Also, I would like to apologize if the story is moving 'too slowly' or if it's 'too wordy.' The way that I basically wrote this story was to focus more on all the little actions and the reasoning behind them that each character goes through. It's meant to show how their actions speak louder than their words. Detail brings that out much better. Anyway, enjoy.
Chapter 4: The Lightest Touch…
Three full weeks have passed by, and where was Spike? lying on the couch with his hands behind his head, a limp cigarette hanging between his thin lips, and his legs casually being lifted up and down with Ed hanging on them by her legs. It was one of the few ways that he had been training his legs so that they would be in fully working condition again. He was now able to walk short distances without any trouble, a very noteworthy improvement. Short distances were known as walks from his room to the bathroom, then to the kitchen, and finally to the couch where he was currently reclining. The trip to the room where he normally trained was either constantly occupied by Faye, or he was too tired to go there. Instead, he merely trained in his room or in the living room, whichever one he happened to be in at the time. It was nothing fancy, but he got used to it after a while. It wasn't like he really had a choice, either.
He was partially glad that Ed was willing to sit around long enough for him. When he first asked, he wasn't aware of how laid back she had become, but now he was extremely thankful for it, just like everyone else on the ship. She wasn't actually paying attention to him while he was lifting her up and down for she was lost within her Tomato doing whatever it was that she did best. At the moment, she was probably looking for another bounty at Jet's request. He had been restless for a while, or maybe he hadn't been sleeping; it wasn't like he needed the money, he just needed something to do, something to keep him awake or away from the ship. Normally the bonsai trees would have kept him busy and content, but with the new change in Faye's attitude, it took a lot more than his trees to distract him.
Everyone was starting to be effected by Faye's sudden and prolonged mood swing. Jet was definitely more tired, if anything. Everyday for the past few weeks, he had to go catch Faye at whatever bar she had been drinking at for that night. She would always come back in his arms, sleeping like a newborn baby, only to wake up at ungodly hours of the day.
Ed was normally sitting on the couch, waiting for them to appear. She was constantly afraid that Faye might run off again, so she always waited for Jet's return. No one really knew what affect it had on Ed when Faye had disappeared for that week, but judging by her current reaction, she didn't want anything like that ever happening again. Sometimes, she was even worried when Jet would be gone for more than a couple days because of a bounty. She was a strange girl with well hidden emotions like that. One just needed to know where to look.
Jet's eyes were always filled with a sad emotion whenever he saw that same worried look in Ed's face each time he came back to the BeBop with Faye. He had seen it so many times; he could now tell that it was going to be there even without looking at her. God, how he hated that look. It reminded him too much of how things used to be. Everything started being what it had been over two years ago. It was like they were going back in time.
Spike started staying awake at night waiting for Jet's return, too. He never left his room at first because he was still too weak, but he had been awake. There was no real reason for him to be up, but he felt like he had to be up for him to come back. He just stayed in his room, leaning against his door so that he could hear everything clearer. He wasn't really sure why he had to know whether or not Jet came in with Faye, but after his last real discussion with Jet, he felt guilty about Faye's drinking problem. He really didn't think she'd do something like that, but she had. Everything that dealt with her constantly caught him off guard nowadays.
Now Spike would wait in the kitchen, sitting at his usual chair, listening to Ed be restless on the couch with Ein lying at her feet. In there, he thought that it would be less likely for him to be found. For the most part, he was right. Only once had Jet found Spike in the kitchen. He had been sitting with the salt shaker in his hand, just absent mindly staring at the wall. Thirty full minutes had passed before any real conversation had started. Jet wasn't used to seeing Spike sit that still for such a long period of time. It had seriously unnerved him, watching Spike like that. That had happened a couple days ago.
When his thigh muscles began to protest the constant movement, Spike stopped his legs from moving as he settled Ed back down onto the couch. She didn't look over at him, or ask why he stopped. She knew that he was probably finished for the day, so she quickly detached from his calves and continued looking for another bounty without skipping a beat. He sat up and removed the cigarette from his mouth as a cloud of smoke swirled around his head. Very little had been happening today, but instead of feeling relaxed like he thought he should have, it only felt like the calm before the storm to him.
