A/N: And she returns (She meaning me) and it wasn't that long a wait this time guys. Yay for me. I figured that with me being on Summer vacation now and everything, I may as well do what I love on the computer as well as on paper.

Chapter 10: Sadness and Loss

Buffy lay there for quite a few seconds, nothing processed and she felt numb. What had just happened? She didn't even realise that she wasn't breathing. The world was spinning, there was smoke in her eyes and the world had finally gone to hell.

Suddenly it all clicked back into place and she let out a pained gasp and sob. Scrambling up, Buffy ignored the pain in her bruised and battered body. She had to get into that crypt and get Spike out before that fire got to him. She used her hands to pick herself up and didn't even nothing the pain as chipped stone and broken glass imbedded itself into the palms of her hands. She couldn't feel anything physical because the pain in her soul was so excruciating.

She finally managed to get to her feet and began running to the burned out hole that had once inhabited the only vampire that Buffy knew to have changed so drastically from the first time she had met him to now.

With tears streaming down her face, the Slayer bound towards the wreckage but was grabbed forcefully from behind before she could make any progress. She turned to look at her best friend. Who'd have though that the dainty redhead had so much strength in those small hands. Her hair was dishevelled and she had bits of grass and debris in it.

Buffy looked down at her hand confusedly and then back up at the witch. "Let me go Willow. I have to get Spike out."

Willow looked at her best friend with tears in her eyes and shook her head, causing the tears to slip down her face.

"Willow…" Buffy said weakly, a quiver in her voice. "Let me go." She looked at her friends pleadingly. "Please." She said desperately.

More tears fell down Willow's face. "It's no use Buffy. You saw it. There's no way he could have survived that."

Buffy looked down at her hand with blurred vision. She saw that cuts and blood mixed against her alabaster skin making it stand out horribly and her body convulsed with the emotional pain. She looked back up at Willow. "He's fine Willow. He just needs help getting out." Buffy had slipped into denial. She broke out of Willow's grip and made her way over to the crypt again but again she was stopped.

"Buffy, you can't go in there. There's nothing there." Willow reasoned. "We weren't even that close to it and we were thrown that far. What about Spike? He was at the heart of it." She spun Buffy around. "Just think about it for a minute Buffy. If he was alive, he would have come out. Going in there now is just going to cause you pain."

Buffy looked over the redheads shoulder and saw Tara helping Giles to his feet. They both looked the worse for wear; bruised and battered. Giles' book was lying some three feet away from them but neither was making a move to retrieve it. They were all looking at her with concern.

Buffy buried her face in her hands and let out another heart wrenching sob. What had she done to him? She had mocked him and his feelings for so long. She had renounced his words and laughed at him. She had cared but she had been too afraid after Angel and Riley that she had refused to believe that she could ever be loved. Now the only person that had always stood by her was lying as ash among the rumble, indiscernible from it.

She knew that Willow was right. Looking was only going to cause her agony and the nightmares that would follow would be torture but she had to look. She didn't have a choice. The only way that she was going to be able to deal with it and accept it would be if she looked and saw nothing for herself. She wiped her eyes so forcefully that her skin now matched the red of the eyes. She looked at them with resolve.

They understood what she was going to do. They knew what she would find, or more precisely – wouldn't, but they couldn't stop her. They stood mutely as she turned around and headed for the disaster.

Buffy reached it slowly, eyes on the smoking ground. She saw the destroyed TV set and the fridge that has been completely smashed apart. Not even the material things had survived, how could she expect him to have lived, to have been so lucky when he had never been in life, or un-life. She fell to her knees, hitting the stones hard and not caring one bit. It was worse than she had expected. Her heart tore at her and she felt as if she were dieing. She should have listened to Willow because now she knew that Spike had not lived and there were remnants of him all around her, fluff from his armchair, bits of plastic from the TV and the handle from the mug. She could not convince herself otherwise.

Without looking at any of her friends, she got up and left the crypt at a pace faster than any that they had ever seen before. She wanted to put as much distance between her and what she had lost.

Tara joined Willow and held her as they both cried. Mourning their friend.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Willow and Tara entered the house quietly. They didn't want to disturb Buffy after what she had just been through.

