Chapter 1: King of My Heart
Remus stared out the door, his tawny hair blowing slightly as the wind brushed it back. He carefully laid his hand over his eyes, shading them from the sun, and giving him a clearer view of the horizon. He longed everyday to see the silhouette of the man he wanted. He could just imagine him striding up to the door and gently gilding his hands over his skin, and his lips caressing his own. But how could he, he didn't even know how much Remus loved him, how much he loved Sirius Black. School would be starting soon, and with it a whole new year. 'The year,' as Remus liked to call it. The year he wouldn't be afraid, the year he would tell Sirius the truth that he loved him, and longed deeply to hold him, and kiss him.
Sirius leaned over and brushed his lover's hair from his eyes, as they sat next to each other on a park bench. "So how do you like London now?"
"It's a lot better then I though it would be," smiled the boy next to Sirius.
"And just wait till you meet everyone else. They'll love you," stated Sirius, with an excited lit to his tone. He couldn't wait to see everybody again, and show off Alex and all his new clothes.
"You really think so?" questioned Alex.
"Would I ever lie to you?" smirked Sirius in response.
"Well ...I...." But before the words were out of the Alex's mouth Sirius had pulled the boy into his arms and with little effort parted the boys' lips with his own. Gently they caressed their tongues together for what seemed like an eternity.
"Okay mom, I know." Stated Remus in a rather harsh tone, he hadn't met to be rude; he just wanted to get on the train, and see his love.
"Now Remus you just call if you have forgotten anything," said Remus's mom, pulling her boy into her arms. "Good luck this year, and see you at Christmas."
"Thanks mom, love you." Remus smiled at his mom, pulled away from her and ran toward the train. He was going to make sure this year would go right.
Remus searched though the compartments, looking in at the other students. All he needed to do was to find the right one, and then he could just see it. Sirius would stand up to give him a hug, and before Sirius knew what had hit him, he would be on the floor, Remus on top. Remus wanted it to start out right now! He reached the last compartment and sure enough there was Lily and Sirius. "'Ello!" Remus shouted as he walked in.
Sirius leaped off his seat, "Yo, Rem, darling, glad to see you back again."
Lily stood up and punched Sirius in the arm. "Move over," she then embraced Remus. "How's it been?"
"Oh wonderful." Remus was waiting for Sirius to hug him; while he waited for it he carefully looked around the compartment. As he looked around, he spotted another boy. He had blonde hair and hazel eyes; Remus had never seen him before. "Who are you?" Remus addressed the boy in question.
"Oh, right, sorry!" exclaimed Sirius, "This is Alex, my new boyfriend. Ain't he cute? He comes from the American Witchcraft School of Magical Beings."
'Boyfriend?' Remus could fell his heart crushing. His perfect year was no more, and he had lost the only one he loved, would ever love. The world seemed to be fading be fore him.
"Mm Rem? 'Ello earth to Remus..." Lily waved her hands in front of Remus's face.
Remus shook his head, and looked around to try and find something to talk about and quick. "So where's James?"
"Oh James said he wasn't coming on the train, something about having to be to Hogwarts early. So he's already there. Don't know what for though," said Lily.
"Alright, listen, I'll be back." And without getting an answer from the others, Remus quickly walked out of the compartment and down the hall. He then walked into the bathroom and closed the door.
Remus slammed his head against the wall. This couldn't be happing, this year was supposed to be great. Tears ran down his face, as he sat on the toilet resting his face on his hands. There was a knock at the door. "Um, could you hurry, I gotta go." But Remus couldn't speak above his crying, and after some more insistent knocking the boy went away to find another loo.
"Man, what's with Remus?" questioned Sirius.
"I don't know, maybe he had to pee," said Lily with a grin.
"Oi! Lily why are you always so blunt?"
"Well someone has to be, or nothing would ever get done."
Sirius sat down again next to Alex and cupped his hand over the boy's, gently rubbing his thumb over the other boys' hand, back and forth.
"Remus should be back by now," said Sirius, after about a half an hour had pasted.
"I agree," Lily said as she stood up, looking a bit worried, "What if those boys that picked on him last year are ...well...you know."
"I doubt it, Lil, I took care of them last year," Sirius attempted to laugh evil like, "Anyway if you want, I'll go look for him."
