Title: After I Fall
Author: Calista
E-Mail:
Disclaimer: Not mine don't sue.
Rating: PG-13 right now, probably higher later on.
Spoilers: None, AU.
Lyrics: By Sarah McLachlan.
Pairings: B/A, A/C, B/R, maybe more down the road...
Feedback: Yes please, don't make me beg.
Author's Note: So I know I have two unfinished fics already, but RL inspired this, and it wouldn't let me alone until I wrote it... hope you all like.
Prologue
In the lonely light of morning,
In the wound that would not heal,
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
One minute.
One minute was all it took for Buffy's life to crash and burn before her eyes.
Standing there she watched with a mix of horror, shock, and confusion, as her boyfriend gripped the mesh blue shorts covering Cordelia's round ass, the two interlocked in a heated kiss. The scene played out simultaneously in slow motion and fast forward.
She didn't know what to do: scream, cry, run away, wave and politely interrupt, hit and punch till her knuckles were bloody and raw. Ultimately she decided on the later. With all the strength she had in her, she gave two or three swift hits to his arm, waiting for the couple to break apart. Not happening fast enough, Buffy pried Cordelia from Angel's lips, slapping her and then pushing her away.
Turning, she stood in horror.
His eyes. She couldn't even try to describe what she saw in them. They were slightly unfocused, Buffy wasn't sure if that was due to the alcohol, the kiss, or being caught. That wasn't what sent shivers down her spine. The raw emotions were. His eyes held pain and anger, guilt and confusion, and then something more, she couldn't place. Maybe love.
Hitting him once more, Buffy felt tremors run through her body. Her legs shaking rapidly, it felt as if they'd come off. Her lungs felt like they were closing up, making it nearly impossible to breathe.
"Oh my God."
It was all she could choke out, falling to the floor, feeling like she'd just bee hit by a Mac truck; wishing she'd just been hit by a Mac truck, anything would be better then this.
She didn't care if she were making a scene in the middle of the party. She didn't care how many eyes were on her. She didn't care what people thought as they watched.
Angel kissed a girl. Her Angel, the Angel who always talked about marriage, being together forever, loving so hard it hurt, Angel had just kissed Cordelia Chase. And what was worse was Buffy had to witness it all.
"Oh my God." She stated again, bringing her hands up to cover her face. Not even a minute had passed since the kiss happened, yet it felt longer, hours, days, maybe even weeks.
She felt Angel reach out to comfort her, she felt as he placed a tentative hand on her side as she lay on the floor.
Rolling over, she forced herself up, to stare. Looking at him, it took everything she had not to die. Clenching her fist together, she lunged at him. Pounding away at his chest, satisfaction coming from the soft thud she heard when her fist contacted with his chest.
Angel did nothing, took it all in.
"I hate you." She bit out in almost a whisper as her hands continued to punch the man she loved more than words could express. "I hate you." She stated again this time louder with more force. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." She kept repeating over and over, each time slightly louder.
The tears finally breaking free, she stopped punching, long enough to look at Angel who was crouched on the floor, still not saying anything. Having easy access to his groin from the way he was crouching Buffy sat on her ass, kicking her legs out, kicking with all the pain she had.
The second her foot hit his groin, she watched almost gleefully as he fell back in pain, grabbing his groin in immense pain. But she didn't waste time; she kicked again, hoping it hurt as much as he hurt her.
Falling back on the floor she shut her eyes, her body wracking with sobs.
Everything felt surreal. Like her mind had been playing tricks on her. Like she'd imagined everything that had happened.
She wanted to know why; why had it happened, why had he kissed Cordelia, why hadn't he pushed her away, why did he hate her so much? She wanted to know how; how did the kiss happen, how could he do something like that to her, how he could live with himself? She wanted to know what; what Cordelia had that Buffy didn't, what would have happened had Buffy not seen the kiss, what would happen to them? She wanted to know who, who had started the kiss?
She couldn't breathe, she felt as if she were fighting for her life. Everything hurt. She didn't even have the energy to push him away when he finally scooped her up into his arms, carrying her into his bedroom and away from the curious onlookers. Placing her on his bed, he lay with her his arms wrapped tightly around her, as he soothed her cries.
Feeling his arms around her, only made it hurt worse. For the past three years those arms had been her safety, her comfort, her love. Now they were tainted. The arms responsible for the hole in her heart. Finally she pushed him away, curling in a ball on the edge of his bed, teetering dangerously close to falling off.
"How could you?"
If Angel hadn't been so in tuned with her, he would have missed the question, it coming out so soft. As it was, he wasn't quite sure if she'd actually said anything at all.
Rolling her over, he commanded her to look at him. After a few seconds of prodding, he finally saw her mossy green eyes, brimming with fresh tears.
"It's not my fault."
She listened as he spoke, listened as he explained the situation, as he told her Cordelia had started the kiss, how he had merely been trying to push her away. It was commonly known that Cordelia did have a crush on Angel. His story might have flown too, except Buffy had witnessed what had happened, she saw Angel's hands cup Cordelia's ass, she watched as his tongue snaked into Cordelia's mouth.
"You kissed a girl." She finally stated, saying it out loud for the first time since it happened. It hurt, her chest felt heavy at the announcement.
"Buffy, I never meant to, I never wanted to hurt you."
He never wanted to hurt her? She listened in disbelief. If he never wanted to hurt her, why had he kissed Cordelia Chase?
She wanted to know what she had done to deserve this. What cosmic power had it in for her that she'd have to witness what she did? Because surely she must have done something terribly wrong that threw some planet off its axis. It was the only explanation.
She wasn't sure what to do as Angel continued to speak calmly. She briefly contemplated why he was so calm, was it for her sake, because his calmness was scaring her; Buffy being anything but calm right now.
She wanted to know what to do. She had just witnessed her boyfriend, her lover, her other half, kiss someone else. She watched as he kissed another girl's lips, she had stood in shock as her heart broke in two. Her mind told her to leave and never look back, her mind yelled at her for even lying in bed with the bastard. But her heart kept shouting not to lose him. Her heart told her to forgive him.
She wanted to die. Her heart and mind engaging in battle.
"Angel." Buffy finally said, cutting off his rambling that she hadn't even been listening to. "You kissed a girl." Every time she said it she could feel her self grow more numb. She wondered if one day, she'd say that he kissed a girl and nothing would happen, it'd be the same as asking how the weather was. "How can I ever trust you?"
