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AIRA - I would like to inform you that I'm a working girl and fanfiction is only a hobby for me. I know waiting for the next chapter is difficult because I read fanfiction, too, but you are not inspiring me by calling me a killjoy when I don't update. We, writers, have a life, too, outside fanfiction. Also, I don't want to just upload a mediocre chapter just for the mere purpose of updating. I try to do my best and upload the best I can give you guys. Thank you…now here's the chapter you've been waiting for.

MIXED EMOTIONS

Chapter 14: JUST HOLD ON…

I smiled but shook my head at them, making them groan.

"Don't worry about me guys. You go on, I'll be alright," I said.

"But Keiko –"

"Besides, I need to help otousan in the ramen house," I added.

Mari pouted at me while Aren rolled her eyes. "That's all you do, Keiko. Teach, go home, and help your father in the ramen house. I mean, don't you want to get married?" Aren asked.

An image of your smiling face entered my mind, but like what I've done for the past years, I quickly shoved it away. Instead, I chuckled.

"What does marriage has to do with me not attending tonight's party?" I asked as I looked at the stack of papers on my desk.

"The party has everything to do with marriage. What if your future husband would be at the party tonight? If you don't attend –"

I slowly shook my head. "I'm not going, alright? I'm not going to meet my husband in that party. Besides, I've got loads of paper to check. The students' grades are due on Monday, you know."

Mari blew on her bangs. "You're hopeless. Really pathetic."

I chuckled. "Mari –"

"Look, you should get over Omi already. It's almost half a year, for Christ's sake," she said, irritated.

The smile instantly vanished from my face as his name was mentioned. My dearest Omi. "I am so over him, Mari," I said, my voice dropping to only above a whisper.

Aren rolled her eyes. "For someone who's over him, you surely sound indifferent at the mere mention of his name."

I smiled weakly. "I really am over him, you know," I said.

Of course, I could not not get over a person I never really loved.

Right?

--FLASHBACK—

I sat beside him and looked at him nervously. "Hi! What is it that you want to talk to me about?"

Omi sighed and lay down on the clearing and looked at the stars. Then, he sighed heavily.

I looked at him worriedly. "Omi, is there something wrong?"

He looked at me, then looked at the stars again. "No. Nothing's wrong."

"Then, why this?" I asked and bit my lower lip. Please, don't make him propose to me, I chanted.

"Keiko, we've been dating for more than two years already," he began and I grew more nervous than I already am.

If he propose to me, I would have to turn him down, that I am sure. But I would hate breaking his heart.

So, please let him not do it.

I didn't notice that he paused and waited for me to acknowledge it for awhile.

But when a few seconds had passed in silence, "Go on," I said.

"Well, there are only two directions in every relationship. If I ask you to marry me –"

"Please don't," I interrupted him and my eyes filled with tears when I looked at his eyes. "I can't…don't do this to me, Omi."

He smiled weakly at me, "I know if I ask you to marry me, you would say no."

I looked at him in surprise, halting my tears from falling.

"It's still him, huh? I don't really know what happened to him, why he disappeared or where he went. All I know is that, after all these years, even when he's not here, it's still him inside you."

I looked down as tears fell, cascading like rainfall from my eyes. I wanted to lie, say that he's wrong.

That I've forgotten about you and I've learned to love him. But I know he could easily see through it.

"It's still him you're wanting, needing, craving and waiting for," he told me.

And he was right.

I thought the years would make me forget. The time would heal me from this affliction.

But I was wrong.

Everyday was a day shorter towards your return. Every love songs and romance movies were all about you. Every smile that escapes me belonged still to you.

And my lips would forever burn for that kiss.

I would be lying if I say that I'd forgotten about that kiss because of the number of kisses Omi had given me.

Omi's kisses had always been less romantic, less passionate, less hungry and less soul-wrenching than that one kiss we shared.

And it will always remain that way.

"I'm so sorry," I mumbled but he shook his head.

"Don't be sorry, Keiko. I'm not. Knowing you would forever be my pleasure. And I'm so sorry for being so damn stupid when I thought that I would be able to shift your love for him to me," he said, once again taking the blame that rightfully belonged to me.

