An, KnightOne: Your mongrel is back. Did you miss me?
You did not.
But I'm still not let the hope of being heard. It seems I could just die away and no one probably would notice. Shadows is posting his reviews here out of courtesy which I'm thankful of, did he knew it or not.(now he knows.) Would be nice to have other reviews, or is it just that no one here doesn't bother to look at it, because some one else has done it better?
Yes it is that, isn't it? It's just waste of time to deny. There are tons of writers who do better job than I, I mentioned one in up. Today one part of this fake dramatic failure is to be posted, as horrible as it is.
There is nothing what I hate more than fake drama, but I do it myself so where does it lead?
Someplace else. This fic...is soon to be ended. And to this you should give value. Should have kept this a one shot fic...wonderful failure...that was how Evangelion without EOE has been called.
Enough of sadness. Read.
Exodus chapter 4: Fisherman.
Shinji sat near the lake what had born there out of accident, or more like cursed cycle of pain. He remembered how this used to be centre of the city. Here he had seen other spend most of their time.
He really never had taken any part to it, just drifted along with his friends.
Friends...all gone except maybe one. He couldn't know anything for sure. Grey beach of stone which had sometimes been street and somewhere in lake couple buildings who still stood like they were not willing to die. He heard some debris to fall down. Distant rumble what reminded a thunder roaring for lost time.
Somebody said that friends are everlasting. How come they left him.
Rei. The one who had relationship to his father. Not so long ago, maybe ten moths ago he had wished that he could have what she had with her father. Now, he didn't knew what kept her bond with him. Maybe it was that she had always gone trough the same...never seeing anything else.
She couldn't like to be used...but maybe she does...Shinji shook her head and decided not to think about it. He couldn't do anything to her...and it filled him with disgust. Again seeing how she suffered, and knowing that he couldn't do anything to it.
Misato. Long he thought she act the way she did because she didn't care. He never thought it could be her way considering him part of family. But then she was crossing line with her vengeance. He knew some time that she was doing her job because of hate. He thought something like that. He chuckled by himself. She hardly was an idealist. She was still unclear, other hand she wanted her revenge but she didn't want to see them suffer...but with last angel the part what wanted revenge won. "Its a fact, sortie." Shinji repeated. Now when it was done he didn't know did she want him to stay, or leave...maybe she was trying to find out easiest way get rid of him.
"Not wanted then...nor now." He sighed.
Kaworu was only who said those two words in the most horrible moment of his life, but they actually felt soothing, for that moment when he did what he had to kill him. Was this all worth it?
Now Asuka had returned. She felt different and almost understanding. But maybe she was pretending...like those people around him. How could he knew she wasn't? She was doing it every time. When she had to find something wrong it was almost immediately him, and everything was going wrong because of him. Maybe she liked it. When she told him to scram and leave her alone he did because he thought it made her feel better. But in the same time it made her feel worse, how could he ever be at peace? She just never said what she really wanted. Maybe she wanted him to leave...easy.
"Yes..." He thought. It was better to leave them. They didn't need him or want him why would he have to stay? Only thing what he was, was source of pain and misery. He rose up from stone, gazing over the fake lake. Sun was almost intolerable...and chirping was beginning to ache his ears. 'aren't going to miss that...'
Suddenly something was hearing trough the endless chirping...humming and a song.
Melody was gentle and words were little dark but some way not feeding sorrow.
It was coming somewhere near.
Only once my dreams
I got to see
Didn't feel the smallnessunder the stars
Once I got bars on my cradle
As a prisoner I write a letter from there
Shinji looked around. He didn't see where it came but it was a male voice, and it was leaving all sounds under its shadow. He wondered how so silent voice could do it. Then he heard it again.
My Creator, let me come to you
as what my child thinks I am
He now saw where it was coming. A man. sitting some way across the broken beach, on higher rock rubble which was maybe four feet high. He was rather odd looking. He had same length hair as Shinji, but it was purple like Misato's. His clothing was almost as reversed from him. He had black shirt with longer sleeves than him, and white grey trousers. He was sitting in a rock, higher than Shinji, and holding something with two hands.
