Exodus: Gift for you
Chapter 3: Promise
Misato struggled to her feet. She had just put a rough night behind her, though she didn't remember much of it after getting home. She hadn't made any kind of progress in her investigation whatsoever. She had tried to hack into the MAGI from her home computer, but it was useless. The protection was far too strong.
Her friend... or was she her former friend? Misato had only seen her once in a long time, and she was depressed to talk at the time. Either way, Ritsuko had done a fairly good job at finishing her mother's work.
She had created firewall protections, strong ones, too. Only one desperate type defense wasn't in place, which was the famous Beast's defense system, or type 666 firewall. Misato had only a slim chance to break through everything else, though, and it had to be done from the inside of MAGI, literally. There was a weak spot in the coolant systems which she should be able to hack through. It would be cold, though. And she knew she couldn't take any extra clothing, either, as that would have arisen some suspicions.
Another thing what weighed heavily on her mind was Shinji.
They two have been growing apart for quite some time now. They didn't talk each other at all. Not even 'good mornings' were changed between them. Shinji just stayed in his room and stared at the wall or ceiling, if he was even within the house at all. Misato felt that she had abandoned him, but there was nothing that she could do about it. She was not a parent.
It was just better if she did nothing at all...
"No," she whispered quietly to herself. It wasn't better to do nothing. That would only make things even worse. Shinji would rather spend all his time in the hospital, as the side of Asuka's lifeless body. Misato even knew why he was spending so much time there. He needed someone to tell him what to do. Someone to order him around. The girl was good for him, and Misato missed her presence more keenly than ever before.
Misato wished that she could still be in the house, even with her rough, almost abusive way of telling him to do things. Maybe she was the only one who could bring him around, bring him back to who he was. He obviously couldn't get it together on his own. Misato could only leave him alone and hope for the best. But she knew that wasn't helping. She just couldn't find the words to help him.
"We'll see about that..." she mumbled as she opened the door to her room and entered the hallway. Now, it was her turn to try. She was going to talk to him, to help him, even if she had to force it down his throat with her bare hands.
She marched to the kitchen, the very kitchen that she used to always find the boy in. As she stumbled along in the early morning, she started to wonder how she had ended up in her room in the first place. She didn't think she had made it passed the living room...
The kitchen was unusually quiet. A little ray of sunshine came in from the window, but otherwise it was totally desolate. As she looked around, she noticed a bowl of soup on the table. Shinji must ahve left it there from her, she supposed. Without any other ideas, and feeling her own hunger, she took a seat and sipped at the cooling soup.
The kitchen was surprisingly clean despite everything that had happened. She supposed that Shinji must still be cleaning, though it must have been out of habit. There was nothing else he could do. He hadn't even used his SDAT-recorder for a long time. The background music that took his mind out of reality had been missing for some time.
He had no extra batteries left, and no means of finding any more. He hadn't had his music since just after the seventeenth angel fell. Misato had tried to comfort him, but her words only seemed to make matters worse, despite her efforts. "Damn those monsters..." she whispered quietly, lifting the spoon to her lips. She knew that it wasn't over yet. Even though the angels had all been destroyed, something else was still coming. That much was obvious, as Tokyo-3 hadn't withdrawn the evacuation order.
Misato carefully took a sip from the soup, trying to remember how her life had ended up so poorly. She froze as the food hit her tongue, noticing something quite different about it.
It tasted like the first soup Shinji had made when he had arrived in the apartment. He had been so happy then... well, happier than he had been before, anyway. She had noticed that his mood had always had a way of affecting everything that he did. He poured himself into his cooking, when he wanted to. Recently, he had just put the food together like a machine.
These past few days, Misato had simply found the food left for her, but it had no heart in it. It was just thrown together. But this soup... this miso soup tasted like he wanted to cook it. Like he wanted it to taste good. Maybe he was finally getting better.
She heard footsteps behind her, and she put the spoon down slowly and deliberately. It was more of a challenge than she thought it would be. The footsteps stopped at the doorway, and she assumed that he was simply standing there watching her.
"Shinji," Misato called. No answer. "Fine. Be that way," she muttered bitterly. The steps started to walk away again, and she looked away from her soup at the wall in front of her. "Stay where you are," Misato ordered. She wasn't going to let the chance pass. She had to try to help him. She almost smiled when the steps stopped. "We have to talk. We can do it like this, or you can come out of hiding and sit next to me, and we can talk here."
Silence.
"Have it your way then. Either way, you are going to hear it," she said coldly. It was no longer an option, putting it off. "I know these days have been rough. You have lost your friends, even..." Misato tried not to be hostile this time, remembering how he had reacted the last time anyone mentioned the boy. "...Even Kaworu."
The steps started walking away again. "No." She ordered, and smiled to herself when they stopped again. At least he would still listen to her. "I'm not finished yet." There was a few more steps then, but they were coming towards her. They stopped again in the doorway, as though waiting for her to talk again. She kept her gaze fixed on the wall. Misato swallowed hard. She hadn't thought it would be so hard. "Right. I know that you've been down. I'm actually surprised that you haven't run away yet, but instead you remain here. You started to run away from yourself without even leaving. Well guess what -- I'm not gonna feel sorry for you. If you want to continue like this, you can run away and go to hiding. Don't stay here like this."
