RA SENT TOFU

Disclaimer: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I do not own YGO.

A/N: Must have depressed as I deleted ALL my fanfiction. Ah well, at least not it wasn't the most sincere form of self-criticism. It's been sunny for the past 2 days, so I think I'll continue along with the chapters. Yes, weather does affect people's mood. 6% of people have some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder. That just means your moods are affected by the weather. Omoshiroi de ne! (Interesting, isn't it?)

CHOCOLATE, STRAWBERRIES AND CREAMPUFFS?

(Orange-factor. YB x BR)

'…Vegetables are devious creatures which have manifested over the world and have possessed parents to force their children to undergo torture. Torture, which also goes under the alias of 'eating vegetables'. And now they have possessed my yadonushi…memo to self: Must exorcise the boy…'

My host, my hikari, the boy too innocent for his own good, the albino upon first inspection, Ryou-chan, 'uke-chan', whichever you would like to call 'Bakura Ryou' is going vegan? I, the notably most famous tomb robber in 3000 years, am not going to eat like a rabbit. Being close enough to human, which are on the top of the food chain, and they are for a good reason. A reason that was NOT from eating vegetables. I going to have to make my hikari see that point. Being vegan…was being limited to…well, vegetables mostly. No meat, no eggs, no cheese, no milk…no cream. Therefore, no creampuffs. Ah, the almighty and talented tomb robber has an idea and strikes again.

The plan in the said tomb robber wasn't necessarily an orthodox one. If you are anything like his host, Bakura Ryou, think of it like general maths. In order from Point A to Point B, you're going to have to use formulas and etcetera, instead, substitute the formulas with a little bait. If you play a bit with the bait and add a personal touch to it, you just might finder your hikari falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Okay, that might have an element of fishing in it, but there was enough maths for Ryou and other like-minded personnel to comprehend.

"I'm home." setting his bag down and unpacking neatly in his bedroom, he, Ryou Bakura drew out a recipe booklet much like guns from western movies, "Hungry Bakura?"

Sliding stealthily from the doorway, he folded his arms across his chest, which drew the eye to notice a certain attribute to his shirt. His shirt, although an unexceptional blue colour, had small buttons with trailed down the centre of his chest…and those buttons were undone at the top. Many buttons were undone. Unnecessarily so.

Directing a gaze that trickled down his yadonushi's body, swallowing every detail, or otherwise, Bakura was openly checking out his host. He decided against subtlety for the following reasons, Bakura knew that Ryou was as naïve as they come, and he'd like to view Ryou reaction to his open 'interest' in him. Here we go; the naïveté tenshi turns around to catch the insatiable tomb robber checking him out. Will it be the 'cover up, even though you're wearing clothes' or the 'inconspicuously hide behind the couch'?

"Have I got something on my face?"

What? Ryou! I'm not looking at your face; shall I focus my sight so even you get the picture? Stooping down, he made it EXTREMELY obvious that he was NOT looking at his face but rather, his cohort down stairs. Feeling the boy step away and look down to the assigned area, Bakura felt a breakthrough coming along.

"Why are you looking at me like I'm…"

Say it, damn you. Aww, he's blushing, isn't that cute? About time, Ryou. Looks like your father couldn't protect you forever.

"Guess what I bought for you on the way home?" Of course, I don't say this with my usual gruff tone but slow and heavily, if it were possible, sort of like verbal crème Chantilly.

"What did you buy?" I'm a great tomb robber and I do many interesting things that are included in the job description, like going to the local bakery, although that is not one of them, but that isn't the point. The point was that Ryou, my currently elated lighter half, hopped off the couch excitedly and attempted to steal a look at the package behind my back. Sorry, anything to do with stealing is my in my Realm and unfortunately, Ryou, not yours. Otherwise, he was energetic and excited. Great.

"Lindt dark chocolate, strawberries and your favourite, creampuff with summer fruits and double toffee coating. You want it, don't you, Ryou?" Waving it teasingly, I was surprised that he didn't feel as awkward as I thought I would. It wasn't everyday that I 'flirted' or 'aroused' my hikari openly to get what I want.

"Strawberries!!" Diving head first for the fruit currently safe and uneaten in my hands, they'd soon be lodging in his stomach after a while, that is…

Correction. If I didn't move, they would be lodging in his stomach; Re, was I glad to feel the sinews working properly as they once did in Egypt. Luckily, spirits don't deteriorate like normal corpses. But if that had, and thankfully not, a 3000 year old spirit was not going to win any Miss Universe awards any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I won't be winning any of those awards any time soon either, as a very masculine male I am. Back to my not-so-masculine hikari. Cradling Ryou, who was trying to worm away in vain from my half-embrace, I expertly threw him into a wall. Watching him wince as his head crashed into the wall, I assume that he was surprised that I did so, judging by his quickened breath and widened eyes and all. It had been so long since I had done something like that, when I mistreated him. But I would presume that he was even more stunned when wet and deliciously warm sensation would be felt at his neck.

