Chapter Forty-Nine
"No Lindsey, dear, I haven't heard from him at all for the past week," Mrs. Mochiles said. I sighed into the phone, pacing back and forth in front of my window...the window.
"Are you sure you don't know where he might have gone?" she asked. The same question she had been asking Ivy and I about ten times a day for the past seven days. Of course I answered, no, I didn't know. It was sort of trade-off we had invented: I asked if she had heard from him, and she asked if I had any clue where he might be. Unfortunately, neither of us had any news since the day he left.
"Keep me posted," I said before hanging up and flopping down on my bed, my safe haven since that fateful day we Ivy and I had come back from the trail ride. Mom and Dad knew what was going on, but they just kept saying he was being a 'typical teenager' and would come back soon. I wanted to smack them for saying that. Steve isn't 'typical', in any sense at all.
Of course, they didn't know why he was gone.
I sighed into my pillow, my hair spilling over my shoulders. Why would Steve just leave like that? He wasn't the type of person to just run away from his problems—he always confronted everything. Like, oh say, when he realized he was 'in love' with me. Did he just sit there, letting it waste him away? Noooooo, he admitted himself and smooched me like he had never smooched anyone before. He was always upfront about everything, which was probably why he had about a girlfriend a week when we were younger.
Was Ivy right? Duh, stupid question. Of course Ivy was right. She was always right. She was completely correct in saying Steve couldn't handle the fact that I was currently pregnant with his rival's—who was dead—child. He had narrowly escaped death only the month before—of course this was too much for him. After all, hadn't his kiss protected us from some attack of Anthony's? If that wasn't love, well, what was?
I sat up in my bed, pulling the wrinkled covers up to my chin. I really needed to get a catering service up here—either that, or a refrigerator installed, because I really didn't want to leave my room—I hadn't for practically all week—and I had the biggest craving for a giant soft pretzel covered in triple-fudge ice cream.
I looked down at my stomach. "Darn you," I growled. To take my mind off of my weird cravings, I flipped on the TV, staring mindlessly at a soap that was playing. Two girls were talking, the camera switching between them each time one of them said a line.
"Why don't you just tell him already??"
"Because."
"Because...that's not a reason."
"Because I'm afraid of rejection, okay?"
"He's not going to reject you."
"How do you know that; yes he is."
"No...he's not."
"And besides, there's this whole...issue. And I'd rather not say anything; just be distant from everyone for awhile."
"That's not going to get you what you want."
"How do you know what I want??!"
"I don't. Do you?"
"No, not really."
"Thought so."
"I have an idea of what I want, but I've never had it, so I'd like to see what it's like first."
"Oh really, and what would that be?"
"Mutual feelings."
"I see."
"I want to take care of someone...and not worry about how stupid or inferior or shallow I look around them."
"But you are neither of the above. Why would you feel that way around anyone?"
"Because no one goes out of their way to make me feel comfortable." A pause. "Mutual feelings. I just want mutual feelings."
My eyes were wide. Mutual feelings...
Why, I wasn't looking at the big picture! I just kept seeing all the little things that didn't matter...Steve wanted mutual feelings. He just needed some security in his life; something to know that I wasn't going to go away. All he wanted was for me to love him back.
I gingerly touched the key that still hung around my neck. And now...I couldn't even do that.
But still...even if he wasn't my 'heart's desire', Steve still meant the world to me. He was the friend who could make me laugh even when I was at an all-time low, he was the guy who protected me even it meant sacrificing something himself, he was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He never purposely hurt my feelings making fun of voice and whatever ridiculous outfit I was wearing that day. We could go anywhere together and still manage to make the best of whatever was thrown at us.
My eyes widened some more, and I suddenly I knew—I knew where Steve was. Where he was hiding, waiting...just waiting for my mutual feelings to show.
I jumped up and suddenly started scrambling around, throwing random clothes and things into the first bag I found in my closet. I made sure to pack one special outfit, though: a blue one-shoulder top, black pants, black boots, and the cross belt. My karaoke outfit.
Someone was going to be singing tonight.
Once everything was stuffed into the bag, and I had managed to zip it closed, I ran for the phone and punched in Ivy's number, knowing full well that she wasn't home. After the answering machine went off, I put on my best cheerful-sounding voice and spoke to the machine:
"Hey Ivy, it's Lindsey—listen, can you keep calling my number, and if I'm not back in two days, send someone after me? I'll probably be in Goldenrod City. See ya."
I hung up and slung the bag over my shoulder, noticing Kit Teleport in from wherever he had been. Outside in the barn, probably.
"You're in charge while I'm gone," I said, giving a half-smile.
"Essssspeon."
LTPThe bus ride to Goldenrod was shorter than I expected, for some reason. When the bus pulled into the Pokemon Center parking lot, it was nightfall. Perfect.
