Chapter 13. A Room of One's Own
"This doesn't involve one of Hagrid's pets does it?"
Harry could feel Hermione roll her eyes as she led him up to the top floor of Grimmauld Place. He sniffed, "It doesn't smell like Buckbeak anymore." Is that a good thing?"
He could hear Hermione smiling as she answered, "Yes, Buckbeak is back to where he ought to be: free and roaming about."
Lupin explained, "You see, when Hagrid fled the school, Dumbledore had him stay here for a stretch. And well, he was a right bit tore up about being forced to flee and all but as soon as Sirius saw him, he remembered your story of how Hagrid had been so attached to Buckbeak. He brought him up here and the two were reunited and Hagrid didn't stop sobbing for days." Harry was smiling at the thought of Hagrid and 'Beaky'. "So anyway, when all was clear for Hagrid to leave, he took Buckbeak with him and took him wherever it is hippogriffs go. Here we are."
They had stopped walking down the end of a long hall and Harry figured they had already passed the room where Buckbeak had been kept. He had not ever ventured this far down the hall. He heard a door open and felt Hermione turn him to his left as she fiddled with is blindfold.
"Hold on Hermione," Lupin spoke, "let's explain what he's about to see. You see Harry, --"
"Not really." Harry cut in.
Lupin cleared his throat, "So anyway, It was all really Hermione's idea. You s--, well, er, after Christmas holidays she made a suggestion to me to try to suggest to Sirius that he take on a project to sort of, redo, the house."
Hermione cut in, "You remember how happy he was when we were all here for holidays and he was cleaning and decorating and, well, happy? I thought it might do him good to have a project and to do something."
"Yes, well, he certainly did take to it. Especially after he found out there were withdrawals being made in the Black Family vault at Gringotts. He knew it had to Bellatrix and so he had all the money he swore to never touch, transferred to his own vault. Bill Weasley tipped him off to a new service at Gringotts-- a sort of credit voucher system for people who can't get out and use Owl Order a lot. Well, once Sirius got hooked up with that, he went all out and was desperate to spend every Knut of his parents' in an effort to 'lighten the Black House' as he put it."
Harry couldn't fathom what this may mean, "So he, erm, spent a lot of time redecorating did he?"
Tonks chipped in helpfully, "Oh not just redecorate; he remodeled! He demolished! He was rebuilding--didn't get it all done but it's worked out quite well for us now. Oh let him see!" Harry could hear her bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation.
"Er, what exactly am I about to see?"
"Well," Lupin guided Harry carefully forward a few steps and though a doorway, "Sirius wanted to give you something. He wanted to make sure you knew you always had someplace to go and someplace you could always call your own. He, er, was never very happy when he lived here and I know he hated being reminded of his childhood spent here. That's why he wanted to tear down and toss everything that was and replace it. Most of all though, he hated his room--the one he had growing up. He said it held too many bad memories. He actually gutted it way back last summer. But when he started his project after the holidays and wanted to give you your own room, he chose his own. I think he felt someone should be able to live in it and be happy. We are at the room he made for you, Harry."
Hermione slipped off the fabric sash and Harry fluttered open his eyes.
Harry blinked a few times. It looked…very…Gryffindor. Red. Gold. Everything was Gryffindor red and gold. For a moment he thought it was the Gryffindor Common Room. There were two squashy armchairs with a chess table between them over by a wide fireplace; a small sofa on the other side of the fire, and the rugs had the red and gold theme, too. He was actually half-thinking that perhaps Sirius had raided the Gryffindor Common Room and that there would be some chairs, a sofa and some rugs missing when he returned. Harry hadn't moved a muscle. He was now staring at the bed; a huge bed -- twice the width of even his dormitory bed. It was a four-poster with velvet hangings on each corner and at the head in, what else, Gryffindor red. There was even a Gryffindor crest in the center of the hangings at the head of the bed. Harry thought the bed wouldn't even fit into his own smallest bedroom on Privet Drive. Then Harry spotted his own trunk with which he had just arrived with, already set upon the foot bench at the end of the bed; he could see his own initials, "H.P" on it. Must have been Dobby, he thought.
His eyes scanned the room to take it all in: rich dark wood trim, a large wardrobe, shelves and shelves of books…. He was, dumbstruck. It's so much. For me? The idea that Sirius would spend so much time and effort, or even money, on something to make Harry feel like he had someplace 'to call his own'--even the notion that he had a place to call his own! Too much. It's a far cry from the cupboard under the stairs. He could barely move his eyes from one thing to the next to see the entire room.
