At ten o'clock the next morning the soft knocking on my door alerted me to the arrival of Chandler.
"Hi."
"Hey, ready to go?" I asked, reaching for my backpack.
"Yup," he answered, waiting as I locked the door. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see," I answered, cryptically.
"How long have you know this Kane guy?" he continued.
"Almost four years. He's like a little brother to me," I said as we walked.
"We aren't taking a cab?" he asked, glancing at the passing cars.
"You that lazy, Chan?" I teased.
"No," he laughed, moving closer to me. "So what did you mean by little brother?"
"I mean smaller and younger than me."
"How small and how young?" he pressed.
"He's seven and about two and a half feet shorter than me," I laughed, nudging his with my shoulder. "No need to be jealous," I joked.
"I'm not jealous," he argued. "Just curious."
"Sure you are. I saw that look in your eyes. You were worried you were going to have to compete for attention. Well you are going to, I love him," I confessed smiling as we turned a corner.
"Stealing all the hearts, Joey?" he teased.
"Always, Jack Daniels. Always," I answered, smiling as we started up some steps to a small brick building.
"Where are we?"
"It's a school for the deaf," I answered, pushing open the door.
"A what?" he asked, following me in.
"Sydney," I called out, ignoring him for a moment. "A school for the deaf," I repeated, looking at him.
"I'm confused."
"Alex was deaf, Chandler. We met in sign language class. He was the teacher's assistant. Kane is deaf as well. I've been coming here on my days off for the last four years ever since Alex died. I spend time with the kids but mostly with Kane," I explained just as a beautiful blonde walked into the room.
"Hello, Joey," she greeted me. I smiled and hugged her quickly.
"Sydney Ryan, this is my friend Chandler Bing. Chandler, Sydney runs the school," I said, introducing the two.
"Have you known Joey long?" Sydney asked, shaking his hand.
"We're getting there," he answered, glancing at me.
"Do you sign?"
"Not a bit. This whole thing has come as a surprise to me," he said, shrugging slightly with an innocent look on his face.
"Joey?" she asked, looking at me with questioning eyes.
"I thought Chandler needed a glimpse at what it's like to really be missing something," I answered. "Where's Kane?"
"In the library," she said, smiling as I pulled Chandler past her and down the hall.
"Joey, what are we doing here?" Chandler asked me.
"You've lost something precious and you think life will never be anything but dark now. I want you to see what it's like to never have something so precious and still see the light," I answered, walking into the library.
The little redhead sitting at the table was bent over a book of pictures as he slowly turned page after page. Carefully, I approached him. When he looked up his face lit up with a smile.
"Joey," he cried out, his words muffled and strange to most people's ears. To mine, it was more beautiful then music.
"Hello, Red," I signed and spoke at the same time.
"Look. I got a new book yesterday," he said, his words coming just as quickly as he moved his hands.
"Kane, wait. I want you to meet a friend of mine. Kane, this is Chandler. He needs a couple of friends like us. Chandler, this is Kane," I said, pulling the man with me forward and introducing the two with my words as well as my hands.
"What do I do? I can't sign," Chandler said, his voice panicked as he spoke to me. I looked into his blue eyes to see the fear and concern for his image and for the boy in front of him. "I don't know what to do."
"I can read lips too," Kane interrupted. "You don't have to sign," he explained. "Just look at me when you talk."
"Um, alright," Chandler stuttered.
"Are you Joey's boyfriend?" Kane asked, staring up at Chandler with big green eyes filled with questions and innocence.
"No, just a friend," Chandler answered, smiling at the little boy.
"He's mine too," Kane answered, as he took my hand and Chandler's and pulled us toward the table to look at the book.
Chandler looked over Kane's head at me and grinned.
"Thank you, Joey," the little boy whispered, his voice so different than what I heard on a daily basis.
"For what, Kane?" I asked, smoothing his hair back.
"For being my friend," he said, turning sleepy eyes toward Chandler. "Thanks, Chandler."
"For what, kiddo?" Chandler asked, holding the boy's hand.
"For coming and for being my new friend." And with those softly spoken words Kane drifted off into a world of beautiful dreams.
Quietly, Chandler and I made our way out of the room. I bid Sydney a quick good-bye as we slipped out of the school.
Outside on the street, Chandler took my hand and hailed a cab.
"Chandler, we don't need this. I live right around the corner," I argued, shaking my head.
"I need to go somewhere and the walk is too far. Please, Joey," he begged and I saw the anguish once again in his blue eyes.
I could always see his heart in his eyes.
As we climbed into the cab he held my hand tightly and it scared me.
"Chandler, are you all right?" I asked quietly.
"I don't know. I just don't know anymore, Joey. One minute I think my life with be filled with this emptiness, the pain forever. The next I think maybe, just maybe I'll be okay again. Then suddenly the pain takes over again and I feel like I'm drowning in it," he answered. He looked at me suddenly with questioning eyes. "Why did you take me there? Why did you let me meet Kane?"
"He's had a life filled with silence. He hears with the motion of hands, the vibrations of sound. He'll never hear someone laugh, the sound of his mother's voice, a song, a cry, a story, or a movie. He'll never hear the things we take for granted so much. He knows he never will, yet he's found this ability, this light in his own darkness that lets him live life in a way most people never understand or dream of. He's never heard a single sound, Chandler, but his life is filled with so much beautiful music, so many wonderful sounds that he hears his way. You've loved a woman and lost her. I wanted you to see that your life will always be filled with her. You just have to learn to hear her your way," I said, squeezing his hand gently.
He turned away from me and stared at the window as we rode through the blackened city. I could feel the emotions swirling through him, his struggle, his questions, his fight to find his life again, to remember her love.