"No you stay here. I'll go," stated Lily as she walked toward the door. "Plus, you two look like you could use some alone-time, if you know what I mean." Lily laughed, and walked out the door. Remus could finally no longer cry. Every tear he had in him was gone. It was all dried up. But the emptiness inside still hurt too much. He stood up, and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were all puffy and red, as though he hadn't slept in months. There was no way he could go back to the compartment now, without being hounded about what was wrong. And he didn't want to talk about it. He sat back down on the toilet, and sighed. "Of course Sirius would have a boyfriend by now. What was I thinking? He wouldn't have wanted me anyways. I am too inexperienced." Remus was getting angry with himself, and before he knew what was happening, he pulled out a sharp object from his shoe and had begun pressing it into his skin, gently sliding the point back and forth until blood began to pour out and slowly fall from his arm to the tiled floor.
After looking in compartments along the train, Lily hurried toward the back of the train. She then knocked on the bathroom door and called through the wood, "Remus?"
Remus knew he had to answer or eventually Lily would get the Prefects involved. He knew he had been gone for a long time, and she was most likely just concerned. But still he kept quiet, hoping against hope that Lily would just give up.
"Remus are you in there? Some little first year said you were."
"Yes I am here," sighed Remus.
"Are you alright?" Lily asked, "don't need me to get the nurse do you?"
"No, I'm just thinking," answered Remus, as he took his knife and placed it back into his shoe.
"In the John? Funny place to think isn't it?" laughed Lily. "Are you descent?"
"What! How can you ask that? I wouldn't be thinking naked, would I? That sounds more like a Si...never mind."
"Well, you are in the John," Lily shook her head. "Great, I am coming in then."
"NO! Li...!" But he didn't even get the words out before Lily had used a spell, and had opened the door.
"What's taking them so long?" asked Alex as he broke from Sirius's grasp.
Sirius propped himself up on his elbow, as he lied on top of Alex. "I don't know, but it does give us more time." Sirius smiled and pulled Alex toward him.
Laughing, Alex kissed Sirius, but only for a moment. "How long has it been?"
"A while, but it's ok because if I know Li and Rem, they most likely went to the food cart."
"Yeah alright, now where were we...?" Alex smiled again, and pulled Sirius down, as Sirius began to unbutton Alex's shirt.
"Remus!" Lily closed the door quickly behind her, as Remus pulled down the sleeve of his shirt completely. He had started it before, but didn't get it down in time. Lily looked at the floor, and saw the pool of blood still glistening on the polished floor. She checked to make sure the door was closed and quickly threw up a silencing spell on the room. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Nothing," Remus turned his face away from Lily.
Lily sighed. "I'm sorry Remus, I didn't mean to yell. But...But why would you do this to yourself? Is something wrong? Come on Remus you can tell me. Or should I say you had better tell me, and I am not asking Remus."
Remus turned his head back toward Lily; she looked so concerned, and caring that Remus made up his mind just to tell her all of it. "Lil, I...." A pause.
"Come on out with it."
"Lil, I...I am gay."
"Yeah, so what? That's not a good enough reason to be cutting you self. I mean, did you not think that we wouldn't expect it?"
"I wasn't FINISHED," Remus took a deep breath, "I am gay and I'm in love Sirius Black."
Lily looked startled but quickly recovered. "Oh Rem, I...I am so sorry. But don't cut anymore, instead you come talk to me; I'll always listen, no matter what. Even if I am fucking James or something." Lily then got down on her knees and pulled Remus toward her and just held him as he told all his thoughts, about the year, and Sirius black. The one man he wanted, and the one man he couldn't have.
Shortly later, Lily broke free from him, and stood up helping Remus up as well. "Come on we got to go, and here..." Lily pointed her wand at Remus face, and then on her own (for she too had began to cry while listen to Remus story), saying "Plasticicfaciallicamotaphona." Which made them both look like they had never cried, or had any problems. In other words, hid them behind a happy mask. Then she and Remus walked out the door, and back toward the compartment. Lily walked in first and immediately saw the two boys sparred on top of each other. After a long snog, Sirius pulled himself from Alex, as Alex sat up and began to re-button his shirt. Remus came in then; his head lowed, and just sat down.
"Rem, are you okay?" Sirius sat down beside Remus; his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to his naval and threw his arm around him.
