Do You Realize?
by suiseihime

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Ruroken. No profit is being made from this. I used a line from The Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize" somewhere in the story, and I don't own that line either.

Rating: PG – just a little bit too serious for a G

Spoilers: taking place after the Jinchuu arc, this mostly satisfies my anger at Kaoru's previous submissiveness.

Summary: Kaoru has second thoughts about being satisfied as the "second love" in Kenshin's life. Now it's his job to reassure her.

She sat on the familiar, worn steps of the dojo, letting the night breeze flitter around her. The coolness of the wind warred with the warm unhappiness spreading in her body, and she held herself closer, shivering.

Kaoru never liked having a reason to doubt Kenshin's love for her. Not that she doubted it, she reminded herself quickly, but she constantly felt the pressure of Tomoe on her shoulders. She imagined Kenshin sizing her up against Tomoe, contrasting her brash behavior to Tomoe's elegant serenity, her face, such an open book, against Tomoe's carefully schooled features. She always caused Kenshin such worry; she could never imagine Tomoe heaping all her personal problems on Kenshin's back. Tomoe was so graceful and mature...how could she ever live up to that? Her attempts to refine her behavior and appearance were always laughed off by Kenshin. "Oro, Kaoru? Why are you acting so primly? Your face is meant for smiling. And why are you wearing your kimono so tightly? Loosen it a bit so you can walk as you always do."

Kaoru glowered at the memory. Leave it to Kenshin to misinterpret and misunderstand everything. Mou! You'd think, after living through so much pain and despair that he wouldn't be as innocent and clueless as he seemed. Couldn't he see how hard she'd been trying?

Today, things had started well. For dinner she made a simple meal of beef and rice, and Kenshin had smiled widely after tasting it...

"Ah! This is truly delicious, Kaoru!"

Kaoru blushed and nodded happily. "Thank you, Kenshin. Tae-san gave me a few suggestions on how to season the beef."

Kenshin reached across the table and gently touched her face. "I'm proud of you. You're really starting to cook well now."

They ate happily in silence, until Kenshin, putting his bowl and chopsticks down, smiled.

"Delicious! Just think, Kaoru, soon you'll be able to cook yakiniku, then tempura! I could eat plates of tempura. Then you'll move on to more complicated dishes! I can already see big feasts waiting for me on the table..." he trailed off when he saw Kaoru's downcast face. "...what's wrong, Koishii?"

Kaoru stared hard at her bowl of rice, trying to blink away frustrated tears . "Kenshin...did for you?"

"Ah, yes..." he replied hesitantly, wishing he could see could see Kaoru's face, see what she was feeling.

"Did Tomoe dishes all the time?" Kaoru's voice grew softer and softer till Kenshin had to strain to catch her last words.

Kenshin gently laid his hand over her trembling one, caressing her softly with his thumb. "Kaoru, please stop torturing yourself. I don't want you to be Tomoe. I don't expect things from you that I expected from Tomoe."

Kaoru raised her head to glare at Kenshin, and he could see her crystalline tears threatening to fall as she spoke. "What does that mean? Do you think I can't handle things she could do? Have you accepted my cooking as a permanent failure? I'm sorry that Tomoe isn't here to cook those delicious feasts for you." She threw her chopsticks on the table and ran out of the room, crying.

Why? She yelled inwardly at herself. Why, why, why, why, WHY? Why do I always do this? Make a big scene, make Kenshin uncomfortable, run out in tears. Why am I such a child? Why can't I be mature?

"Why can't I be like Tomoe?" she whispered.

She closed her eyes and tried to will her unhappiness away. She was more content with her life now than she could ever have imagined possible...she had Kenshin, loving friends, a fulfilling job, a good home...her brooding was broken by Kenshin's unwelcome presence. She scowled into the dark and determinedly tried to ignore him.

Sensing her angry aura, Kenshin gingerly sat down next to Kaoru and looked out into the darkness. "Nice night, isn't it?" he asked conversationally.

No response.

He tried again. "A little bit chilly for summer, though, don't you think?"

"What," Kaoru replied stonily, "do you want."

