The road is awfully bumpy underneath him and he has no idea where he's going. His face is so cold that it hurts and he nearly lets out an exhausted sob when he sees a hill coming up.
As the hill approached, he brought down his right foot and forced it onto the pavement as hard as he could.
Thinking back on his last words to Ryan he knew they were a mistake but that selfishness that comes with suicide came seeping through again and he wouldn't want it any other way.
Once he conquered the hill, he let himself relax by allowing the board and slope to do all the work.
A drip of water landed right on his nose and he had to laugh because it was typical. His life to him was a personal rainy cloud that always tagged along wherever he went.
By the time he arrived to his destination, it was nearly hailing outside. Shivering, he rolled closer to the building before him and stepped off the skateboard.
Placing a flat hand just above his bruised brow, he narrowed his eyes so he could see if the pawn shop was still open and fortunately it was. He bent down, scooped up the board and slipped into the building. He shook his hair, set his skateboard beside the door and then roamed the empty shop.
After making his way to where the cashier was, he leans up against the unclear, scratched up counter where a .45 pistol catches his eye.
The overweight cashier stares at Seth wearily and says,
"Yeah?"
Seth clears his throat, points down at the gun with his index finger and using a gruff voice, he asks,
"How much?"
He man nearly scoffs. He leans over a bit with a grunt, and pulls the gun out, placing it on top of the counter.
"Got ID?" He asks simply.
Seth nods maturely and whips out his Pacific Sun wallet, where he flips it open and flashes him the fake identification he got a few weeks ago for fifty bucks.
The guy slants forward, squints his eyes as he studies Seth's ID.
"Five hundred..." He tells Seth after a moment, and then makes himself comfy in his chair again.
Seth nods his head once more and then fingers the money in his wallet.
"That's four hundred and twenty-six dollars," He tells the man and then tosses the money onto the counter beside the gun.
"Five hundred..." He says again, glaring.
Seth's eyes sadden a bit yet he still digs into his pocket where he pulls out a small black box.
"It's a half carat..." He tells the man as he peals back the top to reveal the sprinkling ring; he had snatched from his room while Marissa and Ryan fondled each other outside.
The man takes it, stares at it as if he really knew the difference and tells Seth,
"I can go... seventy-five"
Seth suppresses a wide smile as his hand starts for the gun.
"There's a waiting period..." The cashier cuts in as he flips through the cash.
"No" Seth practically shouts as his hand hovers over the pistol. He calms down and tells the man compellingly, "I can't wait."
The man looks down at the virtually perfect ring and crisp money before him and though he hesitates, he knows he's getting a good deal with the ring alone.
"Alright..." He agrees, pushes the chair back, bends over, and pulls out some wrinkled forms, "Fill these out but leave the dates blank."
Seth nods and starts filling out the paperwork once he's finished he picks the pistol up and checks the chamber.
"There's no bullets..." Seth points out.
"Bullets are extra..." The man tells him bleakly.
"Come on, man..." Seth pleads.
The guy rolls his eyes, leans over and grabs a hand full of bullets. He slams them onto the counter and narrows his eyes at Seth.
"There!" He spits out and sinks back into the chair,
"Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind."
Seth bobs his head, seizes all six bullets and leaves the shop, grabbing his skateboard on the way out.
After slipping the .45 into his front pocket, he places his skateboard onto the wet pavement and rolls off into the pouring rain.
Back at home, Ryan is sitting on the living room couch, worried over Seth.
"I hope you're happy."
Seth's last words to him swarmed around in his head and he couldn't figure out what he meant.
Shaking his head, he sinks further into the couch cushion and crosses his arms.
He just needs to blow off some steam. He's fine.
He thinks.
"Yeah" He tells himself as-a-matter-of-fact and chews on his bottom lip.
A beat,
Reaching over, he grabs the phone off the receiver, takes a quick breath, presses Talk and dials a number.
The phone rings a couple times then an unmistakable voice answers on the other end,
"Hello?"
"Summer, its Ryan"
She sighs into the phone and requests, "What is it, Chino?"
"Is Seth there?"
"No"
Gulping, Ryan wipes his forehead where a bead of sweat has formed.
"Why?" Summer raises complainingly.
"We had an argument and he took off." Ryan explains.
"What was it about?" She intriguingly asks.
Now she just wants the gossip...
Ryan thought before he answers her,
"Marissa..."
"Really?" She questions in disbelief.
It did sound pretty unlikely.
"Mm-hmm..." He mumbles miserably.
A moment of silence.
"We broke up, ya know?"
"Yeah, I just thought maybe he'd go over there." He stops, sighing, "Do you have any idea where he might be?"
She ponders on Seth's whereabouts and the after a few moments she responds with slight uncertainty,
"The pier?"
Ryan's eyes widen with the information.
"Yeah, thanks" He tells her quickly before hanging up the phone.
He shoots up from the couch and heads for the car. Once inside and about to start the engine, he stops and really thinks about what he's doing.
They got in a fight. Big deal, they'd make up tomorrow. Together they'd apologize and together they'd accept.
"I hope you're happy."
He recalls Seth's words again.
