Disclaimer: (Anrion glares, snatches up a megaphone, stomps to the top of Bird Rock and screeches "Harry Potter is not ours! Get it through your thick heads!!" Then notices two boys sitting on a nearby rock gaping at her. "Er. . .oops. Sorry, Bran, Will, wrong book." and runs away before they realize that one of them has an invisible sword and the other has magic words of power that can banish people outside time and space.) I know I've used that one before, but I thought it was funny.
~*~*~ Chapter Thirteen: Carpet Monsters and Draco's Scarred Childhood (Even the Gryffindors Feel For Him!!) ~*~*~
A bright golden sun was just peeking over the crest of the hill above Hogwarts. On top of a tower, a rooster was crowing exuberantly, broadcasting to the Hogwartian world that it was morning and indeed time to awake.
Unfortunately for the rooster, one very disgruntled black haired, grey-eyed thirty-something year old was not in the mood to listen to his crowing.
Sirius Black stalked angrily over to the window of Gryffindor Tower and flung it open, searching left and right for the infuriating farm animal. "Shut the bloody hell up!" he screeched, lobbing Ron Weasley's conveniently placed tennis shoe in the bird's direction.
When the crowing ceased, Sirius nodded happily and turned back toward bed. . .just in time for the shoe to come flying back and smack him directly in the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto Remus Lupin's bed, accompanied by a triumphant squawk and the fluttering of wings.
Remus rolled over unconsciously, flinging his arm around a panicked Sirius' neck. The werewolf pulled a face in his sleep, squeezing his friend's neck experimentally. "Woofies, I think you've grown my little friend. . . ." he muttered sleepily.
"REEEEEEEEEEEMUS!"
The piercing wail woke the werewolf up immediately, sending him flying into a sitting position.
"No! Not the king bats! Not again!" he cried, then calmed down, and noticed the very disgruntled animagus still tucked under his arm. He grinned, "Now, Sirius, Poopsie, if you needed to crawl into bed with me you could've just asked."
"Let go of me you great nift!" Sirius yelped indignantly, backing off the bed when Remus complied.
Remus cocked an eyebrow, looking from the open window, to the tennis shoe lying innocently on the floor behind his friend, to Sirius' mussed hair. "Padfoot, you got in a fight with a barnyard animal again didn't you?"
Sirius nodded mutely.
"And you lost." the impassible DADA professor stated professionally.
"Remus! Let me keep a bit of my dignity, you deranged canine!"
The werewolf cocked his head. "Dignity? What is this 'dignity' you speak of? Oh! I remember now! Dignity is the thing I gave up as soon as I became your friend!" he said, getting up and walking toward the bathroom.
Sirius glowered, but then snickered. "And the minute you put on those too."
"What?" Remus asked, turning around.
Sirius giggled, and point at Remus, who looked down curiously.
"AAAAAAAARGH!" Remus dove toward his bed, grabbing a sheet and wrapping it around himself in a blur, while Sirius collapsed on the floor laughing hysterically and clutching his stomach.
"What's going on?" Harry asked groggily, sitting up.
"Moony! Heart boxers?! You're a grown man!" Sirius howled.
Harry snickered, and Remus finally realized something. "Er. . .Paddy, I wouldn't be talking."
"Huh?" Sirius looked down. And across the school, even the Slytherins were jolted awake at the blood-curdling shriek that emanated from Gryffindor Tower.
~*~*~
"What kind of evil, foul, vile force would dare to put Remus and I into black silk heart boxers?!" Sirius shrieked, storming down the stairs into the common room.
"Sirius," Remus said soothingly, as though speaking to a very small child, "I'm sure that it was all a perfectly innocent mistake."
"Riiiiight! Of course, naïve little Moony. A guy like ME, with abs like THIS," he puffed out his chest impressively, "Psh! Like getting me shirtless was an innocent mistake!"
Remus stared at Sirius as though he had gone insane. "Uh huh. . .well, naïve little Moony is going to go down and stuff his face with some well eared breakfast. Does Padfoot want to come?"
"Padfoot would love to, and he would also like to state that he is very pleased that Mr. Moony is talking in third person as Mr. Moony has not done that since sixth year."
