Total Drama All-Stars Rewritten: Episode 17
RATED TV-14
This episode contains material that may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 14. Viewer discretion is advised.
Balloons of Doom
(Recap)
Chris: Last time on Total Drama All-Stars, the campers really got cooking with Chef leading the pack. Mal was just feeding Scott to Fang on a platter. SHARKBAIT, HOO HA HA! Heh heh heh! I had to. Anyway, there was some trust issues going on between Geoff and Alejandro. And while it looked as if Alejandro was going to sail off into the sunset, it was Scott who was the unluckiest of all after someone tampered with the votes. Can Alejandro regain the trust of his peers to get back at Mal? Can Geoff serve justice for his girl once and for all? How will Courtney prevail without her new dirt-eating boyfriend? Find out this week on TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(Theme song)
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be, now I think the answer is plain to see
I wanna be famous!
I wanna live close to the sun
Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
'Cause I wanna be famous!
Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na-na-na-na
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Whistling)
(later that night, after Mal won invincibility, he sneaks out of the spa hotel with the tampered votes towards the cabin. Unknown to him, Alejandro snuck back to Camp Wawanakwa from Boney Island while no one was looking. Mal sneaks into the cabin and tucks the tampered votes under Alejandro's mattress)
Mal: (acts) Oh, Alejandro! How could you? You bad, son of a (censored)! (he laughs maniacally as he leaves the cabin and heads back to the hotel. Alejandro saw him through the cabin window the whole time!)
Alejandro: Planting the evidence under my mattress eh? Nice try puto. But Alejandro Burromuerto shall not be framed. (he runs inside the cabin undetected and reverse jujitsus Mal's own trick! He places the votes under Mal's mattress! Then he makes a run for it! He hides in the woods where no one can see him)
Alejandro: (confessional) Mal thinks he's so clever. Anything that monstro can do, yours truly can do better. And look better doing it! Ha cha cha cha! (he holds up the DVD showing the evidence on tape) Hola insurance policy.
(on their way back to the cabin, Gwen, Courtney and Geoff are walking together. Courtney is sad that Scott is gone. Gwen comforts her)
Gwen: Aw, it's going to be okay. Scott would want you to keep going.
Courtney: (sad) I know. I miss him so much already! (cries)
(Gwen hugs her)
Geoff: That does it! I'm not taking this lying down, dude!
Gwen: What are you thinking about, Geoff?
Courtney: (stops crying/sniffles) Yeah, you have a plan?
Geoff: Well, my gut says that there's some bad sh-(censored) going on here. And my balls say that we need to seek out the mastermind behind this crime!
Gwen: Your balls can talk?
Geoff: Yeah! They're not part of you, you wouldn't understand.
Gwen: (awkward) Uh…o-kay then.
Courtney: Well Geoff, if what you say is true, then I think someone screwed over the votes and booted my boyfriend instead of Alejandro!
Geoff: Only one way to find out. Check the cabin!
Gwen: Sounds good to me.
Courtney: Yeah, let's do it!
(Brick and Sky come over)
Sky: Hey guys, what's up?
Geoff: Cracking a case. You in?
Brick: (salutes) Sir yes sir!
Sky: I'm in!
(the 5 campers enter the cabin)
Geoff: Okay dudes and babes, we're gonna search this dump high and low! If there really is a sly-ass dog around here, then it's our job to rad 'em out!
Brick: Affirmative! Criminal behavior shall not live on like this!
Geoff: Sweet! Now spread out! Look for anything that seems suspicious!
(the friends search the cabin and come up short)
Brick: Blast! Nothing in this room.
Gwen: No big deal. Try the other room.
(Brick and Sky go to the other cabin room to look. Just when they're about to give up, they find the votes for Scott)
Brick: Aha! Target acquired!
Sky: Holy cow! Someone tampered with the votes! Who's bed is that?
Brick: No idea.
(Geoff, Gwen and Courtney enter the room)
Geoff: Looks like we found one piece to our puzzle. Someone has been screwing up the votes.
