Chapter Two – The Good, The Bad and The Cynical?

Forty minutes later, I sat at the table and stared round in disbelief. What had just happened? Ok, I knew I loved Steve, I realised that at Bobby Vine and Bitsy Von Muffling's Hampton Wedding a fortnight ago. That was around the time that Steve and I last had sex. It wasn't planned, it was just one of those things. Maybe I knew then? Maybe that's why I went to that charade of a wedding, to run away from my feelings, but I couldn't stay away forever, and it felt like they just bit me on the ass.

I looked around. The discarded take out. The newspaper tossed on the end of the sofa next to the remote controls. The bear with the New York Knicks sweater. There were traces of Steve everywhere.

I had to pull myself together. I began to tidy up and stopped. I didn't want to remove the stuff he'd left. Why did I have to pick that fight? But what could I do? Scream after him as he left "I'm only screaming at you because I love you!" How fucked up would that be?!

Maybe the question should be how fucked up am I? I sighed to myself as walked slowly to the kitchen and threw the cold food into the trash. This could be it. The beginning of the end. The end to dating that is, which can't be a bad thing. Being a single mom was hard but not half as hard as dating when you're a single mom; a 37 year old old single mom with a career at that.

I looked at the photos that Magda had stuck on the refrigerator door. There staring back of me were a dozen or so pictures of my beautiful little boy, our beautiful little boy. 18 months ago I would never have believed that I would want to be a mother let alone have a baby. It was unthinkable. As was falling in love but here I was, in love with Steve and not doing anything about it.

I tutted to myself and shook myself "Pull yourself together" I muttered under my breath to myself

There was no way I could fall in love again, look what happened last time. I had my heart broken so bad.... and became the way I am today - cynical. Cynical?! Boy, is that an understatement! I sighed again and went to sit in the living room, next to Steve's discarded New York Times. I couldn't really blame my cynicism on one relationship or one heartbreak; it was a combination of many crappy relationships.

All the same, I thought, do I really wanna risk it all on Steve? It didn't work out before, why would it work out this time. I stopped myself and said out loud "It's not him, it's me!"

Steve isn't the bad guy, he never was. It's me; I'm the bad guy. It's my fault we ever broke up in the first place.

Frustrated with my own thoughts and feelings, I grabbed for the phone ready to call Carrie but before I could hit the speed dial, I stopped. I didn't know what to say. And anyway I guessed what she would say, because I knew in my own mind. I was being irrational about the whole breaking up before thing. At that point in my life, things were different. There was no stability, no Brady, no progress at work (I made partner at work the day Steve moved out). Things have changed since then, and those things in turn have changed me. Time changes things.

I put the phone down and recommenced tidying my emotion-riddled apartment. Consciously telling myself that if I moved all the stuff that reminded me of Steve, I could put tonight to the back of my mind. But already at the back of my mind, I knew there was no way I could get this out of my head now. I tidied frantically.

Before I headed for bed, I checked on Brady. As I watched him sleep, I felt a huge jolt of emotions; love, unconditional love, not just for him, but also for his daddy. I smiled momentarily then I rolled my eyes at myself.

Confused and exhausted with all the thoughts in my mind. Climbing into bed I whispered to myself, "Sleep on it, it'll be better in the morning." I switched off the lights but not the thoughts in my head. I had a restless, dreamless night. Gone were the days when I could just blank out my feelings.