Disclaimer: Of course Ashen and I own everything HP! What did you think?
That some psychotic woman named J.K. Rowling had written them? Right. . . .
~*~*~ Chapter Nine: The Hangover, Sirius the DADA Professor, and Snape Acting Creepy ~*~*~
The third year Defense Against the Dark Arts class was in an uproar. Already, word of their very tipsy professor's antics of the night before had spread like wild fire throughout the school. (Helped along by one, Draco Malfoy, of course.)
"I heard he ate Trelawney!"
"You dolt, the full moon was last week!"
"Ohhhh. But /couldn't/ he have done that?"
They all went silent at the sound of someone clearing their throat in the doorway. The students quickly hushed and glanced to where a very stern looking McGonagall stood framed in the doorway, black robes billowing.
"Alright, you little PUNKS!" she shouted, crossing her arms, "I don't feel like carting Professor Lupin off to St. Mungos because you drove him insane while he was recuperating from his. . . dinner. . . last night! So this is one sub you aren't gonna screw with! You get me?!" She stepped back a bit, showing the figure behind her. "Sirius Black."
"Hello all!" Sirius chirped, stepping into the room with a flourish, "I'd like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. . . me."
The whole of the class' jaws dropped.
"And you're not going to mess with THEM either, are you Mr. Black?" McGonagall cocked her eyebrow at him.
Sirius put on the trademarked Marauder innocent look and conjured a halo to float above his head. "Me, Professor?"
McGonagall scoffed and waved her wand in the direction of Sirius's halo, turning it swiftly into devil horns that plopped unceremoniously onto the man's head. Sirius pouted, the class laughed, and McGonagall swept from the room.
Sirius turned to the third years, a mischievous (and seemingly permanent) grin plastered on his face. "Who wants to see. . ." he rummaged in his pocket for a minute, before pulling out a wad of something. "PICTURES?!"
The entire class (apparently knowing exactly what he was talking about) clamored out of their seats to gather around Sirius and see their usually dignified (Anrion looks at what she just wrote, blinks, then laughs hysterically. ^_^;) DADA teacher make a complete ass of himself.
The first picture that Sirius showed them was of Remus balancing wine bottles on his hands. "What the. . . ?" was the general thought.
A sudden commotion at the door cut the picture fest short as three Gryffindor (sixth years) burst into the room, all gibbering frantically.
"I can't believe you two let him get away!" an annoyed Hermione twittered, shaking her finger under Harry and Ron's noses.
"It's not our fault!" Ron howled.
"He threatened us with SAUSAGES, 'Mione! What did you expect?!" Harry said, before turning to Sirius, "Sir? Is Remus here?"
Sirius's eyes got suddenly VERY large. "Remus is gone?!"
The three nodded mutely.
"Hogwarts has a drunken werewolf with one hell of a hangover running around the halls yelling about naked dancing house elves?!"
Nod.
"Oh no. . . ."
Just then, the door swung open again, and Remus (yes, the one and only) plowed into the room, holding a sack. "Merry Christmas all!" he howled, shoving Mr. Bunnikins into Sirius's hands.
"MR. BUNNKINS!" Sirius screeched, clutching the rabbit to his chest, but the wonderful reunion was cut short as Remus walked over to the desk. He glanced about the classroom and his hazy eyes landed on his friend. "Sirius. . . sit down. . . or you'll get an F!"
"But. . . I'm not in this class!"
"I already went through this with Draco, Siri. NOW!"
Sirius quickly sat down in a desk at the front of the class, so as not to further piss off the werewolf.
Suddenly, one of the small girls in the class burst into tears. Whether because of Remus, or because the boy next to her had just stuffed a frog down the back of her robes, the world will never know.
"Stop that!" Remus shouted, "There is no crying in this classroom! Only *I* may cry! I had a horrible dream last night that involved Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and naked dancing house elves! And that's enough to make anyone cry!"
The girl silenced immediately.
"Now, what shall we learn about today? Professor Trelawney? I agree!" Remus said, grinning goofily, even though no one had said Trelawney.
The three Gryffindors in the doorway looked at Sirius, but the man just shrugged and twirled his finger about his ear, indicating Remus.
