Happy update daay!
Hope this finds you all well! Ive been getting ready for the holidays (I'm a Christmas lover, sorrrry) and enjoying IT BEING COLD OUTSIDE. It was so nice to sit inside this week and be cozy, write and watch the latest episode of the handmaid's tale. I have come to realize I have a type LOL. Nick Blaine, he's too much for me. Dark and handsome men forever for me! I guess I have Snape to thank for that one!
I'm headed off to a friends house, so if I haven't replied to you, I'll do so later tonight or tomorrow am!
Happy reading
"What're you doing?" said Harry, peering over her arm.
"Just attaching the locket the twins got me to this," Penny replied, showing him the silver chain the vial of dittany that Snape always made her wear was dangling off.
"Why not just chuck the ugly vile and keep the chain the locket came with?" Ron asked, looking perplexed.
"That ugly vile is the only thing keeping my curse from progressing, but so sorry it's an eyesore to you."
"You're one to talk after that necklace Lavender sent you," grinned Harry, but Ron did not find it very funny and dove at him, the pair tumbling to the floor in one of those weird wrestling matches boys were always prone to.
"Not right here!" Swinging an annoyed kick at the pair of them, Penny managed to get them to break apart.
"No need to be so grumpy about it," sulked Harry, rubbing his ribcage.
"Yeah, try a nap or something. You've looked awful since you came back from Snape's," Ron said.
"Come to think of it, you have." Harry adjusted his glasses, eyes narrowing on her face. "What'd the git do to you?"
Penny's eyes naturally found the pair of warm brown eyes she knew were watching them, a knowing look flickering across his face.
"Seeing as I'm 'just a lunatic who actually believes in hell', you wouldn't even believe me if I told you, so I won't bother," she said, returning her attention to her task.
"I didn't say that," Harry frowned.
"You didn't disagree with it either."
"I'm sorry, alright! But if he's done anything to you, you don't have to protect him. He's not worth it, he's a liar; you have to see it, Penny!"
Penny turned, finding those green eyes blazing with that intensity of his. There was a reluctant kind of pity there, like he didn't quite comprehend her. Looking at him, Penny couldn't help but feel sad. This was the life Snape signed up for being Dumbledore's spy. And though his efforts kept them all safe, this was the thanks he got.
Was this why he was so distrustful, always looking for the thing that would finally set Penny against him? In what world could she possibly explain the things Snape had done for her that did not result in them hating him all the more? They would never look past the obvious; the mark; the scars, and see everything he'd done to spare her from a much more awful fate. In what world could Penny tell Harry, who hated Snape on principle since the day they set eyes on eachother, that she cared for the man and did not regret believing in him.
"You are determined to hate him, Harry," Lupin said, having abandoned his chair to perch himself on the living room table. "And I understand; with James as your father, with Sirius as your godfather, you have inherited an old prejudice," he went on, reaching his soft hands and taking the chain Penny was struggling with from her.
His touch sent a jolt through her, her eyes snapping up and finding him giving her a faint smile.
"Then what'd she inherit?" said Ron, jerking his head toward Penny..
"The genetics not to be a walking reminder of James, which, I imagine, after all that happened between James and Sirius and Severus, gives her much better odds not to be on the receiving end of lingering resentment."
"He yells at her all the time; got her stabbed and gave her detention for the rest of the year!" objected Harry.
"No, Harry, he put himself in harm's way to save her life that day, and I would remind you, still cares for her bodily health to protect her from that curse. As for your other other qualms—while his inclination for severity remains a part of his character, I think you will find his motivations for allocating such punishments to Penny have greatly different motivations," he said, pulling out his wand and tapping the chain in several different places. "He cares for her," Lupin added, at Harry's look of incomprehension. "Deeply so. And if we're being honest, I do not think there is anyone more important to Severus than Penny," he said, pocketing his wand and offering her the chain, the locket and dittany both secured to it.
Penny accepted it, her eyes transfixed on the fire before her so as not to out the childish way her heart leapt at the idea. But dare she believe them to be true? Had she not learned the hard way, several times, that allowing herself to so carelessly get close to Severus Snape always resulted in her getting burned. If she was the most important person in his life, how the hell did anyone else maintain a relationship with the man? Lupin's sentiment, but given recent events, they were less nice in practice.
"Right. Sounds like a stretch to me, unless you're saying it's normal to treat the people we love horribly."
"I would encourage you to ask yourself, Harry, whether Penny shares the same perspective as you. As we all know, the two share a great deal of time together—far from prying eyes—that I think it quite impossible for anyone outside the pair to really know how deep that bond goes or what kind of exchanges they have."
"Ugh!" Ron exclaimed, looking suddenly disgusted. "You and Snape aren't. . .That greasy slime ball, you wouldn't, really?"
Penny looked up, finding both Harry and Ron now inspecting her with a disbelieving revulsion that made Lupin sigh quietly and Penny's cheeks turn pink as she remembered her antics on New Year's Eve.
"He's my professor," Penny said incredulously.
"Wouldn't stop him!" Ron said. "But you, I thought you had some dignity."
"Please tell me what you know of dignity, Won Won," Penny said scathingly.
"A lot more than you, seeing as I actually have some. But you, you don't mind selling yourself out to a Death Eater," Ron replied, his ears pink.
"He's a bloody spy!" Penny all-but-yelled, jumping to her feet, "One you owe your life to," she added rounding on Harry who remained diplomatically silent.
"And what proof do we have of that?" Ron was also on his feet now. "The fact he was twisted enough in the first place to join the lot should have been enough of a warning sign, but I suppose you've never minded that sort, have you; given how you have no issues hanging off Malfoy even though he tried to kill Katie!"
