A Stupid Worthless Boy
Chapter 3: I Can Tell You're Having Trouble Breathing
Emma didn't know what it was, but an invisible force kept her glued to the chair. She knew better than to sit and let Manny's rapist explain himself. She knew better, and, yet, memories of Sean kept her plastered. If she had given Sean a chance to explain himself, then maybe they wouldn't be where they were. Maybe things wouldn't have fucked themselves up. Maybe she would have someone there to really understand her.
She locked eyes with Dean and an immeasurable wave of elation overcame her. She would never let that feeling go, not twice. "Did you do it?" she asked coolly.
"I didn't rape Manny," he stated matter-of-factly. His expression softened. "When I was with Paige, I was so stupid, ya know? No, you wouldn't. Let me explain this. I saw Paige, and I had this reputation... None of this is a valid excuse. I hate the person that I once was. Okay, so I thought she was like all the other girls. There were no girls that dressed like that and acted like that who said no, right? That's honestly what I thought. When she said no, I thought it was just part of it. I didn't understand. Later, when I heard the song she made, I came to realize what I did. I couldn't face myself. I really couldn't. I hate what I did to her, but without that, I may never be how I am now. I love women. I have this amazing respect for them, and this all sounds cheesy, right? I can never help her get over that, but I don't think it should ruin the life I'm trying to build up now. I know the effects of rape; I'll never touch another woman again in that way. Does this all sound really shallow to you? I'm sorry."
"Wow, so Manny lied to me," she finally said after a long pause, "and I'm sitting here having a conversation with Paige's rapist."
"Emma, I don't feel like you'll ever have all of my trust, and that really sucks because I just met you and already I feel stronger for you than I've felt for anyone else in my life. You would have never trusted me if I hadn't told you, but I had to tell you; I couldn't lie. I'm not going to judge you because of your past, and I only wish you could be able to overlook my past. I know it's not easy; I know my own past is a collection of skeletons in my closet. I also know that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and if you don't give me a chance, you might be missing out on the most important love of your life."
"You're right," she mumbled. "No, you're right. I just need time to think. I have a boyfriend and this entire life and you're going to come through and shatter all of this? Maybe I want you to shatter it, to break it like a bad luck mirror. I just don't know yet. This is all a bit much, as you can imagine."
"Of course, you can have all the time in the world. You most likely have my number in your phone from when I called earlier. You can call me when you're ready. Please, just don't pass this up. You'd leave me heartbroken."
"Heartbroken?" she asked with a smile.
"Well, something very close to that." He smiled. "I'll be waiting for your call." He grabbed the check and headed to the cash register. She cradled her head in her hands and stared out the window. Her phone rang, but she ignored it. She didn't feel ready to talk to anyone.
-.-.-.-
Emma walked into her house. It was past 8, but her parents didn't care because they thought she was with Chris, and therefore "protected." Anyways, they didn't have time to care about things like that. Not when Jack was screaming for food and Snake was crying out in anguish over the medical bills. Emma walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Snake's shoulders. She had been feeling a constant need to touch him or be in some kind of physical contact so that she knew he was real. She feared for the worst everyday, and it was her little way of dealing with it.
"How are you?" she whispered in his ear as to not wake Jack who was asleep in Spike's arms at the other end of the table.
He smiled for an answer. Spike winked at her and tried to maneuver the bottle out of her arms and not wake up the baby. Emma quickly came to her rescue, and Spike looked up at her, relieved. Emma then went to the stove and turned off the burner that was housing a boiling pot. "Dinner?" she mouthed to her mom who nodded in reply. She looked at the pan and smiled slightly. It didn't look appetizing, but it was the best her mom could do.
She grabbed a plate and had another silent dinner with her family. They weren't horrible, exactly, but she couldn't say she didn't anticipate their end. After clearing her plate, Emma silently made her way to her basement bedroom. She threw her phone on her dresser, ignoring the 4 missed calls. She changed out of her "courtroom" attire and into a pair of sweats and a tank top. She fell back on her bed and turned her CD player on low. Before she had a chance to get into the music, she heard a knock at her door. "Come in," she said in a loud whisper so it could be heard at the top of the stairs.
She heard the door open and then footsteps. "Hey," her mom said as she took a seat on the edge of her daughter's bed.
