Disclaimer: Good god, people! You are never happy! Let me spell it out in
SMALL words: We... own... NOTHING... having... to... do... with... Harry
Potter. Get it? Got it? Good. I'm not saying it again. Well... I guess I
have to, as all of the chapters have to have disclaimers. CURSES!
~*~*~ Chapter Seven: Howlers: An Important Part of a Balanced Hogwarts Breakfast ~*~*~
As of yet, the halls of Hogwarts had been relatively quiet this fine Sunday morning. And needless to say, all of the students were wondering what the bloody hell was going on.
Lucius Malfoy could be seen casually strolling the corridor before the Slytherin Common Room, a tooth brush as usual stuck in his mouth. Severus Snape was spotted near the third floor, skulking and moaning something about gravy in his underwear; no one dared to ask. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were seen dragging themselves sleepily into the Great Hall...
And the infamous Padfoot and Moony were nowhere to be found. First sign of trouble.
Second sign of trouble: Sirius was not stuffing his face. The Marauders wouldn't miss breakfast for the world.
Luckily for Hogwarts. though, Sirius and Remus strode nonchalantly into the Hall five minutes into breakfast with no incident. They both plopped down at the far side of the Staff Table, stifling yawns and scratching their heads lazily. What had they been up to the night before to make them tired? Again, no one dared to ask.
For the most part, breakfast was a relatively peaceful affair. (Gotten through with only one spoonful of oatmeal flung at Snape when he entered, a small ball of fluff that ran around biting people that came from Sirius's direction and McGonagall's hair turning a variety of different colors, including hot pink, neon green and something resembling "I love Remus Lupin" which induced a prompt smacking of Sirius's head.)
Remus gulped down the last bit of his bacon and glanced up as owl after owl came swooping in. "Siri! SIRI!" He smacked Sirius on the back of the head to get his attention, "Take a look at that crimson letter comin' your way, mate."
Sirius looked up and choked on his pumpkin juice. Not one, not two, but THREE blood red howlers were soaring in his general direction.
"Eep," he whimpered.
At the precise moment that he was going to make fun of his friend, a large tawny owl landed in Remus's oatmeal. "Oi!" he yelped in surprise, plucking the bird out of his bowl before it could do anything to defile his breakfast.
Sirius snickered, but it was cut short as his three howlers were plopped down in front of him and the owls fled in terror. Sirius smiled sweetly at Remus, "Er... how 'bout YOU go first, buddy?"
"Wuss..." Remus muttered, opening his letter, reading it and then promptly flinging a roll at Snape's head as soon as he was done.
"Ooh!" Sirius chirped annoyingly, "What'd the greasy git write?"
Remus handed the letter to Sirius, still glaring daggers at Snape, who was cowering away from him at the far side of the table.
Sirius read:
LUPIN!
Don't let me catch you out of your office tonight! If you harm any of my students I will immediately neuter you! AND Black for letting you! However, if you simply MUST go and slaughter a few juicy students, do be kind enough to head up to Gryffindor Tower.
Thank you,
Severus Snape
Immediately after reading this, an apple left Sirius's hand and was sent flying over the other teachers' heads to make direct contact with Snape's nose, knocking him out of his chair and under the table.
Dumbledore seemed to be pointedly ignoring the U.F.B.F. (Unidentified Flying Breakfast Foods) that were soaring over his head and continued to sip at his pumpkin juice calmly.
"Your turn." Remus said calmly, turning to Sirius, only to find FOUR HOWLERS sitting on his toast and three more in front of Sirius. "Ooooookay..."
"Alrighty then!" Sirius said, cracking his knuckles and reaching for the closest envelope, "Sit back, Rem, I'm a professional!"
"So am I, you prat."
Sirius ripped into the envelope and held it out at arm's length as though to soften the noise. It didn't.