"Because Buffy, more than anything I know I love you." Angel answered as sincerely as he knew how. "Because more than anything I know I will never hurt you again."
She felt the tears kick themselves up a notch. Her body starting to tremble again. She wanted to believe him, she wanted to forgive him, but she didn't know how. How could she ever trust him again, when every time she closed her eyes she saw him and Cordelia kissing on the couch? How was she ever going to come into his apartment again, when it held the memories of her darkest hour? How would she ever live without him?
She didn't want to know the answer to that. She didn't want to know what it was like to wake up in the morning with out Angel.
"I love you." Buffy started, looking dead straight in his eyes, "But I don't trust you." She finished, taking a deep breath.
"Maybe you shouldn't do either." Angel answered back, sitting up in the bed, running his hands through his hair, an action he always did when he was deep in thought. "Maybe, this happened for a reason."
She looked up at him again in shock, not quite sure if she'd actually heard right. The pained expression all the answer she needed. "So what, you're just giving up?"
"You don't trust me."
"Angel, you kissed a girl." She stressed again, wondering when the fact would seep through his head. "How can I trust you?"
"You can't. I fucked up. And I lost the best thing of my life."
He said everything so calm, she hated it, she wanted him to get mad, she wanted him to scream and cry, and pound his fists against something hard, but he did none of it. How could he be so calm at a time like this? Did she mean that little to him?
"I want my life to be with you."
"I don't."
The words stung deeper than the image of him and Cordelia kissing.
"How am I supposed to live without you?" Buffy asked, her expression pitiful, her life holding no meaning anymore.
"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."
"So that's it? Three years and you're giving up, walking out?" She finally questioned, growing mad.
"Yes." He simply answered. It was easier. He knew she had every right to be mad, he knew as much pain as he was going through she had it worse. The thought of another man kissing Buffy, the thought of another man with his unworthy arms around her, the thought made Angel go insane; and Buffy witnessed his greatest fear.
She couldn't trust him, he understood that. But did she ever think how he was feeling? He had to kiss some other girl, have some other lips on him. If that kiss taught him anything, it taught him that Buffy was the only girl he'd ever be able to kiss. But Buffy wasn't thinking that, she wasn't wondering how Angel felt, she didn't care, and Angel didn't blame her.
His head resting in his hands, Angel felt the slight shift of weight on the bed as his blonde goddess got up.
One lone tear traveling down her cheek, Buffy gave Angel one last look, pausing hoping he'd run after her, tell her to stay, but he did nothing; and so she left.
Part One
The shrill, unnerving beeping coming from the small plastic alarm clock brought Buffy back into the conscious world. Her head planted firmly underneath the pillow Buffy's hand outstretched, carelessly waving around till she came in contact with the damned clock searching for the button that would give her the silence she wanted.
Eight in the morning never felt so early. Her whole being exhausted. The events from before still firmly planted on her mind. It all just seemed too surreal; after all it was Angel- Her Angel. Had she not seen the kiss, Buffy would have choked everything up to a figment of her imagination, some strange dream; never reality though. In reality her Angel couldn't do something so cruel and heart wrenching.
The worst part of course, the fact that he broke up with her. Leading her to believe that he'd wanted this before said incident. He'd made it seem so easy, a simple sentence and he was out of her life. And if that was true, why couldn't he have just told her. Anything would have been better than that. Anything.
It was for the best, her mind repeated over and over, like a mantra or a sick and twisted lullaby. Love was based on trust, but she'd never trust him- not like before. How could she trust him when every time she closed her eyes the image of his hands gripping Cordelia's ample ass as the two engaged in a heated kiss flooded her mind.
It'd been one month. The longest month of her life. And for the life of her, she couldn't understand why time hadn't ceased; the unrelenting world continued to zoom past her, and try as she might, she couldn't seem to keep up. She found herself fighting herself more then occasionally not to call him. To beg and plead with him. To tell him till the end of time to give them another shot; that they could make things right like they'd used to be, even with knowing that was a lie. They couldn't be like they'd used to be; but just maybe they could come close, or maybe something even stronger. Love needed obstacles to grow, right?
But he'd just walked out on her. Hadn't even fought for her. And she couldn't trust him. Her mind circling back on those two points. It always did. It was hard though, when the end came. He'd been all she knew for the past three or so years, it was Buffy and Angel. She wasn't sure she knew who just Buffy was, not anymore, not when she'd built her life so wrapped around him.
Everything reminded her of him, wherever she looked there was something. On television, every talk show dealt with cheating boyfriends, lying boyfriends, lost loves. In the movies it was the same deal. Her dorm room not only full of pictures of the two of them had many memories. Her bed where they spent a great deal of time basking in each others love, making love, giggling like school girls the night Willow had woken up and caught them. Her classes, Angel used to meet her there after them. The huge oak tree in the middle of the quad where she and Angel had shared many picnics. How was she supposed to move on, when she couldn't get away from him? How was she going to move on when she loved him more than even she thought possible?
Her friends, she wanted to strangle them all. Buffy knew they were trying to be sympathetic, but if she had to hear one more, "everything happens for a reason," and "you deserve better than him," Buffy was going to scream. Everything didn't happen for a reason, if everything happened for a reason the kiss would have never happened, and who were her friends getting off on telling her she deserved better? How can you deserve better than the best?
Five minutes, she'd gone five minutes without getting the urge to call him. Five minutes might be her new record. She could call, all she needed was an excuse, thinking she tried to remember if she'd left vital at his place. Maybe a textbook, from one of their many tutor sessions; or more like bring your books drop them on the floor and make love sessions. Looking at the floor she saw all seven of her textbooks, unfortunately she had them all. She had a toothbrush at his place, but she had one here as well, calling for a two dollar toothbrush wouldn't work. If only she'd gotten her drawer sooner, Angel had cleared out one of his drawers lining it with flowered tact paper for her, but Buffy had never gotten around to filling it yet. Mostly because she loved having to borrow his tee shirts and shorts. If she had clothes of her own it wouldn't work as well. She just wanted to hear his voice. It was sexy in the morning, that slight rasp and deep purr, the way he spoke her name, always coming out like poetry that only a lover could speak.