~*~*~
"BACON!" Sirius screeched, pouncing happily on the plate of food in front of a frightened looking first year and stuffing handfuls of it at a time into his mouth.
"Are you sure, Sirius?" Remus asked curiously, with a mischievous Marauder gleam in his eyes.
Sirius stopped just long enough to stare at Remus as though he were mad. "Yes, of course I'm sure!" before digging once again into the food on the plate as the first year slipped fearfully away from him and tore across the hall toward the door.
Remus grinned, pulling a box out of a pocket in his robes, holding it up for the Gryffindors to see. "He actually thinks it's bacon!" he pointed to the label on the box, "Beggin' Strips! Your dog won't know the difference!"
Everyone along the table burst into laughter, as Sirius glared at Remus. "This is SO bacon, you insufferable twat!"
Remus grinned and laughed, just as Nick walked into the hall, muttering something.
"Hey, Hardaway!" Remus said, striding over and leaving Sirius with the Beggin' Strips, "What's up?"
"What's up? What's up?!" Nick screeched, "I'll tell you what's up! I woke up this morning in a pair of silk boxers--I only where briefs, personally--when I clearly went to bed wearing sweatpants and I've had a vision that I'm going to be eaten by a carpet monster!"
"A. . .carpet monster?" Remus asked skeptically.
"YES! You teach Defense Against the Freaking Dark Arts! Why haven't you warned the students about such an evil?!" Nick glared at Remus looking slightly deranged as he pulled at his hair. "They're everywhere!" he shrieked, before walking calmly off toward the staff table, still muttering quietly.
Remus stared after him. "Right. And I'm a pink poodle."
"Hey, Remus!"
The werewolf turned, looking at Orlando as though he had sprouted another head. "You've been here almost two weeks and never before have you been the one to initiate a conversation." he said, cocking an eyebrow inquisitively.
Orlando shrugged. "The way I see it, you're the only slightly sane adult that's talking to me, so I came to you. See, I woke up this morning in nothing but my boxers. . .and--"
"You too?!" Remus yelled, "God, that's four! Sirius, Nick, you and me! What the bloody hell's going on?!"
"Too?! Someone wanted to see YOU in your boxers?!" Orlando openly stared, Remus glared. . .they were silent for a minute. Then, "You know, you're kinda creepy when you're glaring like that." Orlando mumbled, looking down at his shoes.
Remus beamed at having won the staring contest. "Now, what did you want?"
"I--I know who did it." he mumbled.
"WHO?!" Remus roared.
"Her." Orlando mumbled, pointing to someone behind Remus, who leaned to the side to get a good view around him.
"It was a rather simple spell really," Hermione was saying to Pavarti and Lavender, "I just cast the charm through their doors and transfigured their bedposts into cameras for a couple hours."
The other two Gryffindor girls squealed excitedly. "All four of them, 'Mione?!"
She nodded happily, looking from one to the other quickly. "The pictures should be ready by this afternoon, I'll show them to you later tonight."
By this time, everyone near Remus had backed slowly away from him for fear of him literally exploding. Orlando gulped and scuttled away to Nick, whom he'd become rather chummy with and they both flew under the Staff Table to wait out the pending storm.
"HERMIONE GRANGER!"
The shriek was so loud that it echoed off the Great Hall's ceiling and even Sirius looked up from his plate of Beggin' Strips.
Hermione gulped and looked up in shock. "Y-yes, Professor?" she asked sweetly.
"You--"
Remus was cut of by the doors to the Hall flying open and Draco sprinting into the room, covering his ears with his hands and shouting incoherently.
Sirius walked up to stand near Remus, staring at the hysterical Slytherin as he ran toward them. "Er. . .what's wrong with the Malfoy kid?"
Remus shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it runs in the family."
"Hermione!" Draco howled, running to drop to his knees behind her and hiding his face in her robes. "Save me! Help me! Don't let him near me!"
The Gryffindor looked down at him questioningly, placing a hand on his head. "Draco? What is it?"
"It's the carpet monster!" Nick shrieked, jumping out from under the table and pointing frantically at the door. "I told you, Lupin! I told you they existed! It's coming to eat me! Malfoy was just in the way!"
