||Chapter 4|| Please Don't Feed Monsters
Akane was somewhat relived upon hearing Nabiki explain that Ranma and Ryoga had been fighting, she was, however upset that her sister had hidden it from her, in the hope that she could blackmail Ranma no less. It didn't surprise her that Nabiki would do it, she'd however had hoped better of her sister.
'Ah, well it's no use trying to change what you can't.' Akane uncharacteristically thought with a sigh as she brought her cup of hot tea to her lips. "I see. I'm glad that it's all drug induced and that we have nothing to worry about because it'll wear off soon, right?"
Had the male Ranma been there he would have thought something along the lines of 'Uh-oh! Akane's acting calm… this can't be good.' As it was, the female Ranma that had taken his place was probably still in the dojo, trying to make plans for her approaching wedding.
"I mean, we don't have to worry about Ranma actually marrying Ryoga, do we?" Akane asked, placing her sister in the hot-seat.
"No, of course Ranma won't go through with the marriage." Nabiki stated just as both the person in question and Soun Tendo entered the room.
"Of course I'm going to 'go through' with the marriage to Ryoga!" Ranma excitedly declared to the room, finishing off with a cheerful "Sure daddy arranged it, but he's such a nice boy!"
Soun Tendo promptly turned purple at hearing this, and while vein that was bulging on his forehead couldn't bee good for his health, it added to the effect when he suddenly yelled "Saotome!!" thinking 'What did you do now!?' before he blacked out.
* * * * * * * * * *
In the public library Genma Saotome, of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, suddenly looked up from the book he was reading and, hitting his head on the table he was hiding under and winced slightly.
"That's odd. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a single voice suddenly cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced…" Genma thought aloud, staring at a point in space for a moment before returning to his reading, 'Oh well, I'm sure it was nothing. Nothing I need to worry about anyway'
* * * * * * * * * *
Sasuke, loyal manservant of the Kuno household, had been on a spying mission from his lord Kuno. The ninja had seen the odd proposal in the dojo when he'd been hiding in the ceiling looking down at the Tendos, Ranma, and that Hibiki boy. He now rushed along one of the city streets to inform his master of the disturbing debacle we'd just seen. It was quite probably the strangest thing he'd ever witnessed, and coming from someone in Ranma's life that was saying something.
'I wonder how master Kuno will reward my with this information?' Sasuke thought as we made his way to the Kuno estate when his belly rumbled in hunger. 'I wonder if master Kuno will finally give me some food…'
Sasuke stopped in his tracks, 'I need to eat sometimes, too. I'll tell master Kuno, but first lets see of this information can get me a meal… or two.' Sasuke thought, suddenly daydreaming about having, not one, but two meals in the same week… heaven on earth to the poor, starving, and somewhat underappreciated ninja retainer.
Sasuke snapped out of his day dream as his belly rumbled again, reminding him that the last real meal he'd had, not counting the cookie he'd found under the kitchen sink and the cucumber peelings in their trash, had been almost ten days ago. Looking up he saw a familiar sight, an okonomoyaki restaurant named after the proprietor, Uuchan's.
"Well, here's as good a place to start as any." Sasuke said to himself as he entered.
Moments later Ukyo was cooking with speeds that rivaled Ranma's 'Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken' technique. Slopping the nearly raw okonomoyaki in front of the diminutive ninja. "There! Now tell me what you know about this wedding of Ranma's!" She demanded in a way that left him in terror of a spatula hitting him upside the head.
"O-o-ok, j-just don't h-hurt me… p-please?" Sasuke pleaded until he saw her nod once.
"Ranma just suddenly proposed," Sasuke paled as he saw the grip tighten on her giant spatula and suddenly finished, discarding all the embellishments he'd been planning, "to Ryoga!"
Ukyo fell over as she heard that, "Ryoga!?" was all she could say for several moments while Sasuke explained the scene he'd observed, or tried to describe it anyway.
Ukyo was moving mechanically after he finished telling her, it would take a while for her mind to register it all. She looked down at Sasuke's plate, saw it empty and started to make oknomoyaki for him, forgetting that she'd already payed him.
Needless to say when Sasuki finally left Uuchan's he was quite full and had even saved some of the oknomoyaki for later, it wouldn't do for him to get so caught up in the moment that he starved himself to death in the future.
'Wow, those okonomoyaki were great, and they were even better cooked!' Sasuke thought as he walked slowly toward the kuno estate, stuffed for the first time in close to ten years when he saw the Cat Café, he wasn't hungry at all, but maybe he could arrange a deal for food at a later date when he was.