"Hey," Emma responded, turning the music down even lower.
"How did the trial go?" Spike asked.
"He got off," Emma answered truthfully.
Spike gasped. "Oh sweetie, that's horrible. Why?"
"I'm not really sure of the logistics, but Manny said she'd explain it all to me tonight when I called. Somebody planted evidence or something, it was all very confusing, and the judge just tossed the case out." Spike sighed again. Emma hoped she wouldn't ask anymore questions, since it had taken a lot of creativity to come up with that answer.
"Well, you've had a long day, and so have I. We'll talk more tomorrow." Emma nodded. "Good night, sweetie." Spike kissed Emma on the forehead and started up the stairs. Before she was halfway up, she looked back down at her and smiled slightly. She could only wish for Emma's life to get a little better, for her sake.
Emma turned the music back on as soon as her door clicked. She closed her eyes and let the words flow over her:
"...and instantly I feel so complete, It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek, And you give me this feeling, It's like no other feeling, But it knocks me off my feet.
Please don't ask me what I like about you, 'Cause it's every little thing you do, And that's just the way you make me feel."
The words hit her like a pound of bricks. She shot up in bed and grabbed her phone. She erased the missed calls without checking to see who they were and found the number on her phone. Her heart began to race faster and faster with every ring. The voice that answered sounded so happy to hear from her. "Emma!" he said excitedly.
"Hey Chris," she said.
"You never called me to meet up."
"I know. I was sick this morning, so I never went. Did you hear what happened?"
"Yea, did you?"
"Oh, yea," Emma lied. "Chris," she said, not sure how to phrase it, "Chris, I consider you to be one of my best friends, you know that, right?"
"Of course, Em," he answered.
"Then please remember how hard this is for me. Chris, I think we should see other people."
"What?" he screamed into the phone. She knew he would take it like this. "Why?"
"I don't think it's fair to you to have to date me at this time when everything's so wrong. I'm just a stressed out drama queen, and I don't know when I'm going to snap. I want to do this now before I do something I really regret."
"So you won't regret breaking my heart?"
"Chris, come on. This isn't fair. You know how I feel, but I think for right now, we should just stick to best friends."
"Nothing else?" he asked.
"Not for right now, but later on, who knows?" she said optimistically.
"Where did this come from, Em? I thought I was finally really happy with a girl. I thought you were happy, too."
"I was, erm, I am happy with you Chris, but not with anything else in my life. I don't feel like I have enough time for my family."
"It's not over, Em," he said. "I'm going to win you back."
"Chris..." she protested.
"Just watch, Em, you'll see how much better I can make your life," she heard and then a click.
He's just upset right now, she tried to tell herself. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me. And then she called Dean.
-.-.-.-
Manny's eyes widened as Emma fell into the desk next to her. "Late night?" Manny asked her oldest friend.
Emma raised her eyebrows. "I was sick yesterday." As if to prove her point, Emma gave a weak cough. "Sorry."
Manny shook her head. "Well, you missed my life being ruined." Manny checked for sympathy in her friend's eyes before continuing. "Yea, they let him off. They were going on my rape kit, since Paige didn't take one since she didn't admit to it until months later, and our testimonies. Turns out because I also had sex with Craig, the rape kit didn't turn up any evidence against him. Without that, it was just he said/she said."
"Oh, I'm sorry Manny. That really sucks."
Manny rolled her eyes. "Yea, it kind of does."
The two friends sat in silence until Chris walked into their homeroom. Emma leaned onto Manny whispering, "hide me!" Manny looked up at Chris and saw the forlorn look and then looked back at her friend.
"Emma, what did you do?" Manny asked.
"We broke up."
"No way!" Manny said, playfully hitting Emma. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You had your own problems, remember?"
"So it would be nice to get my mind off of them. What happened?" Manny prodded.
"Yesterday was a really shitty day, and he couldn't leave me alone. So I told him, I said 'Chris, I need my space.' So, then we ended up getting in a huge fight. I don't know, we've been going out for what, three months? I still don't feel anything extremely special. Not like..." Emma realized what she was about to say and silently thanked the Lord that she hadn't finished the sentence.
"Sean?" Manny offered.
"What?"
"You said 'not like...' and you meant Sean, right? Not like Sean?" Manny asked.
