Disclaimer: I only own the plot.
A/N: Story takes place in Marauders 7th year. Sinistra/Snape, Sinistra/Remus. The story came to me while thinking about what's wrong with my relationship and while reading an astrology book. Story takes place in the Marauder era
Summary: Severus has only one thing in his life that he trusts and that is his relationship with Sinistra, but if he would only let her know how he feels, she wouldn't spend so much time with Remus Lupin.
Love Is Complicated
Severus Snape had known Samantha Sinistra since they where first years. Granted they got off to a very rocky start, but somehow she had managed to befriend. Somehow she had managed to make her way into his life and make herself a secure spot in his heart. She had managed to be so deep within him that he absolutely needed to be with her. Without her he felt that he would die. She was like oxygen to his lungs, blood to his heart, and knowledge to his mind. She was his absolute everything. He loved her with every fiber of his being, but he would be damned if her let her know that.
He felt that if he allowed her to know what he felt for her that she would begin to take advantage of him. That she would see that he would do absolutely anything for her and that she would take advantage of the power that her love had over him. And for that reason he was cold to her. He kept all emotions locked inside. He treated her as if she was nothing to him. For the first year of their relationship it had seemed to work just fine. But this year, he noted a change in her.
They started dating when they where sixth years. The relationship had started out just fine. She had tried to show her affection towards him by holding him and doing things of the sort but he pushed her off. Even though he craved her touch and warmth he did not want her to know that. He wanted her to be in the complete darkness about how he felt for her. With the signals that he sent, she came to notice that he did not like to be quite so affectionate. She seemed to respect the fact that he did not want her to show affection for him and she respected the fact that he could not show affection for her. She continued to be there for him, they studied together, talked, walked around together did those things. He thought that it was just fine and she seemed to enjoy herself as well.
However, this year, she always seemed to be busy. She began to spend more and more time with Remus Lupin and he began to worry about him. He had of course known that Lupin and Samantha where friends since the first day of school in their first year, but he had never felt that there was reason to worry. After all, whenever he had gone up to her, she had left Lupin for him. If she had plans with Lupin to do something, she would break them for him, but this year, this year was different. Now when she made plans with Lupin she kept them no matter what. She would even break plans that she had made with him, to be with Lupin.
This new trend in things where beginning to worry him. Whenever he saw them together they seemed to enjoying themselves far too much. He was getting bloody sick of seeing them laughing and talking so gaudily all the time. He felt pangs of jealousy when he saw them walking down the hall together, when he saw them studying together, when he saw them period. Before it did not bother him, but before they had not seemed to look at each other the way they did now.
Severus sighed and shook his head as he lay in bed staring off into space. He hated when his head did this, he hated to think about this every waking moment of the day. He found himself wondering whether or not she was with Lupin and if they where together what the hell where they doing. His mind always seemed to wander to her and to the image of her with Lupin. The way she smiled so splendidly while with him. The beautiful sound of her laughter as she laughed at something he said. The way she would let her black hair loose from it's tight bun. They way it was long, wavy and shiny. Her pale skin, black eyes, pink lips all of her features they where constantly on his mind.
He knew that he loved her and that this was the reason that he always thought of her. He knew that he loved her and that was the reason that he was angry and jealous. He knew that Samantha would not do something to betray him because she was goodhearted. She was a very kind and caring person. She understood him the way no one else could. She loved him the way no one else ever would. She was smart, witty, calm, and happy person. She was everything he desired and he would not want to think of her any other way. She loved him; she had told him many times and had tried to show him many times. He felt her incapable of hurting him on purpose.
He loved many things about her. He wanted to tell her so, but he was simply too craven to do so. He loved her with all his heart, but because of his heart he could not find the courage to tell her so. He did not want to injure his own heart. He unconsciously seemed to push her away every time that she tried to be amorous with him. It was like an instinct for him. Like if she came near his instinct was to back away. He had come to notice that as of recently she had not so much as tried to be within three feet distance of him.
"Severus what are you doing?" he heard a male voice say. He looked up to see a blonde boy walking over to his bed and plop down on it. His bed was next to his and he could see the boy very clearly with the sunlight that was shinning into the room. The boy was currently staring at him with an icy gray gaze.
"Nothing Lucius," he said as he turned to stare back up at the ceiling. He did not want to get up and he did not wish to be disturbed. He had come to his dorm after classes and decided to lie down. He did not want to be walking about the castle and he did not wish to go outside. He just wanted to be alone. He wanted to be able to think out his problems.