"No, you idiotic twat!" Draco screeched, "What the hell are you talking about?! It's. . .him! It's. . . ."
"BLAH!"
Everyone turned to look once again at the door as a tiny figure jumped into the Hall. "Blah! Blah!"
Remus and Sirius both shrieked fearfully, and both dove under the Gryffindor table as Count Chocula strode into the room, grinning smugly. Draco gulped and ran after Sirius and Remus, cowering behind them.
"Blah! I bring cocoa puffs! BLAH!" Count Chocula howled gleefully, raising his hands toward the ceiling.
Just then, a rain of cocoa puffs started falling from the enchanted ceiling. Draco cried out in fear and buried his face in his hands. "Not the coca puffs!" he howled, "Save me 'Mione!"
Hermione glanced around, as though looking for help. "Draco, I don't know what to do. What's wrong?"
"Bad. . .bad memories. . . ." Draco whined, rocking back and forth on hid knees and covering his ears. "No. . .Dad, please. . .NOT THE COCA PUFFS!!"
"I knew this had to be something to do with Lucius!" Sirius cried triumphantly. "Someone contain that vampire!"
Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas ran forward to grab Count Chocula by the arms.
"Oh!" Sirius cried, "And bring me his bowl!"
"NOOO!" the count shrieked as the bowl was wrenched from his grasp, "Not my bowl of death!" and Seamus and Dean drug him kicking and screaming from the hall.
After the commotion made by the tiny vampire (or Trelawney's distant relative) subsided, Draco crawled hesitantly out from under the table.
"So. . .Malfoy, what's up with you and coca puffs?" Remus asked hesitantly.
Draco looked up at him fearfully, glancing from him, to Sirius, to Harry, to Ron and finally to Hermione. "It. . .it all started when I was five. . . ."
*FLASHBACK*
"Draco!"
The five-year-old Draco stopped in his tracks. Dropping his miniature broom, he turned around, fearfully looking at the door of the mansion as his father stepped out, holding up something pink and poofy, grinning.
Young Draco gulped and started slowly backing away. "Er. . .Dad, I've gotta go. . .practice my. . .potions. Yeah! My. . .potions!"
Lucius scowled lightly, "Now, Dracie, you can practice your potions any time. How often do you get to play dress up with your Daddy?"
"Too often!" the little boy screeched and scampered off in the opposite direction.
Lucius growled, charging off after his son, snatching him up and dragging him back toward the house, kicking and screaming.
Several minutes later, after Draco had been forced into the pink, poofy thing (which turned out to be a dress--Lucius always wanted a daughter to play dolls with--) he was sat in a high chair, a bowl of (dun, dun, dun!) cocoa puffs sitting in front of him, with Lucius holding a spoonful of the cereal in front of his mouth.
He grinned at the little boy, who scowled and crossed his arms stubbornly, firmly closing his mouth.
"Here comes the broomstick, coming in for a landing!" Lucius giggled, pushing the spoon near his son's mouth. Draco turned his head away.
"Draco. . ." Lucius warned.
The little boy shook his head.
"Fine!" Lucius growled. "If you don't open up or your REAL broomstick (minds out of the gutter, people!) goes into the fire!"
Draco whimpered, but complied silently.
*END FLASHBACK*
"It was so disturbing!" Draco wailed, sobbing into Hermione's robes, she patted his head awkwardly, looking up at the sniggering Harry and Ron and bent up with silent hysterical laughter Remus and Sirius.
"Oh, you guys are SO helpful!" she growled, "Professor Lupin, you're supposed to be the sensitive one!"
Remus choked. "He's YOUR boyfriend, Hermione! Deal with it yourself!"
She scowled.
"Oh," Remus said, "And I expect those pictures on my desk, STILL UNTOUCHED or UNSEEN on my desk tomorrow morning."
Hermione sighed with defeat as Remus dragged a still hysterical Sirius out the door toward the DADA room to get ready for lessons.
"Lucius. . .dressed him up. . .in. . .GIRLS clothes!" echoed down the hall behind them.
~*~*~
Oi. Sorry it took so long to update. I've been in a state of shock for a few weeks. As has Sanaria, and pretty much every other HP fan alive!! AGH! Well, anyway, this chapter is obviously dedicated to Snuffles. . .and we'll try to update soon!
