VI:

She was resting against the edge of a desk, talking to someone when he crossed the room at a clip. "I assume the confession is sound and that Bronx is prosecuting for all crimes but the burglary and assault committed in Brooklyn," Rafael barked out.

Olivia immediately turned to look at him. "You would assume correctly."

"Rafael Barba, Kings County ADA," he said, extending his hand. "I've been kept in the loop. We're intending to prosecute on the minor offenses to the minimum of the law in order to more effectively prosecute the homicide and sexual offenses."

"Thank you for your cooperation," the Bronx ADA said, rolling her eyes from Liv's other side. "It will make my job so much easier."

"I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I do have ten years prosecuting homicide," Rafael countered.

"Bust out the beers," someone piped up sarcastically, "the lawyers are gonna have a showdown."

"Enough," the captain interjected. "Enough. I don't care who gets the glory as long as the guy goes away. Preferably forever."

Rafael smiled tightly and nodded. "If you'll excuse me…"

"I'll escort you out, Mr. Barba," Liv said.

"Detective, I found my way here, I can find my way back." His tone was sharper than he meant it to be. He took a deep breath. "All right. Thank you."

She threw a look at the other prosecutor and he was relieved to find that it was less than savory; one of the other officers took her place and Liv fell into step beside him to the elevator. "You okay?" she asked softly once inside.

"Fine," he answered. "I'm starting at 1 Hogan Place in three weeks. I'll be taking on cases from vice at first, then moving into SVU cases. The EADA is leaving at the end of the year, so it's temporary demotion and then promotion." He glanced over at her. "Are you okay with formally disclosing right now?" He tried not to show how anxious he was to ask the question; making long-term decisions about relationships almost always backfired in his face, so he just let things ride. But something about all of this felt different. It felt right in a way that nothing else ever had.

She nodded. "Yeah. I think we need to." Liv smiled a little. "I got the promotion, by the way. I'll miss my investiture because of my leave of absence, but… It's Sergeant Benson to you, buddy."

He grinned at her shamelessly. "That's my girl," he praised softly, reaching over to tangle their fingers together for just a moment. The elevator doors opened and they stepped into the lobby. "I don't suppose you can break for a coffee?"

"No, but I should get home before midnight," she teased. "Want to split a frozen waffle and put some peanut butter on it and watch something?"

"I would rather eat real food," he protested. "And make sure you relax."

"Well," Olivia said, pushing her bangs back, "I have an appointment later, but I should be home around seven if you want to come over. We can order in and veg on the couch? Talk about anything but work?"

"Sounds like a plan," Rafael said. "You'd better get back upstairs before they think we're concocting secret plans to overthrow the world or something."

He wanted to kiss her. He wanted the world to be kinder, gentler, wanted there to be a way that some level of human comfort and decency could exist between them and no one would bat an eye. But, alas, it wasn't to be. So they parted company and Rafael headed out onto the streets of Manhattan.

The rest of his day was spent commuting, in meetings and strategy sessions, in a disastrous meeting with the Kings County DA who wanted to fire him outright rather than transfer him after closing his pending cases – which led to a shouting match in Spanish and several assistants threatening to call HR, another long commute back to Manhattan, and a brief moment in his apartment as he changed out of his suit that stank of cologne and sweat and the city grime of self-awareness in which he realized that he really didn't need to change into anything flash or substance for takeout on the couch.

So he shrugged into jeans and his old Harvard hoodie and let out a heavy sigh. It was one thing to be aware that you were the most unliked person in the DA's office because of your conviction record and dogged reputation for tearing people apart limb from limb without mercy, but it was another to have your boss throw it casually in your face as if it were nothing. As if the entire time he had sacrificed in Brooklyn at their behest meant nothing, bouncing around sex crimes, vice, and homicide, calculating sex, money, and murder like it was a game instead of the lives of so many people hanging in the balance.

He needed more. He craved, desired to do good in the world, wanted to reach out and grab it with both hands and not let go. But to do that meant leaving the shallows behind and going into the deeper waters.

Fortunately when he got to Olivia's building, someone was heading inside and held the door for him. "Elevator's fixed," they told him, too, gesturing at the door before disappearing into a ground floor apartment. He sent up a prayer of thanks and headed up to the 12th floor and knocked on her door.

She appeared a minute later, hair still wet and wavy from the shower, droplets of water clinging to her skin in places. She was wearing a NYPD sweatshirt and leggings and her feet were bare, giving him a glimpse of her toenails – painted a dark wine red. "Hi," Olivia murmured, leaning against the doorframe. "Come in?"

"I think I'd better or your neighbors will start to wonder," he quipped.

"Marge is used to me coming and going at odd hours," she said, standing back so he could come in. "How was your day?"

"Fine." It was a lie but she didn't need to know the truth. "Yours?"