He had yet to talk to Faye about what had happened, but it was hard for him to bring it up when she was obviously avoiding him. During the day, she would sleep, get up to eat, work out, shower, sleep some more, and then she would go out to drink. It had happened day in and day out for the past 2 and a half weeks. He had memorized her daily schedule perfectly. Once, he had even tried to intercept her at one of the points of the day, but the moment she saw him, her eyes opened wide, and then she turned around and left the room without a word. On the day that had happened, she went out to drink earlier than normal. It was easy to assume that he would never make that mistake again.
He didn't know why she was so uncomfortable around him. Maybe it had to do with what had happened, but he could never really figure it out. It wasn't like he had really tried to upset her like he was obviously doing. Spike didn't understand why he was so concerned about her in the first place. Wasn't he supposed to be grieving over Julia? At first, he had, but she hadn't exactly done anything to contact him before the last time he met up with her. Three whole years had passed, and nothing was given to him even as a subtle clue. There wasn't a good reason for that, was there?
The whole ordeal didn't seem real to him. Even when she had died in his arms, it was like he was still stuck in the dream. That was it, though. He wasn't in the dream anymore. He had woken up; this is where it had led him. This is where the dream ended and harsh reality began. He was alive with no love, and no real enemy. He was back inside the BeBop with those whom he considered family, yet it wasn't like they were his family at all.
Jet was their disgruntled father; everyone agreed on that. There was nothing else that the ex-cop could have been, even though most who only got a quick glance at him would never figure him to be a father figure. Ed was like the younger sister, or maybe she was just everyone's daughter. Sometimes she was one, sometimes she was she was the other, and other times she wasn't either. It was hard to explain what she meant to all of them because to each person she meant something different. He really didn't know.
Ein was the family dog. Hands down, case closed, no question about it.
But what did that make Faye? Was she his sister? That couldn't have been; what they had done did way more than cross the brother-sister boundaries. Still, she wasn't exactly like his girlfriend or wife either. He didn't really know what to explain what they had, or if they had anything at all. He was just Spike, and Faye was just Faye. The dreamer and the shrew, but now neither of them fit their previous titles. She had calmed down and actually stared helping, while he was more attached and more in touch with what was going on around him. He no longer had a dream to chase, and she no longer had a past to find. They both found what they were looking for, and it did them little to no good. Still, they were forever changed by it.
He didn't like thinking this much about her, but it was all he could do to get his mind off of Julia. There was nothing he could do for her; she had died, and as far as he had heard, they didn't even get to bury her. Vicious probably had something to do with her lack of a burial, but since he was dead, Spike would never know if that were true. Officially, there was nothing for him to return to on Mars, so he tried to block as much of it out of his mind as possible. It was finally time for him to forget the dream and his past. Now there was just him concentrating on picking up all the differences in his crew members and his future.
With Jet and Ed there wasn't really a lot to notice. Most of their changes were straight forward and apparent, but with Faye, there were so many things that were different that she just kept clouding his mind; it was driving him insane. He missed bugging the Hell out of the shrew woman he used to know. He hated to admit it, but he missed the old Faye. Okay, maybe now that he thought about it, he didn't miss the annoying shrew, but he missed the Faye that he knew right before he had left to go fight Vicious. That Faye was sexy, spunky, sure of herself, and yet modest, calmer, and quieter. He assumed she was becoming a mixture of whom she was and whom she turned into. That was the Faye he truly didn't mind being around. That was the Faye he could have seen himself eventually falling for if he never loved Julia.
Now even she was gone, turned into a shell of herself that drank into oblivion and kept away from others. He was left with this new Faye that he didn't even really know, but he worried about her all the same, even if he were the only person that really knew about it.
The heavy sound of boots echoed against the halls, breaking Spike's concentration and his brooding mood. Turning around, he noticed that Ed heard and responded to it, too. Now both of them were staring up at Jet with confused yet blank faces as his arms crossed in front of his chest. Dark circles were forming under his eyes; his whole body looked almost completely worn out. He hadn't been sleeping much, and everything about his appearance seemed to scream it out. He looked down at them, noticing that they both looked like small children looking up at their father waiting from him to give them their chores for the day.
"Find anything yet, Ed?" Jet asked with a subtly hopeful tone in his voice. He needed to get away from the ship for a while. Everything that had been going on was now starting to get under his skin. Another couple days of this, and he knew he would snap. She merely shook her head in a negative way with an apologetic look on her face.
