Chapter 11. Crucio and Beyond
Harry wanted to get away. He felt caged and trapped as he had the night after Sirius's death in Dumbledore's office. The night after he had cast an Unforgivable curse. Harry scooted back into the corner of the sofa and brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He still had his wand gripped tightly in his hand. He could feel Dumbledore looking at him and watching him. What must he think of me now? Fat lot of help I'll be rotting in Azkaban for the rest of my so-called life. Harry moved his hands, still gripping his wand to the sides of his head and pulled on his hair and wished he could just die right there.
"Harry? What is it?" Dumbledore was speaking in a soft and gentle voice that Harry was sure was meant to soothe him but it really did nothing of the sort. Harry looked at him like he was mad; how could he not know what he had seen? "Harry? Was it Bellatrix?"
Harry could feel himself go even paler and die just a little bit more inside. He didn't think he could take much more of this. His body seemed to have forgotten how to breath and he was choking on air and certainly Dumbledore had to hear the sounds of his choking and know he was about to die.
Dumbledore reached out to put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder but Harry jerked back, palms up facing Dumbledore, still holding his wand and his eyes were wide as he looked at the man before him. He couldn't hold his arms or body steady as he trembled. He knew his mouth was working to say something, but his brain supplied nothing. He dropped his head again to his knees. He felt Dumbledore reach towards him and gently take his wand out of his hand.
"Harry, the last thing I saw was you dueling with Bellatrix. What happened?"
Harry looked up and couldn't believe he now had to actually say the words out loud to explain what he did. And he did have to say it. He couldn't live with this. He would rather die than feel this. He swallowed a few times and tried to look at Professor Dumbledore through his tear-streaked glasses, "I…I tried to...I cursed her." He dropped his head again. How could he put this into words to tell Dumbledore, of all people?
"What curse did you use, Harry?"
Harry felt himself begin to stop trembling and felt as if the last part of him finally died inside as he whispered, "Crucio." He couldn't help it, some morbid part of him still alive wanted to see the face on the headmaster as he said this and Harry looked at him.
Only he was smiling? He reached out to put a hand atop Harry's bewildered head and spoke softly, "And were you able to hold it?"
What the bloody hell difference did that make?!? I cast it!! Harry could feel his mouth working again, but the mouth to brain connection was again not functioning.
"What happened when you cast it, Harry, tell me?" Dumbledore was gently pushing back some hair from his face to better see him.
"She fell to the ground and screamed!! What else would happen?!" Harry swallowed with his eyes wide and wild now, just waiting to be yelled at. To be told what a disappointment he was and that they were doomed to have him as their only hope. He was feeling reckless and it was starting to sink in that he had cast an Unforgivable. He gave a short, dry laugh as he said, "And then she told me it was obviously my first Unforgivable. That I had much to learn! Said I only had 'righteous anger'!!"
"Exactly, Harry!" Dumbledore had both hands on either side of Harry's head and was forcing him to look at him. "I don't believe for a second you could have actually cast that curse. What makes the Unforgivable Curse so unforgivable is not the wanting to cast it but the extent of emotion and intent required to carry out the curse to its fullest execution! This is important, Harry. You must realize the difference." His hands moved down to Harry's shoulders. "The Cruciatus Curse is a continuous spell. If Bellatrix said you only had 'righteous anger' than you likely only hit her with what amounted to a stinging hex."
"But she fell to the ground and screamed! Not for long, she got right back up, but she--"
"She was reacting to the spell being said, most likely. Not to the spell hitting her. You would have wanted to hurt her; you had just witnessed her killing Sirius. You may have instinctively resorted to that curse because you knew it would cause pain, but when it comes down to it, Harry, you didn't have the hate inside you to want to cause pain to hurt."
"But, I've...I have felt it. I know what it feels like. I must have wanted her to suffer that!"
"Maybe for a moment, but you were not able to summon the hate within you to cause that suffering." Dumbledore pulled back and continued, "I won't say that you will never be able to cast an Unforgivable. I won't even say you won't ever have to-- you might. It's the truth. But you are very different from someone like Bellatrix or Voldemort--"
"You said once, it is not our abilities but our choices that make us who we are. Look what I chose to do! I'm no better than Voldemort or any of his followers…"
Dumbledore smiled at him again, "Not all our choices are conscious ones, Harry. Your heart could not do it. Even now--look at you! Do you think Voldemort has regrets about causing another pain?"
