Total Drama All-Stars Rewritten: Episode 27
RATED TV-14
This episode contains material that may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 14. Viewer discretion is advised.
Wawanakwa's Animal Kingdom
(Recap)
Chris: Last time on Total Drama All-Stars, the 5 remaining campers went on a slippery, saucy, sundae shopping spree with extra are you nuts! Courtney was as solitary as a great white as she collided with Mal head on today, leaving Lindsay, Brick and Sky to take him out like a Wolfpack. Despite Mal's dirty trick, Courtney prevailed and the interns liked her sundae most of all, scoring her the win and a free movie night at the spa hotel. We're still down to the final 5. But not for long! Who's going home next? Who's winning another night of luxury goodness? I mean, I hate it there, but it's good enough for them! Anywho, find out right here, right now on…TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(Theme song)
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be, now I think the answer is plain to see
I wanna be famous!
I wanna live close to the sun
Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
'Cause I wanna be famous!
Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na-na-na-na
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Whistling)
(the following morning, Courtney is in the spa hotel having a 5 star breakfast. She is eating happily)
Courtney: Mmm! These eggs and bacon are amazing! I can never get enough of these. And the OJ is just…perfect. (confessional) How could Chris not thrive in the spa hotel? I heard what he said about the soap and bed sheets. Sheesh, what a spoiled brat!
(Courtney goes over to the masseuse for a massage)
Courtney: (to an intern) I'd like a massage, if you don't mind. (she lays down and the intern massages her) Ahhh. A little lower. Right there! Ahhh.
(Meanwhile, Lindsay, Brick and Sky are sitting on the porch of the cabin. Mal is somewhere else)
Lindsay: I can't believe we're so close to the end!
Sky: Me neither! Where did the season go?
Brick: We blinked and here we are, in the final 5! I am most proud of myself for making it this far on Total Drama. I didn't even reach the merge in season 4.
Sky: Aw, that's unfortunate. What happened?
Brick: Jo. That's what.
Sky: Oh. Yeah, I don't like her.
Lindsay: She was a big meanie!
Brick: Uh…yeah. Now, operation defeat Mal was a bit of a misfire last time because it was a reward challenge. I hope today is an elimination challenge so we can send his ass out of our hair for good!
Sky: I agree!
Lindsay: Me too! (they all high five each other)
Brick: (confessional) We must not show any weakness or anything else that would make us appear vulnerable. If we do, Mal will seize the opportunity and he could vote one of us off next! The enemy is always opportunistic. So rule number 1…never give him a target under any circumstances. Be active and alert at all times. If your guard is let down for even a second, you could lose your life.
Sky: (confessional) I think I have a good chance of winning back to back! That's not me bragging, that's me believing. That's me believing in myself. And trust me, you ask any Olympian who's ever won a medal, anyone who's ever been a champion, they believe too. I'm not here to lose.
Lindsay: (confessional) I still can't believe I'm in the final 5! And so many people told me I would never accomplish anything! If I make it to the finale and win, that'll shut them up!
Mal: (confessional) I may not have won, but the fact that the challenge didn't end in an elimination meant I was spared. I mustn't let any of those nitwits interfere with my plans. Only 4 more losers to go.
(in Mike's subconscious, Mike and his personalities are still climbing up the spiral staircase to the top of the tower)
Mike: This is taking forever! How much longer?
Manitoba: We still got another 63 floors to go.
Mike: Ugh! My feet are killing me!
Vito: And I'm bored! I wanna hit a club or something!
Mike: I promise after we beat Mal, we can hit a club or something to celebrate.
Vito: That's more like it!
(Chester is sleeping as Mike is carrying him. They continue going up the stairs)
(Meanwhile, Courtney emerges from the hotel. She is happy after she got a massage. Mal joins the others, not like he cares)
Courtney: (stretches) Ahhh. That felt good.
Sky: Morning Courtney, how was the spa?
Courtney: Great! The movie theater in there is awesome! It has a 70 inch plasma screen with 6 speaker surround sound! It even has CD, DVD, PlayStation, Netflix, the whole 9 yards!
Sky: Wow!
Courtney: And the masseuse, where do I even begin?
Sky: It's awesome, huh?
Courtney: Yep!
Lindsay: I wonder what our challenge will be today?
Brick: Yes, where's Chris?
(Chris appears before them)
Chris: Right here! Good morning campers! Ready for today's challenge?