"No, I just got motion-sick," Remus gulped and tried not to cry, as he removed Sirius arm from around him. He couldn't bear to be touched by him anymore, because it just hurt too much. It felt as though fire was burning in his lungs, and he could no longer breathe. 'Why can't we be at Hogwarts yet?' Remus thought to himself.
Sirius looked at Lily, and shrugged as the train came to a stop. Remus jumped up at that moment and ran out of the train calling back, "See you inside." At last they were at Hogwarts.
The ceremony for the start of the year had been over for a while and Remus begun to rearrange his clothes, he couldn't think about what else to do, and he had to keep his mind off of Sirius.
James walked into the room and sat down on his bed. "Remus, what are you doing?"
"Nothing really, just changing my clothes around. I don't like the way the house elves do it," stated Remus off-handedly
"Mm okay. Wired, but what ever gets your boat," James shrugged and stretched.
"So, what were you doing here early, you still haven't told me yet?" questioned Remus, still resorting his clothes.
"Can't, it's a secret."
"Secret my ass, I am your friend."
"Mmm let me think about it" James paused for a couple minutes, "...mmm nope," James laughed, as Remus stood up and shoved James off the bed.
"Well then James, you will just have to sleep on the floor, and I can have a nice king sized bed for the night," Remus grinned.
"Oi, I don't think so," James stood up and brushed himself off. "Fine if you must know," said James as he leaded toward Remus.
"Yep, of course I must know, as you put it," laughed Remus.
As soon as James reached Remus ear though, he licked his finger, which Remus was wondering why he would do such a thing, and then stuck it into Remus's ear. "You have to wait," James laughed, as Remus attempted to clean his ear from James's spit.
Sirius walked into the room then, and sat down on Remus's bed. "Ello, James."
"Hey Sirius, been trying to get Remus to stop asking me about the secret."
"Oh, the secret. Remus, you wouldn't want to know anyways," Sirius laughed.
"Wait, he knows too...?" Remus complained.
James and Sirius just nodded. "But don't worry you'll find out soon enough, luv."
'Oh my god, Sirius just said luv, but I am not his luv.... What about Alex and everything and.... Ahhh, if only I could hear that word and know that's it's true, and that that is my name, and oh god.... Why me?' Remus thought incoherently, to no one but himself. All five were sitting in the common room, as Sirius bounded around the room, singing his favorite glam song, "Moonage Daydream" by the wonderful Bowie himself. He had been waiting all summer to listen to it, as he had to leave it with James over the summer because he's mother would have freaked. Remus could just see her, yelling at the top of her lungs to tell Sirius off, and Sirius with his hands over his ears, pretending not to listen; as he so often did, especially in Divinations class.
Sirius finally sat down after the song was over, and kicked his platforms on top of the table, his flares almost reaching the soles of his platforms. "I bloody love that song. So what classes do we have to go to today?"
"Well," started Lily "we have Potions, Divination--"
Sirius groaned at the word. "Didn't we take that last year?"
"--Transfigurations, and Flying," finished Lily shaking her head at Sirius's outburst.
James stood up and threw an arm into the air, "Yes, Flying!"
"Well come on then, we'd better get going," said Lily as she stood up. She grabbed James's arm, indicating that she wanted him to come with her, "see you at breakfast," she concluded, and started walking toward the door, dragging James along.
Remus stood up almost immediately, "Wait I am coming too." He then rushed after them.
Sirius just sat where he was. What was happening to him? When Remus had walked down the stairs, Sirius had felt a change in himself. It was almost as if he was in love with the boy, but how could he be when he loved Alex? What if just maybe he didn't? Sirius was so confused. 'Why, why do I feel this way, why? I don't understand it. I can't understand my own feeling anymore.' He thought as he placed his hand over his face, and rested his arms on his knees, so that he was bent over.
Meanwhile, Alex had just walked down the stairs, and upon seeing Sirius sitting there, decided to just look at him from afar. He was concerned for his boyfriend, but he could tell he needed to be alone. Sirius looked up after a couple more minutes, his eyeliner was smeared down his face, and a single tear was running down his cheek. Alex looked over at him with sympatric eyes, and walked over, hugging him. "Sirius, is everything ok?"
"No, no Alex's its not," Sirius stated during breaks in his sniffling. "I don't understand myself anymore."
"What? Don't be silly, love; you're Sirius Black, the fairyboy who is overly confident."
"No, Alex you don't understand. I don't understand my feelings anymore."