Harry recalled the young Tom Riddle he had seen in the Chamber of Secrets. He was nearly the same age now as the memory of Riddle. Could he imagine the sixteen-year-old Riddle feeling regret? "How could anyone hate that much? How could anyone possibly hate more than I did that night?" The only memory he had of being equally as full of hate was when he had thought Sirius had been the traitor who killed his parents and was laughing about it that night in the Shrieking Shack. He wanted to kill him then, but he had not known how. He was just as hateful at Bellatrix. But he didn't try to kill her. He wanted to hurt her. He still wanted to hurt her. "I still hate her. Everything she's done--to Neville's parents, to Neville, to Sirius. I think I might even hate her more than Voldemort." Harry looked at Dumbledore as he said this and wondered how this could be true, but it sure seemed that way in his mind.
Dumbledore had a look of pride in his eyes that mystified Harry, "Harry, I can't blame you for hating. You have a lot of reasons to be angry with a lot of things. You've taken everything that has been thrown at you and you still stand up ready for more--"
"I don't have a choice!"
"But you do. I never thought you wouldn't still be deep in grief over Sirius at this time. I never thought you would be as eager and willing to reach out for help and to begin training this soon. I would have understood if it took you a year or more! But you have made choices to accept your role and the fate before you."
"That was no choice. There is no other way--you said so yourself…what good would sitting around in grief do me or anyone else? Sirius wouldn't want me to do that."
"No, he would not. But you could have chosen to ignore it or to try to run from it, to deny it."
"That wouldn't help anyone. It's only a matter of time before he starts to go after muggles or my friends or Order members...and always--after me. 'More terrible and greater than before.' It's what Trelawney said in her prophecy the night Wormtail got away. If we believe the one prophecy, we must believe the other. It will be worse this time that it was before. I see how scared people are to hear Voldemort is back. How much worse can he get? I have no clue but I imagine, we have no choice but to find out. So no matter what I do, he is ahead of the game. Losing Sirius is only one person-- how many others will I lose?" Harry's eyes were searching Dumbledore's face begging for him to be told there was another way. That perhaps it would not have to get that bad before somehow, Voldemort could be stopped.
Dumbledore seemed to age decades in front of Harry as he sighed a long breath and looked deeply saddened, "I don't know, Harry. I wish, I could tell you it won't be so, but I fear you are right and that the time before us will be dark. But there is hope; there is always hope when people are willing to fight. Much of my hope is with you, Harry."
"But I--"
"No. Because you were not able to cast a successful Cruciatus Cruse, my hope has only increased. You may learn a lot about yourself from that. Now, let me make a suggestion. This is something I was going to ask you to do to help you sort through your thoughts to aid in mastering Occlumency, but it will also help you to understand how you feel and who you are. I want you to keep a journal. Not necessarily a day-to-day diary as much as a record and sorting of your thoughts. You need to learn to master your own mind and the thoughts, emotions and feelings you have in order to best defend them and the truths within you. I can send Fawkes with a book tonight."
"No, I have one. Haven't used it ever." The idea of putting his memories on paper was a terrifying one to Harry; he didn't even like to think about some of them, much less make them into concrete words and sentences.
"The thoughts and memories in your past and in your mind are your own, Harry. You must be the master of them. It is one thing to not be strong enough or trained to protect your thoughts from invasion by another, but you absolutely must learn to withstand your own thoughts and memories."
The next week went by fairly quickly with Harry working with Tonks and Lupin on Monday where they both described the apparition theory, process and the test he would be required to take to pass his licensing. Tuesday, only Tonks came to work with Harry. She explained that she was still on leave from work until the first full week in August when she would only be able to work with Harry on her day off and possibly on weekends. She worked on teaching Harry spells to create diversions. Harry thought most of these sounded like things Fred and George would do just for fun. By Wednesday, Both and Lupin and Tonks had noticed Harry was training with an exceptional amount of intensity that they both remarked upon. Harry offered no explanations for this.
On Thursday, Harry had his first training session with Professor McGonagall. She brought with her several things and not the least surprising was a book entitled, Transfiguration for Engaging in Muggle Warfare by J. McGonagall. Harry had to ask, "Is this written by a relative of yours?"