Fun, isn't it Ryou? How much can you stand without pulling away or making a sound?

"Bakura," the boy whines, "that tickles! Sto-op it…" He continues to giggle like crazy and doubled up in hysterics as I discover an area where he was particularly ticklish.

I find myself twitching for the second time today. First, there was the 'is there something on my face?' incident and now, 'it tickles'? I'm going to have to watch the twitching.

"You have no idea what's happening do you?"

"You're tongue is tickling me," he laughs. I do not share the same humour as he does, since he finds the mundane to be funny. I do not find this to be amusing. "And I just stole your strawberries." And he stole the strawberries. This makes my day. The greatest tomb robber in all history is losing his touch? I twitch without control and have had the witless hikari steal my strawberries? What is the world coming to?

Laughing as he ran to the kitchen and quickly cleaned the luscious red fruit and started biting into one and enjoying the wrathless aura of the warm kitchen, until I come into the kitchen with a smirk.

"You stole them off me?"

"Ye-es? I have been spending way too much time around you. By the way, I challenge you to a chubby-bubby contest!"

"Bubby contest? What the," but I stop right there, due to my hikari's warning glare. I've heard so many times, 'language, language' he would titter. I'm not even allowed mild expletives; I'm not even allowed to say the word 'hell' if he could help it. My naïve hikari, I grumble, has yet to learn decent language skills.

"Chubby-bubby, two words with a hyphen in between. I put one strawberry in my mouth, and say 'chubby bubby' then you put two in your mouth, say 'chubby bubby', then I try beat you. Whoever has the most in their mouth and CAN say 'chubby bubby', wins."

"You are extremely childish, yadonushi."

"So you're not playing?"

"The…something…I'm not. Of course I am!"

Popping the smallest strawberry in his mouth, Ryou maintained a straight face and said 'chubby bubby'. This game doesn't look all that hard and it has food involved; and I am much in the mood for a game. Re, I sound so much like that…other duellist…when I say that. Watch your mouth, master tomb robber. Re, I sound like Ryou when I say that. Ra damn it all, they've cramped my style.

"…5 chubby bubbies." Stuffing another strawberry into his mouth, I had no idea that so many strawberries could fit into his mouth. What did my hikari do in his spare time? Let's not let my mind wander there.

"…seban sharby bubbies." He might be able to fit 5 strawberries into his mouth, but let's see whether he's skilful enough to keep up with me.

Attempting to maintain a straight face, I watch my hikari go a strawberry tone in face; and eventually he gives in…and choked. Coughing the mushy strawberries into his hands, he discreetly finished them off.

"You win." Let that be a lesson to you. Unless you want to lose, don't challenge the Great Tomb Robber to any contests.

"Don't that get to your head, Bakura." Too late, it already has! I am the greatest! Too bad, Ryou, I scoff. I am so going to celebrate and you can't stop me…

Reminded of the 'seafood' stunt, I spit the messy pink splodge and gave the boy a good look, before putting it back into my own mouth.

"That's gross!" It was supposed to be, my easily disgusted hikari. 7 strawberries stuffed in one's mouth, half chewed, slobbered over, and shown to a hikari is not intended to be a pretty sight.

"You're not the only one who can be childish."

"You're…fine then. But guess what? I am going to now teach you table manners."

"I didn't know you were funny, guess you learn something new everyday."

"I'm not being funny. I'm serious!"

My host is being serious? My host…is teaching me table manners? Severe déjà vu going on here, not that I was ever taught 'table manner's ever in my thieving career, but I know a threat whenever I hear one. And hearing my yadonushi say 'teach me table manners' is more threat than anything else. Damn, if this was revenge for the 'seafood' stunt, he was good at whipping up revenge. I would be proud of him if sentiments of disgust and disbelief weren't already occupying the emotion centre.

"If you're teaching me table manners, I'm going to teach you how to become a good thief." No use persuading my stubborn hikari, but I'll let him onto the art of thievery. Maybe then, his version of table manners will be rendered obsolete and that'll never hear those frightening 5 words ever again.

"I'm going out, Bakura. Look after the house, can you?"

Can a Pharaoh be frustrating? What kind of question was that? Of course, the Pharaoh can be irritating and, Re give me patience, I can look after a house.

