Chapter 4: Lifestyle Changes

Day 3, 8:00am

Jack looked out the window and saw the government car pull up in front of his condo. This is it, he thought. As if everything that happened yesterday wasn't enough, now he was going to be forced to rehab in a way that didn't fit his personality. He hated the idea of spilling his guts to some stranger who was going to tell him how he should feel and why he acted the way he did. Kate was one of the few people he ever opened up to and even then, he never opened up fully. He sighed and picked up his suitcase. Be back in a month, he thought as he locked the door behind him.

Despite being exhausted he hadn't really slept at all. He didn't even bother to get into bed; he knew it was a waste of time. Instead he called Kim and said goodbye; he told her that he loved her and would talk to her in a couple of weeks. (He had stopped by the hospital after he left his meeting with Hammond. Chase was out of surgery. The doctors seemed pleased with the results, but they wouldn't know how successful the surgery was for several days at least. Even then, it would be weeks of physical therapy before they would know how functional his hand would be.)

Jack spent much of the night fighting waves of withdrawal symptoms. He was sweating so much that he had showered and changed clothes twice. The abdominal cramps and back spasms were so bad that at times he couldn't sit up straight. Still he forced himself to stay away from the heroin stash he had in his closet. He couldn't bring himself to get rid of it, but he willed himself not to use it. He would not let this addiction win. He was stronger than that. The only villain that had ever beaten him was Nina and in the end, he won that battle, too. Victor Drazen hadn't beaten him. Stephen Saunders hadn't beaten him. Heroin would not beat him either.

In the moments when the withdrawal symptoms were at their mildest, his mind spun nonstop over the last day. It moved from subject to subject like a hummingbird in a flower garden. Amazingly, he had already managed to put the most heinous moments behind him: killing Nina, executing Ryan, watching the young prison guard die as he was forced to play Russian roulette, cutting off Chase's hand. Those moments were all relegated to that part of his brain that he had partitioned off years ago. That place where only his worst memories went. A place he never visited and never let anyone else know existed. These new memories would have plenty of company there. They would join memories from Operation Nightfall and from the day the nuke exploded and from that day almost five years ago when Teri was murdered and from so many other missions. No, the new memories would not get lonely in that corner of his brain.

One moment from yesterday that particularly haunted him in the middle of the night was an angry comment Tony made; one spoken in the fear and emotion of the moment. Tony, his good friend, had looked him in the eye as they stood near the pay phone, as Tony tried to exchange Jane Saunders for Michelle and shouted at him "protecting her is not your priority, is it? If she were to get killed, that would be an acceptable loss wouldn't it?" He couldn't look at Tony; he looked away. Yes, he knew in his mind that in this situation, Michelle's death would be an 'acceptable loss'. Michelle was a government agent. When she swore the oath, she knew she could die for her country. Just like any soldier or sailor or airman or marine, just like Chappelle, just like Mason. They all knew death was a possibility. Yes, Michelle's death, though regrettable, would be an 'acceptable loss'. Had Tony died at the mall, it would have been an 'acceptable loss'. Had Chase died in Mexico, it would have been an 'acceptable loss'. If it meant protecting the country, the job he was sworn to do, their deaths would be 'acceptable losses'.

Tony just shook his head "My God, Jack, didn't you learn anything from what happened to Teri?" That was more than Jack could take. He lost his focus, lost his control. "Shut up, Tony!" He shouted as he pushed Tony away like a schoolyard bully that had no other way to fight back. A person too stupid or too insecure to argue his point so he did the only thing he could do, use superior physical strength to hurt the person who had spoken the truth.

Was Tony right? Had he lost his perspective? He had become enraged when Tony asked Kim to double for Jane Saunders in the library. Kim, a sworn federal agent, was not an 'acceptable loss' and he would not let her risk her life. Michelle, Ryan, Tony, Chase, himself, they were all different. They could be sacrificed, but not his daughter.

