||Chapter 3|| Snails, Pails, and Kitty Cat Tails

It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. A vivid, horrifyingly realistic nightmare would have been a more accurate description of what Ranma had found his life had become virtually overnight. 'I'm a guy! Pops teasing me about Ryoga! That's just low.' Ranma stewed as he returned to the kata he was practicing in the dojo, there was a class in session, being taught by his own father no less! 'What was he thinking doing that! Maybe I should go on a date with Ryoga just to spite him...' Ranma thought bitterly before he realized, 'Ok, that was a dumb idea. No wonder I get myself into all sorts of bad situations, I'm glad I had my teeth clenched or else I probably would have said it aloud to myself.'

"Ranma!!" Genma suddenly yelled, "Loosen up, if you're that tense you'll hurt yourself and Daddy doesn't want to see his little girl hurt."

'Gya! What is it with the girl thing! What is everybody's problem1?', Ranma thought silently, then aloud, "If I'm a girl then why are the Tendos letting us stay here. It's not like you would want your daughter to marry another girl, is it?"

Genma just stared at Ranma, she'd never been so disrespectful before. He sighed, this was definitely an indication that they needed a father-daughter talk, things would have been so much easier if Ranma were born a boy.

"Ranma, show some respect for your father, especially in front of the students." was all Genma said, although he did so calmly, quietly, and discreetly enough to make Ranma wonder if there was any credence to alien abductions and pod-people. "We'll talk about this later, for now though, go to your room."

Ranma made his way to the room he shared with his father, pausing only to notice something he hadn't before. There was a sign on his door, his name in English characters, just like Akane's and Nabiki's rooms. 'That's weird… I wonder when they put that there?' Ranma wondered as he entered the room.

Searching a drawer for one of his manga, one concerning the only person in life who might be able to empathize with Ranma's own predicaments, Ranma realized that none of his manga were there, only a diary. The diary was his own as it turned out, leading Ranma to wonder, "What is this!? I never kept a diary!"

Having nothing better to do Ranma sat down, opened 'his' diary and began to read. It wasn't long before Ranma closed the diary and threw it in disgust. 'That stuff about Ryoga! Gross!' Ranma shuddered, then ran out of his room to change into a guy. 'I'll never, never, dress up as a girl around him again!' Ranma avowed determinedly, then the thought of what he'd just read appeared in his mind where he was a guy… Ranma paled, it was worse! 'I'll never let myself see Ryoga again, that's it.'

Splashing hot water into his fac Ranma exited the bathroom as a guy, nearly running into his father and that got him one of those "I thought I told you to go to your room" looks that all parents seem to hone.

"Ranma, come on we'll have that talk now." Genma said as he led Ranma back to his room. Genma started to sit on the bed, then he sighed and remained standing as he spoke.

"Ranma, my daughter, I don't know what's gotten into you. Today you've been like someone totally different. You're treating me with such disrespect and… spite, really hurt me." Genma said in all honesty, looking as if he were about to cry.

Ranma stared at his father, "daughter" echoing through his mind until the rest of what his father said caught up. "D-d-daughter!? I'm a guy, see!" Ranma indicated himself angrily.

"What!? Ranma, Jusenkyo cursed you with that form when you fell in the spring of drowned man." Genma tried to explain the obvious, "Including Jusenkyo in our training trip was the worst thing I've ever done to you, I thought you had forgiven me…"

Ranma starred in shock, his dad was apologizing. "Wait, pops, if I'm a girl than prove it."

"Very well Ranma!" Genma said as he made his way to the closet and pulled out several dresses, "What would a boy be doing wearing these?", he asked rhetorically as he saw Ranma's eyes budge. Then he reached into the top shelf and pulled out a photo album and a file folder.

Genma turned to Ranma with a look of fond reminiscence. "You were such a cute little girl!" Genma said as he sat on the bed with Ranma and opened the photo album. Ranma couldn't tell any difference between these pictures and the few he'd seen before, except these seemed to have much more mild settings, and he was obviously dressed like a cute little kid.

"That doesn't prove anything… that looks like any kid," Ranma was lying to try to deny the evidence, but that hardly mattered, "you could have gotten those pictures from anybody!"

