The Pain of Loving a Clan
Four months had passed by and in the beginning Aoshi-sama and I had done nothing but greet each other with small glances and quiet nods of the head. I constantly watched him, stole glances of him even if my would-be suitors where sitting by my side. I often wondered what Aoshi-sama was thinking as he caught my gaze and then the stares of young men that Okina picked out for me to choose from. It was horrible though, trying to choose one man over the other. They all had good intentions, but still I didn't wish to hurt any of them…and none had made me smile until I met…Takuya-san. It had only been days, but with his carefree and yet sometimes serious attitude, I started to laugh, to smile and to bring myself out again. It was because of him I could look up at Aoshi-sama and finally greet him again with an 'Ohayoo gozaimasu' and so on. I hadn't done that in so long that even he looked surprised…and then he quietly responded.
Days moved on and I was surprised that I was preparing tea once more for Aoshi-sama, but not only for him, for Takuya-san as well. I had interrupted them in the dining hall, but was asked to stay by Takuya-san and felt torn between running away and sitting down. That is when I found out that Takuya-san asked Aoshi-sama if he could meditate at the temple with him. There was a long pause, even Takuya-san was growing weary of Aoshi-sama's quietness, but Aoshi-sama finally lifted his head and placed on his lips was a small smile as he had replied,
I'd be honoured.
Where had my usual Aoshi-sama gone? And why was he being so nice to the man I was meant to marry? I remained seated and dazed as Aoshi-sama took his leave from the both of us before Takuya-san's smiling face took up my vision.
Gomen ne Misao-san, but I believe this is something that I must do, to honour the ex-Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. It is my duty to share with your ex-leader, like I have with Nenji-san, all of my clan's history…and my family one as well. I will then hope that he would accept my being your future husband.
I remember blushing at his words. He wanted Aoshi-sama's approval as well and not just Okina's. It meant Takuya-san wanted to be an outstanding choice for me by the man that used to be our leader, by the man I constantly thought about. So that's what I had been doing, preparing tea and fretting over what the outcome would be.
It wasn't long before I had to begin to control my nerves as I walked quietly to the area where Aoshi-sama would meditate at the temple. I stopped at the closed shoji and was ready to announce myself when I could hear the muffled voice of Takuya-san…and for the life of me I couldn't help but eavesdrop.
I apologise for cutting into your meditation Shinomori-sama, but I would imagine this place is the one you feel most comfortable in right?
Why do you insist on calling me 'sama'? I am no longer the Okashira.
This is true, but a very pretty young woman will always be your subordinate no matter how long the years have gone by. I wish to honour her by referring to the one she looks up to the most as 'Lord'.
Have you come to speak to me about Misao?
You refer to her so casually. Is your relationship that defined?
What my and Misao's relationship is, is none of your concern. What have you come here for Takuya-san?
I merely wish to have your approval.
Why? Shouldn't you only be looking into the eyes of Misao for that?
What do you mean?
No matter who accepts you or not, the only acceptance that matters is the one from Misao. She is not a child and therefore will choose her husband on her own even if Okina tries to persuade her to choose you.
What if the one she wants is not even in the line-up of husbands to choose from?
What are you implying?
By then I could take no more and knocked on the door. The conversation would have to remain unfinished and so I let myself in and poured them tea as I spoke with a fake smile on my face to the both of them about small things like the markets or the weather. There was tension in the air, but I thought it best to remain "oblivious" to it all.
And then, as the tea dissolved, the day grew long and it was time to finally leave Aoshi-sama to his meditation, but my plans to escape had been foiled by Takuya-san himself.
Misao-san, I'll take these back to the Aoiya for you while you and Shinomori-sama discuss some matters.
I watched him leave then and the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter as I stared at the floorboards while I felt the icy gaze of Aoshi-sama look upon my bowed head.
You have chosen well Misao.
Eh?
Takuya-san is a good man…and…though you voice nothing, he does feel correct to lead the Oniwabanshuu correct?
Aoshi-sama…
You have my blessing Misao.
At that all I could remember was crying and while I wept Aoshi-sama never embraced me like he would when I was young. Instead he just allowed me to weep in front of him for many long minutes. It was a cry that I needed and once it was over I hadn't thanked him or anything and just remembered yelling one childish remark before fleeing.
BAKA!