"Ghosts!" Remus howled suddenly, "That's a good topic, we'll talk about ghosts! Speaking of which, I saw the ghost of James Potter floating around the third floor corridor the other day. Nearly crapped my pants!"
Sirius arched his eyebrows, before his attention was caught by Harry, who had running bawling from the room. He shook his head, "Poor kid. . . ."
"Or how about vampires?" Remus mused thoughtfully, "Count Chocula is out and about again, the students should be ready."
Ron and Hermione stared at Remus in horror. But Sirius shook his head, "That one's real." He said with a shudder, "Prongs, Moony and I had a rather disturbing run in with that guy in sixth year. He lives up in the South Tower."
"Right. . . ." Ron said, even as Hermione shook her head.
A sudden cold breeze filled the room ("That happens a lot around here." Sirius said) as Severus Snape flung open the door, glaring maliciously at Remus.
"LUPIN!" he screeched, "You owe Lucius an apology! He hasn't come out of his room for days! And we were going to go flower picking yesterday!" He colored suddenly in the face, "I mean. . . you weren't supposed to leave Gryffindor tower."
"But how can I have fun if I'm cooped up in Gryffindor Tower, Sev? I got bored after I put dungbombs in the boys' beds!"
Ron visibly paled and Sirius looked outraged. "You stole my dungbombs?!" he bellowed.
"That's it! Sirius, I'm tired of you talking out of turn! F!"
"Fine!" Sirius pouted, jumping to his feet with every intention of leaving.
"Now sit."
"Fine!" And he sat.
Snape, in a very un-Snape like moment, leaned over to Ron and Hermione worriedly, "What is WRONG with him?"
Ron shrugged, but Hermione twittered at Snape, shaking her finger at him, "You should really start reading, Professor Snape! If you did, you would know that he has a hangover!"
Snape snickered, choosing to ignore her comment about reading and walked up to Sirius.
"Black, you're going to let a DRUNK werewolf tell you what to do?"
To which a very miffed Sirius replied, "Sod off, you greasy git!"
"Ooh." Snape chided, "Running out of insults and comebacks, are we? Don't worry, I'll buy you a book for Christmas. Insults and Comebacks for Dummies." And he broke into a cacophony of snorts and giggles, making the entire class grimace.
"Hardy har har." Sirius snapped sarcastically. Then, a sudden idea struck him. "Hey Snape, I need your help!"
Snape glared at him suspiciously. "Why. . .?"
"To save Remus of course! This kind of thing is deadly to a werewolf you know!"
Hermione glanced at Ron. "Er. . . why is Sirius saying that?"
A sudden voice spoke up from behind the two Gryffindors. "He probably found out about Professor Snape's newly found soft spot for both him and the werewolf."
"Draco!" Hermione screeched happily, flinging herself at the Slytherin and burying her face in his shoulder. Draco rolled his eyes.
"Soft spot?" Ron asked, apparently pointedly ignoring one of his best friend's cuddling with his worst enemy. At least HARRY wasn't cuddling with Malfoy.
"Yes. Soft spot. Watch." Draco said, nodding as best he could over Hermione's head toward Snape.
Snape sighed. "What do I have to do?" he muttered in annoyance.
"Hold on!" Sirius chirped, "I'll go get the book!" And he dashed out of the room.
Snape was left with a seemingly very (still) drunk Remus staggering about the classroom, trying to explain why students needed to know how to defend themselves from pieces of gum.
"Snapey!" Remus howled in delight, apparently seeing Snape for the first time. "Get over here, you big lug! And help me explain the meaning of life!"
Snape's eyebrows shot into his greasy hairline and he turned to shout out the door, "BLACK! Get your arse back here, quick!"
"Give me a minute!" Sirius hollered back from the corridor, before cackling insanely as he wrote something down on a piece of paper.
"What are you doing Sirius?" Harry asked as he walked back down the corridor, his outbreak at the mention of James apparently behind him.
Sirius whirled swiftly, before glowering at his godson and shushing him. "Snape just set himself up for a doosy of a prank! Don't distract me, and get in there! I'm not sure if you'll wanna see this, but *I* certainly wouldn't miss it!"