Lindsay: I'm ready!
Sky: What are we doing today?
Chris: I'll get to that in a second. There are only 5 of you left! And after tonight's bonfire ceremony, there will be 4 of you.
Courtney: So today is an elimination challenge.
Chris: Exactamondo, groovy cats! Now, today's challenge is a recreation of the animal hunting challenge from season 1. Where you have 8 hours to capture an exotic animal inhabiting the island and bring it back to the campfire pit unharmed. So get your game warden on people!
Sky: (confessional) Hunting for animals? Wild ones? That could be tough. But I have to try!
Mal: (confessional) I could easily train my animal into thinking just like me. Time to pick off the peons.
Chris: While today may be an elimination challenge, the person who comes in first will win invincibility and a deluxe dinner with food of your choice! How's that for a reward?
(everyone cheers)
Lindsay: (confessional) A deluxe dinner? That sounds yummy! My concern is for the animals! We're not going to kill them afterwards, are we?
Brick: (confessional) During my time training as a military cadet, we learned how to defend ourselves against all comers. Whether it be enemy troops or wildlife indigenous to the region we visit. I can handle whatever nature throws at me.
Courtney: (confessional) This shouldn't be too tough. I bonded with my shark in the animal buddy challenge from TDA. Well, kind of. But still, I'm confident about my chances here.
(Later, everyone meets Chris outside the boathouse)
Chris: Okay everyone, choose an animal assignment! (the campers draw cards out of the hat)
Brick: Moose. Moose?!
Sky: Skunk? Oh dear God…
Mal: Wolf. Excellent.
Lindsay: Snake? (gulps nervously)
Courtney: Jaguar?! What kind of choices are these?!
Chris: I kinda wanted to change it up a bit, and make it a little more challenging than last time.
Courtney: But these animals are aggressive and dangerous! And jaguars don't even live in Canada!
Chris: We had our game wardens bring the big cats here from South America. We did the same thing last season with the lions.
Sky: (sarcastic) Yeah, don't remind me.
Lindsay: I don't know if I can do this…
Chris: Well, loser cleans the communal washrooms. (everyone gasps) Which is why I'm giving you all one minute in the boathouse to grab your hunting gear that will help you bag your animal. Starting...now!
(The 5 campers enter the boathouse, digging through boxes and barrels to see what they can find)
Lindsay: Hmm…(she finds an empty box) Perfect!
Sky: How to catch a skunk…hmm…I'll definitely need a face mask and, let's see…(she digs through a box of supplies) Yes! Cologne! Just in case.
Mal: Catching a carnivore like a wolf is easy. They're opportunistic, so just tempt them with a scrap of meat. Right? Right. (he looks around and finds a carcass) Perfect. (snickers evilly)
(Brick finds a rope and lasso)
Brick: Not exactly what I had in mind, but it'll do.
Sky: You're going to trap a moose with a lasso?
Brick: Affirmative! Kind of like a bull at a rodeo.
Sky: Nice! Improvising, I love it! (confessional) That's my Brick!
(Courtney is struggling to find things to catch a jaguar)
Courtney: I can't seem to find anything in all this crap!
Chris: 10 seconds left!
Courtney: Wait! I'm not ready yet! (she finds a giant net/sarcastic) Oh gee, a net. What a lovely choice. I'll see what it's worth down at the pawn shop.
Mal: Heh, that'll never hold a jaguar.
Courtney: Is there any more meat around?
Mal: Sucks to be you, sucker! (snickers evilly)
Chris: Everyone ready?
Everyone: Yes!
Chris: Game on!
(Everyone runs off to find their animals, except Courtney. She is still searching for materials.)
Courtney: (confessional) If there was another piece of meat in there, I could totally lure the jaguar back to camp! But what good is a net gonna do me?
Lindsay: Hey Courtney, need a hand?
Courtney: No thanks! I got no time for your games! I have an animal to catch! And so do you! Now go! Be off with you!
Lindsay: Okay, if that's how you want to play. (confessional) Courtney and I don't really see eye to eye, but if it's either her or that Mal guy, who would you trust?
(Mal is out in the woods looking for wolves. Then, he sees one)
Mal: Aha. Hey buddy! Hey boy! You hungry? (he dangles the meat in front of the wolf) That's right! Come get your dinner! (suddenly, the rest of the pack comes out! They howl all in unison!) Oh, I see! You brought friends for the feast! How convenient! (confessional) Of course I knew the rest of the pack would show up. Wolves are pack animals. And their behavior isn't too far off from that of a domesticated dog. They're both canines. And they share 99% of their DNA. (the wolves' howling can be heard in the background) Gotta run.