I guess in some ways, even if years had gone by I wanted to still be selfish and have him for myself. I felt guilt ridden when I gazed upon Takuya-san's face as I approached the Aoiya. He saw my red eyes, questioned if I was all right, but I could not face him and rushed to my private quarters. I remained there for the rest of the evening…and was awoken the next day by a smiling Omasu and Okon.
Today was the day I'd be wed to Takuya-san.
So I decided to cheer up and here I was sitting down on a stool with Omasu and Okon fusing over me as they placed me into a wedding kimono.
I may have looked cheerful on the outside, but my insides were screaming for me to run away, to run back to Aoshi-sama, to beg him to listen, to understand, to hear my heart cry out to him…and yet here I remain seated in front of a mirror. I fisted my hands in my lap as I closed my eyes while Omasu powdered my face. Aoshi-sama, it is time for me to let you go…for good. I could never allow myself to continuously think of you while with Takuya-san. He is a good man and therefore deserves all the love I can give him.
"Mou, Okon, where is the lipstick?" Omasu spoke with a slightly panicked voice.
"Its right here, but where is Misao's hair clips?" These two would slowly drive me insane as they moved around the room in great speed and sheer panic.
"Will you two relax, I'm not going anywhere…and the wedding isn't happening for another three hours yet." I was surprised at my voice not betraying the hurt that was fluttering around my entire being. I watched them slow down as they knelt beside me to look into the mirror and comment on how beautiful I was. I smiled for them, but could they not see how unhappy I was? Was I hiding it too well from them?
A knock at the shoji and my eyes darted hopefully to it, but it slid across to reveal my Jiya in fancy dress, black haori and hakama to be exact. He looked really good…and he had even gotten rid of his pink bow too.
"Omasu, Okon, please go see the guests. I wish to speak with Misao-chan alone."
"Mou, Okina, how many times must I tell you that Misao is a grown woman and shouldn't be referred to as Misao-chan anymore."
"Ah, hai, hai…" He muttered as we both watched them leave, all dolled up in the most expensive kimonos'. It wasn't long before Jiya's wrinkled face turn to gaze at me.
"Ah, my pretty Misao is all grown up!" I felt my face cringe slightly as he began to blubber and mumbled repeatedly.
"Jiya…I…" I couldn't finish as the elderly man grew serious and it shocked me as he placed his hand on my shoulder, made me face him before he turned determined eyes to my weary ones.
"Misao, I truly want you to fulfill your grandfather's desire of looking after the welfare of the Oniwabanshuu and continuing on with the bloodline as well. Misao, your grandfather wants you happy, I want you happy, but…"
"But?" Oh no, could he read me that well? Could he see that although Takuya-san made me smile and laugh I was still crushed that Aoshi-sama wasn't meant to be mine?
"Takuya-san is not going to be marrying you. He has called off the wedding and has apologised to the guests and left." My eyes widened at this information.
"Wh-What…?"
"Misao dear, it's been several months and Takaya-san has relayed to me that you are not happy with him like he had hoped." Oh no! I didn't mean to hurt him! Its just that I…
"I know you didn't mean to hurt him…and he doesn't hate you either. In fact, he is more then happy to free you from this trap. Although his clan would have been welcome to merge with ours, he felt it right that he could never take your heart from the one that had already taken it." My eyes widened even more and I watched Jiya sigh. He already knew exactly whom Takuya-san was talking about.
"Are you…disappointed in me Jiya?" I quietly spoke, my head bowed as I didn't wish to look at my white powdered face in the mirror. I was a failure to him and my real ojiisan.
"Iie…" Glancing up I watched his reflection in the mirror. "In fact, I'm sorry I made you go through this. I should have known that my dear Misao-chan's heart could never be swayed from the troubled soul she loves. You are very much…like your mother."
"Honto desu ka?" I felt tears pool in my eyes when Jiya bent down to hug me lightly.
"She was refused many times by your father and even the acceptance of your grandfather too, but she persisted, became everything that she needed to be to become a good wife for the future Okashira. Your mother carried her heart on her sleeve; much like you do Misao…and in fact even if she had suitors she would never stray far from your father's side. I guess that is why after seeing her from afar, of all the things she went through for him, he loved her more and more each passing day. In the end, they died protecting each other…and I know you'd do the very same for your chosen one."
"Jiya…gomen…" I choked out and before I knew it I was crying heavily into his arms. Oh Aoshi-sama, I love you so much! Can you not see what I have become in front of your eyes?