Changing his direction he made his way to the café. The Amazons were, if anything, more possessive of Ranma than Ukyo was, in his opinion and they would almost certainly give him a week's worth of free meals for this information. Smiling at the thought of seven meals in a week Sasuke tried to get the attention of of one of the Chinese people, "Excuse me?" He was nearly bowled over by Shampoo and Mousse as they rushed to serve their customers, who apparently didn't hear him.
"Excuse me?" Sasuke tried again, was bowled over as they rushed back, Shampoo to get more orders, and Mousse with a load of dishes.
"Excuse me!!" Sasuke finally shouted, drawing the attention of everyone in the café. While he was a bit embarrassed with having everyone looking at him, he continued with his announcement, stammering a little. "I-I have s-some information I'd like to sell… in e-exchange for food."
The customers returned to their meals as Cologne came to do business with the small ninja, well almost all of them, Hiroshi and Daisuke were sitting at a nearby table and while Hiroshi was watching unobtrusively, Daisuke was straining his ears to hear what would undoubtably liven up their pathetically boring existence, which Daisuke had once described is as 'it's like were some sort of small background characters, with no lives of our own, in some epic story that revolves around Ranma.' Hiroshi had thought it an absurd idea, 'bit-characters… really?'
"Well now," Cologne said, smiling at the small ninja, "What makes you think I'd be interested in this information?"
"Ah, well, its about Ranma…" Sasuke started nervously. 'I hadn't realized how intense this old woman was. Its a bit frightening the way she's looking at me with those eyes.'
"Go on." was all that Cologne needed to say.
"Well… I just heard Ranma planning the wedding, next week." Sasuke gulped as he knew what would be coming next.
"Oh, so, son-in-law has finally decided to obey Amazon laws and marry Shampoo." Cologn half stated, half asked, "I'm so happy you've given us time to prepare."
Sasuke started, "Well, no, you see… Ranma's marrying Ryoga." Sasuke finished as Daisuke fell out of his chair, causing Sasuke and Cologne to look his direction and wonder if he'd been eavesdropping.
In an inspired move, Daisuke quickly shouted "You jerk Hiroshi!" as he threw a salt shaker into his friend's head, toppeling the other from his own chair.
Cologne smiled as she looked back to Sasuke, clearly the two boys were just fighting, as all young boys did. 'If I were two-hundred and fifty years younger…' Cologne thought as she looked at Daisuke's rear again before continuing her conversation with Sasuke.
"Ryoga, you don't say?" Cologne asked with a calmness she didn't especially feel, but then at her age it wasn't particularly wise to get oneself riled up. 'This would be news indeed, but I'll wager he's just making things up to try'n get free food.'
'How can she be taking this so calmly?' Sasuke thought to himself. "Um, yes… now about my food…"
"Two lunches a week, for a year." Cologne said calmly, adding the qualifier "If it turns out to be true." Cologne dismissed the diminutive ninja as she returned to the Cat Cafe's regular business, thinking 'Lord knows the Kunos treat him badly enough, but I really can't condone such dishonesty.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Sasuke reached the Kuno estate elated, the thought of food for a year was mind-boggling to the ninja. 'But wasn't it rather unfaithful of you to sell this information to others first?' Sasuke asked himself.
'No, of course not!' Sasuke replied, 'It's not like we won't tell him about this strange turn of events.'
'But, it's master Kuno! He should have been the first to know.' Sasuke responded, 'we could have still sold it to the others, if only after giving the information to master kuno.'
'But then that overblown buffoon would run around town wailing "my beloved pig-tailed girl" or something along those lines ruining any chance of your selling the information, and you wouldn't be any better off now, would you?'
'Well, no, I suppose…' Sasuke suddenly realized, to his own mortification, that he was agreeing with that treasonous little voice. 'Oh, no! I've got to find master Kuno and beg his forgiveness!' Sasuke broke into a run, all the while thinking of worse and worse outcomes of his meeting with Tatewake Kuno, until he finally reached his beloved master, falling on his face with a "Master Kuno!!"
Tatewake Kuno, oftentimes called the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, though only by himself, turned away from the two posters on the wall to see what Sasuke wanted, wondering for a moment what could be more important than the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo.
Sighing, Kuno looked back at the posters while Sasuke babbled, whatever it was could wait until he had made a decision. Akane Tendo or the pig-tailed girl… they were just so… 'Argh!! What cruel fate is this? Why must I be tormented to have two true loves? Thought in truth I am more than enough for the both of them! But still, a decision must be reached!' Gritting his teeth, Kuno tried, he really did to make a decision. He would never admit it to anyone, but he was terrified of making the wrong decision. Every time he was about to settle on one he would envision it being better with the other and so would change his mind again. This was some cruel trick of fate, it had to be, to plague him, Tatewake Kuno, with indecisiveness. Sighing lord Kuno put the argument and the definitive decision away for a later date, he would listen to what Sasuke had to say now. 'At least I will be able to act decisively on the news he brings.'