Out of every insult Seth could have said to Ryan he picked that phrase and it bothered Ryan more then not telling Marissa he loved her.
Something's not right.
And with that thought, he starts the car and drives off.
Meanwhile, Seth is lying in Summer Breeze, which was still tied to the dock.
Tears run down his face though you wouldn't be able to tell given that the rain was coming down much harder then before.
He pushes out the chamber and slowly puts the bullets in one by one and then pops the chamber back in place.
He tears off a piece of a cardboard box he found in the trash, scribbles down a suicide note, places it into his left hand and folds over his fingers tightly.
Gripping the gun in the other hand, he slowly brings his arm up, and he wonders if he's shaking because of what he's about to do or because he's freezing his ass off.
He wasn't all that curious though because he cocks the gun and presses the barrel to his temple.
Closing his eyes, he hears Ryan call out his name but he assumes it's only in his head, kind of like his conscience.
Sucking in a breath, he starts to pull the trigger but stops when he hears Ryan again only closer and louder,
"Seth!?"
He turns his head and can make out a silhouette, jogging down the pier.
No, no, no, no, no!
Breathing heavily, he lowers the gun to his side and stands up from the bobbing boat where he steps onto the slick dock.
As Ryan approaches Seth, he shakes his hair and shields his eyes from the rain,
"What are you doing out here?"
When Seth doesn't answer, Ryan's shoulders kind of drop in defeat.
"Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was an asshole. Let's just go, man."
A beat,
"No." Seth finally speaks up.
"What?" Ryan questions.
Seth's arm lifts and the gun-occupied hand rises up to his head.
Ryan blinks because he figures he's seeing unclearly because of the rain but he soon realizes that he isn't imagining anything.
"Seth, man. W-what are you doing? Where did you get that?"
Silence...
"I had money... and pawned the ring I bought for Summer..."
At how calm Seth sounds Ryan takes a chance and takes a step toward him.
"Stay away from me, Ryan!" He shouts and jumps back.
With the barrel of the cheap .45 pistol, hidden underneath his black curly locks, Seth anxiously shifts his weight from side to side.
His index finger was pressed up against the trigger so closely that Ryan knew that the slightest twitch would set the gun off.
"Alright... alright" Ryan eased with his hands out in front of him.
"Just, just let me help you, okay?"
He tells him, hands slowly coming down to his sides.
"Wow, Ryan, you've really got that hero complex perfected, don't you?" Seth muttered never letting his guard down for a second.
"S-Seth, man. Don't do this okay? You- you don't want to do this"
"And to think you talked Oliver down..." Seth scoffs, and takes another step back.
The sky starts to calm and the wind howls.
"Why?"
The question almost surprises Seth and for a moment he really considers whether or not to tell Ryan the truth.
Nodding his head slowly, he declares,
"I'm sick, Ryan. I'm...I'm real sick..."
But Ryan takes this wrong,
"We can get you help"
Laughing tearfully, Seth shakes his head,
"No..." He starts, deadpanning, and with red-rimmed eyes peering into Ryan's, he reveals,
"I tested positive..."
When Seth sees the look on Ryan's face, he continues with his confession,
"I made a comment in gym so the football team cornered me in the locker room and had their way with me. They used the end of a broomstick at first but then someone had a better idea," He pauses as his face begins to crumble, "A week later, one of them tells me he's got AIDS but not to tell anyone or he'll kick my ass. So I go get tested and what d'ya know?"
Ryan has yet to find the right words so Seth just keeps explaining,
"I've known for almost three weeks now..." She speaks slowly, "and I planned this," He rolls his eyes to the gun still pressed against his head, "...about an hour after I found out."
"You don't need to kill yourself..." Ryan whispers.
"I'm going to die anyway, Ryan. I don't want to take my last breathe in a hospital room."
As he speaks, his tone and eyes are completely rational and it scares Ryan that someone so clear-minded would still want to commit suicide.
"Just... shut your eyes, Ryan" Seth cuts in, stiffening his arm.
"No"
Ryan's eyes start to water and he wants to blink the tears away but he's afraid if his eyes flutter, Seth will shoot.
"I'm sorry..."
Seth tells him, and without hesitation he pulls the trigger.
The bullet entered at one side of his head and out the other...
Well, that's how it would have happened if the gun hadn't jammed.
Hey, you get what you pay for, right?
Seth's eyes widen with confusion, and in the amount of time it took him to realize what had gone wrong, Ryan had already managed to hit the gun out of his hand and fling it toward the ocean.
"No!" Seth shouts and tries diving for it but Ryan embraces him in mid-jump.
"Let go of me!" He screams but Ryan's hold gets tighter and tighter the more he struggles.
"Stop, Seth" Ryan soothes,
"No..." He repeats over and over, sobbing quietly into Ryan's shoulder as their bodies collapse onto the soaked pier.
Reaching down with a free hand, Ryan removes the piece of cardboard out of Seth's hand and he reads it to himself:
I know that life is fine and good
And the world is a full pot,
but it doesn't flow to my blood,
it only rises to my head.
Others it feeds, me it sickens;
try to understand: one can despise it.
For at least a thousand years now
I'll require a diet.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
[ f i n ]