Chapter 3: Make it stop

Day 2, 12:56 pm

Chase was in the operating room and Jack stood in the waiting room deep in thought.

"Dad" He heard Kim's voice and turned.

She ran to him and hugged him; his little girl, the love of his life. But she wasn't his helpless little girl any more and he had to face that fact. At 20 years of age she was a grown woman. Frankly, she was too grown up for her 20 years. She had grown up too quickly, had too much pain, seen too much violence. Jack wished he could take it all back; give her back her childhood. He had missed so much of her childhood, so many important events. When he left for Kosovo, he feared he would never see Kim or Teri again. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't returned. So many bad things had happened since Kosovo, because of Kosovo.

"Is Chase going to be okay?" She asked him in a worried voice.

"The doctors are very optimistic. They got him into surgery very quickly."

"Oh, thank God." Kim breathed a sigh of relief.

"Come here" her father whispered as he hugged her again. He knew that she loved Chase. He just hoped Chase wouldn't hurt her the way he had, the way he had hurt Teri. "I hear you and Chase are going to make some changes. I'm very happy for you."

"I thought you were going to be upset about it."

"I'm so proud of you. I'm sure whatever choices you make will be the right ones."

They hugged again. "Thank you, Dad. Thank you. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'm going to be fine. There's some things I have to deal with, but I'm going to be fine. Are you going to wait here for Chase to get out of surgery?"

"Yeah." She answered.

"I've got to leave for a little while but I'm going to be back. I love you."

"I love you, too"

Jack looked back at Kim as he left the hospital. She was all he had and he loved her so much it hurt. He walked through the door and nearly ran for his car. He was physically and mentally and emotionally drained. The long acting narcotic that Ramon Salazar had given him over twelve hours ago had long since worn off and his withdrawal symptoms were back with a vengeance. He needed a fix so badly he could barely walk.

Everything that happened today was my fault, he told himself. If I had not left Stephen Saunders for dead in Kosovo seven years ago, none of this would have happened. Stephen would still be a loyal British subject. I failed Stephen in Kosovo and now everything is my fault.

He could take no more. He reached the car and finally broke down. He sat behind the wheel of his SUV and cried. He pounded the window with his fist. He had so many reasons to cry and the sounds and images flickered through his brain life an old movie.

He cried for Claudia. She saved Chase's life, then died helping him escape. His affair with Claudia had been a mistake. He cared deeply for her but knew he didn't really love her. She was there when he was lonely and in need of physical contact. She saw him as her savior; her only way out of her relationship with Hector. If he hadn't convinced her to escape, she would probably be alive right now. He felt guilty for using her. He felt responsible for her death.

He cried for Gael and his family. Gael was dead because of his covert plan to buy the virus. Now Gael's wife was under arrest for killing Stephen Saunders and their children essentially lost two parents in the same day.

He cried for Ryan. He had never gotten along with Ryan, but being forced to execute him was the hardest order he had ever had to follow. Pulling the trigger was surreal and he couldn't get the image of Ryan lying face down in the dirt out of his mind.

He cried for Tony. Again, it if weren't for his covert plan, Michelle would never have been kidnapped and Tony wouldn't have been forced to commit treason. He wouldn't be on his way to Federal to be processed. He wouldn't be facing years of imprisonment.

He cried for Chase. He had never seen anyone exhibit bravery the way Chase had. He held absolutely still while Jack cut off his hand. His cries of pain still echoed in Jack's head.

Jack never would have admitted it, but mostly he cried for himself. Besides Teri's death which he had slowly come to accept, this was the lowest point in his life. He blamed himself for everything that happened today, for the pain he caused, for everyone who died and he was laden down with guilt.

He was finally acknowledging his heroin addiction and knew in his heart that it was about more than just maintaining his cover with the Salazars. It was about dulling pain and hiding from reality.

He had killed Nina in cold blood. Yes, in cold blood. He was no better than any murderer in any prison. She was no threat to him lying on the floor. He could have kicked her gun out of the way, but he didn't. He used it as an excuse to kill her.

He suddenly felt so alone. He was losing Kim to Chase and as much as he wanted her to be happy, letting go of his only lifeline was going to break his heart. He had pushed Kate away and she would probably never let him back in her life.

How was he going to live with all of this? It would be so much easier to die. As thoughts of death, the peacefulness of it all, started to invade his consciousness, a voice called over his two-way radio, "Jack, you there?"

He ignored it at first.

"Jack"

He closed his eyes then responded. "This is Jack."

"I just got a call from district. They started interrogating Saunders' courier, they could use your help."

Again he tried to ignore the request. "Jack?"

"Yeah"

"Jack, did you copy?"

