Total Drama All-Stars Rewritten: Episode 28
RATED TV-14
This episode contains material that may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 14. Viewer discretion is advised.
The Bold and the Booty-ful
(Recap)
Chris: Last time on Total Drama All-Stars, the campers got sent out on safari in our totally wild animal trapping challenge from first season. They made like game wardens and zookeepers, although some did just the opposite of that. Lindsay had a rough day with her green anaconda, the largest snake on the planet. Courtney nearly got turned into cat litter for a pack of hungry black jaguars! Mal really bonded with the wolf pack. Brick tried making like a cowboy with a moose, only to find out we're in the wild, not the rodeo. And Sky was doing well with her skunk until, a sneaky little rat named Mal double crossed her, getting her skunked off the island. Leaving Brick to carry on without his battle buddy and girlfriend. Only 4 campers remain. Who will be voted off this week in the most epic campfire ceremony of all? Find out tonight on TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(Theme song)
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be, now I think the answer is plain to see
I wanna be famous!
I wanna live close to the sun
Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
'Cause I wanna be famous!
Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na-na-na-na
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Whistling)
(Later that night, Mal is in the spa hotel, devising his next evil plan. While at the same time, he finds the DVD of himself which Lindsay left behind. Quickly, he breaks it to pieces!)
Mal: (confessional) There. Now nobody can get the DVD. Although it's probably too far gone at this point. Hmph. At least the million dollars is still in my grasp. And none of the others stand a chance against me. (snickers) I'm going to use the prize money to live like a real villain. In a tower, probably overlooking a volcano.
(In Mike's subconscious, Mike and his personalities are getting worn out from the stair climbing)
Mike: This is going to take forever! How much longer?
Manitoba: We got another 39 floors.
Vito: If I climb anymore, my legs will fall off!
Svetlana: Mine too! They're screaming in agony!
(Chester is still sleeping as Mike is piggybacking him)
Mike: What are we gonna do to get us up there faster? There's no elevator and we're already past the halfway mark!
Manitoba: I know! (he pulls out his lasso) I'll use the lasso like a grappler to grab the hand rails above and we can climb up that way!
Mike: Brilliant!
(the other personalities cheer, except Chester. He is sleeping. Manitoba lassos his rope as high as he can and everyone starts climbing the rope)
(Chris barges into the room)
Chris: UGHHHHHH! I can't stand staying here! I want my cottage back!
Mal: (annoyed) And?
Chris: None of these accommodations meet my standards! NONE!
Mal: You're such a child. Staying in the hotel is better than not having a home at all.
Chris: Ugh! You wouldn't understand! Because you're not a famous celebrity like me!
Mal: I'd rather be who I am than a spoiled brat like you.
Chris: Ugh! Whatever! I'm outta here!
Mal: (confessional) Am I going to have to tolerate his whiny ass all night?! What a (censored).
(Brick and Lindsay are sitting on the porch of the cabin. Lindsay still has bandages to cover the snake bites)
Lindsay: There's only 2 of us left in our alliance against…uh…what's his name again?
Brick: Mal.
Lindsay: Right. I wish we could recruit Courtney, but she wouldn't want to be in an alliance with me after season 2.
Brick: Then it's best to simply let her be. We got this. (confessional) Yes, I miss my battle buddy Sky. But I know she would want me to keep on trucking. This is the final 4! The farthest I've ever made it on the show! I can feel it deep in my bones that winning is inevitable. And my plan to split the money with Sky if I win is still very much alive. That and I'll donate a portion of my winnings to my platoon. I will not let you down!
Lindsay: (confessional/happy) EEEEEEE! I'm in the final 4! I'm in the final 4! And so many people said I would never accomplish anything! How do you like me now, Heather?
Lindsay: Uh, do anacondas have venom?
Brick: No. Anacondas are boa constrictors. They're not venomous. But they still pack a powerful bite. And a strong squeeze of their coils.
Lindsay: Oh yeah, no kidding.
Chris: (loudspeaker) Good morning final 4! It's that time again for a challenge of epic proportions! Meet me at the dock of shame pronto!