Harry shrugged and strode casually into the classroom, prying Hermione off of Draco and shoving the Slytherin in Remus's direction.
"Draco!" Remus howled delightedly, "Very good, I'm so proud that you've decided to volunteer!"
"Volunteer?!" shouted a frantic Draco, his eyes widening, "Volunteer for WHAT?!"
"Why, the annual third year DADA turning the "Hogwarts heart-throb" into a frog experiment." Remus giggled.
Draco paled. "'MIONE!" he howled, diving to hide behind Hermione, cowering on his knees and peeking at the deranged werewolf from behind her robes.
Remus scowled, "No, no, Draco, that won't do. There can't be another person in the way! Get out here, you little nift!"
"Nift?! I'll show YOU nift! I don't know what a nift is, but I'm no nift!" Draco shouted, scrambling out from behind Hermione and pulling out his wand, smacking Remus across the face with a glove he pulled out from who- knows-where. "I challenge you to a duel!"
Remus reeled back from the blow, but glared at Draco and pulled out his own wand. "And you know what you little twit, I accept!"
The two got into dueling positions, ignoring the hysterically sobbing Hermione, cheering Ron, Harry who was stuffing his face with popcorn and Snape that was cowering in the corner watching through his hands.
"STOP!" Sirius hollered, skidding to a stop in between Remus and Draco.
"What is it, Sirius? I was about to turn Draco into a spotted pink fuzzle!" Remus asked in exasperation.
Draco looked confused. "What's a fuzzle?"
"Apparently you!" Harry managed to choke out through a fit of mad giggles.
"Shut up, Potter!" Draco shrieked, pointing his wand at Harry.
But everyone's attention was drawn away from the sight of Harry shrinking into a small chicken which ran around clucking to the tune of the song "I Will Survive".
"Snape!" Sirius howled, shoving a book under the Potions Master's nose, "I found out how to cure Remus!" He opened the book and pointed to the page he was talking about. Everyone close enough glanced down at a piece of paper that had been messily taped into the book. And everyone except Snape and Sirius burst into sudden hysterical fits of giggles.
Snape paled even more than he already was, setting a new record in skin tone and looked at Sirius, practically breaking out into a cold sweat. "I ha-have to. . . do. . . THAT?!"
Sirius nodded enthusiastically.
Snape gulped and stood contemplating for a minute, ignoring the madly laughing Gryffindors and Slytherin (yes, Draco found it HIGHLY amusing) and after his minute (which Sirius timed) he clambered up onto the teacher's desk at the front of the room.
"Alright. . . . Lupin," he snarled, "This had better work!"
Remus just grinned at him strangely.
"I'm afraid. . ." Ron whispered, "Hold me." And with that he latched onto Draco's arm, causing the Slytherin to shriek as though he had been burned.
"Get him off!" Draco wailed.
"With pleasure." Ron scowled and scooped the Harry-chicken up in his arms, ignoring the terrified squawking and hugged it for comfort.
"Black!" Snape barked, "I can't do this without music!"
This statement obviously frightened everyone in the room (except for Remus and Sirius, hmm. . .) as all of the students shrieked and covered their ears. All in vain.
Sirius conjured a boombox and hauled it up onto the desk next to Snape, then taking a step back, looked up at him expectantly, tapping his fingertips together and muttering something like, "Excellent." And strangely enough, Remus was behaving in the same manner.
Snape glowered at the two Marauders, completely missing Remus winking at Sirius mischievously and reached down to turn on the radio.
Sirius grinned and pulled a camera out from up his sleeve. Putting it up to his eye, he watched and waited for the perfect moment. . . .
"I believe in miracles!" the boombox screeched, "Since you came along!" Snape chorused, unbuttoning the clasps on his robes. "You sexy thing! Sexy thing!"
Sirius snapped away madly as the class stood absolutely horrified, watching their Potions Professor begin a strip dance on the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor's desk. Luckily, he didn't get past the robe.
"I LIVE!" Remus screeched, flinging himself at the desk and latching onto Snape's leg (ewwwww. You OWE him Sirius!) "Thank you! THANK YOU SNAPE!"
Snape scowled. "Wait a minute. . . that should have taken at least a minute! You- you." It suddenly dawned on him as Sirius opened the book and took out the taped paper. "YOU LYING, MANIPULATIVE!"
