Disclaimer: Legolas: By the Valar, Anrion what are you doing?! // Anrion: (Innocently) What, you think it too much? // Legolas: I think my father is going to be furious and blame it on me! // Anrion: No he won't, it has my name on it! // Both: (Stare at giant banner hung over front entrance to Mirkwood Palace, stating, "Anrion and Sanaria don't own HP! Get over it and stop bugging them!" //Anrion: Sorry, Lego, it's the wrong book too, huh? // Legolas: Ruddy fanfic writers. . . .
A/N: HI ALL!! (Waves happily to people on other side of computer screen) This chapter is going to be a bit more insane than usual! We wrote it together over MSN Messenger and it was a completely random idea, savvy? So, enjoy, because it's even wackier than what we usually dish out!!
~*~*~ Chapter Fourteen: Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite! ~*~*~
The door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom creaked slowly open, revealing a pair of steely grey glancing around cautiously.
Seeing that the professor was fully immersed with the chalkboard, Sirius Black grinned mischievously and slid cautiously into the classroom, making sure that Remus kept his back turned, and plopped down next to a startled and slightly disgruntled looking Harry Potter.
"What do you want?! I'm trying to take notes," Harry muttered as he watched Sirius try to squirm into the desk next to him. It was hopeless, Sirius just couldn't fit. It was like watching a twenty year old try and fit on their first bike. Finally, Sirius gave up and seated himself on the edge of Harry's desk. "Harry, there's something I need to talk to you about."
Harry looked around, trying to see if anyone was paying attention to his godfather.
"What?!" he hissed angrily, after making sure they weren't being eavesdropped on.
Sirius smiled slightly. "Harry, your father isn't here to do it, so, as your godfather, it is my duty to give you. . ." he looked dramatically at Harry, "the talk of. . . the birds and the bees. . . ."
"Sirius!" hissed Harry, an act worthy to make a Slytherin stop dead in his tracks.
"Now, now Harry, hear me out. There comes a time in every man's life when he grows to like someone as more then a friend. When this time comes, he has to learn to express his feelings for her . . . or him. . ." Sirius winced at the last part. "Harry, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you, I'm worried. You show. . .how do I put it? . . . No interest in any of your fellow female classmates . . . if you don't lower your standards soon, people might get the wrong idea!"
Harry's jaw dropped as Sirius pointed to Hermione.
"'Mione has become a fine woman." he said dramatically, "And Lavender Brown. . . . MEEOW!" he waggled his eyebrows at Harry.
"Yeah," Harry replied stubbornly, "But Herm's taken... and besides, she's one of my best friends! It's like kissing RON!!"
Sirius nodded in understanding. "Yes, I bit Remus once. I know how you feel."
Harry stared at him, a worried look crossing his face, but he shook it off quickly. "And Lavender. . . . Tell me you don't think she's a bit. . . stupid. Go on, tell me I'm wrong!"
Sirius glanced at Lavender for a moment, before turning back to Harry. "Ditzy. but not stupid. And sometimes that's a GOOD quality in a woman!"
Harry looked at Sirius as though he had finally been driven off the edge.
"Fine . . . maybe they're not your type, but you can't say no to Ginny! Eh?" Sirius whispered excitedly as he nudged Harry.
"Sirius!! She's my best friend's little sister AND a friend of mine!!" Sirius looked a little taken-aback.
"Well sometimes that's the hardest place to be. Between friends and. . . friendliER."
Up at the chalkboard, Remus rolled his eyes. He had been listening to Sirius rant while he made up an imaginary creature called a quintaped. A spiffy cool creature that had been his imaginary friend until he'd met the Marauders.
With a sigh, he turned around. "Sirius," he said, making the two jump, "No one wants to hear about your horribly boring, dull, and utterly mundane love life. Harry, if you want advice. Go to Draco, or talk to me."
"Remmy, I wasn't discussing MY love life! I was discussing Harry's . . . or lack-there-of. I was getting a tad bit worried, if you know what I mean!" Sirius said.
The whole class, hearing this, began to snicker. Harry slumped low in his seat to hide his scarlet face.