Tony's voice broke through his thoughts again. "Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm going to sacrifice mine!" He had not sacrificed Teri. Teri was murdered. It was different, he told himself. Tony losing his wife to a terrorist was different.

Did he want Michelle to die? Deep down, somewhere in the depths of his soul, did he have some perverse desire to see Michelle dead? No, he thought, he liked Michelle, respected her, enjoyed her company. No, he didn't think that he wanted her dead.

Was he jealous of Tony and Michelle, of the love they had? They reminded him so much of himself and Teri when they were younger; so playful and so romantic and so in love. Outside of CTU, they were always holding hands, touching lightly just to feel the other close by. As much as he loved Kate, their relationship had been different, every bit as good, but different. He couldn't explain it.

Or did he want Tony to suffer the way he had, to feel the same pain he had felt, to understand what it was like to have the most precious thing in your life taken away from you leaving your soul ripped open and bleeding? After all, Tony was at CTU when Teri was murdered. Tony was at least partially responsible for her death. He could have protected her. He could have kept her away from Nina. Jack knew Tony carried the guilt of that day with him at all times. He knew that Tony also had that walled off partition in his mind where he kept that day, where he kept the guilt that had nearly overwhelmed him in the first few months after Teri's death. Maybe all I want is to see Tony suffer, too, Jack thought.

It all scared him. That he could have become so cold to it all, that he could so easily turn people's lives into 'acceptable losses' and sacrifices chilled him to his core. CTU had changed him. It had become too important to him. His mission to protect his country, to become its lone savior had turned him into someone he hated. Someone he greedily poisoned with heroin and alcohol and tobacco as a punishment for the ugliness he carried in his heart.

At least, he thought, the month in rehab would give him time to think; time to decide who he wanted to be. Did he want to continue to be this person who got impressive results at CTU, but who had lost his morality? Did he want to be this person who was so wrapped up in his job that he tricked his own daughter into creating transfer papers to get Ramon Salazar out of prison? Or did he want to be someone else; someone he used to be?

4:17pm

Kate stood at the head of the table in the conference room next to her office. Despite yesterday's terrorist attack, most people outside of the quarantine zones had reported to work. Midmorning, Kate notified her senior staff that they would have a 4:00 meeting to review safety and security protocols at Warner Enterprises. A dozen senior staff members sat anxiously around the table. Everyone was anxious about everything after the terrorist attack. As she wrapped up the meeting everyone began shuffling papers and getting ready to leave. They all wanted to get home. Right now everyone in LA wanted to be home, with their family in what felt like their own safe cocoon, away from the evil that had invaded their city.

"If I could have you all stay for just a few more minutes," she said "I have an announcement to make."

Everyone sat back in their chairs and set paperwork on the table, a quiet but discontented rumble could be heard among some of the participants. "This is probably going to come as a surprise to you. I wanted to tell my staff before my father announces it to the whole company. You know that our Seattle office has been running without a manager for a couple of months now. I have decided to leave Los Angeles and manage the Seattle office." There were startled reactions and mumblings around the table. "This hasn't been an easy decision and I will miss all of you."

Kate took a deep breath and continued. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I decided that this is a lifestyle change that I need right now. You all know I put in a lot of hours here and, believe me, I'm not complaining. I love working here and with all of you. But my life is changing and I think the slower pace and lighter stress load at the Seattle office is something that will be important to me in the next few years."

She paused again, smiled and lowered her eyes slightly. "You see, I'm having a baby in a few months and I want to have some time to be a mother and to enjoy my baby." Kate looked up at a sea of stunned faces. Although a couple of the women had discussed the fact that Kate was gaining weight, the idea that she could be pregnant never crossed anyone's mind. One of the senior managers seemed to recover from the shock first and ran over to congratulate her. The others quickly followed and soon Kate was hugging everyone and accepting their congratulations and best wishes. She told them that she would be leaving in two weeks and that her father would name her replacement before she left. In the mean time she was going to spend several days in Seattle looking for a place to live.