"What are you talking about Sirius? Do you not love me anymore?" Alex questioned with a small tilt to his head.
"I..." Sirius started but faltered, not really knowing his own feelings, much less able to express them with words.
"Sirius, please don't leave me hanging. Do you love me, or don't you?" pleaded Alex
"I...I just don't know anymore."
"Sirius, is it Remus? And don't try to change the subject or anything, because I see the way you look at him. It's the same way you..." he took a deep breath, "you used to look at me, when we first met."
Sirius hugged Alex, "I'm sorry, I don't understand it myself. Remus and I are just friends, and I shouldn't be thinking of him in that...way. I do love you, but I also love Remus." Sirius began to cry again, this time on Alex's shoulder.
"I understand. I understand completely, Sirius, and its okay," soothed Alex, he wouldn't let Sirius hurt anymore, he loved him too much, even if it meant letting him go. As long as Sirius was happy Alex would be okay with it. "Sirius, do...do you want to stop?"
"Stop what?" asked Sirius, baffled out of his tears, even though one last stubborn droplet trailed down his cheek.
"Stop the relationship. Sirius, I can see it in your eyes, you may love me...but you love Remus even more. And I won't stand in the way of it."
"But Alex...I--" Sirius started but was interrupted by Alex.
"Sirius, please just stop this and admit it. Who do you love more? Look into your heart, and see the truth."
Sirius was quite for a while, searching though his thoughts and feelings. He could remember the first time he had met Remus, such a quiet goody-goody boy, but that had all changed. And Remus reading in the common room, candlelight played on his face. The essence of sex.
Sirius' heart began beating faster and faster as he thought of Remus. Then he thought of Alex, his pretty boy. The one who came from America, in tight flares and an even tighter t-shirt. His heart was still beating fast, but it seemed to beat more for the lust, and with Remus it felt like more. Sirius couldn't explain it, but it just felt like true love with Remus, and not just lust. Sirius took a deep breath, "I ...I think I love Remus," Sirius chocked out past another small wave of tears, "I...I am sorry Alex."
"It's alright Sirius. So I guess this is it." Alex brushed his hand though Sirius hair, and kissed him on the check. "Thanks for the wild ride, luv. And hey, we can still be friends. So please, Sirius, please stop crying. I am okay with it, I understand completely," said Alex while flashing a grin.
"Thanks Alex, you're the best friend I could ever wish for." Sirius brushed his eyes with his hands, wiping away his tears and smearing his eyeliner even more. "Thanks for understanding."
Sirius sighed today he would do it. He was so convinced that Remus would not love him back, that it took forever it seemed. But today he would ask Remus out. He stood up the common room door scared out of his mind; he turned around to go back up stairs, deciding to just do it another day. But Alex was right behind him and before he knew what had happened, he had been pushed into the common room, with his guitar. Alex had helped Sirius come up with a way to ask Remus out, and now it was time. Remus was reading a book under candlelight like he so often did. He had his feet up on the chair, and was quietly sitting there. Sirius walked over to Remus, picked up his book and threw it across the room.
"Oi, what was that for?" Remus stated, and started to get up to get the book back, but Sirius pushed him down onto the chair.
"Shhh," was all Sirius said before he took up his guitar, and began to sing:
What the hell are you standing there for, expecting
Me to help you, when I'm down myself
Waiting my savior, my world is flooding over, there's
No room for air, I can't breathe, I would give a kingdom
For one more day
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, for just one more day
What the hell am I waiting here for, expecting you to
Come and give away your life
Just for a moment of my time, have a hole where I
Should have a heart, I'm made of wood, I'm falling
Apart, I would give a kingdom if I only had you
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart
I'd give it all for a heart
If I was a King I would give away my kingdom
Treasures and crowns wouldn't mean a thing
If I only had a heart, if I only had a heart...
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart
He finished, and took a deep breath. "So Remus, will you be my savior, will you give me a heart?"
Remus wiped tears from his eyes. "Of course." Sirius smiled, put down his guitar, and embraced Remus.
Alex, who was watching from the side, smiled with happiness, at least his love was happy, and that was all he wanted, and he still had the rest of his life to find somebody that made him as happy as Remus made Sirius. Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the characters in the book. I do however own Alex. And I don't own David Bowie, although I wish I did. . lol
Also the song in my fic is a song by Sonata Arctica and therefore I do not own the lyrics, either.