"I'm on my way." With that, Jack put the SUV in gear and drove away.

4:12pm

Jack looked at his watch. He had now been awake for 35 hours and if he didn't sleep soon, he was going to collapse. The interrogation was over and now he was going back to the hospital to check on Chase. After that he was going home to sleep. He turned and headed for the door.

"Bauer!" he heard as he swiped his card key through the reader to exit it building.

He turned and looked up slowly. It seemed to take him a long time to react. He was so tired that he felt sluggish, his reflexes slow. Brad Hammond stood twenty feet away, his stance was firm.

"I need to see you now, Bauer."

"Brad, I haven't slept in a day and a half. I need to check on my partner and then I'd like to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow. Nothing is going to change between now and then."

"No, we'll talk now, Jack." Hammond directed him into a conference room. Three other high ranking officials from district and division were already seated in the room. Jack acknowledged them and sat down. Hammond was the only one who spoke and he got right to the point. "We are here to offer you two choices. Make no mistake, there is no room for negotiation and we don't care which offer you accept. Consider yourself lucky that you are the President's fair-haired boy or you would be in handcuffs down at Federal next to your buddy, Almeida. But Palmer made it clear you aren't to be charged with anything."

Jack nodded silently.

Hammond continued, "Here are your choices. We will provide a 28 day inpatient drug rehab, and then you come back and replace Almeida as CTU director. Or you can quit now, you'll get your pension, your personnel file will reflect the heroin use and it will likely prevent you from getting another job in any federal, state or local government agency ever again.

Not much of a choice, Jack thought. He really didn't want to go into inpatient rehab. He told Kim hours ago that he would do that, but his plan was to go off by himself, rent a cabin in the woods for a month and stop the heroin cold turkey. He would rather live through the withdrawal than have to tell his life story to some psychoanalyst, share his personal thoughts and feelings in group therapy. But coming back as CTU director was tempting; he loved that job more than any he ever had. What kind of a son of a bitch am I, he thought. Tony hasn't even been processed yet and I'm already taking his job. Maybe it was better to quit. He would get his pension, but he was far too young to retire. With too much time on his hands, he would just drown himself in heroin and he knew it. If he couldn't get a job in a military or paramilitary government organization, what would he do? He closed his eyes and shook his head not sure what to do. "Tell me about the rehab."

"The place is up in San Luis Obispo. It has a very high success rate. When you come back, you will be required to submit to weekly drug tests in order to keep your job. If you so much as fail one drug test, you will be out and you will lose your pension. We have arranged for a car to pick you up tomorrow morning at 8 and take you up there." Hammond explained.

"It sounds like you have made the decision for me." Jack responded blankly.

"Go home and get some sleep, Jack. Let your daughter know where you are going. You won't be able to talk to her or anyone else outside of the facility for the first 14 day. Then they will decide how much outside contact you are allowed." Brad paused. "This is really the best choice, Jack. You were the best CTU director we ever had. Mason and Almeida were good, but you were the best. We want you back in that position and you want it back, admit it."

Jack thanked everyone quietly and left to go home. He needed to think, to talk to Kim, to pack and most of all to sleep.

6:55pm

Tony was so tired he didn't know how he was still standing up. They were just about finished processing him. He still had to go to medical before he would be taken to a holding cell until his bail review hearing the next day at noon. He wanted to talk to Michelle, just to hear her voice, but was sure he wouldn't be able to do that until the hearing. Poor Michelle, he thought. He knew she was as tired as he was and she still had to keep functioning. She would have to debrief at CTU and then find a lawyer and get started on his defense. His position was pretty hard to defend, he thought. He committed treason. End of story.

His thoughts turned to Michelle. She was so wonderful. She didn't deserve any of what had happened to her today. He thought about how beautiful she was just yesterday morning when he had woken up early and watched her sleep. Her curls were spread out over the pillow. He stroked her hair and couldn't believe his good fortune having found such an incredible mate. She was the only women he had ever really loved. He would love her forever, but he had to be prepared to let her go if he was going to spend most of his life in prison.

Tony was surprised to see a familiar face when he arrived in the medical unit. Dr. Jim McCleary was the medical director for all of the federal facilities in California. Jim had been the director of the medical unit at CTU several years earlier when Tony started there. "Tony" Jim said extending his hand. "What the hell happened? One of the medics from CTU called me and said you were being processed. Jesus, Tony, I'm sorry about all of this."

Tony shook his head as if to say that it was all too much for him to believe. He let out a quiet sigh.

Jim spoke to the corrections officer. "Take him into exam room 3. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Yes, sir" the officer responded and led Tony down the hall and into the room. Tony was grateful to see the examination table and glanced at the officer as if to ask if he was allowed to sit down. The officer nodded almost imperceptibly. Tony took that as a 'yes' and sat on the table.