Genma smiled, he always liked proving himself right, even if it was against his own daughter. "What about this?" He asked, holding up a piece of paper form the folder. Genma smiled inwardly at this, it was the conclusive and undeniable proof that Ranma was and always had been female.

Ranma snatched it and quickly read it. "Certificate of live birth… Saotome, Ranma… FEMALE!!"

Genma nodded as he closed his eyes and handed the folder to Ranma. 'I thought Jusenkyo only affected the body, but what if it's tearing her mind apart? I can only hope that this proof will help her come back to herself.'

Opening the folder Ranma found the things of a small girl, first report card, birthday card, even an old letter from her childhood friend Ryoga. Ranma now knew it wasn't everybody else who was wrong, it was he himself who was, he'd woken up in someone else's life. 'He-heh! I'm going to have to act like a girl so I don't seem strange… at least until I find a way to get things back to normal. I need to get out of here so I can think.'

'I've got to act all girly-girl so nobody suspects me… ' Ranma thought before opening his mouth to speak. "Daddy, I need to take a walk, ok?" Ranma leaned over and kissed his fathers cheek, 'Yuck, I can't believe I'm doing this!'

Genma smiled, and breathed a relived breath that his daughter was starting to act normal again, and said "Sure! Kasumi needed us to go get some food today anyway. We can get it while we're out."

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Saotome had insisted that Ranma change back into a girl before they had left, and then Akane had wanted to come along with them, which explained why Ranma was returning to the dojo with several packs of groceries as a girl with 'her' father and Akane. Her father had been amazed at Ranma's ability to load herself up with groceries like a pack mule because he'd never seen her do anything quite that boyish while Akane simply glared and thought 'I thought I was supposed to be the tomboy.' It was this scene that was interrupted with a loud yell of challenge.

"Ranma Saotome! PREPARE TO FRY!" a female voice suddenly uttered, causing ranma to lose one of the bags he'd been carrying.

'What!?' Ranma thought as 'she' looked around frantically for the source of the challenge. 'Who said that? And isn't that supposed to be 'DIE!'?' Ranma thought as he finally found the girl that had issued the challenge and did a quick double-take.

Ukyo stood there, giant spatula strapped to her back and a big pink flower perched in her hair, ans she repeated the challenge. "Prepare to fry! Or are you so scarred that I'll beat you in a cooking contest that you forgot how to cook?"

Ranma was shocked to say the least, he'd never expected to be challenged to a cooking contest, unless somehow martial arts were involved, but as he saw Ukyo start to set up a mobile stove he quickly thought about leaving this one be, 'I can't cook, I can barely boil water… and that's only because of this stupid curse!'

Genma suddenly interrupted Ranma's thoughts with a shout of, "What are you waiting for girl! Are you going to let her get away with insulting your abilities like that!"

"But dad," Ranma tried to protest, somewhat unsuccessfully when Akane joined in encouraging him to teach that girl a lesson.

"You're always bragging about how good your cooking is and how you don't even need a cookbook!" Akane accused, adding to the pressure. 'I hope she really sticks her foot in her mouth,' Akane thought bitterly, that Ranma was a talented cook and she was not had disturbed her more than she was willing to let on.

"Alright!" Ranma yelled while thinking 'If it'll get you all to shut up and leave me alone I'll cook something.... but what?'

'Oatmeal! How can somebody screw up oatmeal?' Ranma thought as 'she' rummaged through the bags of groceries, 'Nobody likes oatmeal anyway!'

Ranma quickly brought the water to a boil then he added the oatmeal to the boiling water and began adding random items from the groceries he'd just bought. He'd quickly read the instructions, but then decided against it, leaving it to fate and the axiom that nobody liked oatmeal to be his defense when he inevitably lost.

"What are you doing?" Ukyo asked as she looked at Ranma's discarded trash, "Everyone hates oatmeal, so you're going to have to make something else if you want to beat the great Ukyo Kounji!"

Ranma completely forgot about his plan as he heard the taunt. It was predictable in the extreme to those that had met him. 'Oh yeah! There's no way I'm going to lose to a girl, Uu-chan!' Ranma thought as he pulled out a cast iron pan and began to fry pieces of bread in butter.