She gave a slight smile and with one eyebrow raised explained, "My father. He worked to create and train an army of wizards and witches to help fight amongst muggles when their world was in war. He wrote this shortly before he died. I thought you might read it and see what you think of it; working with metals is one of your stronger areas of transfiguration, I know."
McGonagall then moved on to pace back and forth before Harry in full lecture mode as she extolled the many ways in which transfiguration could be used to defend oneself. Harry had always found her lectures to be very tedious and boring and much more detail orientated than he ever cared to understand, but this was a whole new McGonagall.
"One skilled at transfiguration, Mr. Potter, will find he or she can create or conjure up nearly anything with which to fight and use in defense. You need a knife to cut free a rope--then transfigure a stick on the ground. You need to block a spell that is penetrating your shield charm-- then use a switching spell to translocate an object to impede your attacker's casting. You need to hide to avoid being seen or detected--then conjure something to obscure yourself. You need an ally to help you-- then animate a suit of armor to fight with you. The magic of transfiguration is truly endless; if you can imagine it, then you can create it. I believe Kingsley has already begun to instruct you on separating your incantations and spell casting? Confidentially, incantations: intended to help one learn and focus, often become a crutch. I mean it when I say if you can imagine it, then you can do it.
"You wand is a magical amplifier and concentrator. It helps to focus your magical energy and direct it. The inner core provides the amplification component. Your voiced incantations help you to learn when and how to release and direct your magic. You learn to correlate increases in voice tone and volume with increased magic quantity and power. In reality, our voices tend to reflect the changes in our emotions and passion associated with directing our magic. I will help you learn to bypass the need to voice incantations and eventually, to not require incantations or even preconceived knowledge of a spell to perform the action you desire.
"Professor Dumbledore and myself both agree that you have always had exceptional magical power, Mr. Potter; I believe you have been hindered by a lack of passion and motive in your coursework. We also believe you have never been one to require that you understand the theory behind spellcasting, but rather, you perform when you believe you should or must, so I will skip that part of teaching you all together-- I wouldn't want you to fall asleep with no Mr. Weasley to pass notes back and forth." Harry must have looked rather sheepish and shamed at this, for McGonagall explained further, "Potter, this is not a bad thing. It is actually more rare but leaves you with a lot more potential than, say, even Ms. Granger. While she works extremely hard to study and understand theories and to perfect execution of spells, she is limited by what she believes to be possible. She needs to understand something completely to believe it can be done and she is therefore limited. It makes her an excellent student of magic, but your approach will enable you be an excellent wizard and practitioner of magic."
The time flew by and McGonagall lectured on into the afternoon and Harry was startled to realize that the time had flown by so quickly as they were wrapping up.
"Potter, I have also brought along your NEWT course confirmation letter and your book list. Hmm, I will speak with Professor Dumbledore about how you are to procure your books and supplies. As for your holiday homework for my class, I will consider your work with me to be sufficient, however; I will be giving you an assignment each week that I expect you to have completed for our next meeting. For next week, I would like you to write an essay discussing different types of spells and categorizing them by how transfiguration might be used to block these different spells."
She was about to head out the door when she stopped again and gave Harry a stern look that made him wonder what he had done, "Oh yes, Potter? Ms. Weasley wrote me to inquire about your status on the Gryffindor Quidditch team this upcoming term. She said she believed you were under the impression you were still banned from playing? Untrue. Any, --" her mouth was curled in disgust as she spoke now, "--rules or decrees that were implemented last year were almost all summarily dismissed and can be disregarded. You are back as our Seeker. And, I would like for you to captain the team this year. You're the only one returning with any real experience and when we get back to school, I want to plan on holding full tryouts so we can find some Beaters who aren't thick as two short planks. Since we don't want to seem to be only trying to single out Misters Kirke and Sloper--even though we are--I suggest a full try out. Ms. Weasley has already expressed interest in trying out for Chaser, at least we know she can fly, but we will need to fill in at least two more there. You can tell Mr. Weasley that he will retain his position as long as he plays as well as he did in his last game. It best not takes him a whole year to keep from being pipped at the post every time someone shoots the quaffle. I am rather fond of that cup remaining in my study and I would like to keep it there.
"Your Firebolt, I had it serviced myself; didn't trust that nothing untoward had not been done to it. I have it in my office. If you like, I can bring it next week?" Harry nodded. It had been over six months since he had touched his beloved broom. "Very well. See you next week then, Potter."