Again silence.
"Now would be a hell of a good time to start making your own decisions. You are lying to yourself, and I'm sick of it. You are simply waiting for someone to tell you what to do. Even someone who is half dead, or even dead. You just keep repeating the pattern. That is pathetic." As she paused again, the steps started to walk away, but froze as she spoke up again. "Yeah. Just as I thought... Let me ask something, though. Has running away ever made you feel better about anything? Has it ever helped?" She did not receive a response, but she was starting to expect that. "Right. It has only ever made things worse. You know that you suffer more when you hurt others, so you just keep telling yourself that if you don't do anything at all, everything's gonna be alright," she said. "Feh, think again." She snorted and then continued. "The coming days will not be any easier, so I'm giving you a chance to think. You have a choice, so don't try to lie to yourself. You have had it rough, I won't deny you that. But so have I, and I'm not weeping about, I'm not hiding myself from everybody around me. That is all." She had tried to get her message through to him. She doubted he was even listening, though. But she had tried.
Then she heard something that she didn't expect. She had half expected Shinji to either walk bac to his room or start crying uncontrollably. He had wept when he had learned what Rei really was. What she heard caught her off guard.
Clapping.
"Thank you very much, I feel so much better now." The bright voice dripped with sarcasm.
"What the..." Misato turned and her eyes grew wide. The very last person that she had expected to see, Asuka Soryu Langley, was standing in the doorway, looking slightly amused at the whole situation. She was dressed in clothes that Misato didn't recognize, but somehow the jeans and green shirt suited her better than anything she had seen thus far. "I'll be damned..." Misato chuckled, trying to force herself to smile. She was happy, but she had hoped to get through to Shinji.
"Not yet, I'm afraid. Our number one pilot seems to have saved the day again..." she said, her words harsh, but her tone kind, without any malice within it.. "By the way, if you are looking for Shinji, he left couple of minutes ago, before you got up. It is a little late." Asuka walked into the kitchen and sat next to her.
Misato nodded slowly, trying to commit the speech she had just given to her memory, so she could give it again. She had to remember it, so she could try to help Shinji later. She then looked over at the German girl next to her. She had been depressed and low ever since the fifteenth angel had mind raped her. But now she looked neutral, not really happy or sad, but just like nothing had even happened.
"Did you..." Misato pointed to the soup, asking without words if she had made the food.
Asuka's eye opened wider for a second. "Me?" she pointed to herself in amusement. And then she laughed just a bit. More of a chuckle. "As much as I would love to take the glory, I can't." She sighed. "No. Shinji made it, I just watched this morning."
"Oh." Misato nodded and took another sip from the soup that brought back happy memories. "So where is he?"
Asuka glanced out the kitchen window and shrugged. "He went out. He said that he needed some fresh air. He even said that there was nothing else in the city but fresh air." She waved out the window, and looked back to Misato. "THis place is like a ghost town, save for the bugs, the cicadas that are everywhere."
"Would you tell me when he gets back?" she asked.
"Why?" Asuka replied.
"I have to talk to him," she replied, a shadow passing over her face. "He needs something to get him moving again."
"I think he is already moving again," Asuka answered.
"Running away? Again?" Misato asked, worried. She then shook her head. She had a second child to worry about again, too. "Never mind. How are you doing?"
"Better than yesterday. Why?" she asked, sounding a little amused at the question.
"You feel different... more..." Misato tried to find the word she was looking for, but couldn't place it.
"Sane? Alive?" Asuka threw a couple of things out at her guardian.
"Calmer," Misato settled on after a moment. "You alright with that?"
"I guess so," she replied, rubbing the back of her neck.
"So... how are you feeling?" Misato inquired again.
"Like I said, I'm better. Better than I have been in a very long time." She leaned onto the table slowly. "I've been here and there."
"I thought you were lying in bed at the hospital," she pointed out.
"Yes and no." She looked up to the ceiling. "It's sort of hard to explain."
"Why don't you give it a shot?" Misato suggested.
Asuka took her sight away from the roof slowly and sighed. She thought about it for a few minutes before speaking again. "Well, I have plenty of time now." She corrected her position in her chair, making herself more comfortable. "Have you ever been alone, ever felt trapped in a dark room without any light?"
"A few times," Misato answered with a small grin. "I dragged quite a few of the ugly boys to darker rooms to make out when I was younger. Just to give them an ego boost."
Asuka laughed at that admission. "You are just what the United Nations needs... a messenger of good will..."
Misato frowned. "You were about telling me something."
"Yeah. Now that that's over with, were you ever there alone?" Asuka asked. "Trapped?"
Misato began to think about what she had asked and then answered. "Yeah, some times. At least, it feels like it."
"So, did you ever feel that you were alone, but on the other hand, you were surrounded? Like everyone you knew was in the room with you, but they were still miles away? Too distant to be there, but all too clear anyway?
Misato thought for a moment, but then she gave up. "No. That sounds a bit scary."