They found Xander sleeping across the armchair, it looked uncomfortable but the girls didn't wake him. He could deal with the pain tomorrow and they didn't feel like talking to anyone else right now.

After Buffy had left the graveyard, Tara and Willow had seen Giles off and then returned to the Summers' household. Both of their eye were still red and they had not let go of the other's hand. Willow had the same feeling that she had had when Joyce had died. Life was short, precious and it could be snatched away at any given moment. True, Spike had lived longer than most but the world and his friends were not ready o see him leave.

"What are we going to tell Dawn?" Tara asked tearfully.

Willow looked at her girlfriend and here eyes widened. "What are we going to tell her?" Willow collapsed onto the couch and sighed. "She's going to blame Buffy for being the one to kick him out even though she didn't." She looked at Tara distressed. "Dawn loved Spike."

Tara joined Willow and enveloped her in a hug. "She'll understand."

"How can she?!" Willow asked, her voice a little muffled due to being slightly suffocated by Tara's shirt. "I don't even understand it." She looked up. "What happened?"

Tara shrugged. "I have no idea but I'm betting that the thing that did it didn't like him much."

"I'm tired." Willow stood slowly. "I'll check on Buffy and Dawn and then go to bed. You coming?"

Tara nodded once. "In a minute."

Willow made her way upstairs. She checked on Dawn first and found her sleeping peacefully. The sight made Willow sad. Everything was fine when one was dreaming. Consciousness was when he real monsters and demons made people suffer. She shut the door quietly and walked over to Buffy's door. She pushed it open slowly and peeked in. Buffy wasn't in her bed. Willow started for a moment but recovered pretty quickly. Of course Buffy wasn't in her bed. She hadn't returned.

They had assumed that Buffy was come back home but now that Willow thought about it, she realised that this was probably the last place that Buffy wanted to be. If Willow was in Buffy's position right now, she would be outside killing every single demon she could find, which was probably what the Slayer was doing. Letting out all the pain and pent up emotion onto the more deserving population in this city.

Tara came up the stairs. "What's wrong?"

Willow shrugged and headed for their room. "Buffy's not home yet. I guess it's to be expected right?"

Tara smiled vaguely. "I'm not surprised. Is Dawn ok?"

Willow nodded and entered the room. "It's just going to be so weird, not seeing Spike again. I never thought I'd be so sad to see a vampire die."

Tara looked on sympathetically. "It's harder when you know the person."

"But it's not fair on Buffy!" Willow cried. The dam was breaking and there was no stopping it now. "She doesn't see her father anymore, she had to kill Angel, her mother died, and now she's had to watch Spike die in an explosion. How is this fair on her and how much more can she take before she just gives up?"

Tears leaked from Tara's eyes as she hugged Willow. "She's still got us Willow. We'll make sure that she gets through it."

Willow nodded and they got into bed and fell asleep, exhausted.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Dawn yawned and walked down the stairs in a not so ladylike manner which wasn't surprising as she was still half asleep and flat-footed in the mornings. It was safe to say that the youngest Summers was not a morning person, in that respect, she was a lot like her sister but that was not something she would be admitting to anytime soon.

She entered the kitchen as was the morning ritual and spotter Willow and Tara sitting there looking forlorn. Grabbing a piece of toast, she sat opposite them and raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong? You guys look like someone just died."

Her tone was casual. That type of thing was just what people said when someone was upset. She had no idea how accurate she was.

Willow and Tara exchanged a look. What were they going to say? Should they be the one to tell her or Buffy? Buffy hadn't even returned home yet. They didn't know where she was but that didn't make them worry. She spent plenty of time away fighting.

Suddenly Willow remembered what had happened after Buffy had killed Angel. Unable to handle it, being kicked out by her mother and expelled by Sunnydale High, she had left town. What if she had done that again? What if Buffy had just left without a word to go to some unknown city and work and a waitress again?

Willow looked worriedly at Tara who just shook her head as if she could read her thoughts. She heard Tara's voice in her head. "She wouldn't leave Dawn."

Willow visibly calmed down. Tara was right. Dawn's only like left to her family was her sister and Buffy wouldn't leave her again.