Oh, by the way, tell us if you'd like any other random guest stars. . .we've got a couple in mind but don't want to take away from the real stars!
~*~*~ Chapter Thirteen: Carpet Monsters and Draco's Scarred Childhood (Even the Gryffindors Feel For Him!!) ~*~*~
A bright golden sun was just peeking over the crest of the hill above Hogwarts. On top of a tower, a rooster was crowing exuberantly, broadcasting to the Hogwartian world that it was morning and indeed time to awake.
Unfortunately for the rooster, one very disgruntled black haired, grey-eyed thirty-something year old was not in the mood to listen to his crowing.
Sirius Black stalked angrily over to the window of Gryffindor Tower and flung it open, searching left and right for the infuriating farm animal. "Shut the bloody hell up!" he screeched, lobbing Ron Weasley's conveniently placed tennis shoe in the bird's direction.
When the crowing ceased, Sirius nodded happily and turned back toward bed. . .just in time for the shoe to come flying back and smack him directly in the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto Remus Lupin's bed, accompanied by a triumphant squawk and the fluttering of wings.
Remus rolled over unconsciously, flinging his arm around a panicked Sirius' neck. The werewolf pulled a face in his sleep, squeezing his friend's neck experimentally. "Woofies, I think you've grown my little friend. . . ." he muttered sleepily.
"REEEEEEEEEEEMUS!"
The piercing wail woke the werewolf up immediately, sending him flying into a sitting position.
"No! Not the king bats! Not again!" he cried, then calmed down, and noticed the very disgruntled animagus still tucked under his arm. He grinned, "Now, Sirius, Poopsie, if you needed to crawl into bed with me you could've just asked."
"Let go of me you great nift!" Sirius yelped indignantly, backing off the bed when Remus complied.
Remus cocked an eyebrow, looking from the open window, to the tennis shoe lying innocently on the floor behind his friend, to Sirius' mussed hair. "Padfoot, you got in a fight with a barnyard animal again didn't you?"
Sirius nodded mutely.
"And you lost." the impassible DADA professor stated professionally.
"Remus! Let me keep a bit of my dignity, you deranged canine!"
The werewolf cocked his head. "Dignity? What is this 'dignity' you speak of? Oh! I remember now! Dignity is the thing I gave up as soon as I became your friend!" he said, getting up and walking toward the bathroom.
Sirius glowered, but then snickered. "And the minute you put on those too."
"What?" Remus asked, turning around.
Sirius giggled, and point at Remus, who looked down curiously.
"AAAAAAAARGH!" Remus dove toward his bed, grabbing a sheet and wrapping it around himself in a blur, while Sirius collapsed on the floor laughing hysterically and clutching his stomach.
"What's going on?" Harry asked groggily, sitting up.
"Moony! Heart boxers?! You're a grown man!" Sirius howled.
Harry snickered, and Remus finally realized something. "Er. . .Paddy, I wouldn't be talking."
"Huh?" Sirius looked down. And across the school, even the Slytherins were jolted awake at the blood-curdling shriek that emanated from Gryffindor Tower.
~*~*~
"What kind of evil, foul, vile force would dare to put Remus and I into black silk heart boxers?!" Sirius shrieked, storming down the stairs into the common room.
"Sirius," Remus said soothingly, as though speaking to a very small child, "I'm sure that it was all a perfectly innocent mistake."
"Riiiiight! Of course, naïve little Moony. A guy like ME, with abs like THIS," he puffed out his chest impressively, "Psh! Like getting me shirtless was an innocent mistake!"
Remus stared at Sirius as though he had gone insane. "Uh huh. . .well, naïve little Moony is going to go down and stuff his face with some well eared breakfast. Does Padfoot want to come?"
"Padfoot would love to, and he would also like to state that he is very pleased that Mr. Moony is talking in third person as Mr. Moony has not done that since sixth year."
~*~*~
"BACON!" Sirius screeched, pouncing happily on the plate of food in front of a frightened looking first year and stuffing handfuls of it at a time into his mouth.
"Are you sure, Sirius?" Remus asked curiously, with a mischievous Marauder gleam in his eyes.
