"Which way do you reckon it is to a staircase up to the attic?" asked
Legolas, recoiling from a particularly exotic breed of mould that was
growing on the wall.
"Eeeny...meeny...miney...mo...this one!" Jack seized a door labelled 'Bathroom' and pulled it.
The door swung open to reveal Freddy Kreuger sitting on the edge of the bath sharpening his knife-fingers on a grindstone, which was balanced on the toilet seat.
"Someone's in here," he said quickly, standing up and knocking the grindstone onto the floor before slipping on the bathmat and falling backwards into the bath.
"Whoops. Sorry, mate." Jack closed the door again, muffling Freddy's cursing as he tried to get out of the bath without lacerating himself.
"Good call," said Will sarcastically.
"All right, smart guy, you pick a door then," said Jack.
Will carefully selected a door and pushed it open. A great hall was revealed with a great sweeping staircase leading up to the first floor. He gave Jack a smug look.
"Fine," said Jack haughtily, pushing past him into the hall. Everyone followed him as he stamped across the hall. Suddenly there was a crash as the front door flew open and several Daleks rolled in.
"Oh my God, what are you?" asked Will, cowering behind Jack.
"We are the Daleks. Exterminate! Exterminate!"
"Oh my God! What do we do?" screamed Elizabeth.
"Defeat them in a massive kung-fu battle!" yelled Neo.
"Pull their plugs out!" yelled Morpheus.
"We are the Daleks. We do not have plugs," said the first Dalek.
"Steal their toilet plunger weapons!" yelled Trinity.
"They are guns! Not toilet plungers!" said the Daleks.
"Really? Because they look a whole lot like toilet-"
"They Are GUNS!"
"Quick! Up the stairs!" yelled Jack.
Everyone followed him up to the first-floor landing.
"Come back! We are the masters of the world!" said the Daleks.
"Well, of the ground floor, at least," said Jack.
"What are you implying?" hissed the first Dalek.
"Well, do you see a pair of legs to climb stairs?" pointed out Jack.
"Earthling! You will pay for this remark! Exterminate!" The Daleks threw
themselves against the bottom step, but failed to mount it.
"Damn it! Someone get a ramp!" shouted one Dalek as the group disappeared round the corner at the top of the stairs.
"Where now?" asked Neo, pausing to examine a suit of armour. "Hey, check this out!"
Legolas snorted disparagingly. "My armour from Helm's Deep was much nicer," he said, walking up to the armour. "Look at it, it's just...vulgar." He kicked the armour, which promptly took offence, grabbed him by the legs and turned him upside down.
"Help! Get off me!" shrieked Legolas.
"Aaaaah! Haunted armour!" screamed Will, throwing a vase at it.
"That's not how you deal with haunted armour!" snorted Jack, seizing two candelabra and beating the helmet with them, making several large dents.
"Help!" screeched Legolas, arms and legs flailing. Suddenly two bottles labelled 'Depilatory Cream-Extra Strong' fell out of his pocket.
"Ah! So the elf was guilty after all!" cackled Gimli, jabbing Legolas with a handy hat stand.
"Ow!" screeched Legolas. "I'm not! I'm not!"
"Then why do you have depilatory cream in your pocket, elf?" asked Gimli, jabbing him again.
"To reshape my eyebrows and de-fuzz my chin and bikini line!" screamed Legolas.
"Ewwwww....." said Trinity.
Neo jumped forwards and high-kicked the armour, knocking the helmet and one arm off.
"Yeah, that's the way!" yelled Jack, abandoning the candelabra and setting about the armour with a coal scuttle. Meanwhile, the helmet was shuffling across the floor. Seconds later, the visor was firmly clamped around Governor Swann's leg.
"Aargh! Get it off, get it off!" yelled the Governor, kicking violently. "Help me, Commodore!"
The Commodore sighed theatrically and paused in the midst of re-styling his hair. "Must I? Wrestling with cursed armour is so bad for my pompous hair."
Elizabeth seized the helmet and arm and cast them over the edge of the gallery. They clattered loudly to the floor, before shaking themselves and chasing the nearest mouse across the room.
The rest of the armour was now bored of Legolas and had dumped him unceremoniously on the floor, before turning its attention to Jack. Or, to be more precise, the rum.
"Oh no you don't!" he screeched, kicking the armour square in the midriff. It stumbled backwards before tripping over Frodo and falling backwards into a nearby broom cupboard. Trinity quickly kicked the door shut and bolted it.
"Wow, this house is full of surprises," she gasped, taking deep breaths.