"Well it is, trust me on that one. It was more than a little spooky, and I wanted to get out of there, but it was like I was glued in place and couldn't move." Her tone then got more serious, and she continued. "Then, I starting getting asked some strange questions. Out of nowhere, they asked every question that I couldn't answer, questions that I wanted to avoid at almost any cost."
"Sounds like some interrogation room..." She swallowed deeply as she remembered what had taken place in the dark room and the strange committee. It couldn't have been the same thing.
"Except, there were no accusations... or maybe there were, but it came from those I knew, which made it easier, somehow. And harder." She continued without even noticing that Misato had said something. "Anyway, there I was, inside a room that was beyond my comprehension." She stopped and smiled a little. "They should've sent a poet..."
"I think I iunderstand where you are coming from with that. What happened inside... in there?"
"That is the best part," she explained. "Or, I don't know if that's the way I should describe it or not. I was there, and saw and heard many strange things. And when it had finished, I came to a great realization."
"And what was that?" Misato asked.
"That I'm hollow. I'm empty. Look, I'm going to ask you the same question what I asked ba..." She trailed off as she stopped herself from insulting Shinji, even if it was when he could hear it. "Shinji." Misato could tell that she did not have an easy time with not insulting him, but she wasn't sure why she hadn't done it. She always called him baka Shinji.
"I'm ready, ask your question, bridge keeper. I'm not afraid." Misato smiled, trying to add at least a touch of humour to the tense position she felt herself in.
"The question is simple. Tell me one fact that doesn't have any connection with Eva that is about me. One hobby, tradition, anything... can you say something about me that doesn't involve the Evangelion Unit?"
"You watch the British animation 'The Snowman' every Christmas," Misato answered without hesitating at all.
"How did you know that?" she asked, delighted and surprised at the same time. Maybe she wasn't as bad off as she had thought. Maybe there were more people that still cared about her than she had thought...
"I got that from Kaji," Misato admitted, looking far out the window, into the distance within her own eyes.
"I picked up that habit when I was spending my first Christmas alone..." Asuka said softly. "I was little then... and I had been waiting for my grandma to come for me for some time..." She followed Misato's sightless gaze to the window, and took a deep breath before continuing. "I watched TV while I waited, and it was then that I saw that foolish program. It was old. More than thirty years old," she admitted.
"So we aren't talking about anything new?" Misato inquired.
"Not at all," she answered. "Not at all. I don't lie." She laughed a little as she said that. "I was only trying to find something to watch, but there was only that SMS chat going on. And so I thought to myself 'What the heck?' And turned back to theat channel, and watched."
"So, I guess that you liked what you saw," Misato pointed out.
"Not at first, not really. I thought is was really odd. 'What is this, some crappey animation without sound?' After about twenty minutes, I was going to shut it off and do something else." Her gaze fell to the table again, and she fell silent.
"So what made you change your mind?" her guardian asked curiously.
"I don't know. Maybe it was with the flight scene. When I watched it and heard the music, I felt relief and a strange warmth spread throughout me. Like I was back home, with everyone else still around..." Asuka looked calm and peaceul as she explained it slowly.
"And you have simply watched it again each year for years now?" Misato asked.
"Yes."
"Don't you ever get tired of watching it? You know what happens in the end, right?" Misato asked. "Doesn't that get old?"
"The snowman melts away, and that kid is standing in the yard, trying to figure out if anything was real, or if it was all just a dream or not..." Asuka sighed. "Kind of like our lives here. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that this is all one big nightmare."
"I know what you mean there. These days, it only gets harder to say what's real, and what is made up by others." Misato nodded slowly to herself as she said it, remembering the work she had been doing to uncover the truth recently. "But you really don't get fed up watching it all over again each year?"
"No. I'm not watching it because of the plot. I like the feeling that it gives, that's all. The feeling that I'm home again," she whispered. "From that day on, I watched it every year, from start to finish. It became my own tradition. I didn't have anything else back then." She then looked to Misato curiously. "Was there ever snow when you were younger?"
Misato started a little when the conversation was suddenly asking her to look back on her youth. Thus far it had been her asking the questions. But it was only fair, even if she didn't like looking back either. "Rarely." She said. "When there was, it wasn't expected. Adults always cursed the whole thing, but us kids were excited because snow was something different..." She smiled a little, but stopped as she continued. "Since... then, the only place where you can even find snow in the world is in the mountains, and to the far north. Cold air doesn't exist anymore."
"So, what was it like? The snow, I mean. I don't know anything about it, not really..."
"Cold and wet," she grinned. "Mostly just that, but if it was soft enough, you could make snowballs out of it and throw them at each other." Misato smiled again. "It was called snow-war. Very common." Her smile faded. "War was so light a word back then..." She shook her head and tasted Shinji's soup again. The warmth of the cold liquid was an odd sensation. The warmth of Shinji simply caring versus the cold of the soup...
"Did you ever make a snowman?" Asuka asked.
"I was a snow-man, or rather, snow-girl, myself. I was almost covered with snow from head to toe after most of those battles." Misato shuddered as she remembered the cold. "After Second Impact, I really didn't miss the snow. I just missed being with everyone else, being together, and having fun..."
