Chapter Eleven: Pushing Me Away
This isn't the ending I want, thought Shinji. His sullen, tired face reflected back from the Geo-Front transport, watching the massive cavern's ceiling slip farther away. His descent carried a heavier tone to it. It seemed that every time he returned here, his life dissolved into chaos. Only up on the surface was there any peace, but that too was affected by these depths and their only real resident. He was Shinji's reality, the sole survivor of sleep's cleansing nothingness, and though hundreds must be down there waiting for him, none of them mattered save one.
Still farther he fell, wondering if this pit had a bottom. Why was it taking so long? He was nervous, on edge, more so than any time before. But this was nothing special; why should it be? It's just another day of following the routine. Nothing's going to change. Nothing has to.
He left the transport to begin navigating the maze-like corridors of NERV's upper levels. Rei was wrong, he thought. I don't need to do anything different to survive. I'm surviving now, aren't I? I'll go on with my life as it is, that's good enough. But if that's true, he thought, entering another hallway, why am I still thinking about it?
There is no reason, so stop it. That was just something she said to try and help me her way. But she's not me, and she can't understand me. I'll deal with things my way.
Shinji passed through what he knew from memory to be the last gate on this level, and froze. Just across the length of the long room rested two eerily familiar steel doors. The distorted ceiling lights shone on their surface, stopping abruptly at a vertical cut in the center. He must have seen these doors a thousand times by now, but with the dreams focusing more closely each time around they appeared darkly ominous. Shinji was sure that if he stepped any closer, they would undoubtedly swallow him.
He took a deep breath and walked toward them anyway. This is stupid, he thought as he pressed the down-pointing arrow. It's just an elevator, the same one you take every day you come here. The threatening doors slid open smoothly, and he stepped in, settling against the back wall after selecting his near-bottom destination. The doors closed.
Only two floors down, the elevator slowed. Shinji stepped back as far as possible, feeling his heart pound faster. No one arrived at the same time as he, no one ever stopped his descent. This wasn't right. The lights seemed to dim just slightly, and a vision from the nightmares entered the suddenly suffocating chamber.
The doors closed, and silence fell. Without a word, the imposing figure turned to press the button directly beneath the one already lit. He stood, a mountain emplaced between Shinji and escape. There would be no running away.
"Running away is avoiding what you know must be done, because of fear."
What? Shinji blinked. The things Rei told me? No…those aren't true. Those might be true for her, but not for me.
"You cannot continue to live like this."
Why not? he thought, fighting the echoed memories. I can live however I want!
In his defensive forcefulness, he nearly said the last phrase aloud. Terrified at the possibility, he clenched his fists and focused on keeping quiet. To speak would be death, he knew that well.
Wait. He furrowed his brow. What did I just say? I'm living in fear, horrified of speaking a single word. This isn't the life I want…
"If you continue to try for that, it will destroy you."
She was right. She was right the whole time. I have to end this now. No more running away. He took the last breath of his old life and looked up at the Commander.
"Father."
He didn't move, and spoke in annoyed tones. "What?"
Shinji flinched but did not stop. "…I'm done."
"What are you talking about?" he said, still facing away.
Despite the irritation displayed in his voice, Shinji refused to yield. I can't go back now. I won't. "Father…I won't do this anymore. I'm done."
Another floor passed. "You're resigning?"
Even in this, he tried to reduce it to business terms. It was his method of running away. Shinji saw that now. "No. I'll continue to pilot the Evangelion." He could feel the smirk on the Commander's face, one of knowing he remained in control. "But I'm not doing it for you."
Instantly that smirk vanished, and his indignation returned. "What did you say?" There was a threat in his tone, daring Shinji to back down. It was ignored.
"I'm not living for you anymore."
I've lied / to you
The same way that I always do
This is / the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
He laughed at this pithy attempt at rebellion. It was a dry, inhuman sound, one that had a home in Shinji's dreams. Upping his aggression, the elder Ikari turned to face the boy. Although he took precautions not to show it, he was surprised. It was almost comical: from the way he stood tall, instead of the usual half-slumped posture he held, Ikari could tell he was ready for a fight. The dead, vacant eyes were locked on his, wide awake.
"You're not making any sense," he spat. "Don't waste my time."
"I'm not part of your time." The words rang clearly in the space between them, cutting through the haze and bringing fresh air to Shinji's lungs. They filled again. "I am not yours to schedule. I'm not yours to control."
"Pathetic." He barely suppressed the snarl forming below his tinted glasses. "So you can't even follow orders?"
Shinji felt the guilt hit him. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to…
"You have value outside of his opinion…to accept it is to live on your own, without direction, without command."
He pushed the doubt away. No. What I'm ordered to do is not what I need to do. No more of waiting for other people to tell me how to live my life. I've had enough.
I've tried / like you
To do everything you wanted to
This is / the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away…
"I'm done trying to live up to your demands."
His eyes narrowed. "Incompetent child…you're running away again?"
"No." Shinji stared directly into his father's eyes and spoke. His voice was calm and level, through steady as the steel off which it reverberated. His heart beat quickly, yet he knew he was in full command of every syllable he bore. "For the first time in my life, I'm done with running. Do you understand me? I'm done. I'm done with wondering whether or not my work has earned your acceptance. I'm done with living in fear of hearing you say I'm a failure. I'm done with being what you want me to be, of feeling faithless, of believing that I'm nothing without you, and I swear to you, I will never go back."
(Were all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Were all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away…
Pushes me away…
Gendo stood, trembling with rage at this insubordination. Hate burned behind his eyes as he glared at Shinji, grasping for something to say to put the brat in his place.
The elevator stopped at Shinji's floor, and the doors opened. Without a word, he walked around his father. As he paused, Gendo hissed, "You are worthless."
"No," Shinji said, without looking back. "I am mine."
As the doors began to shut behind him, Shinji walked to the chair in which Rei was sitting, waiting for him. She rose, and Shinji took her hand in his. With a warm smile on his face, they walked away.