Remus and Sirius laughed, giving each other high fives. "I TOLD you I was destined to act on stage!" Remus grinned.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "That was so not a stage. Twit. . . ."
"Alright," Snape sighed, massaging his temples, "Alright. . . good joke, ha ha."
"Wow." Remus said, his mouth dropping open. "Snape just complimented us!"
"Now get out there and pull more!" Snape said, grinning, "Take one for the home team!" he said, giving Sirius a swift slap on the arse.
Sirius's eyes got as big as dinner plates in record time. "REMUS!" he screeched, throwing himself behind Remus, "HE JUST TOUCHED MY BUTT!"
"Aw, don't be silly, Sirius, why would Snape touch your-" Remus stopped, eyebrows shooting toward the ceiling as he looked over at Snape and the greasy git WINKED and BLEW A KISS at him. "Oh. . . my. . . god. . . RUN!!!"
And they ran. And the class stared. And Snape burst out into a tiered of giggles.
"It worked!" he howled happily, "I can't believe it! I'VE pulled a PRANK on the GRYFFINDORS! WOO HOO! LUCIUS!!! You've GOT to hear this!" And he ran out of the room as well.
The class glanced around at each other, and just then, the bell rang.
"Well. . ." Ron said, shaking his head.
"Uh, Ron?" Hermione asked meekly, "Is that Harry?" She pointed at the chicken.
"Yep. To the hospital wing then!"
~*~*~
Please excuse the glaringly obvious Simpsons references at the beginning of the chapter, I just LOVE that episode! You know the part where- (Anrion gets smacked by Sanaria who tells her to get the bloody hell on with it.) Ahem.
Anyway. . . . I know that the whole Snape thing was a bit disturbing. BAD MENTAL PICTURE! But, it worked well when we wrote it!
And stay tuned for the next chapter. Sanaria is sure to bring laughs. All Orlando Bloom fans, be sure not to miss his special guest appearance! And don't worry. It won't in anyway diss him (badly), as I (Anrion) am a rabid Orlando fan girl too! (Starry eyes)
R&R guys!
~*~*~ Chapter Nine: The Hangover, Sirius the DADA Professor, and Snape Acting Creepy ~*~*~
The third year Defense Against the Dark Arts class was in an uproar. Already, word of their very tipsy professor's antics of the night before had spread like wild fire throughout the school. (Helped along by one, Draco Malfoy, of course.)
"I heard he ate Trelawney!"
"You dolt, the full moon was last week!"
"Ohhhh. But /couldn't/ he have done that?"
They all went silent at the sound of someone clearing their throat in the doorway. The students quickly hushed and glanced to where a very stern looking McGonagall stood framed in the doorway, black robes billowing.
"Alright, you little PUNKS!" she shouted, crossing her arms, "I don't feel like carting Professor Lupin off to St. Mungos because you drove him insane while he was recuperating from his. . . dinner. . . last night! So this is one sub you aren't gonna screw with! You get me?!" She stepped back a bit, showing the figure behind her. "Sirius Black."
"Hello all!" Sirius chirped, stepping into the room with a flourish, "I'd like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. . . me."
The whole of the class' jaws dropped.
"And you're not going to mess with THEM either, are you Mr. Black?" McGonagall cocked her eyebrow at him.
Sirius put on the trademarked Marauder innocent look and conjured a halo to float above his head. "Me, Professor?"
McGonagall scoffed and waved her wand in the direction of Sirius's halo, turning it swiftly into devil horns that plopped unceremoniously onto the man's head. Sirius pouted, the class laughed, and McGonagall swept from the room.
Sirius turned to the third years, a mischievous (and seemingly permanent) grin plastered on his face. "Who wants to see. . ." he rummaged in his pocket for a minute, before pulling out a wad of something. "PICTURES?!"
The entire class (apparently knowing exactly what he was talking about) clamored out of their seats to gather around Sirius and see their usually dignified (Anrion looks at what she just wrote, blinks, then laughs hysterically. ^_^;) DADA teacher make a complete ass of himself.