She just missed him. Despite all her better judgment, despite all her logic, her morals, every ounce of thought she possessed, Buffy couldn't help picking up the phone dialing the all too familiar digits. Her heart raced at the sound of the first ring. What would she say, what if, what if Cordelia was there, or he wasn't? What if his roommate picked up? She could feel the slight tremble of her body, her adrenaline picking up, it rung three times now.
"Hello?"
Buffy was silent. She could hear his heavy breathing, she'd woken him up. She wondered if he was naked, never one too care much for clothes. She could picture him lying in bed; the covers strategically placed covering his more than well endowed parts, the phone to his ear as he waited expectantly for her to speak. She wondered if he was alone. If he missed her as much as she missed him, if he found it as difficult to move on, to go on.
She'd spent the past week going over conversations in her head of what she'd say if and when she finally talked to him. Some more angry than others. All conversations starting off with how much she loved him. How because of him she knew what it felt like to love someone so madly and deeply that most of the time you couldn't think straight. She then went into how she knew they had their tiffs and occasional fights like all relationships, and how their ups and downs just brought them closer together.
That's when she went into the kiss. Explaining every detail, every thought and feeling that went through her, she remembering them all in clear detail. She even through in the occasional, "just wait till I'm done," knowing Angel would try and object to certain things she was saying. She'd explain how in her entire life, that day would be the worst day of her life, even in the years to come. How she never in thought it possible to crush someone so bad, so hard, so fast. How just thinking about the kiss killed her, and she couldn't help but think about it.
After she was finished telling her side of the story she'd ask him the necessary questions, the questions that plagued her to no end, questions such as why he did it, why it happened and how it happened, why Cordelia, what was he thinking or not thinking, how could he do it to her? And just the other insignificant facts that she didn't know just by watching the kiss.
She'd then go into the mightier than thou speech, where she wanted to stay with him because she loved him, but knew that ultimately things wouldn't work out, they couldn't after someone did something like that. Because after all not only did he cheat on her, but she had to watch it, she witnessed every painful second of it, her worst nightmare coming true. Because after all a crime so terrible must be punished, maybe her leaving would make him realize just how special she was, how special what they had was.
Of course, she expected him to interject, beg for her forgiveness, plead with her to take him back and give him a second chance. It was the only way it worked, because she couldn't break up with him, she wasn't strong enough. But at the same time, she knew Angel wouldn't beg. He'd let her go, knowing he messed things up and should suffer.
"Buffy," His voice asked, she could hear the slight uncertainty in his voice, "Is that you?"
Her name, it still rolled of his tongue in that sweet melodic way it always had, except different. Was it because he really didn't love her anymore, after all how could someone who loved you do that to a person? Was it because he was truly sorry? She didn't know; she didn't even know if she was just making this up, if in fact he said her name no different than always.
Placing the phone back in its cradle, leaving Angel only with the steady dial tone, Buffy let the tears that had been threatening to fall, fall. She couldn't take it any longer. She hated life, love, everything. What had she done that was so terrible, why did whatever power that was above hate her so much to cause her this much pain. Why did she have to not only meet, but fall in love with Angel if it was only going to turn to pain and heartache?
The beeping of the alarm clock went off again, it'd been ten minutes. She wondered how ten minutes could go by so slow yet the days flew by before she even realized. She wondered if it'd always been this way, or if because of her pain time shifted as it did. She didn't want to get up. Didn't want to get dressed, go to class. Didn't want the world to continue, not now, not with all the pain. It wasn't fair. Looking down at the white tank top she'd worn to bed she concluded she only really needed a pair of pants to wear, stretching to the floor she grabbed the pair of jeans she'd worn two days ago the last time she'd gone out- gone to class. Her hair felt weighted and greasy but a shower was too much work, extra effort and strength she didn't have for now it felt like she was using everything she had to keep from dying. With a slight sigh she finally got up and out of the bed walking to the dresser rummaging through her stuff looking for a hair band to tie her hair back. Picking up the deodorant stick she proceeded to put it on before splashing on some body spray it'd been a couple days now since she'd shower, at least now the sweet floral scent would hide some of the odor... she hoped at least. Walking to the closet she placed on a pair of white flip flops and grabbed her tote bag and books she needed for her psych class.
Buffy absentmindedly fiddled with the straw from her cup, her chin perched on her other hand, as she stared off in space.
It had taken much prodding from Willow but Buffy had eventually and reluctantly agreed to lunch with Riley. It seemed informal enough, not quite a date.
All she could think of was him. He'd been all she ever thought about though. Since the first time she met him at recess when she knocked him flat on his back playing freeze tag, till her first kiss eight years after that, and then to her first time another year later. Angel Rourke had been all Buffy was good at.
For as long as she could remember, Angel had been her purpose in life, from her best friend, to her first crush, to her first real boyfriend. It was hard to figure out what she was supposed to do with herself without him. He'd been her other half, and now she was just half a broken girl, lost in the world, unsure of her place.
Riley and Angel were about the same height and build, Riley slightly taller, Angel slightly more muscular. Riley, a dirty blonde; Angel, hair like a raven. Riley with pale blue eyes that sparkled in the spring's sun; Angel with deep chocolate pools that Buffy could sink into. Both men were quiet, although Angel's mystery was part of his allure, Riley just seemed quiet out of nervousness- like he wasn't sure what to say or do. She wondered if she'd fit into Riley body like she had Angel's; she wondered if she kissed him if she'd feel that magic spark, an almost electric feeling that Buffy was sure would last forever.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts upon realizing she'd started comparing the two again, she'd been doing that a lot since she'd agreed on the lunch meeting; comparing the two that was. It was hopeless too, she'd spend hours going in circles, getting herself nowhere; because she couldn't compare; because he couldn't compare.
It wasn't Riley fault, he was a nice guy after all; it's just he wasn't Angel. No one was Angel, and no one would be Angel. It didn't matter how much time had passed, one month, one year, one decade Angel would always be her Angel. The one man that she had truly, unconditionally loved.
After three years she knew all his faults, his quirks, and bad habits. His tendency to tell bad jokes at inappropriate times, how he couldn't sleep on the left side of the bed because when he woke up he wanted to wake up on the right side of the bed, she knew his stupid puns as well. She knew late at night and early in the morning he'd spend too long brooding over something, whether it be a painting that didn't come out like he had planned or a grade he hadn't been satisfied with.