(Lindsay is out looking for snakes. She is nervous)
Lindsay: (confessional) I hope the snake I'm looking for is a cute little one! Not those big ones with venom or the ones that hug you to death! Is it true that snakes swallow things whole? Or is that an urban myth?
(When Lindsay looks, she spots her snake. However, the snake is too big to handle! It's a green anaconda! Lindsay gulps nervously)
Lindsay: (nervous) Uh…hello! (the snake hisses at her) I don't mean you any harm! I just want to uh…(suddenly, the snake bites her arm!) OW! (as she tries to pull her arm out of the snake's mouth, the snake's backward curved teeth dig in deeper and the snake bites down harder!) Come on, let go! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Courtney is treading carefully, nervous about the jaguar)
Courtney: This is gonna be a bloodbath. (suddenly, she trips over a root and tumbles down a hill!) Ow! (suddenly, she gasps! She is face to face with a sleeping black jaguar! As she looks around, there is a whole pack of sleeping black jaguars! She turns white as a sheet as she starts tiptoeing away, careful not to wake up the big cats!)
Courtney: (whispers) Okay, I need to rethink this! (Once the jaguars were out of her sight, she runs away!) (confessional) Chris said we have 8 hours. That's plenty of time! But I gotta get myself straightened out if I want to win this! I am NOT cleaning the loathsome washrooms! It's gross, unsanitary, and completely undignified! And this outhouse is nasty enough as it is!
(Brick is on his whereabouts when he spots a solitary bull moose grazing)
Brick: (confessional) Moose can be very aggressive if provoked or if you come between a mother and her young. In North America alone, more people are attacked by moose than by bears or wolves. If I had a moose calling horn, that would help a lot. But I don't have one, so I'll have to resort to the lasso.
(slowly and carefully, Brick approaches the moose, with the lasso in his hand. Suddenly, the moose turns his attention to Brick and runs away! Brick runs after the moose)
Brick: (confessional) That didn't go as I had planned.
(Meanwhile, Sky is hunting for skunks)
Sky: (confessional) Well, there's one way you can find a skunk. Sniff the air to see if you can smell its stench. I do have a face mask just in case. And if I do get sprayed, I have some cologne that cut through the skunk stink.
(Sky keeps looking and then, she smells something foul! She found a skunk hole and holds her nose)
Sky: P.U! I found my target alright! Now, how do I lure the skunk back to camp? Hmm…I know! (She goes over to a blueberry bush and gathers some berries. She puts her mask over her nose and mouth and holds out the berries) Hey buddy! Hey skunk! Want some berries? (the skunk is tempted by the berries and starts to follow Sky) So far so good.
(Mal is still tempting the wolf pack with the meat, careful not to be ambushed by the pack)
Mal: Come and get it! (snickers) (then, the lead wolf grabs the meat and it's a tug-of-war between Mal and the wolf! Courtney runs past the commotion so she can regroup for catching her jaguar)
(Commercial break)
(Meanwhile, Lindsay is still struggling with her anaconda, as the snake is still biting her arm! She is finally able to free her arm from the snake's mouth, but she is bleeding from the bite marks)
Lindsay: Oh my gosh! Bad snake! (Then, the snake bites her again and this time, it starts to coil around Lindsay's body! Then it ties itself in a knot! Squeezing tighter and tighter! Lindsay's left arm is coiled by the snake, while her right arm is free. She struggles to get free, but each time she struggles, the anaconda squeezes her even tighter!)
Lindsay: (confessional) I literally thought I was going to die because of a killer hug! Normally I love hugs! But not when you're being coiled by a giant snake!
(Brick is chasing after his moose with his lasso when suddenly, the moose turns and faces Brick! It charges straight towards him!)
Brick: Uh oh. (he runs away and the moose charges!)
(Courtney is at the campground, rethinking her strategy)
Courtney: How the hell am I supposed to catch just one jaguar out of a whole pack?
Mal: Try opening the damn cage! (he is approaching the campground with the lead wolf of the wolf pack. Courtney opens the cage and Mal lures his wolf into the cage) Too easy. (snickers evilly)
Courtney: (sarcastic) Congratulations. (confessional) Dammit! Why him of all people!