A soft, familiar hoot from his right made him turn to see Hedwig on a perch by an open window. "She just arrived this morning. Knew right where to go." Hermione whispered to Harry.
Tonks, not one for extended periods of non-excitement, broke the reverent silence with, "So? What do you think? I tried to tell Sirius you would want Slytherin colors just to be different but he didn't believe me."
Harry felt that his mouth was a little dry and he realized it must have been hanging open the entire time. He snapped it shut. "Er. Well." It was back to hanging open again.
"You think that means he likes it?" Tonks was asking Lupin to interpret Harry's eloquent reply.
"Why don't we give him a few moments to take it all in." Harry was barely cognizant of Lupin steering Tonks back into the hall.
The thoughts in Harry's head were swimming and were just beginning to settle to a pace where he could think one at a time. He was feeling a bit, overwhelmed. This room, it seems, fit for someone who is to defeat a Dark Lord. Hmm, I think I want my cupboard back.
"Harry?" Hermione was the only one remaining in the room now with Harry.
"It's so much; so, opulent. Too much." The awe was apparent in his voice.
"Oh Harry, he wanted to give you something you deserve."
"I don't want to deserve this much." He meant it. It was one thing to be preparing to fight Voldemort for a chance to live his own life; a chance to leave his current half-life and the need to return to the Dursleys each year. But this, this meant more--something else. This was the room for someone with a life he wasn't meant to enjoy.
Hermione turned to face him fully and was searching his face to read him, "Harry, you deserve this."
He shook his head, "I don't--"
"Sirius deserves this! He wanted you to be happy in here--he still wants to see you happy. He deserves to be able to try to make you happy. And you deserve to have people who care about you and want to make you happy." She reached out and placed her hand on his arm for a brief moment before turning to leave him alone.
Ergh! I feel like I keep taking one step forward and two steps back! Harry was sitting on the foot bench at the end of his bed and staring into the crackling fire. I know what I am supposed to do, but I can't help but resent the damned fact that I have to do it! I need to get over this. Hermione's right, I need to feel I deserve this. He had taken a walk through the room and sat down to think before anyone came back in to ask him how he liked it. With his elbows on his knees, he cradled his head in his hands.
"May I come in, Harry?" The sound of Professor Dumbledore's voice broke Harry's train of non-existent thought. Harry stood up and gestured for him to come in.
Professor Dumbledore looked about and smiled at Harry, "Quite Gryffindor, isn't it? Wait until you see the rest of the house; it doesn't stop here. Not a single serpent-head door knob remains."
Harry thought that seeing the rest of the newly redone house might be just what he needed to not feel like this room was such an extreme. He nodded and gestured towards the door and that they might head out.
There was red and gold everywhere. The hall runners were red and gold weaves. The door handles were either plain brass or a lion's head. Even the wallpapers were now red and gold. Dumbledore stopped at the entrance to where Buckbeak had stayed; the room that had belonged to Sirius's mother. "Now, this is going to look a little different." He pushed open the door and stood aside to let Harry in.
His jaw dropped yet again as he surveyed a vastly open hall. What had been the main room of the master en suite was now a great long hall that ran, what must have been, the entire length of the house.
"Sirius decided to, er, completely redo both his parents' rooms and his brother's. And well, I think it was rather cathartic for him and he really wanted to start from scratch." Harry could see that the walls between the rooms had all been tore down and that indeed, the room was the entire length of the house.
"Sirius never got to complete his plans for this area. In fact, I am not sure he had any plans for it. Nonetheless, Remus and Ms. Granger have put in quite a bit of work to make this space suitable for use for training. Even Nymphadora and Dobby spent a good number of hours helping out." Harry could see that the floors had all recently been polished and that much of the walls had recently been replastered. He walked into the room and his footsteps echoed across the floor. There was a fireplace on each the near wall and the wall at the end of the hall; they would have been for two separate rooms originally.
"Wow. Wow. This is spacious." Harry felt that about summed it up.
"Yes, we still have to add the cushioning charms if you want them on the walls or floor anywhere. But it's more than enough space for a group to train in. I am sure Ms. Granger will be eager to attend your sessions with you; she would be very disappointed to miss out on an opportunity to learn."
Harry smiled at this understatement. "Yes, she would most definitely be, disappointed. So, were all the rooms redone then?"