Despite everything she loved him. She loved his slightly unproportional ears, and his slopped nose. She loved that smirk he took on when he thought about having sex with her; she loved everything that was Angel. She loved him, truly, madly, deeply. And she always would. It didn't matter how many Riley's came into her life, they wouldn't be Angel.
She hated herself, and she hated him even more. She hated fate, luck, karma, and anything that could have held the least bit of responsibility in that kiss.
She felt in part responsible for it, maybe if she'd have paid more attention to his needs, if she'd kissed him longer, made love that previous morning when he'd asked instead of rush off to class. Maybe if she'd been paying more attention to him he wouldn't have had to kiss Cordelia.
Every time she let her mind wander to that kiss, that incident, she could picture his hands grabbing Cordelia's ass, she could hear their lips smacking together in surround sound. Every detail vivid in her memory. Her pulse still quickening as it had that dreadful day.
She didn't understand why it happened. Why had he allowed it, he'd told her he loved her, and she'd been a fool and believed him. She didn't understand what Cordelia had that Buffy didn't. She didn't know why Angel couldn't have just come to her if they'd been having problems. The more Buffy analyzed that incident, the more unanswered questions she was left with.
And she hated him for that. She hated that he could make her feel the way she did, and she hated how he just left, walked out, never even attempted to give them a second chance. She hated that he hated her so much, and the fact that she didn't hate him at all; because try as she might she couldn't.
"So what do you think?" Riley voice piercing through Buffy's thoughts.
Buffy's eyes shot up, wondering how long she'd droned him out and what the last thing they'd been talking about was. Walsh, psychology... Freud? The hopeful look in Riley's eyes was giving Buffy the impression it wasn't any of those three.
"I don't know." She finally settled on, what did she think, she didn't know. That was good... right?
Riley's face fell, not able to stop the feeling of rejection. "Well maybe another time then." He answered trying not to let her answer bum him too much.
Another time? "Yeah."
What was she going to tell Willow, Buffy could already picture the red head sitting eagerly on the dorm bed, bubbling, waiting to hear every detail of their date. And what was Buffy going to tell her best friend, sorry I was spacing about Angel?
"On second thought, yes." Buffy corrected herself, wondering what she had just potentially gotten herself into.
Riley looked at her curiously, remembering Willow had told him once that Buffy was slightly peculiar, he assessed more of unsure than peculiar, but it was only a first date. "Great, ice cream it is."
"Ice cream." She repeated knowingly.
Ice cream was good; she could go for some cookie dough, full of fat, ice cream right now. Great pity food and she had been full of self pity.
"If ice cream isn't okay, maybe some cheese?" Riley asked unsure of himself, he'd watched as she zoned in and out for their entire date, and the hesitant acceptance she'd given him; he just didn't want to mess anything up.
He'd had a crush on Buffy since he'd seen her the first day of classes, and had instantly fallen hard. He watched with envy as her boyfriend... name started with A something, picked her up from classes everyday, watched the two walk hand in hand through the campus looking at each other as if they were the only people on the planet.
Riley wished every night before he drifted off to sleep that one day he'd get a chance with Buffy Summers; and now that his wish had come true he was going to do everything in his power not to mess his one chance up.
Her boyfriend had been stupid, letting go the best thing on earth go. He'd heard about the kiss; it was one of the top buzzes on campus for the first couple weeks after their break up. The couple wasn't the most popular, mostly sticking with the close stitched group of friends, but they hadn't gone unnoticed.
No Riley wasn't going to mess up his chance with Buffy.
"You're kind of peculiar." Buffy stated smiling for the first time on their date.
Riley could feel his heart race, blood pumping, at the beauty before him. When she smiled, the world was at peace; right then and there Riley made it his personal mission to continue making her smile; no matter the cost.
"I can live with that." Riley smiled back. "I'm not sure where to get cheese." He then stated, frowning; had that meant they were getting cheese, or that they were getting ice cream and she just thought he was slightly odd for offering cheese as well.
"Ice cream's fine." Buffy laughed, for the first time, Angel not the only thing on her mind.
By the time Buffy had gotten back to the dorms the sun had already set. And as much as she hated to admit it, she'd had a good time. Riley was nice, and she could live with that; for now.
Walking up to the dorm, she saw the scribbled message Willow had left for her on the dry erase board, she'd gone to a Wicca meeting, originally hoping to learn some spells and eventually settling on setting up bake sales for charity.
Willow would probably be home in an hour or two, thus giving Buffy some time to reflect on her lunch meeting, date, whatever it had been Buffy was confused right now.
Fiddling with the lock for a couple seconds, Buffy finally managed to unlock the door. Turning on the light she jumped back a few paces, startled at the sight before her.
Sitting on her bed, staring dejectedly up at her sat Angel. She didn't even want to know how he'd managed to get in; she'd told Willow before these dorms were unsafe.
"Angel...?"
She said, her tone making it clear that she didn't want him here.
She'd started to think she was getting over him; she'd managed to go through a whole date and make it through. No, Angel was not allowed to show up here, especially unannounced. And breaking and entering, she didn't even want to think about that.
He continued to stare, seemingly at nothing. The light from the room flickering off his face; when he finally spoke his voice came out choked and ragged. "I miss you," He whispered, "And I want a second chance."
Her head spun at the statement. Four hours ago his statement would have been everything Buffy dreamt of, and it's not like Buffy was planning on marrying Riley or anything, yes the date had gone better then expected but it wasn't earth shattering. But the date did prove one thing; Buffy could have fun without Angel. She could go on with her life, she could find someone new to care about and who'd care about her as well.
It's Angel, her heart screamed out; and he wants a second chance. She could forgive him, she already had. It didn't stop the pain though. It didn't stop the images. It didn't mean she'd trust him. It didn't mean she'd forget what he said to her that day.
"I don't know." She finally stated, her thoughts jumbling together.
Everything was happening so fast. When she looked into the future, he was what she saw, he played the lead role. Could she picture the two getting married, having the 2.5 children, white picket fence; yes. But right now it was more complicated. She just wished she could fast forward a good five or so years, everything would be more simple.
Her words hit him like a blow in the stomach. And he didn't blame her. He'd never forgive himself for the things he'd done to her; he was stupid and honestly didn't know what he was thinking. He knew she had many questions, most of which he couldn't answer. It was a long shot he knew, but after her call this morning, she'd been all he thought about and more than usual.
