Title: They're People Too
Author: Eeevee
Genre: Humor
Rating: Pg-13
Summary: "They aren't people, they are things for us to take and play with as we please. That's what makes us FGs."
Chapter One: Introductions
"Saizou!" Okita called plaintively out across the empty yard. The cute little piglet had been missing since earlier that morning and the purple-haired boy was a little worried. It wasn't like his pet to just run of like that.
Wandering around in his usual off-duty attire, never mind the stares, he went to look for the sweet little piggy.
The bushes rustled to the side. Despite being the captain of the first troop, Okita never even brought up his guard. Maybe it was too many sweets that morning or he actually thought the pig would be skulking in the bushes like a criminal, but he never had a chance.
Now, it was a public road, you'd expect peasants and such to be bumbling about their daily lives. What you wouldn't expect was a screaming mass of limbs and hair to come flying at you with an insane aura of lust.
Now, our lovely pretty-boy did what any sane person would do… he tried to talk his way out of it. See? Sane. I told you.
"Ex-excuse me… Miss… you're kind of pinning me to the ground. It's rather uncomfortable." He explained while trying to squirm out from under her. Imagine the rumors!
The first thing he noticed was the incredibly big, bright eyes of the girl. They were blue—no, purple—no, green. Shoot, the eyes were a beautiful rainbow. And matched her long, silky hair (which had somehow wrapped around his fingers and been stuffed in his mouth) perfectly. And they said HIS hair was unnatural in color!
"Ooo! You're mine now!" She gushed. "Just stop squiggling! It's hardly proper for the street. But dang, I could just eat you up."
He hoped that she was kidding on all accounts. He figured he might taste nice after all the sweet things he consumed. As for proper, he wouldn't really know. After being at the Shinsengumi compound, being jumped by a female was a very rare occurrence.
"Hey you!" Another female voice snarled. Okita twisted around to see a rather strange looking girl wearing what looked like navy tent canvas western pants and a rather tight top… thing… ish… whatever it was supposed to be.
The new girl matched over and grabbed Rainbow-Eyes by the hair. With a mighty jerk, Canvas-Girl dragged Rainbow-Eyes off of him.
Too stunned to thank her, he just watched as she suddenly went into a tirade about how he belonged with Hijikata-san and no one else.
"…So don't you even DARE Fangirl #73. Keep your paws off of him, do you understand? He's Toshi's bitch, got that?"
Okita grimaced. There were so many things wrong with that sentence.
"I'm sorry, I don't seem to know either of you." He said somewhat bravely. So many things wrong with that sentence… Like her calling Hijikata-san Toshi. He knew his superior was a player, but he thought that was in the past. Besides, only Ayunee and Kondou got to call him that!
"Oh, you don't know us." Canvas-girl said flippantly, offering a hand to help him up. After the bitch comment, he wasn't sure she knew he was a he. People did get confused quite often. It was understandable. His dress… and mannerisms… and voice… and hair… but BITCH? That made him sound like a dog!
As if reading his mind, Rainbow-Eyes scowled, "You make him sound like a dog."
The other girl smirked speculatively, "Only a lap dog."
"Eww! That's so nasty. All of you Yaoi Fangirls are so nasty! Go back to Adult Fanfiction. Net! Get your kicks there! Souji's mine." Rainbow-Eyes pouted.
Now, being a swordsman, Okita had a duty to uphold his reputation, but then there was that part of him that had no pride… and it was screaming bloody murder. Even a glowing-eyed Hijikata-san wasn't this scary!
"Umm, it was nice to meet you… ladies… I need to find my pet. You haven't seen a piglet with a sour expression around have you?" Excuse, great excuse!
The two shared a curiously disturbing look.
"A cute little…" Rainbow-Eyes started and Canvas-Girl finished, "Piggy?"
"Hey, Fangirl #73, I did what you asked, now where's Sumy-kuns?" Another girl chirped with a broad, deranged smile.