"Nothin', Jet-person. I told you that there wouldn't be anyone for a while." He nodded and let out a sign of disappointment as he lifted up a hand to rub the back of his neck. Even the muscles in his neck were getting way too tense. Spike took another drag on his cigarette before crushing the mostly used up bud in the ashtray on the table.
Jet looked over at him and let both of his arms dangle at his sides. "Has she left her room yet?" He knew about Spike's sudden interest in what Faye did everyday. Although he never really knew why it had started, he knew better than to pry. Everything just worked out better that way. Plus at least now he knew that he could at least rely on one person knowing where she was at any point of the day; it would just have to be him.
"Nope. She should have left it about an hour ago, but there hasn't been a sound from her room," Spike stated, trying to make his voice seem as neutral as possible. Even though Spike knew that Jet wasn't fooled by his act, he felt more comfortable with it on. At least he still would have something to hide behind. While he had been speaking, he was sifting through his pockets looking for his cigarettes. Jet knew it was only a method that he used to hide the look of worry that was plastered on his face.
Jet's expression remained calm for a moment before it turned into one of frustration and anger. "Goddamn that woman!" he cursed, causing both Spike and Ed's heads to snap up and look at him. The look in his eyes was one that was strange yet familiar to them. He was angry, that much was obvious, but there were still traces of worry lining his face and his eyes. Maybe Jet had changed more than Spike really gave him credit for.
Jet stormed out of the room and headed straight for Faye's chamber. He was fuming inside. That damned, lazy woman was causing more of a commotion on his ship than he was ready to handle. He knew that she was having trouble adjusting to Spike being with them again, but this was just ridiculous. He didn't have a clue what had happened between them; he didn't think it was anything serious enough for her to start up this shit all over again. He put up with it for three weeks now and three years before this; he was damn sure that it wasn't going to last another day.
Coming up to her room, he pounded on the door with his metallic arm, stopping only for a minute to listen for any reaction within the room. When he heard nothing, he yelled, "Faye, open up the damn door before I break it down!" The sound of rustling bed sheets was faintly heard behind the door, but the sound still stayed on the far side of the room. "Damnit, Faye, I mean it!" When he didn't hear her moving after his second call, he tried opening up the door only to discover that it was already open.
Slowly, he walked inside, scanning the dark room with his eyes to see where Faye was. The darkness of the room gave him an unsettling feeling. Something just wasn't right. When he looked at her bed, he saw her exposed backside to him with waves of violet hair on and around her shoulders. Her whole body was scrunched up into a ball with her arms wound around her bent legs. The sheets were bunched up at her feet, leaving her completely bare to the open air. All the previous anger and irritation were completely washed away, quickly being replaced by worry and shock.
How long had she been just lying like this?
"Faye?" Jet asked cautiously as he walked closer to her bed. The way she appeared just made everything about the situation seem completely surreal. He was almost afraid to go closer to her, but his feet were already reacting without the mind's consent. As he was watching her, he saw the muscles in her body twitch enough for them to clearly show up on her back. A quiet sob came from her now trembling form.
After a long moment of silence, she barely whispered, "It hurts." He looked at her puzzled for a second before walking right next to the bed. Staring down at her, he saw that her head was tucked between her knees. When he looked hard enough, he could see a dark, wet spot growing beneath her cheek that was hovering right above the mattress. She had been crying, but for how long he wasn't sure. What the Hell had happened to her?
"What hurts?" he asked before removing her pillow that she wasn't using and sitting on her bed. She didn't look up at him, but continued to shake lightly, muttering small words beneath her breath. He had never seen her this bad before; sometimes she came close to this, but it never was quite this bad. To say the least, it truly frightened him. He had promised himself long ago that he'd never let her get this bad.
"Everywhere," she finally sobbed. "Everything, Jet… It all hurts." She choked out the last sentence as she quickly buried her face in the palms of her hands. Three years ago, he would have walked away; three years ago, he would have called her an emotional, stubborn woman and walked away without ever looking back. This wasn't three years ago, though. This was now. Now, Jet reached over for her shoulder and lightly grasped it. It wasn't a full embrace, but it was his way of comforting someone. It was his way of letting her know that he was listening.
"Faye," he lightly asked, "how long have you been lying there?" She didn't respond for a moment, for she was too wrapped up in her crying to hear him at first.