Jim walked in soon after and asked the officer to wait outside. "But sir, regulations say you can't be alone with a prisoner. It's for your own safety."

"Almeida isn't exactly a violent criminal. Please wait outside. If anyone questions it, I'll let them know I gave you a direct order." The officer opened the door and stepped out.

Jim and Tony talked while Jim did the examination, cleaned up Tony's neck wound and drew several tubes of blood. Jim knew the basic facts of the case, but Tony added the details. As Jim finished the exam he stepped back and looked at Tony. "Nobody should go through what you and Michelle have gone through in the last 24 hours. I can keep you here in medical over night. It will be more comfortable. You'll have had a bail review hearing tomorrow and hopefully you can go home until the trial."

"I hear they are calling me a flight risk and asking that I be held without bond."

"I don't think there is any real evidence that you are a flight risk. I don't think your lawyer is going to let the prosecutor get away with that request." Jim walked toward the door. "I'm going to call Michelle and update her on your condition. Would you like to talk to her?"

"I didn't think I'd be allowed to talk to her tonight." His hopes of hearing his wife's voice starting to rise.

"As medical director, I have to call her to let her know you are being admitted to the medical unit. Who's going to know if I slip the phone to you for a few minutes? My calls aren't monitored or recorded."

"Jim, I don't want to get you in trouble, but you can't imagine how much I want to talk to Michelle."

"I won't get in trouble. I'm happy to do it for you."

Jim called Michelle and talked to her for about five minutes before he handed the phone to Tony. "I'll be back in ten minutes." He said with a smile as he walked out the door.

"Sweetheart" he whispered into the phone as his voice cracked with emotion. "Are you alright, Baby?"

"Oh, Tony" he could hear her voice quiver as well. "I'm holding up, Honey. How about you?"

"I'm okay. Where are you? Are you at home? Are you getting some rest?"

"No, I'm on my way to meet with your lawyer, Marcus Youngwood."

"Marcus Youngwood?" Tony exclaimed. "Michelle, he's the premier defense attorney in California. We can't afford him!"

"Actually, we can, Tony." She explained, "Bob Warner keeps Youngwood on retainer to handle Marie's appeals. Right now, Marie is refusing any appeals. I guess she thinks it will further her cause if she is executed. Anyway, Bob is basically paying Marc the retainer to do nothing, so all we have to do is pay the difference between the retainer and his regular fee. We can handle it, Honey, really."

"Michelle, that's a lot for us to accept from Bob Warner. We don't know him that well."

"Kate called me as soon as this all hit the news and made the offer. I said the same thing, but she and Bob won't take 'no' for an answer. They are both still grateful for how you treated them when they were at CTU three years ago. They also felt that your testimony at Marie's trial put her in a better light than she really deserved. Bob appreciated that. Tony, Youngwood is the best there is. Please, let's just say 'thank you' and accept the offer."

"I guess it's pretty hard for me to argue while I'm in here and you're out there." Tony said ruefully.

"I'm on my way to his office to discuss your case. Your hearing is at noon tomorrow; expect us around 10 o'clock. Youngwood thinks he can get you released on a reasonable bond."

"Honey, don't get your hopes up. You know the prosecutor is trying to have me held without bond. I just don't want you to be disappointed." Jim was outside the room and he rattled the doorknob. "Look, Honey, I have to go. I love you with all my heart and I can't wait to see you. Try and get some rest, Baby."

"I love you, too, Tony. You get some rest, too. I'll see you in the morning."

Tony was moved to a hospital bed in the medical unit for the night. He was humiliated when they shackled his ankle to the bed as if he were some common criminal. Jim personally brought him dinner. Tony thanked him, but despite his hunger after having not eaten in over 24 hours, he couldn't bring himself to eat.

He was lying in a hospital bed in prison. In prison! This was going to be harder to swallow than he thought. He told Michelle that he could live with what he had done as long as she was safe, but it was not going to be as easy as he thought.

He lay in the bed exhausted, almost too exhausted to sleep. The day played over and over in his head. He wished he could stop it, but he was powerless to do so. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Michelle on the computer monitor, the kidnapper's knife inching closer to her face. He could hear his arguments with Jack. Suggesting that Jack hadn't learned anything from what happened to Teri had been a low blow. He owed Jack an apology. He could hear Michelle's voice as she told Jack that she had escaped. He was so proud of her, so happy she was safe. He could feel his own angst rising as Jack told her she had to let Saunders capture her again. He squeezed is eyes shut. Make it stop, God. Make it stop. He prayed fervently as he drifted off to sleep.