Remus stared out the door, his tawny hair blowing slightly as the wind brushed it back. He carefully laid his hand over his eyes, shading them from the sun, and giving him a clearer view of the horizon. He longed everyday to see the silhouette of the man he wanted. He could just imagine him striding up to the door and gently gilding his hands over his skin, and his lips caressing his own. But how could he, he didn't even know how much Remus loved him, how much he loved Sirius Black. School would be starting soon, and with it a whole new year. 'The year,' as Remus liked to call it. The year he wouldn't be afraid, the year he would tell Sirius the truth that he loved him, and longed deeply to hold him, and kiss him.
Sirius leaned over and brushed his lover's hair from his eyes, as they sat next to each other on a park bench. "So how do you like London now?"
"It's a lot better then I though it would be," smiled the boy next to Sirius.
"And just wait till you meet everyone else. They'll love you," stated Sirius, with an excited lit to his tone. He couldn't wait to see everybody again, and show off Alex and all his new clothes.
"You really think so?" questioned Alex.
"Would I ever lie to you?" smirked Sirius in response.
"Well ...I...." But before the words were out of the Alex's mouth Sirius had pulled the boy into his arms and with little effort parted the boys' lips with his own. Gently they caressed their tongues together for what seemed like an eternity.
"Okay mom, I know." Stated Remus in a rather harsh tone, he hadn't met to be rude; he just wanted to get on the train, and see his love.
"Now Remus you just call if you have forgotten anything," said Remus's mom, pulling her boy into her arms. "Good luck this year, and see you at Christmas."
"Thanks mom, love you." Remus smiled at his mom, pulled away from her and ran toward the train. He was going to make sure this year would go right.
Remus searched though the compartments, looking in at the other students. All he needed to do was to find the right one, and then he could just see it. Sirius would stand up to give him a hug, and before Sirius knew what had hit him, he would be on the floor, Remus on top. Remus wanted it to start out right now! He reached the last compartment and sure enough there was Lily and Sirius. "'Ello!" Remus shouted as he walked in.
Sirius leaped off his seat, "Yo, Rem, darling, glad to see you back again."
Lily stood up and punched Sirius in the arm. "Move over," she then embraced Remus. "How's it been?"
"Oh wonderful." Remus was waiting for Sirius to hug him; while he waited for it he carefully looked around the compartment. As he looked around, he spotted another boy. He had blonde hair and hazel eyes; Remus had never seen him before. "Who are you?" Remus addressed the boy in question.
"Oh, right, sorry!" exclaimed Sirius, "This is Alex, my new boyfriend. Ain't he cute? He comes from the American Witchcraft School of Magical Beings."
'Boyfriend?' Remus could fell his heart crushing. His perfect year was no more, and he had lost the only one he loved, would ever love. The world seemed to be fading be fore him.
"Mm Rem? 'Ello earth to Remus..." Lily waved her hands in front of Remus's face.
Remus shook his head, and looked around to try and find something to talk about and quick. "So where's James?"
"Oh James said he wasn't coming on the train, something about having to be to Hogwarts early. So he's already there. Don't know what for though," said Lily.
"Alright, listen, I'll be back." And without getting an answer from the others, Remus quickly walked out of the compartment and down the hall. He then walked into the bathroom and closed the door.
Remus slammed his head against the wall. This couldn't be happing, this year was supposed to be great. Tears ran down his face, as he sat on the toilet resting his face on his hands. There was a knock at the door. "Um, could you hurry, I gotta go." But Remus couldn't speak above his crying, and after some more insistent knocking the boy went away to find another loo.
"Man, what's with Remus?" questioned Sirius.
"I don't know, maybe he had to pee," said Lily with a grin.
"Oi! Lily why are you always so blunt?"
"Well someone has to be, or nothing would ever get done."
Sirius sat down again next to Alex and cupped his hand over the boy's, gently rubbing his thumb over the other boys' hand, back and forth.
"Remus should be back by now," said Sirius, after about a half an hour had pasted.
"I agree," Lily said as she stood up, looking a bit worried, "What if those boys that picked on him last year are ...well...you know."
"I doubt it, Lil, I took care of them last year," Sirius attempted to laugh evil like, "Anyway if you want, I'll go look for him."