Dumbledore motioned to walk further along into the hall and down the room towards another door that opened back into the hallway. "Just about. Dobby has been helping anytime he sees anyone else working on the house." Dumbledore led the way back down the stairs and to the drawing room, which was, coincidently, all red and gold. Hermione, Lupin and Tonks were all sitting at the table as Harry and Dumbledore walked in. "The only two real vestiges of the former house are the portrait in the entrance hall and the tapestry." Dumbledore motioned towards the offending item on the wall across the room. "I've tried to unstick them myself, alas, to no avail."
The remainder of the morning involved a tour of the new improved Grimmauld Place. The four of them ate lunch in the drawing room and before Dumbledore had to depart he beckoned Harry to follow him out the drawing room and down the end of the hall to another room Harry had never seen inside. "This was a library and the first room Sirius used to stuff unwanted things into. You probably never saw it. But it's all cleared out now, except for the books. Sirius furnished it for use as my office when I had to leave Hogwarts. I still may occasionally use it for a private chat, but it is free for use to anyone. I daresay, Ms. Granger has nearly made it her home, as she's been tearing through several old tomes with alarming speed."
Dumbledore led Harry into the room that was lined with bookshelves. It had a large desk in the center, a small circular table on one side with chairs around it and a pair of armchairs over by a fireplace, to which, Dumbledore ushered Harry to have a seat. "Harry, I wish to speak with you about your joining the Order." Harry's heart skipped a beat as he dreaded that he would be told he was still too young and would have to wait. "Now, I have not told anyone else that you will be officially a member. Remus has been told to answer your questions about what may be going on, but as you know, there hasn't been much at all going on. I have my reasons for this." Dumbledore templed hands beneath his chin as he spoke, "I suspect there to be some resistance to your induction--based upon your age, solely."
"From whom?" Harry wondered.
Dumbledore sighed before answering, "Well, the people who care most about you for one. Molly and Arthur will surely wish you to remain untroubled with the burdens of the Order. Others perhaps who don't know you as well, may think you can't possibly know what you are getting yourself into." He held up his hand to forestall Harry from commenting. "However, you will join. Do not fear. In fact, I think it may be best if there is some resistance. For induction, Order members are generally admitted with unanimous approval. If, however, there is dissent, then an alternate method of induction is followed."
"What alternate method?"
"Well," Dumbledore laughed, "we won't know until it happens you see, but, I want to say this: we will likely need to cement our allies who will support your induction. I am talking about choosing a few current members to vouch for you and to support you completely, who will then be able to persuade others with their influence, on your behalf. Harry, this is completely up to you, but I want you to consider that we tell these people the truth; the entire truth--about the prophecy."
Without even hesitating, Harry said, "Lupin. He should know."
Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, I figured you would want to include him."
Harry was wracking his brain, going through the members of the Order thinking who might support him and whom he might stand to know the prophecy. "Moody? He might, well, he wouldn't treat me any different because of it and I think he'd vouch for me then?"
Dumbledore nodded again, "Yes, I think Alastor would indeed support you."
Harry was still thinking. "How will we tell them? Will you?"
"I can use my pensieve again to show the prophecy to them. I will have to explain plenty about my own actions and why I chose to tell only I what I did. But, I believe you may make a case for yourself, as well. You don't have to decide yet, in fact, we will wait until after this Friday to see how it goes. I just want you to be prepared and to think about it."
The rest of the afternoon had Lupin and Tonks discussing and explaining more tedious points on apparition to Harry and Hermione in the drawing room. Harry was almost nodding off as Lupin described the differences between precognitive apparition and coordinate-based apparition when he wondered aloud, "Where are we going to actually practice this? Here?"
Lupin stopped lecturing and even Tonks seemed to snap out of her daze. Hermione was the one, though, who took to answer Harry's question, "Well, we may learn precognitive apparition here in Grimmauld Place. We can apparate from one place to another within the house. I suppose once we have mastered that, then we might try to go someplace outside of here that we know about. No one can apparate back into here though, unless Dumbledore has given him or her the coordinates, to enable them to know the location. I suppose, he might give us those coordinates, seeing as, it would really be testing our coordinate-based skills because the Fidelius prevents precognitive recognition of the location."
Harry thought a simple 'We'll practice here.' would have sufficed, but he pressed on, "So, when do we start to try this?" He could already see Hermione looked reprovingly at him, and so he went on, "I mean, this is all well and good and I can read and hear about this, but well, can't we just give it a try and see what happens?"
"Harry! You could get splinched!"
