Chapter 16
What if we could take everything we said back?
Take me to the day, the day before it went bad.
We could start from the top before we were hopeless.
I'd be lying if I wasn't hoping.
-"Say Amen" by American Authors
Tony Stark was definitely not on a bender. And he was definitely not avoiding everyone. And he was definitely not putting off making a certain call to a certain man who wore spangly pajama pants on purpose.
He was humming along to his music as he tinkered. DUM-E kept gently nudging him, but he was ignoring the robot. He wasn't sure how long he'd been in his workshop, but he'd fallen into the groove. The kinda groove where he was either about to invent something fucking amazing or blow something up. Most likely the former though. That's why he was ignoring Pepper's calls and Happy's calls and Rhodey's calls and fucking Ross' calls. He was pretty sure the world wasn't ending. They could wait.
Ross was probably calling because some of the footage of Wanda on The Raft had been leaked to the press. Tony had no idea how that had happened. He'd been widely photographed at a party at the time of the leak. He was pretty damn good at hacking, but even he would have trouble hacking into The Raft and leaking files while he was swinging on a giant glittery swing with a very flexible trapeze artist's tongue in his ear. The media was having a hay day crucifying Ross over the torture Wanda went through. Several internal investigations had been launched. Most of the guards at The Raft had been fired and arrested. Ross himself was on house arrest until the investigation wrapped up and he was as mad as a hornet about it.
Pepper was probably calling about the photos of said trapeze artist's tongue in his ear.
Happy and Rhodey were most likely calling because Pepper told them he wasn't answering. Tony estimated he had about 2-6 more hours before Rhodey was pounding his fist on the workshop door. Happy had already tried several times, sounding increasingly more frustrated each time, but Tony was on the edge of a major breakthrough. Why didn't anyone understand that?
God, he missed Bruce. Bruce would understand. He'd never thought he would come to enjoy sharing his workspace with another person, but Bruce had been so brilliant and quietly funny. Really it was just his dumb fucking luck that Bruce and Pepper would leave him at basically the same time. Now it was just him and Vision and Happy bouncing around the giant Avenger's compound. Rhodey stayed as often as he could, but he had to be away for work more often than not. If only he'd been able to convince Spider-Kid to move up here, but for some reason Peter was just bound and determined to finish highschool. Fury had stolen Maria Hill back and Thor was still in Asgard and, well, everyone else had vanished.
"So glad I spent all this money to build the Avengers a state of the art facility." He muttered to himself.
A heavy fist crashed into his workshop door, making him jump. "Tony, open this door right fucking now!"
He glanced at the clock, forgetting for the hundredth time that the battery had died and it was permanently stuck on 2:04. Why did he even have such an antiquated clock in his workshop? He could think of about a dozen better power sources than a AA battery.
"Tony!"
Right. He rolled himself out from under his project and got to his feet. Rhodey was early. Or maybe he'd really lost track of time. As he stood, the entire room swayed and he had to grab the workbench to keep his balance. Ok. Maybe he'd kinda lost track of time. He wasn't sure when the last time he'd eaten or drank anything that wasn't amber colored was. Where was FRIDAY? Oh, right. He'd muted her cause she kept pestering him to answer calls and eat something.
"FRIDAY?" He called wearily.
"Boss."
Was it his imagination or did the AI's voice sound frosty.
"Uh, what time is it?"
"It's 4:39 in the afternoon of Wednesday, October 12th." She said snippily.
Tony winced. Wednesday. So the party was four days ago. That wasn't great.
"Tony, I swear to god, if you don't open this door right now I will blast it off its hinges."
He winced again, rubbing his head where a dull headache was pounding in his temples. "God, Mama Bear, hold on a second will you?"
"Oh so you are alive in there. Guess I'll cancel the hearse."
Tony stumbled unsteadily to the door and wrenched it open. Rhodey was standing there, arms crossed, a fierce glare on his face.
"Never mind, I think I do need that hearse since a goddamn skeleton just answered the door."
"Just working on my Halloween costume." Tony tried for a snarky smile.
"Tony, when was the last time you ate something?" Rhodey muscled his way into the workshop, his leg braces whirring softly, and grabbed Tony's arm, steering him towards a seat.
"Monday, October 10th." FRIDAY answered, and yeah her tone was definitely frosty.
"Jesus Christ, man." Rhodey exclaimed, looking both furious and concerned. "FRIDAY, can you have some food delivered? Something kinda bland and fast."
"Right away, Colonel Rhodes." The AI replied.
Tony sank into the seat Rhodey was pushing him into and tried to glare at his friend. "Alright, Mother Hen, chill out a little."
Rhodey crossed his arms again. "No. You don't get to do that. You made Pepper cry she was so worried about you. Happy was this close to calling the police for a wellness check. Even Peter was trying to get a hold of you. And the whole thing with The Raft is blowing up. Ross is under house arrest, did you know that? Have you seen that footage of Wanda?"
Tony felt himself deflate. "Yeah. I've seen it."
Rhodey knelt down, the leg braces whining softly at the movement, and his angry expression softened somewhat. "That was pretty fucked up, what they did to her."
Tony couldn't meet his eyes. "To put it lightly."
"Tony, it's not your fault."
"Don't do that." Tony felt fury straighten his spine as he glared at Rhodes. "Don't lie to try and make me feel better. I hand delivered them to Ross. This is on me."
"This is on Ross." Rhodey argued gently. "You were trying to follow the Accords. You couldn't have known that Ross would torture Wanda like that."
"I should have noticed that the Accords had a lot of convenient loopholes when it came to the rights of 'enhanced individuals.'" Tony snapped.
Rhodey sighed wearily and pulled up another chair for himself to sink into. "Well, that's not just on you, alright. I read the Accords before I signed. This is not something I ever foresaw happening. Same with most of the U.N. They called an emergency meeting about the Accords. There's protests happening everywhere."