"Hmm-m." Asuka nodded. "Well, now you know."
"What?" Misato wondered.
"My little secret."
"Oh, this was something private?" Misato asked, surprised that the Second Child would be willing to share something like that so openly.
"Not anymore... besides Kaji already knew, I guess. And now you do too. I didn't really want it spread around, though... it was embarrassing that an intelligent person like me could be hooking to some old pre-Second Impact cartoon... a cartoon that was old even then." she said a little quietly.
"Heh, the warrior princess image doesn't leave much choice. That was more like you... When did we last have a conversation like this?" Misato asked, trying to think back, but failing.
"Never."
"Really?" Misato asked.
"I told this kind of thing to Kaji, just because I thought I loved him. But you are only one left here right now." She swallowed before continuing. "By the way, what have you been up to since I was out of it?" The dark shadow covered Misato's face as soon as the question was asked, but the older woman didn't say anything. "Nothing fun, I see." Asuka pointed out.
"Not really. After you... left seventeenth angel came. And died." Misato sighed. "The Angels are no more. But I don't feel relieved by that fact." She remembered her vengeance speech and wondered if she had any real idea as to what was coming.
"I know about Rei," Asuka said suddenly.
"What?" Misato asked, the comment catching her off guard.
"I said I know about Rei. That she is a tool, clone."
"How?" Misato asked..
"When I was there, in that dark room, I saw how Rei... was made. The Commander is playing god." The amount of pity in her voice startled Misato.
"Not anymore. Ritsuko destroyed the rest of them. There will not be any new Reis after this one."
"What happened to Ritsuko?" Asuka asked. Something in her guardian's voice told her that the doctor had been punished for her actions.
"She's being court-martialled. Normally it would have been an instant death sentence, but I don't believe that the Commander wants anyone to know about his little teen girl factory, and if he had just killed her, then people would have asked questions... questions that he couldn't stop." She was well aware of the ice in her voice, but she didn't care.
"Sounds cruel. She didn't make any plans... just pulled the plug?" Asuka asked in surprise. "She was smarter than that the last time I saw her."
"Yeah. She just cracked, I guess. Something about the pain of being second place. She is still acting like nothing means anything, though, like the end of the world is coming. Like she knows something what I don't," she explained, her frustration showing clearly.
"Sounds bad," Asuka said. "Now that we've talked a bit, and I've told you more about me than ever before, I want to make a request of you, if I can."
"What is it?" Misato asked with a sigh. She had thought Asuka was simply trying to open up more.
The girl was quiet for some time, and held onto the table firmly with both hands, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. It was like she was bracing her heart and body for a horrific storm. "I want to resign," she said after a long moment of silence.
"From what?" Misato asked, but she already thought she knew what was about to come.
"I don't want to be a Pilot anymore," she whispered so quietly that Misato could barely hear her.
Misato closed her eyes to make sure she wasn't still sleeping. There was no doubt about it. She was awake. "That is something I don't hear every day from you. I thought it was all you ever wanted."
"So did I. I first felt that same feeling. I felt at home when I was piloting... and when I knew I was needed. But now I only feel cold and hollow, like it was not all I thought it was. I want to see if there is anything else, if there is anything more to life that that. It doesn't bring me any joy anymore, and all I know is pain and suffering, and I'm tired of it. I quit," she said firmly. "Besides, with all the angels destroyed, it is really just a big toy. A big, dangerous toy."
Misato didn't expect the response she had received, but she also knew that Asuka had done more than her part in this war. just like everyone else. "I can't accept," she said slowly. Asuka began to open his mouth to protest but Misato continued before she could. "Hear me out first, please."
Asuka nodded, though it was obvious that she was a little angry "Alright."
It was then Misato's turn to draw a deep breath before speaking. "We all thought that when the angels were gone, it would be over. And we would be in peace, finally. That is not the case, though. I think that something bad is about to happen. I can feel it."
"What, the end of the world?" Asuka asked sarcastically. Misato's serious look shocked her. "Hey, hey... I was only kidding," Asuka said quickly.
"You said once that Evangelions are robots. Seems like that isn't exactly true. I don't know what is coming, but I know we are all going to be in danger. A lot of danger. That's why I can't let you go yet. I have to ask you to be ready for sometime, for whatever is coming for us," Misato explained. "They may be toys, but like you said, they are big, dangerous toys."
Asuka sighed. "Christ, doesn't it ever stop?"
"Hopefully it will. I'm going today to the Magi Central System to get to the bottom of this." She then paused, and looked into Asuka's eyes. "Well?"
"Well, what?" Asuka snapped.
"Will you pilot?" Misato asked.
"Never thought someone would have to ask that of me..." Asuka snorted. "I'll do it," she confessed after awhile. "If the world is coming to an end, then I would be killed too, and that's the last thing I want right now. Just promise me one thing, okay?"
"Anything," Misato replied immediately.
"That this is the last time," Asuka said.
"I promise. After this is over, and everything is said and done, we will all go do something relaxing... together. Alright?" Misato answered.
"Good. I could go for that," Asuka admitted, and they then both fell silent again.
