Motion Picture Soundtrack
I think you're crazy. Maybe, I think you're crazy
Disclaimer: You knew it was coming, I don't see why you're so disapointed. ahem... I do not, in any way own Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Radiohead, Thom Yorke, the song Motion Picture Soundtrack, the poem 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' by Lewis Carroll, or the poem 'I met a man who wasn't there', by Hughes Mearns. Thank you. I will stop typing in bold now.
On a minor note- in the highly unlikly event that Lemony reads this... I appologise if I get your character wrong, Mr. Snicket. it is very hard, as I'm sure you know, to sketch someone's personality when all you have are some books, a few strange letters and depressingly sad dedications to a dead person.
To my dear Curtis
'Love will tear us apart',
But really, it was a blender,
two pies, and a Masquerade.
on to the story then
- - - -
It was a grey and dark day in the seaside city. Not 'dark day' as in 'this is a terrible day', but as in 'very, very, very cloudy, with almost ninety-six and fifteen hundredths percent chance of rain'. Alone on the beach, a figure stood resolutely. Resolutely here means 'stubbornly stood on the sand and watched the sea, even though the ocean water was washing up over his shoes and making his feet very cold.'
If anyone was on the beach standing next to him, they would have heard him mumbling to himself, or maybe to someone he thought was there, but wasn't due to a terrible accident which occurred several long years ago. Whatever the cause, the absent person was not answering (as absent people often do), and so the lone character decided to walk along the beach, still ignoring the cold water washing over his doubly cold shoes which enclosed his thrice cold feet.
"Beatrice," he stated, beginning to walk along the shoreline. "Do you ever wonder what would've happened if that terrible accident had not happened?"
He imagined her answering, and smiled grimly at his own foolishness.
"If I hadn't said anything to you at the Masquerade at the Royal Duchess's extensive grounds, what then?" he continued, but still no answer came. He sighed in surrender. "It's been so many years, dear Beatrice, I can't let you go all at once..."
"Why do you torture yourself, Lemony? It doesn't do you any good to grieve," a voice from behind stated gently.
Swiftly, Lemony turned around, surprised more than anything that someone answered, even though it was not the right voice. The figure before him (perhaps one should say 'behind him', because the voice came after Lemony, rather than before) was cloaked in a long, dark brown, corduroy coat, wrapped tightly around the person to keep the cold out, from underneath the coat, a pair of tatty, a word which means 'worn out and well loved', black boots peaked out. On the character's head sat a worn, black top hat.
"Varlet!" he said, even more surprised. "What on earth are you doing here?"
"Well, above all, I needed a break. And right underneath that, I thought I'd come visit you, it's been years you know, and I heard you were out here in this small city," Varlet answered, tipping her top hat to her old friend.
"Well it's lovely to see you again," Lemony replied. "Mind walking a bit?"
"Not at all, it sounds wonderful," Varlet said as the pair began walking again. "How is the what's it case coming? No, that's not right... Ah! Baudelaire! How's the Baudelaire case coming along?"
"Oh it's alright. Dreadful, as you can imagine, but it is my sworn duty and I must see that every single detail I find is published, no matter how gruesome, unpleasant, horrific, shocking, or ghastly it is," Lemony said, a tad forlornly. Forlornly here means 'wishing he had chosen a better and much more pleasant occupation'. "But how is that project you were working on? That was quiet a task you undertook, if I remember correctly."
"It's going. I can't say it's going well, but it's going and that's something. I've been drinking quite a lot of tea and coffee lately. I discovered a rather nice café in town," Varlet said, just as forlornly.
"Oh? What's it called? I may have been there, or at least heard of it..." Lemony asked.
"I believe it's called something like... Very Fine Drinks," Varlet replied.
"What?!" Lemony looked up at Varlet, alarmed and triply surprised.
"I'm teasing," she said, smiling slightly. "It's called the Striped Cat, and it has nothing to do with V.F.D."
Ah.. I see.." Lemony said, looking down at the wet and squishy sand.
"Hey, aren't your feet cold?" Varlet, who was also looking down at the sand, asked.
"Probably," Lemony answered.
Varlet continued combing the sand for pieces of sea glass while Lemony hummed a dismal tune. Yes, it was good to see each other again, but neither of them could think of anything to say, despite the long distance of time that passed between their visits. Dismal here means 'depressing and melancholy'.
Finally, after quite a while of listening to the dismal humming of Lemony and the squishy sound of sand beneath their feet and the ocean roaring, Varlet decided to try making conversation again.
"I heard the second-to-last-safe-headquarters-in-the-mountains was burned down..." Varlet stated.