"No you stay here. I'll go," stated Lily as she walked toward the door. "Plus, you two look like you could use some alone-time, if you know what I mean." Lily laughed, and walked out the door. Remus could finally no longer cry. Every tear he had in him was gone. It was all dried up. But the emptiness inside still hurt too much. He stood up, and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were all puffy and red, as though he hadn't slept in months. There was no way he could go back to the compartment now, without being hounded about what was wrong. And he didn't want to talk about it. He sat back down on the toilet, and sighed. "Of course Sirius would have a boyfriend by now. What was I thinking? He wouldn't have wanted me anyways. I am too inexperienced." Remus was getting angry with himself, and before he knew what was happening, he pulled out a sharp object from his shoe and had begun pressing it into his skin, gently sliding the point back and forth until blood began to pour out and slowly fall from his arm to the tiled floor.
After looking in compartments along the train, Lily hurried toward the back of the train. She then knocked on the bathroom door and called through the wood, "Remus?"
Remus knew he had to answer or eventually Lily would get the Prefects involved. He knew he had been gone for a long time, and she was most likely just concerned. But still he kept quiet, hoping against hope that Lily would just give up.
"Remus are you in there? Some little first year said you were."
"Yes I am here," sighed Remus.
"Are you alright?" Lily asked, "don't need me to get the nurse do you?"
"No, I'm just thinking," answered Remus, as he took his knife and placed it back into his shoe.
"In the John? Funny place to think isn't it?" laughed Lily. "Are you descent?"
"What! How can you ask that? I wouldn't be thinking naked, would I? That sounds more like a Si...never mind."
"Well, you are in the John," Lily shook her head. "Great, I am coming in then."
"NO! Li...!" But he didn't even get the words out before Lily had used a spell, and had opened the door.
"What's taking them so long?" asked Alex as he broke from Sirius's grasp.
Sirius propped himself up on his elbow, as he lied on top of Alex. "I don't know, but it does give us more time." Sirius smiled and pulled Alex toward him.
Laughing, Alex kissed Sirius, but only for a moment. "How long has it been?"
"A while, but it's ok because if I know Li and Rem, they most likely went to the food cart."
"Yeah alright, now where were we...?" Alex smiled again, and pulled Sirius down, as Sirius began to unbutton Alex's shirt.
"Remus!" Lily closed the door quickly behind her, as Remus pulled down the sleeve of his shirt completely. He had started it before, but didn't get it down in time. Lily looked at the floor, and saw the pool of blood still glistening on the polished floor. She checked to make sure the door was closed and quickly threw up a silencing spell on the room. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Nothing," Remus turned his face away from Lily.
Lily sighed. "I'm sorry Remus, I didn't mean to yell. But...But why would you do this to yourself? Is something wrong? Come on Remus you can tell me. Or should I say you had better tell me, and I am not asking Remus."
Remus turned his head back toward Lily; she looked so concerned, and caring that Remus made up his mind just to tell her all of it. "Lil, I...." A pause.
"Come on out with it."
"Lil, I...I am gay."
"Yeah, so what? That's not a good enough reason to be cutting you self. I mean, did you not think that we wouldn't expect it?"
"I wasn't FINISHED," Remus took a deep breath, "I am gay and I'm in love Sirius Black."
Lily looked startled but quickly recovered. "Oh Rem, I...I am so sorry. But don't cut anymore, instead you come talk to me; I'll always listen, no matter what. Even if I am fucking James or something." Lily then got down on her knees and pulled Remus toward her and just held him as he told all his thoughts, about the year, and Sirius black. The one man he wanted, and the one man he couldn't have.
Shortly later, Lily broke free from him, and stood up helping Remus up as well. "Come on we got to go, and here..." Lily pointed her wand at Remus face, and then on her own (for she too had began to cry while listen to Remus story), saying "Plasticicfaciallicamotaphona." Which made them both look like they had never cried, or had any problems. In other words, hid them behind a happy mask. Then she and Remus walked out the door, and back toward the compartment. Lily walked in first and immediately saw the two boys sparred on top of each other. After a long snog, Sirius pulled himself from Alex, as Alex sat up and began to re-button his shirt. Remus came in then; his head lowed, and just sat down.
"Rem, are you okay?" Sirius sat down beside Remus; his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to his naval and threw his arm around him.
"No, I just got motion-sick," Remus gulped and tried not to cry, as he removed Sirius arm from around him. He couldn't bear to be touched by him anymore, because it just hurt too much. It felt as though fire was burning in his lungs, and he could no longer breathe. 'Why can't we be at Hogwarts yet?' Remus thought to himself.