3 hours, 12 minutes, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49 seconds…

The Great Tomb Robber is watching the clock and counting seconds.

The Great Tomb Robber is bored.

The Great Tomb Robber will now muse.

'If they can be beaten, arrange for them to be beaten." Of course, if you have an ego too large for your capabilities, you may have to bluff in order to escape from the dilemma in one piece. You may choose to call your bluff by the ever so popular 'Move and I'll knife your friend' or if you wish to demonstrate your superiority (or have gone insane and are lacking weapons) you may smirk. Yes, smirk. Do not ever underestimate the smirk. A good, natural but fear-inspiring smirk has been one of the main tools of great tomb robbers, for if you smirk, you intimidate your enemy. Therefore, the smirk is an essential part of thief-ship.

So henceforth, I will teach Ryou, my naïve trainee, how to smirk. Wait, pause and rewind, did I say trainee? No, that'll not do, I correct myself, I will teach my naïve acolyte, Ryou, how to smirk. Trainee is such a vulgar term used specifically for those incompetent fast-food joint rookies. No, what I am about to teach is nothing as frivolous as the perkily annoying manner of the cheery 'How may I help you?" Ryou, my newly instated acolyte, you will learn the first steps to tomb-robber-ship: How to Smirk.

Let's test out a theory. Of course, you may cringe and/or immediately reach for your mobile phone and call the pathetic excuse your country has for an 'Army', 'Air force' or 'Navy'. Or all three if I am particularly…playful…on that occasion. Rest assured, I occasionally do have moments where my mind has been overridden by my Hikari, and that my thoughts or ideas do not include blood, stealing, maniacal laughter, jumping in front of motorcycles, soul infusing, bodily harm, Shadow Realms, mental harm or any other harm of any sort for that matter. But back to my example, I might want to tell you that, never mind, Ryou has just come home. About time too.

"I'm home," Yes, Ryou. I heard you open the door. Can you blame me? I am tomb robber, I must have acute senses for maximising my chance for escape, "Are you hungry? Do you want lentil stew or the marinated tofu?"

Am I hungry? Has the thought of me being a spirit ever occurred to him? Not that it really matters. I like to eat. It's… fascinating. Especially the way my Hikari walks out of the room whenever we, or just I, have steak. It is fun to watch strands of raw muscle separate and watch globules of congealed blood drip onto the freshly cleaned table. I also like to scribe all sorts of homicidal oaths in the messy puddle. But enough of my eating habits, shall we move on to my Hikari's recent arrival? Not that you have any choice, of course.

"Whatever you like, Yadonushi," smirking as I imitate Ryou's distinct 'sweet' voice, "I don't mind." Reaching the climax of the smirk, depending if you really feel like it or how skilled you are in smirking, you may straighten your posture round about now and maybe discreetly tiptoe while you were at it. That is 'increasing your body size to achieve the dominating stance'.

"What?" My Hikari is surprised, why? This isn't the way it's supposed to go. Sometimes, in your unorthodox career, you may encounter those who do not recognise the frighteningly dominant aura trying to engulf them. Ryou, being as naïve as they come, primary school children included, is one of them. Listen up, Ryou, listen to the menacingly overly sweet voice of yours coming out of the mouth of your masochistic-sadistic yami. You should be beginning to cower in fear to my plotting scheme that should be apparent in my dangerously sweet voice. You should be backing into the wall and trying to run away. You should be afraid. Be afraid, your scheming yami is carrying out his sinister plans of manipulation.

"You're letting me choose! That's so sweet," he cooed as he does that monstrous action called 'glomping', "Thank-you." Wait! He cooed? What? Hey! My Hikari gave me a, a, a…kiss on the cheek? What? Ew. That so, so, so… disgusting… ly …sweet? That's my stance! I'm supposed to be dangerously sweet as to scare that idiotic Pharaoh, dare I consider his name important enough to type upon this screen? No, pathetic Pharaoh. His name shall be unknown, worthless creature, wretched excuse of a handsomely bronzed pharaoh…No! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Erm, yes, his name isn't important.

"Why are you blushing?" Breaking my odd daydream about…daydream? I would like to make it clear to the audience that: I DO NOT DAYDREAM. Especially about idiotic Pharaohs.

"I am NOT blushing," I say, articulating every syllable in what I hope was a 'say-that-again-and-I-will-kill-you' voice.

"…of course not. I think I want some more of that lentil stew. I bought bread from the new bakery!"