As ranma flipped the bread he pulled a quick Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken with a knife to slice all the mushrooms while the bread was toasting it's other side. Then to everyone else's surprise threw the bread in the air and made the sandwiches as they were falling. Though this surprised them, it was what kind of sandwich Ranma had that surprised everyone. Ranma looked down at the still clanking, and now empty jars of peanut-butter and mayonnaise. 'Oops! I was going so fast that I didn't read the labels, I thought I was making peanut-butter and jelly… and how'd those mushrooms get in there, I was going to saute them.'

"Peanut-butter, mushroom and mayonnaise… sandwiches?" Genma said to the stunned silence, 'Maybe she's not getting any better. I know she is a great cook, but that's just… weird.' Genma sighed, 'I hope she doesn't want me to taste it.'

"Alright! Here we go!" Ranma exclaimed, trying to make it looked like he was planning to do this from the beginning, "Daddy! You'll be the judge, right?"

Genma paled ans shook his head frantically while making defensive gestures, "I wouldn't be able to give a fair judgement as your father!" Genma said, 'That and I don't want to eat… whatever that stuff is.' "Sorry Ranma, but Akane would be a better choice."

Akane looked flabbergasted, how was she, practically Ranma's sister, supposed to give any better judgement than Genma would? Then she looked at the ingredients littering the ground, 'I'm not sure she's not trying to mock me with all this stuff.'

Ukyo just shrugged and said "ok" with a small aelf-satisfied smile. 'There's no way ANYBODY would like that slop!'

Akane was about to protest when a shrill cry of pure evil cought everyone's attention, "Charlotte! Charlotte, come back!!" The monestrous being cried, although it looked like a cute little girl and went by the name Azusa, it was a demon in all reality.

There were soon heard panicked "Bwee! Bwee!'s" as a small black piglet wearing a yellow and black bandana tried to outrun the harbinger of its own doom.

"Oh, no!" Ranma cried as the piglet seemed to jump straight at 'her'.

Akane turned toward Azusa and began to radiate an aura of anger. "How dare you! P-Chan's my pet!" Akane screamed as she hit Azusa across town with a mallet. Then seeming to regain some of her composure turned to get P-Chan from Ranma. Although she saw Ranma P-Chan was nowhere to be seen, neither was the water Ranma had been heating to make tea for the contest, but she was so concerned with P-Chan that she didn't register it. 'That's odd, I could have sworn P-Chan came this way…" Akane said as she looked down the street to see if she could find her pet.

In a walled in yard, right behind where Ranma had been standing, a naked boy sat dripping wet with hot water from the teapot that was sitting on his head. It had happened so fast that he didn't realize that he'd changed back for a moment. 'What happened? I was heading for Ranma and I guess I overshot. How's this kettle get here anyway?' Ryoga looked around to see if he could find his pack, or at least a change of clothes. After a few minutes he emerged wearing a red shirt and old O.D. green army pants. 'Good thing that guy was willing to sell his clothes for that money I found!'

Ranma blinked in surprise at that, he'd expected Ryoga to be in his usual yellow shirt/black pants combo, then nearly broke up laughing when Ryoga shyly started stammering about something or another. At this Ranma broke into an uncontrollable grin, Ryoga could eat anything.

"Hey, Ryoga! Would you like a bowl of oatmeal and a sandwich?" Ranma slyly asked.

Ryoga stopped stammering and thought, 'Yes! Cooking lovingly made by Ranma, just for me!' There were tears streaming down his face as he said, rather un-calmly, and almost at a yell. "Yes Ranma!"

Ranma shrugged as 'she' handed him a bowl of oatmeal and a sandwich, a peanut-butter, mushroom and mayonnaise sandwich to be exact.

Ranma, Genma, Akane, and Ukyo almost gaged as Ryoga began to eat the sandwich. Two bites into the sandwich Ryoga said that it was the best sandwich he'd had in a year, then he said he hadn't had any sandwiches in a year. After the sandwich he turned to eat the dubious looking oatmeal. Everyone held their breath as he plunged the spoon into the gooey morass and put it in his mouth.