Chapter 3: Promise
Misato struggled to her feet. She had just put a rough night behind her, though she didn't remember much of it after getting home. She hadn't made any kind of progress in her investigation whatsoever. She had tried to hack into the MAGI from her home computer, but it was useless. The protection was far too strong.
Her friend... or was she her former friend? Misato had only seen her once in a long time, and she was depressed to talk at the time. Either way, Ritsuko had done a fairly good job at finishing her mother's work.
She had created firewall protections, strong ones, too. Only one desperate type defense wasn't in place, which was the famous Beast's defense system, or type 666 firewall. Misato had only a slim chance to break through everything else, though, and it had to be done from the inside of MAGI, literally. There was a weak spot in the coolant systems which she should be able to hack through. It would be cold, though. And she knew she couldn't take any extra clothing, either, as that would have arisen some suspicions.
Another thing what weighed heavily on her mind was Shinji.
They two have been growing apart for quite some time now. They didn't talk each other at all. Not even 'good mornings' were changed between them. Shinji just stayed in his room and stared at the wall or ceiling, if he was even within the house at all. Misato felt that she had abandoned him, but there was nothing that she could do about it. She was not a parent.
It was just better if she did nothing at all...
"No," she whispered quietly to herself. It wasn't better to do nothing. That would only make things even worse. Shinji would rather spend all his time in the hospital, as the side of Asuka's lifeless body. Misato even knew why he was spending so much time there. He needed someone to tell him what to do. Someone to order him around. The girl was good for him, and Misato missed her presence more keenly than ever before.
Misato wished that she could still be in the house, even with her rough, almost abusive way of telling him to do things. Maybe she was the only one who could bring him around, bring him back to who he was. He obviously couldn't get it together on his own. Misato could only leave him alone and hope for the best. But she knew that wasn't helping. She just couldn't find the words to help him.
"We'll see about that..." she mumbled as she opened the door to her room and entered the hallway. Now, it was her turn to try. She was going to talk to him, to help him, even if she had to force it down his throat with her bare hands.
She marched to the kitchen, the very kitchen that she used to always find the boy in. As she stumbled along in the early morning, she started to wonder how she had ended up in her room in the first place. She didn't think she had made it passed the living room...
The kitchen was unusually quiet. A little ray of sunshine came in from the window, but otherwise it was totally desolate. As she looked around, she noticed a bowl of soup on the table. Shinji must ahve left it there from her, she supposed. Without any other ideas, and feeling her own hunger, she took a seat and sipped at the cooling soup.
The kitchen was surprisingly clean despite everything that had happened. She supposed that Shinji must still be cleaning, though it must have been out of habit. There was nothing else he could do. He hadn't even used his SDAT-recorder for a long time. The background music that took his mind out of reality had been missing for some time.
He had no extra batteries left, and no means of finding any more. He hadn't had his music since just after the seventeenth angel fell. Misato had tried to comfort him, but her words only seemed to make matters worse, despite her efforts. "Damn those monsters..." she whispered quietly, lifting the spoon to her lips. She knew that it wasn't over yet. Even though the angels had all been destroyed, something else was still coming. That much was obvious, as Tokyo-3 hadn't withdrawn the evacuation order.
Misato carefully took a sip from the soup, trying to remember how her life had ended up so poorly. She froze as the food hit her tongue, noticing something quite different about it.
It tasted like the first soup Shinji had made when he had arrived in the apartment. He had been so happy then... well, happier than he had been before, anyway. She had noticed that his mood had always had a way of affecting everything that he did. He poured himself into his cooking, when he wanted to. Recently, he had just put the food together like a machine.
These past few days, Misato had simply found the food left for her, but it had no heart in it. It was just thrown together. But this soup... this miso soup tasted like he wanted to cook it. Like he wanted it to taste good. Maybe he was finally getting better.
She heard footsteps behind her, and she put the spoon down slowly and deliberately. It was more of a challenge than she thought it would be. The footsteps stopped at the doorway, and she assumed that he was simply standing there watching her.
"Shinji," Misato called. No answer. "Fine. Be that way," she muttered bitterly. The steps started to walk away again, and she looked away from her soup at the wall in front of her. "Stay where you are," Misato ordered. She wasn't going to let the chance pass. She had to try to help him. She almost smiled when the steps stopped. "We have to talk. We can do it like this, or you can come out of hiding and sit next to me, and we can talk here."
Silence.
"Have it your way then. Either way, you are going to hear it," she said coldly. It was no longer an option, putting it off. "I know these days have been rough. You have lost your friends, even..." Misato tried not to be hostile this time, remembering how he had reacted the last time anyone mentioned the boy. "...Even Kaworu."
The steps started walking away again. "No." She ordered, and smiled to herself when they stopped again. At least he would still listen to her. "I'm not finished yet." There was a few more steps then, but they were coming towards her. They stopped again in the doorway, as though waiting for her to talk again. She kept her gaze fixed on the wall. Misato swallowed hard. She hadn't thought it would be so hard. "Right. I know that you've been down. I'm actually surprised that you haven't run away yet, but instead you remain here. You started to run away from yourself without even leaving. Well guess what -- I'm not gonna feel sorry for you. If you want to continue like this, you can run away and go to hiding. Don't stay here like this."