Kenshin sighed and tentatively tried to put an arm around her. She reacted violently, scooting away from him, leaving more than a foot of space between them. He made no move to touch her again, and instead stared at the dark night sky in silence. His lips moved almost imperceptibly, and Kaoru suspected he was counting the stars in the sky. She groaned and brought her knees up to her chin, leaning against a pole and studying Kenshin through her thick bangs. He radiated such peace and calm...even when she was angry with him, just a glance at him would somehow soothe her anger. Even now, more furious that she had ever been, just looking at him made her feel…comforted.

"Kaoru," he finally said, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Kenshin, do you love me?" she interrupted his apology. "Do you truly love me?"

"Yes." She wouldn't have been satisfied with that answer had she not heard the intensity and certainty of his response. She shivered and smiled at her toes as she tried to think of something else to say.

Kenshin inched a bit closer to Kaoru, and seeing no protest, scooted all the way to her feet. "Kaoru...I only meant to be encouraging at dinner. Whatever second meaning you thought you heard wasn't there. I only wished to make you happy. "He flicked one of her toes lightly. "I know you feel some sort of…competition…but there's no need for that. Really."

"I can't help feeling...if Tomoe were here today... you would go back to her and leave me." A vastly unfair statement, she knew, but one she had to say even if it killed her.

Kenshin gave her the same response as he always did. "Kaoru, I love you. You are what I need now."

In previous times, this would have pacified Kaoru enough for her to give Kenshin a quick peck on the cheek and change the subject. Not to be sidestepped this time, she sat up on her knees and whirled on him, her finger pointing angrily at his wide-eyed, blinking face.

"Kenshin, you can't do this to me again. It won't work on me this time. I have to know, would you go back to her?"

"Kaoru –"

"Please," she whispered. "Please, just tell me the truth."

Kenshin fell silent, and in the next five seconds, Kaoru prayed harder than she ever prayed in her life. Please, God, please. Let it be me. The silence stretched on for her, each minute seeming like a lifetime. As Kenshin finally moved from his sitting position, Kaoru's heart jumped in her throat as she waited for his response. He gently guided her trembling body into his arms and held her close. She felt his warmth seep through her clothes and tried to breathe calm into her body.

"Kaoru, I only want to say this once and then I want to put this nonsense behind us forever." He took a deep breath. "I loved Tomoe deeply. It was with her that I learned how to feel love and give love in return."

Kaoru looked up at Kenshin, her teary azure eyes hesitantly settling on his warm amethyst ones. "Kenshin?"

Kenshin smiled and held her closer, tucking her head under his chin. "Don't be so afraid, dear one. She is part of a life I have put behind me. She taught me kindness, and she taught me how to love. I will always love her for that, and I will always be grateful."

She fingered his gi lightly, reveling in the familiar texture of his clothes, the familiar shape of his arm. "But, Kenshin, I...just..." she squared her shoulders and faced Kenshin, her eyes determined. "When we went to Tomoe's grave, I prayed to her to let me love you. I told her that I understood that I could never be dearer to you than her, but I still wished to care for you. I thought I would be satisfied with that...but now I can't be happy with so little. I can't live knowing that I'll always be living under the memory of Tomoe. I know it's selfish, but I just can't!"

Kenshin regarded her seriously. "Don't you understand, even now? It was because of her that I am able to love you today. I love you because I loved her. She was the love of my boyhood, but you are the love of my life. In a time when all I had was my sadness and my past, you pulled me out of my misery and saved me. Before you, I would have never dreamed such a life of happiness was possible for someone like me. If I had to choose between you and Tomoe, I would choose you."

"What?" Kaoru whispered, not believing her ears, not trusting the happiness that was rapidly beating into her heart.

"Kaoru, I would choose you."

Kaoru beamed and hurled herself into Kenshin's waiting arms, burying her face in his comforting shoulder. He turned her face to him and kissed her tear-stained face gently.

"Kaoru," he whispered hoarsely, "Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face? You love and hate so passionately, and I can see it all on your face...all your love for me..."

She blushed and tried to restrain the joy that threatened to burst from her. He nudged her face with his face and smiled broadly. "I love all of you, Kaoru. And do you know what I love most of all?"

She shook her head.

"I love that happiness makes you cry."

Kaoru buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed.