Chapter 2: thoughts and talks.
Shinji just stared at Asuka, who stared back into his blue eyes. A moment ago, a glimpse of joy was seen within them, but now a familiar doubt began to grow.
Shinji still remembered what Kaworu had been like - gentle friendly and always so considerate - and now Asuka was acting strangely. Almost... just like him. Why was she being so nice?
'Dear god, don't let it be...' he thought as he stared at her, not saying a thing. He didn't know what he could say. 'I don't know if I bear to lose you again...'
Asuka was silent too. She saw everything differently now... no longer did she see a stupid little baka hentai before her. Instead, she saw somebody who cared about her, about what happened to her.
'I'm... not alone anymore...' she thought slowly.
After a while of studying each other, Asuka broke the near unbearable silence which had ensnared every corner of the room. "Shinji..." she whispered slowly.
"Y-yes..." He stammered a little. Half of him feared that Asuka would hit him as he had expected, and the other half actually wished that she would.
"Could you get me some clothes? I'm freezing..." she said, crossing her arms. Se was literally half naked, as she knew she wasn't wearing more than the gown, which was showing a little more of her breasts than she would have like, and didn't cover as far down as it should have, either.
Shinji suddenly seemed to notice this fact, and after he blushed, he turned his head away stammering a string of apologies. He began to run towards the closet to help, and ended up tripping over his own feet. He moaned as he landed hard on the ground.
"Are you all right?" she giggled. She still remembered how she always used to call him a pervert all the time... but now she was actually noticing that he was apologizing for his thoughts, as though he could control them in any way. She always punished him for his thoughts, even when he didn't even do anything wrong. He was just always in the wrong place at the wrong time - like when they were showering after an Angel battle, or when Misato was in one of her "cheery" moods. ' I can't punish you for living... for things you are forced to do...'
Suddenly some sensation about Shinji seeing her almost naked flashed through her mind. She almost shouted hentai at him, but then she remembered again that he had tried to cover his face, just so he wouldn't even be tempted to look at her. Any other boy would have devoured her with their eyes, but Shinji didn't even seem to notice that she was exposed until she pointed it out.
"Yeah... I think so..." Shinji managed as he got to his feet. After a while of stumbling while trying not to look as her, he found some clothes in the closet and handed them to her blindly.
'What took you so long, baka?' she was about to spit out at him, but then the loneliness that had gripped her before, while she was trapped in the limbo came back to her all at once. It was what she wanted to avoid at all costs. "Thanks..." she said instead. 'All right, Asuka. One step at a time... remember not to insult him unless there is reason to do it...'
"So... how are you feeling?" Shinji asked slowly, shyly looking in her general direction.
"Pretty well, taking note that I just woke up from a coma," Asuka replied with a grin. "These hospital clothes suck."
"Really?" Shinji asked.
"Yeah! These people who work here must be suffering some kind of a fetish - why else would they clothe me with some stupid suit that opens from behind?"
Shinji smiled for a long time. 'God, how I missed you.' He stared at her as she went through her new clothing. She had managed to cover herself up for the most part, so he didn't mind just looking at her for a moment, making sure he had found good clothes for her. There wasn't much of a selection. Jeans and a short-sleeved green shirt. She studied them for a moment and then met Shinji's stare with one of her own.
"Do you mind?" She rolled her finger in the air making a circle at him.
"What?" he asked dazed, not catching her meaning.
"Still so dense? Turn around, of course," she said it calmly, keeping the venom out of her voice, keeping it friendly instead.
Shinji flushed again. "Gomen nasai," he stammered and turned around quickly.
Asuka looked at his back for a moment, and a light smile decorated her lips. Then she began to strip out out her hospital robe, not really wanting to spend another second in it. She soon noticed that the clothes Shinji had given her were the exact same as the ones she had been wearing earlier... when the Section Two agents found her just in time. "Government can't afford any decent clothes, but there always seems to be money when they have to buy N2 mines or new war equipment, right Shinji?"
"I guess so... at least you got the robe, though." Shinji remembered well those times when he was stuck in the NERV's hospital. And he remembered the old times, times when he wasn't alone. That whole week was like hell.
He had learned what Rei truly was. One friend was gone, but she didn't leave. She was still there, but wasn't the Rei that he had come to know.
Kaworu. He was like Shinji himself, but still different. He was... happy. Shinji wasn't happy. He was satisfied by how things simply happened around him, but true happiness was something that he had only felt for a little time, if at all. He didn't even remember when he last time was as happy as he was right then and there, now that Asuka was awake again.
Misato had isolated herself. It seemed that she didn't care anymore about anything except her work. And the truth, which she seemed to be constantly chasing suddenly. She rarely came back home at all, and when she was there, she never said a word, and he felt the silence uncomfortable, but unbreakable.
But Asuka was here now. It was good to have someone to tell him what to do. He didn't know if he could have tolerated not having it for another moment.
"Didn't you then got one of these? Perverts..." she snorted. After she had finished getting dressed, she asked Shinji to turn around again. "So... how do I look?" She rose from her bed slowly and now stood right before Shinji.
He studied her for a moment, looking her over. She wanted an answer, and he was going to give her one. The short-sleeved shirt was practically form fitting, and looked amazing on her. Her red hair was still well taken care of, despite her long time in the hospital. Her jeans hugged her thighs and her lower body. When he found himself looking at her feet, he realized that he had to give he an answer, and soon.
"Good," he said, trying to sound a little off handed.
"Don't choke on your infinite admiration..." she frowned in response.
"Gomen... I... You..." he tried, faltering each time. "You look so different..."
Asuka looked at herself quickly. These clothes were unlike anything that she had worn in the past, but they felt so familiar. She hadn't wanted to die in something familiar, which was why she had chosen the outfit... but now it felt perfect. "Well, I feel different too," she said with a smile. These clothes would perfectly suit her new beginning. They had killed the old Asuka Langley Soryu. "Where are all the doctors?"
"Evacuated," Shinji replied with a sigh. "After the sixteenth angel, they decided to evacuate all nonessential personnel." He looked out of the nearby window. "There are only few doctors left here, now."
"So, I could easily run away from here?" Asuka asked. She was fed up with even the thought of just lying in the bed, as she knew it had been all she had been able to do for some time now.
"Umm... I guess so."
"Great. Let's go!" She grabbed Shinji's wrist and began to drag him out the door.
"W-wa-wait!" Shinji stammered. "Maybe this isn't such a great idea. I mean, you just woke up after being in a coma for days!"
'Days? It didn't feel like days....' "You're right, it probably isn't such a good idea... but I'm already tired of this sterile smell. I want to go out!" she chirped. She left no room for argument as she dragged him out of the hospital with her.
Once they were outside, Asuka released her grip on Shinji's wrists. They walked for a while together, until Asuka suggested that they go to the railing along the hill where Misato had brought Shinji after the fight with the third angel.
The wind was blowing gently, and the cicada noises were barely even noticeable. Asuka leaned against the railing slowly, and closed her eyes. She was letting the wind caress her face. Her hair was blowing wildly in the open air.
"So, what have you been up to?" Asuka asked after a long silence.
"Nothing special," he answered, his voice almost flat. "Visiting you, mostly."
"So, I'm not special anymore?" Asuka asked pretending to be hurt.
"Gomen, I didn't meant it like that," Shinji corrected himself at once.
"I know," she replied with a smile.
They both looked down at the city that was Tokyo-3. Even though it was morning, it could have been night but the lights. The city looked even more desolate than when Shinji had first seen it so long ago. Every civilian had been evacuated, and the town was almost empty.
"So, all the angels have been destroyed?"
Shinji shuddered when he heard the word angel being spoken again. "Yes..." he answered with a suffocated tone.
Asuka saw how Shinji reacted at once, as she was watching him carefully. "Last one was the worst for you too, eh?"
"Yeah..." Shinji's expression fell even deeper.
'I guess its the end of this...there is no need for the Evangelion units anymore...' she thought to herself. "I'm just glad it's over," Asuka replied after a moment, without actually taking the time to notice how sad he looked suddenly.
"You are?" Shinji asked. Now, he was stunned. He was sure that when Asuka woke up, she would start in on him right away about how selfish and supreme he was being because he saved the world again, and she didn't have the chance to.
"Don't you?" she said, glancing at him. "You didn't even want to pilot the Eva at the first place, right?"
"Well... I think it's a relief that it's over." He raised his head to look over the buildings, to the clouds on the horizon. "But I thought that you loved piloting the Eva..."
Asuka glanced again at him. "Tell you what..." she said slowly. "Say something about me that has nothing to do with the Evangelion Units."
"There are lots of things... like..." Shinji stopped suddenly as though lost in thought, and then put his hand on his chin to start thinking harder.
"Take your time," Asuka suggested dryly.
Shinji walked around trying to think of even one thing about her that wasn't about them. There was something, he just couldn't think of it. After a while he was ready to give up, but then he remembered something, a memory that he had buried to protect himself. He knew he couldn't have mentioned that incident again unless she brought it up. "You like scuba diving."
Asuka's face lit up. "You remembered!" she cheered.
"Well, that particular event scorched a mark on my mind," he said smiling at her, remembering her ways to motivate him in thermal expansion all over again.
"I was just trying to help you. Is that the you way to say thanks?" she retorted with a sly smile.
"Gomen..."
"You haven't lost your habit about always apologizing for everything, eh?" Asuka snapped.
"Gom..." he started, but then caught himself. "Never mind."
Asuka grinned. "I was certain that you wouldn't remember that old thing."
"It wasn't so long ago..." Shinji mumbled as his mind ran through the so called 'good old times.'
"But it feels like it..." Asuka sighed. "So, anything interesting been happening when I was away?"
"I wouldn't say interesting, exactly..." His thoughts begin to fall into darkness again, as they had been so often as of late.
Asuka noticed then that he got depressed easily whenever she asked about the recent times. Something had happened when she was in her coma, and it was weighting heavily in his little shoulders. With more weight than she thought he could bare alone for long. "You seem different... sadder than usual. Is there something on your mind?"
"I..." he stammered, faltering again. He was waiting for someone who he could talk to about this, it was one of the only things he wanted anymore. But now that he finally had a chance, he was afraid, scared that she would begin to really hate him - to despise him and avoid him at all costs... 'Murderer!' He could see her finger pointing at him accusing in his mind already.
Asuka noticed how Shinji's face had suddenly turned dower, and had a deep look of foreboding about it suddenly. "Shinji..." she started, waiting for him to look up before saying anything else. "I know."
Shinji's face fell blank and pale instantly. "Wh-wha-what are you..."
"About Wonder girl... I mean... Ayanami Rei. I know... what she is."
Shinji's jaw drop wide open. While he had been expecting her to say something about Kaworu, he did not expect her to suddenly mention Rei of all people. Especially about something like that... "How... did you..."
Asuka put her fingers to Shinji's lips to silence him before he could say anything else. "It's not important. I know what she meant to you... and I'm sorry."
Shinji stared at her for moment. He took her hand inside his palm and just held it tightly. They both looked to each other, and he found Asuka's eyes to be so receptive. He knew she would listen to what he had to say about her, at least. "She... it was so easy to talk to her... she was just there for me... she listened to everything that I said... no matter how pathetic or stupid it was..."
Asuka felt a sharp little stinging in her heart. Usually when Shinji wanted to talk her about almost anything, she had just driven him away, thinking that she had better things to do than listen to him complain. 'Well, not anymore! Time to do something useful for once...' "So... how did you find out?"
"I should ask you that, " he chuckled, but it was obviously forced, for his features remained dark. "Ritsuko showed it to us... to me and misato. What she was... is... there were dozens of them... her. It... it looked so...so"Shinji tried to find the words he wanted to use, but nothing he could think of was strong enough. "Wrong... so sick..."
Asuka grimaced. She remembered what she had seen while in her coma. It was worse than sick, but she wasn't going to try and correct him. She couldn't think of a strong enough word to fit her feelings anyway. "Does she know who... or what... she is?"
"I think so." Shinji sighed. "I don't even know her... not that I knew her well before, mind you..."
"It must be frustrating for her..." Asuka said softly, remembering what the Commander had said about her conditioning, and what he had done to her while she had watched. She would be forced to accept the fact that someone else would be constantly controlling her life at every turn. It had to hurt. Being chained down was the last thing that the poor girl needed.
"I don't even know if she can feel frustrated... Now, I know why father could always put her in the most danger, in the heart of risk... I was only a tool, nothing new there of course... been there, seen it..." He clenched his other palm into a fist while keeping a light hold of Asuka's hand with his other. "And I felt it."
Asuka drew her hand out of Shinji's palm slowly and embraced him tightly. It looked like the whole world could have just stopped at that moment for all either of them cared. Shinji found that he didn't care why she was being so nice suddenly. All that mattered to him was the fact that his friend had finally woken up, and that she actually did care.
They just stood there, continuing to hold each other, for what seemed like an eternity.
Shinji felt the sudden urge to kiss her. She looked so different from before. He knew that he had always felt some leave of attraction towards her... but now it was only stronger. She was actually showing that she could care as well, and that she could understand him. It meant more to him than anything else, and he really wanted to kiss her, to let her know how much she meant. He knew that he was always trying to gather the strength to stand up to her, but he didn't want to hurt her if she was still weak. Ever since the fifteenth Angel that nearly destroyed her, he had seen how vulnerable she truly was.
He always wondered if she had felt anything at all when she had kissed him. It wasn't the best kiss in the world, he knew that, as he could barely breath, but he still felt a connection from his end. When he told Kaji about it - ignoring the horrible fate that would come his way if Asuka ever found out - the man simply laughed and suggested that maybe she didn't find it as bad as she suggested, and that Shinji should just try his chances.
He backed off slowly after that point anyway, though, when he saw how unreachable she made herself to be. Whenever he tried to comfort her, or even talk to her, she had pushed him away. 'Mind your own business, baka! Go away, baka! I hate you, baka!'
He always thought that she hated him, but she wasn't hating him now. Suddenly it felt the opposite. The only question that danced about inside his head was a difficult one. 'Could she feel the same way about me?' He was too afraid to try to find out the answer, to afraid to hurt her... too afraid that she would run away and leave him alone again... just like Kaworu had done.
Asuka could have been there forever, just holding Shinji like she was. She didn't care about anything else around them. She actually found herself wishing that the moment would never end. She liked the feeling. She didn't remember when she had ever felt it before...
The fact that somebody cared. It may be that she had felt it when she found that she was an Eva pilot so long ago... 'No,' she told herself firmly, holding him tighter. She didn't need those memories now, on top of everything else. Besides that happiness... if she could call the burning sensation inside of her when she thought of that moment happiness... What she really need was this. This new feeling... this comforting feeling what made her feel good.
But there was something more to it than just that. She had sleepwalked a few times while staying in the apartment, bu somehow she often ended up in Shinji's room. She didn't admit that fact to anyone, and when Misato found out, she blamed it all on Shinji, of course. She felt like it must have been his fault... but that wasn't right. It was her self denial. Her stupid self denial.
When she was all alone, Shinji seemed to be only person who she could turn to, even if it was just to mock him, or to put him down, or even to yell at him. He was always there, and she had simply never realized it. Now she felt something more than seeking refuge or comfort. Something much stronger.
Love?
She had always thought that she loved Kaji. But now she noticed that it seemed to be a wasted effort, pointless from the beginning. Kaji and Misato were made each other. It really was obvious... or it was obvious now, at least. She ended up disliking Misato because she was trying to steal Kaji away from her. But the truth was quite different.
Misato never needed to steal him away. The two of them were bound together, and there wasn't really anything anyone could have done about it.
But secretly she was imaging what it could be like... if she and Shinji could be together. 'Maybe... just maybe... I could... we could... have something together. Something special. Something wonderful.'
But what if he didn't want her? What if he was too scared and ran away again? He had done it before over issues with his father... And she couldn't risk losing him the same way. He couldn't just run away from her... 'Maybe it's best to take it slow, and think some things through... we have all the time in the world, after all.'
So, ironically, they both thought the same thing at almost the same time. "I'm such a coward."
After they finally released their hold on each other, they decided it was time to return home.
Night was taking over the quiet city of Tokyo-3. Nothing inside the city moved. Even animals avoided the place because the Evas and the angels.
They eventually arrived inside of their apartment, or what was left of it, anyway. The lights were out, and it seemed dark and empty... even more so than usual.
Misato had passed out on the sofa. She probably had been worrying about Asuka and relieved her fears the only way that she knew how. Asuka noticed that her hair was a mess, and that the odour of beer, sweat, and coffee was filling the room. Her guardian must have skipped a few showers recently.
"How long has this been keeping up?" she asked, looking to Shinji.
"Let's see... a long time. Too long a time." Shinji shook her head. "I hope that seeing you will make her feel better..."
"Where's that blasted bird?"
"She gave it to Hikari when they were evacuated," Shinji replied. "She wanted it to be safe, and in good hands."
"Should we carry her to her room?" Asuka proposed.
Shinji glanced at her in surprise. "If you are strong enough."
"What, you are questioning my muscles now? Haven't you gotten enough demonstration yet?" she asked with a smile.
Shinji smiled as he held up his hands... one of the first smiles she had seen from him in quite some time. "No, I mean that she's gained some weight. She has almost used up her entire beer supply in just a few days."
"Well, let's try," Asuka suggested.
After a while of struggling, they managed to move her slowly, and eventually they got her to her own room. Gently, they placed her on her bed. Asuka heard Misato muttering the name "Kaji..." quite a few times, but she said nothing of it.
They were both exhausted. They said good night each other as they left Misato's room and went to their own rooms. Before sleep could take them, though, they both had a lot to think about...
End of Chapter two
Shinji just stared at Asuka, who stared back into his blue eyes. A moment ago, a glimpse of joy was seen within them, but now a familiar doubt began to grow.
Shinji still remembered what Kaworu had been like - gentle friendly and always so considerate - and now Asuka was acting strangely. Almost... just like him. Why was she being so nice?
'Dear god, don't let it be...' he thought as he stared at her, not saying a thing. He didn't know what he could say. 'I don't know if I bear to lose you again...'
Asuka was silent too. She saw everything differently now... no longer did she see a stupid little baka hentai before her. Instead, she saw somebody who cared about her, about what happened to her.
'I'm... not alone anymore...' she thought slowly.
After a while of studying each other, Asuka broke the near unbearable silence which had ensnared every corner of the room. "Shinji..." she whispered slowly.
"Y-yes..." He stammered a little. Half of him feared that Asuka would hit him as he had expected, and the other half actually wished that she would.
"Could you get me some clothes? I'm freezing..." she said, crossing her arms. Se was literally half naked, as she knew she wasn't wearing more than the gown, which was showing a little more of her breasts than she would have like, and didn't cover as far down as it should have, either.
Shinji suddenly seemed to notice this fact, and after he blushed, he turned his head away stammering a string of apologies. He began to run towards the closet to help, and ended up tripping over his own feet. He moaned as he landed hard on the ground.
"Are you all right?" she giggled. She still remembered how she always used to call him a pervert all the time... but now she was actually noticing that he was apologizing for his thoughts, as though he could control them in any way. She always punished him for his thoughts, even when he didn't even do anything wrong. He was just always in the wrong place at the wrong time - like when they were showering after an Angel battle, or when Misato was in one of her "cheery" moods. ' I can't punish you for living... for things you are forced to do...'
Suddenly some sensation about Shinji seeing her almost naked flashed through her mind. She almost shouted hentai at him, but then she remembered again that he had tried to cover his face, just so he wouldn't even be tempted to look at her. Any other boy would have devoured her with their eyes, but Shinji didn't even seem to notice that she was exposed until she pointed it out.
"Yeah... I think so..." Shinji managed as he got to his feet. After a while of stumbling while trying not to look as her, he found some clothes in the closet and handed them to her blindly.
'What took you so long, baka?' she was about to spit out at him, but then the loneliness that had gripped her before, while she was trapped in the limbo came back to her all at once. It was what she wanted to avoid at all costs. "Thanks..." she said instead. 'All right, Asuka. One step at a time... remember not to insult him unless there is reason to do it...'
"So... how are you feeling?" Shinji asked slowly, shyly looking in her general direction.
"Pretty well, taking note that I just woke up from a coma," Asuka replied with a grin. "These hospital clothes suck."
"Really?" Shinji asked.
"Yeah! These people who work here must be suffering some kind of a fetish - why else would they clothe me with some stupid suit that opens from behind?"
Shinji smiled for a long time. 'God, how I missed you.' He stared at her as she went through her new clothing. She had managed to cover herself up for the most part, so he didn't mind just looking at her for a moment, making sure he had found good clothes for her. There wasn't much of a selection. Jeans and a short-sleeved green shirt. She studied them for a moment and then met Shinji's stare with one of her own.
"Do you mind?" She rolled her finger in the air making a circle at him.
"What?" he asked dazed, not catching her meaning.
"Still so dense? Turn around, of course," she said it calmly, keeping the venom out of her voice, keeping it friendly instead.
Shinji flushed again. "Gomen nasai," he stammered and turned around quickly.
Asuka looked at his back for a moment, and a light smile decorated her lips. Then she began to strip out out her hospital robe, not really wanting to spend another second in it. She soon noticed that the clothes Shinji had given her were the exact same as the ones she had been wearing earlier... when the Section Two agents found her just in time. "Government can't afford any decent clothes, but there always seems to be money when they have to buy N2 mines or new war equipment, right Shinji?"
"I guess so... at least you got the robe, though." Shinji remembered well those times when he was stuck in the NERV's hospital. And he remembered the old times, times when he wasn't alone. That whole week was like hell.
He had learned what Rei truly was. One friend was gone, but she didn't leave. She was still there, but wasn't the Rei that he had come to know.
Kaworu. He was like Shinji himself, but still different. He was... happy. Shinji wasn't happy. He was satisfied by how things simply happened around him, but true happiness was something that he had only felt for a little time, if at all. He didn't even remember when he last time was as happy as he was right then and there, now that Asuka was awake again.