(the final 4 head over to the dock. Courtney glares at Lindsay and Mal. Lindsay looks worried)
Lindsay: I don't like that look in her eye.
Courtney: I wish I could vote off 2 assholes tonight.
Mal: So, which one of you suckers can I sabotage next?
Courtney: Oh, you're not getting by me!
Mal: (smug) Uh huh, sure. (Courtney growls)
Courtney: (confessional) Not too far away now! I can almost taste law school! But I won't let those 2 losers get in my way.
(Chris arrives at the dock dressed as a pirate)
Chris: (pirate voice) Ahoy mateys! Ar har! Come to me, faithful bird! (Chef comes out dressed like a parrot. He is not happy) Oh come on, quit scowling! You look great in that thing! And you know it!
Chef: (censored) you.
Chris: Hey, if you don't wanna be here, then… (Chef drives the boat away) THAT WASN'T WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY! (sighs/to the campers) Sorry guys. It's just that life is so hard in the spa hotel. I'm sick of roughing it!
Courtney: Maybe you could try, oh I don't know…being grateful for what you have and quit whining! It could be a lot worse!
Lindsay: Yeah! Living there is better than living nowhere at all!
Chris: Whatever. Anywho, since I'm craving the comforts of home, I've come up with a special challenge. Your task, to retrieve 1 of 4 valuable pieces of pirate loot, stashed somewhere on the island.
Mal: (sarcastic) Right. As if there's anything valuable in this dump.
Chris: (pirate voice) There be plenty if ye know what yer looking for! (Mal rolls his eyes)
Courtney: (confessional) Chris's idea of valuable is pretty skewed. He's such an egotistical self-centered brat that his most prized possession is himself. Just pathetic.
Chris: So, to determine who searches for what, each camper will choose 1 of these 4 treasure chests. ARRRR! Mal, since you won the last challenge, you get first dibs.
Mal: Hmph. Naturally. (he chooses a treasure chest at random. Out pops a picture of a gem)
Chris: Mal, you must bring me the McLean diamond. Which can be found on the abandoned pirate ship.
Mal: You have a pirate ship?
Chris: It was a leftover from the finale of Total Drama Action. Anywho, you'll find the diamond there. But watch out! The diamond is well-protected by Fang!
Mal: (sarcastic) Of course, it's always the ferocious beast that protects what you want. So cliche.
Chris: Yep! Heh heh heh!
Lindsay: Who's Fang again?
Brick: A mouth full of teeth with a bad attitude.
Courtney: Yep, that hits the nail on the head.
Chris: Next!
Courtney: I'll go. (she picks another treasure chest. Out pops a picture of a foot) What's the foot for? (sarcastic) Let me guess, I have to give you a foot massage? (Lindsay can't help giggling)
Chris: Heh heh heh! Yeah, no. Courtney, you must bring me the yeti.
Courtney: Excuse me?! (confessional) First I get chased by jaguars, now I have to go hunt a stupid ape?! Ugh! It's fine. I won't let anyone else win! Especially Mal! Or Lindsay!
(Brick goes next. He picks another chest. Out pops a picture of a gilded Chris award)
Chris: Brick, you must bring me the long lost gilded Chris statue.
Brick: Long lost, huh?
Chris: Yep! Even I have no idea where it is. (in the confessional, Chef winks at the camera and cackles)
Brick: (salutes) I'll do my best, sir!
Chris: Very good. At ease.
Lindsay: Guess that leaves the last chest for me! (she opens the last chest and out pops a picture of Chris's face) I have to bring Chris back? He's right here, so…YAY! I win!
Chris: What? No! Lindsay, you must go to the crumbling wreckage of my former cottage, and bring back an intact portrait of moi. (Lindsay raises an eyebrow in confusion) Portrait, you know, a painting.
Lindsay: Ohhhhhhhh! Okay! (she nods happily)
Chris: (sarcastic) I'm glad you get it, because the other half of your brain that's also talking doesn't know.
