Title: Past and Present
Author: Secret Art
Rating: PG
Date: 23rd June 2004
Category: angst
Pairings: Grissom/Sara
Spoilers: Gentle Gentle
Summary: Catherine finds out just what was behind Grissom's emotional reaction to the dead baby.
Archive: where ever you want, I'm not fussy
Feedback: can only make me better
Disclaimer: Not mine, not now, not ever.
Author's note:
"Gil, hey, wait up." He stopped, waiting for her to catch up before setting off again, his pace fast, causing her to almost jog in order to keep up. "You want to tell me what is going on?"
"I have no idea what you mean." His tone was cold, almost unkind, but Catherine knew him well enough to know that it was a result of his emotional state rather than aimed directly at her.
"I have never seen you get so upset over a case. I heard the others talking in the beak room. Sara sounded very upset about something you had said to her."
This caused a him to pause, a flash of emotion passing his face, gone almost as quickly as it appeared, but it had not gone unnoticed by Catherine.
He turned to face her, his voice calm and emotionless. "I told her a few weeks ago that she got too emotional over cases and she asked me why I was emotional over this one. And I said something that I shouldn't have, something that I knew would hurt her.
If you see her, tell her I'm sorry."
Catherine stared at him in shock, surprised at how easily he had explained, and curious as to what he had said that had upset Sara so much.
She knew that it did not take a lot to get Sara upset but still, it must have been deeply personal if Gil knew that it would upset her to the decree she had witnessed.
She looked at him expectantly, wanting to hear the rest of the story, but looking at him she could tell he was exhausted, mentally and physically, and she had to talk to Sara to apologise on his behalf anyway, so she could always get the story from her.
"Go home Gil, get some sleep."
She smiled at his surprised look, evidently he had been preparing himself for more questions, but then he smiled, happy to leave. She could see intrigue in his eyes, but he was too tired to be bothered. "Good night Catherine."
"Night Gil."
She watched him walk away, the kindness in her face being replaced by sheer determination, desperately wanting to know what had gotten the usually detached man so emotional, and she knew it wasn't just the case.
She walked past the break room, pausing to watch Nick, Warrick and Greg.
Nick and Warrick were using the lab's games console, Catherine had no idea who had requested it or how they had managed to get it, and Greg was stood behind them, yelling the odd bit hint or not so helpful tip at either man.
Shaking her head in amusement she walked to the locker room, hoping that Sara had not left already. Normally this would not concern Catherine as Sara put in the most overtime of all of them, however the case had been solved so there was no reason for her to be in the lab.
She stopped in the doorway, watching Sara for a few minutes, taking in the exhausted posture and puffy eyes.
"Is there something you wanted or are you taking after Grissom and just staring?" Catherine was startled out of her thoughts by Sara's voice and realised that she had been spotted.
"Gil asked me to apologise on his behalf for what he said, not that he would tell me what it was."
Sara did not react, having learnt a long time ago that where Grissom was concerned apologies were overrated, she firmly believed that actions spoke louder than words.
She closed her locker, intent on walking straight past Catherine and then going home.
Catherine however stopped her with an arm across the doorway, forcing Sara to look at her.
"I know you take after Grissom in not talking about your past but if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open."
Not expecting an answer she moved her arm, allowing Sara to walk out, knowing that if she pushed too hard, she would never find out the truth.
Arriving home Catherine sighed, her mind occupied with Grissom and Sara.
Lindsey was staying with a friend so she had the house to herself. Pouring herself a glass of wine she wandered around aimlessly, unable to find anything to do, yet unable to relax due to the unanswered questions.
Hearing a knock on the door she found Sara stood on the other side, looking uncomfortable, silently asking to come in.
Grabbing the bottle of wine she refilled her glass before pouring Sara one, indicating with her free hand that the younger woman should sit on the sofa.
Sitting opposite her, Catherine waited silently for Sara to begin, slowly sipping her wine whilst Sara played with her glass, not even bothering to pick it up.
"As you know me and Grissom knew each other before I came here. We've known each other for years.
We had a fling, well I'm not sure you could call it a fling, a relationship of sorts. It went on for a few months, nothing serious.
We never technically split up, we never actually officially started a relationship to be honest, but we moved to different states, stayed in touch, as friends rather than anything else." She paused and Catherine could see sadness in her eyes.
"I found out I was pregnant. Didn't tell Grissom, had no idea how to. We were getting on great as friends, hadn't really talked about our physical relationship. Grissom, as you know, is not the most open of people.
I had a son, a little baby boy. He had Grissom's eyes. When he was three months old he died, cot death."
Catherine blinked away tears, thinking about her own daughter, but Sara remained emotionless, at least on the outside.
"Grissom found out by accident. He called up for a chat; my mum explained that I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind for a chat, having just lost my son. She didn't tell me he had phoned for three days, she waited until she thought I was up to phone calls.
By the time I did contact him he had figured out that he was the baby's father, wanted to know why I hadn't told him, what had happened.
So I explained why I was afraid to tell him, how I had found our son, dead, in his cot one morning and well, Grissom was Grissom about it." Sara paused, letting Catherine absorb everything she had just said. "We never talked about it again."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in thought before Catherine realised that she still didn't have an answer to her original query.
"What did he say to you just before?"
"I had asked him why he was getting personal when he had told me a few weeks ago that I should not, and he said that it was because he had found the baby's body not me."
Sara looked down at her hands, willing herself not to try, surprised at how easy it had been to talk to Catherine about her past. "Just before you turned up he was yelling, well by Grissom standards anyway, about how it was personal because the baby was dead because someone lost there temper or didn't care and it felt like he was yelling at me, like a part of him felt I was responsible for the death of our son, and I suppose part of me agrees but I've never seen him like that before."
She wiped away the tears that had started rolling down her face and Catherine moved over to her, hugging her tightly, her own tears falling silently.