"That's quite enough of that," Lupin said, on his feet and restraining Penny before she could throw herself at Ron.
She didn't care he was over a foot taller than her, she just wanted to hit him in his stupid, ignorant face. Ron, the purist, who could never even bother to understand anyone else's situation.
"Thanks for sticking up for me," Penny shot at Harry before shrugging out of Lupin's hold and marching outside. She grabbed her cloak and nothing else, wanting to put as much distance between herself and Ron as possible.
They would be returning to Hogwarts tomorrow and she would no longer have his company forced upon her. With Fred and George back in London now that the holiday was over, it was extremely difficult to avoid him, seeing as Harry was glued to his side. It made Penny miss Hermione greatly, and the cold dose of reason she offered to the pair; something they sorely needed, because when it was just them, the male sexes' severe deficiency in thinking capability was just too apparent.
It did not help that Penny was already in a bad mood and had no patience left after her very terrible new years. No matter how she scorched her skin, scrubbed at it and tried to distract herself, she could not free herself from the feeling of his hands upon her. In the last couple of years, Penny had experienced many despicable things, but Voldemort's attentions topped the list of most vile. Her only solace was knowing she would be free of these surprise excursions once she returned to Hogwarts.
But that didn't solve her more pressing problem: Amycys. Penny had been pacing for days, debating whether she should tell Snape or not tell Snape about what transpired between them. It did not help, the thought of facing the man, and possibly the hickey she'd given him, made her too mortified to even focus on the issue at hand. But if she were to keep it to herself, what would Amycus ask of her and was it really fair to Snape to give no warning that his position hanged in the balance of Penny being obedient enough to to satisfy the nut case.
The entire thing left Penny wanting to pull her hair out. Every moment this went on put Snape in more danger; caught lying to the Dark Lord, surely that was an offense that would lose him his position while also possibly unraveling everything else.
Given these troubles plaguing her, Penny found herself especially intolerable to Ron's accusations. What did he know about hard decisions? He didn't even wash his own clothing.
"Penny, wait," Lupin's voice said, his hand grabbing her wrist.
"No. Sirius always told me that if I was gonna walk away, walk far enough not to look like the chump who backed down."
Lupin blinked, and then burst out laughing, something that did not improve Penny's mood in the least; laughter that quickly became tinged with his tears. "He came up with that one before he left his parents house, when he and Regulus seemed to be fighting all the time—"
"Regulus?" Penny said, taking a sharp detour from the issue at hand. "Did you know him?"
"Not well," Lupin said slowly, wiping his cheek, evidently confused by her newfound interest in Sirius's brother. "He was younger and in Slytherin. Very clever from what I gathered. Snape would know more about him, they had the same circle of friends."
"But you'd know why Sirius hated him?"
"I suppose Sirius was always the black sheep in the family, no pun intended. His parents viewed Regulus as the son who would not disappoint them as Sirius had. And, well, Sirius was a man set in his beliefs and could not understand why Regulus would side with them. When Regulus joined the Death Eaters, there was no turning back in Sirius' opinion—but what's this about—"
"How did Regulus die? Penny pressed, ignoring his question.
Penny had spent the months since escaping that labyrinth obsessing over Regulus and kicking herself for not asking more questions before allowing Regulus to convince her to cross back over. She'd wanted to speak to Remus about it, tell him what transpired, even, but given the way the summer had gone, she was never allowed the chance. But even though there was no way in hell Penny was going to tell Remus now what she'd seen, she still wanted to know—what kind of man Regulus had been.
He'd been kind, too kind for a Death Eater. And the things he'd mentioned. . .they made Penny feel there was more to the story, but she couldn't be sure until she pieced together much of the missing puzzle.
"I can't say, Penny. It's speculated he went too deep and then got cold feet. With Voldemort it's lifetime service or death. But your guess is as good as mine. In those days, when people disappeared there was not much hope of ever finding out what really happened to them."
"Do you think it's possible Regulus changed sides and that's why the Dark Lord killed him?"
His eyes softened at this question. "If this is about Snape, whatever his choices in life, I believe him trustworthy. Don't let what Ron said—"
"It's not about him, I'm asking about Regulus, so can you stop trying to diagnose me and tell me your honest opinion—would Regulus have changed sides?"
He watched her for a moment, a flicker of pain shadowing his face, but he resigned himself to giving her question his full attention.
"As I said, our paths did not cross often—but," he said, putting his hand up to stop her from interrupting him. "Regulus was very young when he joined, and under a great deal of pressure to conform and not end up like his brother; I imagine he felt very alone sometimes. I think he was just a kid who made all the wrong choices—"
"What did you say?" Penny said, his words jarring her from her thoughts in a startling manner. She remembered those word, but they had not come from Lupin.
"What?" Lupin asked, returning to his expression of concern.
"That's what Regulus told me, that in life he made all the wrong choices, but how did you—"
"Penny, Regulus died before you were born, how would he have told you anything?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me. Are you saying you have seen Regulus? Was it that—"
"I told you, it doesn't matter." Penny reiterated, jerking her arm free.
They were getting too uncomfortably close to that day, and the truths Penny had never shared with anyone.
"If you remember what happened—"
"—you would be the last person I;'d confide in," she said, teeth clenched. And then she turned, walking as quickly toward the gate as she could without looking like she was running away.
"Penny, you can't just leave."
"If you wanted me to stay here locked up like some prisoner, you shouldn't have taught me to apparate then," she shot over her shoulder.
"If you aren't going to relent, at least tell me where you're going, Molly will be beside herself." He was pleading now.