The idea of sitting around and discussing the time/space ratios of relativity was not appealing to Harry in the least, "Yeah, what exactly is 'splinching' and how does it happen? There's something I'd like to know!"
Tonks perked up and piped in, "Ooh! That's where someone screws up and leaves a body part or two behind on maybe even sends a few parts to one place and the rest to another. Or, maybe they've landed on the exact spot as another person at the exact same time-- now that takes talent! You see, if you are apparating to one particular spot and there is another person near where you are planning to appear, you will be able to realize this before you pop in and adjust a little over to avoid them. But if someone else is apparating in, just like you, and you both happen to land at the same time in the same spot, then you might be splinchmelded or splinchswapped."
Harry had to ask, "What's--"
"Splinchmelded? That's when two people's bodies merge in an unnatural way and become one body. It usually looks like a confused tangle of limbs and the people are usually quite cross and cursing at each other--rather like a runespoor. You could also meld with another object, but I've never seen that one. Splinchswapped is where they are still two separate bodies but they may have swapped up a few limbs and such-- more like a hippogriff."
These didn't exactly sound pleasant to Harry, but it was certainly more exciting, "And these are all, correctable conditions?"
Lupin assured him, "Of course, in fact, it's even easier now, I hear. You used to have to go to St. Mungos for desplinching via transfigurative restoration and a restorative draught that takes a long while to have prepared. But now, I heard someone say they've improved the restorative draught to only require an extract of mandrake root instead of a fresh cutting of the root. So you can now use a stock potion instead of waiting for the fresh roots to be available; quite simple really. It's helped them cut days off their hex removal and such, as well."
"Well, then what do we have to lose to try it out? Just a first try--like from here to there." Harry gestured from himself to the other side of the table.
Lupin and Tonks exchanged a look before Hermione said briskly, "Harry, if you don't understand how to do it, then you'll fail for sure."
A smile grew on Harry's face as he recalled McGonagall explaining the difference between his own learning style and Hermione's. He turned to face her and said, "Flutter five Galleons I can do it before you can."
Hermione's eyes grew wide and Harry could the conflicting struggle within her: to lecture and make sure Harry didn't hurt himself or to be competitive and prove she was better.
Tonks clapped in glee at the challenge. Lupin provided the voice of calm, "Now, let's not be hasty here. Harry, if you feel you are ready to give it a go, then you may try. Hermione, you are under no obligation to try it if you don't--"
"I'll do it." She had a steely look in her eyes and had already stood up and pushed her chair back away.
Harry couldn't help but smirk and fell just a tad bit guilty for provoking her--a task usually reserved for Ron. "Hey, I don't mean right this second. I just meant, well, maybe tomorrow. It's already been a long afternoon; I don't fancy a desplinching today." He hoped he hadn't irked Hermione too much, but she did appear to be relieved at hearing this.
"Well, "Lupin checked his watch and stood up, "it has been a long afternoon. If you want to try it tomorrow, then all right. I'm going to head up for a kip before dinner." He looked at Tonks, "You sticking around?"
"Oh yes, it's my last week off of work. I be back to full time next week, so I'll stay around now as much as I can." She whispered conspiratorially to Harry, "I've got to help you learn a Perimeter Charm-- I heard you already had wand drawing?" She nudged him as he smiled, "Heard you got old Moody with his own spell!"
Hermione made to head out the room before Tonks called out to her, "Wait! Are these rooms safe for inhabitation now?" She had run out to the hall and gestured across the hall from the drawing room to the bedrooms that Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had used previously.
Hermione stopped and answered, "Yes, I noticed Winky must have already scrubbed them clean and even dressed the beds."
Harry saw Tonks shrug and pick a room and go in. He turned and saw Hermione heading to go back upstairs and he ran and caught up to her. "You're not ticked at me, are you?"
She bustled ahead of him and started up the stairs, "Nope."
"Really? Cuz you're acting just like you do when Ron has gone off and said or done something daft."
She kept walking and mumbled something about, "...always being daft…"
Harry had to speed up to keep up with her and she topped the stairs and strode off down the hall. "Hermione! What-- what is it? What's wrong?"
She stopped and turned around and had her head tilted slightly to the side as she considered Harry. "Ron's never noticed that I've been cross with him."
"Well, no, he wouldn't, it such a common occurrence, really." Harry took a step towards her and held out his hands apologetically, "I wasn't trying to rush you or nettle you about beginning to apparate. I was just…bored." He took another step forward, "I just was cheesed off with hearing about it and would rather, do something, you know?"