"SIRIUS BLACK! HOW DARE YOU SET FIRE TO THE WHOMPING WILLOW FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL BONFIRE! THAT IS THE MOST IRESPONSIBLE THING A STAFF MEMBER HAS EVER DONE AT THIS SCHOOL! I EXPECT YOU TO IMMEDIATELY STRAIGHTEN UP OR THERE IS A PERFECTLY GOOD TICKET FOR THE HOGWART'S EXPRESS SITTING IN MY OFFICE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
Sirius grinned and blew a kiss in McGonagall's direction. "Aw, thanks Professor! Haven't gotten one of these since the last day of seventh year!"
"Uh, actually Sirius, she sent you one a year after graduation, remember?" Remus said, grinning.
"Oh yeah... well, you next!"
Remus grimaced as he picked up one of his own growing pile of howlers (now numbering six, where Sirius had eight, but at least that seemed to be the last of them!) and broke the seal.
As expected, a wailing sound filled the room:
"REMUS J. LUPIN! IF I *EVER* HEAR THAT YOU'VE LOCKED A STUDENT IN THE CLOSET AGAIN YOU WILL BE JOINING MR. BLACK ON HIS TRIP HOME! STRAIGHTEN UP!"
Sirius scowled, "She sounds so certain that I'll be leaving!"
By now, the entire hall was staring (minus the Staff Table) and Sirius grinned and bowed as he picked up another of his howlers.
"SIRIUS! WHERE'S MY BLACK DRESS ROBES?! I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK THEM! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE DORM WHO COULD WEAR'EM! ALL OF THE BOYS ARE TOO SMALL! WHERE ARE THEY?! I EXPECT THEM BACK, *INTACT*, OR MR. BUNNIKINS GOES BYE BYE!"
"NOOOOO! Not Mr. Bunnikins!" Sirius wailed, before glaring at Remus. "REMUS! Where's Mr. Bunnikins?!"
"Where're my robes?" Remus countered coolly, before digging into his bag and pulling out a rather disgruntled looking blue toy rabbit. "Oh, OH! Look at THIS. HERE'S Mr. Bunnikins, Siri. My robes back by nightfall or I'm giving him to Snape."
Sirius visibly paled, while everyone in the hall burst into hysterical laughter at the thought of Sirius having a stuffed bunny. "You're EVIL," he hissed.
Remus just grinned, stuffing the toy back in his bag and reaching for his next howler.
"LUPIN! WHERE DID YOU PUT MY WOLFSBANE?! I *KNOW* YOU TOOK IT! I WANT THAT BACK! *NOW*!"
Remus smiled innocently, before turning to a glowering Snape. "I think I'LL be making my potion from now on, you greasy git. Last time, there was green and silver food coloring in it and my hair turned SLYTHERIN colors! It WAS NOT pretty! That's why I actually LET you teach my class for a WEEK after the full moon! I couldn't bare for anyone to see it!"
Snape scowled, but turned back to his breakfast.
"Good comeback, Rem." Sirius crowed, "I think the git really believed it!"
"That's because it's true and he knows it!"
"WHAT?! That really happened?! YOU had SLYTHERIN colored hair?!"
"Yes, now on to your next one."
Sirius tore into the letter, grumbling something about Snape paying dearly for destroying A GRYFFINDOR and a MARAUDER'S honor. What was heard when the envelope was open was rather unexpected on his part:
"SIRIUS! OOOH! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH! MARRY ME PLEASE! PLEASE?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! (SQUEAL)"
Sirius grinned smugly. "Well... looks like I'm still the ladies man."
Remus cocked an eyebrow, "Let me point out to you, Mr. God's Gift To Women, that unless it was one of the teachers, every girl here is seventeen and younger as you're in your mid-thirties-"
"And still hell on wheels!"
"- Unless of course it was a man. It DID sound like Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail-"
"Alright! Don't say anymore!" Sirius shuddered at the thought, then recovered immediately and turned to his friend, "Go ahead, Remmy old buddy, old pal!"
This time, it really WAS Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail that filled the hall:
"SEVERUS! WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?! I HAD A ROMAMTIC DINNER PLANNED AND EVERYTHING! I-"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remus flung the howler away from him, panting heavily as it drifted down to a now bright red Snape.