Misato had isolated herself. It seemed that she didn't care anymore about anything except her work. And the truth, which she seemed to be constantly chasing suddenly. She rarely came back home at all, and when she was there, she never said a word, and he felt the silence uncomfortable, but unbreakable.
But Asuka was here now. It was good to have someone to tell him what to do. He didn't know if he could have tolerated not having it for another moment.
"Didn't you then got one of these? Perverts..." she snorted. After she had finished getting dressed, she asked Shinji to turn around again. "So... how do I look?" She rose from her bed slowly and now stood right before Shinji.
He studied her for a moment, looking her over. She wanted an answer, and he was going to give her one. The short-sleeved shirt was practically form fitting, and looked amazing on her. Her red hair was still well taken care of, despite her long time in the hospital. Her jeans hugged her thighs and her lower body. When he found himself looking at her feet, he realized that he had to give he an answer, and soon.
"Good," he said, trying to sound a little off handed.
"Don't choke on your infinite admiration..." she frowned in response.
"Gomen... I... You..." he tried, faltering each time. "You look so different..."
Asuka looked at herself quickly. These clothes were unlike anything that she had worn in the past, but they felt so familiar. She hadn't wanted to die in something familiar, which was why she had chosen the outfit... but now it felt perfect. "Well, I feel different too," she said with a smile. These clothes would perfectly suit her new beginning. They had killed the old Asuka Langley Soryu. "Where are all the doctors?"
"Evacuated," Shinji replied with a sigh. "After the sixteenth angel, they decided to evacuate all nonessential personnel." He looked out of the nearby window. "There are only few doctors left here, now."
"So, I could easily run away from here?" Asuka asked. She was fed up with even the thought of just lying in the bed, as she knew it had been all she had been able to do for some time now.
"Umm... I guess so."
"Great. Let's go!" She grabbed Shinji's wrist and began to drag him out the door.
"W-wa-wait!" Shinji stammered. "Maybe this isn't such a great idea. I mean, you just woke up after being in a coma for days!"
'Days? It didn't feel like days....' "You're right, it probably isn't such a good idea... but I'm already tired of this sterile smell. I want to go out!" she chirped. She left no room for argument as she dragged him out of the hospital with her.
Once they were outside, Asuka released her grip on Shinji's wrists. They walked for a while together, until Asuka suggested that they go to the railing along the hill where Misato had brought Shinji after the fight with the third angel.
The wind was blowing gently, and the cicada noises were barely even noticeable. Asuka leaned against the railing slowly, and closed her eyes. She was letting the wind caress her face. Her hair was blowing wildly in the open air.
"So, what have you been up to?" Asuka asked after a long silence.
"Nothing special," he answered, his voice almost flat. "Visiting you, mostly."
"So, I'm not special anymore?" Asuka asked pretending to be hurt.
"Gomen, I didn't meant it like that," Shinji corrected himself at once.
"I know," she replied with a smile.
They both looked down at the city that was Tokyo-3. Even though it was morning, it could have been night but the lights. The city looked even more desolate than when Shinji had first seen it so long ago. Every civilian had been evacuated, and the town was almost empty.
"So, all the angels have been destroyed?"
Shinji shuddered when he heard the word angel being spoken again. "Yes..." he answered with a suffocated tone.
Asuka saw how Shinji reacted at once, as she was watching him carefully. "Last one was the worst for you too, eh?"
"Yeah..." Shinji's expression fell even deeper.
'I guess its the end of this...there is no need for the Evangelion units anymore...' she thought to herself. "I'm just glad it's over," Asuka replied after a moment, without actually taking the time to notice how sad he looked suddenly.
"You are?" Shinji asked. Now, he was stunned. He was sure that when Asuka woke up, she would start in on him right away about how selfish and supreme he was being because he saved the world again, and she didn't have the chance to.
"Don't you?" she said, glancing at him. "You didn't even want to pilot the Eva at the first place, right?"
"Well... I think it's a relief that it's over." He raised his head to look over the buildings, to the clouds on the horizon. "But I thought that you loved piloting the Eva..."
Asuka glanced again at him. "Tell you what..." she said slowly. "Say something about me that has nothing to do with the Evangelion Units."
"There are lots of things... like..." Shinji stopped suddenly as though lost in thought, and then put his hand on his chin to start thinking harder.
"Take your time," Asuka suggested dryly.
Shinji walked around trying to think of even one thing about her that wasn't about them. There was something, he just couldn't think of it. After a while he was ready to give up, but then he remembered something, a memory that he had buried to protect himself. He knew he couldn't have mentioned that incident again unless she brought it up. "You like scuba diving."