In you the beauty of the world
From which death made me an artistMan song again. Even word death didn't made him feel bad. He wanted to see who was singing. Hastily he begun to walk nearer. Man hummed again melody, what Shinji guessed to be classical.
My Creator, let me come to you
as what my child thinks I am
Now he came almost head to head with him. Distance was somewhat about maybe five meters.
He was keeping a stick with his hands and he was only seeing his face from side profile. He had closed his eyes. And once more he sang.
Created my own heaven here
Let me get awayFor little more he chanted and then he stopped. Wind out of nowhere blow and he smiled. Then in all suddenly he turned his face to his and opened his eyes. They were same color as his and were gazing him intensely. Shinji startled immediately and turned his head away. "Hmm...I didn't know that I have audience." Man spoke softly.
"I...I'm sorry if I bothered..." He took couple steps backwards, readying to leave.
"That's okay, fishes aren't afraid of sounds. They are deaf." Man said and took better grip waving his fishing rod, like teasing something to hit the hook.
"There is no fishes here." Shinji said knowing that this lake here was only artificial. He was still hoping an excuse to leave. All though he was familiar he radiated something which felt cold.
"I don't know that. I haven't tried, so how would I know? It's like people." Man spoke and turned his head to lake.
"What?" Shinji asked wondering. Now his want to leave had calmed. What ever had made him feel cold seemed only refreshing now.
He turned his face to him and smiled. "Fishing. You never know what..."Man stopped and his lips bended looking like he was going to say something repulsive. "..sea..." he relaxed and kept little pause. His smile was gone, but he was eased after saying the word. "...offers until you try. Peoples doesn't show their feelings anymore, its harder to find open people today...but what keeps you trying?"
"Pain." Shinji said confident. Knowing it all too well. "They always lie and betray..."
"Suffer, suffer, till brightest crown...." Man said showing little longing in his voice looking up.
"Uh?" Shinji lifted his head now feeling little easier. This wanderer was some how familiar.
"Old saying. It means that suffering is a way to better life. Of course its religious...but its only one. Another one is 'The One who has the pain, the one pain shall hide' Sounds familiar?" He asked again looking at him with his brown eyes.
"I...have tried that." Shinji had tried to hide every aspect of pain because others didn't like it.
"And?" Man inquired."Does it really concern you?" Shinji asked little suspicious. Who ever this one was he wasn't going to begin to tell his story to complete stranger.
"No. I know that all ready." He said. and took again glance of the lake.
"What do you...?" Shinji asked.
"Another phrase...'The one who has the fortune, the one shall fortune hide' how about that?" He asked. Lifting his head to Shinjis direction.
"That one...no I don't know that..." Shinji said after thinking. "Why are you here?" he asked now little interested. "Every civilian has been ordered to leave."
"I said already. This lake its like this town artificial, and only few is left...but let me tell you something. There is still hope." Man said now looking the lake more waiting.
"Come again?" Shinji asked. What hope? He knew what everyone wanted, he to go.
"There is fishes in this lake. Its like a person...if I try hard enough, maybe it rewards me. Maybe I'm just here because the lake, not to have fishes." He spoke again, having Shinji first time to understand what he was meaning.
"Or what if it just is silent?" He asked.
"If just being here gives me enough...what I need why should I leave? Actually I'm not really care for this fishing." He said. "I'm here for seeing...the lake."
"Why?" Shinji inquired hoping not to have confusing answer in return.
"I..." He was first time little unsure. "I was part of certain...group. Before her, I was alone. Abandoned. No one wanted me..." He said now sounding sad. "Then one of them noticed me. One of them didn't see me like others...she cared. And was ready to sacrifice herself. It felt wonderful..." He sighed.
"That someone was suffering...?" Shinji asked little jumpy. This man was first asking questions and now he was opening. Part of being abandoned felt familiar.