I dashed into the Center and told the Nurse Joy at the receptionist desk I'd be using a room that night. She promptly showed to me to an empty single. Once she left, I quickly changed into my karaoke outfit, noticing that it was really stretching out in the chest area. Well, that was to be expected, wasn't it?
After fastening the belt around my waist, I proudly stomped out of the center, the rhinestones glittering and my hair flowing behind me. Everyone just sort of looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't care. What I was about do—now that was crazy.
After following the crowds for awhile, I finally found the place: the huge karaoke joint Steve had taken Ivy and I to just a few weeks ago. The place was packed, and I couldn't pick out a single familiar face in the sea of people.
I didn't care, though. If he was here, like I thought, he'd hear me just fine.
The place was so mobbed, I actually had to get a number to sing. I glanced down at the scrap of paper I was handed. Seventy-four.
"Forty-two!" the person handling the CD's called.
I groaned and made my way to the bathrooms. It was going to be a long night, and I could feel the taco I had eaten on the bus start to come back up.
LTPAfter what seemed like forever, it was finally one more until it was my turn. I went to the CD handler, telling him my choice of song. He flipped through them, selecting the right disc, and gave me a thumbs up as the audience whooped and cheered for the person who had just gone.
This is it, Tamer. Now or never.
I clunked up to the stage in my boots, sitting on a stool that was off in the corner. No need for dancing and shaking booty to my song.
I faintly nodded at the audience, who had shut up considerably, murmuring to themselves and wondering if I was any good or not. I couldn't place anyone at all—there were lights in my eyes, and screens everywhere that would broadcast me and the lyrics to my song all over the bar.
Don't think, Tamer. Just sing.
The music started, and some people groaned, hearing that it was pretty much a slow song—you couldn't really dance to it, and yet it wasn't all that sappy. Well, to them anyway.
After a few chords of music, the words on the screen lit up, indicating me to sing. I blasted my voice into the mic, trying to put my whole self into the words:
"When I think about the first time,
I thought I found someone who cared for me.
Things were not as they appeared to be.
"Wasn't that the truth. Very involuntarily, my thoughts drifted to Darrell. How much had he really cared about me? Was he just using me? We never did say those three words to each other—then again, we didn't really need to.
Shut up, self. Don't think about him. Just sing.
"Rainy day man,
On your shoulder I cried,
When my first brush with love,
Left me shaking inside.
Rainy day man.
"Ever since I can remember,
Just like a brother you've been strong and true.
Always been the one to see me through."
Mist was forming in my eyes. I was threatening myself to just jump of the stage right now, in the middle of the song, and bawl my eyes out. Because it was all too true. I swear, whoever wrote those lyrics wrote them about Steve and I...he was just like my brother, only more. I had to go, had to cry...
No...I couldn't. C'mon, just a few more lines. I was almost home free.
"Rainy day man
You're much more than a friend.
I would give anything
Just to see you again.
Rainy day man,
Rainy day...man"
The audience clapped politely, and I held back tears. Oh man...what wouldn't I give to see Steve again. He had only been gone a week, but it felt like an eternity. I absolutely wouldn't be able to bear it if he...didn't come back.
I shook my head. No. He was out there. He was, and I knew damn well it was true. And he was going to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do about what had been installed in me since before I was even born.
As I slowly walked off the stage, I caught sight of the entrance of the place—the door opened a fraction of a inch, letting a tiny stream of light out, and someone stepped out of the shadows of the bar and outside.
I gasped, suddenly feeling clumsy running through the mobs of people in my clunky boots. The next person was starting to sing, something strong and fast paced, so everyone was dancing, making it harder for me to get out of there.
Had to go, had to get out, he's out there, he's out there—
Finally, I yanked open the door and ran out of that place, away from the yelling, the bass-pumping music, and the horrible singer that was belting out a tune. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the sudden darkness—though there were streetlights and stuff on (Goldenrod is a big city, after all). After another minute, I found someone quickly shuffling down the sidewalk, as if they wanted to just get away from it all.
"STEVE!"
He stopped. I didn't move, in case it might jinx it, or something. A brew flew by, ruffling my hair against my cheek, and I realized I was clasping my hands together so tightly, I wouldn't be surprised if I broke those bones.
"Steve," I whispered, so lowly that even I barely heard it. We stood there like that for what seemed like an eternity. The wind had stopped, and I couldn't even hear the people clubbing the karaoke bar anymore. Suddenly, Goldenrod didn't seem like such a big city. Everything had just sort of...stopped. All I could do was stand there, try not to break my hand bones, and hope that Steve would answer me.
When he finally spun around, all I could find was a mixed emotion in his unblinking eyes—something I truly couldn't identify. I let me hands fall to my sides and just stared, trying to think of something—anything—I could say.
He beat me to it. "What are you doing out here, stupid? You're gonna catch pneumonia or something in that outfit."