Asuka's face lit up. "You remembered!" she cheered.
"Well, that particular event scorched a mark on my mind," he said smiling at her, remembering her ways to motivate him in thermal expansion all over again.
"I was just trying to help you. Is that the you way to say thanks?" she retorted with a sly smile.
"Gomen..."
"You haven't lost your habit about always apologizing for everything, eh?" Asuka snapped.
"Gom..." he started, but then caught himself. "Never mind."
Asuka grinned. "I was certain that you wouldn't remember that old thing."
"It wasn't so long ago..." Shinji mumbled as his mind ran through the so called 'good old times.'
"But it feels like it..." Asuka sighed. "So, anything interesting been happening when I was away?"
"I wouldn't say interesting, exactly..." His thoughts begin to fall into darkness again, as they had been so often as of late.
Asuka noticed then that he got depressed easily whenever she asked about the recent times. Something had happened when she was in her coma, and it was weighting heavily in his little shoulders. With more weight than she thought he could bare alone for long. "You seem different... sadder than usual. Is there something on your mind?"
"I..." he stammered, faltering again. He was waiting for someone who he could talk to about this, it was one of the only things he wanted anymore. But now that he finally had a chance, he was afraid, scared that she would begin to really hate him - to despise him and avoid him at all costs... 'Murderer!' He could see her finger pointing at him accusing in his mind already.
Asuka noticed how Shinji's face had suddenly turned dower, and had a deep look of foreboding about it suddenly. "Shinji..." she started, waiting for him to look up before saying anything else. "I know."
Shinji's face fell blank and pale instantly. "Wh-wha-what are you..."
"About Wonder girl... I mean... Ayanami Rei. I know... what she is."
Shinji's jaw drop wide open. While he had been expecting her to say something about Kaworu, he did not expect her to suddenly mention Rei of all people. Especially about something like that... "How... did you..."
Asuka put her fingers to Shinji's lips to silence him before he could say anything else. "It's not important. I know what she meant to you... and I'm sorry."
Shinji stared at her for moment. He took her hand inside his palm and just held it tightly. They both looked to each other, and he found Asuka's eyes to be so receptive. He knew she would listen to what he had to say about her, at least. "She... it was so easy to talk to her... she was just there for me... she listened to everything that I said... no matter how pathetic or stupid it was..."
Asuka felt a sharp little stinging in her heart. Usually when Shinji wanted to talk her about almost anything, she had just driven him away, thinking that she had better things to do than listen to him complain. 'Well, not anymore! Time to do something useful for once...' "So... how did you find out?"
"I should ask you that, " he chuckled, but it was obviously forced, for his features remained dark. "Ritsuko showed it to us... to me and misato. What she was... is... there were dozens of them... her. It... it looked so...so"Shinji tried to find the words he wanted to use, but nothing he could think of was strong enough. "Wrong... so sick..."
Asuka grimaced. She remembered what she had seen while in her coma. It was worse than sick, but she wasn't going to try and correct him. She couldn't think of a strong enough word to fit her feelings anyway. "Does she know who... or what... she is?"
"I think so." Shinji sighed. "I don't even know her... not that I knew her well before, mind you..."
"It must be frustrating for her..." Asuka said softly, remembering what the Commander had said about her conditioning, and what he had done to her while she had watched. She would be forced to accept the fact that someone else would be constantly controlling her life at every turn. It had to hurt. Being chained down was the last thing that the poor girl needed.
"I don't even know if she can feel frustrated... Now, I know why father could always put her in the most danger, in the heart of risk... I was only a tool, nothing new there of course... been there, seen it..." He clenched his other palm into a fist while keeping a light hold of Asuka's hand with his other. "And I felt it."
Asuka drew her hand out of Shinji's palm slowly and embraced him tightly. It looked like the whole world could have just stopped at that moment for all either of them cared. Shinji found that he didn't care why she was being so nice suddenly. All that mattered to him was the fact that his friend had finally woken up, and that she actually did care.
They just stood there, continuing to hold each other, for what seemed like an eternity.
Shinji felt the sudden urge to kiss her. She looked so different from before. He knew that he had always felt some leave of attraction towards her... but now it was only stronger. She was actually showing that she could care as well, and that she could understand him. It meant more to him than anything else, and he really wanted to kiss her, to let her know how much she meant. He knew that he was always trying to gather the strength to stand up to her, but he didn't want to hurt her if she was still weak. Ever since the fifteenth Angel that nearly destroyed her, he had seen how vulnerable she truly was.