"Well, why didn't you tell me?! Harry, have you ever thought about Hermione! She's quite a catch!" Remus suggested with a wink.
Harry groaned, slumping down in his seat even further.
Luckily, at that moment, Draco walked past the classroom and, hearing this, threw a random curse in Remus's direction, causing a zipper to form over his lips and zip his mouth shut.
The class laughed.
Hermione blew a kiss in Draco's direction.
Draco staggered and sarcastically fell as though he had been hit in the forehead by an onion.
Lucius (who had been strolling close by) choked on his foamy toothpaste.
Sirius shook his head and turned back to Harry, before something in Hermione's hand caught his eye.
Hermione watched as Draco stood up and smiled at her before heading on his way.
Grinning to herself, she immersed herself once more in her magazine: 'Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite'. The cover of which swarmed with pictures of extremely good looking wizards.
Sighing, Hermione pulled out her wand and tapped it to the cover. Several more pictures Jumped onto the cover.
Hermione went dreamy eyed and gazed at the new additions among the pictures. One picture was of an extremely good looking Draco.
The picture of Draco was surrounded by others of frantic looking Sirius, Remus, Nick and Orlando. . . all clawing at the edges of the magazine to get away.
Until the Orlando picture realized that he was indeed a picture and was still able to move and stood staring at his glossy hand in wonder.
Sirius stopped his hysterics when he realized that the subtitle was: "The Twenty Hottest Wizards" and stood looking smug about being considered one of that number.
Picture Remus finally realized that resistance was futile, and sat down reading a book titled: The 101 Smartest Link Meats, every once and a while stopping to comment that "bacon and sausage are both smarter than the average ant. Quite impressive really."
And Nick was putting on his usual show of pacing back and forth muttering about carpet monsters, while up front, Draco was scribbling something down on a piece of paper, which turned out to be a sign saying, "HERMIONE, I LOVE YOU!!!"
Hermione blushed crimson and began to giggle softly.
Suddenly a very awkward picture of Harry appeared on the front. Hermione frowned and then turned around to see Sirius pointing his wand at the magazine, grinning. Hermione pulled out her wand and removed the picture, much to Sirius' disappointment. With a flick of his wand Harry's picture was back on and with a flick of her wand, it was gone again. This went back and forth for several minutes, capturing the attention of the whole class. Harry emerged from his 'hiding place' and saw his picture on Hermione's magazine. He grinned at her. Ron looked very disappointed.
Remus tapped his wand very hard on his desk, trying to get the students' attention.
Sirius grinned manically and magicked a picture of Lucius Malfoy followed quickly by Snape and a spell to make them permanent.
Hermione's lip trembled as she looked down at her now defiled beautiful cover, before being rudely interupted by a tapping foot near her desk.
She looked up to see Remus standing there with cocked eyebrow and hand outstretched for the magazine.
Hermione slowly relinquished her hold on the magazine and turned to glare at Sirius. Sirius grinned back . Remus cleared his throat and pointed to his mouth.
Understanding, Hermione quickly preformed the counter curse, before Remus went one again to the front of the room.
She glared once more at Sirius, who blew her a kiss and then joined Remus at the front of the classroom to look through the confiscated magazine.
"Class is dismissed!" Remus said happily as he read an article about the preservation of hot werewolves.
Remus grinned happily. "I'm listed among the top five hottest werewolves!" he giggled.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gimme that!" he growled sarcastically, flipping through the pages.
"OOH! The World's Hottest Grims!"
Remus looked confused. "There's more than one? . . . Grim Animagus, I mean!"
Sirius sighed. "He's dreamy. . . ."
Remus looked horrified.
"WHAT?! He has to be to beat ME out of first place!!"
Harry, who had been packing up his bag, glanced up and muttered something about Sirius worrying about his sexuality instead of meddling in his.
"Remmy!! Look! They have QUIZZES!!" Sirius shouted as he grabbed the magazine and began flipping pages. "Ah, here it is, 'Which of our 20 hot wizards have you totally ga-ga this fall? Take the quiz for the wiz . . . ard!"