Lindsay: (confused) What?
Chris: Ugh. Never mind. Anywho, now that you all have your assignments, here's the real kicker. Whoever presents their loot to me first wins invincibility. Whoever comes back last, or worse…empty handed, will go straight to the dock of shame and board the boat of losers into the sunset tonight. No bonfire, no marshmallow, no voting, nothing. (pirate voice) All clear? On yer marks…(sighs) Who am I kidding? Just go! And good luck!
(the campers set off to find their treasure)
(Mal skips across the rocks in the water to the pirate ship)
Mal: Not bad for a movie prop. Too bad it's missing its hull and its rudder. (he makes it up to the main deck) Now, where's that diamond? (then, Fang emerges from the lavatory in the poop deck) Ahh, there's my sharky friend. Show me the diamond and I'll be out of your hair. Cool? (With a toothy grin, Fang shows that the diamond is attached to his teeth!) Whoa…(confessional) This could be harder than I anticipated. How can I retrieve the diamond without losing an arm? Hmm…
(Fang and Mal square up and then they start to wrestle on the deck!)
(Meanwhile, Courtney spots giant footprints. They're from the yeti)
Courtney: Jackpot! The tracks are still warm. Can't be too far ahead. (she follows the yeti's trail) (confessional) I'm really not in the mood for bagging another wild critter. Especially after what Mal did to me with the jaguars! Ugh!
(Lindsay follows the beach to the mansion wreckage)
Lindsay: One Chris painting coming right up! He has so many pictures of himself, and I just need one! Easy peezy lemon squeezy! (She giggles. Then, when she reaches the wreckage, she can't believe her eyes! She gasps!) Oh my gosh! What a mess! (confessional) I may have spoke too soon! Izzy, what were you thinking? You shouldn't play with boom boom! It's dangerous! (Lindsay treads lightly through the wreckage. Some parts are loose and could collapse at any moment) Here painting painting! Come to auntie Lindsay! (then, she spots one) Aha! (she pulls on it, but it's stuck under some of the rubble)
(Meanwhile, Brick is wandering the island, looking for the lost gilded Chris)
Brick: (confessional) The gilded Chris is solid gold. You could spot something that shiny a mile away. But this one is long lost, Chris said. Hmm…this is going to be tough.
(Brick looks far and wide, high and low, but is coming up short)
Brick: If I had a metal detector, this would be much easier.
(Chris is in the booth watching on the monitor)
Chris: Yeah, but you gotta use nothing but your wits to find that thing! Wait a minute….(he rewinds the tape to see Chef winking) CHEF! Will anyone survive this challenge? They all have some pretty dangerous assignments! But it's all in the name of pirate! But find out for sure when we return. (he leaves the booth to find Chef)
(Commercial break)
(Back at the wreckage, Lindsay has the painting in her grip and pulls with all her might)
Lindsay: Come on! Come on! (Then, with one jerk, she rips it!) Oopsie! Sorry Chris!
Chris: (in the booth) Hey! How dare she destroy my portrait?! Do you know much I paid the painter to paint that? 10 bucks! And do you know how much I had to pay for that painting afterwards?! ANOTHER 10 BUCKS!
Lindsay: Uh…I'll just uh…look for another one! Yeah!
(She goes to look for another Chris painting)
Lindsay: (confessional) I hope Chip, er, Chris isn't too pissed at me for tearing his picture! It was an accident! Swearzies!
(As Lindsay is looking for another painting, more house parts fell on top of her!)
Lindsay: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!
(Meanwhile, Mal is still wrestling with Fang until POW! Fang punches Mal off the ship and into the water below!)