He'd tried, given his best shot. Getting up from the bed he was prepared to walk out on her, she deserved better than him, he was stupid to even come here. Almost at the door he heard her softly speak his name, cringing at the pain in her voice, the pain he caused.
"Maybe we can take things slow?" She offered her eyes hopeful. Slow and steady won the race right? A little at a time and maybe they could make it work. It'd take some time, she knew that, he knew that, and there'd be pain and tears, but just maybe their love could overcome it.
"I'll call you then?"
She smiled nodding, as he left the dorm room.
Her Angel, he was back. For the first time in a month, her crazy mixed up life had some semblance. Before Buffy had more time to think about everything that'd just transpired Willow walked into the dorm a confused expression on her face.
Pointing to the door, "Angel was here?" She'd just gotten out of the elevator when she'd swear she'd seen the back of Angel's head descending the stairwell. The look on Buffy's face when Willow walked in confirming her suspicions.
"We're giving it a second chance." Buffy stated not able to hide the smile that came with the statement. A second chance.
"What about Riley? Did the date go bad?"
Riley, she'd almost forgotten about him. Riley was nice, the date was nice. But it was Angel, didn't Willow understand?
"The date was nice." She offered.
"Then why the poopy man?" Willow asked, poopy man her new nickname for Angel after what he'd done to her best friend. She had a lot of other names for him, but the G-rated one seemed to be the best.
Why, because it's Angel her mind screamed. She didn't have an explanation, or at least not one that'd fit in a single sentence. An essay maybe, but not a simple sentence or even paragraph. "What if it was Oz?" She questioned, turning the tables around hoping Will would understand better.
Oz had left midway through the year, stating he needed to find himself. No other details given, not when he'd be back, not why all of a sudden he needed to do this, just he needed to find himself. Willow had been devastated. And even after all the months that had passed the subject was still sore.
Willow nodded understanding. If Oz came back Willow would be in his arms before he could even say hello. A sad smile crossing her face, she understood. "Poor Riley."
Part Two
... But I fear I have nothing to give,
I have so much to lose.
Here in this lonely place,
Tangled up in our embrace, there's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall ...
Showered and feeling fresh for the first time in awhile Buffy sat through psychology indolently doodling on the paper. At a nudge in her ribs from Willow, Buffy stopped her daydreaming, looking to her friend sheepishly before staring back down at her notes hoping no one else; especially Professor Walsh had noticed her spacey ness. Her paper full of spirals, hearts, and 'Buffy & Angel 4 Ever', the same thing she'd been doodling on her paper since she'd met him four years ago when he'd been merely a crush.
They'd get through this, Buffy was sure of that. There wasn't another option. The past month had been hell on earth for her, she couldn't imagine going through that for the rest of her life. No, she'd rather have that continual sense of doubt that be without her Angel... right? Yes, right now she couldn't trust him, but who'd blame her, but it'd get better, right, it had to? She couldn't not trust him for the rest of her life? She just had to program herself not to think of that night. Then maybe she'd forget.
But she didn't want to forget, and she didn't want him to forget. As much as it hurt she wanted them to remember what happened, because it happened and they needed to deal with it. They would deal with it, and one day, one day she'd be able to trust him like she used to. One day in the future, thinking about the kiss wouldn't shatter her heart; it wouldn't make her feel as if she were dying... someday.
She felt a pair of eyes on her, lifting her head she looked around till she felt his gaze. With a meek smile she nodded slightly at Riley, instantly feeling guilty. He was a nice guy she felt horrible having to break things off, because in all actuality she had fun on their date, lunch, whatever she wanted to call it. And when he got past his shyness, he wasn't as dull as she'd originally thought. And he had his charm, his blonde hair that fell in his face slightly and those crystal blue eyes and a smile she was sure made a lot of women's knees grow weak. He was also a perfect gentlemen, had Angel not shown up two days ago, Buffy would have gushed to Willow about that. He opened up door, pulled out chairs, paid for checks, didn't even try and kiss her at the end of the date, just gave a boyish grin and told her he had a great time and couldn't wait to do it again.
Thinking back on the date Buffy suddenly wasn't sure she'd made the right decision. Could she take things slow with Angel? And Riley, she didn't want to hurt him, he was sweet and nice, and she enjoyed the date, she'd even been looking forward to another one. But it was Angel. Her heart screamed annoyed at the tennis game she'd been playing, going back and forth between Riley and Angel.
No one could compare to Angel; he was Angel, words couldn't describe everything they'd shared together; he was her first love and would always hold a part in her heart that no one else could even attempt to fill. But he kissed Cordelia. And how was Buffy to know it wouldn't happen again, maybe a couple years later down the road. She couldn't.
Riley, he hadn't done anything like that to her; and something told Buffy even if he had it wouldn't hurt the way it had when Angel had. Riley couldn't hurt Buffy because she didn't love him, and something told her she'd never love him, not in the way she loved Angel. Riley would be the safe choice, the easier choice. If she went out with Riley she wouldn't have to risk getting hurt. But would it be worth it? And would it be fair, at least to Riley?
She just wished she could go back in time. Everything would be easier if she could just find a time machine go back before the kiss and make sure it never happened, somehow.
The rustling of backpacks and teens getting up from their seats drew Buffy from her thoughts. Seeing Riley start to walk over to her, she hurried with her notebook jamming it in her knapsack praying she could exit before having to talk to him, not sure what'd she say.
"Hey Buffy."
Luck not on her side lately it seemed, smiling at Riley Buffy turned looking for help from Willow who had already made it to the door giving her friend a 'you-can-do-it' look before leaving the classroom.
"I had a great time."
Smiling again Buffy nodded, she wasn't lying, she did have a great time.
She watched as his weight shifted from one side to the next, and could tell he was getting the nerve up to ask her out. She felt the dread at the pit of her stomach, not sure what she'd do then.
"Listen, a couple of the guys," He started off, Buffy knowing the guys referred to his frat brothers, "They're throwing this party, end of the semester type thing and it'd be great if you came."
Seeing Buffy about to object, Riley continued on. "You can bring whoever you want, and I mean it's not like it's a date, just a party, right?"