Canvas-Girl stared between them, "What did you do to Hijikata?"
What? Hijikata-san was in danger?!! Surely not. If anyone was competent and able to take care of themselves it would be the vice-commander. He was indestructible… right? That stupid little pride-less part was now suddenly very, very silent. He could… right? No way he'd fall to a bunch of crazy women… And what exactly did they want with him anyway!
"Do?" The new girl fluttered. "Absolutely nothing. I just secured him so Fangirl #73 could get at Okita…" She paused and looked over. Blushing, "Oops, and he's standing right there."
Canvas-Girl scoffed, "Like that matters!"
Hey! He did too matter!
"Sooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuji! Did you hear that? Your all mine now." Rainbow-Eyes squealed and knocked him flat again like a big, obnixous puppy. Next she would be licking his face or something. Eww, he thought too soon because she was running the tip of her tongue around the shell of his ears.
"Miss!" He protested, practically tossing her off.
She sat there looking at him, hurt, "My name's not Miss."
"Then what is it." He didn't want to know, he didn't want to know. Dang that politeness hammered into him. Just a few seconds more and he'd of gotten to a point where he could take off for the safety of the compound and warn Hijikata-san.
As he was inching back, he bumped into something. A calm voice announced, "So there you are Yaoi Fangirl #2. You know that those dogs," Eyes flicked to Rainbow-Eyes and the girl that had just arrived who he decided to call Butterfly-Pin, "Have stolen Hijikata. Who knows what sick rituals they're performing on him. I don't have to tell you that he's the central part of all PeaceMaker Yaoi. It's vital we get him back."
Canvas-Girl's expression turned very, very scary. Okita wondered if that's what he looked like before chopping some poor sucker in half.
"Understood. What should we do with these two."
The new Yaoi Fangirl grinned maliciously, "Should we let them go to warn their friends? Hmm, or maybe we should drag them back to a few choice spots for lovers."
"Nooooooooooooo! Nononono." Butterfly-Pin wailed, holding her head and rocking back and forth, "Not my Sumy-kuns."
"Who the hell is that?" Boss-Lady for the Yaoi Girls asked blankly.
"No clue." Canvas-Girl shrugged.
Almost… there…
"What should we do with Okita?"
"He should rescue Hijikata with us. After all, the man is his lover."
Okita choked. Those sweets were definitely coming back to haunt him.
"You DO want to rescue him, don't you?"
Well of course Okita wanted to rescue Hijikata-san…
"Good." Boss- Lady nodded. Then her eyes narrowed. Okita followed the four strange girls' eyes and winced. This didn't bode well.
"It's HER." Rainbow-Eyes hissed venomously. "That man-stealing wench!"
It was Okita's job as a man to protect the women in his life… but from other women? Somehow, some way, he vaguely remember his sister telling him to never, EVER get in the middle of two fighting women.
He didn't want to find out why. Actually, he just wanted to wake from this nightmare. Pinch. Dang. Pinch hard. Ouch! Shoot.
"Oh, Okita, how are you?" Ayunee said happily. She was holding a bunch of groceries, probably for dinner. Slightly behind her was Tetsu's older brother, Tatsu. He was looking like a tortured rabbit, eyes darting everywhere and muscles spastically twitching like mad.
Four pairs of hostile eyes were latched on her.
"Umm, who are your friends?"
Okita wanted to shout that they weren't his friends, they kept talking over his head, and that they had kidnapped Hijikata-san, but somehow he didn't think that was the best thing to do. They seemed to have strange powers… why couldn't he have worn his swords for once?
"I never did get their names." Okita offered with an apologetic smile. There was no running away now.
"I told you, they're not important. If you must call us anything, I'm YFG #1, she's YFG #2, and those two are the Hijikata-stealing enemy." Boss-Lady, well, bossed.
Butterfly-Pin made a face, "What would I want with that nasty old man? I just did it for my Sumy-kuns."
"Old?!" The other three shrieked and Okita could smell homicide in the air.