The first picture that Sirius showed them was of Remus balancing wine bottles on his hands. "What the. . . ?" was the general thought.
A sudden commotion at the door cut the picture fest short as three Gryffindor (sixth years) burst into the room, all gibbering frantically.
"I can't believe you two let him get away!" an annoyed Hermione twittered, shaking her finger under Harry and Ron's noses.
"It's not our fault!" Ron howled.
"He threatened us with SAUSAGES, 'Mione! What did you expect?!" Harry said, before turning to Sirius, "Sir? Is Remus here?"
Sirius's eyes got suddenly VERY large. "Remus is gone?!"
The three nodded mutely.
"Hogwarts has a drunken werewolf with one hell of a hangover running around the halls yelling about naked dancing house elves?!"
Nod.
"Oh no. . . ."
Just then, the door swung open again, and Remus (yes, the one and only) plowed into the room, holding a sack. "Merry Christmas all!" he howled, shoving Mr. Bunnikins into Sirius's hands.
"MR. BUNNKINS!" Sirius screeched, clutching the rabbit to his chest, but the wonderful reunion was cut short as Remus walked over to the desk. He glanced about the classroom and his hazy eyes landed on his friend. "Sirius. . . sit down. . . or you'll get an F!"
"But. . . I'm not in this class!"
"I already went through this with Draco, Siri. NOW!"
Sirius quickly sat down in a desk at the front of the class, so as not to further piss off the werewolf.
Suddenly, one of the small girls in the class burst into tears. Whether because of Remus, or because the boy next to her had just stuffed a frog down the back of her robes, the world will never know.
"Stop that!" Remus shouted, "There is no crying in this classroom! Only *I* may cry! I had a horrible dream last night that involved Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and naked dancing house elves! And that's enough to make anyone cry!"
The girl silenced immediately.
"Now, what shall we learn about today? Professor Trelawney? I agree!" Remus said, grinning goofily, even though no one had said Trelawney.
The three Gryffindors in the doorway looked at Sirius, but the man just shrugged and twirled his finger about his ear, indicating Remus.
"Ghosts!" Remus howled suddenly, "That's a good topic, we'll talk about ghosts! Speaking of which, I saw the ghost of James Potter floating around the third floor corridor the other day. Nearly crapped my pants!"
Sirius arched his eyebrows, before his attention was caught by Harry, who had running bawling from the room. He shook his head, "Poor kid. . . ."
"Or how about vampires?" Remus mused thoughtfully, "Count Chocula is out and about again, the students should be ready."
Ron and Hermione stared at Remus in horror. But Sirius shook his head, "That one's real." He said with a shudder, "Prongs, Moony and I had a rather disturbing run in with that guy in sixth year. He lives up in the South Tower."
"Right. . . ." Ron said, even as Hermione shook her head.
A sudden cold breeze filled the room ("That happens a lot around here." Sirius said) as Severus Snape flung open the door, glaring maliciously at Remus.
"LUPIN!" he screeched, "You owe Lucius an apology! He hasn't come out of his room for days! And we were going to go flower picking yesterday!" He colored suddenly in the face, "I mean. . . you weren't supposed to leave Gryffindor tower."
"But how can I have fun if I'm cooped up in Gryffindor Tower, Sev? I got bored after I put dungbombs in the boys' beds!"
Ron visibly paled and Sirius looked outraged. "You stole my dungbombs?!" he bellowed.
"That's it! Sirius, I'm tired of you talking out of turn! F!"
"Fine!" Sirius pouted, jumping to his feet with every intention of leaving.
"Now sit."
"Fine!" And he sat.
Snape, in a very un-Snape like moment, leaned over to Ron and Hermione worriedly, "What is WRONG with him?"
Ron shrugged, but Hermione twittered at Snape, shaking her finger at him, "You should really start reading, Professor Snape! If you did, you would know that he has a hangover!"
Snape snickered, choosing to ignore her comment about reading and walked up to Sirius.
"Black, you're going to let a DRUNK werewolf tell you what to do?"
To which a very miffed Sirius replied, "Sod off, you greasy git!"
"Ooh." Snape chided, "Running out of insults and comebacks, are we? Don't worry, I'll buy you a book for Christmas. Insults and Comebacks for Dummies." And he broke into a cacophony of snorts and giggles, making the entire class grimace.