Buffy left the classroom still contemplating why she'd said yes, her heart had yelled no but her mouth wasn't listening, the word coming out sounding foreign to her ears. But she'd agreed to the shindig and would now have to beg and plead with Willow to come with her tonight.
Buffy hadn't been to a party in a month, not since... somehow Buffy could tell this was not going to be good, and needed Willow there for comfort and support.
Pink or teal, she couldn't decide. She didn't know why she was making such a big deal over the party, it wasn't a date, Angel wouldn't be there, but she couldn't resist the urge to impress Riley. And so for the past ten minutes she'd been battling over pink or teal. The pink sundress came just above her knees with thin straps a plunging neckline and hugged her in all the right places. The teal a slightly shorter tube dress that was once again quite form fitting, one of Angel's favorites she remembered. With that Buffy slipped the pink sundress back on. Pink it was.
Now all there was to do was hair, make-up, and beg Willow yet again to go with her. Yes finals were important but one night wouldn't make that much a difference. Sometimes she didn't understand her bookworm friend. Walking to her dresser she pulled out the small tote bag holding her makeup, deciding to keep it light and fresh for spring and all, the phone rung, hoping it was Willow telling Buffy she'd go, Buffy rushed to the phone with an eager, "Hello".
"Buffy."
At the voice on the other side of the line Buffy almost dropped the cordless phone, forgetting all about the party, Riley, and Willow at Angel's voice.
"Hey." She stammered her voice suddenly sounding very childlike and shy.
"I thought you'd be out."
"I, uh, no." She finally settled on, not wanting to explain her plans or Riley more matter-of-factly.
"How've you been?"
"Good and you?" She asked wondering when they had gotten so nervous, unattached, void of emotion... take your pick.
"I've been thinking about you a lot."
His comment catching her slightly off guard, "Really?"
"I was wondering if you'd want to grab a bite to eat." He offered wondering why his heart was beating so fast as he waited for her answer, "If you didn't already eat or have plans that was." He finished slightly lamely.
Buffy shook her head no before remembering he couldn't see her, "No, I don't have plans." At least not anymore, her mind continued dully.
"I can pick you up in twenty minutes."
Telling him that was fine, she hung up the phone immediately feeling guilty, and a little disappointed, she was kind of looking forward to the party. Maybe dinner wouldn't last long and she could make some excuse to leave and swing by the party, after all it was only just past eight, the party wouldn't even start for another couple hours. With that decided Buffy smiled, knowing full well she was getting herself in over her head but not caring for the first time. She and Angel were taking things slow as well as her and Riley. And time would tell everything she needed; maybe she didn't have to get rid of Riley, not yet at least.
Dinner was uneventful to say the least, Angel had taken her to the sushi restaurant she absolutely adored and he hated, having told her many times in the past that seaweed, rice, and fish was not a meal. During dinner Angel poked at his food while Buffy gobbled hers down not realizing how hungry she was, as the two made small talk both skillfully maneuvering their way around everything involving the kiss. Neither wanting to bring it up, even though said topic was what had been on both their minds. After dinner they two had gone to the deli right around the corner where Angel got his club sandwich and French fries, starving.
Looking down at her watch Buffy realized it was past ten and wondered where the time had gone, yes dinner had been on the awkward side but she'd had a great time, she always did with Angel. She didn't want to leave, but she wanted to go to the party as well. Riley had said she could bring anyone, although something told Buffy when he's said that he meant Willow or maybe even Xander, not her ex, current, whatever he was boyfriend Angel.
"By the way, I really like your dress." Angel mused, a grin on his face.
Rolling her eyes Buffy accepted the compliment, having changed back into the teal after Angel called.
"Hey, there's a party if you wanted to go." Buffy finally stated after the lull of silence settled between the two as they walked hand in hand through the park.
Did he want to go to a party, not really, he wanted to bask in her presence, make sure she understood how much he loved her and how sorry he was for everything he'd done, he had a whole romantic night planned out for them back at the apartment, but after three years of dating Buffy her seemingly casual suggestion was more like a pleading I really want to go, so he agreed, deciding he'd hold off on the rest of their night to a later point in time. Because if anything, his second chance with her, was teaching Angel how special she was, and how if she'd allow him, he'd spend the rest of his life showing her just how much she meant to him.
Buffy had not been completely certain where the house Riley had told her was, but the blaring music that could be heard from the streets, the massive amount of light, and people milling around the front yard helped Buffy successfully find the frat house.
It was just past eleven when Buffy and Angel had gotten here meaning the party was probably just getting started. Walking through the screen of smoke fanning her hand in front of her face hating the smell, Angel following close behind the two made their way into the house, instantly greeted by on the frat brothers, who if Buffy remembered correctly was Forest. Smiling at the couple, instantly recognizing Buffy from the vast amounts of times Riley brought her name up, he told her she could go on in before stating to Angel cover charge was five dollars. Grumbling and reaching into his back pocket Angel pulled out his wallet, producing a twenty and waited for change before walking over to where Buffy had been standing. Both were handed a red cup and instructed that the keg was out back.
Looking around for Riley Buffy tried to listen as Angel yelled over the music, asking her what she wanted to do and if she wanted a drink.
Shaking her head for the drink, not caring too much for beer, especially after her freshman year incident, which involved dancing naked and a bon fire, Buffy grabbed Angel's hand leading him over to an empty spot on the ratted couch. Both sitting down watching as the already drunk college students engaged in a stirring game of flip cup.
After sitting for five or so minutes, Angel excused himself telling Buffy he was going to get a drink. Nodding, she felt the couch shift as he got up and watched as he made his way out back; she'd forgotten how nice of a backside he had, his broad chest turning into a skinny waist and an ass to die for. She could feel the metaphorical drool come out her mouth at the sight, all the lusty feelings she'd had for him coming back full force at the sight.
The tap on her shoulder scared Buffy back into the real world. Turning around, as her heart slowed back to normal, Buffy saw Riley's smiling face.
"I wasn't sure you'd show."
She saw his lips moving, but couldn't make out what he was saying. Giving him a blank look she shouted, "What".
Bending over, he shouted again closer to her ear. She smiled and nodded at his comment, not really knowing what to say.
"Are you here by yourself?" Riley asked, feigning innocent, knowing full well she wasn't, he'd seen her with that bastard of a boyfriend, and Forest had informed him as well.