"Why are you in here on such a beautiful day Severus, you should go out and get some fresh air. It will do you some good. Or at least much better than the air in the moldy library and dungeons," he said from where he lay on his bed. Severus closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. Lucius Malfoy undoubtedly was the only Slytherin male that really pestered him. All the other Slytherins seemed to understand that they should leave him the hell alone.
"What is it that you want Lucius?" Severus asked as he sat up and turned to look at Lucius. Lucius raised a brow and smirked at him.
"I need you to vacate the room for a while, you understand," he said as he looked at him. Severus rolled his eyes and stood up. He glared down at Lucius before leaving the room. As he walked down the stairs he found a sixth year Slytherin girl standing at the bottom of the stairs. Severus hated when Lucius did this. He seemed to think that the damn dorm belonged to him so that he could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. He sometimes wished that Narcissa Black would permanently put his arse in the hospital wing.
He walked through the common room and made his way out. He soon walked through the halls and made his way to the library. He walked into the library and walked over to one of the isles. He fingered the spines of many books trying to decide which book that he yet had to read to pick. Many of the books in this section he had already read, but there where still some that he wanted to read.
"OUCH!" he heard a familiar, female voice exclaim. He looked at the bookcase and realized who must be on the other side of it. He walked around the bookcase and soon spotted Samantha, but she wasn't alone. Once more she was in the company of none other than Remus Lupin.
"Are you all right?" Lupin asked. Samantha was looking at her finger, which seemed to be bleeding. Lupin was standing before her. He reached out and held her hand gently in his as he inspected her finger. He noted that neither of them took notice of him standing there and he felt slightly vexed. What vexed him more was the fact that he was touching her hand!
"Yes I'm fine, it just hurt a little," she responded as she looked up at him. Her black eyes clashed with his amber eyes and smiled faintly at him. There was a sparkle in her eyes that Severus had not seen in a very long time. He watched as Remus turned slightly pink and looked back down at her hand, which he was still holding. Remus bent down and kissed the tip of her finger and looked back up at her.
"You'll be just fine," he said as he looked at her with a smile. Severus didn't like the damn sparkle that they both had in their eyes as they looked at each other. And he felt as if he was boiling. He didn't know where Lupin had gotten the audacity to kiss his girlfriend!
"Eh hem," he said as he cleared his throat. Samantha immediately snatched her hand out of Remus' grasp and Remus put his hands on his side. They both turned to look at him and both offered him small smiles.
"Hi Severus," Samantha said as she walked over to him and placed a kiss on his cheek. He merely stood there and turned his eyes to see Remus look down at his feet as Samantha kissed him on the cheek. Remus suddenly found the floor very interesting to study. Severus soon turned his attention to Samantha who stepped back and was looking at him in the eyes. She smiled faintly at him. "Where have you been all day, I haven't seen you at all," she said as she looked into his eyes. He turned his gaze at her and he knew that he looked cold and indifferent at the moment.
"Perhaps if you didn't waste all your time on the Griffindor you might actually see me," he said in a cold, harsh tone as he sent a glare in Remus' direction. Remus soon turned pink and turned to look out the window. He ran a hand through his brown hair and soon turned back to look at them.
"I will talk to you later Samantha," he said as he walked over to Samantha and gave her a piece of parchment. She took the parchment in her hands. Samantha merely nodded as Remus swiftly walked away. Severus watched Remus as he walked out and soon turned his attention back to Samantha. He glared down at her.
"Why do you insist on wasting so much of your time with him. You honestly spend more time with him than you spend with me," he said to her angrily.
"That isn't fair Severus! How do you expect me to spend time with you if you spend all your time locked in Slytherin," she said as she looked into his eyes. "And besides I don't know what your problem is with him. You know that Remus is my friend and you have always known that. I don't know why you are having a problem with that now."
"Because it is so clear and evident that he likes you as more than a friend and I'll be damned to trust a bloody Griffindor," he said coldly.
"But you should trust me!" she said as she looked into his eyes.
"Should I really? When you spend more time with him than you spend with me? When you shamelessly flirt with him? Why should I trust you?" he asked as he looked down at her.
"I unfortunately love you Severus. That is why you should trust me!" she said angrily as she looked into his eyes. He looked down at her in the same manner and she sighed in exasperation. "Why do I even bother with you Severus? You couldn't possibly care less whether I love you or not. Why the hell are you with me Severus? If you do not trust me Severus than why the hell do you stay with me?" He once more merely stared at her and did not say anything. He clenched his teeth so as to hold back his tongue. He was not going to tell her. "Ugh!" she said as she walked past him and marched furiously out of the library.