Everyone waited expectantly, Ukyo for Ryoga to realize that he'd been poisoned, Genma for Ryoga's head to explode, and Akane and Ranma out of sheer morbid curiosity. Ryoga placed the spoon back in the bowel, looked up at Ranma and said very softly. "Ranma, I don't know how you did it but this oatmeal is great." Then he jumped up, bowel in hand and declared loudly, "Ranma Saotome is the best cook in Japan, only she could make oatmeal this good!"

Ukyo looked crushed… good oatmeal, how could that be!? Ranma Saotome was obviously a master cook, probably better than she herself would ever be. "Could I have some?" she finally asked, realizing that it would probably be the only chance to eat cooking of such caliber.

"Sure, there's plenty." Ranma shrugged as 'she' gave Ukyo a bowl.

"Ranma! Let me have some!" Akane demanded curtly, 'I don't believe that it can taste that good.'

"Um, ok, Akane." Ranma said a bit hurriedly, 'I wonder why she's so angry.'

Akane and Ukyo exchanged glances before digging into the oatmeal. Ukyo's eyes seemed to glaze and were filled with ecstasy at the taste of the oatmeal, while Akane's opened wide in horror.

"It's not fair!!" Akane wailed as she ran down the street towards the dojo, crying a stream of tears that would rival her father's. 'How can she cook such great tasting food without so much as a cookbook, and I can't even make edible cookies with thirty recipes!' She thought as her bowl settled to the ground.

Genma was curious, it didn't seem to be having any ill effect, but then again he would expect that it would be on par with Akane's cooking. Stooping down he took a spoonful of the oatmeal Akane had left and cautiously took a bite, promptly passing out from unimaginable pain and suffering as his tongue figuratively tried to kill him, his bowels melted, and his stomach tied itself in a knot to try to prevent the passage of the offensive material, failing miserably.

Ranma couldn't imagine what it tasted like so he served himself, and as Ranma tasted the oatmeal he thought it was quite good, despite the odd ingredients he'd put in it. The spinach, onion, and carrots under-cut and enhanced the avocado, strawberry, and maple syrup, resulting in a unique flavor that was actually quite good. 'This can't be right' Ranma thought, getting ready to sample one of his sandwiches.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ryoga dragged Genma, Ranma and their groceries toward where he thought the dojo was while Genma groaned and tried to thrash about but was hardly able to move his limbs and Ranma was groaning something about peanut-butter and mayonnaise. 'I wonder what's wrong with them.' Ryoga thought as he crossed the street and turned towards the cat café, it being in the opposite direction from the dojo. 'This place looks familiar… although I don't know why, and what's with the sudden feeling of dread?'

""Airen!" Shampoo shouted when she saw Ryoga, and his knees almost buckled when he heard it.

"Sh-Sha-Shampoo!" was all that Ryoga could manage.

Ranma was starting to come to, and wasn't at all sure if he was as he saw Shampoo throw her arms around Ryoga. 'Well, at least it isn't me.' he thought, until a spark of memory recalled what he'd read in that diary earlier. 'Wait… if Ryoga defeated Shampoo, then...'

"I'm free!!" Ranma didn't care that he was in a girl's body as he danced around for the sheer joy of it. 'No engagement to Akane! No engagement to Shampoo! No engagement to Ukyo!' Ranma thought in a state of bliss, 'I'm free! So what if everybody else thinks I'm a girl if I know I'm not, at least I'm free!'

"What stupid boy-girl problem?" Shampoo asked, staring at Ranma.

"Girl-boy? What do you mean by that?" Ryoga asked, so confused that, he didn't notice how Shampoo was embracing him, because if he had he would probably faint.

The point, and question were moot, when Shampoo kissed him and he fainted anyways.

It was then that Ranma say Shampoo kiss Ryoga and he felt a pang of empathy, but not nearly enough to actually do anything to help him.

"Well, come on pops, let's leave these two lovebirds alone." Ranma said as he grabbed his father and the groceries, 'Now why does that sound so familiar?' Ranma wondered as he began to drag his loads back to the dojo not realizing that those same words had been applied to himself and Ryoga not that long ago.