Sirius dissolved into a fit of hysterical laughter, banging his fist on the table. "How could an owl mistake YOU for SNAPE?!"
Remus put on a very dramatic act of sobbing into his arms on the table. "I don't know!" he wailed, "Am I really that FOUL looking?! Oh, god! I'm UGLY!"
Sirius patted him sympathetically on the back, before standing up and screeching, "LUCIUS MALFOY! GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!"
And in he came, toothbrush and all.
Remus lifted his head and stared at him. (Note: For reference, there were no tears on his cheeks whatsoever. GO REMMY! The werewolf is a helluva actor, I'll give him that!) "Do you LIVE here or something?"
Lucius hung his head. "Narcissa kicked me out."
"Aw..." Sirius simpered fakely, "She found out about your affair with Snape?"
"And why do always have a TOOTHBRUSH?" Remus asked, ignoring Sirius.
"I have horrible dental hygiene. Draco got all the looks in the family."
It was at this time that ANOTHER horrible, screeching wail filled the Hall, this time coming from the direction of the Slytherin table.
"DRACO MALFOY! WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO YESTERDAY?! YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE, AND AFTER I WORKED SO HARD TO DITCH HARRY AND RON TOO! YOU MANIPULATIVE LITTLE-"
Draco had slid as far down into his chair as he could, before jumping up on the table and yelling, "I'm sorry 'Mione! Forgive me!"
The Gryffindors all swiveled in their seats to stare at Hermione, who was looking grumpily at Draco; and the Slytherins gawked at the Malfoy that was now sprinting in Hermione's direction.
Lucius stared open-mouthed at his son. Sirius and Remus cocked eyebrows. "Hm..." Remus said, "Hermione and a Malfoy... who woulda thought?"
"M-my son and-and a... MUDBLOOD?!" Lucius screeched.
The Marauders both glared at him. "Nobody calls one of our friends a Mudblood." Sirius growled, before lunging at Lucius.
"Hermione, I'm so sorry!" Draco had gotten down on his knees in front of Hermione at the Gryffindor table, "I'm sorry! Can you ever forgive me?!"
"Well... alright." Hermione sighed in exasperation, "Who could refuse that face?"
Draco jumped to his feet. "WOO HOO! The adorable puppy face strikes again!"
Sirius and Remus had stopped pounding Lucius into a pulp at this time, and shook their heads in wonderment at Draco. "Interesting." Remus said.
"I still say, no one was expecting that one." Sirius chirped.
"Now," Remus said, "Shall we get on with our howlers?"
Sirius brightened up considerably at this (though why, no one can be sure) and nodded his head vigorously. "It's your turn, though, Rem."
"No it's not."
"If you open another, I'll open two at a time. That should be interesting!"
"Alright." Remus picked up the fourth howler and ripped it open. It was a shock to them all when Professor Trelawney, the Divinations teacher's, voice filled the hall.
"REUMS! MY INNER EYE TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE DESTINED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH ME THIS FRIDAY! YOU CANNOT ALTER FATE, REMUS! AND TO MAKE SURE OF THAT, I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TAKING YOUR LITTLE WOLF STUFFED ANIMAL HOSTAGE! PICK ME UP AT EIGHT O'CLOCK AND I'LL GIVE IT BACK!"
Remus stared in shock and horror at the howler that was now burning harmlessly on the table. His lower lip trembled and he burst into REAL tears this time. "WHY ME?! WHY?!"
Sirius, in a mixture of sympathy and silent, hysterical laughter, patted him on the back. "Well, I suppose you'll have to go."
This only earned another onslaught of sobs from Remus.
~*~*~
TBC
Will Remus really go out with Trelawney? Will he get his wolf back? Will Lucius Malfoy ever stop brushing his teeth? Stay tuned to find out!
A/N: Hidly ho, readerinos! This is Anrion here, and *I* wrote this chapter, just so you know. Don't hurt me if it's not up to your goofy standards. I'm sure that Sanaria will have you all LYAO by chapter eight. Especially with the discussions we've had about how to write it! Let's just say it includes a VERY tipsy werewolf, the Malfoy family wine recipe, Draco quite possibly getting high off 'Mione's hair and Sirius (as usual) claiming to be god.