"I need to see Snape. I promise to be back before dark. Just tell them you dropped me off." And turning on her heel, she left him standing there, stuck between the indecision of stopping her or not.
When she arrived on the street it was to find the house dark. She flicked on several lights, wondering vaguely if he'd returned to Hogwarts or not. Knowing him and his OCD, he already knew he had an unwanted guest. But would he know it was her? And if he did would he show up?
Heading upstairs, just to be sure he wansn't home, she peered down the hall after flicking on the lamp. Her bedroom stood to the right, door ajar. To her left was his bedroom; she'd never seen inside it before.
Being the nosy Potter she was, she crept slowly toward the room. What harm was there in just looking? She found it sparse like the one at Hogwarts. Apparently the man only believed in sleeping in his bedroom. Unlike his study, there was no apparent displays of the type of man he was, except perhaps an insomniac because the bed looked as though it had not been slept in for months.
She moved to the wardrobe first, finding his clothing, which was overwhelmingly black, hanging stifly. She checked his knickers drawer, everyone hid something there. But not Snape. All Penny found were boxers folded in neat piles. She wondered momentarily how many galleons she could get if she stole a pair and auctioned them off back at Hogwarts, but decided against it given Snape's severe response to the article she wrote in Hogwarts Howler.
Almost ready to give up, her eyes found a book laying on the bedside table. She picked it up, surprised to find the title read Peter Pan. A piece of parchment was sticking out the top, clearly marking his place. Penny opened to it, finding a single passage underlined. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.
She laughed softly, she'd never imagined Snape being the type to underline things like some girl reading self-help books, but if he did, this was the kind of extremism he would be attracted to. Still, it was utterly peculiar to her that one as serious as he would have even taken the time to read a children's book.
Making to close the book, Penny dropped the bookmark, her eyes lingering on the roughly folded peice of parchment as she picked it. It looked as though it had been unfolded so many times and read that it might turn to sawdust soon. Already committed to her snooping, she opened it, finding its contents surprisingly short.
—could have ever been friends with Gellert Gridenwald. I think her mind is going, personally!
Lots of love,
And scrawled in the most beautiful curly script Penny had ever seen was her mothers name, Lily.
She ran her finger over the letters, as though doing so would connect her to the beautiful woman who had written the letter, and allow her to feel the love she'd imbued in her salutations. She traced her mother's loopy letters several more times before wiping the tear that threatened to smudge one of the last pieces of evidence that Lily Potter walked this earth.
It was a slice of her thoughts that Penny had only ever been able to imagine. A thought cemented in this letter, the rest of its contents missing, though Penny dearly wished to read them. What did her mother mean, friends with Gellert Gridenwald? Who had she been writing to? Snape? But why? And if so, why had he only kept this part of the letter?
Thoughts swirling, Penny slammed the book closed and set it back down on the bedside table like it'd burned her. Why did Snape have that, sitting by his bedside? She'd always suspected they'd known each other, and Sirius had confirmed they'd lived in the same neighborhood as kids. But Penny had figured that to be a more childhood friendship, and that the pair inevitably went their separate ways, especially considering Snape's choice to become a Death Eater, and Lily to join the Order of the Phoenix. The condition of this letter suggested so much more; a possibility Penny did not know how she felt about, considering Snape typically made a point of not mentioning Lily. But if she had been much more important to him than he let on, why did he never share the nature of his acquaintance with her? Surely he must know that Penny, above all, was desirous of any tidbits that would help her understand exactly the kind of person her mother had been.
But perhaps his silence was because the situation was much more complicated than Penny could begin to wrap her head around. A terrible thought began to worm its way into her mind, making her feel uncomfortably uncertain, and suddenly afraid that the reasons Snape had been an ever-present fixture in her life ever since she arrived at Hogwarts, had nothing to do with Penny and everything to do with the fact, according to everyone else, she was the spitting image of her mother.
Feeling sick to the stomach, Penny abandoned the room and ran back downstairs, finding herself conflicted about staying. But this newfound information, while unsettling, did not trump the threat of Amycus hanging over their heads, and despite not wanting Snape to suspect she'd seen the letter, she decided to stay; but she needed some first air first.
Hands on the sliding glass door that led out the backyard, her thoughts in disarray, the basement door caught her eye. She glanced behind her at the front door, as though doing so would tell her exactly where Snape was. He'd always been so adamant she was to never go downstairs when she'd stayed with him over the summer, and for her part, she'd respected the request even though his frequent visits down there made her intensely curious. She suspected for the most part that, being the Potions Master he was, he typically brewed down there, but she did not see why that would be cause for him to ban her entirely from the area.
Given what she just discovered, she found herself intensely interested to know what other secrets he was hiding. And then, before reason could talk her out of it, she crossed the room and pulled open the door, finding a set of steep, narrow stairs that led into the darkness below. The picture was uncomfortably reminiscent of the muggle horror films she'd seen where the person who wonders down into the basement inevitably dies at the hand of the monster, but Penny was a wizard and knew the only thing that would kill her down there would decidedly come from upstairs, were Snape to catch her; a good reason to be quick. Lighting up her wand, she practically ran down the stairs.
When she reached the bottom, it took her eyes a moment to adjust. She looked around, eyes wandering over the potions station to her left. Even in the dim light she could see how clean and pristine it was. All his potions gleamed against the light of her wand, neatly lined in rows on a large shelf made of much nicer material than anything else in the house.
She had to fight the impulse to walk over and read the labels on the potions. What kind of things did he always have on hand? The answer to this question was intriguing, but it would waste the little time she had, were Snape to decide to make an appearance. So she tore her eyes away.