"Too long," she gasped out. He was going to say something, but she softly continued, "I can't get up. Everything hurts. Jet, it all-"
"I know. I know." He stood up and towered over her. She was such a sorry sight. Inside, he wished that he would never have to see her like this again. He wasn't sure if he would be able to take it, let alone her. She seemed so lost and alone. Guessing that she had been like this since last night, he leaned over and picked her up, seemingly cradling her in his arms. At that moment, he realized how light she really seemed. So much lighter than what she used to be. "We're gonna give you a bath, okay?"
She didn't look up at him, but he could see the streaks of teas staining her cheeks. With a small nod, she whispered, "Okay," before he carried her off into the hallway, down to the bathroom.
Jet knew he would have to eventually ask her what had caused that, but after smelling the stench of vodka that literally almost clung to her, he could easily guess that it had something to do with her constant drinking that she started up again. He always found her doing and talking about the strangest of things after her days of heavy continuous drinking, but nothing ever this bad. She looked completely shattered, as if there were no will power to live left within her.
He still managed to hold her up with one arm while he prepared the bath in the bathroom. Her limbs were hanging limply out of his grasp, making her seem like an oversized doll. To him, she felt like dead weight. When the tub was full, he softly whispered a few comforting words as he slipped her into the hot water. She didn't react to it, even though he knew it was a tad bit hotter than what she usually liked. Her blank eyes seemed to stare out into nothingness; she was completely ignoring the fact that Jet was in the room.
Since he wasn't sure if she were just going to sit in the water or not, he grabbed a washcloth out of a nearby cabinet and soaked it in the water. This hadn't been the first time he had to give her a bath because she was too drunk to do it herself. That still didn't mean that he was all that comfortable with it. Maybe more familiar, but not comfortable. Before he had the chance to lift his hand again, she grasped his wrist with a firm touch. He looked up at her face, only to notice that her bloodshot eyes were locked onto him.
"I didn't want to tell you because I was embarrassed." He looked at her puzzled for a moment, unsure of what she was talking about. Her gaze was unwavering, but he could see the tears collecting in her eyes. They were tears of shame and regret. Tears saying that whatever sin that she was punishing herself for, she would gladly do again.
Her grip loosened only a bit, but it was enough for him to take back his hand. "What are you talking about?" She curled her legs against her body and wrapped her arms around her legs. Placing her chin on her knees, she stared straight ahead of her with emotionless eyes.
"I fucked him, Jet. I can't even call it anything else because that's what it was." She paused for a moment, testing him to see his reaction. Her voice had been surprisingly steady. He had a good idea of whom she was talking about. He even had a suspicion about it before now. "Spike, that is… That's only if you don't know whom I'm talking about."
"I know." It wasn't an answer that she was suspecting, but she was glad that there were no signs of disgust in his voice. It made her feel at ease, even if it were only by a little bit. He could tell by the way her shoulders slumped and relaxed slightly when he spoke those words. A part of him didn't want to listen to what she had to say, but that was his old self talking. He had become more open and understanding to Faye's needs over time because he knew she needed it. She needed so much more than what she let on. So much more…
"I can't even begin to count the times," she continued, her voice still unnervingly calm. "All the different things we did in all the different places." A smile graced her lips when she spoke this, but since he was looking at her profile, he couldn't tell that the smile didn't reach her eyes. Such good and yet sad memories, memories that plagued her at night, but she didn't want them to go away. "If you knew everything, you wouldn't want to touch anything on this ship again. We were just that creative.
"He did more than fuck with my body though. That I could just ignore. It's happened so many times before that I can just ignore the physical part of it. But he did so much more than mess with my body…" For the first time, since she started talking, she looked at him. "Jet, if I knew that eventually he would leave without a goodbye, which I did know that he would do, when it happened, why did it hurt so much?"
She never asked him such a serious question like this before. Normally, she would just talk, and his job was just to sit there and listen. She knew when she came to him that he didn't have all the answers; she knew he didn't even have most of them. Still, he didn't want to push her away; she didn't want to leave. It would only do more harm than good at the moment.