"Good."
Rhodey eyed him with a knowing look. "I'm not gonna ask if it was you."
"Haven't you seen the pictures? I was at a party with-"
"Yeah. I've seen them. I didn't know people could even bend like that."
Tony cracked a brief smile, but it faded quickly. "Pepper cried?"
"Yeah, man. You really scared her. I think all this reminded her of how you used to be, before the Avengers."
Tony drummed his fingers on the workbench and didn't answer.
"Food will arrive in approximately 6 minutes." FRIDAY announced.
"Come on, let's go upstairs and get you cleaned up a little." Rhodey stood and offered his hand.
The buzzing on the workbench startled both of them. They both looked down at the plain little flip phone buzzing on the table. Tony's heart started pounding faster. Rhodey looked confused.
"What is-" Rhodey started, but Tony interrupted him by snatching the phone and answering the call.
"Hello?" He said in what he hoped was a calm, collected voice.
There was a slight pause, then,
"Hey Tony." Said Steve.
Steve shifted anxiously on his feet, waiting for Tony to answer. Beside him, Sam was a quiet steady presence. Bucky was restlessly pacing the room like he'd been doing for days. Steve was surprised there wasn't a path worn in the carpet yet.
"Hello?"
Steve winced. The man sounded rough. He felt an overwhelming tidal wave of guilt for everything he'd put Tony through. He wouldn't have changed everything if he had to do it again. His primary goal would still have been to keep Bucky from being murdered by the German SWAT team or by the Black Panther or by Tony. He wouldn't apologize for fighting to keep his best friend alive. But if he could do it again, he'd try his damndest to communicate better with Tony and absolutely not leave him badly injured in a Siberian bunker.
"Hey Tony." He said.
"This better not be a booty call." Tony was trying to sound flippant, but there was an undercurrent of exhaustion in the man's tone.
"I'm sorry, I know I gave you this phone in case you needed to contact me, but well, I need your help."
Tony made an incredulous noise. "You must be pretty desperate if you're calling me."
"Well, honestly, it's not me that needs help. It's Wanda."
There was a long pause. The news had blown up the last couple days with leaked footage of Wanda on The Raft. Steve was positive that Vision and Tony were somehow responsible. Bucky was positive that meant Wanda and his interaction with Vision had been real. It had given Steve a little bit of hope that Tony could be an ally in helping them find Wanda.
"I'm listening." Tony finally said.
Steve wasn't sure if it was a good sign or a bad sign that Tony wasn't cracking a joke. He swallowed hard.
"Wanda's been kidnapped by Hydra." He cut straight to the chase. "We have very limited resources and we've exhausted all of them trying to find where they took her. It's been five days."
"Kidnapped?" Tony asked sharply. "You sure about that?"
Steve bristled. "What are you implying?"
"Look, Cap, all I'm saying is she was working for Hydra when we found her. Maybe she just wanted to go back."
Steve forced himself to take several deep breaths. He didn't look at Bucky, but he could feel the rage emanating from him. Sam put a calming hand on Steve's shoulder.
"I can promise you she did not go willingly." He said tightly.
"I thought we took care of all the remaining Hydra cells."
"Well we apparently missed one. It's Baron Strucker's son, Werner."
"Wow, Hydra really is a family business isn't it? How did we not know he had a son?"
"No one knew. Wanda had never heard of him. I don't remember seeing anything about him having a family in the hard copy files you had. Maybe there was something in the digital files, but Ultron wiped all of those."
"So he was either a well-kept secret or a dirty secret."
Steve paused. He hadn't thought of that. He'd assumed that Strucker had planned this, but maybe Strucker hadn't wanted anything to do with his son.
"He was definitely mad that none of us knew who he was." Steve said.
"Ah. Most likely the dirty kind then." Tony said knowingly.
"He had ten Hydra soldiers, well armed, and an enhanced woman named Agatha Harkness who had powers similar to Wanda's. They grabbed Wanda and teleported."
He heard Tony sigh. "Teleporting? C'mon, Capsicle."
"I don't know what else to call it, Tony. They were there and then the woman made this purple light and chanted something and then they were just gone."
"Was the chant, 'Beam me up, Scottie'?"
"That's a tv show reference." Sam muttered next to him.
"I'm sorry, am I on speaker? " Tony snapped.
"Hey Tony." Sam said evenly.
"Who is that? Birdman?"
"Falcon."
"Same diff."
"This is pointless." Bucky growled.
"Oh good, Jason Bourne's there too!"
There was a scuffling noise and Tony swearing in the background and then a new voice joined the conversation.
"Hey Cap."
"Colonel Rhodes." Steve said, feeling the guilt surge back. "I'm sorry about what happened in Germany. I hope your recovery has been going as smoothly as possible."
"Oh, so Rhodey gets an apology, but I don't?"
"Tony-" Steve tried.
"It's ok, Steve." Rhodes said evenly. "Recovery hasn't been easy, but Tony made me some leg braces that have helped a lot."
"Glad to hear it." Steve said awkwardly.
"Me too." Sam said quietly.
There was a heavy pause. Sam gave him a gentle nudge and a knowing look. Steve nodded silently and took a deep breath.