They looked at Dawn who was looking at them expectantly and remember that she had asked them a question. Tara smiled at her sadly. Dawn wasn't young anymore, she needed to hear the truth. Willow grabbed Tara's hand under the table for support. "Dawn…we need to tell you something." She began quietly.

Dawn looked at them expectantly.

"I'll tell her." A voice called from the kitchen doorway.

They all turned to look at Buffy who was dirty, bruised and for all intents and purposes, looked broken. Tara nodded and not letting go of Willow's hand, they left the kitchen so the sisters could have their talk.

Buffy took the seat that Willow had been occupying and looked at her sister. She just sat there and watched her looking back. Dawn was the only thing that Buff had left. Sure she had her friends and she loved them but with her mother dead and her dad off gallivanting with his newest secretary, she only had her sister to tie her to the happy family she had once had. Who cared of Dawn had only been a Summers for a year and a bit – Buffy's memories ran longer and she felt otherwise. In the end, it was the feeling that mattered, not the truth.

Buffy took Dawn's hand from across the table and just held it. Dawn looked at their hands and then back into her sister's eyes which seemed to have lost their life. They were empty and bottomless. One could get lost in them now and it wasn't in a good way. "Buffy! What's wrong? You're scaring me."

Buffy heaved a great big sigh and averted her eyes. "We went into the graveyard yesterday." Her voice shook slightly. "At night while you were asleep."

"You were patrolling?" Dawn asked.

Buffy shook her head. "We went to Spike's crypt. Tara thought that something was wrong so we went to check it out."

Dawn was starting to look panicked and Buffy could feel it but she could do anything about it. Now that she'd started, she needed to go on or she wouldn't be able to.

"We got there too late." Buffy rasped.

Dawn pulled her hand out of Buffy and asked, voice like a nine year olds. "What do you mean?"

Tears filled Buffy's eyes again as she chocked. "The crypt exploded before we could get him out."

Dawn stood up so fast that she knocked the stool over. "But he's ok? Buffy!?" Tears filled Dawn's eyes and spilled over. "He's fine right?"

Buffy silently shook her head. She could speak anymore.

"No(!)" Dawn exclaimed quietly. "He's still alive. I'd know if he was dead." She couldn't look at Buffy. Her sister's eyes were so defeated that looking into them killed any kind of hope that she still possessed.  She turned and ran out of the kitchen door and Buffy didn't even try to stop her. She had needed this and knew exactly how Dawn felt.

Willow and Tara re-entered the kitchen. "Do you want me to go after her?" Willow asked kindly.

Buffy shook her head. "I'll ring Xander and tell her to find her later. She needs to be alone."

Willow looked torn. "Buffy, Dawn's going to go and visit Spike crypt. You know that. There is enough of you in Dawn to prove that."

Buffy looked at her friend blankly. "I'm sure she is."

Willow didn't know what to do. The cause was hopeless. She looked at Tara for help but she was just as stumped.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The front door opened a few hours later and in walked Xander and Dawn. Dawn's eyes looked red and puffy and Xander was looking uncomfortable. He probably felt out of place due to the fact that he didn't much like Spike and all of them were mourning him. He didn't know if he should be sympathetic or uninterested. Instead he opted for escape. "I found her at the park. Anya wants me back at the shop so I should go."

Tara nodded and closed the door behind him.

Dawn walked forlornly over to the couch and sat down. It seemed that she was all cried out. The sadness lingered but there was nothing physical left to show for it.

Buffy joined Dawn on the couch and Dawn looked at her. "How did he die? Who did it?"

Buffy shrugged her tiny shoulders bleakly. "I don't know and I don't know how we can find out."

"I want to kill them!" Dawn cried vehemently.

Buffy didn't respond, she felt exactly the same and if she did find them, she was going to beat them to q bloody pulp and then kill them slowly and painfully. Both Summers women were so hell bent on thinking up revenge that they didn't even notice the cloud of leaves and smoke that began swirling around at the side of the room but Willow and Tara did.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

And so endeth the chapter and another cliff-hanger. Sorry guys. Only this one should be easy to guess. Right. I'm off to my mum's Birthday party. Bye.

Dina

Review please. Oh and please don't flame.