"You. Are. Dead." Rainbow-Eyes flamed, lunging for the other Fangirl with nails and teeth ready. Before anyone could stop her, she'd latched onto the other girl's face and was clawing madly. It took both YFGs to drag her off.
Tatsu whimpered and hid behind Ayunee, who didn't look surprised in the slightest for some strange reason. Okita was seriously disturbed. Maybe there was some merit to what Takeda said about women. They did seem awfully… vicious.
"You're going to stop that." Boss-Lady instructed then turned towards Ayunee, "And just what ARE you doing here? You're dead."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"She doesn't look dead." Tatsu said in a fearful voice, "Ghosts can't carry food, right?"
"You're very dead." Boss-Lady assured Ayunee. She pulled out something with sqiggly writing and pointed to a part on the page, "See, right there. You die a horrible death in which all the enemies, YFGs, and various other people cheer happily because you're in the way."
Ayunee's eyes widened and she dropped her groceries in the dust, "Nobody likes me?"
Tatsu glanced around and tentatively patted her on the shoulder, "I bet someone does. You've very likeable."
"Sure, you're just in the way. And we have a strict policy on roadblocks."
"Run 'em down!" Butterfly-Pin, miraculously recovered from her beating and primping with a funny mirror, butted in.
Canvas-Girl, who had been strangely silent, suddenly spoke up with a sly tone, "But you know, if you already had a man, you wouldn't be a threat."
Rainbow-Eyes, and Okita hated to say this in light of some of his slower friends, wasn't too bright, but she appeared to get something that the three bewildered characters couldn't conceive. A twisted smile crossed her bright red (did she have to wear such gaudy lipstick? And of course it had to be smeared all over his ear and face by now) lips and she crinkled her pert nose.
"What do you have in mind?" Ayunee asked cautiously. Okita was flat out amazed that they were suddenly almost… friends. It was a good thing there were no sharp, pointy things around. Well, except those wickedly long nails and those sharp hairpins and oh shoot. Who was he kidding? These strange women were very dangerous.
"Him."
"Tatsu?"
"Me?"
"It makes perfect sense." Butterfly-Pin nodded sagely, "Perfect sense."
"How does that make sense!" Tatsu shrieked, making the four girls and Ayunee cover their eyes in pain. Okita gave a smile, thinking that it was possible that Tatsu did a better job at screaming than the females did. "It doesn't make any sense at all! I mean, do I even know her?"
"That doesn't matter." Boss-Lady said, waving a dismissive hand. "You're perfect. Now shut up and accept it."
"But I don't…" Tatsu stuttered and he was suddenly shoved. One misstep, one fallen potato, and he was suddenly all over Ayunee.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!" He screamed. "Get it off, get it off."
"I wonder if he's got a phobia of women." Butterfly-Pin mused.
Tatsu jumped up and bolted for the nearest building.
Ayunee grimaced and brushed some insects off her, "That hurts."
Boss-Lady, having taken her sweet time in securing her captives, turned to Okita as if nothing had ever happened, "Shall we?"
A/N: How's that for some insanity? Must list sources... Eerie Queerie (Ghost!) #4, a random Saiyuki anti-marysue fanfic, Fyyrrose, Danly, and weird music on my playlist. Anyway, this is sort of dedicated to Dan, for wanting me to write some more PMK, even though it's not really HxO. It was supposed to be a one-shot (aren't they all) but got too long (as usual). Reviews and ideas are appreciated! Bring out your inner FG/YFG and let it play! (do you call guys Fanguys?)
Edit 9/3/04: Fine, fine, listen to her whine! Fyyrrose is immeasurably helpful in (almost) all my fanfiction and invaluable. How could I ever write without her? Anyway, I edited a bit, so hopefully it makes a bit more sense that my 1 am babble. If you want to be either a YFG or just a FG let me know via review or e-mail. I need basic stuff: your number, which type you are, any description, and who you want to get your paws on and/or which relationship you back :)