"I don't know, Faye," he answered honestly. "I really don't know." At least he was telling the truth. He didn't know why she cared so much. They all knew he was going to get up and leave one day after they first found about the whole Vicious and Julia ordeal. Jet knew that the day was coming ever since he first met Spike, and when it eventually came, he knew just to let the man go. Faye was a different issue, though. She was probably closer and more like him than anyone ever noticed or admitted. The relationship that they apparently chose to have only complicated situations.
"When we found him, I was still pissed off at him for leaving. It was as if what had happened between us didn't matter at all to him, and in a way, that was my fault. I had set up the rules so that it wouldn't mean anything. I didn't expect anything big from him, no emotions or attachments, but I didn't expect him to forget me as if I meant nothing at all. When I finally needed someone to connect to, someone I thought I could trust, he just got up and was gone. I was left with only myself…
"Now that he's awake and he wants to actually acknowledge what had happened, I run away like he did. I run because I don't want to face it; I don't want to hear him say what happened was just something he regrets. Even if he doesn't regret it, what if he wants it to start all over again? I'm so scared that I'll fall into that pattern so helplessly again, only to have the same results... Jet, I don't want to be deserted anymore. I just want a family and a place to call home..."
The way that she looked while she was speaking was a look that Jet would never forget. It was hard to describe because so many different emotions were flowing over her face at such a rapid speed that it was hard for him to keep up with them all. Anger, rage, depression, fear, pain, loneliness… They all flickered on her face for a moment before fading into the next. Whatever impact Spike had caused on her was one that was most likely permanent. So this is what the Hell had been wrong with her for so long. He fucked around with her, left her, and then tried coming back as if nothing was wrong. What a usual idiot and jackass he was being.
"Faye, I don't know what to tell you, but I do know that this is something that you and he have to take care of yourselves. I can only be there to help you, but I won't solve your problems for you." She was gazing at him with a blank look on her face, but he could see understanding and acceptance in her eyes. She knew this was her problem, and the only person that she shared it with was Spike. "Take your time though; I don't want you over working yourself. Now wash yourself up and get dressed. I'll have dinner ready in a little while."
With that, he got up to leave the room and her sitting in the tub. Hesitantly, she reached for the washcloth that he left in the water. Staring at it as though it was a foreign object, she let it partially float it in hand that barely broke the surface of the water. Much was on her mind, and it was only going to get worse before it got any better. Before she got to actually start washing herself, she looked up when Jet called her name.
"One last thing, Faye." He paused, giving her a hard look with just his head peeking through the door. A long silence filled the room before he continued. "I want you to stop that fucking drinking." He stopped to see if she had anything to say to his demand. When no remark came, he felt that there was nothing left to say; he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him, leaving only a wet Faye to clean herself off.
After staring emotionlessly at the door for a long time, she looked back into her lap and wrinkled her nose in disgust. The water was too damn hot.
He dropped the cigarette onto the floor before crushing it beneath his worn out boot. His body was blended in with the shadows caused by the ship, leaving him invisible to Jet's eyes as he passed by. Spike watched his retreating form with an emotionless expression on his face. Earlier, he had been listening to the conversation that Faye and Jet had. Now Jet knew everything. He didn't know how uncomfortable it was going to be whenever he met Jet's gaze. This was only going to make his life more like Hell. He shouldn't have been eavesdropping in the first place, but it was one of the things that he did best. He was able to see without being seen.
If there were ever a question about him feeling guilty for Faye's condition before, it was quickly answered now. So Jet was right in accusing him for Faye's current and previous problems. Still, that hadn't made it any better or easier to deal with. He had no idea that something like this would have happened to Faye, but even if he did know, would he have stayed with her? It was doubtful. At the time when he left for what he thought was for good, Julia was dead, and he still needed to settle the score with Vicious. He was also angry with himself for having such dry eyes when Julia died.
He never did cry, and that was the thing that was eating him up the most. Generally when one has the love of their life dying in his arms, he cries for her. He didn't; instead, he just watched the dream die in silence. Julia had been his dream, and now she was gone. He even went after his old best friend for killing his dream. Now he was gone, too. There was nothing really left for him anymore, just a shattered dream and little hope for a future. He no longer had anyone to think about besides himself. Spike was left in this world with no more burdens on his shoulders. He was free.
Or at least that's what he had thought.