She looked like a deer caught and headlights, and knew it, at his comment. No, she wasn't by herself; she was with Angel, who'd be back any second now. Suddenly the party really wasn't sounding good, what she'd been thinking, she wasn't sure... if she was even thinking.
Seeing Buffy contemplating in her head what to say, Riley excused himself flimsily, telling her he was going to continue making the rounds, and that he'd talk to her later.
Relieved Buffy smiled again, telling him she'd talk to him later as well. Once again Buffy sat alone, declining a game of flip cup and asshole, instead drifting back into her lusty thoughts of Angel. After running through many different scenarios involving Angel taking off his clothes, and memories of their lovemaking, Buffy noticed Angel hadn't come back yet, wondering what was taking so long, she got up from the couch, waving to a girl whose name she couldn't remember but knew from psychology as she passed her, Buffy walked out back, stopping dead in her tracks, her heart speeding up, feeling dizzy she watched in horror as Cordelia Chase shamelessly flirted with Angel.
She watched as a not very comfortable Angel smiled tightly back at the girl, his eyes darting around looking for a way out, but didn't see him making any real attempts to move. At the sight, everything she'd been trying so hard to push away came rushing back. Buffy was transported back a month watching in horror as Angel kissed Cordelia on that couch in his apartment, his hands gripping her shorts, as their tongues dueled lustily. Feeling the waves crash down on her, it being hard to breathe again, Buffy ran away, back into the depths of people, everything spinning, everything hurting again, the only thing she was able to think about was finding Riley, it was her mission and she wouldn't stop until she did. It hadn't taken long to find him either, he hadn't been far away. Rushing to him she crushed her body up to his, kissing him feverishly wanting to forget, to forget everything, the kiss between Angel and Cordelia a month ago, to forget Cordelia flirting with Angel tonight, to forget the pain and anger. She felt as he tentatively wrapped his arms around her almost unsure what to do, which she didn't blame him for. Finally pulling back for air, she whispered in his ear, and followed seconds later as he led her up to his room.
Part Three
What had she done? It was all she could think as the hot water ran over her body, cleansing her; wishing it could wash away what she'd done as well. His hands, she could still feel them on her body, first pinching her pert breasts, moving to her navel and then... she could feel his lips on her own, trailing butterfly kisses over her neck, her collarbone, and downward again. She could feel the tears that threatened to fall, the same tears she'd fought back the previous night as she felt his girth move in and out of her body. It should have felt good, he'd done everything right, her body had been more than willing but her heart... her heart screamed out in protest, ultimately losing the battle. As Riley moved in and out inside her to his own climax a single tear fell from Buffy's face.
She hadn't known what she'd been thinking after seeing Cordelia flirting with Angel. Actually, she did know. Flirting lead to kissing, she couldn't- no wouldn't- stand around and watch that happen again. Yes, Angel had not looked like he wanted to be there, but in the time she'd stood there watching he hadn't made one attempt to leave. So she left instead.
Was it wrong to use Riley like she had, probably, but Riley hadn't seemed to mind. Riley didn't exactly know he was being used, but it didn't matter.
He'd been calling her for the past week, she'd managed to dodge both him and Angel for a week, not ready for a confrontation from either right now; she still had her own stuff to sort out.
She was still mad about the kiss, hurt and heart broken too. But she'd slept with Riley... did that make her like Angel, or even better yet, worse? Technically they weren't together, he'd broken things off over a month ago now; but they had planned to take things slow.
She wouldn't get over what happened, seeing him with Cordelia proved just that. It's not like for the rest of his life he wouldn't talk to another girl again; that idea was absolutely absurd. But she knew that in the back of her mind whenever he was not with her, Buffy would be thinking of one thing, was he being loyal to her? Not that she was the shiny epitome of loyalty herself these days; but to be fair, first Angel didn't know and second if Angel did know he didn't have to witness it, which is hundreds of times better. He could only imagine what happened; he didn't have the images burned into her memory like scars.
And even more importantly, she had to deal with what happened with Riley. Did she tell Angel, could she? They were taking things slow, a confession such as that would surely ruin any hope of them getting back together. So, the more pertinent question was, could she see herself with him in the long run? The answer, obviously, yes. Which led her back into the great dilemma, what to do about Riley. Shutting off the shower, her hands and feet resembling prunes, she wrapped the purple fluffy towel around her body, grabbing her shower bucket making her way back into the room, her shower shoes flopping and squishing with each step she took.
Not bothering with clothes at the moment, Willow still having classes for another forty five minutes or so, Buffy rummaged through her "black book" looking for Riley's number before grabbing the phone placing it next to her on the bed and dialing his number, holding her breath as the phone rang, praying he'd pick up; not that she even knew what she'd say.
"I was hoping you'd call."
Buffy said nothing, wondering if he knew who it was, or if it was even Riley, his voice sounding different.
"Caller ID." He continued, already picturing her sitting in her dorm room pondering how he knew who it was.
She let out a silent "Oh," before remembering she was on the phone and he couldn't see her, "Right." She spoke out loud, trying to quickly gather her thoughts.
"You haven't been in class." He started for her, knowing full well she'd been avoiding him since the party.
"I've been busy." She lied, unless of course lying in bed watching trashy talk shows and Seinfeld reruns classified as busy.
"About the party," Riley started off, hearing Buffy making objecting sounds, "It was a mistake, let's just forget about it." The relieved sigh that came from her end of the receiver broke his heart. That wasn't how the conversation played out in his head, in his head she adamantly told him how wrong that accusation was how the night at the party had been magical. But Riley knew he'd been kidding himself, her sigh just making his worst fears reality.
"I'm really sorry." Buffy offered, truly meaning it, she felt horrible. She shouldn't have taken her hurt and anger from Angel out on him, it hadn't been right what she'd done, but at the time she hadn't cared. "Friends?" She questioned finally, knowing they wouldn't be friends, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
"I'd like that." Riley lied, the blonde had been all he could think about since they day he'd seen her, the events that took place last week only fueling his desire for her; there was no way he could sit there and watch as she chased and lusted after other men, especially if said men were Angel.
"I guess I'll see you in psych."
"Yeah," Riley agreed, listening to the small click that came when she hung up the phone, listening as the shrill dial tone came before placing the phone back in the cradle listening as silence over took the room again.