Wonderful. We're having some more of his 'food'. I say 'food' in the loosest sense, in a respective light; it resembles nothing more than pellet shaped bits of Lego™ mixed around something with the consistency of Clag Paste™. Looking on the bright side, as an extreme optimist I am, at least we have bread. Hopefully, it'll be the type with the bacon, cheese, onion, mushroom and herb one my Hikari sometimes buys. Of course, the first time Ryou bought it for me, there were vegetables on it, as an attempt to get me to succumb to the scheming vegetables. But, as persistent as I am, after I'm through with it, there'll be little cubes of capsicum and other whatnot in the bottom of the cheesy-scented plastic bag. But alas, there was no such thing, just plain fare of some abnormally round loaf of bread. And it wasn't even flat…

I will admit now that the oddly shaped loaf was quite nice, it was lighter than the usual kind of bread. With hindsight, why am I talking about bread? Out of all the things I could talk about, it just had to be bread…

"Bakura. Relax, no one is going to steal your food. Only you do that," my hikari says. Why would he say that? It's not like my eating habits, which consist of eating a chunk of everything at one time and giving everyone a think over before allowing them anywhere within 2 metres of my food and I. Or the habitual glaring at the kitchen sink or at the backdoor, or even the hunched posture of one protecting his food was going any impression that I was expecting some hostile group to appear and take advantage of a busy tomb-robber and assault him and his food now and then, right? Maybe I was being territorial or my tomb robber instincts were kicking in, as old habits die hard, but there was always the chance of someone so stupid as to not to know that I, the Greatest Tomb Robber In All History, will eviscerate those who trespass over my food.

"Yami, I'm hardly likely going to steal your bread." Yes, I am being territorial over bread, and if you want to make something out of that, and when I finished with you, what is left would be a disgusting spreadable mush between two crackers. Raising an eyebrow in a way as to enquire further from my host, I quickly finished off the last of the strange but filling bread.

"Have you ever paid attention to table manners?"

That. Was. Uncalled. For. It was as blunt as my hikari gets, in any case. Was he saying I ate messily? I am not taking offence, no, I didn't get to be me by being thin-skinned. How could I have been so careless as to remind him of the table manners incident? Demonstrating a facial expression half way between annoyance and amusement, I earned a gentle sigh from by now-converted-vegan hikari.

"Ryou," I start, "Do you like seafood?" Speaking table manners, this has a far drawn link with it. If he can mention the table manners thing twice in one day, chances are I can pull this of twice in one day too.

"Ye-es. Why?" Poor confused Ryou. He was weak, submissive, perfect target the petty. That was why he needed me, the young dashing King Of Theives. Note to self: Instead of reading Ryou's childhood fairytales, do something productive and go rob Kaiba's manor instead.

Opening my mouth, I gave my hikari a scenic view of my teeth, throat and contents before swallowing and laughing maniacally to the bathroom. You'd think I would be extremely mature by now, but you thought wrong. Childish muchly? Did I just say 'muchly'? Despite my protesting mind, I think I did. Memo to self: (Again) Teach Ryou some decent, or indecent, depending how you look on it, language. Language is a great thing, I use it all the time to taunt and threaten people. Regardless of what schools teach nowadays, the knowledge of rudimentary cussing and swearing is a practical and fundamental point of one's normal life.

Take one man for instance, I cannot recall his name but like that Pharaoh, whose name is not significant enough to be mentioned, had lacked the language skills of a street-skilled persona and so therefore, had the supreme misfortune of never learning any useful 'swear' words. So, he had resorted to insulting others by calling them common objects of the household. Personally, I do not think the insult 'You toothbrush' would flare anyone's temper; in fact, the result would be much the contrary.

Yes, my yadonushi must learn some good taunts or threats to use in self-defence, and learning the art of thievery would be a good idea. One, he could defend himself. See? I am a caring yami. He and I could also have a good time terrorising the city, though I'm not sure whether we would agree. After have mulled over this for a short while, I, the King Of Thieves, have decided to teach my hikari the intricate art of thievery.

Stealthily appearing beside his bedside, I used my metaphysical hands to shelter the soft golden light emitted from the Millennium Ring. He looks, if one must lack originality, angelic, with an ash grey line of streetlamp light sweeping across his face. Not that I actually thought the boy was beautiful, no, not in that sense, but generally, he was. He was pretty to say the least, and innocent, plus all the virtues I lacked a few millennia ago…but there was no denying that he was feminine. Ah well, where that streak of admiration or compassion came from I don't really care, just as long as it doesn't happen when he's conscious, then I don't mind, but if am to stay by my word of education, here goes nothing.