~*~*~ Chapter Seven: Howlers: An Important Part of a Balanced Hogwarts Breakfast ~*~*~
As of yet, the halls of Hogwarts had been relatively quiet this fine Sunday morning. And needless to say, all of the students were wondering what the bloody hell was going on.
Lucius Malfoy could be seen casually strolling the corridor before the Slytherin Common Room, a tooth brush as usual stuck in his mouth. Severus Snape was spotted near the third floor, skulking and moaning something about gravy in his underwear; no one dared to ask. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were seen dragging themselves sleepily into the Great Hall...
And the infamous Padfoot and Moony were nowhere to be found. First sign of trouble.
Second sign of trouble: Sirius was not stuffing his face. The Marauders wouldn't miss breakfast for the world.
Luckily for Hogwarts. though, Sirius and Remus strode nonchalantly into the Hall five minutes into breakfast with no incident. They both plopped down at the far side of the Staff Table, stifling yawns and scratching their heads lazily. What had they been up to the night before to make them tired? Again, no one dared to ask.
For the most part, breakfast was a relatively peaceful affair. (Gotten through with only one spoonful of oatmeal flung at Snape when he entered, a small ball of fluff that ran around biting people that came from Sirius's direction and McGonagall's hair turning a variety of different colors, including hot pink, neon green and something resembling "I love Remus Lupin" which induced a prompt smacking of Sirius's head.)
Remus gulped down the last bit of his bacon and glanced up as owl after owl came swooping in. "Siri! SIRI!" He smacked Sirius on the back of the head to get his attention, "Take a look at that crimson letter comin' your way, mate."
Sirius looked up and choked on his pumpkin juice. Not one, not two, but THREE blood red howlers were soaring in his general direction.
"Eep," he whimpered.
At the precise moment that he was going to make fun of his friend, a large tawny owl landed in Remus's oatmeal. "Oi!" he yelped in surprise, plucking the bird out of his bowl before it could do anything to defile his breakfast.
Sirius snickered, but it was cut short as his three howlers were plopped down in front of him and the owls fled in terror. Sirius smiled sweetly at Remus, "Er... how 'bout YOU go first, buddy?"
"Wuss..." Remus muttered, opening his letter, reading it and then promptly flinging a roll at Snape's head as soon as he was done.
"Ooh!" Sirius chirped annoyingly, "What'd the greasy git write?"
Remus handed the letter to Sirius, still glaring daggers at Snape, who was cowering away from him at the far side of the table.
Sirius read:
LUPIN!
Don't let me catch you out of your office tonight! If you harm any of my students I will immediately neuter you! AND Black for letting you! However, if you simply MUST go and slaughter a few juicy students, do be kind enough to head up to Gryffindor Tower.
Thank you,
Severus Snape
Immediately after reading this, an apple left Sirius's hand and was sent flying over the other teachers' heads to make direct contact with Snape's nose, knocking him out of his chair and under the table.
Dumbledore seemed to be pointedly ignoring the U.F.B.F. (Unidentified Flying Breakfast Foods) that were soaring over his head and continued to sip at his pumpkin juice calmly.
"Your turn." Remus said calmly, turning to Sirius, only to find FOUR HOWLERS sitting on his toast and three more in front of Sirius. "Ooooookay..."
"Alrighty then!" Sirius said, cracking his knuckles and reaching for the closest envelope, "Sit back, Rem, I'm a professional!"
"So am I, you prat."
Sirius ripped into the envelope and held it out at arm's length as though to soften the noise. It didn't.
"SIRIUS BLACK! HOW DARE YOU SET FIRE TO THE WHOMPING WILLOW FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL BONFIRE! THAT IS THE MOST IRESPONSIBLE THING A STAFF MEMBER HAS EVER DONE AT THIS SCHOOL! I EXPECT YOU TO IMMEDIATELY STRAIGHTEN UP OR THERE IS A PERFECTLY GOOD TICKET FOR THE HOGWART'S EXPRESS SITTING IN MY OFFICE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
Sirius grinned and blew a kiss in McGonagall's direction. "Aw, thanks Professor! Haven't gotten one of these since the last day of seventh year!"