"As usual, it was all the fault of the elf," said Gimli pointedly.
"Eeeny...meeny...miney...mo...this one!" Jack seized a door labelled 'Bathroom' and pulled it.
The door swung open to reveal Freddy Kreuger sitting on the edge of the bath sharpening his knife-fingers on a grindstone, which was balanced on the toilet seat.
"Someone's in here," he said quickly, standing up and knocking the grindstone onto the floor before slipping on the bathmat and falling backwards into the bath.
"Whoops. Sorry, mate." Jack closed the door again, muffling Freddy's cursing as he tried to get out of the bath without lacerating himself.
"Good call," said Will sarcastically.
"All right, smart guy, you pick a door then," said Jack.
Will carefully selected a door and pushed it open. A great hall was revealed with a great sweeping staircase leading up to the first floor. He gave Jack a smug look.
"Fine," said Jack haughtily, pushing past him into the hall. Everyone followed him as he stamped across the hall. Suddenly there was a crash as the front door flew open and several Daleks rolled in.
"Oh my God, what are you?" asked Will, cowering behind Jack.
"We are the Daleks. Exterminate! Exterminate!"
"Oh my God! What do we do?" screamed Elizabeth.
"Defeat them in a massive kung-fu battle!" yelled Neo.
"Pull their plugs out!" yelled Morpheus.
"We are the Daleks. We do not have plugs," said the first Dalek.
"Steal their toilet plunger weapons!" yelled Trinity.
"They are guns! Not toilet plungers!" said the Daleks.
"Really? Because they look a whole lot like toilet-"
"They Are GUNS!"
"Quick! Up the stairs!" yelled Jack.
Everyone followed him up to the first-floor landing.
"Come back! We are the masters of the world!" said the Daleks.
"Well, of the ground floor, at least," said Jack.
"What are you implying?" hissed the first Dalek.
"Well, do you see a pair of legs to climb stairs?" pointed out Jack.
"Earthling! You will pay for this remark! Exterminate!" The Daleks threw
themselves against the bottom step, but failed to mount it.
"Damn it! Someone get a ramp!" shouted one Dalek as the group disappeared round the corner at the top of the stairs.
"Where now?" asked Neo, pausing to examine a suit of armour. "Hey, check this out!"
Legolas snorted disparagingly. "My armour from Helm's Deep was much nicer," he said, walking up to the armour. "Look at it, it's just...vulgar." He kicked the armour, which promptly took offence, grabbed him by the legs and turned him upside down.
"Help! Get off me!" shrieked Legolas.
"Aaaaah! Haunted armour!" screamed Will, throwing a vase at it.
"That's not how you deal with haunted armour!" snorted Jack, seizing two candelabra and beating the helmet with them, making several large dents.
"Help!" screeched Legolas, arms and legs flailing. Suddenly two bottles labelled 'Depilatory Cream-Extra Strong' fell out of his pocket.
"Ah! So the elf was guilty after all!" cackled Gimli, jabbing Legolas with a handy hat stand.
"Ow!" screeched Legolas. "I'm not! I'm not!"
"Then why do you have depilatory cream in your pocket, elf?" asked Gimli, jabbing him again.
"To reshape my eyebrows and de-fuzz my chin and bikini line!" screamed Legolas.
"Ewwwww....." said Trinity.
Neo jumped forwards and high-kicked the armour, knocking the helmet and one arm off.
"Yeah, that's the way!" yelled Jack, abandoning the candelabra and setting about the armour with a coal scuttle. Meanwhile, the helmet was shuffling across the floor. Seconds later, the visor was firmly clamped around Governor Swann's leg.
"Aargh! Get it off, get it off!" yelled the Governor, kicking violently. "Help me, Commodore!"
The Commodore sighed theatrically and paused in the midst of re-styling his hair. "Must I? Wrestling with cursed armour is so bad for my pompous hair."
Elizabeth seized the helmet and arm and cast them over the edge of the gallery. They clattered loudly to the floor, before shaking themselves and chasing the nearest mouse across the room.
The rest of the armour was now bored of Legolas and had dumped him unceremoniously on the floor, before turning its attention to Jack. Or, to be more precise, the rum.
"Oh no you don't!" he screeched, kicking the armour square in the midriff. It stumbled backwards before tripping over Frodo and falling backwards into a nearby broom cupboard. Trinity quickly kicked the door shut and bolted it.
"Wow, this house is full of surprises," she gasped, taking deep breaths.
"As usual, it was all the fault of the elf," said Gimli pointedly.