"Tony, I owe you more than one apology. I should have told you the truth about your parents. That was selfish of me, and I'm sorry. I let my emotions get in the way of having an actual conversation about the Accords, and I'm sorry about that too. I know it probably seemed like I didn't care if the Avengers stayed together, which was probably hurtful. I've never been very good at talking about how I feel. I know I've kept you all at a distance, but I…I'm working on it. I just want you to know that I never wanted this. The Avengers were more than just a team. We were a family. I should have fought harder to keep us together. I've replayed that fight in Siberia over and over in my head and, shit, I never should have let it escalate like that. I was so afraid that you were going to kill Bucky, and I just wanted to stop you, but I went too far. I hurt you and then I just left you there. I'm sure Vision told you that I sent him the coordinates so he could get you, but I shouldn't have left. You could have died in that bunker and it would have been my fault. I…I really fucked up, Tony. I won't apologize for trying to help Bucky and keep him alive, but I am so very sorry for everything I did to hurt you. I know it's a lot to ask, but I hope you can one day forgive me."
Steve managed to wrap up his anxious rambling apology, his heart in his throat. There was a long pause. Sam was giving him a slight smile and a nod, so he must not have done too bad. Bucky was still standing on the other side of the room clenching and unclenching his metal hand, his expression hard to read.
Finally, Tony spoke again, his tone markedly lighter. "Language, Cap."
Steve let out a huff of a laugh, feeling relief wash over him. It wasn't an "I forgive you," but it was progress.
"Alright, so we've got Strucker Jr. and a Purple Witch? Shouldn't be too hard to find." Tony mused.
"You know. Things are pretty chaotic here right now with Ross under house arrest." Rhodes said hesitantly. "Most eyes are on The Raft and Ross. So if we were ever to move some fugitives onto the Compound under the radar, now would be a good time to do so."
Steve met Bucky's hard gaze. "Only if Tony is ok with us being in his home." He said carefully. "Tony, I don't blame you if you'd rather not have me and Sam and Bucky at the Compound."
In the silence, Steve could just imagine the exchange of looks Tony and Rhodes were giving each other right now. Bucky's brow had furrowed, but he wasn't protesting.
"What the hell, let's do it." Tony finally said.
"Tony, are you sure?" Sam cut in.
"We gotta get the band back together if we're going against Hydra again. I don't suppose you have the other Three Stooges there too?"
"Oh that was another thing I was gonna talk to you about, Tony." Rhodes cut in.
"What?" Tony and Steve said at the same time.
"Barton and Lang just turned themselves in to be put on house arrest. No word on Romanoff though. I guess they struck a deal with the government. It wasn't like they could put them back on The Raft now that everything's blowing up." Rhodes explained.
"If we go back to the Compound, Natasha will find us." Steve said confidently, feeling extremely relieved that Scott and Clint had made it back to their families.
"She's probably here already living in my air vents." Tony muttered.
"Give us some coordinates, Steve, and we'll send a quinjet." Rhodes said.
"It's a plan."
As it turned out, the Wakandans weren't the only ones with cloaking abilities on their aircrafts. Tony had invented his own secret version. Steve supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Tony may have signed The Accords, but the Starks had a whole legacy of creating powerful weapons in secret.
Steve, Sam, and Bucky were standing in the clearing where the Wakandan plane had dropped them off. It had been an emotional goodbye with Beatrice. They'd told the elderly woman most of the truth after her kidnapping. Well, she'd demanded it of them so fiercely that Steve genuinely wondered if the woman had a secret history of interrogation. It had been a rough conversation, explaining who they were and why they weren't the terrorists the US Government was making them out to be. Honestly if the woman hadn't practically adopted Wanda as a surrogate daughter, they might have been plum out of luck. As it was, Beatrice had listened, asked hard questions, and done a fair bit of waving various kitchen utensils in their direction, but in the end she'd been on their side. She'd been almost relieved to find out that Father Gauthier had been Hydra ("Je savais que cet homme était mauvais. [I knew that man was evil.]" ) and had seemed genuinely pleased to know that Bucky had killed him ("J'espère qu'il a un peu souffert avant de mourir. [I hope he suffered a little before he died.]" She'd said as she fiercely mixed some cookie dough. "Good Lord." Sam had whispered to Steve, looking both terrified and awestruck). She had sent them off with two dozen madeleine cookies and a dozen chocolate éclairs and made them promise to save some for Wanda. ("Vous trouverez Wanda. [You will find Wanda.]" She'd said sternly, and Steve didn't doubt that Beatrice would hunt them down if they failed to keep that promise).
As the quinjet appeared above them, the cloaking rippling away, Steve hoped desperately for the hundredth time that this was the right decision. He knew he needed to trust Tony, but it was hard to let go of that control. Bucky stood beside him, his hard gaze fixed on the quinjet like he was expecting guns to appear and mow him down at any moment. Steve hoped he'd adequately conveyed how much he appreciated Bucky being willing to come to the Avengers Compound to stay with the man who had tried to kill him. He knew Bucky was doing it for Wanda. They really had exhausted all their options trying to find her from here, even risking breaking into the Sheriff's station to steal the phone that Father Gauthier had used to call Hydra. Of course it was just a lump of melted metal and plastic by the time they got it. Hydra had always excelled at having self-destructs on everything, including their operatives. After that failure, Steve was pretty sure if they didn't take drastic steps to find Wanda soon, Bucky was going to disappear on a one man suicide crusade to get her back.
The quinjet landed and the gangway lowered. Then Colonel Rhodes came walking down the ramp. His gait was a little off, just enough to be slightly unnatural, but he was moving easily. His face broke into a genuine smile.
"Cap. Wilson. Barnes." He greeted them each with a nod.
"Good to see you Colonel." Steve stepped forward and grasped the man's hand in a firm handshake.
"Tony and Vision are in New York City holding an official press conference about the Avenger's response to The Raft incident. We figured it'd be a good way to be extra sure no one was watching the Compound."
Steve nodded. "Smart move."
Rhodes scanned them all curiously. "I like the hair, Cap. Nice beard Wilson." He said lightly. "You need any help loading stuff?"
"This is it." Steve said, gesturing to their backpacks.