As Ranma turned the block Ryoga woke up with a "What? Where? Gya!!" He pried himself from shampoo and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, fervently praying for some way out of the mess when there was a flash of lightning and rumbling of thunder.

"Oh no!! Not now!" Ryoga screamed to God as he ran, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to have those thoughts about Ranma!" Ryoga silently added, 'It's not like I could either, I'd die from blood loss if I did that.' Ryoga felt his nose threaten to bleed at the image in his head.

The lightning flashed again and Ryoga jumped in surprise. If that wasn't a devine warning he didn't know what was. Maybe he should become a preacher or Rabi or something... at the sound of Shampoo's voice he revised the list, 'A priest! A catholic priest, it's forbidden for those guys to get married!'

Ryoga was so wrapped up in thought that he tripped over his pack and clothes where he'd been hit by a kid's stray water-balloon as Azusa was walking by. Ryoga shuddered at the thought of Azusa's name and hurriedly grabed his backpack and the clothes that were there and ran as fast as he could, or tried to anyway.

Shampoo had caught up to Ryoga and had, well, caught him and was now saying sweet Chinese nothings in his ear and, as Ryoga blushed when Shampoo said she liked his other pants better because they were tighter than the ones he was wearing now, vowed to only wear old Army surplus pants.

Ryoga struggled to free himself once again from the Chinese Amazon, but to no avail, when he thought up a plan that made him smile evilly. 'How could anyone love a pig?' Ryoga thought as he raced to find some cold water. He ran down street after street seeing old dumpsters, garbage piles, lawns, trees and bushes. 'Why can't I ever find cold water when I need it!?' Ryoga fiercely thought, completely forgetting about the canteen strapped to the side of his pack, and continued running with all his might while thinking of that fateful day when he was cursed to be a pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Sigh.* 'I'm lost again. I was hoping that I could find Ranma today but… I'm lost, again.' Ryoga muttered to himself not really paying attention to where he was or where he was going, if he didn't know where he was then it didn't mater which way he went. 'Dam it! Why did Mr. Saotome have to take her to China? I was almost at the back lot when they left, if only I had gotten there a day earlier I could have told her how sorry I am at what happened in school… I might even be able to tell her that I, uh, like her.' Ryoga is so lost in thought that he doesn't notice that he's passed a young redheaded girl, a tall Chinese boy with thick glasses, a Chinese guide, and Mr. Saotome.

Ryoga thought about why he was here, 'I got lost when Ranma needed me and I wasn't there to stop Gyoko from beating her up! ' Ryoga groung his teeth when he thought of Gyoko and her incessant bulling of Ranma, she'd never done anything to deserve it, and yet it seemed that he was always there to stop Gyoko from even thinking of hurting her. 'My dad told me to watch out for and take care of Ranma, and I couldn't… I was her best friend and I couldn't help her!' Ryoga felt the burn of shame and despair, at this rate he would never find Ranma and he would never be able to apologize for getting lost when she needed him. 'I was starting to think that maybe she would want to be more than friends… but if I can't even be her friend than how am I supposed to be more!'

It was a few moments before Ryoga realized he was in a village of some sort. He couldn't seem to be able to find his way out of one alley between two rickety houses with a fence blocking both ends. 'How did I get in here!?'

When Ryoga finally made it out of the alley, he saw two figures fighting on a log. Staring he thought to himself, 'No, it can't be… is that Ranma? I need to get a better look.'

As Ryoga started forward he saw that it was indeed Ranma and as he watched her he saw her jump, flip, slip and fall. Ryoga moved with as much speed as he could, pulling out his umbrella to block the clubs that were about to bludgeon Ranma.

He stared a moment at the scene, he'd done it, he had saved Ranma! When he finally blinked, he saw the girl who had been about to hurt her and for a moment instead of seeing a Chinese Amazon saw Gyoko, the bully from school who'd beat up Ranma. One quick swipe of his umbrella sent the girl, Gyoko or whoever it was flying off the log. Ryoga didn't really care, she'd been about to hurt Ranma.