"Oh, well, I guess," Emma said, trying to play it off.
"God, Em, when are you going to get over him?"
"I know, I know," Emma said. "I'm trying my damndest. I just miss the butterflies. I didn't get butterflies with Chris. I think I deserve butterflies."
Manny laughed at her friend. "You're right, Em, every girl deserves butterflies. Well, you know what they say: there's plenty of fish in the sea. I say we go fishing."
"What about J.T.?" Emma asked playfully.
"I'll be a good girlfriend, I promise," Manny said batting her eyelashes. The girls erupted in giggles.
"Thanks Manny, but no thanks. I think I need a little break from the male drama right now. I need to focus on my family and my grades and the environment."
"Oh, what a great Christmas list," Manny joked. Emma cracked a smile. "Whatever you say, Em."
-.-.-.-
Emma felt her phone vibrate against her foot in the middle of MI. She looked around to see if anyone else noticed that her purse was shaking violently, but, miraculously, no one did. She grabbed her purse and gave Simpson a weak excuse before running to the ladies' room. Her phone was done ringing by that point, but she checked the caller ID and saw that it was none other than Dean. Her Dean.
She immediately called him back. "Emma," he said, and she could almost hear his smile. "What are you up to?"
"Well, I'm in school."
"Yea, I figured. I'm not."
"Funny," she said giving the phone a look and then feeling really stupid after realizing that he couldn't see her. "Just because you're all old and stuff..."
"Au contraire, my dear, I am not old. You are quite young."
"Whatever," Emma said. "What are you doing?"
"Sitting around, waiting for you to be done with school so I can see you again."
Emma looked around the obviously deserted bathroom. "Who says you have to wait until school's over?" she said with a devilish accent.
He laughed slightly. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"I'll be waiting," she said back. After hanging up the phone, she knocked herself on the head. 'I'll be waiting?' she mouthed incredulously. Then, she started to laugh uncontrollably. She had only known him for two days, but she knew that this was the one. This one gave her the insane constantly flying around butterflies that make you a little bit nauseated. She knew how wrong it was, but sometimes, that doesn't matter when your heart tells you how right it really is.
Chapter 3: I Can Tell You're Having Trouble Breathing
Emma didn't know what it was, but an invisible force kept her glued to the chair. She knew better than to sit and let Manny's rapist explain himself. She knew better, and, yet, memories of Sean kept her plastered. If she had given Sean a chance to explain himself, then maybe they wouldn't be where they were. Maybe things wouldn't have fucked themselves up. Maybe she would have someone there to really understand her.
She locked eyes with Dean and an immeasurable wave of elation overcame her. She would never let that feeling go, not twice. "Did you do it?" she asked coolly.
"I didn't rape Manny," he stated matter-of-factly. His expression softened. "When I was with Paige, I was so stupid, ya know? No, you wouldn't. Let me explain this. I saw Paige, and I had this reputation... None of this is a valid excuse. I hate the person that I once was. Okay, so I thought she was like all the other girls. There were no girls that dressed like that and acted like that who said no, right? That's honestly what I thought. When she said no, I thought it was just part of it. I didn't understand. Later, when I heard the song she made, I came to realize what I did. I couldn't face myself. I really couldn't. I hate what I did to her, but without that, I may never be how I am now. I love women. I have this amazing respect for them, and this all sounds cheesy, right? I can never help her get over that, but I don't think it should ruin the life I'm trying to build up now. I know the effects of rape; I'll never touch another woman again in that way. Does this all sound really shallow to you? I'm sorry."
"Wow, so Manny lied to me," she finally said after a long pause, "and I'm sitting here having a conversation with Paige's rapist."
"Emma, I don't feel like you'll ever have all of my trust, and that really sucks because I just met you and already I feel stronger for you than I've felt for anyone else in my life. You would have never trusted me if I hadn't told you, but I had to tell you; I couldn't lie. I'm not going to judge you because of your past, and I only wish you could be able to overlook my past. I know it's not easy; I know my own past is a collection of skeletons in my closet. I also know that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and if you don't give me a chance, you might be missing out on the most important love of your life."
"You're right," she mumbled. "No, you're right. I just need time to think. I have a boyfriend and this entire life and you're going to come through and shatter all of this? Maybe I want you to shatter it, to break it like a bad luck mirror. I just don't know yet. This is all a bit much, as you can imagine."