He ran a hand through his hair and wondered what the hell he was supposed to do. He felt very confused on whether or not he should follow her and talk to her or whether to let her anger blow over. He felt that if he talked to her right now she would merely yell at him and not let him say anything. It would perhaps just be a very big fight. He did not want to make a scene, for he was in fact a very private person. His personal life had to be just that, personal. And what's more he found himself wondering what the hell Remus had given Samantha. He wondered why the hell he had not inquired as to what it was.
He grunted and turned on his heel. He walked out of the library and made his way through the castle. For the following hours he walked around aimlessly. There where many things that where running through his head and he could not pick one to think of. It was like there where millions of little thoughts that ran through his head making him become confused and frustrated. He could not think on one sole thing alone because that would lead to another thought that would lead to another and than to another. He could not think of something long enough to come to a resolution about it. He didn't even know if there was a solution to his problem.
He walked around for hours and he soon noted that it was dark out. The halls where dimly lit and there wasn't much that he could see. He walked down the hall and when he reached the end of it he could see the outline of somebody waking his or her way down the corridor and towards the Astronomy tower. His curiosity got the better of him and he soon found himself walking towards the Astronomy tower and up the stairs to the top of the tallest tower in Hogwarts. When he reached the door he found that it stood slightly ajar and he peaked in through the door.
"You wanted to meet me here Remus?" he heard a female voice say. He could see her silhouette in the light of the stars and the half moon. He could see Remus standing across from her and he seemed to be standing there clenching his own hands. He wondered what the hell he was up to. He assumed this is what the note was about.
"Yes, well I wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my wind for a very long time," he said and paused. Severus narrowed his eyes in the general direction of the bloody Griffindor. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fist. "Samantha I'm sure that by now that you have noticed that I'm really fond of you and I like you as much more than just a friend," he said in a rush. Severus caught every single word as if Remus had been saying it in slow motion and he was sure that Samantha had as well.
"Remus I've grown very fond as you as well," she stated which caused him to flinch. "But I love Severus. Despite the fact that Severus really doesn't care about me, I love him and I couldn't bear to hurt him. I'm really sorry if I hurt you Remus, it wasn't my intention to, but I can't be with you. I'm still with Severus ad I have faith that maybe he will change a little. Show some affection towards me."
"Samantha I don't really know Severus, but he's not going to love you they way you want. He will never love you the way that I do," he heard Remus say. Once more Severus narrowed his eyes at the sandy haired Griffindor and glared. He watched as Remus took shy steps towards her. He placed a very gentle and tentative kiss on her lips and stepped back. "I'll see you around Samantha," he said as he turned away and stared heading in the direction of the door. Severus hid in a corner in the dark shadows ad watched as Remus walked past him and made his way town the stairs. Severus looked into the Astronomy room and found that she was standing there looking up at the skies. He wondered if perhaps it was time to tell Samantha the truth.
He cautiously, slowly and very quietly walked over to her. He stood behind her for a couple of seconds still wondering if he was doing the right thing. He sighed and finally decided that it was time to tell her the truth. He lightly tapped her on the shoulder, which caused her to jump, "Severus1 You frightened me!" she exclaimed as she looked at him. He smiled at her and looked into her black eyes. They where sparkling and the light the heavens cast on her made her glow. She looked absolutely lovely.
"You look lovely tonight," he said as he looked at her. She still had her hair in a tight bun. He watched her as if she entranced him and he knew that this took her aback. She merely stood there staring at him. He reached up and undid her bun, letting her hair cascade down her back. It was truly lovely; he loved her raven black, silky hair. He stared at her for a moment longer, admiring her beauty and smiled at her. "Samantha I've been walking around Hogwarts all day long and I've decided that it's time to tell you what is in my heart. I love you Samantha, I always have. I've just been too frightened to tell you so. I love you with every fiber of my being and I don't know what I would do without you. I trust you more than you can imagine and you will never know the full extent that your presence does to me. And you will never know the amount of damage you absence does to me. I love everything about you and there is nothing that I would change, and I wanted to let you know."
She looked at him with teary eyes as a large smile slipped across her face. She through her arms around him and hugged him for dear life and he froze. She soon pulled away "I'm sorry I know that you don't like physical-"he raised his hand to silence her and smiled at her.
"That's going to change, I never wanted to admit this, but I need you warmth and affection more than you could imagine," he said as he looked at her. She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her thin waist and placed a sweet kiss on her lips. He could stay in this moment forever and he wanted to.
THE ENDA/N: PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW! Please? Pretty Please?