Mal: (spitting out water/angry) So that's how it's gonna be? Then let's play. (Cracks his knuckles)
(Brick is still looking around for the gilded Chris. He is still coming up short)
Brick: That damn statue is around here somewhere! Where the hell is it? (he is just about to give up when suddenly, he spots something shiny and golden! He picks it up) Yes! At last! (He starts heading towards camp when he runs into a bear!) Uh oh! (the bear roars and chases him)
(Courtney hides in a bush and spots the yeti)
Courtney: (whispers to herself) Wow, look at the size of that thing! (the yeti is wearing chef attire and reaches into a tree hole. He pulls out a bird's nest full of eggs) Well, here it goes. (takes a deep breath) Alright tough guy. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. (to the yeti) Hey you! (the yeti turns to Courtney) Yeah, you! I don't think you'd want to eat those eggs raw like that, would you? (the yeti is confused) Tell me, would you like them baked, or roasted? Over-easy? Pulp? Or toasted? (the yeti is still confused) Then, I guess I'll eat them! (she snatches them from the yeti! This makes the yeti angry and it chases Courtney!)
Courtney: (confessional) I swear, if I get the bad end of that big walking throwrug, there's gonna be hell to pay!
(Back at the pirate ship, Fang is laying down on the deck to relax. Mal is coming up with a plan to capture the diamond)
Mal: (confessional) Obviously the walking sushi platter isn't going to surrender the goods to me. So I'll just subdue him before he subdues me. I bring him to Chris with the diamond, victory is mine! End of story.
(Mal is standing atop the yardarm with a lasso and a rope. He lowers it down to Fang and it latches onto Fang's snout!)
Mal: Gotcha! (Before he can do anything, Fang pulls on the lasso and Mal falls down through the deck and into the hull! Fang drops a bunch of junk on top of him! Mal growls viciously)
Mal: (confessional/injured/angry) When I finish with him, he'll be lucky if he has any teeth left.
(Mal digs himself out of the junk and he gets really mad! He grabs his lasso and climbs back up with a scary look in his eye)
(Brick is still being chased by the bear when he suddenly remembers something)
Brick: Hold the phone! What am I doing? (he takes off his boot and holds in front of the bear's nose! It backs up and runs away!) Ha ha ha! The smell of war is back for round 3! (confessional) Works every time.
(Back at the wreckage, Lindsay finally breaks free of the rubble. She is all dirty and scratched up)
Lindsay: Ow, my head! (then, something caught her eye! It's an intact painting of Chris!) YAY! No rips! Just a little bit of dirt. (she blows the dirt off) There! Perfect!
(Courtney is still being chased by the yeti, she is carrying the nest of eggs and luring the yeti towards camp)
Courtney: Mine, all mine! You can't have them!
(Chris is watching in the booth)
Chris: Looks like 3 of our 4 campers have their loot! Better head down to the dock to see who wins it!
Lindsay: (bringing her portrait towards camp) EEEEEE! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win! EEEEEEE!
(Brick is chasing the bear with his smelly boot)
Brick: Come back and try to eat me now, hairball! (he puts his boot back on and sprints towards camp)
(Courtney climbs up a tree to escape the yeti, but to no avail! The yeti is hot on her tail! Courtney has nowhere to go now!)
Courtney: Okay fine! I surrender! You want the eggs? Come and get them! (as the yeti advances towards Courtney, the branch they're standing on cracks and collapses beneath them!) Uh oh! AAAHHHHHH! (the yeti lands on the branch, with the eggs landing on his head, and Courtney landing on the eggs!) Ugh! Gross! (suddenly, they slide downhill like a sled!)
(Back at the pirate ship, Mal climbs back up to the deck with lasso in hand. He is very angry and growling viciously. Fang grins a hungry grin. Mal is not backing down! They square up to fight again! They charge towards each other! When Fang got close enough, Mal sprung high in the air! He latches the lasso around Fang's neck and he pulls it tight to secure it! Mal has caught Fang!)
Mal: Tough break, fish breath! (snickers evilly)
(At the dock of shame, Chris is waiting for the campers. Then, from out of nowhere, came the yeti and Courtney still sliding on the tree limb! Courtney jumped clear before, CRASH! The yeti crashed into a tree!)
Courtney: Phew!
Chris: Well, I can't say I care for how you did it, but you did do it. Courtney is the winner!
Courtney: YES!
(then, Lindsay comes running to the scene with the painting she found)
Lindsay: (out of breath) I'm here!