Sirius stopped just long enough to stare at Remus as though he were mad. "Yes, of course I'm sure!" before digging once again into the food on the plate as the first year slipped fearfully away from him and tore across the hall toward the door.
Remus grinned, pulling a box out of a pocket in his robes, holding it up for the Gryffindors to see. "He actually thinks it's bacon!" he pointed to the label on the box, "Beggin' Strips! Your dog won't know the difference!"
Everyone along the table burst into laughter, as Sirius glared at Remus. "This is SO bacon, you insufferable twat!"
Remus grinned and laughed, just as Nick walked into the hall, muttering something.
"Hey, Hardaway!" Remus said, striding over and leaving Sirius with the Beggin' Strips, "What's up?"
"What's up? What's up?!" Nick screeched, "I'll tell you what's up! I woke up this morning in a pair of silk boxers--I only where briefs, personally--when I clearly went to bed wearing sweatpants and I've had a vision that I'm going to be eaten by a carpet monster!"
"A. . .carpet monster?" Remus asked skeptically.
"YES! You teach Defense Against the Freaking Dark Arts! Why haven't you warned the students about such an evil?!" Nick glared at Remus looking slightly deranged as he pulled at his hair. "They're everywhere!" he shrieked, before walking calmly off toward the staff table, still muttering quietly.
Remus stared after him. "Right. And I'm a pink poodle."
"Hey, Remus!"
The werewolf turned, looking at Orlando as though he had sprouted another head. "You've been here almost two weeks and never before have you been the one to initiate a conversation." he said, cocking an eyebrow inquisitively.
Orlando shrugged. "The way I see it, you're the only slightly sane adult that's talking to me, so I came to you. See, I woke up this morning in nothing but my boxers. . .and--"
"You too?!" Remus yelled, "God, that's four! Sirius, Nick, you and me! What the bloody hell's going on?!"
"Too?! Someone wanted to see YOU in your boxers?!" Orlando openly stared, Remus glared. . .they were silent for a minute. Then, "You know, you're kinda creepy when you're glaring like that." Orlando mumbled, looking down at his shoes.
Remus beamed at having won the staring contest. "Now, what did you want?"
"I--I know who did it." he mumbled.
"WHO?!" Remus roared.
"Her." Orlando mumbled, pointing to someone behind Remus, who leaned to the side to get a good view around him.
"It was a rather simple spell really," Hermione was saying to Pavarti and Lavender, "I just cast the charm through their doors and transfigured their bedposts into cameras for a couple hours."
The other two Gryffindor girls squealed excitedly. "All four of them, 'Mione?!"
She nodded happily, looking from one to the other quickly. "The pictures should be ready by this afternoon, I'll show them to you later tonight."
By this time, everyone near Remus had backed slowly away from him for fear of him literally exploding. Orlando gulped and scuttled away to Nick, whom he'd become rather chummy with and they both flew under the Staff Table to wait out the pending storm.
"HERMIONE GRANGER!"
The shriek was so loud that it echoed off the Great Hall's ceiling and even Sirius looked up from his plate of Beggin' Strips.
Hermione gulped and looked up in shock. "Y-yes, Professor?" she asked sweetly.
"You--"
Remus was cut of by the doors to the Hall flying open and Draco sprinting into the room, covering his ears with his hands and shouting incoherently.
Sirius walked up to stand near Remus, staring at the hysterical Slytherin as he ran toward them. "Er. . .what's wrong with the Malfoy kid?"
Remus shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it runs in the family."
"Hermione!" Draco howled, running to drop to his knees behind her and hiding his face in her robes. "Save me! Help me! Don't let him near me!"
The Gryffindor looked down at him questioningly, placing a hand on his head. "Draco? What is it?"
"It's the carpet monster!" Nick shrieked, jumping out from under the table and pointing frantically at the door. "I told you, Lupin! I told you they existed! It's coming to eat me! Malfoy was just in the way!"
"No, you idiotic twat!" Draco screeched, "What the hell are you talking about?! It's. . .him! It's. . . ."
"BLAH!"
Everyone turned to look once again at the door as a tiny figure jumped into the Hall. "Blah! Blah!"