"Yeah, it was..." Lemony replied, almost at a loss for words.
"Shame... It was really pretty up there.. Or so I hear, I never actually got to go there, not even in times of peace." Varlet said wistfully, a word which means "wishing she had gone to see it when she had the chance".
"Yes, it was beautiful.. If you went to see it now, all you'd see is a pile of black ash and rubble," Lemony said, despondently. Despondently here means "hopelessly miserable".
Varlet, not being able to think of anything to say in reply, fell silent again. At length, Lemony's feet began to lose contact with the rest of him, so he decided this would be a good time to get some tea, or coffee, or another hot beverage.
"Fancy some tea?" he asked, sensing his left foot begin to lose feeling.
"Sure," Varlet said, her left foot was perfectly fine, although it was a little sandy inside the left boot.
"Lovely.. Because I think my feet are going numb..." Lemony said, now feeling his right foot lose all senses.
Varlet laughed. "Why didn't you say something earlier?" She asked, her right foot feeling fine and dandy.
"Well it's hard to tell if your feet are going numb. Especially when the rest of you is cold," Lemony said, both feet now losing complete sense of touch all together.
"Will you be alright, then?" Varlet asked, knowing from personal experience what it's like to have both feet numb and having to walk somewhere with those numb feet.
"I should be. But I might sprain my ankle, in which case you'll have to carry me until we find a place with wheelchairs for sale-- and I expect you to buy one for me," Lemony joked as they slowly made their way back to solid ground.
Finally, Varlet and Lemony reached the sidewalk. It was a nice change to be walking on concrete instead of the squishy sand that was without any traction, a phrase which means 'very hard to walk on without losing your balance'.
Varlet led Lemony through the city and down a series of "shortcuts", much to Lemony's dismay and against his better judgement. Nevertheless, she continued walking down the "shortcuts", insisting that they would get there faster and not listening to Lemony's constant protests and his doubtful "Varlet, you're going to get us lost...." Fianlly, proving his statement to be correct, Varlet did get them lost. However, Lemony was an exceptional navigator and was able to return them to their original sequence, a phrase which here means 'he was able to get them on the right path again.' Shortly after this, they arrived at the Striped Cat. Varlet chose a small table in the back. There was a hat rack a little ways from their table, so Lemony removed his hat and hung it upon one of it's hooks. He sat in a chair across the table from Varlet, who had also hung her hat, along with her coat.
"Here, take this, it's a menu," Varlet said, handing him a laminated paper from the table.
"Oh, alright then," Lemony said taking the laminated paper and perusing it. "Have you had the striped coffee?"
"Oh yes, it's lovely. But I also recommend their specialty, cinnamon tea," Varlet said, pointing to the cinnamon tea on the menu.
"Ah..." Lemony nodded. "I'm in the mood for coffee... But thank you."
"I didn't realise this was a sad occasion," Varlet said when the waiter walked up.
"Excuse me?" he said in a confused voice.
"Oh, nothing, I was just testing you," she said, smiling as if what she had said was the most natural thing in the world. "You passed!"
"Um... Okay..." the waiter said, still rather dumfounded. The word 'dumbfounded' does not in fact mean he was born to rather dim-witted parents, but that he was still extremely confused. After a moment, he remembered that he was still on his work shift. "May I take your order?"
"Yes, thank you," Lemony replied, giving a subtle reprimanding glance at Varlet, who grinned innocently in reply. "I would like a cup of your striped coffee, please."
"Ok... And for you, miss?" the waiter looked over to Varlet.
"I'd like a cup of your cinnamon tea, please," Varlet said, leaning on the table, and placing her chin her on clasped hands.
"Alright, I'll have those up for you in a few minutes," the waiter said as he left the table.
"Hey Lemony, how is Jacques? I haven't seen him in ages," Varlet inquired.
Lemony looked uncomfortable as soon as the words had left Varlet's mouth. He was silent for a while, glancing out the widow every now and then.
"They have wonderful carpet, did you notice it?" Lemony said nervously.
Varlet was about to reply and ask why he was avoiding the question when at that same moment, the waiter came back with their tea and coffee.
"Here you are, sir," the waiter said placing the coffee in front of Lemony. "And for you miss," as you might've already guessed, he placed a cup of cinnamon tea in front of Varlet.
"Thank you," Lemony said, still gazing at the carpet. As you know, it is rude to not look at a person when you are talking to them but Lemony seemed to forget that small fact.
"Thanks," Varlet said, a little confused at Lemony, but she looked up to the waiter and smiled politely.
"You're welcome," the waiter said, and he turned on his heel and left Varlet and Lemony alone once more.