Sirius looked at Lily, and shrugged as the train came to a stop. Remus jumped up at that moment and ran out of the train calling back, "See you inside." At last they were at Hogwarts.
The ceremony for the start of the year had been over for a while and Remus begun to rearrange his clothes, he couldn't think about what else to do, and he had to keep his mind off of Sirius.
James walked into the room and sat down on his bed. "Remus, what are you doing?"
"Nothing really, just changing my clothes around. I don't like the way the house elves do it," stated Remus off-handedly
"Mm okay. Wired, but what ever gets your boat," James shrugged and stretched.
"So, what were you doing here early, you still haven't told me yet?" questioned Remus, still resorting his clothes.
"Can't, it's a secret."
"Secret my ass, I am your friend."
"Mmm let me think about it" James paused for a couple minutes, "...mmm nope," James laughed, as Remus stood up and shoved James off the bed.
"Well then James, you will just have to sleep on the floor, and I can have a nice king sized bed for the night," Remus grinned.
"Oi, I don't think so," James stood up and brushed himself off. "Fine if you must know," said James as he leaded toward Remus.
"Yep, of course I must know, as you put it," laughed Remus.
As soon as James reached Remus ear though, he licked his finger, which Remus was wondering why he would do such a thing, and then stuck it into Remus's ear. "You have to wait," James laughed, as Remus attempted to clean his ear from James's spit.
Sirius walked into the room then, and sat down on Remus's bed. "Ello, James."
"Hey Sirius, been trying to get Remus to stop asking me about the secret."
"Oh, the secret. Remus, you wouldn't want to know anyways," Sirius laughed.
"Wait, he knows too...?" Remus complained.
James and Sirius just nodded. "But don't worry you'll find out soon enough, luv."
'Oh my god, Sirius just said luv, but I am not his luv.... What about Alex and everything and.... Ahhh, if only I could hear that word and know that's it's true, and that that is my name, and oh god.... Why me?' Remus thought incoherently, to no one but himself. All five were sitting in the common room, as Sirius bounded around the room, singing his favorite glam song, "Moonage Daydream" by the wonderful Bowie himself. He had been waiting all summer to listen to it, as he had to leave it with James over the summer because he's mother would have freaked. Remus could just see her, yelling at the top of her lungs to tell Sirius off, and Sirius with his hands over his ears, pretending not to listen; as he so often did, especially in Divinations class.
Sirius finally sat down after the song was over, and kicked his platforms on top of the table, his flares almost reaching the soles of his platforms. "I bloody love that song. So what classes do we have to go to today?"
"Well," started Lily "we have Potions, Divination--"
Sirius groaned at the word. "Didn't we take that last year?"
"--Transfigurations, and Flying," finished Lily shaking her head at Sirius's outburst.
James stood up and threw an arm into the air, "Yes, Flying!"
"Well come on then, we'd better get going," said Lily as she stood up. She grabbed James's arm, indicating that she wanted him to come with her, "see you at breakfast," she concluded, and started walking toward the door, dragging James along.
Remus stood up almost immediately, "Wait I am coming too." He then rushed after them.
Sirius just sat where he was. What was happening to him? When Remus had walked down the stairs, Sirius had felt a change in himself. It was almost as if he was in love with the boy, but how could he be when he loved Alex? What if just maybe he didn't? Sirius was so confused. 'Why, why do I feel this way, why? I don't understand it. I can't understand my own feeling anymore.' He thought as he placed his hand over his face, and rested his arms on his knees, so that he was bent over.
Meanwhile, Alex had just walked down the stairs, and upon seeing Sirius sitting there, decided to just look at him from afar. He was concerned for his boyfriend, but he could tell he needed to be alone. Sirius looked up after a couple more minutes, his eyeliner was smeared down his face, and a single tear was running down his cheek. Alex looked over at him with sympatric eyes, and walked over, hugging him. "Sirius, is everything ok?"
"No, no Alex's its not," Sirius stated during breaks in his sniffling. "I don't understand myself anymore."
"What? Don't be silly, love; you're Sirius Black, the fairyboy who is overly confident."
"No, Alex you don't understand. I don't understand my feelings anymore."
"What are you talking about Sirius? Do you not love me anymore?" Alex questioned with a small tilt to his head.