I turned to look out the window and tried to place where we were and where we were going. One turn led to another and before long I had figured out just where we were pulling up finally.
Chandler opened his door and gently pulled me out. Holding tightly to my hand as if afraid I would disappear or that he would, we made our way through the darkened cemetery.
I know walking through a cemetery at night sounds terrifying and freaky to most people but I found a sense of peace in walking through it will Chandler. It wasn't a place filled with terror of the undead reaching out and grabbing you. It was a place of peace, of resting. It didn't scare me. Made me sad sometimes, but never scared me.
We stopped in front of small stone and Chandler pulled me with him as he knelt in the grass.
"Her name was Monica Geller when I met her. Ross was my college roommate, that's how I met her. Once we graduated, I ended up getting an apartment across the hall from hers. I had the best time with her those first few years, I was always afraid to tell her how I felt though. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but before I worked up enough courage to tell her, she ended up with Richard. I knew after only a few weeks of their relationship, I had lost my chance."
I peered at the words engraved in the moonlight as I knelt beside my brokenhearted friend.
So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms
"I know those words. That's that song from Journey, isn't it?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, it was their song. It defined them. We all knew as soon as she did. I'll never forget that day. She never hid her illness, never denied she was dying. She always said she wasn't dying. She was just going to die sooner than she had originally planned. She lived till the very end and she loved so much. Through it all I wondered why she didn't love me like she loved Richard. Why did I love her so much when she was so in love with him?" he asked.
I wondered if he was speaking to a higher power or me or was he simply asking Monica for the answer his heart craved.
"I held her one night when Richard let her down. They were fighting over having a baby, the baby she wanted so much. I wanted more than anything to give her that baby, to promise her no matter what she would have a child before her time ended. I held her that night and I promised her no matter what I would always be there, I would always love her. He kept hurting her and yet she kept loving him. Why? Why did she always go back to him when I was the one who could have given her the world?" he begged and I heard the tears in his voice. I looked up at him and saw them streaming down his face as he released his pain and anger finally.
"Why, Monica? Why did you always go back to him when I was the one who always held your hand, who always stood by you?" he cried, lying down on the grass next to Monica's grave.
I leaned over him and ran my hand through his hair as he cried. It was time.
His tears continued, his sobs wracking his body as he shook on the cool ground, and I held him as he began to finally find his release.
"You broke my heart, Monica. Why, if you loved me so much, would you do that to me?" he sobbed.
I held him in my arms as he came to terms with the emotions that haunted the demons within him. They were what caused the nightmares, what broke his heart. He didn't mourn her loss. He had known she was going to die. Her death he could accept. What he mourned was the loss of her heart; the love he felt should have been his. He cried for the betrayal, for the confusion that was left behind in losing her.
"Why, Joey?" he whispered finally. "Why did she do that to me?" he asked, turning his red, tear-filled eyes up to me.
My heart twisted and broke as the pain in those eyes. So much pain, so much confusion. It just wasn't right.
"Because no matter how much he hurt her, how much they hurt each other they were meant to be, Chandler. He was her soul mate, the other half of her heart. They belonged together," I answered, running a soothing hand through his hair as I held him as if he were a child.
"Why though? Why did they belong together when he hurt her so much?" he pressed, his eyes still filled with the urge to understand why his pain wasn't as important as what Richard and Monica had gone through.
"Because no matter how often he hurt her or her him they completed each other. They just needed a few chances to figure it out. Remember, we get all the chances we need till we get it right. They needed a lot, but they finally got it right. Didn't they? When Monica died did they love each other completely? Did they love each other and fulfill all their dreams?"
"Yes," he whispered, turning his eyes away in defeat.
"You think you lost her though. Now you think because you understand you've really lost her?" I asked quietly. I turned his face gently so he looked up at me again. "Oh, Chandler," I whispered upon seeing his eyes.
"She was never here for me to love if she was always his," he whispered.
"No, Chandler. She was here for you to love to. She was yours as well as his just in a different way. Don't you understand? You were meant to love her as much as she loved you. It's the circle of life, to love and be loved by each person in your life. She was here and she'll always be here. Loving you and being loved by you. She wasn't your soul mate, your other half, Chandler, but someone is. Monica will be here with you always to love you when you fall in love with the right person and to love you when you hurt. She'll always love you, Chandler," I promised him.
"How can she love me if she was his?" he asked me.
"Because she was yours too. She was yours and Ross's and Rachel's and Phoebe's. She's Gabriel's and Star's. She belongs to all the people who love her, who loved her in life and who will love her forever. Just like you'll belong to all the people who love you when you go. We aren't complete without the people who love us, Jack Daniels. You completed Monica and she completed you," I answered, touching his face, wiping away the tears that slid down his face.
He stared up at me for a few minutes before turning away to stare at her gravestone once again.
Pain. It was such an odd thing. The word brought thoughts of physical pain, the kind that caused blood and bruises, that left physical evidence on your body to prove you had been hurt. Sometimes it left scars, sometimes they healed and disappeared. Then there was emotional pain. Most people don't think of it the same way. It's an emotion, something felt in the heart, but not in the body. That wasn't true though. When your heart hurts your body hurts too. It was as physical as a broken bone, emotional pain. It cut through you, made you sick, weakened you, tore you apart, and could slowly kill you if you let it. It was a dangerous as any physical pain you could imagine. Maybe even more so.
His steady breathing alerted me to the fact that he had fallen asleep. For a brief moment I wondered about waking him but decided not too. His emotions had exhausted him. He needed his rest. I needed mine I realized as my eyes began to droop. His emotions wore him out but trying to help him figure them out had worn me out as well I thought as I drifted off to sleep.