To her right, the same level of cleanliness was conspicuously lacking. Piles of boxes were scattered on the floor, spanning from the stairway all the way to the wall in no particular order. When she took a closer look, she found them covered in dust and smelling strongly of mold.
Why hadn't he touched them? Snape, the clean freak could not possibly abide such a sight, and so near a place he evidently spent so much time. There must have been a reason, one Penny wanted to discover.
Opening a box near her, she found a bunch of dust colored knick knacks, silverware, and nothing of any real interest so she moved to the box to the right of it, which seemed to be filled with books. Opening the one on top, she realized it was a picture album. Flipping to a random page, she found she had to use her cloak to rub off enough dust to make out what she was looking at.
A sallow-skinned woman who greatly resembled Snape it was uncanny, sat on a chair in an obvious pose. At her feet was a pale, thin boy wearing clothing that looked much too large for him. He too was sullen and possibly on the verge of tears. There was no doubting, based on the nose and eyebrows that it was Snape, though he was much cuter, lacking the severity his features had adopted over the years. And yet, even as a child, a certain air of knowing more than one should remained.
She wiped more dust revealing the man standing just behind the woman. His features were not so well defined as his son's were now, though she suspected he was close in age at the time this photo was taken. He also had an unkemptness Penny could never imagine Snape ever abiding. He was round, stomach protruding in the way mens do when they partake of too much beer, and on his face, a bitter unkindness.
Looking at him, Penny almost found him frightening, even more so than Uncle Vernon, and then she understood why, even as a child, Snape appeared so unhappy. Though they stood and posed in all the right ways, this was not the portrait of a happy family. The bruising on the side of the woman's the biggest indictment.
Looking at it left Penny feeling hollow, her mind suddenly trying to imagine what life in this house during those days might have been like. While she associated this place with warmth, comfort and safety, what memories he'd rather forget lingered here for Snape? And, if, as she suspected, this was his family home, what had possessed him to remain here? While teaching positions were not generally considered lucrative, it was well known Dumbledore gave his staff better wages than most schools, so he certainly had enough money to not be forced to stay here during the holidays.
Considering the boxes remained untouched, as though he'd tossed every valuable object in the house into the nearest box, dragged it down here and done nothing with it since, she felt that maybe he was not totally lacking feelings on the topic.
Not feeling like she was up for seeing another picture of a sad, baby Snape, Penny tossed the album back into the box, thinking she should probably head back upstairs when one labeled Severus caught her eye, its lid already ajar.
Peering inside, Penny found several pairs of clothing and realized this must have been where Snape had gotten those sweats for her to wear. So they had been his! Digging a bit deeper she found a couple of decrepit spell books, a Slytherin scarf that moths had clearly eaten large sections of, and a leather-bound book, except it did not have a title. When she opened it to the first page she found that familiar neat, cramped writing filling the pages to the brim and realized this was not a book; it was a journal—Snape's journal.
Flipping through and glancing at the dates marking the top of the pages, she saw they spanned from 1975-1978, Snape being meticulous to note the day on every single page.
For a long, silent moment, Penny stared at the words before her unseeing. These were Snape's thoughts during the time he'd been at Hogwarts and likely made the choice to become a Death Eater—the Snape Penny had never known and he did not like to speak about.
The path forward was a tempting, yet uncertain one. On the one hand, wanting to know everything about the man made her want to pocket the book, though she felt a tad guilty for breaching his privacy. But the other part; it realized that she was holding his manifesto which might contain truths she did not know if she would come back from, and possibly alter their relationship forever.
Like the photo album, Penny slammed it shut and made it put the journal back, but paused in indecision. Perhaps she should take it and think about it more. If she needed to return it later, she could. Judging by the state of everything, he would not notice it was missing.
Her curiosity getting the better of her, she pocketed the journal and returned upstairs where she made herself a cup of tea and sat at his small table, watching the snowfall in the backyard as she sipped it. After an hour of waiting and three cups of tea later, Penny moved to the living room, plopping onto the floor despondently.
Was he busy? Out doing something for the Dark Lord? Kissing more hookers? Drinking with friends? Did he have friends? Back at Hogwarts? Or was he simply avoiding her? Each possibility did laps around her brain until she could not endure it a moment longer and she crawled to her feet, flicked off the lights and left.
Wandering the streets of Cokeworth was easier without Snape throwing off her sense of direction and she found the little convenience store in no time. After buying a packet of cigarettes she sat on the bench they normally occupied together and lit one up, binding all the stress sticking to her chest into the smoke she sucked in and released it together in a little plume that reminded her of a chimney.
The instantaneous feeling of relief and the sting of the snow on her face reminded her of sitting in the backyard with Sirius—a thought that was too painful to allow to linger, so she pushed it quickly from her mind and pulled the journal from her pocket and flipped to the first page—September 1975.
"Take care of yourself and stay out of trouble," Mrs. Weasley was saying through her tears as she hugged Harry, Ron having already stepped in the Weasley's fireplace and disappeared in the green flames. The Ministry of Magic had set up this one time use of the floo network to return students safely to Hogwarts, something Penny greatly preferred to taking the Knight Bus.
"You know how I like a quiet life, Mrs. Weasley," said Harry, giving the woman a hug.
Penny's turn would be next, but Lupin caught her before she could be swept into the crying woman's arms.
"Just a second, Penny," he said. "Dumbledore has asked me to go underground," he started, adding "with my own kind," when Penny looked confused.
"Your what?" Penny said, having a hard time following.
"The werewolves," he said with a faint smile. "Most have already sided with Voldemort, but I'm ti make my attempts to get those who I can on our side. So I won't be able to write."