"Well let's get moving then." Rhodes said easily, turning and walking back up the ramp.
The ride back to New York was a quiet one. Rhodes made some small talk, but eventually they all fell silent. Bucky stayed in the back of the plane, silent and tense. Sam stayed near him, almost protectively, which surprised Steve in a good way. Sometimes he wasn't sure if those two were best friends or mortal enemies.
"Can I ask you something?" He said quietly to Rhodes as the man piloted the aircraft. "And feel free to tell me if I'm outta line."
"Sure."
"How's Tony been? I mean how's he really been?"
Rhodes was quiet for a while, and Steve wasn't sure if he was going to answer. But then he sighed and scrubbed his forehead with one hand.
"He's been…not great, Steve. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. He's been withdrawn and holed up in his workshop. He's drinking way too much and eating way too little. He doesn't go out much, but when he does it's usually to some billionaire's party where he gets totally wasted and photographed with a bunch of women in intimate positions, which makes Pepper upset." Rhodes shook his head. "He's hurting, man. And I know you said you're bad at talking about your feelings, but I think you've met your match with Tony Stark."
Steve frowned miserably. "That's what I was afraid of. I know we didn't really get off on the best foot, but I think we were something close to friends before the Accords happened. And I really didn't handle that well."
Rhodes gave him a stern look, but it wasn't unkind. "Tony's spent his entire life trying to be enough for everyone. You'd think someone with a literal super genius IQ would have more than enough self-confidence, but not Tony. He puts on a good show, but the man has never really had a strong support system, especially when he needed it."
Steve stared down at his hands. "You know when Fury first briefed me on Tony, he told me not to talk about Howard. Said it was a sore spot. That they never had a good relationship. And I saw that, in little things he said. I could tell that it was hurtful when people compared him to his father, but I just kept doing it. Not out loud, but I think he could still tell."
Rhodes was silent for a while. The sky was dark and clear as they flew above the clouds. The stars were beautiful.
"From what I've gathered, I think you and Tony both knew very different versions of Howard Stark." Rhodes finally said. "The man who Tony knew was cruel and bitter, but he idolized you. He used to spend months searching the Arctic for your plane and missed a lot of holidays and birthdays and important events for Tony while he was at it. Tony grew up knowing you as a sort of older brother that he could never measure up to."
"Fuck." Steve muttered.
Rhodes chuckled. "You know, I like this Steve Rogers. The Steve who swears like a sailor and talks about his feelings. I liked the other one too, but this one is much more relatable."
Steve rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks warm. "Yeah well, when you're friends with a VA trauma counselor, you kinda have to learn how to talk about your feelings."
"Ah so it's Wilson I should be thanking."
"And Wanda, honestly." Steve admitted. "We've all been trying to help her process the trauma she's been through, and in turn she's been kinda helping us with our own."
"Sounds like a good team."
Steve nodded, his mind far away. Wanda had been making so much progress, and now Hydra had her. Who knew what sort of state she was gonna be in when they found her again.
"What Wanda went through was pretty fucked up."
Steve swallowed hard. "I didn't even recognize her at first, she was in such bad shape. She used her powers to retreat into her head to escape the torture. It took almost a week to get her to wake up. And then she just kept having flashbacks and panic attacks."
"That's awful." Rhodes said quietly. He hesitated briefly, then said, "Tony blames himself."
Steve glanced up at him. "Well that's one thing we have in common then." He said bitterly.
"I'll tell you the same thing I told Tony, then. This is on Ross."
"We all failed her, Rhodes." Steve said seriously. "Just because we didn't physically torture her, doesn't mean we aren't all in some way responsible for her ending up on The Raft. But dwelling on it doesn't help her. We just have to do better."
Rhodes seemed to think that over, piloting silently for a while. "Yeah." He finally said. "I think you're right."
James stood in the middle of Wanda's old room at the Avenger's Compound. He couldn't picture her here. The walls were a medium gray and there were lots of windows to let in natural light. There was a guitar on a stand in the corner. It looked brand new. He wondered if she actually played. There were two modern art pieces hanging on either side of the bed that looked like standard hotel art. On a small wheeled cart was a TV and a small collection of sitcoms. He walked slowly over to the row of small windows that spanned the wall her bed was against. There were a couple candles on the sill, a folded origami crane, and a picture frame that had a photo of a little boy with dark hair and brown eyes grinning mischievously at the camera. Pietro. He realized. The entire place was tidy and dust-free, but mostly impersonal.
It didn't feel like her.
He wondered if she hadn't let herself get too attached to this home. Maybe part of her had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. He frowned, carefully picking up the picture of little Pietro. She hadn't been wrong. She'd only lived in her new home for a couple years before it became her prison. He set the photo down gently.
He glanced back at the tv on the cart and frowned. She'd mentioned how much she'd loved watching American sitcoms as a kid. Yet they hadn't even bothered to install a nice tv in her room. It wasn't like Stark didn't have the money. He wondered if it was on purpose or if no one had really bothered to get to know her and make her room really feel like a home.
He glanced outside. It was dark, probably past midnight at this point. But he had another place he needed to see.
Fifteen minutes later with directions from Steve and Sam, he was standing outside in the cold air at the foot of a modest gravestone that read "Pietro Maximoff." Underneath in script it read "Beloved Brother" and "Avenger." He wondered if Wanda had wanted the gravestone in English or if no one had thought to get the stone engraved in Pietro and Wanda's native language. Carefully he laid a single white lily at the base of the gravestone. There had been a big bouquet in the shared kitchen, and he figured Stark wouldn't miss one flower.
"Ahoj Pietro. [Hello Pietro.]" He began a bit awkwardly, pitching his voice low. "Chcel som vzdať úctu. Nie som si istý, či si pamätáte Zimného vojaka. Bol som s tebou a Wandou chvíľu v Sokovii na základni Hydra. [I wanted to pay my respects. I'm not sure if you remember The Winter Soldier. I was with you and Wanda for a while in Sokovia at the Hydra base.]"