"I..." Sirius started but faltered, not really knowing his own feelings, much less able to express them with words.
"Sirius, please don't leave me hanging. Do you love me, or don't you?" pleaded Alex
"I...I just don't know anymore."
"Sirius, is it Remus? And don't try to change the subject or anything, because I see the way you look at him. It's the same way you..." he took a deep breath, "you used to look at me, when we first met."
Sirius hugged Alex, "I'm sorry, I don't understand it myself. Remus and I are just friends, and I shouldn't be thinking of him in that...way. I do love you, but I also love Remus." Sirius began to cry again, this time on Alex's shoulder.
"I understand. I understand completely, Sirius, and its okay," soothed Alex, he wouldn't let Sirius hurt anymore, he loved him too much, even if it meant letting him go. As long as Sirius was happy Alex would be okay with it. "Sirius, do...do you want to stop?"
"Stop what?" asked Sirius, baffled out of his tears, even though one last stubborn droplet trailed down his cheek.
"Stop the relationship. Sirius, I can see it in your eyes, you may love me...but you love Remus even more. And I won't stand in the way of it."
"But Alex...I--" Sirius started but was interrupted by Alex.
"Sirius, please just stop this and admit it. Who do you love more? Look into your heart, and see the truth."
Sirius was quite for a while, searching though his thoughts and feelings. He could remember the first time he had met Remus, such a quiet goody-goody boy, but that had all changed. And Remus reading in the common room, candlelight played on his face. The essence of sex.
Sirius' heart began beating faster and faster as he thought of Remus. Then he thought of Alex, his pretty boy. The one who came from America, in tight flares and an even tighter t-shirt. His heart was still beating fast, but it seemed to beat more for the lust, and with Remus it felt like more. Sirius couldn't explain it, but it just felt like true love with Remus, and not just lust. Sirius took a deep breath, "I ...I think I love Remus," Sirius chocked out past another small wave of tears, "I...I am sorry Alex."
"It's alright Sirius. So I guess this is it." Alex brushed his hand though Sirius hair, and kissed him on the check. "Thanks for the wild ride, luv. And hey, we can still be friends. So please, Sirius, please stop crying. I am okay with it, I understand completely," said Alex while flashing a grin.
"Thanks Alex, you're the best friend I could ever wish for." Sirius brushed his eyes with his hands, wiping away his tears and smearing his eyeliner even more. "Thanks for understanding."
Sirius sighed today he would do it. He was so convinced that Remus would not love him back, that it took forever it seemed. But today he would ask Remus out. He stood up the common room door scared out of his mind; he turned around to go back up stairs, deciding to just do it another day. But Alex was right behind him and before he knew what had happened, he had been pushed into the common room, with his guitar. Alex had helped Sirius come up with a way to ask Remus out, and now it was time. Remus was reading a book under candlelight like he so often did. He had his feet up on the chair, and was quietly sitting there. Sirius walked over to Remus, picked up his book and threw it across the room.
"Oi, what was that for?" Remus stated, and started to get up to get the book back, but Sirius pushed him down onto the chair.
"Shhh," was all Sirius said before he took up his guitar, and began to sing:
What the hell are you standing there for, expecting
Me to help you, when I'm down myself
Waiting my savior, my world is flooding over, there's
No room for air, I can't breathe, I would give a kingdom
For one more day
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, for just one more day
What the hell am I waiting here for, expecting you to
Come and give away your life
Just for a moment of my time, have a hole where I
Should have a heart, I'm made of wood, I'm falling
Apart, I would give a kingdom if I only had you
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart
I'd give it all for a heart
If I was a King I would give away my kingdom
Treasures and crowns wouldn't mean a thing
If I only had a heart, if I only had a heart...
I'd give - a kingdom
For one more day as a king of your world
I'd give a kingdom, if I had a heart
He finished, and took a deep breath. "So Remus, will you be my savior, will you give me a heart?"
Remus wiped tears from his eyes. "Of course." Sirius smiled, put down his guitar, and embraced Remus.
Alex, who was watching from the side, smiled with happiness, at least his love was happy, and that was all he wanted, and he still had the rest of his life to find somebody that made him as happy as Remus made Sirius. Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the characters in the book. I do however own Alex. And I don't own David Bowie, although I wish I did. . lol
Also the song in my fic is a song by Sonata Arctica and therefore I do not own the lyrics, either.