"No." He said confident. "That someone wanted me, and some one loved me...no matter what. She kept me always better and never understand why everyone turned me away...it was good to feel to be accepted, to be something greater." He said remembering something good, what was now past.
"Sounds like a dream." Shinji said feeling slightly better than before.
"Our...religion...told that sea is source of all evil, and it cannot be trusted Its dangerous and treacherous. They feared and hated sea...but lake was something natural, like a tear." He shook his head. "I have left it behind but it still haunts me...for end of my life."
"What happened?" Shinji felt now that he wasn't in danger. If this really was just a wanderer he couldn't hurt him, and this man hardly was a killer.
"It got complicated. We..." he started but then stiffened. "I got a bite!" He yelled suddenly.
"Really?" Shinji asked in wonder. "Are you going to pull it up?" he said.
"Sure." He took little grip on his rod and then spoke. "Would you close your eyes?" he thrown his head to Shinji's direction. He looked this time almost pleading.
"What?" Shinji asked.
"Do it for fun if not else?" he proposed.
"All right..." Shinji admitted. And closed his eyes. For one moment he heard nothing and then something rose from the water. He didn't heard anything like and animal trying to fight for its life but only water drops dripping. Man sighed agonised. "Again this..." he snorted. "Hmm...and this too..."
Shinji opened his eyes. And he screamed as he saw what man had catch.
Kaoru's head. It looked same like then, smiling and his eyes were bright.
Shinji slumped backwards and was on his back in the ground. He blinked his eyes and Kaoru's head was gone. "You couldn't do it, didn't you." Man stated little coldly, releasing his rod and raising up. He turned around. Now he looked little menacing. He had something hanging on his neck. Same kind of cross what Misato wore. But it had name Rex written on it. "Everything is fine..." he tried to calm him.
"And hell it isn't!" Shinji rose up trembling and his breathing shaking. "Don't come near me!" he shouted as he took couple step backwards, almost falling
"Shinji..."man tried to calm him again and took one step. To Shinji's horror he now saw where they were, same place where Kaoru had been when they met.
This didn't help but even made Shinji afraid more. How did he know his name? Was this somekind of new torment? Or illusion? These questions rushed in his head as he turned quickly but not quickly enough for his opinion and rushed to run.
"Wait!" Man shouted and looked after him and shook his head. "That didn't go like I wanted. Better try again."
Shinji ran harder than he had remembered. Like he was chased. He remembered that last time had been this kind of rush when Unit-02's head had crashed to shelter and he ran to his Unit-01.
But this time he was running away from unknown enemy. Somebody had done this all to remind what he was but why?
Buildings just swirled trough his vision as he was running trough the ghost town. "Have to get away..." he repeated all over. He had run some time and was about to find some shelter, and he came to stop in a closed cafe. He remembered this well because it was closest to NERV.
There he and his two friends had spend their time, because like always in his life every day was in his life a day to save mankind. There was still tables and some ketchup bottles on the few tables. Most people in this city had first time of their life been more afraid losing their life than losing their property.
Toji and Kensuke...he missed them both. Or maybe more he missed the time when he was with them. They didn't really understand him fully, but they didn't hate him. He had been difficult to adjust being with them, but he didn't really mind. At least he was wanted to be around. Still he felt bad that he had hurt his sister and later him...and both was against his will. He wasn't ever asked.
But he was asked. He didn't just know it then what was coming. It seemed unfair. What use is choice if only given is to choose to cut of your hand or cut of your leg? It all was too complicated. He returned back to old times, and to his amazement he wondered that he would even liked if everything was here like in the start, except for angels.
"What could it be..." He wondered. with out angels, he wouldn't had met him. Maybe it would have been easier. He pressed himself to wall and let sweat drops drip along his back beginning to relax. Wind blow again on his face. It felt nice. He began to hum to his self like wind was carrying a sing.
I see my soul drifting away before my eyes
leaving my body behind ascending to skies
With only single word in my mind
oh please answer me be so kind.
Singing. Same kind singing like on the beach.