Now instead of worrying about Julia, he had to worry about Faye, the woman without a past, the gambler Poker Alice, the shrew. Still, that wasn't who she was anymore. He constantly had to keep reminding himself about that. Now she was just Faye. Faye was all those things and yet none of them at all. Faye was no longer the shrew; she was the woman who was currently sitting in the bathroom with puffy eyes and a bleeding ego. Maybe discovering her past had killed the shrew, but he definitely damaged the woman she was turning into.
Listening to Jet and Faye's conversation gave him some answers, but there were still so many questions left unasked. There were questions like, 'What was next?' She was afraid and hurt, which meant any chance of either of them reviving what they once had was minimal. He wasn't really sure if he even wanted that. It was obvious that she wanted it, but she didn't want it the way it had apparently turned out. He wasn't going to run off again, though. There would be no reason for it this time.
When he disappeared on the nights before she woke up, it was because of Julia. When the whole relationship started, it was to convince himself that Julia really wasn't going to come back. She was gone, and it was time for him to move onward. To move on not into another relationship, but with life in general. Spike saw that possibility in Faye. At the time, he thought she was the key that he needed. Still, the memories of his love prevented him from any form of attachment. As long as Julia could have possibly been alive, having Faye in his arms at night didn't feel right to him.
Still, even though it didn't feel like what he had with Julia, there was still something special about it. During the time with her, he felt as though he needed her like he needed air. She was constantly on his mind, plaguing his thoughts. She revived his sexual drive in a way he didn't think was possible. Only Julia had him hooked like that, but he was hooked by the heart with Julia. In lack of a better term, he was hooked by his crotch with Faye.
Even so, at that time, it was the type of relationship that he wanted and needed. It was the true freedom that he desired with a woman. She was there to give him what he wanted, and she never said, 'No.' He still gave her every opportunity to back out if she wanted to, but she stayed with him throughout everything. It was almost perfect.
Then the worst thing that could have happened did. Not only was Julia still alive, but Faye was the first one to talk to her. Even before she gave him the message that Julia had sent, he saw the darkness within Faye's eyes. They almost looked like black orbs that wanted to swallow him whole when he met her gaze. It hadn't made sense until she told him what Julia had said. It was the only sign of jealousy or possessiveness that he had ever seen from Faye, but he didn't realize it until later. She now knew what she was up against. No wonder she looked so lost and dejected when he left.
When he heard that Julia was alive, little else mattered to him. He didn't even bring it into mind that he had fucked Faye a countless number of times. Julia was alive. What else was there to think about? That day he left without a word or a thought to Faye as well. He had a feeling that she knew it was going to happen, so at the time, it wasn't important enough for him to give thought to.
When he came back that night, he now assumed that it was like he was reopening the wound that he had just caused in her. This time he didn't just leave without a decent goodbye; he left with the intention of dying. He never planned on coming back. Spike only wanted to be with his angel in their dream version of Heaven.
Faye had no longer been part of the picture.
Now, three years later, he was left without his dream angel and only with his reality. Faye. He didn't have a reason to leave her in the night or run away without a word anymore. He had no reason at all to go anywhere, so he would stay on the BeBop. He would stay around his warped family and with Faye. Still, it was and yet wasn't a very pleasing choice. The truth was that staying on the BeBop would only made things harder for him.
Jet was obviously annoyed with him for doing that to her; he would be even more so pissed off now that he actually knew what had happened between them. Jet had changed so much. He cared so much more for Faye than he let on. She was now like his daughter, and Spike was beginning to feel like a teen that broke one of his date's dad's rules. That was something he just didn't want to fool around with, yet he knew it was coming.
Ed was more natural and forgiving about it, but he still sometimes felt judged when he looked into the amber eyes of that fiery headed girl. She held so much more to her than anyone ever knew. Her uncanny attachment to Faye only proved that.
He never got close enough to Faye to tell what she had been thinking.
He pulled out another cigarette from his pack and placed it between his lips. Life was too hard at the moment. All he wanted to worry about was getting back in shape, maybe get some real food, and then sleep, but there was so much more that he had to have on his mind. Faye, Julia, Faye, Life… Faye, once again.
As he pulled his lighter from his pocket, he heard the bathroom door softly open and close. Two footsteps sounded in his direction before they suddenly stopped. He lit his cigarette and took a long drag before looking up in front of him.