Hermione's face softened and she smiled forgivingly, "I know. But, since you're the one who wants to do this tomorrow, you're going to be revising notes with me tonight after dinner. And I want to hear all about everything else you've been learning."
She stopped outside the door just before the one to Harry's new room and Harry inquired, "Why are you staying up here now?"
"Oh, when we were working in the training hall to clear away the remaining bits of walls and such, plaster was falling from the ceilings of the rooms below. So I've been staying up here." Her eyes flickered over just a few feet to the door to Harry's room. "Is that okay?"
Harry looked at his door and then back again. "Oh, yeah. Sure." He backed away but stopped, "So, when is dinner? I mean, is there a time now, or…?"
Hermione, he wasn't sure when she had lost any, but, seemed to gain some composure and said, "Well, you can go to the kitchen anytime. We've all still been eating down there. I like to visit with Dobby and Winky and Remus eats there, too. We've usually been going about seven. I'll make sure not to forget you." She smiled and turned into her room and left Harry standing alone in the hall.
Harry walked into his room (his!!) and shut the door behind him. The simple solace of being alone offered him a sense of relief that he hadn't known he was craving. He had spent several hours today in the presence of Lupin, Tonks and Hermione, and even Dumbledore for most of the morning. Harry had been accustomed to only spending a few hours a day socializing (training, really) with people before returning to be the invisible resident of Number Four.
It wasn't that he disliked the people around him, not at all. They were some of his favorite people and there was a casual ease with which Lupin, Tonks, Hermione and himself all got along. Unfortunately, it was this casualness and ease of everyone around him that sometimes would suddenly cause him to feel irritable. If his mind happened to wander into a memory of Sirius and a moment of grief, or perhaps, if he fell into a mental fit of spite towards fate and the prophecy that haunted him, then he would suddenly feel irritated and resentful at the casual way they all seemed to be going on with their lives. He knew it was just plain stupid and that they were not to blame and that, in fact, Lupin was mourning Sirius just as much, if not more, than Harry. Lupin just always appeared to be on an even keel. Tonks, he couldn't blame her; she was always chipper. Hermione, well, she did seem to sense these changes in Harry's mood but her solution was to try to be more cheerful and just smile sympathetically at him. He knew she meant well, but it really wasn't helping much.
He didn't want to cheer up. He didn't want to forget. He couldn't forget: he knew he had to remember and to keep himself motivated. But what he really wanted was to feel. He couldn't explain it, nor understand it, but he felt *it* inside of him, reaching and stretching to fill him up -- to consume him and to envelope him. It was just a feeling, a want. He didn't understand it at all. All he knew now, he was glad to be alone.
Harry walked around his room, looking over the many books on the different shelves and seeing the desk on the other side of the bad that was stocked with parchment, quills and ink and his own Gryffindor wax seal. Harry paused when he looked out the window over the desk; it was a breathtakingly beautiful view of the countryside and it most definitely did not belong outside his window in the middle of London. The window on the other side of the wardrobe, on the same wall, held the same view. He walked over to the windows on the wall with the fireplace; both of these had views of the street below: Grimmauld Place.
Well, now that he thought about it, he did recall Numbers 11 and 13 being directly on either side of Number 12. It must be magic. Enchanted, most likely. He had never really thought about it last summer, but it made sense. Harry walked over and sat on the small sofa by the fireplace, but stretched out so he could look over the back of the sofa, and out at the enchanted view. It was really a spectacular sight, in fact he could feel it calming him and soothing him, rather like the voices he still heard made him feel.
The voices were still with him, always whispering whenever he would listen to see if there were there. They whispered in his ear each night as he would drift off to sleep, they would guide him through dreamless nights, safe within an comforting cocoon, and they could be heard, even now, as he sat alone, gazing out the enchanted window.
He wasn't sure when he had drifted off to sleep but he was sure awake when he heard pounding on his door and Hermione calling him for dinner. Dinner was an uneventful affair.
Afterwards, Hermione made Harry bring out into the drawing room, all the books Dumbledore had lent him, so that she could look at them. Harry was showing her some of the better things he had picked up from the books and had had to remind her that she had wanted to go over apparition notes yet that night. As she pulled out and perused her several rolls of notes on the subject, Harry began to wonder if he really was ready to try apparition the next day.
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Author's note: My inspiration for the view out Harry's window can be viewed on the website on my bio profile. I have a Yahoo group, HP_AoF, where I also post my chapters and if you join the group and view the "Photos" file, you can see the photograph of the view.