It was him. Shinji opened his eyes and separated a golden flash. Near a crushed building what was lower than others he was standing. His purple hair could been well seen there. And his voice was clear. "Are you really trying to hide the pain, or are you trying to hide yourself?"
"Leave me alone!" Shinji shouted back.
"Alas, that's the catch. You don't want to be alone." Man answered.
"What do you know about me?! What have I done to you?!" He shouted covering his ears in case he would hear something else and squeezed his eyes shut.
"To both, more than you think." He said. again Shinji could see trough his eyes a golden flash and blow of wind. He waited again fascinating and mesmerising tone to start, maybe for ten seconds.
When opened his other eye, purple haired man was gone.
"Thank god...now I'll---"Shinji's speak was cut down as he saw who was next to him.
Some how, the man had manage to get next to him with out making a sound, and in maybe five seconds. He was leaning to wall like Shinji keeping his eyes closed. But like Shinji he wasn't terrified. "We have to stop meeting like this. Other Diracs will begin to suspect..." man never got to finish.
Shinji took ketchup bottle from the table and thrown it towards his head, hitting his eye corner breaking the bottle to pieces. Man gasped form pain and waved his hand to his injury. Shinji ran past him and when he was half travel across the street he turned to see did he follow him.
Man had kneeled, keeping his eye corner covered. But now was something new. He was trembling. Shinji could hear quiet sobbing. "Oh no..." he said silently. It was one thing when man had chased him. Then he was strong, and ferocious maybe. But now he was injured and even crying.
Alone like him.
His conscience begin to get on him. Seeing him vulnerable was like watching himself crying in nights when everyone had abandoned him. Shinji took couple steps from the street. Even if he was going to kill him, maybe it was for the best...but in the other hand he just had ask questions.
Again fear that he would show those things to him, but he had to know was he injured more badly.
When he got closer past the cafe tables, man was leaning to wall to his left while being on his knees.
"Are...you...all right...?" Shinji tried carefully while still preparing to run away.
"I..." He said his voice almost cracking. "I didn't believe you would come back."
"Just..." Shinji swallowed. "What is it that you want?"
Man rose again standing up but he didn't turn to face Shinji. He held his wound with his left hand and spoke. "You are leaving?" He took support from the wall
"How did you...."Shinji rose his voice as again fear of unknown began to knock back of his head.
"Do you know what others want from you?" He asked now gaining back the certainty of his voice.
"They want me to leave." Shinji said.
"They have said it to you in face? With those same words?" purple head asked again.
"They act like they don't want me around. Asuka and Misato...they don't need words." He shook his head but at same time he saw man shudder when he said both names.
"Sometimes people doesn't just see what they are doing to others. And when they see they think like you, that its too late, and the person who has been hurt is too angry to forgive. So they let it go. And sometimes denial is just encouragement." Man began to walk away facing his back to Shinji. He took support from wall, and as he walked away he held his right hand over his head and left on the wall.
"Hey...where are you...?" Shinji yelled to after him.
Man only walking. "Before you leave this city, do this. Talk to them who were your friends and who have hurt you, and ask them what they truly want. Then do what seems to be the best. But don't go to Rei...you will see her and her mother later..." Man said and vanished around the corner.
"She doesn't have a mother." Shinji said not wondering where did he knew her.
"Yes she has." Answer came. Again he show something glowing behind the corner.
When it died out and Shinji walked to see what it was, hope of catching a glimpse of him.
Purple headed man was gone.
Shinji began to wonder was his words holding any sense. He rewind whole act and played it again on his head. He began to drift away walking same time.
He was just out of nowhere meet this one, and he had first talked to him like a wanderer. But the he did something which made him afraid. Why would any stranger want him to suffer? He didn't said anything what indicated that he was doing that...what ever it was on the lake just to see him suffer.
And the whole chasing was because he had run away not to even hear what he was about say. Story of his life. Again he thought the words he had spoke. 'Sometimes denial is just an encouragement' Did he meant Asuka? Or just all people?