He shifted a bit on his feet, his eyes automatically scanning the visible horizon and monitoring for threats. The Compound was on a large plot of land in upstate New York and it was almost as quiet as the Canadian wilderness had been. Pietro's grave was located at the edge of the surrounding woods. It was the only grave. Peaceful, if a bit lonely. Here he could picture Wanda, sitting cross-legged in the grass beside her brother's gravestone. She'd mentioned once that if she wasn't in her room watching tv, she would be outside sitting here alone, talking to Pietro and braiding the long grass together.
"Chcel som ti povedať, že dostanem tvoju sestru späť z Hydry. Nedám pokoj, kým nebude v bezpečí. [I wanted to tell you that I will get your sister back from Hydra. I will not rest until she is safe.]"
His metal hand clenched into a tight fist and he had to work to steady his breathing. He felt like he'd been barely in control of his emotions since Wanda had been taken. The anger, that was familiar. It was the fear that was unsettling. He hadn't been afraid for seventy years. At least not that he remembered. And he was terrified of what Hydra was doing to Wanda.
He closed his eyes, picturing her face, the way her brown eyes warmed like pools of chocolate when she saw him, the light freckles that still dusted her cheeks and nose, her full lips curling into a grin right before she kissed him. He gruffly cleared his throat, blinking away the moisture in his eyes. God he missed her. He wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms right now.
He still felt like he couldn't fully comprehend what she'd done for him. The controls Hydra had put in his head were just gone. Never again could Hydra seize control of his body and use him like their puppet. She'd broken his chains and given him his freedom. He'd never met a woman so brave, so fiercely loyal (he'd wanted to rip out Stark's throat when he insinuated that Wanda might have defected back to Hydra), so beautiful, so funny . And yeah, maybe they could connect so deeply because of shared hurt and trauma, but it was more than that. She had been brutally hurt by everyone who had promised to care for her, and yet she still loved people and saw beauty in the world. Yeah she wasn't perfect, but who fucking was? Certainly not him. She'd seen the things he was capable of, and she still touched him so gently, still trusted him to braid her hair and hold her, still wanted him.
"Milujem ju. [I love her.]"
His heart twisted painfully in his chest.
"Dostanem ju späť. [I will get her back.]" He promised fiercely. "A ja jej to poviem. [And I will tell her.]"
Tony was dead tired. He'd eaten some food at Rhodey's insistence and inhaled probably a dangerous amount of caffeine on the way to the Tower for the press conference. Pepper had looked beautiful in a green dress that highlighted all of her curves. He'd wanted to tell her so, but she'd avoided making eye contact with him unless it was absolutely necessary. He didn't blame her. The picture of his face smashed against the trapeze artist's breasts was still plastered across most of the gossip rags. He'd tried to behave himself at the press conference for the most part, for Pepper's sake. Read the prepared statement, answer a few questions, stand next to Vision and look like a very serious superhero. Sure making the pun "Thaddeus Ross? More like how bad-he-is Ross" was not his best work. And yeah, he could have answered the "do you think Secretary Ross deserves to be under investigation" with something better than the exaggerated "duh" noise that had popped out of his mouth. Still, he'd had far worse press conferences. At least he was mostly sober and clothed.
The press conference had actually been a pretty welcome distraction. It mostly kept him from thinking about how back at the Compound, Steve and his Merry Band of Misfits were moving back in and that in a few hours, he'd be face to face with the man and his best buddy, one James Buchanan Barnes.
Now sitting on the quinjet, there was nothing left to do but dwell on it.
Steve's apology had been, well, nice, to be honest. One of the best and worst attributes of Steve Rogers was that he was genuine to a fault. So Tony didn't doubt that he meant what he'd said. It was nice. It didn't mean he fully trusted Steve immediately. Things couldn't just bounce right back to how they were. But progress, right?
Oh, and of course, he had his own apology to make.
He'd always been great at apologies. He usually went all out. An insane amount of flowers. An all expense paid trip to Italy. A private concert by Taylor Swift. The people who mattered like Pepper and Rhodey, well they understood what he was trying to say. The people who didn't matter usually harbored a grudge (guess how many fucks he gave about that), but were willing to publicly act like their forgiveness had been bought and paid for. He didn't think his patented Tony Stark Apology would work for Steve though. He was positive that Steve would see a showy apology and see it as inauthentic. And as much as he wanted to tell himself that Steve was in that "people who don't matter" category, he knew it wasn't true.
"This may be an uncomfortable reunion." Vision suddenly said.
"Oh you think?" Tony said deadpan.
"I believe you are using sarcasm." The android replied smoothly, those weirdly human eyes scanning him. "But yes, I do. You know, there are things one can do to lessen an awkward situation. I have read that sitting can add comfort to an otherwise difficult situation, telling a joke or a funny story can lighten the mood, and asking questions can give them space to express their thoughts and feelings."
Tony stared at him, torn between feeling amused at the idea that Vision had researched how to deal with uncomfortable situations and feeling insulted that the android thought he needed some tips.
"Have you been reading self-help books again?" He finally settled on saying.
"I believe personal growth allows one to be proactive."
"Thanks, Dr. Phil."
Vision's eyes went a little blank like they always did when he was accessing his vast memory. "Ah, the television psychologist."
"It ruins the joke when you explain the punchline."
"I am sorry, Sir, but as I am only a few years old, there are still some pop culture references that I do not remember off the top of my head."
"Are you playing the 'I'm just a kid' card?"
"I suppose I am."
"Well it's past your bedtime, junior."