"Sasuke, tell me your report, and this time do it so I can understand you." Kuno said cooly, completely missing the point that Sasuke could have been speaking clearly all along while he wasn't paying attention.
Looking up from his abasement Sasuke blurted out "The pig-tailed girl, master Kuno, she's getting married!" He had said it bluntly and it had condensed his report into one sentence, but on the other hand it got master Kuno's attention.
"WHAT!?" Kuno yelled, nearly blowing away his small manservant with the sheer force of the yell. "When, and to whom!?"
"N-next week, Master Kuno." Sasuke said, trying not to grimace as he added asprin to the list of things to get, "To Ryoga Hibiki."
Kuno's jaw dropped as he imagined his pig-tailed goddess, beautifully dressed no doubt, marrying that puny peasant, well he wasn't puny, but that didn't diminish the fact that he wasn't good enough for the fiery-haired vixen. Grabbing Sasuke by his clothes Kuno demanded to know where the redheaded girl was.
"The Tendo dojo, master Kuno." Sasuke replied, not even finishing the word 'master' before Kuno was rushing off to rescue her from the plights he knew she must be in to wed that Hibiki fellow.
[Commercial Break: Ryoga is wandering a maze of bookshelves, always keeping his right hand on one of the shelves. The camera zooms out and above to show that he keeps walking around the same bookshelf.]
[Commercial Return: Ryoga get's fed up with the library's incomprehensible maze of books in straight rows and starts Baksai Tenketsuing through bookshelves. Getting carried away he hits a fish tank that is above Genma's hiding place, causing water to spray everywhere. When it clears P-Chan stares remorsefully while the panda just glares at him.]
"Ryoga Hibiki!! Wherefor durst thou steal the heart of the beautiful pig-tailed girl away from your upstanding betters!? Prepare thyself to pay dearly for your insubordinate transgressions!" Tatewake Kuno yelled as he burst through the door bokken at the ready.
Everyone stared at Kuno for a moment until Nabiki calmly asked "You're going to pay for that door, right, Kuno baby?"
"Of course I am." Kuno replied calmly, then turned to Ryoga with an angry shout of "Thinkest thou canst have the beauteous red-haired, tree-born, kettle girl without a fight?"
Ryoga looked up at him, blinking as he tried to make sense of Kuno's muddled speech with his muddled head. "I'm not sure, could you ask me that again?"
Kuno was caught off balance for a moment so he thought about it, 'It would not be becoming of such a noble and honorable man as myself to snap at those pitiful creatures of less intellect than I.' Then replied. "You must take her from me in fair and honorable combat or you are nothing but a thief!"
Ryoga caught the combat and thief parts, "I'm no thief!" Ryoga shouted as he loosened a headband to try to think better, his head was pounding right now.
Recognizing Ryoga's fighting style, Kuno leapt into action swinging his wooden sword at Ryoga's head.
Ranma gasped, fearing for her dear Ryoga's safety, Kasumi let out one of her trademark "Oh, dear!"s and Akane just sighed as she sipped her tea, she'd expected this as soon as Kuno had burst through the door.
Ryoga stumbled out of the war of the swing, trying to get the headband in his hand to respond to his razor-cloth technique. Dodging the wooden sword several more times before giving up on the limp piece of cloth in his hand Ryoga had quite unintentionally led Kuno out the back and was heading straight for the fish pond.
Kuno couldn't believe it, the Hibiki boy was dodging his attacks and waving his bandana in what was an obviously mocking gesture toward Kuno's own bokken. Yelling in rage as he leapt into the air to gain more force for his downward strike Kuno was totally unprepared for what happened next. There he was one second, and gone the next as he fell back into the koi pond, kuno followed soon after, pushing Ryoga's now empty clothes into the mud as he fell into the pond.
P-Chan climbed out of the other side of the pond, and while everyone was distracted ran into the dojo looking for his pack… or would have as he found himself in the kitchen.
"Where is he!?" Kuno asked loudly of everyone and no-one in particular. "Cures that sorcerer Saotome! I should have figured that Hibiki was his apprentice, the way he always disappears for weeks on end!"
While everyone was wondering what exactly had happened to Ryoga, nobody wanted to talk to Kuno in his state. He seemed to be losing what little grip on sanity he had, it really was a very tragic story.