"Oh," Penny said, looking at her hands. On the one hand, she wanted to tell him she did not care whether he wrote or not, having a giant pile of letters he'd written that she had yet to open, but on the other, the thought of the danger he would be putting himself, it made her angry heart pang with worry.
"But if you need to get a hold of me, for any reason, and I mean any," he said, tilting his head to find her gaze, eyebrows raised so she knew anything meant anything. "Then just write a message and place it in that locket of yours."
"How's that going to get a message to you?"
"I charmed it the other day," he said sheepishly, pulling out his pocket watch. "Anything you put into it will end up in mine and vice-versa."
"Alright," Penny nodded, shifting awkwardly on the spot. Harry had just disappeared and it was her turn to go, but she did not quite know how to say goodbye.
Lupin pulled her into a strong hug, taking the decision from her.
"I love you, be safe," he said in her ear.
"Be safe," Penny muttered back, avoiding his gaze as they pulled away.
Turning to Mrs. Weasley she smiled brightly, giving her a kiss and a hug, promising to eat more and write when she got the chance.
Standing in the grate, Penny yelled, "Hogwarts!" her green eyes finding the warm brown ones just before everything disappeared and she tumbled out onto a cold, stone floor.
Coughing up ash, Penny looked up from her hands and knees to find the annoyed expression of none other than Severus Snape, looking back at her from the chair behind his desk.
"You redecorated," she said, getting to her feet and patting the soot from her clothing, sending Snape's left eye twitching. She had not been in his old office for some time since he now taught in Lupin's old Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.
"Out of necessity to avoid the destruction wrought by a few uncoordinated baboons. But how you how you managed, on top of being so inept at standing, to also miss the grate of your own house is a marvel, even to me."
"What do you mean? Doesn't everyone come through here?"
"No, Potter. Do you see the rest of your party? Students were assigned to the fireplaces of their head of houses."
"Oh. I figured you just chased Harry out. But perhaps this is just your karma for being a terrible fiancé and avoiding me," Penny said, pulling the chair out that sat opposite of him at his desk and helping herself to the pot of tea sitting among the things he was working on.
"I did not say you could stay. And has it ever occurred to you and your little conspiracy theories that I do indeed have other demands of my time outside the realm of your whims?"
"What could possibly take precedence over celebrating our anniversary?" Penny said, dropping three sugar cubes into her tea cup.
"Our what. . ." he said stiffly.
"How charming of you to not even have the decency to feign remorse for forgetting how we have been engaged for a year now, against my will, mind you."
"As much of a hardship it is to be the one to return you to reality, Potter, our engagement was also born out of necessity—one produced by your continued insistence to one up your own stupidity."
"I'll remind you of that the next time you drag me to another party to save your own neck," she smiled. "Evenstill, seeing as I am the wonderful fiancé I am," —Snape snorted derisively, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head— "I got you something."
Penny reached into her pocket and slid the gift across the desk.
"Keep it," he said, sliding it back.
"I insist," replied Penny, stopping him before he made it to her and forcing it back.
"I don't want it."
"And I didn't want you as a fiancé, but alas, here we are, so stop being so childish."
"I assure you, you were not my first choice," he sneered.
"Oh, who was?" Penny said in a tone of casual curiosity, eyebrow arched over the top of her teacup.
Leaning forward, "None of your business," he said, spraying her with spit on each word. "But she was nothing like you."
"So you're denying that redheads are your type? Because I'll remind you I met your—"
"I am not required to neither confirm nor deny anything, Potter, but I would suggest you get your little fantasies under control, they're getting a little embarrassing."
"Are we talking about mine, or yours? Because given the circumstances, it seems to me you're the one having difficulties, which is likely why you can't accept this gift, isn't it? But you want to know what I think—"
"No, Potter, as hard as it is for you to get your over-enlarged head around, I do not actually care what your opinions are on the matter—"
"—I think whoever this mystery woman was," Penny went on with a distinct sardonic note to her voice that made Snape's eyes narrow on her suspiciously. "She never knew of your feelings. Your bruised heart is not one that is familiar with the pain of a love lost, but rather, it was a love that never was. Those what if's have so easily kept you hostage to an imagined love; one you cannot move beyond. But I cannot blame you, because how can reality even begin to compete with the perfection imagination so easily offers?"
Her eyes trailed lazily back to his face, a twinge of a smug smile playing at the corners of his lips when she found the black eyes watching her, undeniably unsettled.
"As enraptured as I am sure you are with your own philosophizing, my indulgence of your blatant disregard for my time is at its end. You may see yourself out," he said quietly, eyes calculating as he slid the box back toward her one the last time.
"It is a gift. . .keep it," Penny said quietly, her hand finding his before he could remove it from the box. He did not pull away, evidently determined not to allow her the satisfaction of confirming she had accomplished exactly what she intended to.
Instead, the vein in his neck throbbed several times, his lips a thin line, but he did not break his gaze until Penny did, a smirk spiraling across her lips. "Thanks for the tea and chat, it's been illuminating," and humming a tune to herself to she made for the door, pausing just beneath the threshold to look back over her shoulder.
"Before I go. I showed up at your house last night because I figured you'd want to know that Amycus made a point of letting me know on New Years Eve that he knew I was the girl he lost on Midsommer and would be using that information to keep us in check. Hope that doesn't make things awkward for you."
And, leaving the man looking both shocked and livid, she made her way toward the Gryffindor common room, and getting stuck outside until Neville showed up to tell her the new password was 'abstinence', which seemed to be more a pledge mad by the Fat Lady who had indulged a little too much over the holiday.