"Boss, we'll be landing in approximately five minutes." FRIDAY interrupted softly.
They both fell into an uneasy silence.
"It is 2:43 am, so perhaps they will all be in bed." Vision supplied.
"One can hope." Tony muttered.
Luck, apparently, was on their side. The Compound was quiet and the doors to Steve, Wilson, and Barnes' bedrooms were all shut. Tony gave Vision an exaggerated "phew!" hand motion and hustled to his own suite. He was not too proud to admit that he was relieved to put off any awkward conversations until tomorrow.
Well, he was relieved until he unlocked his door, flipped on the light, and very nearly screamed like a little girl at the sight of Bucky Barnes sitting in one of his chairs.
"What the fuck?" He managed to gasp.
"Sorry." Barnes didn't look sorry in the slightest.
"Are you gonna murder me? Cause if I'm about to die, I'd like to change into something a lot more scandalous." Tony hoped the super soldier serum didn't let Barnes hear his heart pounding out of his chest.
Barnes raised one eyebrow, scanning his nicely tailored suit.
"Keeps 'em talking."
One side of Barnes mouth curled up. "I'm not gonna murder you."
"Well if this is a late night tryst, I have a very long contract you're gonna have to sign first."
"Romantic." Barnes said dryly.
"So are you gonna tell me what this is about or do I have to keep guessing?" Tony felt like he was holding his own pretty well, but there was sweat dripping down his back.
"I wanted to say somethin." Barnes dropped his gaze to his hands, smile disappearing. "I know this probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry about your parents. I didn't remember that one until the tape started playing." Pain flashed across Barnes face. "My memories were still pretty mixed up at that point, but as soon as I saw the car I remembered." He paused briefly and then looked back up at Tony again, raw grief and regret in his eyes. "I killed them, and I'm sorry."
Tony wasn't genuinely speechless often, but this was one of those times. Slowly he shrugged out of his suit jacket and slung it across the back of one of the dining chairs. His mind was racing and a swell of complicated emotions were rising in his throat.
"Wow. That's the most words I think I've ever heard you say." He finally got out, his voice slightly rough. "Out of morbid curiosity, what would you have done if I tried to blast you again?"
Barnes shrugged slightly. "I woulda taken the blast and hoped you'd feel guilty enough after killing me to still save Wanda."
"Huh." Was the only thing Tony's brain could come up with.
Barnes stood up, and Tony noted that he seemed to be moving deliberately slow, like he was trying really hard to be as unthreatening as possible.
"Well, I'm gonna hit the hay." He said quietly. "Night."
"Night." Tony echoed faintly, watching the ex-assassin slip silently from his room.
"Sorry for the surprise, Boss, but I calculated an 83% chance that he was not here to kill you." FRIDAY suddenly chimed in, sounding almost smug.
"Traitor." Tony muttered.
James watched Steve expertly flip the pancakes and had to admit he was slightly impressed.
"Don't be too impressed." Steve said, noticing his expression. "This is the only thing I can make."
"It's true." Sam said from where he was perched beside James on another chair at the long island counter. "One time he tried to make a cake and we had to make a new rule that Steve wasn't allowed to try new recipes without a supervisor."
James hid a smile behind his coffee mug. Steve's ears were pink as he glared at Sam, but he was still grinning.
"Well you got me beat, pal." James said. "I figured out how to make some basic sandwiches, but nothin that required any kinda mixing."
"You two should have spent more time with Beatrice." Sam said pointedly.
"Who's Beatrice?"
James started, getting out of his seat with a knife in his hand before he realized it was just the android, Vision. He had floated into the room, completely silent. No one had been able to sneak up on James in almost a hundred years, and the experience was unsettling . After a breath he realized everyone in the room was anxiously looking at him and the knife in his hand. He forced his muscles to relax slightly and slipped the knife back into his boot.
"Sorry." He muttered.
"It's quite alright." Vision said carefully. "I should have announced my presence."
James eyed him flatly. He was trying hard to keep the dislike off his face and go for a neutral expression, but he wasn't sure he was succeeding. His only experience with Vision had been watching the android break Wanda's heart, so he figured if he kept himself from ripping the android's arm off, he'd call it a win.
Vision lowered himself to the ground and walked forward to greet Steve. James noticed that the android seemed to be purposefully making sound with his steps. Steve shook his hand warmly, as did Sam. Barnes gave him a curt nod, relieved when Vision didn't attempt to shake his hand.
"Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Stark should be joining us momentarily." Vision said.
"Good." Steve said. "Would you, uh, like a pancake?"
Vision smiled. "No, thank you. Not that much has changed since you left, Captain."
"Better safe than sorry." Steve shrugged. "I learned to stop trying to anticipate the kind of changes Tony could make."
"A good strategy." Vision said.
The android took a seat at the center of the island, a few chairs away from Sam. In the silence, Steve flipped a few more pancakes and Sam sipped his coffee, looking awkward.
"So who wants to hear a joke about paper?" Vision asked suddenly.
"Absolutely no dad jokes before coffee."
Tony strode into the room dressed in jeans and a plain gray t-shirt. The arc reactor in his chest glowed blue beneath the fabric. Behind him came Colonel Rhodes, smiling warmly at all of them. Tony made a beeline for what looked like an incredibly complicated coffee machine. James and Sam were drinking coffee from a simple drip machine they'd found in one of the cupboards because Sam had taken one look at the glistening metal machine with all the buttons and levers and said "aw hell no." It was no surprise that Tony immediately began to use the machine with practiced ease. The thing was even in the Iron Man colors, red and gold.
"Wow I didn't know we still had that thing." Tony said, gesturing to the drip machine. "You didn't want to use my state of the art espresso machine? It's a special edition Diletta. Italian made."
"Man, I couldn't even figure out how to turn that thing on." Sam said.