That night Harry began work on his essay for McGonagall and soon found in Defensive Magic to Avoid Death, a table listing spells and blocking transfigurations for each as defined by the type and nature of spell and available resources; it was exactly what McGonagall wanted. Harry was still intrigued by the idea of being able to conjure up whatever he might need so he continued to look up several of the listed spells and practiced whispering the incantations in his room until nearly midnight.
He was just noticing how similar the switching spell he was using to make his desk chair switch locations and soar over in front of him and the Pocket-Pick jinx that he had practiced on a chair in Mrs. Figg's shed were, when a sudden buzzing and chirping startled him from focusing.
"Pigwidgeon! Come here you dolt!" Harry had to snatch him out of the air and then hold him still as he untied the letter from the frenzied owl. Luckily, Hedwig was out hunting and Harry didn't have to see her shoot him dirty looks for associating with such an inferior owl. He unrolled the letter from Ron and read:
Harry,
Don't you want to play Quidditch this year?? You have to, mate!! Ginny wrote McGonagall to make sure your ban was lifted. We were both irate that you might still not be able to play. There is nothing as important as quidditch! We have to defend the Cup this year!! There is no way anyone can beat us with you back on the team.
Have you been hanging out with Hermione? I think she has been a bad influence on you--why would you take all those courses when you could take it easy? Are you sure you are feeling all right, mate? I don't want to take Divination alone--who will make up homework with me? I hope I at least get to have it with that centaur and not the old bat.
And why--tell me, WHY--would you want to take POTIONS!?!? ARE YOU MAD??? Harry!! Do you KNOW who teaches that class?? Perhaps you forgot-- it's SNAPE!! I am beginning to wonder if these letters are being intercepted and if it's not really Harry who wrote that he was ELECTING to take BLOODY POTIONS!!!!
Speaking of bloody potions, you will never guess who was here the other day. Mum said I shouldn't tell you who though, not in a letter, anyway. Speaking of letters, thanks for writing Ginny. Whatever you said to her--the prat wouldn't show me--she hasn't talked about Dean once since then. She also never shuts up about the Cannons lately--I think she finally realized what a good team they will have this year. They still need to nail down a Seeker for this year but they're bound to be in the top two in the conference!
Harry skipped through the rest of the letter as it detailed the Cannons' roster changes and their schedule for the upcoming season and shooed the irritating, manic owl out the window so he could finally get to sleep.
On Friday, Harry was able to sleep in late, as he did not have to meet Kingsley until late afternoon. He spent much of the day working to add more points and discussions to his research for McGonagall's essay before he decided to pull out the journal from Hermione. Harry had promised Professor Dumbledore to try to use a journal to sort through his thoughts and memories to better organize and know his mind. Until now, Harry had not done anything of the sort.
Harry was finally feeling better today and felt like he might just be able to make some headway. As he opened to a blank page in the book, he recalled how he had came to a decision a few days ago to stop feeling sorry and regretful for cursing Bellatrix. He still loathed the truth of what he had done--proper execution of the spell or not, but he now laid the full blame upon Bellatrix and Voldemort. He knew it wasn't completely right but he made a conscious decision to funnel his feelings on the incident into something constructive besides self-loathing, disgust or shame: righteous anger.
It was what Bellatrix had accused him of acting upon when he had tried to curse her. She was right, only now, Harry felt compelled to prove to her just how much righteous anger could really do.
He dipped his quill in ink and began to write:
Things I Blame Bellatrix Lestrange For
1. Neville's parents loosing their sanity
2. Neville never knowing his parents
3. Cursing and taunting Neville at the Ministry
4. Threatening to curse Ginny at the Ministry
5. Going after and killing Sirius
6. My Righteous Anger
He had written the last one with deliberate conviction. Harry paused and pondered another list he might make…Voldemort…Snape…Dumbledore questing for memories he would rather not remember…
Things I Wish Had Never Happened
1. Voldemort
2. Prophecy
3. Sirius in Azkaban
4. Wormtail escaping
5. Voldemort coming back
6. My parents and Sirius dying
7. My father and Sirius bullying Snape
8. Cedric Dying
9. Being lured to the Ministry
10. Forgetting about the mirror
11. Being jealous of Ron
12. Having to live with the Dursleys
Other thoughts ran through his mind as he had slowed in adding items to the list. He was thinking of things but then rejecting some. He picked out and wrote down only the ones he knew for sure he wished had never happened at all. "Maybe this is what Legilimency is like; you scan through thoughts and pick out the ones that match what you are looking for. What other questions did Dumbledore mention…?"