The crisp grass underneath her feet tickled slightly with each step she took. The dandelion in her hand becoming a yellow blur as she twirled it faster and faster between her fingers, lost in her thoughts.
Mainly Riley. She felt incredibly guilty, she knew of his feelings, well at least that he had feelings for her and she'd used them to her advantage. She needed to get lost in something and he was the perfect candidate. She was a horrible person.
What was even worse was she didn't care. Not about Riley at least, it was Angel she was worried about. The rejection and disappointment in Riley voice when she'd been talking on the phone was hard but bearable, but how could she handle it if it came out of Angel's mouth? She couldn't tell him; it wasn't important- in the strictest of senses, and technically they weren't together...
She could do it, keep this secret from him, no one would get hurt, and they could have their second chance, it's what both wanted after all. Still lost in thought she didn't hear the person creep up behind her until both strong hands landed across her shoulders, letting out a yelp she spun around coming face to face with Angel.
"You don't sneak up on a person... you stomp or... yodel."
With a guilty look in his eyes he apologized, it seemed lately all he did was cause her pain. He'd lost her at the party they went to a week ago, one minute he was outside getting a beer the next minute she'd vanished into thin air. And then for the past week she'd been dodging him and his phone calls, seeing her alone was the perfect chance to talk to her.
Buffy cringed; it had meant to come out as a joke. "What's the up?" She asked, hoping to lighten the conversation, while quickly scanning her brain for an excuse as to why she left him at the party. Immediately her mind went to Willow but that was too risky, Willow and Angel occasionally talk... she could do the Cordelia card but somehow using that made her feel guilty, even more so than she already was. She could be tired... tired was flimsy but it was the best spur of the moment choice if she needed it.
"I wanted to talk."
By the tone of his voice and the seriousness on his face she could tell they weren't going to be talking about bunny rabbits and gum drops.
Taking her hand he led her to the large oak tree resting in the middle of campus; not the exact place or time he had wanted to talk to her, but they were alone and well he'd take what he got.
"Cordelia came up to me at the party," He started off, seeing Buffy's mouth open about to say something he shushed her before continuing, "I told her to leave."
"Did you now?" Her tone accusing, Buffy not able to stop the words as they came out of her mouth, "That's not what I saw."
Angel looked confused and slightly guilty, yes, he had let Cordelia flirt some before telling her to leave and never talk to him again, but Buffy had seen... which was why she'd vanished from the party, it made sense now. "You have to believe me, nothing happened." Again, he added silently to himself. Because he wouldn't let anything happen again, he couldn't lose her again, if she told him to move mountains he'd ask how far, if she told him to jump, he'd ask how high; anything to keep her.
"I believe you." She answered dully, not just because of what she'd seen, or rather not seen, but how could she be mad at him when well, what happened with her and Riley.
Taking both hands in his larger ones, he kissed each palm, "I thought I'd lost you, believe me, I won't let anything happen like this again, I was stupid, I don't know what I was thinking. I hadn't wanted this kiss; I don't know why it happened."
Buffy listened as Angel rambled on, slightly uncharacteristic of him, but well lately everything they did was slightly uncharacteristic, so who was she to judge. She listened as he professed his love for her, as he recalled some of their better moments in history, as he pointed out spots on the campus that held memories for the two of them, stuff she'd done as well over the years. But it was nice hearing it come from Angel.
Her heart raced as she entered the apartment, she couldn't remember if it was operant or classic conditioning that made her heart race, the stimulus and response she couldn't help but think maybe she should have paid more attention to Professor Walsh lecture. Either way, her heart was racing and she could feel the dizzy spells coming on as she passed by the couch, that couch that held the reason for the worst day of her life. Maybe coming here wasn't a good idea after all. Angel's hold around her waist tightened as if he were reading her thoughts, bending down to whisper in her ear she heard a sweet "I love you". Putting on her best brave face she smiled up at him, she could do this. Walking past the couch and into the bedroom he swept her off her feet carrying her bride groom style to the bed placing her gently down on it.
Hovering over her, he placed gentle kissed up and down her body. "Are you sure?" He asked, always the gentlemen, but praying she'd say yes because at this point, well he'd reached the point of no return to put it mildly.
Shaking her head yes, Angel smiled in relief before capturing her lips in a heated kiss. He had to take things slow, he repeated over and over in his head, he could feel the tension in the room, both slightly nerve wracked and unsure about everything. He had to show her how much she meant to him, and he couldn't do that in an eight minute romp. Breaking off the kiss he trailed butterfly kisses along her jaw line to her neck, pausing there to suckle the smooth flesh before traveling down to her pert breast covered only by a bra and cotton tank top, latching on he suckled the material before moving on to the next one giving it the same attention as he had the first, his one hand snaking up into the shirt to massage the pert nipple between his thumb and finger, working it into a hard bud. He felt her weight shift on the bed as her legs spread wider, her eyes closed; he smiled knowing he was doing his job.
She could feel the need grow stronger and stronger down in her core; a few good pinches... a couple of rubs... she'd be sent over the edge. It'd been so long, over a month since she'd been able to come, to climax into the sea of oblivion, even if it only lasted a few seconds. She heard the husky moan escape her lips, the sound foreign to her ears; had she always sounded so... needy? Not able to take his sweet torments any longer, her nimble fingers attacked his jeans, shaky hands undoing his button and then zipper, as soon as she'd gotten it down his erection springing free from his pants.
Positioning him on top of her, she arched her hips up to meet his. Pinning her hips down, her stared deeply into her eyes, making sure this was okay with out words. Seeing her nod slowly she smiled. She could do this, she wanted- no needed- to do this.
Unlike most of their lovemaking sessions, this one was slower, more passionate, more loving and tender. Both unsure of what to do, how to act, like it had been their first time all over again. Although in a way it had been their first time, it was their first time since the incident and the first time since they'd decided to take things slow over a week ago.
Her body sticky and sweaty from their lovemaking session, Buffy sailed off to sleep in the arms of her lover. Their limbs still entangled.
Watching the steady rise and fall of her back along with the soft snore, Angel knew she was asleep. Combing his fingers through her silky locks everything was right in his world again. Did they still have a lot to figure out, to talk about and move past; yes. But right now it didn't matter. All that mattered was they were together, they were in each others arms again, and for now that was enough for both of them. With that last thought Angel drifted into the dream world along with his lover.