"Ok, Lemony. What's wrong?" Varlet said before sipping her tea.
"Um... Varlet.. There's something I need to tell you.." Lemony said uneasily.
After he did not continue, Varlet prompted him. "Yes?" she said, equally uneasy now.
"Jacques... Well... He's.." Lemony stumbled around for words, figuratively. "He's no longer with us."
"You mean he left V.F.D.?" Varlet asked, not understanding.
"No... Varlet, he's dead," Lemony said as gently as he could. But if you have ever lost anyone you loved very much, you know there is no way of hearing those words gently, and if you haven't you can't imagine what it feels like, and I hope you never experience it first hand.
Varlet looked dazed as she set her cup of tea down. "Ah..." was all she could muster to say, and she put her head in her hands. "They have wonderful carpet, did you see?"
"Oh Varlet..." Lemony reached across the table and placed a hand on Varlet's shoulder. "I'm sorry..." he whispered.
Varlet said nothing. She took a sip of her tea. "It's not your fault..."
The two friends sat quietly, each one not knowing what to say to the other. At length, Lemony looked up.
"Say, how about we get these drinks to-go and go for another walk? We can walk on the cement this time," Lemony suggested.
"Ok..." Varlet replied, wiping her slightly tear-stained cheeks with her shirt's sleeve.
Lemony called their waiter over. "Excuse me, could we get these to-go, please?" he inquired.
"Yes, you sure can, sir" their waiter said obligingly. He took their cups and left the table.
In a few minutes he returned with two styrofoam cups, each with it's own lid.
"Here you are," he said, placing them on the table. "And here is your receipt for when you're ready to pay."
"Thanks," Lemony said, picking up the small paper the waiter had left behind.
Now this receipt, like any other receipt, had a list of what they had ordered, along with the corresponding prices and the adding of tax. But the very odd thing about this particular receipt was that there was something else written on it, other than prices.
"Look, it's a line from Poe's 'The Bells'!" Lemony exclaimed, handing the receipt to Varlet. And indeed, there was a line from 'The Bells',
To the swinging and the ringing
Of the bells, bells, bells--
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells--
To the rhyming and the chiming of the bells!
"You're right!" Varlet said, equally astounded. "And look, underneath that, it says. 'Meet me at the location below.' Curiouser and curiouser!"
Scrawled on the bill, underneath the words 'Meet me at the location below' were excerpts from poems, but something seemed quite wrong when Lemony read them out.
"Yesterday in some lady's hair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
I met him there again today.
God I wish he'd go away."
"Now that doesn't sound right! Read the next one, Lemony, maybe that'll make more sense... " Varlet said when he had finished.
"'O Oysters come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
And a lovely toaster for each.' "
"No, no, no! That's all wrong," Varlet, who was quite the avid reader of Lewis Carroll poems, stated. "It goes, 'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the Briny Beach.'!"
"Varlet!" Lemony said excitedly, "That's it!"
"What's it?" she asked, quite confused.
"We're supposed to use the Verse Fluctuation Declaration code! We have to meet this person somewhere at Briny Beach. That's a few miles north of here," Lemony explained. "Remember? The Verse Fluctuation Declaration replaces lines of poetry that deliver a message with different lines, so if the message fell into the wrong hands, whoever got it would think that the sender was just being silly. In this case, the line 'Along the briny beach' is replaced with 'A lovely toaster for each'.
"Oh.. I remember now! But... What does the first poem mean?" Varlet said, pondering the line 'Yesterday in some lady's hair'.
"Let me see.. I had that one memorised for a while..." Lemony thought out loud. He thought for a few minutes, racking his brain for the real first verse of the poem. "Ah! 'Yesterday upon the stair'! Don't you see?" Lemony said when Varlet didn't put it together. "The stair along Briny Beach! That's where we're supposed to go."
"Oh..." Varlet said, thinking it through. "Oh! Well let's go then!"
"Alright, but first, we should pay," Lemony said responsibly.
"Right, of course," Varlet said, rising from her chair.
She took her hat and coat from the hat rack, and handed Lemony his hat. The two made their way to the counter by the door. Their waiter was the one at the cash register. He winked.
"It's on the house," he said.
"Thanks," Lemony replied with a smile.
Varlet grinned and waved to their helpful waiter, who was even more helpful than a normal waiter, and she and Lemony exited. The two friends flagged down the nearest taxi they could and sped off towards Briny Beach.
I do hope you enjoyed this update. I'm not sure what happens next, but I will write it down as soon as I find out and post it here. Thanks,
--the Rogue of Dark Avenue