As everyone left, Kate felt that the meeting had gone well. She knew there were going to be all kinds of whispers as they tried to figure out who the father was and that the rumors were going to fly around the office. She didn't care. This wasn't how she planned her life, but it was working out fine.

9:43pm

After unlocking the door, Tony turned the knob and happily opened the door for Michelle. Not in his wildest dreams had he imagined that he would be home, free on bond, tonight. He felt his eyes fill with tears. This may only be temporary, he thought, but at the moment he didn't care.

The bail review hearing had gone better than he had expected. The federal prosecutor had, as planned, asked that Tony be considered a flight risk and held without bail. Marc Youngwood reviewed Tony's exemplary service record and his close family ties to the LA area and told the judge there was no reason to believe that Almeida was a flight risk. The judge agreed and he was released after posting a $250,000 bond. A trial date almost ten months away was set.

It was close to 3 o'clock before they left the Federal courthouse. Marc suggested that Tony and Michelle come to his office. He would have his secretary order a late lunch and they could eat and discuss his defense strategy. Tony liked Marc instantly. He was humble and down to earth despite the fact that he was one of the most recognized attorneys in the country. His tone was warm and congenial and he seemed genuinely concerned about Tony's well being.

"I don't know how you can possibly defend what I did." Tony admitted. "I won't deny it. Frankly, I can't deny it."

Marc agreed to an extent. He did think Tony's position was indefensible, but suggested that they may be able to reach a plea agreement. Marc began to outline his strategy. If Tony was willing to plead guilty to some of the lesser counts of obstructing justice and aiding and abetting a terrorist, he could possibly get the treason charge dropped. Marc would bring up Tony's physical condition at the time. The gunshot wound, lingering effects of anesthesia and exhaustion all had to count for something. Additionally he would bring up the extreme mental duress under which Tony was working. He knew that the government did not want the publicity of the case. Too much classified information would have to be released during the trial. In order to keep the whole thing as quiet as possible, Marc felt he would be able to arrange a plea that kept the prison sentence under two years.

Tony agreed heartily to the plan. As of yesterday afternoon, he thought he would be lucky to get out in less than twenty years, so two years was nothing. Michelle was far more reluctant. She didn't want Tony to plead guilty to anything and she certainly didn't want him to serve any prison time. A jury would never convict him, she said. Neither Marc nor Tony was so sure.

"Look, Michelle" Marc advised her, "if we can get a plea agreement, it's a sure thing and we negotiate the best possible terms. If this goes to a jury, you never know how things will turn out. Some juries might be sympathetic to Tony; others might feel that he ignored his oath to protect all Americans, not just his wife and that he deserves life in prison. I'll do whatever you two decide, but my advice is to go for a plea bargain."

Michelle deferred to Tony saying that she would live with whatever decision he made. He didn't have to think twice and told Marc to go ahead with negotiating a plea bargain. Tony and Michelle left Marc's office for home. Tony put a jazz CD into the stereo and they listened in silence as he drove home.

"Honey," Tony said as he stepped into the house behind her. "I know that this plea bargain isn't what you want, but I think it is what's best for us. We may end up apart for a couple of years, but when I'm out of prison, if you still want me, we can be together. We can have a family. We've talked about it; that's something we both want."

Michelle looked at him and shook her head. "Tony you haven't thought about what was best for us in months. You've been so wrapped up in CTU and this plan to buy the virus for so long now, we're lucky there is still an 'us'."

"Oh, Sweetheart, let's not start. You know how sorry I am. If I could have told you about the plan, I would have. It was best for you not to know."

"Why, because I would have opposed it?" she replied angrily.