"Uh, actually Sirius, she sent you one a year after graduation, remember?" Remus said, grinning.
"Oh yeah... well, you next!"
Remus grimaced as he picked up one of his own growing pile of howlers (now numbering six, where Sirius had eight, but at least that seemed to be the last of them!) and broke the seal.
As expected, a wailing sound filled the room:
"REMUS J. LUPIN! IF I *EVER* HEAR THAT YOU'VE LOCKED A STUDENT IN THE CLOSET AGAIN YOU WILL BE JOINING MR. BLACK ON HIS TRIP HOME! STRAIGHTEN UP!"
Sirius scowled, "She sounds so certain that I'll be leaving!"
By now, the entire hall was staring (minus the Staff Table) and Sirius grinned and bowed as he picked up another of his howlers.
"SIRIUS! WHERE'S MY BLACK DRESS ROBES?! I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK THEM! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE DORM WHO COULD WEAR'EM! ALL OF THE BOYS ARE TOO SMALL! WHERE ARE THEY?! I EXPECT THEM BACK, *INTACT*, OR MR. BUNNIKINS GOES BYE BYE!"
"NOOOOO! Not Mr. Bunnikins!" Sirius wailed, before glaring at Remus. "REMUS! Where's Mr. Bunnikins?!"
"Where're my robes?" Remus countered coolly, before digging into his bag and pulling out a rather disgruntled looking blue toy rabbit. "Oh, OH! Look at THIS. HERE'S Mr. Bunnikins, Siri. My robes back by nightfall or I'm giving him to Snape."
Sirius visibly paled, while everyone in the hall burst into hysterical laughter at the thought of Sirius having a stuffed bunny. "You're EVIL," he hissed.
Remus just grinned, stuffing the toy back in his bag and reaching for his next howler.
"LUPIN! WHERE DID YOU PUT MY WOLFSBANE?! I *KNOW* YOU TOOK IT! I WANT THAT BACK! *NOW*!"
Remus smiled innocently, before turning to a glowering Snape. "I think I'LL be making my potion from now on, you greasy git. Last time, there was green and silver food coloring in it and my hair turned SLYTHERIN colors! It WAS NOT pretty! That's why I actually LET you teach my class for a WEEK after the full moon! I couldn't bare for anyone to see it!"
Snape scowled, but turned back to his breakfast.
"Good comeback, Rem." Sirius crowed, "I think the git really believed it!"
"That's because it's true and he knows it!"
"WHAT?! That really happened?! YOU had SLYTHERIN colored hair?!"
"Yes, now on to your next one."
Sirius tore into the letter, grumbling something about Snape paying dearly for destroying A GRYFFINDOR and a MARAUDER'S honor. What was heard when the envelope was open was rather unexpected on his part:
"SIRIUS! OOOH! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH! MARRY ME PLEASE! PLEASE?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! (SQUEAL)"
Sirius grinned smugly. "Well... looks like I'm still the ladies man."
Remus cocked an eyebrow, "Let me point out to you, Mr. God's Gift To Women, that unless it was one of the teachers, every girl here is seventeen and younger as you're in your mid-thirties-"
"And still hell on wheels!"
"- Unless of course it was a man. It DID sound like Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail-"
"Alright! Don't say anymore!" Sirius shuddered at the thought, then recovered immediately and turned to his friend, "Go ahead, Remmy old buddy, old pal!"
This time, it really WAS Lucius Malfoy's sniveling little wail that filled the hall:
"SEVERUS! WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?! I HAD A ROMAMTIC DINNER PLANNED AND EVERYTHING! I-"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remus flung the howler away from him, panting heavily as it drifted down to a now bright red Snape.
Sirius dissolved into a fit of hysterical laughter, banging his fist on the table. "How could an owl mistake YOU for SNAPE?!"