Snape's continued insistence on treating Penny like she weren't, well Penny, continued when term started. He made a point to completely ignoring her in Defense Against the Dark Arts, giving commentary to all the other student's attempts at non-verbal spells and avoiding her and Neville, something Neville did not seem to mind. He have all her paper's O his customary remarks scribbled in red, notably missing. She never saw him at meals, and he was no where to be found when Penny went looking for him inbetween classes.
If it were not for him supervising her lessons with Adrian, and the 20 minutes every couple of days he spent tending to her curse, she would have seen him less than she saw Dumbledore, who Harry was obsessively trying to figure out why he was absent from Hogwarts so often these days.
Under any other circumstances, Penny might have been annoyed and chased him down, but she was too preoccupied with a more important matter to give it much of her attention. For the first couple of weeks since returning to school, Penny spent all of her free time scouring the school for any trace of who Regulus Black had been.
So far, the only evidence of his time at Hogwarts were the records that he'd been a prefect and head boy. She was frustrated by her search until she realized that someone who might be able to give her the insight she so desired had been sitting right under her nose the entire time .Slughorn. He'd been the head of Slytherin House during the years Regulus was at Hogwarts, and given the fact he seemed to favor Penny, due to his soft spot for her mother, she felt he might oblige her with answering the few questions she had.
Today in Potions they were working on mixing antidotes using the principles of Golpalott's third law. The entire exercise was rudimentary for Penny, whom Snape, during his office hours had taught Penny these principles in her third year, making her spend hours meticulously pulling poisons apart ingredient by ingredient before telling her that in such a case she needed an antidote, the exercise was pointless waste of time and to use a bezoar for most poisons, and all the others to mix an antidote that is three parts the substances found in the poison to four parts mistletoe berries.
Naturally, Penny was very disgruntled to learn she'd wasted so much of her time on something that she deemed so unnecessary, but Snape's point, which was annoyingly confirmed in this class, was that Penny's efforts imparted to her the ability to instantly recognize the majority of poisons on sight. A skill all her peers so evidently lacked as they struggled to produce anything useful in their cauldrons. Even Hermione, who was very good at potions was looking very uncertain about what she was doing.
"Don't even think about it," Penny said, stopping Draco from dropping his third wallomeel into his now gurgling mess of goop.
"Why not," he said testily, clearly not in the mood for potions today.
"Because if the first three that you dropped in did not turn your poison green, then a fourth also won't."
"Then what am I supposed to do now, if you're so smart."
"Throw whatever that mess is away, and seeing as your poison is obviously Banberry potion, brew an antidote to common poisons," Penny snapped right back.
"How can you be sure?" Heavy lidded, eyes narrowed, he considered her.
"Are you asking me what the distinctive properties of Banberry potion are, or a reminder that I have had private tutoring from that anal bat-of-a-man for the last six years?"
"Fine," Malfoy said begrudgingly, emptying his cauldron and starting again.
"You're welcome," Penny said sourly.
"I'm sorry, alright. This just feels like a waste of time."
"Oh? Pressing things to do?"
"If you think that poor attempt at snooping will be at all successful, then you're thicker than your prat brother."
"Who says I'm snooping. Perhaps I'd merely like to offer my services," Penny said delicately.
"No," was his stiff reply.
"Why not?"
"Because you'll go tell that annoying fiancé of yours and his meddling is the last thing I need right now."
"Even if that awful accusation were true, the annoying man isn't speaking to me at the moment. He's avoiding me like the plague, actually."
"Couldn't have anything to do with the awkward boner you gave him on New Years, could it," Draco drawled.
"How'd you know about that!" Penny hissed.
He turned on her, a look of annoyed pity darkening his handsome features. "Did you honestly believe your audience wouldn't recount that little display to anyone who would listen?"
"Who else knows," Penny groaned, closing her eyes and wishing very much she had not been so rash.
"The better question is, who doesn't."
Penny laid her head dramatically down on the table. The last thing she needed was that particular information getting back to her brother. The explanation would be awful if not torturous, especially if anyone else started asking questions. She felt the stirrings of shame in the pit of her stomach as she imagined what Sirius would say if he were alive to hear such a thing.
"Oh, don't look so pathetic. In case you hadn't realized it yet, your little performance secured your position."
"What does that even mean?" said Penny turning her head 90 degrees to look up at him.
"Lets be honest, not a single one of them was the least bit convinced Snape had any intention of marrying you."
"Then why did they think he asked!"
"Obviously to be able to fuck you before Yaxley did," Draco said impatiently, as he reached past her for some of her already chopped gillyweed.
"Is that so," Penny said tersely, sitting upright again.
"C'mon, Penny, it's not like any of them knew that on top of being ridiculously attractive you were actually a super-genius-maniac. The kind of maniac—" he want on, making a point to look at her to stop her mid-protest "—that is capable of keeping a man like Snape interested."
"Oh, how lucky I am, that such a being would bestow upon me his affections, when my sex so evidently lacks in everything other than sex appeal. What a benevolent—"
"Shut up, Potter, before you annoy me. You cannot pretend to me that Severus Snape has not been sucked in by that vexing personality of yours. You growing giant knockers was just a happy addition to the thing he already desired."
"Oh right, and next you'll tell me he's only mean to me because he likes me."
Draco's cool grey eyes bored into her green ones, that Malfoy sneer on his lips making her feel childish.
"Fine. Assuming I were to take what you're saying as truth, even though it's outlandishly far from the reality of things, and the others," she said, glancing around nervously, realizing it was probably inadvisable to say Death Eaters. "believed it was just sex appeal, how the hell did I change their minds on new years?"
"For someone who is so good at appearing intelligent, you are absurdly dumb sometimes, Penny," he sighed, making Penny scowl at him. "You bested him, Penny. Severus Snape—"
"—How!"