He chuckled bitterly that I had to stop myself from whimpering, "I don't know how he did it. You know, how he made you love him that much. But I know I won't be able to take it from him ever."

A pause.

"So, I'll return you to him and return your heart to where it rightfully belongs," he finished and he looked at me, eyes glistening in tears.

I looked at him in shock, "Omi –"

He looked at me almost painfully, "Don't. Just don't say anything, Keiko. I love what we had and I had been happy. Now, it's time to let you go and let you look for your own happiness. Goodbye," and with that, he stood up and left.

--END OF FLASHBACK—

No one else besides the two of us knew the real reason why we broke up. To everyone in my school, the faculty I work with, the colleagues in his company, we were the perfect couple.

They were just waiting for us to get married.

We broke up instead.

And they treated it as a big tragedy of our life.

Omi and I, we never saw each other again after that night. And it was for the best.

I know I hurt him for not being able to love him. I cared for him, I still do, but it was never enough. I know that now.

"Keiko –"

"Mari, please. I know what I'm doing. You might think I'm wallowing in self-pity but I'm not – I'm not pining for Omi anymore. You should at least trust me on that," I said.

Aren sighed deeply. "All right. If that's what you want. But don't forget, if ever you need someone to talk to, we're here for you, Kei."

I stiffened and swallowed hard at the mention of my nickname that I had a hard time controlling myself.

It's been almost three years since a certain someone called me Kei.

"Thanks, guys," I said and nodded weakly at them.

Aren turned and left, with Mari following closely behind. "She's lying, Aren," I heard her say, "it's not difficult to see the pain and longing in her eyes. And it's scaring me."

"Yeah, I know," Aren said before they completely exited the room.

--CHANGE OF POV—

"Three years, Kei. You promised me," I said helplessly, tears streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry, Yuusuke," you said sadly, your ring finger wearing what I know was a wedding band.

"I love you, Keiko, you –"

"You should have told me that years ago," you said, eyes looking sad as your figure moved farther from me.

"Don't leave me, I can't live without you," I yelled, exerting every effort I can, I ran after you and continued to cry when you seemed to be getting further and further away.

Then, Omi appeared and put his arm around you and disappeared completely from my sight.

"Keikp – no!" I gasped as I woke up suddenly, sitting up, my body drenched with sweat.

My cheeks wet with tears.

I sighed deeply as I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.

And then a sob escaped from me.

A sob so helpless, it matched the fear I felt inside. The fear of losing you.

And then another. And another.

And before I knew it, I broke down, crying, hugging my pillow tightly, as if it could lessen the longing I was feeling.

When all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms.

Those nightmares, they began just two months ago. You marrying Zekuna and leaving me.

And no matter how fast I run, I can't seem to catch up. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get you back.

I love you, Keiko, my mind screamed, hoping it would reach you, hoping it would make you keep your promise to me.

Please, give me a chance to fight. Give me a chance to win you from him. I beg you, Keiko.

I beg you.

--FLASHBACK—

I sank to the ground, my back flat against the cold ground as I stared at the dark, gray clouds.

Not a single star can be seen.

Unconsciously, my hand went to my lips and sighed.

Naturally, our kiss wasn't my first kiss. Though you might think otherwise, I've had my own share of sexual escapades with women.

And I've proven that not all first kisses are memorable.

First kisses ought to be memorable, or so they say. But not in my case. I can't even remember the feeling, the intensity of my first kiss.

But that kiss we shared – it was as if I haven't been kissed before – erasing all the other intimacy I shared with other women.

That was the only kiss that almost brought me to my knees.

And at first, I was jealous. Omi had taught you well how to kiss a man just right.

But no, after a few days, I had to contradict myself.

That kiss we shared was too spontaneous, too soul-baring and too honest to be assumed as trained.

In that kiss, you poured your desperation for me to not leave you. For me to stay.

"You need to eat," Enki suddenly appeared and tossed me a piece of bread.

I nodded as I munched the hard bread, not really aware of the strange looks he'd been giving me.

"You're not yourself again," he said and stretched his arms.

