"Longbottom as Wizarding World's most eligible bachelor, really?" Severus snorted. "Perhaps if one has not known him since he was exploding cauldrons and poisoning toads, but even then." He shook his head and reached for his tea as they sat together, alone this time, in the kitchen.
"Be kind. You should see the amount of fan mail he has gotten since the Inside Hogwarts article."
"Well this should certainly put a stop to that," he mocked as he tapped the photo of Neville smiling up at him showing too much chest in his button down white shirt under Gryffindor robes, his red and gold tie undone.
Luna giggled. "I think he rather enjoys the positive attention."
"I have no doubt."
"You aren't being fair. Neville is wonderful and deserves some recognition." She looked down at the photo as she leaned into his shoulder. "And he looks quite handsome in that photo, I think." She cocked her head. "I sorted through several before choosing that one."
Severus's jaw tightened and his lip curled as a sour taste took over his tongue.
Luna smiled at him. "Don't be jealous, Severus."
He huffed. "I am not, I assure you." But there was some sentiment churning in his chest, not quite jealousy, but bordering on it perhaps. In his mind, he considered the world in which Luna should be living; a world where perhaps someone like Mr Longbottom and she would be well suited; the world she deserved to live in. Not the one where she was cruelly bound to him and forced to find the silver linings.
"Your mind is turning…"
"Indeed."
She watched him in silence, her silver eyes probing. "Will you be dropping your grudge against Neville anytime soon?"
"What are you going on about?"
"Well… I mean, it is almost as though Harry couldn't hold all your disgust and it just spilled over to Neville… I now understand Harry, but why Neville?"
Severus sighed and tensed his jaw. He wanted to let her in, but he couldn't stomach her disappointment when she realized the answer. He wiped his hand down his face. "It could have been him…" he mumbled.
"What do you mean?" She moved around the table to sit beside him.
The images flooded his mind at once, the look of elation on the Dark Lord's face when he had spoken of the overhead prophecy and the moment Severus had realized the implications of the words he shared. His running to implore Dumbledoor to protect Lily from the horrible fate he had sealed for her. He cleared his throat, focusing on Luna's face and pushing away the memory of Lily's. "It could have been Neville… but the Dark Lord chose Potter."
Luna's eyes searched his, her mind now turning. He assumed she was piecing together what she knew. Finally, she nodded. "And if it had been…"
Lily would still be alive. But he couldn't voice his thoughts.
She nodded. "Neville would probably be dead, and many more…"
"But I am the reason …"
"Severus, I know." She interrupted as she turned to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He pulled her hand free. "No, I don't think you do Luna, I am the reason Harry was chosen and Lily was murdered. I told the Dark Lord.. but I did not understand what it meant. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… I did not know it meant her until it was too late. But I knew it meant someone. I didn't care if it was anyone else, until it was her. I would have let Neville and his entire family be slaughtered and not felt a damn thing about it. It's disgusting. I am despicable." He felt an unfamiliar sting behind his eyes.
She said nothing, but her eyes were not full of judgement or disdain. She slowly nodded. "But everything is different now. We're different now."
"That does not absolve me of these things."
She nodded again. "We can be two things at once you know. "
His face twisted in question as he waited for her to continue her thoughts.
"Perfectly flawed. Ginny almost killed five people, six, if you count her, when she released the basilisk. But does that make her irredeemable? Goodness knows Professor Dumbledoor has done some terrible things, especially if any of Rita Skeeter's book is to be believed, but look at the good he accomplished as well. Even Harry used the unforgivable curses when it suited him. We can be kind and cruel at the same time."
He considered these words in quiet contemplation as she watched him. He did not see these things as equivalent nor universal. Had he been stronger in spirit, he could have resisted the allure of the Dark Arts and the Death Eaters. Look at her, at Lily, at the Longbottoms, they all resisted even through force. If he had, perhaps his life would have been very different. Perhaps Lily would have survived it all, and perhaps she would have even forgiven him at some point. Or perhaps he would have never lost her trust to begin with. Perhaps…
"Severus?" She reached for his hand and gave in a squeeze.
He looked up to meet her eyes, finding a sea of conflicting emotion.
"I'm tired of trying to guess what is going on in your head. Can you just tell me? Even some of it?"
He snorted. "But you do it so well."
She smiled. "Thank you. But you are exhausting to read, you know. Your aura is muddy, and I am no legilimens. So much inner turmoil and…" She paused as though considering her words. "... self loathing."
He shook his head. "I cannot help but see that so many evils in this world are because of my choices. So many terrible things have come because I failed to resist what so many others could."
"Two things can be true. Your choices brought about many terrible things and may also be the reason Voldemort is gone. The choice that sealed Harry's mum's fate, also sealed his. Had he not heard the prophecy from you, think of the world that would have been."
She rubbed her growing bump as her gaze went distant. "And think of what will be." She smiled, leaned in to kiss him gently, and smiled.
He touched her midsection and sighed. His mind drifted to the stolen images from her mind, the dark headed child with his nose and her eyes.
"Do you remember when we first met?"
"I do recall a sense of dread during your first year of potions knowing there was a higher likelihood than not that I would either need a shielding charm or a healing potion the days you were present."
She shook her head. "No. That was not it at all. You came to my Mum's funeral."
He reached into his memory. Had he really forgotten? He did indeed attend Pandora's funeral. He felt obligated as she had been a fellow Slytherin and never unkind to him during their shared time at Hogwart's. The memories of that day filled in. For a funeral, there had been so much color, taking place in the garden of the Lovegood's home. And Luna, borrowing that color, with flowers tucked throughout her long fair hair and wearing a dress the blew in the light spring breeze and reflected the bright blue afternoon sky, was the brightest thing present. "Ah yes. The wrackspurts… something about loving funerals because they were attracted to sadness." He saw Luna in his mind's eye dancing about the other guests, most paying her no attention, others chastising her for her jubilant energy.
Luna smiled. "You asked how I could be so happy at my mother's funeral?"
"Yes. I believe I did."
"Do you remember what I said?"
"You were happy to have something to be so sad about. That feeling such great loss meant you had something worth losing and you didn't want the wrackspurts to cloud your thoughts because you worried you might forget that…and then you invited me to dance."
She laughed. "Yes. You politely declined. I asked my father that night why all the older kids thought you were so mean."
"And?" He raised an eyebrow.
"My father said, because not everyone sees the good first like his little wildflower could."
Had there been any good to see in him back then? There must have been if the nine-year old witch had seen it. He nodded.
She stood. "I am headed to The Burrow. Mrs Weasley and Ginny want to do some shopping. I thought it might be time to pick out a few special things for the baby if my appointment with Healer Hughs goes well today." She caressed her midsection again.
If? His chest felt suddenly hollow. He cleared away the sour taste building in his throat as he stood. "Are you concerned something may be wrong, Luna?"
"Oh," her face softened with empathy. "I did not mean it to sound that way." She touched his shoulder. "I only meant, if I am up for it afterward."
He felt the air return to his lungs. "Do be safe."
She looked up at him as she embraced him. "Of course," she said before dancing out of the kitchen humming to herself.