Chris: And Lindsay comes in 2nd. You better not have done anything to that painting! (Lindsay holds it up, and it's the intact Chris version of the Ecce Homo) Hmm…oh yeah! I remember this one! It was my favorite! You're in 2nd place!
Lindsay: (happy) YAAAAAYYYYYYYY! (Courtney rolls her eyes)
(Meanwhile, Mal and Brick are running like the wind towards Chris with their loot. Neither one is backing down! Mal is holding Fang in his lasso while Brick is carrying the gilded Chris. They arrive)
Chris: And here's Mal and Brick. It's too close to call who came in 3rd! You both made it back with something. Brick, you found the gilded Chris! Well done! (Brick salutes) And Mal, you brought Fang to me? He looks like he took the worst beating since Michigan vs. San José 1939! Heh heh heh! But, I asked for the McLean diamond. Not the shark.
Mal: It's right here. (he pries open Fang's mouth to show the diamond attached to Fang's teeth)
Chris: Wow, you both made it with your loot! I'll have to review the footage to see who got here first. (Chris checks the footage and everyone holds their breath as they wait) Campers, it's come to my knowledge that Brick…(Brick is anxious) got here half a second after Mal did! That means Mal comes in 3rd, and Brick is walking the dock of shame tonight!
Brick: What? (Mal grins evilly)
Chris: No hard feelings bro. You played an awesome game. DISMISSED! (Brick tries to smile but is bummed) Courtney, you won yourself another night of luxury in the spa hotel. Courtney: Awesome!
(Mal glares at her)
(in Mike's subconscious, Mike and his personalities finally reach the top floor of the tower. But when they do, they see that the control room to Mike's mind is barricaded by a locked door)
Mike: Oh, just wonderful. Mal sealed himself inside. How do we get in?
Manitoba: (examines the door) Fellas, this is a combination lock! Svetlana: How are we gonna crack the code? Vito: Or we could just bust the door down! Manitoba: If it ever comes to that, it would be worth a shot. Mike: Whatever can get us inside so we can face Mal once and for all!
(Chester wakes up)
Chester: Huh? Are we there yet?
Mike: Yeah, only we're stuck behind a locked door with a combination lock.
Chester: Dangful Mal! Leaving locked doors and stupid locks to give us headaches! Dagnab it!
Mike: (groans dreadfully) Come on, let's figure this damn thing out. (they try to figure out the combo)
(that night, Brick is walking the dock of shame)
Lindsay: Aww, I'm gonna miss you! (she hugs Brick)
Brick: Me too. (Lindsay salutes him and he salutes back)
Courtney: You really played well. I'm impressed. I'm sure your platoon would be so proud of you.
Brick: Thanks. (they salute to each other)
(Brick and Mal glare at each other before Brick steps onto the boat of losers and he sails away into the night. Only Courtney, Lindsay, and Mal are left now)
Mal: (confessional) I can almost taste the million dollars now. Just 2 more losers to go. (laughs evilly)
Lindsay: (confessional) OMG, I can't believe I made it this far! I'm so close to buying all the lip gloss I ever dreamed of! EEEEEEE!
Courtney: (confessional) I did it! A new Total Drama record! I made it past 4th and I'm now in the final 3! Hello law school!
Chris: I can't believe we're down to our final 3 campers already! Where did the season go? Seriously! Who's going to the finale? And who will walk the dock of shame one last time? Find out next time on the almost conclusion to TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS! Now, where is Chef?! We need to have a little talk about that gilded Chris!
(credits)
ELIMINATION ORDER
PRE-MERGE
24th: Sugar
23rd: Max
22nd: Jo
21st: Sierra
20th: Owen
19th: Cameron
18th: Heather
17th: Shawn
16th: Scarlett
POST-MERGE
15th: Zoey
14th: Duncan
13th: Scott
12th: Izzy
11th: Alejandro
10th: Gwen
9th: Geoff
8th: Sammy
7th: Lightning
6th: Jasmine
5th: Sky
4th: Brick