I looked at him strangely and resumed eating, then glanced at my body. I was once again black and blue from training.

I haven't really told you what Koenma ordered me to do, have I?

Well, then, let me tell you. There was some trouble brewing under Enki's rule here in Makai and because of that, I was sent by Reikai to offer some sort of assistance.

It took a year to do that. And another two years for a whole new training. Genkai-baasan has nothing to teach me. I've learned everything a ningen can offer me.

So I had to train hard in the other world – Makai. Where the youkai are experts when it comes to war. Be ready in every possible way of attack from every possible enemy.

"You need to rest well tonight. Our training tomorrow involves controlling the mind," Enki spoke suddenly before rising and left me.

I sighed and though against my will, I stood up to head for my room to rest.

--END OF FLASHBACK—

Four months had passed since that night. And I know Enki was getting worried each day, especially when I started having those nightmares.

But I know he couldn't very well ask me what was going on with me – such matters simply weren't discussed by two powerful warriors.

And so, he let me on my own during those remaining weeks.

But now, I think I felt too much, hurt too much, and cried too loud that he heard me.

As I poured my heart and soul with my tears, the door was suddenly opened and entered the huge form of Enki, powerful leader of Makai.

I looked at him straight in the eye, a likeness of a pitiful child left by his parents, not feeling even a twinge of embarrassment for seeing me in tears.

Because for me, crying for you is not some sort of weakness. Instead, it is a form of strength – letting everyone to know that I am strong enough to love you, strong enough to risk giving my heart and soul to you – giving you so much power to hurt me and break me down.

Strong enough to cry out and reach for you.

I saw him – his expression changed from worry to surprise.

Then hesitation.

Yes, the great, powerful leader of Makai, known for being notorious and fearless when facing an enemy, having been a friend of my otousan, hesitated in approaching a man drowning in emotion.

Yes, for all the power and strength a warrior youko possessed, he lacked the ability to feel the softer emotions.

The ability to feel happiness.

Comfort.

Love.

Yes, Makai warriors had the strength, but not the emotions.

I have both.

"Lad –"

"Don't even try offering me any form of comfort we both know you are incapable of giving," I told him quietly, "just let me know if I'm being too noisy that I'm disturbing you already or tell me what time I need to be in the training ground tomorrow morning."

Enki cleared his throat, "I just want to tell you that I have nothing left to teach you. You've mastered our craft. You may choose to return to Ningenkai whenever you want."

And then he left me – staring at the spot where he was a few seconds ago.

And though he did not give me any sort of comfort, did not offer me any sort of advice, he had given me what I've wanted the most.

He made me content.

--CHANGE OF POV—

I waved at otousan before walking away from our home and going to work. But then, I haven't walked a block when a big smile found its way on my face.

"How are you?" I asked brightly and giggled when he hugged me.

If ever possible, he looked more handsome now.

"I'm fine, Keiko. And you?" Kurama asked, still not losing the ever polite tone.

"I'm coping, thank you," I said honestly, my smile wavering a little.

"Are you really?"

"Yeah," I said. "So, what brings you here? Any news from him?"

"Nothing," he said and my smile wavered a little more, leaving only a weak one. "I just wanna know how you're doing. You know, it's been so long since we've last seen each other."

"Yeah, well, that's right," I said, knowing I'm not really making any sense right now. "I'm doing quite well. Better than I expected, really."

"That's good," he said and I caught him looking at my hand.

"I'm not yet married, Kurama, if that's what it meant," I said, referring to his glances, and laughed.

He blushed. "Err, right. Just checking for a friend, you know. (I laughed at that) Well, off you go. I don't want you to be late for work."

"Okay. Bye!"

--CHANGE OF POV—

"There. She's not married. Are you happy now?" he said and glared at me.

I grinned at him and it only annoyed him.

"Why didn't you just go and ask her about it? I looked like an idiot back there."

"I want to surprise her," I told him and grinned.

"Baka." Kurama said and scowled at me.

Author's Note: Thank you guys for reading…next chapter in a few…and while you're all waiting, why don't you guys be a dear and drop me a review?

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