Faye was standing right outside the bathroom door with a towel wrapped around her body and her hair hanged limply over her pale shoulders. Droplets of water were sliding down her arms and the front of her chest. Her eyes could only be described as wide and dark. She looked like a deer in headlights, completely scared to move. Seeing her like this only reminded him of why he thought she was beautiful in so many different ways from Julia. She was enticing. Something about her just made him want to reach out and stroke her. Already, he could feel the smallest hint of desire rising in him.
"I know you're there, Spike," she stated with a hoarse voice. Even from where he was standing, he could hear her labored breath. She was nervous and uneasy. He could tell.
Taking a drag on his cigarette, he placed the lighter back into his pocket. He stepped out of the shadows and locked his gaze with hers. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, but kept her eyes steady and on his. Just by the look in her eyes, he could tell that she wanted to run away from him like she always did. He knew that she knew better though. There wasn't anywhere for her to really go except her room. Even if she went there, he would have followed her. Spike needed everything to be cleared up some time soon. It was all starting to drive him nuts.
"Faye," he said more as a greeting than a statement. He removed the cigarette from his lips and pulled out his pack. With the lighter beneath the pack, he silently offered it to her. Merely looking at it, she shook her head and took a small step back. Giving her a hard look for a moment, he wondered why she was constantly skitterish around him. Pushing the thought aside, he shrugged and placed the pack back into his pocket before tossing the lighter at her.
She caught it with one hand while holding up her towel with the other. A look of confusion passed over her face before it melted back into its usual empty stare. An awkward silence filled the hall as he stood there smoking; she held the lighter in her closed palm before her. They weren't really tense, but they weren't exactly at ease either. There was so much to say, but neither one wanted to shatter the silence. It was the first time that they actually stood in each other's presence for three years without either one bolting from the room. It was somehow reassuring, but even the silence had to end.
"I can't do this, Spike." She looked away from the lighter in her hand and back up to his face. His eyes had never left her figure since he first looked up at her. His eyes sent the familiar chill down her spine as she looked into them. They were the same as she remembered, but now it was harder to read them. Everything in them was so much more complex and deeper than what she usually thought. His real eye reflected so many conflicting emotions, yet his fake one reflected only one constant message. Emptiness.
The way that she fidgeted under his stare was something that he had remembered loving. She always had that look of uncertainty and yearning whenever he stared right at her. Now wasn't an exception. It reminded him to much of how it used to be, but he knew that it was that exact thing that she was protesting. She was right; it would have been so easy just to fall back into their old pattern. The old pattern would have had him taking her right against the wall in this hallway just because she stared at him like that. The old pattern gave promises, but never delivered.
"I know." His gaze was silently telling her what he was thinking about. It wasn't hard to pick up because she had the same nostalgic glint in her eyes. They both missed it, and yet they wanted to avoid it. It was a mistake that shouldn't be repeated, but wasn't repeating mistakes part of human nature? Heat was starting to slowly flow through her body. This was too familiar. Now she really had to escape before she did something stupid, before she did something she knew she would regret.
Looking away, she turned her focus onto the ground. Looking at him would only make matters worse. She didn't want that, didn't need it. "You over heard, didn't you?" The question was almost silent, but she asked anyway, even though she knew the answer. She could hear him taking a step closer to her, but she didn't know if he truly had control over what he was doing. Faye knew she could do that to him without trying; she just prayed that it wouldn't happen now.
"Yeah." It came out more as a sigh than a response. The steps suddenly stopped. Closing her eyes, she tried to somehow will his presence away. It would never work. Suddenly, she felt a warm hand cup the side of her face, slowly turning it towards him. She didn't want to know why he had gotten so close to her, but she could basically feel the heat radiating from his body through his yellow shirt that he almost always wore. Still averting his gaze, she opened her eyes to look at his chin instead.
"Then you know why I can't." She held her breath when he tilted up her chin more so that she was looking right into his eyes. She wanted to close her eyes, wanted to run, wanted to get away. God, she just wanted him to stop looking at her like that. Faye wanted herself to stop wanting him to look at her that way. His face was slowly drawing closer to hers, and a subtle wave of panic washed over her. He was too close, too close for her to control herself… Any closer and she would just fall into that same old trap she was trying to escape. She needed this, but didn't want to need it. Never-
"There's no reason for me to leave again... You don't have to worry." Soft lips came close enough to just barely brush against hers. She was like a drug, a very addictive and dangerous drug to him, but he couldn't stop. In the back of his mind, he didn't want to stop. Seeing her like that just brought back so many good memories, and it wasn't like they had to see each other in secret. With Faye, he was so much more open. There was nothing to hold him back from being with her. At the time, it had felt so good…
Just before he sealed her lips with his, she finally let out the breath that she was holding in and quickly asked, "What about your love for Julia?" At that sentence, he completely froze.