"Hardy har har." Sirius snapped sarcastically. Then, a sudden idea struck him. "Hey Snape, I need your help!"
Snape glared at him suspiciously. "Why. . .?"
"To save Remus of course! This kind of thing is deadly to a werewolf you know!"
Hermione glanced at Ron. "Er. . . why is Sirius saying that?"
A sudden voice spoke up from behind the two Gryffindors. "He probably found out about Professor Snape's newly found soft spot for both him and the werewolf."
"Draco!" Hermione screeched happily, flinging herself at the Slytherin and burying her face in his shoulder. Draco rolled his eyes.
"Soft spot?" Ron asked, apparently pointedly ignoring one of his best friend's cuddling with his worst enemy. At least HARRY wasn't cuddling with Malfoy.
"Yes. Soft spot. Watch." Draco said, nodding as best he could over Hermione's head toward Snape.
Snape sighed. "What do I have to do?" he muttered in annoyance.
"Hold on!" Sirius chirped, "I'll go get the book!" And he dashed out of the room.
Snape was left with a seemingly very (still) drunk Remus staggering about the classroom, trying to explain why students needed to know how to defend themselves from pieces of gum.
"Snapey!" Remus howled in delight, apparently seeing Snape for the first time. "Get over here, you big lug! And help me explain the meaning of life!"
Snape's eyebrows shot into his greasy hairline and he turned to shout out the door, "BLACK! Get your arse back here, quick!"
"Give me a minute!" Sirius hollered back from the corridor, before cackling insanely as he wrote something down on a piece of paper.
"What are you doing Sirius?" Harry asked as he walked back down the corridor, his outbreak at the mention of James apparently behind him.
Sirius whirled swiftly, before glowering at his godson and shushing him. "Snape just set himself up for a doosy of a prank! Don't distract me, and get in there! I'm not sure if you'll wanna see this, but *I* certainly wouldn't miss it!"
Harry shrugged and strode casually into the classroom, prying Hermione off of Draco and shoving the Slytherin in Remus's direction.
"Draco!" Remus howled delightedly, "Very good, I'm so proud that you've decided to volunteer!"
"Volunteer?!" shouted a frantic Draco, his eyes widening, "Volunteer for WHAT?!"
"Why, the annual third year DADA turning the "Hogwarts heart-throb" into a frog experiment." Remus giggled.
Draco paled. "'MIONE!" he howled, diving to hide behind Hermione, cowering on his knees and peeking at the deranged werewolf from behind her robes.
Remus scowled, "No, no, Draco, that won't do. There can't be another person in the way! Get out here, you little nift!"
"Nift?! I'll show YOU nift! I don't know what a nift is, but I'm no nift!" Draco shouted, scrambling out from behind Hermione and pulling out his wand, smacking Remus across the face with a glove he pulled out from who- knows-where. "I challenge you to a duel!"
Remus reeled back from the blow, but glared at Draco and pulled out his own wand. "And you know what you little twit, I accept!"
The two got into dueling positions, ignoring the hysterically sobbing Hermione, cheering Ron, Harry who was stuffing his face with popcorn and Snape that was cowering in the corner watching through his hands.
"STOP!" Sirius hollered, skidding to a stop in between Remus and Draco.
"What is it, Sirius? I was about to turn Draco into a spotted pink fuzzle!" Remus asked in exasperation.
Draco looked confused. "What's a fuzzle?"
"Apparently you!" Harry managed to choke out through a fit of mad giggles.
"Shut up, Potter!" Draco shrieked, pointing his wand at Harry.
But everyone's attention was drawn away from the sight of Harry shrinking into a small chicken which ran around clucking to the tune of the song "I Will Survive".
"Snape!" Sirius howled, shoving a book under the Potions Master's nose, "I found out how to cure Remus!" He opened the book and pointed to the page he was talking about. Everyone close enough glanced down at a piece of paper that had been messily taped into the book. And everyone except Snape and Sirius burst into sudden hysterical fits of giggles.
Snape paled even more than he already was, setting a new record in skin tone and looked at Sirius, practically breaking out into a cold sweat. "I ha-have to. . . do. . . THAT?!"