Again silence.
"Now would be a hell of a good time to start making your own decisions. You are lying to yourself, and I'm sick of it. You are simply waiting for someone to tell you what to do. Even someone who is half dead, or even dead. You just keep repeating the pattern. That is pathetic." As she paused again, the steps started to walk away, but froze as she spoke up again. "Yeah. Just as I thought... Let me ask something, though. Has running away ever made you feel better about anything? Has it ever helped?" She did not receive a response, but she was starting to expect that. "Right. It has only ever made things worse. You know that you suffer more when you hurt others, so you just keep telling yourself that if you don't do anything at all, everything's gonna be alright," she said. "Feh, think again." She snorted and then continued. "The coming days will not be any easier, so I'm giving you a chance to think. You have a choice, so don't try to lie to yourself. You have had it rough, I won't deny you that. But so have I, and I'm not weeping about, I'm not hiding myself from everybody around me. That is all." She had tried to get her message through to him. She doubted he was even listening, though. But she had tried.
Then she heard something that she didn't expect. She had half expected Shinji to either walk bac to his room or start crying uncontrollably. He had wept when he had learned what Rei really was. What she heard caught her off guard.
Clapping.
"Thank you very much, I feel so much better now." The bright voice dripped with sarcasm.
"What the..." Misato turned and her eyes grew wide. The very last person that she had expected to see, Asuka Soryu Langley, was standing in the doorway, looking slightly amused at the whole situation. She was dressed in clothes that Misato didn't recognize, but somehow the jeans and green shirt suited her better than anything she had seen thus far. "I'll be damned..." Misato chuckled, trying to force herself to smile. She was happy, but she had hoped to get through to Shinji.
"Not yet, I'm afraid. Our number one pilot seems to have saved the day again..." she said, her words harsh, but her tone kind, without any malice within it.. "By the way, if you are looking for Shinji, he left couple of minutes ago, before you got up. It is a little late." Asuka walked into the kitchen and sat next to her.
Misato nodded slowly, trying to commit the speech she had just given to her memory, so she could give it again. She had to remember it, so she could try to help Shinji later. She then looked over at the German girl next to her. She had been depressed and low ever since the fifteenth angel had mind raped her. But now she looked neutral, not really happy or sad, but just like nothing had even happened.
"Did you..." Misato pointed to the soup, asking without words if she had made the food.
Asuka's eye opened wider for a second. "Me?" she pointed to herself in amusement. And then she laughed just a bit. More of a chuckle. "As much as I would love to take the glory, I can't." She sighed. "No. Shinji made it, I just watched this morning."
"Oh." Misato nodded and took another sip from the soup that brought back happy memories. "So where is he?"
Asuka glanced out the kitchen window and shrugged. "He went out. He said that he needed some fresh air. He even said that there was nothing else in the city but fresh air." She waved out the window, and looked back to Misato. "THis place is like a ghost town, save for the bugs, the cicadas that are everywhere."
"Would you tell me when he gets back?" she asked.
"Why?" Asuka replied.
"I have to talk to him," she replied, a shadow passing over her face. "He needs something to get him moving again."
"I think he is already moving again," Asuka answered.
"Running away? Again?" Misato asked, worried. She then shook her head. She had a second child to worry about again, too. "Never mind. How are you doing?"
"Better than yesterday. Why?" she asked, sounding a little amused at the question.
"You feel different... more..." Misato tried to find the word she was looking for, but couldn't place it.
"Sane? Alive?" Asuka threw a couple of things out at her guardian.
"Calmer," Misato settled on after a moment. "You alright with that?"
"I guess so," she replied, rubbing the back of her neck.
"So... how are you feeling?" Misato inquired again.
"Like I said, I'm better. Better than I have been in a very long time." She leaned onto the table slowly. "I've been here and there."
"I thought you were lying in bed at the hospital," she pointed out.
"Yes and no." She looked up to the ceiling. "It's sort of hard to explain."
"Why don't you give it a shot?" Misato suggested.
Asuka took her sight away from the roof slowly and sighed. She thought about it for a few minutes before speaking again. "Well, I have plenty of time now." She corrected her position in her chair, making herself more comfortable. "Have you ever been alone, ever felt trapped in a dark room without any light?"
"A few times," Misato answered with a small grin. "I dragged quite a few of the ugly boys to darker rooms to make out when I was younger. Just to give them an ego boost."
Asuka laughed at that admission. "You are just what the United Nations needs... a messenger of good will..."
Misato frowned. "You were about telling me something."
"Yeah. Now that that's over with, were you ever there alone?" Asuka asked. "Trapped?"
Misato began to think about what she had asked and then answered. "Yeah, some times. At least, it feels like it."
"So, did you ever feel that you were alone, but on the other hand, you were surrounded? Like everyone you knew was in the room with you, but they were still miles away? Too distant to be there, but all too clear anyway?
Misato thought for a moment, but then she gave up. "No. That sounds a bit scary."