I felt reassuring hands against my back as my Jiya mumbled soothing words to me. It just reminded me of all the times Aoshi-sama used to when I'd scrap or bump myself. He was so soft, so warm and so caring back then. I knew that the Aoshi-sama I remembered was inside this one, he was just so afraid of letting go and even if he couldn't be that Aoshi-sama I remember I still love him as this Aoshi-sama. Perhaps he needed to hear that from me? But wouldn't that be more pressure on him to run further from my side? I couldn't bare that to happen.
"Should I…apologise to the guests?" I mumbled against Jiya's damn clothing.
"Iie, I've assigned Omasu and Okon to do just that."
"They knew all along?" I murmured once more and felt Jiya lightly laugh.
"Of course, you're our Misao-chan, we know everything." At that I smacked him out of sheer habit.
"I was so worried about disappointing you!" I snapped while rubbing fiercely at my face to wipe it of all this make-up.
"Misao-chan, your Jiya will never be disappointed in what you do, just don't take too long in bearing kids. I want to see at least one Shinomori running around before I go." I flushed a bright red at his words.
"J-J-Jiya! Mou! Stop embarrassing me like this!" I slapped his arm as he pulled away from me. "Be-Besides, Aoshi-sama is not…"
"Hai, hai Misao-chan, your Aoshi-sama just needs some persuading…and perhaps a little bit more time…like a few weeks perhaps?" I watched the cackling old man leave my sleeping quarters with a wave of his wrinkled hand. I couldn't help but smile even if I knew that comment was only meant to cheer me up as I knew it wasn't true.
Arigatou, Jiya.
I felt a breeze caress my face and knew I was in need of a nice walk. I stepped out into the hallway and the Aoiya seemed eerily quiet for this time of day, but of course all the guests would be departing and no one would come to see me because of the news that Takuya-san had left and wouldn't marry me.
Heading downstairs I moved out into Okina's garden and took a small stroll. The breeze felt good against my flushed face, as I had scrubbed a little too hard to rid myself of white powder, red lipstick and black eyeliner. Eyeing a stone bench I slowly moved towards it and sat down while looking over at the setting sun.
"Where are all the guests?" I felt every muscle in my body clench in tightness at that baritone voice. Slowly, ever so slowly I twisted by body and Aoshi-sama stood before me dressed in a black western suit. Oh he looked so handsome like that.
"Did I miss the wedding? Okina told me it was at sunset in the garden." Eh? Miss the wedding? Aoshi-sama seemed to be the last to know. What was I to say now?
"Ano…the wedding…was cancelled." Silence…a thick silence engulfed us before I felt his shoes crunch against the pebbles as he headed my way. I scrunched my eyes shut and knew he was standing right beside me. Gomen ne Aoshi-sama, I couldn't marry another. I couldn't marry another without loving them whole-heartedly and so I failed everyone, as I couldn't let go of my love for you.
"Makimachi-sama…" I lifted my eyes to see Aoshi-sama standing prominently by my left side with his hands thrust into the trousers of his outfit. "…would only want the best for you Misao. If you are not happy then you should have told Okina in the first place." I fisted my hands in my lap. I couldn't believe at a time like this Aoshi-sama was scolding me. He knew nothing of my pain over the years and he was scolding me!
"I…I…" I had so many thoughts roaming around that none could be spoken.
"If you have something to say then just say it Misao." Oh right that's it! In an instant I was off the stone bench, jerking Aoshi-sama to my direction and yelling like a spoiled brat with tears falling down my cheeks.
"I'm not someone that can just randomly toss the one I've loved since I was little away in my heart and forget about him. I know everyone knows whom I love, you even know Aoshi-sama and yet you do nothing but remain calm and collected about it. How can you sit there and watch me fall apart without even saying anything? I always thought that the Aoshi-sama from years ago would come back, would be the caring one I knew, but even if he can't, even if he doesn't merge it won't stop me from loving you!" I gasped when Aoshi-sama took a step closer and I was soon engulfed in his embrace. I was weeping like a baby into his chest as my arms wrapped around him to clutch at his dinner jacket.
"It hurts Aoshi-sama, my entire being is tired of feeling like this. I want everyone to be proud of me and yet all I do is fail. I failed at trying to lead them…and now I failed at getting a husband too! I just want…something good to go right for once."
"Do you remember Misao…" I pulled slightly away from Aoshi-sama then, even if I felt my heart flutter when his grip did not loosen around me, as I tilted my head to look up at him. He was staring off in the distance, trying to finish what he wanted to say. "You asked me what a wife was."