"With your magic! Even if you hadn't bothered to take a look at the state you left that room, you took on five and won!"
"How did I win. They got that collar on me and—"
"Sure. But it was you who maintained control of the entire situation, of Snape, the control freak. Without it, what were they gonna do?"
"I can think of plenty of things given experience," Penny replied, a note of bitterness in her voice.
"The point is, you proved to them you aren't the loud mouthed, helpless girl they assumed you were. You earned their respect, and Snape's infatuation, credibility. You are the first to ever make Snape lose face and I imagine he isn't very happy about it seeing as you are now his obvious weakness."
"Well I don't want their approval."
"Only self-righteous fools like your brother say such stupid things. Any moderately intelligent person in your position would use it to their advantage."
"To accomplish what?"
"To not die," he corrected pointedly.
Professor Slughorn called the room to attention and began grading their potions, the majority producing abominable results. Draco, though he had not finished his antidote, got an approving nod for (Penny) having correctly identified the poison.
Penny was the only student to produce a completed offering, which made Slughorn sing her praises loudly, beaming down at her with an affectionate look. However, it was Harry, yet again who was the star, producing a beazor as his offering and earning Gryffindor ten points for 'sheer cheek'. This seemed to irritate Hermione, who stormed out of the classroom before anyone else.
Making her goodbyes to Draco, Penny hung back, hoping to catch Slughorn. When the classroom was empty, he turned from the pile of papers he was putting into his bag.
"Penny my dear, you'll be late to your next class if you don't hurry," he said, features looking suddenly wary.
"I have a free period next, sir. I was hoping you would have a moment. I just have some questions about—"
"So Dumbledore is trying both twins is he," Slughorn said, suddenly swelling in indignation. "I suppose he thinks because Lily was a favorite of mine and you, being her clone—No. I already told your brother, and the answer remains the same for you, I know nothing about horcruxes!" he said, snapping his bag shut.
"Erm," Penny said, taken aback and confused by the turn this conversation had taken. "I'm sorry, sir, I don't think I know what you're referring to. I was only hoping to ask you about Regulus Black, seeing as you were his head of house."
Slughorn deflated slowly, looking mildly embarrassed as he considered her. "Oh," he said.
"But if you're busy now," Penny went on awkwardly.
"He was one of mine, brilliant boy and rather talented on the quidditch field. Seeker, like your brother. His talent kept the cup in my office for years," Slughorn said, face glazing over as he recalled something evidently pleasant to him. "But as with too many talented students of that time, he ended up siding with. . .Well, why would you want to know about him? I was not aware that Snape was having students profile Death Eaters."
"Oh, it's nothing like that!" Penny said, making a quick decision. Slughorn was a greedy man who coveted being gifted things, and Penny had just the thing to share to inflate that self-importance of his. "It's well. . .not many people know this," Penny said, glancing up at Slughorn to feign nervousness.
"Come child, you can rest assured anything you have to say to be will be kept in confidence," he said, eyes suddenly alight with interest.
"As Im sure you know, his brother, Sirius Black was my father's best friend," Penny started. "And he was made my godfather."
"Ahh, yes. Terrible, absolutely terrible—" Slughorn said, comprehension coloring his eyes.
"But what you probably don't know," Penny pressed on, not wanting to lose his attention. "He was wrongly imprisoned for the death of my parents. Set up actually, by Peter Pettigrew."
Slughorn watched her, brows furrowed and fat fingers sliding back and forth along that mustache of his. "There have been speculations but how. . .?"
"In our third year, sir. Sirius came looking for Peter, he was hiding as an animagus here at Hogwarts. Sirius revealed the truth to us, but Peter got away, so we weren't able to clear his name. But Harry and I, we helped Sirius escape."
"Merlin's beard, child. And Dumbledore never. . .?"
"He knew, he helped to hide Sirius. That's where Harry and I would go during our Christmas holidays that last couple of years, to stay with Sirius."
"Peter Pettigrew? I believe I recall the boy, very mediocre, often wondered what he was doing in a group of such talent—never one of mine, Sirius," Slughorn mused outloud. "Something to do with his family relations—all in my house—broke tradition though, didn't he? But set up by Peter Pettigrew, and for his best friend's murder." His tone was appalled, Penny for the first time in her acquaintance with Slughorn feeling a great sense of affection toward the man.
"We were close, Sirius and I," Penny said, after a moment of watching Slughorn mull over this information. "And, well, he passed recently."
Eye's wide, he fixed her with a sympathetic sort of look.
"It's been hard, but learning about his life at Hogwarts and who his family was. . .it's helped."
"Naturally, naturally," Slughorn said, nodding. "I wish I had more to offer you, my dear, after such a heart-felt admission. Regulus was a quiet boy. Brilliant, but mostly kept to himself. I do have—" he flicked his wand, a photograph appearing in his hand that he offered to her.
Stepping forward, Penny accepted it, looking down at what seemed to be a photo of the Slytherin quidditch team. Slughorn stood on the furthest right, much younger and beaming widely. And beside him, Penny found the familiar features of a younger, though just barely, Regulus Black.
"Sir," Penny breathed, looking up at him with a small smile. "Thank you."
"Of course, of course," he said with a wave of his hand. "I do recall that Regulus and Professor Snape shared the same circle of friends. Often saw them in the corridors whispering together. Given what I have heard about his affection for you, perhaps he could offer you the insight you seek."
Giving her thanks again, Penny took her leave, her mind reeling with many thoughts. Slughorn was the second person to mention the friendship between Snape and Regulus, something that just seemed so peculiar to Penny given his open hatred of Sirius.