He somehow felt familiar, but he couldn't recall where. And that was maybe the most uncertain thing why should he trust him.
Then he made a decision. Every time in his life he had escaped because his friend just betrayed him.
But this man hadn't promised anything. So how could he betray him? So he decided to follow his advice.
Toji and Kensuke were gone. He had maybe have courage to face toji if given more time, but both of them were out of his reach.
Rei...He had told that he would meet her later. Actually he wasn't really thrilled to see her...and was afraid that what was about to come.
So all it was left were Asuka and Misato. Two most uncertain facts of his life...Misato was maybe sober enough to hear him but then would she care...but only thing what he could do was try out.
Asuka had changed, in short time that he was almost sure it was just something what was about to pass by. But if it was what stopped him to try out? If she just wanted something she could just tell it over to him.
He practised how would he ask and answer what they would say, or more like he believed them to say. He never had been inside their heads so it was just assuming. When he was happy what his speech, he took a look from around. He estimated that he had been lost in maybe three hours or so, it was mid day. Maybe he would find himself home in night.
Or not.
He was again standing front of his home. watching it from the outside. "How did I...?" He asked from himself. But today was happened so many odd things that he decided not to wonder but face his fears for once more.
He ordered a lift to down and for once more repeated his mantra mustn't run away. When he came to his own floor he took couple steps and breathed deep. Even walk to his door seemed to feel like eternity.
He opened it slowly and walked to inside. "Asuka." He called from the door.
First he was hopeful when no answer came, and then also disappointed.
"In here." Bright voice answered. It was coming from the kitchen.
Shinji jumped a little and then straightened himself putting together all his courage. He began to walk there to find out what would happen next.
Outside of their apartment young purple haired man was looking at the floor where Shinjis home was. He was feeling happy with himself, for once doing something right. And he even wanted to laugh joyfully for long time. But didn't want to ruin everything by letting out some sailor laugh. He grimaced mid of his smile when sea again came to his mind.
Suddenly blown of wind lifted his hair and he could separate blue flash coming from behind him. He knew who was coming.
"You are here again." Sharp woman's voice spoke. "Still beating a dead horse, I see."
"Well, isn't that my favourite people of all. You really are interested my issues." Purple head answered little tougher tone of voice.
"Heh. You have changed, but not too much." Woman said gently.
"Really?" He answered hostile tone. He wasn't actually thrilled to see or actually hear her there.
"Now I began to understand why SHE..." Woman said little louder and purple haired man felt little tremble crawling over his skin, when woman mentioned it again. "Was so attached on you. You are too good for this world." Woman said like she was sorry. "Let it suffer."
"This world hasn't said am I bless or burden." He answered angrily. "They both had suffered more than anyone should, haven't they deserved to be carried?"
"Yes they have. But don't forget that they don't want our kind among them...That was the reason why you didn't told him, wasn't it?" Woman answered.
"He would break up if he knew..." Man answered. "I just want them to have a change."
"You haven't won yet." She snapped and then familiar crackling of energy echoed loud and blue flash filled all surrounding for while. The woman had gone.
"Maybe there is hope..." he said to himself and continued to watch building ahead of him, wondering what was happening inside.
End.
An KnightOne: This was the thing what I'll attach to Deimos king later. By the way that song in the beach was song from Finnish band called Nightwish. Album name is Once and song name is kuolema tekee taiteilian = death makes an artist. It was the whole sing and it even had cello music what fits to evangelion. Those who doesn't know anything about Nightwish should go check out
Purple haired man and that woman behind him aren't ACC's as odd as it may felt, but they are not believe me. By the way I've began to hate this fic. How clear is it;) This is the second fic what I truly hate(and ironically my own), another one...well KnightTwo knows. (R- class fic which is popular)Because he likes that fic and doesn't understand why I don't. Both it and Exodus gives me anger enough to swear storm clouds to hell. Should have let this it be a one shot. Oh, I said it all ready. Be free to feel differently...And still about that purple haired man, if you read Remaking sometime, you will know who he is.
I've spoken.