"Eh?" I froze in his arms when his green eyes moved back to my face. With the sun setting, the birds calling it a night as they chirped for the lat time, I was right where I wanted to be. In Aoshi-sama's arms and completely mesmerised by him.
"I said they were to protect their husband from all the wrongs they did in their lives. They were to be just like a sword's saya. After that you had said you'd do that for me. I never knew as time went on, even with so much blood on my hands, you still want to be a saya for me." You truly have no idea I'd go to the far reaches of the earth to be and do whatever you wish of me Aoshi-sama. I'll love you for all of time no matter if I disappoint my grandfather.
"Aoshi-sama?"
"Mm?"
"A…Aishiteru…" I waited with baited breath, heart thumping in my ears and when nothing came I felt my heart plummet to my stomach. I wanted to flee at this very moment, but my eyes grew wide as it was either the glare of the sun or there was moisture in my Aoshi-sama's eyes!
"That…is the first time…I have ever heard those words spoken to me." Aoshi-sama, you truly are the soul I'm meant to take care of. Ojiisan, this is the man that is meant to be with me. This man before me, Shinomori Aoshi is what I truly need most of all. I will do right by you…I will hand the Oniwabanshuu over to the one I see fit and that is…
"Okaeri nasai." I watch as his eyes widen when I pull from his arms and then proceed to bow before him, like a loyal subordinate does to their…
"Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, Aoshi Shinomori." The one I love…the one who is our leader was the only man for me and the only man meant for this role. My ojiisan already knew this long ago, but it was my turn to finally realise it as well.
"Misao…you…" And he was stuck for words, he almost looked choked up at this display of love and loyalty to him. So kawaii…my Aoshi-sama was.
My eyes lifted from the ground as I felt a gloved hand lift my chin. The wind picked up and blew Aoshi-sama's jet-black bangs about the place. I watched his eyes draw intensely to mine…and something twitched against his lips. Could it be…?
"Tadaima, Misao." Aoshi-sama…Aoshi-sama accepted! I rose to my feet and thrust myself into his already open arms. How times had changed and yet I was still blubbering, but I guess as Aoshi-sama stroked my back comfortingly, he truly didn't mind.
"Ah, Misao-chan, don't forget to tell Aoshi-sama my request!" ACK! I completely thrust myself away from Aoshi-sama in complete embarrassment at being captured…or did Jiya spy on us? I felt my face redden as he did nothing but wave at us before being pulled inside by Omasu, Okon, Shiro and Kuro! Hazukashi! They were all watching us? When the shoji closed, much to the complaining Jiya I sighed lightly and then felt Aoshi-sama move closer as he placed his arm around my shoulders.
"What was Okina's request?" Blushing furiously as not so innocent thoughts fluttered my mind I began to mumble.
"Eeto, Jiya wants…um…he wants…to see…err…you know…like…um…a little…err…Shinomori…running around…" All was silent before I felt myself being pulled to the stone bench as Aoshi-sama sat down and I right by his side. My blush didn't go away as the fact that my hand was still very much clutched in Aoshi-sama's and his other was still over my petite form, hugging me to his side.
"Is that so?" Is that so? Was that all he could say at such an embarrassing moment like this? The nerve of him just remaining cool, calm and collected and so damn handsome too! It wasn't long before my ranting left me when pure green eyes locked with my ocean blue ones as Aoshi-sama tilted my head up and then kept his hand at my cheek.
"We'll see what we can do." Eyes widening as I stared up at Aoshi-sama I couldn't help but slap my own cheek to make sure this was real. I also noted that a confused Aoshi-sama look was extremely unlike him and I'd store it away in my mind for keepsake. He truly was cute and handsome all in one. I was too nervous to answer if that meant we'd be married one day and instead ecstatically hugged him.
In the end I guess sacrificing myself for the clan did nothing but drive the one I wanted back to me. I know I was loved dearly by all the members who were my family and so I know they'll accept Aoshi-sama back for he is the true leader. He was needed…and especially needed by me. One day too Jiya will get his "little Shinomori's" roaming around. With that thought in mind I couldn't help but laugh as a flush grew over my cheeks and the warmness grew in my heart as Aoshi-sama continued to hug me.
Aishiteru, Aoshi-sama! Itsumo!
The Optional End
(But Shin's Real Happy Ending)