As it was Ryoga didn't need to go back to the dojo to change back to a human. He thanked God that Kasumi had left the kettle on, it had been rather difficult to upend the kettle on himself but the little that did slop onto him was enough to transform him.
Ryoga was steamed now, even though he'd taken pains not to be seen getting out of the pool in front of Akane and that cute red-head, Kuno was still responsible for the incident, and he would pay, Ryoga angrily thought as he stalked out the door, kettle in hand, to face Kuno, forgetting for the moment that he was wearing only a bandana.
The moment Ryoga stepped out the door he was hit by a flying body, or rather used as a springboard by said body as it laughed a truly evil laugh sending shivers into everyone's bodies.
The vile little creature called out, with a voice that sounded like a cross between a frog and a goat, "Ranma!" Happosai yelled in a voice too dry and scratchy to be called a shriek, nonetheless it sent even worse shivers than previously caused by his laugh which was only as bad as the sound
caused by somebody scraping their fingernails across a chalkboard, oddly enough, as the perverted, shrunken, and obnoxious old man clamped onto Ranma's bosom.
Kuno, caught completely off guard by the newcomer, tried to register what was happening, he really did. After taking a calming breath he surveyed the situation, Mr. Tendo was looking on in abject terror as his three daughters tried to keep him from going into a full-blown panic, the old man was pressing his face into the pig-tailed girl's breasts, and there was Ryoga Hibiki was laying unconscious and naked on the ground next to the kitchen door with a tea kettle in his hand. Wait, what was that loathsome old, shriveled, creep doing!?
"Gya! What is this thing!?!" Ranma screeched, trying futilely to remove this strange old, coot that had suddenly assaulted her womanly goods. "Get it off, get it off… GET, IT, OOOOOFF!!"
Kuno twitched, for a moment, rage building up to levels that made Mr. Tendo look calm. "HOW DARE YOU!!" He shouted as he leapt toward the small figure, intending to rescue the damsel in distress.
All he got for his effort was Happosai's pipe in the gut and followed by an awful uppercut that sent him flying into the background. Happosai looked up at Ranma "What? Are you saying you don't love your master 'Happy' anymore?" Happosai looked like he was gong to cry, probably in happiness from all the despair and mortification rolling off of Ranma.
Ranma looked down at the vile loathsome thing that had latched onto her. It was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen in her life, and she'd seen Akane's cooking,. She closed her eyes and screamed. "Help me Ryoga! Somebody, anybody… please help me."
Ranma was about two seconds from breaking down into uncontrollable tears when suddenly Happosai was knocked away with a loud metallic Clang!! accompanying the flying martial artist. Ranma almost collapsed in relief as she looked into her rescuer's face. Ryoga stood there, the broken handle of the teakettle in his right hand and his left clutching the arms of his shirt holding it up as a makeshift loincloth.
Ranma jumped up to him and hugged him something fiercely as she kissed him full on the mouth, "Thank you Ryoga!" she said, still hugging the frozen martial artist.
As this was happening, Happosai pried himself out of the crater in the wall above the koi pond his impact had made, and promptly fell into the koi pond. "Why you!" was all that he said as he pulled himself out of the pool, clutching the bowl-like remnants of the teakettle. "Take this!" He shouted hurling the water into the kissing pair.
Everyone stared at one of the couple, Ryoga, Nabiki and Mr. Tendo at the now male Ranma, while Ranma, Kasumi and Akane stared at the black piglet 'he' was holding. Ryoga looked like he was trying not to turn blue.
"Ryoga!!" Akane and Ranma exclaimed at the simultaneously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Authors Note: If you place your hand on the wall of a maze (or any room, for that matter) as you enter it and follow it along without lifting your hand you'll always find the exit… if you put your hand on a pillar or something else you effectively walk in circles.
Raen - This is a great story, I hope you update soon.
And
Verse12- I laughed so hard, this is a great fic. and I cant wait for more.
Ok, how's this? Soon enough? I hope you like it and I'm absolutely delighted to hear that you're enjoying what I've put up so far. However, I'm going to take it a bit easier on this fic and concentrate on the two others I'm doing now. (Yes! It's true, I'm working on another fic besides this one and "Ryoga's Wife", but I'm not going to post it until I get all the intros done… and maybe a couple of chapters as well.) That and I don't want to "burn myself out" on this one, I'm having too much fun writing it.
neminx - You made that shell theory up out of hole cloth didn't you?
What shell theory? The two decks example? Um, I don't understand… I'm so confused.
Comments & Criticisms are welcome.
efish@cs.nmsu.edu