Tony shot him a cheeky grin. "What do they teach you guys in the Air Force? Rhodey couldn't either."
"Hey now!" Rhodey said as he settled into the chair next to Vision.
They ate their pancakes at the long counter. James noticed that Tony kept up a steady stream of chatter about basically nothing. He also noticed how Steve kept trying to catch Tony's eye and Tony kept expertly avoiding it. Everyone looked like they were getting along, but there was an undercurrent of tension.
After breakfast, they all filed into a room with a long table lined with office chairs. James took a seat between Steve and Sam and focused on not crushing the arm of the chair with his metal hand. All the walls in the damn room were made of glass. It was almost impossible to monitor threats and it left him feeling exposed like some sort of animal on display at a zoo.
Steve spoke first and gave them all the info they had. Tony had hauled up all the boxes of hard files on Strucker, so they each took a file and poured over the info, looking for any mention of Werner. James hesitantly took the file that Rhodey slid across the table, his skin crawling at the Hydra insignia stamped on the front. The inside wasn't much better. As he read through the files, a few times he had to quickly shut it and pass it to Sam or Steve after just a glance at the contents made him feel sweaty and nauseous. This was the last place he wanted to have a flashback. After the fourth time it happened, Tony apparently couldn't contain himself any longer.
"What's going on there, Barnes? Don't like your reading material?"
James gritted his teeth and avoided looking up. He could feel everyone's gaze on him now and it was not helping.
"Some of this shit is triggering, man." Sam's steady voice came from his side.
"Triggering." Tony repeated, his face lighting up with curiosity like a damn Christmas tree. "What happens when you get triggered, Barnes?"
"Tony." Steve said in a warning voice.
"Flashback." James forced out between his clenched teeth, finally flicking his eyes up to meet Tony's across the table. "Sometimes the Soldier slips out."
Tony and Rhodey both looked alarmed.
"'Slips out' like in Germany?" Tony asked sharply.
James winced, knowing Tony was remembering how the Soldier had almost shot him point blank in the face in that lobby. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He knew he killed people that day after Zemo set the Soldier loose on an entire fucking building of civilians. He'd never been quite brave enough to look up how many people had died.
"Kinda." He muttered.
Tony's eyes flashed and James braced himself for the angry outburst he'd been expecting all morning.
"Well maybe Barnes shouldn't be reading the files then." Tony said simply.
James looked at him, slightly surprised. He'd been expecting the man to tell him to get the hell out of the Compound or that he needed to be locked up somewhere secure.
"The Soldier didn't 'slip out' in Germany." Steve said quietly. "Zemo read the Russian trigger words that Hydra implanted in his head to force him into the Soldier."
James couldn't resist the smile that curled around his lips.
"Is that funny to you, Barnes?" Rhodey asked curtly.
James shook his head, still smiling slightly. "Nah, what's funny is that Hydra unknowingly gave Wanda the power to go in my head and destroy all the fucking trigger words. Took her ten minutes to undo decades of Hydra's work."
There was a stunned silence.
"Destroy them?" Rhodey finally asked slowly.
"We tested it." Steve said, apparently also unable to keep from smiling. "Wanda said the words and nothing happened. Hydra won't be able to force Bucky to do anything again."
There was another silence.
"It appears that we still don't understand much about Wanda's powers." Vision finally said and James had to fight the urge to sneer.
"So if Wanda could destroy trigger words, do you think she could create trigger words?" Tony said quietly, looking blankly at the files in his hands.
"Wanda would never do that." James growled immediately, feeling rage rising in his chest.
"Maybe not willingly." Tony said, looking up at them with a guarded expression. "But they wanted Wanda for a reason."
"Definitely not willingly." Sam said firmly.
"But in answer to your question, yeah, she might be able to do that." Steve said solemnly. "Never willingly, but she might have that power. Which is another reason why we need to find her as quickly as possible."
That sent them back to work. They scanned the boxes and boxes of documents, but like Steve feared, they didn't find anything about Strucker's family. They worked nonstop until mid afternoon when everyone started getting snappy, so Tony ordered some lunch and Steve forced them all to take a break. James was restless and agitated again. He kept picturing all the things Hydra would have ordered him to do to Wanda in order to make her comply, and he desperately wanted to punch someone. Specifically Werner. Finally he found himself at Pietro's grave again. He pulled off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair, trying for deep breaths. He hadn't slipped into the Soldier since Wanda removed the trigger words. He wasn't sure he could. But in the days since Wanda had been taken, sometimes he felt it on the edge of his mind like a cool caress, a promise of violence, a lethal focus. If he was too late, if Werner hurt Wanda or…or worse , he was sure the Soldier would return and use his skills to brutally massacre anyone responsible.
And he wasn't sure he would care.
Steve sat alone in the conference room, still pouring over the files. Everyone had left, but he couldn't seem to stop working. He felt time ticking forward like a countdown on a bomb. Wanda was obviously in danger from Hydra, but he was also afraid she was in danger from herself. He desperately hoped she felt like she had enough to fight for, to keep going despite whatever hell Hydra was putting her through. He found himself praying (to a god he was no longer sure existed) that she truly knew how much they loved her and that they wouldn't stop until they found her. He'd accidentally left one friend in Hydra's clutches and he would never do it again.
He leaned his elbows on the table, pressing his fists into his eyes. He finally had the little sister he'd once so badly hoped for, and fucking Hydra just-
"Steve?"
He glanced up, startled. Tony was standing in the doorway looking uncharacteristically serious. He sat up, alert.
"What's up, Tony?"
Tony didn't immediately answer, instead walking slowly to sit down across from him at the table. Steve's heart rate picked up.