He turned to Ranma and asked her if she was ok. She said she was, so Ryoga struggled to apologize for being absent when he was needed but the words wouldn't come out and he was interrupted by some girl saying something along the lines of being defeated by her true love and husband. 'That's nice, true love, husband, because he beat you…' Ryoga's eyes got big as it suddenly clicked, she was calling him her husband because he'd defeated her. 'Oh, boy. Gotta go!' Ryoga thought as he turned-tail and ran from that crazy woman.

He was lost again, running still from the persistent Amazon girl. He looked up and saw a bunch of poles sticking out of pools or small lakes. 'Great, this'll lose her!'

Ryoga jumped up to a pole and jumped from pole to pole trying to evade the girl. When he had finally made it to the other side of the feild of poles he looked back and didn't see the girl. 'Whew! My luck must be getting better!' he thought as he turned and walked off, trying to get back to Japan before, or perhaps at the same time as Ranma did. He'd been traveling for several hours until the sun started to sink down to the horizon and he decided to make camp for the day.

Setting his pack down he set up camp and was going to get some water from the canteen strapped to the side of his backpack when he noticed some unique landscape he'd seen earlier that day. There were little banks of mist but it was still recognizable, the bamboo poles sticking out of the pools of water were quite unique. It didn't surprise him, but it was a bit disappointing, that he'd been traveling in circles for the past couple of hours.

Ryoga stood up and took several steps to the edge of the cliff he was on and looked out at the landscape, it was bleak yes, but it held it's own beauty. Ryoga's thoughts were interrupted by a noise that made him jump in startlement, a purple cat had just meowed. It was when Ryoga landed that everything had happened. The cliff broke away and he fell down into one of the pools below.

He was sure he was going to die when he found he couldn't swim, but at what seemed to him to be the last minute something had grabbed him and had taken him from the pool, only to prepare him for dinner he soon found out. That was the day Ryoga Hibiki became thrice cursed. Once for his sense of direction, twice for his shyness around girls, especially his true love, and thrice with the body of a pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ranma was just getting to the dojo when 'she' felt a sudden drop in barometric pressure, a sure sign of rain. 'No, not Rain! Oh, wait, I'm already in my girl body. I guess it doesn't matter if it rains now.'

Ranma turned as he heard the sound of feet running toward him and recognized Ryoga and Shampoo barreling down at him as cold rain burst from the clouds overhead with a vengeance. Ranma's eyes went wide in panic as he saw the cat and tried to run away. Unfortunately it was right into the closed door of the Tendo dojo.

Genma, barely conscious as he was, saw the cat as well, and exhibited a similar response, jumping to his panda feet, started trying to climb the wall, with the same amount of success as Ranma had in running away.

Oddly enough Ryoga had a similar reaction as well. 'Gya! You! You were the one responsible for my curse! If I didn't want to marry you before I bloody-hell absolutely don't wish to now!' Ryoga thought as he tried to run and escape his tormentor.

Unfortunately for the two Saotome men, Ryoga just kept running around them, being followed by Shampoo who scared the pants off the two martial artists.

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Authors Note: There's a friend of the family that eats peanut-butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. He swears that they're actually quite good, but I ain't touching one if I can help it. And no, the oatmeal simply magnifies what the person eating it believes it will taste like, so if you thought it would me good it would be great, if you thought it would be bad… then horrible wouldn't begin to describe your awful suffering and torment.

rookie-otaku365 - ::facefaults:: WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS IS GOING ON HERE!?!

If you are referring to the story style, then the answer is my *UNIQUE* , read: Warped & Twisted, sense of humor. If you are referring to the how and why-for of the story I refer you to the answer below.

dogbertcarroll - So how did they both switch sides at once?

The 'Spacial Disruption Artillery Shell' disrupts reality in such a way that there is a transference of volume between two universes, e.g. spatial disruption. Think of it this way, you have two decks of hoyle cards, both the same except one deck has a red back and the other has a blue back. Now we choose a card to represent the Ranma of either universe, the Jack of Diamonds say, and switch them. The decks are complete and fully functional except that the Jack of Diamonds has the back of the other color indicating that it belongs in the other deck. Simple, no?

Comments & Criticisms are welcome.

efish@cs.nmsu.edu