"Of course, you can have all the time in the world. You most likely have my number in your phone from when I called earlier. You can call me when you're ready. Please, just don't pass this up. You'd leave me heartbroken."
"Heartbroken?" she asked with a smile.
"Well, something very close to that." He smiled. "I'll be waiting for your call." He grabbed the check and headed to the cash register. She cradled her head in her hands and stared out the window. Her phone rang, but she ignored it. She didn't feel ready to talk to anyone.
-.-.-.-
Emma walked into her house. It was past 8, but her parents didn't care because they thought she was with Chris, and therefore "protected." Anyways, they didn't have time to care about things like that. Not when Jack was screaming for food and Snake was crying out in anguish over the medical bills. Emma walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Snake's shoulders. She had been feeling a constant need to touch him or be in some kind of physical contact so that she knew he was real. She feared for the worst everyday, and it was her little way of dealing with it.
"How are you?" she whispered in his ear as to not wake Jack who was asleep in Spike's arms at the other end of the table.
He smiled for an answer. Spike winked at her and tried to maneuver the bottle out of her arms and not wake up the baby. Emma quickly came to her rescue, and Spike looked up at her, relieved. Emma then went to the stove and turned off the burner that was housing a boiling pot. "Dinner?" she mouthed to her mom who nodded in reply. She looked at the pan and smiled slightly. It didn't look appetizing, but it was the best her mom could do.
She grabbed a plate and had another silent dinner with her family. They weren't horrible, exactly, but she couldn't say she didn't anticipate their end. After clearing her plate, Emma silently made her way to her basement bedroom. She threw her phone on her dresser, ignoring the 4 missed calls. She changed out of her "courtroom" attire and into a pair of sweats and a tank top. She fell back on her bed and turned her CD player on low. Before she had a chance to get into the music, she heard a knock at her door. "Come in," she said in a loud whisper so it could be heard at the top of the stairs.
She heard the door open and then footsteps. "Hey," her mom said as she took a seat on the edge of her daughter's bed.
"Hey," Emma responded, turning the music down even lower.
"How did the trial go?" Spike asked.
"He got off," Emma answered truthfully.
Spike gasped. "Oh sweetie, that's horrible. Why?"
"I'm not really sure of the logistics, but Manny said she'd explain it all to me tonight when I called. Somebody planted evidence or something, it was all very confusing, and the judge just tossed the case out." Spike sighed again. Emma hoped she wouldn't ask anymore questions, since it had taken a lot of creativity to come up with that answer.
"Well, you've had a long day, and so have I. We'll talk more tomorrow." Emma nodded. "Good night, sweetie." Spike kissed Emma on the forehead and started up the stairs. Before she was halfway up, she looked back down at her and smiled slightly. She could only wish for Emma's life to get a little better, for her sake.
Emma turned the music back on as soon as her door clicked. She closed her eyes and let the words flow over her:
"...and instantly I feel so complete, It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek, And you give me this feeling, It's like no other feeling, But it knocks me off my feet.
Please don't ask me what I like about you, 'Cause it's every little thing you do, And that's just the way you make me feel."
The words hit her like a pound of bricks. She shot up in bed and grabbed her phone. She erased the missed calls without checking to see who they were and found the number on her phone. Her heart began to race faster and faster with every ring. The voice that answered sounded so happy to hear from her. "Emma!" he said excitedly.
"Hey Chris," she said.
"You never called me to meet up."
"I know. I was sick this morning, so I never went. Did you hear what happened?"
"Yea, did you?"
"Oh, yea," Emma lied. "Chris," she said, not sure how to phrase it, "Chris, I consider you to be one of my best friends, you know that, right?"
"Of course, Em," he answered.
"Then please remember how hard this is for me. Chris, I think we should see other people."
"What?" he screamed into the phone. She knew he would take it like this. "Why?"
"I don't think it's fair to you to have to date me at this time when everything's so wrong. I'm just a stressed out drama queen, and I don't know when I'm going to snap. I want to do this now before I do something I really regret."
"So you won't regret breaking my heart?"
"Chris, come on. This isn't fair. You know how I feel, but I think for right now, we should just stick to best friends."