"I'm sorry." Tony said suddenly and Steve blinked in surprise. "I'm sorry for trying to shove the Accords down your throat. I'm sorry for the fight in Germany and for everyone who ended up on the Raft. Wanda getting tortured? My fault. I shouldn't have tried to kill Barnes either. I knew it wasn't his fault, just the…the shock of it…I wanted to kill someone and goddamn Zemo was behind rocket-proof glass." The man was anxiously dismantling one of the pens on the table, not quite meeting Steve's eyes. "I used to hate you when I was a kid. I could never live up to you. I let my ego get in the way of actually getting to know you for a long time, even after New York. But then I did. And well, I realized I actually wanted to be your friend. And then the Accords…" He cleared his throat roughly. "I guess I'm trying to say that you're not the only one who fucked up."
Steve felt his shoulders relax for the first time since they'd stepped foot into the Compound. "Want to put all this behind us and move forward?" He asked quietly.
Tony finally glanced up at him, looking guarded again. Steve paused.
"I forgive you, Tony." He clarified gently.
"You should have told me." Tony said hoarsely.
Steve swallowed hard. "I know."
"I would have come to terms with it. Eventually."
"I know." Steve's voice was rough. "I should have trusted you."
"I'm sorry I didn't show you that you could ."
Tony's eyes were wet and his hand was trembling slightly. Steve felt the emotions rising up in his throat, felt himself pushing it back down on instinct. He swallowed again, remembering Wanda gently squeezing his hand.
Steve. It's ok. It's ok to let it out. You're not Captain America here. You're Steve Rogers, our friend, and you can lean on us when you need to.
Steve took a breath, let it out, and stopped trying to force his sorrow and regret behind the Captain America mask. "Tony, it's not your fault that I didn't trust you. That's on me. I let my own issues get in the way. It's on me."
Tony looked away. "I should have done more."
For a moment, Steve could see Tony as a small child facing the cruel disappointment of his father. It broke his heart. He stood up, walked around the table and yanked the chair next to Tony out so he could sit in it. Tony watched him warily, trying to blink away the moisture in his eyes.
"I've spent most of the last four years since I woke up in this century so fucking angry." He confessed quietly. "And I hid it from everyone. Everyone I knew and loved was gone, the world had completely changed, and I was supposed to be grateful I was alive when all I really wanted was to have died in the Arctic." He watched surprise flicker through Tony's eyes. "All I had left was the mission. That was the only thing that kept me going, but it didn't make me happy. It just gave me a reason to not be dead. You know when Ultron said that I was just pretending I could live without a war? Well, he was right. And I took that anger out on my teammates. Especially you. I said some horrible things to you when we first met before New York." He noted the way Tony flinched just slightly at the reference to New York. "I was lashing out, and you did not deserve that. You could have done everything right, and I probably still would have been a dick."
Tony was still blinking rapidly. "I don't think the world is prepared for how much the new Steve Rogers swears."
"You should have heard me in the army. I just made sure to keep it clean when the cameras were rolling."
"Dad never mentioned that." Tony said, something flickering across his face.
"I didn't feel like I was close enough to Howard to really be myself." Steve said quietly. "Plus he was usually around when Peggy was there, and I watched my mouth around her too." He smiled sadly. "Even though she swore more than I did."
"Peggy?" He could see the wheels turning in Tony's head. "Peggy Carter?"
Steve reached into his pocket and handed his compass over to Tony. Tony took it curiously, flicking it open. His eyebrows rose.
"Wait, were you and Peggy together?" Tony asked slowly.
"Not officially." Steve said, soft and pained. "But I loved her and she loved me. She was the last voice I heard before I went into the ice."
Tony looked up at him, his eyes widening in realization. "She passed away. Right before the U.N. bombing."
"I got the call when we were all arguing about the Accords." Steve said hoarsely. "That's why I left right in the middle of it. I should have explained why. I know it looked like I was storming off, but I've never been able to…grieve…in front of people."
Tony carefully handed him the compass, still open. Steve took it and turned it to see the picture of Peggy's familiar face. He felt a few tears roll down his face, and wiped them away with his free hand.
"I thought you left cause you were angry at me."
"I'm so sorry, Tony. I know it looked like that."
"I was supposed to go to the funeral, but I didn't cause…well, honestly I haven't gone to a funeral since my parents'." Tony's face twisted. "People think it's one of my many quirks, but truthfully I had a massive panic attack at my parents funeral and Rhodey had to get me out before the press saw."
"God, I don't blame you."
Tony shrugged. "It wasn't my first and it sure as hell wasn't my last."
"Would you believe me if I said I've had a few of my own?" Steve asked as he gently shut the compass and put it back in his pocket.
Tony gave him a sharp look with eyebrows raised. "No, I wouldn't."
Steve couldn't help the laugh that escaped at his expression. "Well I have. Lots before the serum, but even some afterwards. Usually when I wake up from a nightmare and I can't quite get away from the dream. Honestly I didn't know what they were until I became friends with Sam and heard some of the vets at the VA talk about their own."
They eyed each other quietly. The energy between them felt more…quiet. Tired, but in a good way. Tony began putting the pen he'd dismantled back together. Steve heard footsteps approaching and turned to look, assuming it was one of their teammates. But a person walked in holding a giant delivery bag of sub sandwiches up so high it covered their face.
"Food delivery for Tony Stank?" A familiar voice said.
The delivery person lowered the bag and Tony and Steve both gaped at a blond Natasha Romanoff, standing in front of them wearing a smirk and a delivery hat that read "All that and a bag of chips!"
AN: I have been super sick, so I'm sorry if this is a later update than normal. My brain ain't math-ing, so I can't figure out if it's been longer than normal or if it just feels that way. A lot of this was written while fevered and/or slightly high on cold medicine. So there's that. I will update again if I don't cough myself to death (fingers crossed).