"We caught a case," she said, "but Fin and Rollins are on it."

He nodded. "Okay then."

"So I have menus for literally every place in a six block radius," she said, "so just tell me what you're in the mood for and –"

Rafael couldn't help himself. There was something so utterly endearing and adorable about the way she assumed that he wasn't exactly the same way for the same reasons that made him want to kiss her in that moment. So he did. He gently cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to press a kiss to her lips, humming lightly when her finger hooked into his beltloop and held on tightly, and her mouth opened beneath his.

He could feel her melting against him, the lithe, lean muscles of her frame a contrast to his, the warmth of her breasts against his chest – the sudden knowledge that she wasn't wearing a bra. He broke the kiss and pulled back, breathing deeply, closing his eyes. "You just want pizza?" he asked.

She was staring at him like the world had shifted on its axis but made no move to pull away from him. He found it strange that for someone who claimed to hate to be touched, she didn't seem to mind him being in her space that much, but he wasn't going to point it out lest she be skittish. "Pizza is always good," Olivia said. "Rafael – what – why did you – why did you kiss me?"

"No reason," he said with a small smile. "Just you being you." He leaned back in and gave her another quick kiss. "What do you want on the pizza?"

"Maybe just a margherita?" she suggested. "Keep it simple."

"Good idea," he agreed. "Should I run downstairs and grab a bottle of wine?"

"The one thing I always have is wine," she joked, grabbing her phone and putting in the pizza order. Once she hung up she said, "It'll be about an hour."

"It's fine," he dismissed. "Let's sit down and relax. I know you haven't been able to do any of that for the last few days."

She sighed and followed him out to the sofa, flopping down like a rag doll in his embrace. "Yeah," she agreed. "I had therapy tonight."

"How did that go?"

Olivia shrugged. "We talked about you. How I feel about starting a relationship. How scared I am I'm going to fuck it all up like I did with Brian."

Rafael's brow creased. "I thought you said he left you."

"He did."

"After you went through an incredible trauma."

"Yeah."

"How did you fuck it up?"

She frowned. "I'm not sure I should be talking about this with you."

"I'm just really confused here as to why you think his defection has anything to do with your ability to hold a relationship together," Rafael said softly. "Or why you think I would be like him."

"I pushed him away," Olivia said. "I didn't want him to look at me and see what Lewis did to me, so I… didn't let him near me. But he wanted to have sex. And I didn't. I felt… pressured and manipulated into having sex again when I wasn't ready and my nightmares and some of my other issues got worse. I got pregnant, he lost his shit and left." She hesitated a moment and whispered, "He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose just to spite him because I knew he didn't want kids ever. But he was the one that refused to use protection and I wasn't exactly in a fit state to –"

"Olivia, he sexually assaulted you," Rafael said, his voice soft with pain for her. "It could even be framed as rape with the right prosecutor if –"

"No," she cut him off curtly. "Believe me, I've been down that road with the squad and my Captain already and I can't put myself through –" She took a deep, ragged breath. "I've closed the book on Brian Cassidy. I hope to god I never see him again." Olivia glared at him. "And you can stop looking at me with pity now. I don't want your pity, Barba. Not for that: not for him."

"I don't pity you," Rafael countered. "I also don't see why you think you failed in that relationship when, clearly, he was the one who lost control and bailed. Sex is the least important part of –"

"So you don't want to have sex with me."

"I didn't say that at all," he scoffed. "But I am a grown ass adult and can control my urges."

Her lip curled into a sneer. "Pity."

"Sergeant, were you just propositioning me?"

"Does the shoe fit?"

He was suddenly speechless. "I – Olivia –"

"I am tired," she began, her voice low and full of force, "of sitting here, allowing my trauma to control me. I trust you. I don't know why, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth."

"Maybe we should wait till you're healed up from your surgery to –"

She smiled wanly. "Nah, you're going to hate me by then. I won't be at all surprised if you're gone by the end of the first week. And it's fine."

"Oh ye of little faith," he said, nudging her in the side. "You don't think we're rushing things a little bit?"

She turned and looked at him. "I don't care anymore what anyone else thinks. Only what you and I think. It's just us in this, right?"

He quirked a smile. "Yes."

"I spend too much time overthinking things since…" She paused and took a deep breath. "I just want to let go and be free for a while."

"Okay," he said softly. "Was that a breakthrough you had in therapy?"

"No," she said. "Lindstrom was afraid that I'm rushing into something I'm not at all ready to deal with and I tuned him out." She gave him a little smile. "How's that for impulsive?"

Rafael gave her another soft kiss. "Very," he agreed. Privately, he reminded himself that his abuelita would rise up from the grave and beat his ass with a stick if he did anything to hurt Olivia. She was 100% in control.

Now if only he could get the rest of his body in line with that train of thought, all would be well.

TBC...