Tony didn't answer. "Please, Sweetheart, I love you so much. I didn't know how I was going to go on if you died. I've never been so scared in my life. We need to start over, Baby. I know I've been a lousy husband for the last few months, but I promise you that will change. Just give me a chance. No matter how this turns out, I won't ever be able to go back to CTU. Maybe you can leave too. We'll find normal jobs, ones where we work from 9-5. Maybe we can leave LA, go someplace quiet." He was grasping at straws now; he was so afraid of losing her.

Tony thought that he could see Michelle's expression soften. "Let's go to bed. We're both tired. We can talk about it in the morning."

They climbed the stairs to their bedroom. Tony undressed and took a shower. He never remembered a shower feeling so good. He let the water run over him for a long time and began to feel clean for the first time in two days. He put on a pair of boxer shorts and got into bed. He tried to read while Michelle was in the shower, but found he could not focus. He turned off the light and lay silently in the dark room. He must have dosed off but awakened as Michelle came out of the bathroom and slipped into bed. She lay on her side of the bed, her back to Tony. He inched toward the center of the bed, but stopped as he felt her move closer to the edge of the bed and away from him. Was he losing her? He was terrified. He fought so hard to save her life. He committed treason to save her life. She was all he wanted. He lay very still not knowing what to do next. He wanted to reach out to her, but he feared that she would get out of bed, leave him forever. He had to gain her trust again so he decided to wait patiently. He would wait for a lifetime, if necessary, he thought. After what seemed like an eternity, Michelle turned over and moved toward him. He took her cue and reached out to her.

They wrapped their arms around each other and both began to cry. Like Jack, they cried for so many reasons. They cried for themselves and for each other; they cried for the friends and colleagues they lost, they cried over decisions they had both been forced to make during the crisis; they cried for the sadness and the pain they had witnessed; they cried for their future which was now so uncertain. They cried inconsolably, sobs wracking their bodies. They cried until there were no more tears left, but the muscle spasms from the sobs continued.

Tony calmed down first. He finally lay still, exhausted, Michelle encased firmly in his arms. Her sobs continued. He didn't try to stop her; he knew she needed to cry it out. He stroked her hair and her back, wishing there was a way to take all of the pain away from her. He never wanted her to hurt, not ever. Tony felt her body relax as the sobs subsided. Her breathing slowed and deepened, but he knew by her continued tight grip on his body that she wasn't asleep. Her face was still pressed against his neck. They both lay very still. He tipped his head and kissed her temple. It was the only bit of her skin he could reach without moving. His lips lingered for a long time. His arms still tightly around her, he nudged her face with his own. Her head turned slightly and his lips fell onto the hollow of her cheek. There the sweet flavor of her skin mixed with the salt of her tears. She tasted so good. Again, his lips lingered for a long time. He raised his head slightly and gently nudged her face one more time. This time as he leaned forward he found her soft, warm mouth. Her lips were parted and her tongue immediately found its way into his mouth.

The kisses quickly turned from tender to passionate to insistent. They fumbled to remove clothing. Soon they were naked, arms and legs entwined. All of the emotions of the last two days were released in a torrent. Their kisses got harder and harder until they almost hurt, but neither seemed to mind. Michelle pulled away first, panting to get her breath. Then she buried her face in Tony's neck which was still wet with her tears, and began kissing him urgently and nipping him lightly with her teeth. She slipped down to his chest and licked and bit his nipples. Her hand strayed down further and she wrapped it around him stroking him roughly. He groaned loudly. Seemingly incapacitated, he writhed on the bed. Michelle felt him take a deep breath as if to gather his strength. He grabbed her shoulders and threw her almost angrily to the bed. She put her hands on the back of his neck and pulled his face to hers. He covered her face with hot, wet kisses. He pulled back and knelt over her, pinning her down, they were both panting as the mood seemed to change. Slowly, he released her and lowered himself gently on top of her. They developed a slow, steady rhythm, both of them moaning softly and begging for more in between kisses. They finally lay still; exhausted, spent, warm and happy and more in love than they had been in months.

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