Things I Wish No One Ever Knows
Harry paused and thought for a long minute before finally writing:
1. Sorting Hat considering me for Slytherin
It was actually funny that the one person Harry might have to hide his thoughts from, Voldemort, may just find this endearing. (Endearing…Ha!) Of course, Dumbledore already knew this but it was really Harry's friends who he wished not to know. He wondered if they would think ill of him and the fact that had he not wanted to not go into Slytherin, he may very well have been sorted there. Hmm, maybe he would find it amusing to see their reactions. He recalled the memory of the Sorting Hat telling him he would do well in Slytherin when he and Snape had just begun to practice Occlumency. "Maybe I don't care so much who knows that." he mumbled as he crossed it out on the page. He paused and could think of nothing else to list.
He shut the journal and then pulled out his course confirmation letter. It listed each NEWT level course he had, the sixth year course objectives, and described any assignments to be completed before the end of Holiday. Harry's letter had no homework listed for Transfiguration, CoMC, and DADA. Harry knew Hagrid rarely assigned written work (Harry suspected he did not want to have to read through it all), but the fact that there was no Defense homework would mean they still had yet to find a new teacher.
When Harry read his Charms ("Describe and discuss Disillusionment charms and their applications, uses and precautions to be observed when performing on live beings. Begin practicing casting of Disillusionment charm on inanimate objects.") and Potions ("Discuss the biochemical effects of ingested truth serums and how they might be countered." and "Research and summarize one class of poisons and theorize what properties would be required of a universal class antidote.") assignments and suspected that Flitwick and Snape may have given Harry these specific assignments at Professor Dumbledore's request.
Training with Kingsley went well enough. He had been pleased that Harry was now able to completely break though his Full Body Bind within about ten seconds. He also was impressed Harry could now whisper an incantation and, if concentrating, still cast at full strength. Harry still was struggling to wake up his mind after being stunned, however, Kingsley assured him it often takes several weeks for an Auror to learn this during fulltime training.
He also let Harry practice binding him with magical ropes and then demonstrated the different amounts of power in spell each time it was cast, as he would try to break through the ropes. Kingsley told Harry before he had to leave that he was making excellent progress and that even Moody had been impressed after his first training with Harry.
The next morning Harry had to meet with Moody again and continued to impress him with quickly whipping through several different jinxes as Harry identified and countered each. (Harry made a mental note to thank Lupin and Tonks.)
"All right, Potter, let's see how well you wield your wand." Harry was relived to hear he was done with being jinxed.
"Now, put your wand away." Moody was also tucking his own wand into his robes. "On the count of three we draw. Have you been practicing with that holster I gave you?"
Harry had just tucked his wand into the holster currently strapped onto his forearm and nodded. He was confident he had some excellent maneuvers to draw his wand.
"One…two…THREE!"
Harry drew his wand with a flick his wrist but was immediately stunned by Moody.
"Ennervate. Don't do you much good to draw a wand if you're not gonna use it, boy."
Harry stood back up and shook himself off and was thinking grumpily, "You never said I was to cast a spell."
The both replaced their wands and Moody ordered, "Let's try it again, Potter. One…two…STUPEFY!!"
"Ennervate."
Harry awoke to see that damn whizzing blue eye of Moody's going around and around and he was beginning to wish he had read more of Dueling with Wizards Who Play Dirty. He ground out through clenched teeth, "Why don't we both count to three and then after, we have both said 'three', then we draw. How's that sound?" Harry was beginning to think Moody just liked to use him for target practice. Hmm, we'll see how he likes a moving target then.
After they had both replaced their wands, Moody started, "You think you're ready now? One…"
Together they counted, "…two…THREE!"
Harry had dropped to one knee and pushed off to the side as he had drawn his wand and whispered, "Protego!" Moody's spell rebounded in a flash of red light and hit him square in the chest. Harry smirked.
A/N: For my own easy access of chapter files from any computer, I've created a new yahoo group at the site posted on my bio page. The group name is "HP_AoF". I have posted (and will post future) chapter files to be available for download on this site.