No matter what, he was still the same old Steve.
I was cold, but I wasn't going to let him know that. "Is that all you have to say? You just freaking up and left, like I meant nothing to you! And I happen to know—"
"Wow, you really are an idiot," he hissed, shaking his head. "Nothing? Nothing? How the hell could you ever mean nothing to me?!"
"You sure acted like it was true," I retorted, getting really pissed now. I crossed my arms, not facing him. "Damn it, Steve! Everyone was worried about you, taking off like that! No calls or anything for a week—what did you think you were playing at?!"
"Oh yeah?! What about Darrell?" I flinched, but he didn't seem to notice. "He kept going off on those 'journeys' or whatever for months at a time, but did you care? Noooooo, of course not. You just walked around, complaining that you hadn't seen him in 'suuuuuuch a long tiiiiiiiiime' and didn't even bother trying to find out where he was! But, oh, I go away for a freaking week and you get all uptight about it!"
"That's because I didn't know anything about Darrell! Like I had a freaking clue where he went all those times or something! But Steve, I know practically everything about you, and I care a lot about you, so how could I not worry?!" I glanced over at him, wanting to punch his lights out. Or something equally threatening. To my surprise, he was looking at me, shaking his head. I uncrossed my arms.
"You think you know everything about me?" He snorted. "Okay, you know a lot. I'll give you that. If I could pick anyone to reveal embarrassing secrets about me, it would be you...but Lindsey..." He sighed. "You have no idea what I've been going through for the past year or so! God, ever since you moved that first time, I've been going crazy and you had no clue! No freaking clue!"
"I did have some idea, mind you," I growled. "Remember, oh, that day in my room? 'Hi Lindsey, let me pour my heart out to you while you've basically given your heart to the only guy you're ever allowed to love!' Yes, Steve, I did have somewhat of a clue of what you were going through!"
"Well you—" he paused. "Wait a minute. What?"
"What?"
"What you just said."
"What, 'what'?"
"No, the other thing."
"What the heck are you talking about?"
He rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "What you said before, about the 'only guy you're ever allowed to love'? What the hell is that all about?"
My stomach sank. Or maybe that was my heart. I honestly couldn't tell.
I turned to the side, not looking at him. "Steve...there's something I didn't tell you back in the Den." I took a deep breath and started twirling my hair around my fingers, a nervous habit. This was it. This was the moment I told him that no matter how much anyone wished it, or whatever else could happen, he could never be more than a friend.
I began chewing on my hair, despite the fact that it causes split ends—but who cared? "Steve..." I said again. Ugh. I had just told this to Ivy a week ago...why was it so much harder to tell Steve?
I could feel him staring at me. "Why do you keep saying my name like that?"
"I'm not," I protested, but I knew darn well I was speaking in a sort of hushed and 'forgive me' tone. He sighed, the sound mixing in with a sudden breeze that blew by.
"Lindsey...tell me what you have to tell me," he demanded, shoving his hands in his pockets.
I bit my lip, deciding just to finally blurt it out, like quickly ripping off a band-aid. "There's this stupid Dragon Law thingymabob, and apparently a Tamer is 'bound to her heart's first desire' and mine was Darrell I guess, and they just fall in love to get an heir to the Den and apparently I've got my heir so it didn't matter that I had to kill him and—"
I stopped talking when I realized tears were pouring down my cheeks—and that Steve had grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, forcing me to face him.
I looked up, and to my surprise, he looked like he was holding back laughter. I narrowed my eyes, and he gave a lopsided smile. "I'm sorry, but you were talking so fast and it was all just a huge run-on sentence..."
I shook myself from his hold. "But you got what I said, didn't you?" I didn't bother to wipe my eyes.
He immediately pushed away any amusement. "Yeah." He sighed heavily, staring at the ground and scuffing his sneaker, like he didn't know what to say next. "Was that song for me?" I blinked, and he looked up. "Back at the karaoke joint."
"Oh," I said, remembering. Duh. I just sang it, what, a half an hour ago? "Yeah. I thought you might be here...so I..."
"That's all I can ever be to you, huh?" he asked, looking back down at the ground. "Just a friend. No matter how much I wish it, it can never be anything else."
"Steve..." I was heartbroken. Given the chance, I probably could have maybe someday fallen for Steve they way he had fallen for me...but no. Destiny was too cruel—my only love was gone forever, and he was all I was allowed.
"No," I said. "Steve—you're not just a friend to me, and you never have been." He looked up, his bangs hanging in front of the saddest eyes I have ever seen. "Didn't you hear that song? You're a like a brother to me. You're my best friend—geez, you're practically my other half or something! No, because of that stupid goddamn Law, I can't fall in love with you, but it says nothing about best friends—and damn it all." Tears were pouring down my cheeks again. "I love you, Steve." I wiped my nose, trying to act proud. "There, I said it. I love you, and I can't live without you."