Brick: Open the cage! (he is running with his moose charging behind him! Courtney opens the cage and Brick lures the moose into the cage) Phew! That didn't exactly go according to plan, but I did it.
Courtney: I hate to break it to you soldier, but Mal won.
Brick: What?
Mal: Tough luck, cadet. (snickers) Where's my dinner?
Chris: (loudspeaker) Remember, last camper to catch their critter cleans the communal washrooms!
Courtney: That is so not going to be me! (she runs back to find the jaguar pack)
Mal: (confessional) Hmm…I have nothing better to do other than enjoy my reward dinner. I think it's time for a little fun. (snickers evilly)
(Sky is easily tempting her skunk with berries as she heads toward the campground)
Sky: We're doing great! (Mal is hiding out of sight, devising a nasty plan)
(Lindsay is still tied up in the anaconda's coils. She is slowly trying to walk her way towards camp)
Lindsay: Please let go! I can't breathe! (Mal hides behind a bush and watches)
Mal: (to himself) Looks like she's pretty screwed already.
(Courtney made it back to the jaguar pack. The big cats are still sleeping. Courtney moves slowly and quietly so she won't wake them up. Suddenly, Mal appears in front of her!)
Courtney: (whispers) You! (Mal blows up a balloon and pulls out a sharp needle! He threatens to pop it!) Oh no! No! Please no! Don't! (then, KA-POW! He pops the balloon! To Courtney's surprise, this doesn't wake the jaguars!)
Courtney: Phew! (That wakes the jaguars! They snarl and growl at her!)
Mal: Nice knowing ya, cat food! (he leaves)
Courtney: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (she runs away and the jaguars chase her! They roar and growl behind her!) I HATE YOU MAL! (confessional) How were they not awakened by the balloon popping? You never see that on Animal Planet!
(as Lindsay is slowly making her way toward the campground, Courtney runs by her with the jaguars hot on her tail!)
Courtney: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lindsay: Courtney! Wait up! (she tries to move faster to catch up to Courtney, but the anaconda has a tight squeeze on her!)
(Sky is still luring her skunk to camp with blueberries when, she hears Courtney screaming and the jaguars roaring!)
Courtney: (running) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (she runs past Sky, followed by the jaguars! This startles the skunk and then, it sprays Sky!)
Sky: NOOOOOOOOOO! (censored) (censored)! Oh my God, that is so bad! Ugh!
(Mal made it back to the campground just in time for his reward dinner)
Chris: Congrats Mal, you won the reward dinner! And you'll get to enjoy luxury tonight.
Mal: Yeah yeah. Just bring me my food.
(Courtney comes running towards the campground)
Courtney: CHRIS! OPEN THE CAGE! (Chris goes over to the cage and opens it, and Courtney comes running being chased by the jaguars! They chase her all around the campfire area! Just as Mal is about to eat, the jaguars burst right through the table! Courtney jumps on top of the cage and is able to lure some of the jaguars into the cage!) Phew! (Chris uses a tranquilizer gun to tranquilize the other jaguars and they pass out) Thank goodness!
Chris: Quite a predicament eh? Heh heh heh!
Courtney: (stern) Not…a word.
(Sky comes running with her skunk. She smells horrible)
Sky: Open up! (Everyone holds their noses as Sky arrives with her skunk. Chris opens the cage and the skunk goes in)
Chris: (holding his nose) Ugh! Nasty! That's the kind of stink that never comes out!
Sky: I'm going to take a shower. And I have some cologne that's strong enough to cut through this dreadful odor.
Chris: (holding his nose) You go do that! P.U! That's like rotten eggs to the power of 10!
(Mal grins evilly at Sky as he holds his nose. Sky glares at Mal)
(It took a long time, but finally Lindsay made it back to camp. Chris opens the cage and Lindsay tries to get free of the anaconda)
Lindsay: Am I too late?
Chris: 'fraid so.
Lindsay: Aw crap! I don't wanna clean those nasty washrooms!
Chris: Sorry, you came in last, so…you got cleaning duties. But first, let's get that snake off of you. (he grabs the snake by the tail and starts to uncoil it. He uncoils the snake all the way until he reaches the snake's head, where it is still biting Lindsay's arm. Chris pushes Lindsay's arm deeper into the snake's mouth to unhook the teeth and pry's its mouth open so Lindsay is free. She is still bleeding from the snake bites) Okay, head over to the infirmary and Chef will treat your injuries.
Lindsay: (confessional) Ugh! I don't want to clean the washrooms! Gross!
(that evening, the 5 campers are taking showers and treating their injuries from their animal encounters. After Sky stepped out of the shower, she uses her potent cologne to ward off the skunk stink. And it works!)
Sky: (sniffs) Hey! I don't smell bad anymore!
(Brick steps in and he is about to take a shower)
Brick: (salutes) Battle buddy! Sorry you got the bad end of a skunk today.
Sky: It's okay. Thankfully I have this strong cologne that cut through the stink and now I don't stink anymore.
Brick: That's a relief.
Sky: So it's too bad we can't vote Mal off tonight!
Brick: Who could we vote instead?
Sky: I don't know. It's so tough.
(Lindsay steps out of the infirmary, with bandages covering the wounds where the anaconda bit her)
Lindsay: (confessional) I hope I never have to handle another snake again!
Courtney: (confessional) Mal is so going to pay for what he did to me with those jaguars! He can go (censored) himself for all I care! Ugh!
(that night at the elimination ceremony)
Chris: What a day it's been huh? You all got to get up close and personal with nature's creatures! (sings) This animal is a friend of mine, from the tip of his nose to his funny behind! All the friends who we met today are special in their own way! We've all got different names, but we're really all the same! Thanks for dropping by, we're glad you ca-ame! These animals are friends of mine, they jump and swim, crawl, fly and climb! One more thing we have to say, (with Chef) Go make an animal friend today! Yeah!
(the campers stare at them like, what?)
Chris: Yeah, I don't get paid to write this show. Anywho, Mal won the challenge and the reward, so he gets the first marshmallow of invincibility. (he gets his marshmallow and sneers at the others. They glare at him) Next, Brick. (Sky, Courtney and Lindsay are left) Lindsay.
Lindsay: Phew!
Chris: 1 marshmallow, 2 players. Courtney, Sky, one of you has spent your last night here. (Sky and Courtney are nervous) the final marshmallow goes to…(Courtney and Sky wait anxiously) Courtney.
Courtney: Phew.
Sky: (shocked) What?! Me? Why me?
Mal: (evilly) So long, stinker! (snickers)
Brick: (stands up) I shall not allow this! It will be me who will be eliminated! Not my battle buddy!
Chris: Sorry dude, the voting is final. Sky is going home.
(Sky droops her head sadly. Then, she glares at Mal. She walks the dock of shame)
Brick: (salutes) You played an outstanding game. It has been an honor serving with you.
(Sky hugs Brick tightly and kisses him on the lips!)
Sky: Oh Brick! I'm going to miss you! Very much! I'm honored to be your battle buddy! Through thick and thin!
Brick: (salutes) Semper fi. (Sky salutes back. Then she boards the boat of losers with a smile. She waves goodbye to everyone)
Mal: (confessional) Who knew that could be so easy? Oh, this is just getting easier and easier. (snickers evilly)
Chris: And with that, we're down to 4! Tune in next time to see who will move on and who will walk the dock of shame next, right here on TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(epilogue)
(Lindsay is cleaning the loathsome washrooms. She gags at the stench. Luckily Brick is there to help)
Lindsay: These sinks are so gross!
Brick: This is what we cadets go through. Having to clean things with a toothbrush.
Lindsay: I would never make it through basic training! Too excruciating!
Brick: It isn't for everyone.
Lindsay: Yeah. Sorry about your battle buddy. You guys were so cute together!
Brick: Thanks. Sorry you got bitten by a snake. You doing okay?
Lindsay: I'm fine, except for my arm. It still stings a little. Brick: Just hang in there, you'll be fine. And we can still keep our alliance together to take down the likes of Mal.
Lindsay: Deal! (Brick helps her clean the washrooms until they're clean)
(credits)
ELIMINATION ORDER
PRE-MERGE
24th: Sugar
23rd: Max
22nd: Jo
21st: Sierra
20th: Owen
19th: Cameron
18th: Heather
17th: Shawn
16th: Scarlett
POST-MERGE
15th: Zoey
14th: Duncan
13th: Scott
12th: Izzy
11th: Alejandro
10th: Gwen
9th: Geoff
8th: Sammy
7th: Lightning
6th: Jasmine
5th: Sky