"Ryou…"

He cracks open an eyelid and closes it immediately due to the exceedingly bright glare from outside, and reluctantly forces himself awake. Of course, what sort of yami would I be if I didn't help him? I cradle him in my arms and stoked his soft hair. Have I ever mentioned how beautiful the boy was? I have, haven't I? I hold his shaking shoulders and draw him closer. His body heat is radiating from his body rapidly; I've always thought that he was just a heater. But enough of my over-romantic, maudlin, syrupy thoughts for my Light, I stick to my word and if I imply that I'm not going to expose him to my admiration and compassion for him, then it'll stay that way. Shaking him violently, he jerks back into full consciousness and cries 'stop' when his head snapped back and forth in a painful manner. He attempts to focus his mahogany brown eyes onto my face. He has pretty eyes.

"Yami? It's 3…3 something in the morning, why did you wake me up? I want to go to sleep…"

"Ryou-kun, from now on you will refer to me as Bakura-sama or Bakura-senpai, as I am your new master. You will do my bidding without questions and listen when I speak. Any questions?"

"Are…are you going to cut me again?" Cut him? Since when have I…I remember now. Did he really have to bring that up again? I-I-have been spending an excessive amount of time with my Hikari and have gained a partial understanding for morals. At least, enough understanding to feel guilty when I hurt my Hikari, but other people? No, as far as I'm concerned, everybody may be culled for our Gods just as long as no one tells my Hikari and makes him cry. I hate, absolutely hate, to see him cry. It…angers me. Just to see him so helpless, I like to see that he has choice. Gives him some control. I like control.

"Do you want me to cut you?" It was a perfectly plausible question. I am giving him choice.

"No," he says quickly, "It's just that, that…" he mutters inaudibly. Even to my ears it's inaudible. More of a whimper. I hate it when he does that. He needs to learn confidence, I don't like it when people intimidate on him and I don't like it when he feels scared, anymore. Enough ramblings of a morals-tormented mind of an at least 3000-year-old spirit of a tomb robber, shall I debrief the situation to my charge?

"Never mind what you call me, I don't care. But guess what? I'm going to teach you how to be a thief."

"What?!" Why is that his initial expression? Why do I detect a lack of appreciation? Thievery isn't bad. There's nothing wrong with thievery, despite the much over-rated television shows my hikari, I assume, likes watching. Shows like CSI, CSI Miami, SVU, SVU Special units and other forensics-related crime shows. Not that I mind the modern technology and their cued lines of logic, but it is plainly…well, inaccurate. Hearing this from me could also be inaccurate, since I AM a thief and all and just MIGHT be biased. But at least I CAN speak from experience. Thievery is not bad.

Smirk, Ryou. Smirk. I have been repeating myself for the past hour and my metaphysical throat is becoming parched. It isn't that difficult, to smirk is it? Why? Why, Ryou? Why much you smile feebly in an attempt.

"Smirk, Ryou. Smirk. Ryou, please, just smirk, please…okay…I'll teach you something else."

Mu-ahaha, Ryou. Laugh evilly. Accentuate the 'ha' with everybreath you take for maximum effect. Cackle, even. None of that horrible giggling. It feels like a whole colony of robins, other cute birds have taken a liking to inside my mind, and bred a billion chirpy clones and all have started to titter loudly inside my head. At moments like these, I truly do exercise my will and resist wrapping my hands around his skinny white neck and throttling the hell out him before drowning him in the nearest wash basin.

"Yamete! Stop EVERYTHING! Don't smirk, don't cackle, and don't do anything. Please don't do anything. Really, Ryou, stop. N-o-o-o…STOP!! I'll stop teaching you! Just stop!"

My hikari is torturing me. I am not going to elaborate with sentences full of laced threats or anything else. Just the simple sentence. That, describes the experience avidly. It was simple torture. There was no emotion, no devices. Just simple torture. Simple torture simply deserves a simple sentence. Simple.

"Muahaha! Had enough Bakura?" Was that HIS lip twitching upwards in a half sadistic fashion? If I hadn't had known him so well, so had so much experience in smirking, I would failed to register that spasmodic twitch as a smirk. He cackles! He smirks! All at the price of a tortured yami…my hikari is sadistic. Damn, I don't like him anymore. Hell, am I kidding myself or what? I love the boy! He makes me feel SO proud!

How to smirk: Successful. Ryou is an apt smirker, he is progressing quickly, and it would be recommended that he practice in the field. Next lesson, I suggest we go to Yuugi's house and pay him a little visit. For our own reasons, I think we can both look forward to that.

TBC.

A/N: 4, 600 words approximately. Not much editing has been done, but satisfactory. Prolong the shelf life of my good mood and review, onegai?