"Well it is, trust me on that one. It was more than a little spooky, and I wanted to get out of there, but it was like I was glued in place and couldn't move." Her tone then got more serious, and she continued. "Then, I starting getting asked some strange questions. Out of nowhere, they asked every question that I couldn't answer, questions that I wanted to avoid at almost any cost."
"Sounds like some interrogation room..." She swallowed deeply as she remembered what had taken place in the dark room and the strange committee. It couldn't have been the same thing.
"Except, there were no accusations... or maybe there were, but it came from those I knew, which made it easier, somehow. And harder." She continued without even noticing that Misato had said something. "Anyway, there I was, inside a room that was beyond my comprehension." She stopped and smiled a little. "They should've sent a poet..."
"I think I iunderstand where you are coming from with that. What happened inside... in there?"
"That is the best part," she explained. "Or, I don't know if that's the way I should describe it or not. I was there, and saw and heard many strange things. And when it had finished, I came to a great realization."
"And what was that?" Misato asked.
"That I'm hollow. I'm empty. Look, I'm going to ask you the same question what I asked ba..." She trailed off as she stopped herself from insulting Shinji, even if it was when he could hear it. "Shinji." Misato could tell that she did not have an easy time with not insulting him, but she wasn't sure why she hadn't done it. She always called him baka Shinji.
"I'm ready, ask your question, bridge keeper. I'm not afraid." Misato smiled, trying to add at least a touch of humour to the tense position she felt herself in.
"The question is simple. Tell me one fact that doesn't have any connection with Eva that is about me. One hobby, tradition, anything... can you say something about me that doesn't involve the Evangelion Unit?"
"You watch the British animation 'The Snowman' every Christmas," Misato answered without hesitating at all.
"How did you know that?" she asked, delighted and surprised at the same time. Maybe she wasn't as bad off as she had thought. Maybe there were more people that still cared about her than she had thought...
"I got that from Kaji," Misato admitted, looking far out the window, into the distance within her own eyes.
"I picked up that habit when I was spending my first Christmas alone..." Asuka said softly. "I was little then... and I had been waiting for my grandma to come for me for some time..." She followed Misato's sightless gaze to the window, and took a deep breath before continuing. "I watched TV while I waited, and it was then that I saw that foolish program. It was old. More than thirty years old," she admitted.
"So we aren't talking about anything new?" Misato inquired.
"Not at all," she answered. "Not at all. I don't lie." She laughed a little as she said that. "I was only trying to find something to watch, but there was only that SMS chat going on. And so I thought to myself 'What the heck?' And turned back to theat channel, and watched."
"So, I guess that you liked what you saw," Misato pointed out.
"Not at first, not really. I thought is was really odd. 'What is this, some crappey animation without sound?' After about twenty minutes, I was going to shut it off and do something else." Her gaze fell to the table again, and she fell silent.
"So what made you change your mind?" her guardian asked curiously.
"I don't know. Maybe it was with the flight scene. When I watched it and heard the music, I felt relief and a strange warmth spread throughout me. Like I was back home, with everyone else still around..." Asuka looked calm and peaceul as she explained it slowly.
"And you have simply watched it again each year for years now?" Misato asked.
"Yes."
"Don't you ever get tired of watching it? You know what happens in the end, right?" Misato asked. "Doesn't that get old?"
"The snowman melts away, and that kid is standing in the yard, trying to figure out if anything was real, or if it was all just a dream or not..." Asuka sighed. "Kind of like our lives here. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that this is all one big nightmare."
"I know what you mean there. These days, it only gets harder to say what's real, and what is made up by others." Misato nodded slowly to herself as she said it, remembering the work she had been doing to uncover the truth recently. "But you really don't get fed up watching it all over again each year?"
"No. I'm not watching it because of the plot. I like the feeling that it gives, that's all. The feeling that I'm home again," she whispered. "From that day on, I watched it every year, from start to finish. It became my own tradition. I didn't have anything else back then." She then looked to Misato curiously. "Was there ever snow when you were younger?"
Misato started a little when the conversation was suddenly asking her to look back on her youth. Thus far it had been her asking the questions. But it was only fair, even if she didn't like looking back either. "Rarely." She said. "When there was, it wasn't expected. Adults always cursed the whole thing, but us kids were excited because snow was something different..." She smiled a little, but stopped as she continued. "Since... then, the only place where you can even find snow in the world is in the mountains, and to the far north. Cold air doesn't exist anymore."
"So, what was it like? The snow, I mean. I don't know anything about it, not really..."
"Cold and wet," she grinned. "Mostly just that, but if it was soft enough, you could make snowballs out of it and throw them at each other." Misato smiled again. "It was called snow-war. Very common." Her smile faded. "War was so light a word back then..." She shook her head and tasted Shinji's soup again. The warmth of the cold liquid was an odd sensation. The warmth of Shinji simply caring versus the cold of the soup...
"Did you ever make a snowman?" Asuka asked.
"I was a snow-man, or rather, snow-girl, myself. I was almost covered with snow from head to toe after most of those battles." Misato shuddered as she remembered the cold. "After Second Impact, I really didn't miss the snow. I just missed being with everyone else, being together, and having fun..."