Sirius nodded enthusiastically.
Snape gulped and stood contemplating for a minute, ignoring the madly laughing Gryffindors and Slytherin (yes, Draco found it HIGHLY amusing) and after his minute (which Sirius timed) he clambered up onto the teacher's desk at the front of the room.
"Alright. . . . Lupin," he snarled, "This had better work!"
Remus just grinned at him strangely.
"I'm afraid. . ." Ron whispered, "Hold me." And with that he latched onto Draco's arm, causing the Slytherin to shriek as though he had been burned.
"Get him off!" Draco wailed.
"With pleasure." Ron scowled and scooped the Harry-chicken up in his arms, ignoring the terrified squawking and hugged it for comfort.
"Black!" Snape barked, "I can't do this without music!"
This statement obviously frightened everyone in the room (except for Remus and Sirius, hmm. . .) as all of the students shrieked and covered their ears. All in vain.
Sirius conjured a boombox and hauled it up onto the desk next to Snape, then taking a step back, looked up at him expectantly, tapping his fingertips together and muttering something like, "Excellent." And strangely enough, Remus was behaving in the same manner.
Snape glowered at the two Marauders, completely missing Remus winking at Sirius mischievously and reached down to turn on the radio.
Sirius grinned and pulled a camera out from up his sleeve. Putting it up to his eye, he watched and waited for the perfect moment. . . .
"I believe in miracles!" the boombox screeched, "Since you came along!" Snape chorused, unbuttoning the clasps on his robes. "You sexy thing! Sexy thing!"
Sirius snapped away madly as the class stood absolutely horrified, watching their Potions Professor begin a strip dance on the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor's desk. Luckily, he didn't get past the robe.
"I LIVE!" Remus screeched, flinging himself at the desk and latching onto Snape's leg (ewwwww. You OWE him Sirius!) "Thank you! THANK YOU SNAPE!"
Snape scowled. "Wait a minute. . . that should have taken at least a minute! You- you." It suddenly dawned on him as Sirius opened the book and took out the taped paper. "YOU LYING, MANIPULATIVE!"
Remus and Sirius laughed, giving each other high fives. "I TOLD you I was destined to act on stage!" Remus grinned.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "That was so not a stage. Twit. . . ."
"Alright," Snape sighed, massaging his temples, "Alright. . . good joke, ha ha."
"Wow." Remus said, his mouth dropping open. "Snape just complimented us!"
"Now get out there and pull more!" Snape said, grinning, "Take one for the home team!" he said, giving Sirius a swift slap on the arse.
Sirius's eyes got as big as dinner plates in record time. "REMUS!" he screeched, throwing himself behind Remus, "HE JUST TOUCHED MY BUTT!"
"Aw, don't be silly, Sirius, why would Snape touch your-" Remus stopped, eyebrows shooting toward the ceiling as he looked over at Snape and the greasy git WINKED and BLEW A KISS at him. "Oh. . . my. . . god. . . RUN!!!"
And they ran. And the class stared. And Snape burst out into a tiered of giggles.
"It worked!" he howled happily, "I can't believe it! I'VE pulled a PRANK on the GRYFFINDORS! WOO HOO! LUCIUS!!! You've GOT to hear this!" And he ran out of the room as well.
The class glanced around at each other, and just then, the bell rang.
"Well. . ." Ron said, shaking his head.
"Uh, Ron?" Hermione asked meekly, "Is that Harry?" She pointed at the chicken.
"Yep. To the hospital wing then!"
~*~*~
Please excuse the glaringly obvious Simpsons references at the beginning of the chapter, I just LOVE that episode! You know the part where- (Anrion gets smacked by Sanaria who tells her to get the bloody hell on with it.) Ahem.
Anyway. . . . I know that the whole Snape thing was a bit disturbing. BAD MENTAL PICTURE! But, it worked well when we wrote it!
And stay tuned for the next chapter. Sanaria is sure to bring laughs. All Orlando Bloom fans, be sure not to miss his special guest appearance! And don't worry. It won't in anyway diss him (badly), as I (Anrion) am a rabid Orlando fan girl too! (Starry eyes)
R&R guys!