"Nothing else?" he asked.
"Not for right now, but later on, who knows?" she said optimistically.
"Where did this come from, Em? I thought I was finally really happy with a girl. I thought you were happy, too."
"I was, erm, I am happy with you Chris, but not with anything else in my life. I don't feel like I have enough time for my family."
"It's not over, Em," he said. "I'm going to win you back."
"Chris..." she protested.
"Just watch, Em, you'll see how much better I can make your life," she heard and then a click.
He's just upset right now, she tried to tell herself. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me. And then she called Dean.
-.-.-.-
Manny's eyes widened as Emma fell into the desk next to her. "Late night?" Manny asked her oldest friend.
Emma raised her eyebrows. "I was sick yesterday." As if to prove her point, Emma gave a weak cough. "Sorry."
Manny shook her head. "Well, you missed my life being ruined." Manny checked for sympathy in her friend's eyes before continuing. "Yea, they let him off. They were going on my rape kit, since Paige didn't take one since she didn't admit to it until months later, and our testimonies. Turns out because I also had sex with Craig, the rape kit didn't turn up any evidence against him. Without that, it was just he said/she said."
"Oh, I'm sorry Manny. That really sucks."
Manny rolled her eyes. "Yea, it kind of does."
The two friends sat in silence until Chris walked into their homeroom. Emma leaned onto Manny whispering, "hide me!" Manny looked up at Chris and saw the forlorn look and then looked back at her friend.
"Emma, what did you do?" Manny asked.
"We broke up."
"No way!" Manny said, playfully hitting Emma. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You had your own problems, remember?"
"So it would be nice to get my mind off of them. What happened?" Manny prodded.
"Yesterday was a really shitty day, and he couldn't leave me alone. So I told him, I said 'Chris, I need my space.' So, then we ended up getting in a huge fight. I don't know, we've been going out for what, three months? I still don't feel anything extremely special. Not like..." Emma realized what she was about to say and silently thanked the Lord that she hadn't finished the sentence.
"Sean?" Manny offered.
"What?"
"You said 'not like...' and you meant Sean, right? Not like Sean?" Manny asked.
"Oh, well, I guess," Emma said, trying to play it off.
"God, Em, when are you going to get over him?"
"I know, I know," Emma said. "I'm trying my damndest. I just miss the butterflies. I didn't get butterflies with Chris. I think I deserve butterflies."
Manny laughed at her friend. "You're right, Em, every girl deserves butterflies. Well, you know what they say: there's plenty of fish in the sea. I say we go fishing."
"What about J.T.?" Emma asked playfully.
"I'll be a good girlfriend, I promise," Manny said batting her eyelashes. The girls erupted in giggles.
"Thanks Manny, but no thanks. I think I need a little break from the male drama right now. I need to focus on my family and my grades and the environment."
"Oh, what a great Christmas list," Manny joked. Emma cracked a smile. "Whatever you say, Em."
-.-.-.-
Emma felt her phone vibrate against her foot in the middle of MI. She looked around to see if anyone else noticed that her purse was shaking violently, but, miraculously, no one did. She grabbed her purse and gave Simpson a weak excuse before running to the ladies' room. Her phone was done ringing by that point, but she checked the caller ID and saw that it was none other than Dean. Her Dean.
She immediately called him back. "Emma," he said, and she could almost hear his smile. "What are you up to?"
"Well, I'm in school."
"Yea, I figured. I'm not."
"Funny," she said giving the phone a look and then feeling really stupid after realizing that he couldn't see her. "Just because you're all old and stuff..."
"Au contraire, my dear, I am not old. You are quite young."
"Whatever," Emma said. "What are you doing?"
"Sitting around, waiting for you to be done with school so I can see you again."
Emma looked around the obviously deserted bathroom. "Who says you have to wait until school's over?" she said with a devilish accent.
He laughed slightly. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"I'll be waiting," she said back. After hanging up the phone, she knocked herself on the head. 'I'll be waiting?' she mouthed incredulously. Then, she started to laugh uncontrollably. She had only known him for two days, but she knew that this was the one. This one gave her the insane constantly flying around butterflies that make you a little bit nauseated. She knew how wrong it was, but sometimes, that doesn't matter when your heart tells you how right it really is.