"Hmm-m." Asuka nodded. "Well, now you know."
"What?" Misato wondered.
"My little secret."
"Oh, this was something private?" Misato asked, surprised that the Second Child would be willing to share something like that so openly.
"Not anymore... besides Kaji already knew, I guess. And now you do too. I didn't really want it spread around, though... it was embarrassing that an intelligent person like me could be hooking to some old pre-Second Impact cartoon... a cartoon that was old even then." she said a little quietly.
"Heh, the warrior princess image doesn't leave much choice. That was more like you... When did we last have a conversation like this?" Misato asked, trying to think back, but failing.
"Never."
"Really?" Misato asked.
"I told this kind of thing to Kaji, just because I thought I loved him. But you are only one left here right now." She swallowed before continuing. "By the way, what have you been up to since I was out of it?" The dark shadow covered Misato's face as soon as the question was asked, but the older woman didn't say anything. "Nothing fun, I see." Asuka pointed out.
"Not really. After you... left seventeenth angel came. And died." Misato sighed. "The Angels are no more. But I don't feel relieved by that fact." She remembered her vengeance speech and wondered if she had any real idea as to what was coming.
"I know about Rei," Asuka said suddenly.
"What?" Misato asked, the comment catching her off guard.
"I said I know about Rei. That she is a tool, clone."
"How?" Misato asked..
"When I was there, in that dark room, I saw how Rei... was made. The Commander is playing god." The amount of pity in her voice startled Misato.
"Not anymore. Ritsuko destroyed the rest of them. There will not be any new Reis after this one."
"What happened to Ritsuko?" Asuka asked. Something in her guardian's voice told her that the doctor had been punished for her actions.
"She's being court-martialled. Normally it would have been an instant death sentence, but I don't believe that the Commander wants anyone to know about his little teen girl factory, and if he had just killed her, then people would have asked questions... questions that he couldn't stop." She was well aware of the ice in her voice, but she didn't care.
"Sounds cruel. She didn't make any plans... just pulled the plug?" Asuka asked in surprise. "She was smarter than that the last time I saw her."
"Yeah. She just cracked, I guess. Something about the pain of being second place. She is still acting like nothing means anything, though, like the end of the world is coming. Like she knows something what I don't," she explained, her frustration showing clearly.
"Sounds bad," Asuka said. "Now that we've talked a bit, and I've told you more about me than ever before, I want to make a request of you, if I can."
"What is it?" Misato asked with a sigh. She had thought Asuka was simply trying to open up more.
The girl was quiet for some time, and held onto the table firmly with both hands, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. It was like she was bracing her heart and body for a horrific storm. "I want to resign," she said after a long moment of silence.
"From what?" Misato asked, but she already thought she knew what was about to come.
"I don't want to be a Pilot anymore," she whispered so quietly that Misato could barely hear her.
Misato closed her eyes to make sure she wasn't still sleeping. There was no doubt about it. She was awake. "That is something I don't hear every day from you. I thought it was all you ever wanted."
"So did I. I first felt that same feeling. I felt at home when I was piloting... and when I knew I was needed. But now I only feel cold and hollow, like it was not all I thought it was. I want to see if there is anything else, if there is anything more to life that that. It doesn't bring me any joy anymore, and all I know is pain and suffering, and I'm tired of it. I quit," she said firmly. "Besides, with all the angels destroyed, it is really just a big toy. A big, dangerous toy."
Misato didn't expect the response she had received, but she also knew that Asuka had done more than her part in this war. just like everyone else. "I can't accept," she said slowly. Asuka began to open his mouth to protest but Misato continued before she could. "Hear me out first, please."
Asuka nodded, though it was obvious that she was a little angry "Alright."
It was then Misato's turn to draw a deep breath before speaking. "We all thought that when the angels were gone, it would be over. And we would be in peace, finally. That is not the case, though. I think that something bad is about to happen. I can feel it."
"What, the end of the world?" Asuka asked sarcastically. Misato's serious look shocked her. "Hey, hey... I was only kidding," Asuka said quickly.
"You said once that Evangelions are robots. Seems like that isn't exactly true. I don't know what is coming, but I know we are all going to be in danger. A lot of danger. That's why I can't let you go yet. I have to ask you to be ready for sometime, for whatever is coming for us," Misato explained. "They may be toys, but like you said, they are big, dangerous toys."
Asuka sighed. "Christ, doesn't it ever stop?"
"Hopefully it will. I'm going today to the Magi Central System to get to the bottom of this." She then paused, and looked into Asuka's eyes. "Well?"
"Well, what?" Asuka snapped.
"Will you pilot?" Misato asked.
"Never thought someone would have to ask that of me..." Asuka snorted. "I'll do it," she confessed after awhile. "If the world is coming to an end, then I would be killed too, and that's the last thing I want right now. Just promise me one thing, okay?"
"Anything," Misato replied immediately.
"That this is the last time," Asuka said.
"I promise. After this is over, and everything is said and done, we will all go do something relaxing... together. Alright?" Misato answered.
"Good. I could go for that," Asuka admitted, and they then both fell silent again.