Gwen: But who?
Courtney: Only someone with the wits and stealth to pull it off.
Sky: Who do we know who has those skills?
Geoff: It couldn't be Izzy, she's too nice to pull a stunt like that. Not Lightning, he probably couldn't figure it out. That leaves Alejandro and Mal.
Courtney: They're the prime suspects!
Geoff: Then it's settled. We unmask the villain tomorrow.
(the next morning, Lindsay and Sammy are sitting on the porch of the cabin, enjoying each other's company)
Lindsay: It's so great that you're a cheerleader at your school! I'm in cheerleading too!
Sammy: Really? That's cool!
Lindsay: I know right? When we rehearse, I'm always in the middle of the pyramid!
Sammy: I wish I could say the same. My sister Amy is always on top and I'm always on the bottom.
Lindsay: Why is that?
Sammy: Because Amy has always been the pretty one that everyone loves, and I've always been the social outcast that everyone forgets about. When really, she's the (censored) one and I'm the nice one.
Lindsay: Oh my gosh! How can your own sister treat you so bad?
Sammy: It's a long story.
Lindsay: Sounds a lot like the way Heather used to treat me.
Sammy: Yeah. But after Amy got exposed for the (censored) she is on TV, people started coming to me and telling me how wrong they were about Amy being better than me.
Lindsay: Aww! I'm so happy for you! (the girls smile at each other)
(Jasmine comes over with fruit she gathered)
Jasmine: G'day girls! I brought breakfast!
Lindsay: Yay! Blueberries! Thanks!
Sammy: Thanks Jasmine! (they dig in)
Jasmine: No problem! Enjoy! (the girls enjoy their fruit)
(Lightning is out for a jog)
Lightning: Lightning is speed! Faster than fast! Quicker than quick! I am Lightning! Sha-bam! (suddenly, he turns a corner and stumbles upon a bear!) Ahh! Alright bear, prepare to go toe to toe with the Lightning! Sha- (he is about to punch when POW! The bear collapses! Izzy shot a dart at it!)
Izzy: Score! Nice try big guy! You're no match for the E-Scope!
Lightning: What the hell crazy girl! Lightning totally had him!
Izzy: Whoopsie! (laughs) Finders keepers, dude! (she laughs and Lightning growls)
Lightning: (confessional) How did that crazy girl do that? Is she in cahoots with Sky or something? Whatever, doesn't matter! Lightning will dominate everyone! Sha-victory!
Izzy: (confessional) Lightning makes me laugh! He might be big and strong, but if I can beat Chef in wrestling, I can take him on! (laughs)
Chris: (loudspeaker) Good day campers! It's that time once again! Another day, another opportunity for greatness! Meet me at the campfire pit in 10!
(everyone meets up with Chris)
Chris: Welcome! I hope you're all pumped for today's thrilling activity.
Sky: What's the challenge for today?
Chris: Today is a nod to the doom balloons challenge from last season.
Sammy: (confessional) Uh oh…
Sky: Oh gosh…I remember that all too well. I got several bee stings on my ass from that!
Chris: If it'll make you feel any better, given the conditions of my probation, all the stuff that was in the balloons last time, like itching powder, spiders, bees, bird sh-(censored)…
Gwen: Whoa, time out! Did you say bees and spiders in the balloons? Damn! You're one shallow bastard, McLean.
Lindsay: (confessional) I don't know about this! Bees? Spiders? Bird crap? F-(censored) it! I'm out!
Chris: Ahem, I wasn't done!
Gwen: (sarcastic) Sorry.
Chris: As I was saying, given the conditions of my probation, the network informed me that dumping all that crap onto people was deemed too unsafe to show on TV. So instead, the balloons are loaded with stuff that won't hurt you. Like powdered sugar, flour, paint, water, condiments, sauces, you name it.
Everyone: Phew!
Chris: Still a surprise though. Heh heh heh! It just won't be, you know, excruciating.
(Courtney starts getting an uneasy feeling in her stomach)
Gwen: Courtney? Are you okay?
Courtney: I'm fine, it could be just cramps. (confessional) Or it could be from the ice cream I ate yesterday. I'm lactose intolerant, remember? But I couldn't afford to lose, so I had to eat it.
Chris: So, if you get hit with any balloon contents, you're out. Regardless if the balloons are thrown, dropped, launched, whatever. Oh, and I know you guys have your alliances and all, but this challenge is every camper for themselves. You travel alone. Not in groups. The last player standing will win invincibility. All clear?
(Everyone nods)
Chris: Great! Now, in the woods, you'll find a crate where the balloons are waiting. Grab as many as you can. I'll come on the loudspeaker to give you the signal to start the game.
Geoff: Question bro! What if we run out of balloons?
Chris: If you run out of balloons, go back to the crate and get more. Now, off you go! (everyone heads for the woods)
Geoff: (confessional) Whatever happens, Alejandro must lose this challenge! He must have been the vote rigger! You've seen how crafty he is! Once he's gone, justice will be served!
Alejandro: (confessional) Whatever happens, Mal must lose this challenge! I saw what he tried to pull! Making it appear as if I tampered with the votes. Child's play. I have a DVD full of truth-revealing footage right here. (he shows the DVD) If I win, I will hide it somewhere in the hotel. And when the timing is right, AUGE! I will expose that phony or my name isn't Alejandro Burromuerto!
Mal: (confessional) I really need to win this challenge. Now that Scott is gone, I can focus on getting rid of my biggest threat, Alejandro. He's all over my ass. Which is why I sent him to Boney Island. He'll be out of my hair in no time.
(Everyone has gathered as many balloons as they could hold and go in different directions)
Chris: (loudspeaker) Everybody ready? GO!
(Brick has separated himself from the others. He hides in a bush)
Brick: (confessional) Back in cadets, we never go anywhere without our battle buddy. A good soldier never leaves a man behind. But since this is a solo challenge, I'm afraid I'm left with no choice but to travel without Sky.
(Sammy is sneaking about on her own, wary of her surroundings. Suddenly, she hears something! She takes careful aim and throws a balloon at her target! She missed!)
Lindsay: AHHHHH! Balloon attack!
Sammy: Lindsay?
Lindsay: Oh! Sammy! Hi! Bagged anybody yet?
Sammy: Not really. Oh, I wish we could partner up! But Chris said no partners in this challenge!
Lindsay: Seriously? Bummer! It would be awesome to hunt together with my new BFF!
Sammy: (smiles big) Me? Your BFF?
Lindsay: Of course! (they smile at each other until they hear something! It's Lightning! Sammy hides and Lindsay throws her balloons at Lightning, hitting him! He gets caked in flour!)
Lightning: AAHHHHH! LIGHTNING'S BEEN HIT! AAAAHHHH-CHOO! AAAHHHHH-CHOO! AAAAHHHHH-CHOO!
(Lindsay and Sammy laugh at Lightning!)
Lightning: Dammit Lindsay! Lightning will have his revenge! He will!
Lindsay: Aww, I can't wait Thunder! Uh, I mean, Lightning! (she blows a kiss to him)
Lightning: (confessional) First Sky, then Izzy, now Lindsay! What's with these girls keep beating me?! If they beat me one more time, they gonna get struck by Lightning! AAAHHHHH-CHOO!
Lindsay: (confessional/laughing) I can't contain myself, Lightning cracks me up! And he's graceful and handsome too! (sighs dreamily)
Chris: Looks like our players are enjoying themselves so far! Who's got the stealthy edge and who's gonna join Lightning as a walking cake? Heh heh heh! Stay tuned for more mayhem when we come back.
(Commercial break)
(Jasmine is stealthily and quietly maneuvering through the trees above the ground. She keeps a sharp lookout for her opponents. Then she spots Alejandro. She throws a balloon at him, but misses)
Alejandro: Such a stealthy move from such a tough woman. But I shall not go down without a fight. (Jasmine throws more balloons at Alejandro, but he dodges them all with style! He disappears into the woods)
Jasmine: Crap! (confessional) Alejandro really does have moves. But he's no Shawn.
Alejandro: (confessional) Jasmine is a very masterful adversary. But even she is no match for my evasive stunts. They are honed like a spride jungle cat!
(After Alejandro lost Jasmine, he comes face to face with Mal!)
Mal: (smug) Better watch your step pal. Or is it Al?
Alejandro: (standing no nonsense) Big talk coming from the bastard who (censored) with the votes.
Mal: So what? Who's gonna believe you? The most manipulative player in Total Drama history.
Alejandro: That is true. Being trustworthy is not my specialty. Which is why I have procured a DVD full of footage of you at your sh-(censored)! Your days here are numbered pal! Or should I say, Mal!
(Mal and Alejandro glare at each other and stand-off! They throw their balloons at each other! They dodge left and right until…POW! Mal got hit and doused in chocolate fudge!)
Mal: (angry) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)!
Alejandro: (smug) Another shrimp on the barbie. (he leaves feeling proud) (confessional) I cannot let the million fall into his fiendish hands.
(Courtney is really feeling nauseous. She sits down to rest)
Courtney: (straining) Ehh…my stomach! (suddenly, someone comes through the bushes towards her! It's Gwen!)
Gwen: Courtney!
Courtney: (straining) Gwen…ehhh…take me out. I…surrender.
Gwen: But, I can't do that! You're my friend!
Courtney: Just do it!
Gwen: Oh…fine! (she throws a balloon at Courtney, dousing her in mustard)
Courtney: Mustard? I am so taking a shower after this.
Gwen: Yeah, you do that. (suddenly, she gets hit with a balloon from behind by Alejandro! She gets doused in ketchup!) Ehhh! Ketchup? Make that 2 showers!
Alejandro: (confessional) Sorry Gwen, but this challenge is mine.
(Meanwhile, Brick is still hiding in a bush. He looks around to see if the coast is clear)
Brick: All clear! Move out! (he comes out of hiding and runs into Sky)
Sky: (smiles) Oh, it's you! Hi!
Brick: (salutes) Greetings battle buddy! (Sky smiles at him)
Sky: (confessional) I love that Brick calls me his battle buddy. Which, we are! When he and I are working together in challenges, we're a brute force! It just sucks that this challenge is every camper for themselves. But what choice do we have? We just gotta roll with the punches.
Brick: (confessional) Sky and I make a great team. A dynamic duo. But this challenge goes against the cadet code, never leave a man behind. That's what earned me the teamwork medal 3 years in a row. And when I returned to base after Revenge of the Island, I worked my butt off to increase my rank from Private to Sergeant. My Drill Sergeant said I worked harder than everyone else in my platoon, and said that I would become a 5-star General someday. I owe all my success to him.
(suddenly, they hear something)
Brick: Enemy in sight!
Sky: Take aim! (before they could do anything, Alejandro splatters them with balloons filled with paint!)
Sky: Paint?
Brick: Disgusting!
Alejandro: (smug) Well, you're no pretty picture.
Sky: Oh shut up.
Alejandro: You win some, you lose some! (he leaves)
(Lindsay is still traveling with Sammy)
Lindsay: (confessional) I don't care if it's every camper for themselves! I'll travel with Sammy if I want to!
(Izzy spots the girls)
Izzy: (confessional) Lindsay is my pal! But I'm afraid I have no choice!
Izzy: Surprise! (she throws her balloons at them, dousing them in relish!)
Lindsay: Not my makeup! I spent forever on that!
Sammy: Yuck! I'm not ready to be turned into a hot dog!
Izzy: Bye! Don't forget to write! (she disappears into the trees)
Lindsay: Write what?
(Geoff is tiptoeing through the woods when he sees Alejandro! Alejandro spots him and they stare each other down!)
Geoff: We meet again, Al!
Alejandro: Again and always.
Geoff: Sheesh, just the sight of you offends me!
Alejandro: Then your demise will be swift.
(they throw balloons at each other! Alejandro dodges all of Geoff's balloons and Geoff gets hit! He gets doused in pasta sauce!)
Geoff: MOTHERF-(censored)! (confessional) This isn't over! I will avenge my girl! I will!
Alejandro: (confessional) His wish shall remain unfulfilled. For he cannot hope to defeat me. Right now my greatest threat is Mal. Since he is out of this challenge, it's time for me to complete my mission, hide the DVD in the hotel.
(Izzy is out on her own, starting to get bored)
Izzy: I think my ol' pal Explosivo needs a bigger BOOM BOOM than just dousing balloons with stuff in them! (Spanish voice) What can Explosivo blow? (she spots a familiar building in the distance, Playa des Losers) Olé! (as she makes her way to the building, Jasmine throws a balloon at her! It douses her with tartar sauce!)
Jasmine: Bullseye!
Izzy: Aww, tartar sauce! Oh well! Explosivo has a date with BOOM BOOM! (she heads off for Playa des Losers. That leaves Alejandro and Jasmine who are left in the challenge)
Jasmine: (confessional) I think Alejandro might be the last person left. I'll show him who's boss!
Alejandro: (confessional) One target left…Jasmine.
(Alejandro and Jasmine wander about in the woods until, they come face to face again!)
Jasmine: Alejandro!
Alejandro: Jasmine!
Jasmine: I won't let you win! I'm gonna kick your Spanish ass!
Alejandro: You are delusional.
Jasmine: (triggered) WHAT? Oh, that does it! You're mine!
(they throw balloons at each other with everything they've got! They dodge every shot until, they're down to one last balloon each! Alejandro throws his and Jasmine throws hers! Finally, Jasmine gets hit! She gets splattered with salad dressing!)
Jasmine: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chris: (loudspeaker) Game over! Alejandro wins the challenge!
Alejandro: (smug) An obvious result. (Jasmine glares at him)
(A few minutes later, everyone meets up with Chris at the fire pit)
Chris: Well, what a day, eh? You all look like you could be baked into Chef's pie! Heh heh heh!
Gwen: (sarcastic) Yeah yeah, laugh it up.
Chris: Wait a minute…where's Izzy? (suddenly, KA-BOOM! A massive explosion broke the silence! Thick, black smoke rose into the air!)
Courtney: Oh my goodness! What was that?
(Chris looks through his binoculars. Then he gasps!)
Chris: (mortified) MYYYYYY COOOOOTTTAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE! (cries hysterically)
Courtney: (looks through the binoculars) You call that a cottage? It was a mansion! Wait, isn't that Playa des Losers? You live there now?
Chris: (sad) I…used to…until…now…
(Izzy is laughing maniacally)
Izzy: Explosivo is loco for BOOM BOOM!
Chris: (sad) So…many…portraits…of me…gone! All…all gone.
Chef: We can build you another cottage.
Courtney: That was no cottage!
Gwen: More like a 5-star resort.
Chris: (sad) As I was saying, Alejandro wins invincibility. The spa hotel is yours.
Alejandro: (smug) Of course it is.
Chris: (sad) For the rest of you, it's time to hit the voting booth.
Lindsay: (confessional) Izzy is totally crazy for blowing up Chris's mansion! Er, I mean cottage.
Sky: (confessional) Is Izzy high or something? What kind of drugs is she on? Someone could have gotten hurt in that blast!
Lightning: (confessional) Glad it wasn't my place that got blown up! Lightning would have been devastated!
Mal: (confessional) I wish I had done something as destructive as that. Izzy is speaking my language.
(in Mike's subconscious)
Mike: (looks at Mal's ID) Mal is the original personality? I can't believe it!
Chester: Me neither! Why have I been listening to your ass this whole time?
Svetlana: Shut up you! Who gives a (censored) about who was the original? Mike is the best! He's more patient than me! More generous than Chester! Less egotistical than Manitoba! And he's a better dancer than Vito!