Many different thoughts flew through his mind at that question. She brought up the one thing that he had almost completely forgotten about. It never had been an issue before, but now it seemed like she was using it as a shield to hide from him. The question, 'Why?' kept flying through his head as he tried to collect all his thoughts in an orderly manner. It was hard for him to do with his lust for Faye clouded his mind. Just being around her always seemed to muddle his judgment.
Nevertheless, her question did get his undivided attention. When it finally snapped into his brain what she really had been asking, a frown formed on his face. It killed the previous mood, regardless of how the heat from her body was still softly stirring desire within him. His lips were still lightly brushing against hers, but now he slowly pulled away. His hand dropped from her face, falling to his side as he took a step back. He was slightly upset and disappointed. There was no way for her to mistake that expression on his face for anything else. A look of relief was painfully clear on her face when he stopped touching her. She had gotten what she wanted.
He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he realized that he was at a loss for words. What about his love for Julia? She was gone, and there was little he could do about it. He spent six years in total mourning for her, and now that he was awake both figuratively and literally, what good was it for him to mourn over her now? Sure, a part of him still missed her, still dreamed about her, still loved her, but he was in reality now. The dream ended; dreaming would do him no good now. Faye was in the reality. She was a shot at happiness, even if she weren't a shot at love. Julia would have wanted him to be happy, one way or another.
"What does love have to do with anything, Faye?" She didn't expect that question from him, nor did she expect his blunt tone. It had caught her off guard, and now a feeling of uneasiness washed over her in waves. He did have a point though. She should have known better. She must have forgotten more about their affair over the years than she ever thought. Love was never part of their relationship before. Why was she so concerned with it now? More importantly, why did it even matter?
She bowed her head down, letting her hair act like a curtain over her eyes. "It has nothing to do with anything." Her voice was low and partially apologetic. She didn't want him seeing the look of defeat in her eyes. For some reason, she felt ashamed. Whether it was for bringing up Julia or for almost surrendering to him, she didn't know.
"Exactly." Even though he sounded as if he were going to approach her again, he didn't. Spike didn't move for a long time; his eyes were staring at the ground in front of him. What used to be many different thoughts roaming through his head was now replaced with a familiar emptiness. The void of nothingness. He didn't want to think about what had passed or what had almost happened. Right now, he needed a cigarette… badly. Since he didn't trust his body or mind even with the silence that filled both, he kept his hands buried in his pockets. Without looking up, he said, "You should get dressed."
The tension that was between them was now too thick for both of their likings. Feeling that there was nothing more to be said at that point of time, he walked away from her without looking back, but if he had, he would have seen the regret dance in her eyes. Silently, she watched his retreating form, trying to take in every detail that she could with her eyes. The bastard still enchanted her, even when he made her self conscious and nervous. Sometimes, that man was just too sexy for his own good. It was then that she remembered why she ever said, 'Yes,' to him in the first place.
He was what she liked call, 'Sex on Legs.'
When he turned the corner, she let out a long sigh. Her legs started trembling beneath her, so she reached out and leaned onto the wall that was nearby. If she would have to go through anything like that again, she wasn't sure if she would be able to resist. Faye had missed his touch, and feeling it again made her body feel like a rainforest. How long was she going to keep up this dance around him? Sooner or later, they were going to have another confrontation like this again, and even the mentioning of Julia wouldn't be able to save her.
Now that she thought about it, a pang of guilt struck her when she recalled the look on Spike's face. She brought up that name. She had brought up the one thing that would cause an emotional reaction within him instantly. Inside, she knew that she shouldn't have brought Julia up, but she needed a way for him to back down. That was the only way that she thought of at the time. Even though it had worked, she now wished that she hadn't mentioned it at all. She knew all about the pain of having old wounds being torn open. She knew the pain only too well. Now, there was no way of knowing what he was going to do. Deep down, she knew…
…She shouldn't have touched his.