He always wondered if she had felt anything at all when she had kissed him. It wasn't the best kiss in the world, he knew that, as he could barely breath, but he still felt a connection from his end. When he told Kaji about it - ignoring the horrible fate that would come his way if Asuka ever found out - the man simply laughed and suggested that maybe she didn't find it as bad as she suggested, and that Shinji should just try his chances.
He backed off slowly after that point anyway, though, when he saw how unreachable she made herself to be. Whenever he tried to comfort her, or even talk to her, she had pushed him away. 'Mind your own business, baka! Go away, baka! I hate you, baka!'
He always thought that she hated him, but she wasn't hating him now. Suddenly it felt the opposite. The only question that danced about inside his head was a difficult one. 'Could she feel the same way about me?' He was too afraid to try to find out the answer, to afraid to hurt her... too afraid that she would run away and leave him alone again... just like Kaworu had done.
Asuka could have been there forever, just holding Shinji like she was. She didn't care about anything else around them. She actually found herself wishing that the moment would never end. She liked the feeling. She didn't remember when she had ever felt it before...
The fact that somebody cared. It may be that she had felt it when she found that she was an Eva pilot so long ago... 'No,' she told herself firmly, holding him tighter. She didn't need those memories now, on top of everything else. Besides that happiness... if she could call the burning sensation inside of her when she thought of that moment happiness... What she really need was this. This new feeling... this comforting feeling what made her feel good.
But there was something more to it than just that. She had sleepwalked a few times while staying in the apartment, bu somehow she often ended up in Shinji's room. She didn't admit that fact to anyone, and when Misato found out, she blamed it all on Shinji, of course. She felt like it must have been his fault... but that wasn't right. It was her self denial. Her stupid self denial.
When she was all alone, Shinji seemed to be only person who she could turn to, even if it was just to mock him, or to put him down, or even to yell at him. He was always there, and she had simply never realized it. Now she felt something more than seeking refuge or comfort. Something much stronger.
Love?
She had always thought that she loved Kaji. But now she noticed that it seemed to be a wasted effort, pointless from the beginning. Kaji and Misato were made each other. It really was obvious... or it was obvious now, at least. She ended up disliking Misato because she was trying to steal Kaji away from her. But the truth was quite different.
Misato never needed to steal him away. The two of them were bound together, and there wasn't really anything anyone could have done about it.
But secretly she was imaging what it could be like... if she and Shinji could be together. 'Maybe... just maybe... I could... we could... have something together. Something special. Something wonderful.'
But what if he didn't want her? What if he was too scared and ran away again? He had done it before over issues with his father... And she couldn't risk losing him the same way. He couldn't just run away from her... 'Maybe it's best to take it slow, and think some things through... we have all the time in the world, after all.'
So, ironically, they both thought the same thing at almost the same time. "I'm such a coward."
After they finally released their hold on each other, they decided it was time to return home.
Night was taking over the quiet city of Tokyo-3. Nothing inside the city moved. Even animals avoided the place because the Evas and the angels.
They eventually arrived inside of their apartment, or what was left of it, anyway. The lights were out, and it seemed dark and empty... even more so than usual.
Misato had passed out on the sofa. She probably had been worrying about Asuka and relieved her fears the only way that she knew how. Asuka noticed that her hair was a mess, and that the odour of beer, sweat, and coffee was filling the room. Her guardian must have skipped a few showers recently.
"How long has this been keeping up?" she asked, looking to Shinji.
"Let's see... a long time. Too long a time." Shinji shook her head. "I hope that seeing you will make her feel better..."
"Where's that blasted bird?"
"She gave it to Hikari when they were evacuated," Shinji replied. "She wanted it to be safe, and in good hands."
"Should we carry her to her room?" Asuka proposed.
Shinji glanced at her in surprise. "If you are strong enough."
"What, you are questioning my muscles now? Haven't you gotten enough demonstration yet?" she asked with a smile.
Shinji smiled as he held up his hands... one of the first smiles she had seen from him in quite some time. "No, I mean that she's gained some weight. She has almost used up her entire beer supply in just a few days."
"Well, let's try," Asuka suggested.
After a while of struggling, they managed to move her slowly, and eventually they got her to her own room. Gently, they placed her on her bed. Asuka heard Misato muttering the name "Kaji..." quite a few times, but she said nothing of it.
They were both exhausted. They said good night each other as they left Misato's room and went to their own rooms. Before sleep could take them, though, they both had a lot to think about...
End of Chapter two