Vito: (offended) Woah! Hey! Ay yo! (sighs) It's true.
Mike: Aw thanks. But if I'm not the original...
Manitoba: (interrupting) Eh, go on ya silly dingo! Think about it! We're trapped in a world Mal created. So where do you think that license came from? (the wallet is really a piece of brains!)
Mike: Yuck! Nice try Mal! You might have won this battle, but we will win the war! (like clay, Mike makes a key out of the brains in his hands! With it, he frees Manitoba!)
Manitoba: Took ya long enough! Come on! I know a shortcut to Mal's HQ! This whole place is a prison! The HQ tower is the only way in or out!
Mike: Then let's get over there! We were on our way there anyway!
(everyone follows Manitoba, except Chester)
Chester: I'm tired of all the damn walking. My feet ache!
Mike: Fine, hop on.
(Chester hops on top of Mike)
Chester: Giddyup slowpoke!
(that night, everyone is at the elimination ceremony)
Chris: (sad) Good news, tonight, there will be no Boney Island for any of you. (everyone cheers) Do you know how many statues of me were lost in that explosion? 5!
Courtney: (impatient) Just get on with it, will ya?!
Chris: (sighs) Fine. Now, before you go vote, I have a special surprise for Boom Boom over here!
Izzy: (laughs wildly) BOOM BOOM!
(that's when the RCMP arrives! Officers surround Izzy and a helicopter hovers above)
Officers: Izzy, you're under arrest for the destruction of a private cottage!
Courtney: Oh for the love of…IT WAS NOT A COTTAGE! UGHHHH!
Lindsay: Aw, Izzy! I'm sorry you got arrested again! I'll miss you!
Izzy: I'll miss you too! I might send you a postcard from my cell in juvie!
Chris: Juvie? You destroyed a major piece of property! It's a big girl jail for you! And it's gonna be a real slammer! Heh heh heh heh heh!
Izzy: (smug) Oh really? Tag! You're it! (she makes a run for it!) YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! (she runs away laughing wildly! The police chase her off the island! Everyone is confused)
Sammy: (confessional) That girl is totally crazy!
Jasmine: (confessional) Crikey! She's a wild one she is!
Chris: (shouts to the officers) Don't let her get away! (to the others) Alright then, it's voting time!
Geoff: (confessional) Since the snake Alejandro is invincible, I guess there's no other choice but that Mal guy.
Alejandro: (confessional) Mal, your tyranny ends NOW!
(the others cast their votes)
Chris: (reads the votes) Okay, the following players are safe. (he hands out marshmallows) Samey, Sky, Lindsay, Brick, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Lightning. (Mal and Jasmine are left) And the final marshmallow goes to… (they glare at each other as they wait) Jasmine.
Mal: WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE! (he growls viciously and Alejandro grins evilly) This isn't the end, Total Drama peons! I will be back!
Alejandro: (smug) Adios, (censored).
Chris: Calm yourself. Since Izzy the destroyer is gone, Mal gets another stay of competing! So Mal is still in the game! Psyche!
(Mal forgets about being angry and grins evilly. The others are nervous, except Alejandro. He glares viciously at him)
Alejandro: (confessional) At least I won the challenge so I can hide the evidence in the hotel. Mal can try to fight, but he will fall.
Chris: Only 11 players to go! Will Geoff triumph over Alejandro? Will Alejandro triumph over Mal? Or will Mal triumph over all? Find out next time on an all-new episode of…TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS! Now, where the hell am I gonna stay?! I got no cottage now! Chris McLean is NOT a hobo!
(credits)
ELIMINATION ORDER
PRE-MERGE
24th: Sugar
23rd: Max
22nd: Jo
21st: Sierra
20th: Owen
19th: Cameron
18th: Heather
17th: Shawn
16th: Scarlett
POST-MERGE
15th: Zoey
14th: Duncan
13th: Scott
12th: Izzy