Remus and Sirius both shrieked fearfully, and both dove under the Gryffindor table as Count Chocula strode into the room, grinning smugly. Draco gulped and ran after Sirius and Remus, cowering behind them.
"Blah! I bring cocoa puffs! BLAH!" Count Chocula howled gleefully, raising his hands toward the ceiling.
Just then, a rain of cocoa puffs started falling from the enchanted ceiling. Draco cried out in fear and buried his face in his hands. "Not the coca puffs!" he howled, "Save me 'Mione!"
Hermione glanced around, as though looking for help. "Draco, I don't know what to do. What's wrong?"
"Bad. . .bad memories. . . ." Draco whined, rocking back and forth on hid knees and covering his ears. "No. . .Dad, please. . .NOT THE COCA PUFFS!!"
"I knew this had to be something to do with Lucius!" Sirius cried triumphantly. "Someone contain that vampire!"
Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas ran forward to grab Count Chocula by the arms.
"Oh!" Sirius cried, "And bring me his bowl!"
"NOOO!" the count shrieked as the bowl was wrenched from his grasp, "Not my bowl of death!" and Seamus and Dean drug him kicking and screaming from the hall.
After the commotion made by the tiny vampire (or Trelawney's distant relative) subsided, Draco crawled hesitantly out from under the table.
"So. . .Malfoy, what's up with you and coca puffs?" Remus asked hesitantly.
Draco looked up at him fearfully, glancing from him, to Sirius, to Harry, to Ron and finally to Hermione. "It. . .it all started when I was five. . . ."
*FLASHBACK*
"Draco!"
The five-year-old Draco stopped in his tracks. Dropping his miniature broom, he turned around, fearfully looking at the door of the mansion as his father stepped out, holding up something pink and poofy, grinning.
Young Draco gulped and started slowly backing away. "Er. . .Dad, I've gotta go. . .practice my. . .potions. Yeah! My. . .potions!"
Lucius scowled lightly, "Now, Dracie, you can practice your potions any time. How often do you get to play dress up with your Daddy?"
"Too often!" the little boy screeched and scampered off in the opposite direction.
Lucius growled, charging off after his son, snatching him up and dragging him back toward the house, kicking and screaming.
Several minutes later, after Draco had been forced into the pink, poofy thing (which turned out to be a dress--Lucius always wanted a daughter to play dolls with--) he was sat in a high chair, a bowl of (dun, dun, dun!) cocoa puffs sitting in front of him, with Lucius holding a spoonful of the cereal in front of his mouth.
He grinned at the little boy, who scowled and crossed his arms stubbornly, firmly closing his mouth.
"Here comes the broomstick, coming in for a landing!" Lucius giggled, pushing the spoon near his son's mouth. Draco turned his head away.
"Draco. . ." Lucius warned.
The little boy shook his head.
"Fine!" Lucius growled. "If you don't open up or your REAL broomstick (minds out of the gutter, people!) goes into the fire!"
Draco whimpered, but complied silently.
*END FLASHBACK*
"It was so disturbing!" Draco wailed, sobbing into Hermione's robes, she patted his head awkwardly, looking up at the sniggering Harry and Ron and bent up with silent hysterical laughter Remus and Sirius.
"Oh, you guys are SO helpful!" she growled, "Professor Lupin, you're supposed to be the sensitive one!"
Remus choked. "He's YOUR boyfriend, Hermione! Deal with it yourself!"
She scowled.
"Oh," Remus said, "And I expect those pictures on my desk, STILL UNTOUCHED or UNSEEN on my desk tomorrow morning."
Hermione sighed with defeat as Remus dragged a still hysterical Sirius out the door toward the DADA room to get ready for lessons.
"Lucius. . .dressed him up. . .in. . .GIRLS clothes!" echoed down the hall behind them.
~*~*~
Oi. Sorry it took so long to update. I've been in a state of shock for a few weeks. As has Sanaria, and pretty much every other HP fan alive!! AGH! Well, anyway, this chapter is obviously dedicated to Snuffles. . .and we'll try to update soon!
Oh, by the way, tell us if you'd like any other random guest stars. . .we've got a couple in mind but don't want to take away from the real stars!