It seemed if she wanted her answers about Regulus, she would need to corner the man and force him to desist ignoring her, though she was certain the poor-grieving-girl act would not work on him.
But that was not all she'd learned in the conversation. It was what he accidentally let slip that intrigued her. So Harry was doing something for Dumbledore and it involved Slughorn and this thing called horcruxes. Penny had never heard of horcruxes before, but she would make a note to check the library, right after she found Harry and borrowed the marauders map from him
Being currently obsessed with stalking Malfoy, Harry was reluctant to give it up until Penny gave him that look. She discovered that Snape had taken to hiding in the staff room.
Sitting on a windowsill on the third floor, she watched his little dot until, ten minutes before curfew, he exited the room.
Jogging, Penny made straight for his new classroom, arriving just as he'd stepped through the door, pushing in behind him before he could shut the door in her face.
"Sorry, professor, this is important," Penny said, dodging the arm that reached for her and settling herself several feet from him, sitting on the edge of a desk.
"What do you want, Potter?" he said, turning on her with tired, impatient eyes.
"I'd really like you to stop ignoring me, but I'd settle for you insight on something," she said, giving him her sweetest smile.
Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he shut the door, indicating he'd resigned himself, for a time, to whatever she was so dead set on harassing him about.
She waited, her feet dangling back and forth as he perched himself on the edge of the desk across from her, arms crossed.
"Make this quick—"
"Seeing as you're the one who will be doing all the answering, that will depend upon how forthcoming you are."
His scowl deepened, but he did not respond.
"You were acquainted with one named Regulus Black, yes?" she began as though she were interviewing him.
Silence ensued as he studied her features in an obvious attempt to discern the cause for her curiosity, but she kept the events of that day securely buried within her, having had much practice hiding it from Harry.
"For a time," came the calculated reply.
"What did you think of him?"
"That like his brother he was prone to the inflated sense of self-importance all the Black's seem to be susceptible to," Snape said, irritation flickering across his features.
"How insightful," she said sardonically. "But I want to know about his personality, so how about a few more details?"
"He was like all the other big quidditch heroes, I imagine you know the type, having the poor taste you do," he said delicately, but added, upon seeing the annoyance in her own face that would likely draw this conversation out longer than he clearly wanted it to go, "He could keep his mouth shut and at least had some intelligence, something that cannot be said for his brother."
"We're talking about Regulus, not Sirius, so feel free to keep your opinions about my godfather to yourself," Penny said, lips a thin line.
Snape had the decency to look mildly remorseful for the low jabs, but not enough to placate Penny, so she cleared her throat in an attempt to get her anger under wraps and stay on track. "How about as a Death Eater?"
"He was of little significance."
Penny had to stop herself from sarcastically inserting 'unlike you,' not wanting to provoke Snape into ending this conversation early and throwing her out.
"Okay, but how into the cause was he, on a scale of Peter Pettigrew to Lucius Malfoy?"
The corners of his lips twitched and he averted his gaze, clearly unwilling to admit he found her amusing. Perhaps the man had missed her after after all. "Did he know what he'd gotten himself into?"
"Anyone who would make such a pitiful excuse is merely trying to skirt their responsibility, Potter," Snape said, displeasure returning to his face as the black eyes found green again. "We all knew," he said, his voice making Penny feel they were no longer speaking about Regulus.
Was this his confession? Or an invitation to ask?
"Even you?" she said quietly. "Then why would you—" Brows crinkled, heart speeding up in her chest.
"Because I found the cost too great, despite my inclination toward the dark arts," he cut across her.
There it was, the truth of it—his service had taken something from him, something important.
"And now? Do the dark arts still appeal to you?"
Silence burned between them, but she resisted the urge to fill it, watching him with an unwavering stare. Apparently it was enough to deem her worthy of the answer to it, because said, "Such a lifestyle is an acquired taste, one that becomes substantially more repulsive the longer one abstains," in what was an uncharacteristic confession.
Again, he turned away from her, looking toward the only window that was visible, the one beside Penny's desk with the only curtain pulled back because she found it too claustrophobic when she was unable to see outside.
She'd never realized he never bothered to close it before, Penny having assumed he opened it to not hear her complain about it. Was his leaving as it was mere convenience or something else? Care for her, perhaps? Or was that open curtain the reminder of her presence he needed while he tried so hard to pretend to be indifferent to it?
"While I do not doubt that's true of being a Death Eater, I would argue adopting that lifestyle was just a means to an end, was it not? And. . .abstinence alone is not enough to make that underlying desire go away," Penny said, tone flecked with her own experience.
"No, Potter, it is not," Snape said, his hands falling to his side, grasping the desk beneath it so hard his knuckles turned white, but still he did not turn, the pair of them watching the light of the day disappear from the sky outside.
"Then how—"
"I found something I desired more," he said, already knowing what she was going to ask.
"But what?" Penny asked, pushing away from her desk, trying to find his gaze, willing him to tell her, to understand what it was that Severus Snape wanted from life.
When the last of the golden rays disappeared from the sky, he finally turned, dark eyes almost completely obscured by the light, but not so much so that she did not find his answer in them, though he never responded to her.
"If Black changed sides, he never told me. But the answer to the question you're really asking—to do so requires you to love something more than you love yourself. Only then does the steep cost become irrelevant."
So if you all remember my Moment's with Snape/Lupin chapters from last book, I've decided to do something similar this time. I'll be writing a selection of chapters here and there of Snape's journal entires and the letters Lupin wrote to Penny, as a fun way to break things up. SO look out for that. I'll probably label them something obvious if you want to avoid them.
Have a happy weekend!