Remus put on a very dramatic act of sobbing into his arms on the table. "I don't know!" he wailed, "Am I really that FOUL looking?! Oh, god! I'm UGLY!"
Sirius patted him sympathetically on the back, before standing up and screeching, "LUCIUS MALFOY! GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!"
And in he came, toothbrush and all.
Remus lifted his head and stared at him. (Note: For reference, there were no tears on his cheeks whatsoever. GO REMMY! The werewolf is a helluva actor, I'll give him that!) "Do you LIVE here or something?"
Lucius hung his head. "Narcissa kicked me out."
"Aw..." Sirius simpered fakely, "She found out about your affair with Snape?"
"And why do always have a TOOTHBRUSH?" Remus asked, ignoring Sirius.
"I have horrible dental hygiene. Draco got all the looks in the family."
It was at this time that ANOTHER horrible, screeching wail filled the Hall, this time coming from the direction of the Slytherin table.
"DRACO MALFOY! WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO YESTERDAY?! YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE, AND AFTER I WORKED SO HARD TO DITCH HARRY AND RON TOO! YOU MANIPULATIVE LITTLE-"
Draco had slid as far down into his chair as he could, before jumping up on the table and yelling, "I'm sorry 'Mione! Forgive me!"
The Gryffindors all swiveled in their seats to stare at Hermione, who was looking grumpily at Draco; and the Slytherins gawked at the Malfoy that was now sprinting in Hermione's direction.
Lucius stared open-mouthed at his son. Sirius and Remus cocked eyebrows. "Hm..." Remus said, "Hermione and a Malfoy... who woulda thought?"
"M-my son and-and a... MUDBLOOD?!" Lucius screeched.
The Marauders both glared at him. "Nobody calls one of our friends a Mudblood." Sirius growled, before lunging at Lucius.
"Hermione, I'm so sorry!" Draco had gotten down on his knees in front of Hermione at the Gryffindor table, "I'm sorry! Can you ever forgive me?!"
"Well... alright." Hermione sighed in exasperation, "Who could refuse that face?"
Draco jumped to his feet. "WOO HOO! The adorable puppy face strikes again!"
Sirius and Remus had stopped pounding Lucius into a pulp at this time, and shook their heads in wonderment at Draco. "Interesting." Remus said.
"I still say, no one was expecting that one." Sirius chirped.
"Now," Remus said, "Shall we get on with our howlers?"
Sirius brightened up considerably at this (though why, no one can be sure) and nodded his head vigorously. "It's your turn, though, Rem."
"No it's not."
"If you open another, I'll open two at a time. That should be interesting!"
"Alright." Remus picked up the fourth howler and ripped it open. It was a shock to them all when Professor Trelawney, the Divinations teacher's, voice filled the hall.
"REUMS! MY INNER EYE TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE DESTINED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH ME THIS FRIDAY! YOU CANNOT ALTER FATE, REMUS! AND TO MAKE SURE OF THAT, I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TAKING YOUR LITTLE WOLF STUFFED ANIMAL HOSTAGE! PICK ME UP AT EIGHT O'CLOCK AND I'LL GIVE IT BACK!"
Remus stared in shock and horror at the howler that was now burning harmlessly on the table. His lower lip trembled and he burst into REAL tears this time. "WHY ME?! WHY?!"
Sirius, in a mixture of sympathy and silent, hysterical laughter, patted him on the back. "Well, I suppose you'll have to go."
This only earned another onslaught of sobs from Remus.
~*~*~
TBC
Will Remus really go out with Trelawney? Will he get his wolf back? Will Lucius Malfoy ever stop brushing his teeth? Stay tuned to find out!
A/N: Hidly ho, readerinos! This is Anrion here, and *I* wrote this chapter, just so you know. Don't hurt me if it's not up to your goofy standards. I'm sure that Sanaria will have you all LYAO by chapter eight. Especially with the discussions we've had about how to write it! Let's just say it includes a VERY tipsy werewolf, the Malfoy family wine recipe, Draco quite possibly getting high off 'Mione's hair and Sirius (as usual) claiming to be god.