He was trying not to smile. "It's just too bad it's not in the way I hoped."
I resisted the urge to find something and throw it at him. "Shut up. It's not my fault."
He became serious again. "Yeah, I know." Taking small, nervous steps, he walked up to me and placed shaking hands on my shoulders. He sighed a little, gazing at me. "It's my fault. People aren't supposed to fall for their best friends."
"Who says?"
He shrugged. "Dunno. Rules of society or something." He squeezed my shoulders a bit.
"Rules of society? You've been hanging out here too long. Goldenrod's getting to your head. Or maybe it's all the graffiti. You've been snorting it up or something?"
"Quit joking around."
"I'm not, dude."
He narrowed his eyes. "You're an idiot."
"Tell me something I don't know."
He slipped his hands off my shoulders and laced his fingers with my own. I didn't object...yet. If he tried anything else, I'd probably have to kick his ass.
"So," I started. "What are you doing now? Staying here?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "How can I? You came for me, apparently. I can't forget something like that."
I felt my face heat up. Damn hormones. "Yeah..."
"How long have you known?"
"Huh?"
"About..." He looked down at my stomach and back up at my face. Oh...the baby. Duh.
I shrugged. "Since the whole thing in the Den...right before I..."
"Oh," he said quickly, thankfully not wanting to me relive the moment again. "So, um, what do your parents think of it?"
I sighed. "They're hardly talking to me at all. The just drove me to one appointment or whatever to confirm it, and I've haven't really associated with them since. Mom told me when I first met Darrell that I shouldn't automatically give my heart to 'someone like that'..." I laughed pathetically. "I guess she was right. Now they're both mad at me for having this kid when I really supposed to."
Steve squeezed one of my hands. "I'm sorry, but I can't pretend that I don't agree with her...but that's just me being selfish," he added when he saw my death glare. "But they're just letting you go about like nothing's happening? That's stupid...don't you have to go to like a million doctors appointments or something?"
"I guess."
"Guess you better set some up...looks like I'm going to have to be your chauffer," he pretend-complained, rolling his eyes good-naturedly.
I smiled. "Thank you...for everything. Seriously...Darrell's got nothing on you. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like you in their life."
"You're just saying that."
"I am not!" I stuck my tongue out at him. "I'm just telling it like it is."
"Yeah, yeah, if you say so," he replied, but I could tell he was getting flustered. It may have been a dark night on a sidewalk with hardly any streetlights, and a cold breeze flowing every now and then, but I still felt warm inside.
"Where have you been staying?" I asked. He looked up, startled at the change of subject, but shrugged anyway.
"This one hotel," he answered.
I raised my eyebrows. "You have money?"
He snorted. "Well, you know, they don't let broke people into hotels...but technically, if you hide out in their basement, that'd be in the hotel, right?"
I gave him a weird look. "What didn't you just go to the Pokemon Center and get a room?"
He blinked. "I thought you had to be a trainer to get a room there."
I shook my head, my shoulders shaking from holding in laughter. "No, you idiot! They give free rooms to people. You just need to walk up to that perky ol' Nurse Joy and ask."
Silence. And then, of course, we both started cracking up.
"C'mon. Get your stuff and drive us back," I said once we had some control of our laughter. "Everybody's worried about you, and Ivy has no clue why I'm even here."
He frowned. "What about your parents?"
I rolled my eyes. "Honestly, they could care less right now. I don't even know if they know I'm not there. Hopefully they've figured it out by now."
He sighed, squeezing my hands again and bringing them up a bit. "You don't need them."
"They're my parents, of course I—"
"You don't really," he interrupted. "Because no matter what, you've always got me."
I swallowed a giant lump that had appeared in my throat. "And you're right...you're all I need.
"Now and always."
He managed a small smile, something I knew that he wanted to feel, but it was incredibly forced I knew why: no matter how much either of us wanted it, no matter what the circumstances, we could never have a fairy-tale romance. I had my chance at that, but in the end, it all failed.
And now, when we finally figured each other out, when the moment came when I knew for sure that there really was someone in the world I couldn't live without, there was nothing I could do about it. My heart had been claimed, and thrown to wherever Darrell was. It was still with him, and he would have it now and forever.
The incident in the Den had changed me for life—no matter how much I wished it, I would never completely be the same person I had been before I stepped foot in that place. It wasn't just finding out that I was the reincarnation of the very first Tamer—something more. It made me cautious, nervous, and constantly wondering...'what if'.
Letting go of one of my hands, Steve kept hold on the other and we walked down the sidewalk, not saying anything, but somehow, saying a million things. I touched the chain with the key on it around my neck with my free hand knowing, that no matter what else was thrown our face, my friends and I...we would face it together.
LTP