Remus rolled his eyes but grabbed the magazine so he could take the quiz first.
"Question one:" he read aloud, "What is your favorite color?" He scowled. "Now how does THAT help tell who you fancy?!"
"Question two:" Sirius read aloud after snatching the magazine back, "What's your idea of a romantic date?"
Sirius pondered for a moment. "Well, the evening would start out with and exploding toilet seat, continue with a butterbeer and broomstick ride," Remus frowned at Sirius. "Not like that, you sick git! And end with chocolate fondue!" Sirius added with a shout of glee.
Remus still rolled his eyes. "Me," he said dreamily, "I'd take her on a romantic stroll around the lake, followed shortly by a picnic under the stars with chocolate covered strawberries. . . WHITE chocolate mind you! Then we would sit together, and I would read her Shakespeare's love sonnets. . . ."
Sirius started rolling his eyes in rapid succession as his friend went on, muttering about hopeless romantics.
". . . .While my friends secretly put live frogs into the picnic basket so that when she feels the need to hand feed me more strawberries--which she's bound to want to do, mind you--she'll scream and run away gibbering about slimy grodie things and I can laugh it up with my pals!"
Sirius grinned at that unexpected turn of events, thumping Remus on the back.
"Ahh! There are so many good times to be had! Aha Moony, an idea! Take her on the date with the lake and all that romantic crap during a full moon so when it comes out from behind a cloud she'll find out what kind of man you REALLY are." Sirius said, wagging his eyebrows.
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned, muttering something sounding like, "Oh, Remus, you BEAST, you!" before snatching back the magazine.
"What's your favorite Muggle movie?"
Sirius grinned, "Funny you should ask! I'm quite partial to--"
Remus cleared his throat. "Sir, we've been doing it wrong. They have answers to choose from."
Sirius's face fell. "Damn. Okay, what are they?"
"Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, The Princess Bride, Moulin Rouge, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Evolution. . . . HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE RELEVANT?!?!?!"
Sirius and Remus pondered the question for a moment. "Evolution!" Sirius shouted out at last.
Remus muttered something about how the bloody hell humans prevailed in the end was beyond him when the team of Muggles out to destroy the aliens were about as bright as the dog-star would be looking at it from Pluto.
Remus passed Sirius the magazine again. "When you think of the words broomstick and snitch, what comes to mind? Well, that's obvious! Chicken!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus grabbed the magazine and hit Sirius on the head with it. "I don't think that's what they meant you dolt!!!!" "Fried, crispy, rotisserie! Yummy!" Sirius continued.
Remus glanced quickly through the answers below the question on the bright pink, glossy page. "Let's see," he murmured, "Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy (w.t.f.?!), Viktor Krum. . . and. . . CHIKEN?!" He stared at the ceiling, feeling very sure that if he were in one of those Muggle ani-something cartoons Peter had used to watch he'd have one helluva sweatdrop right then.
He shook his head, looking back down at the magazine. "Right then. . . . Next question: What comes to mind at the words leather pants?" He groaned. "WHO WRITES this crap?!"
Flipping back to the front he noticed a small space saying: "Hogwarts Publishing Company. Articles by Minerva McGonagall and quizzes by Severus Snape.
Yup. That was definitely one damn big sweatdrop.
"So . . . who'd we get?" Sirius asked excitedly.
Remus rolled his eyes but went back to tally up his and Sirius' scores. "Alright Sirius, you had 20 points, which means the man of your dreams is . . . Sirius Black?!??" Remus announced as he frantically flipped through pages trying to figure out if he'd gone mad.
"He's so dreamy," Sirius muttered, looking at his picture, "You've got to admit Rem. The only person perfect enough in this world for me is. . . . Me."
"Give me that!" Remus shouted as he silently added up his score. "Snape?!?!? You have got to be kidding me!! I demand a recount, he wasn't even ON the list!!"
Meanwhile, as Remus and Sirius (who had gotten over the hysterics and decided to be a friend) frantically tried to find the error in their tally. . . Severus Snape stood outside the door, holding a mirror compact in his hand to see Remus' reaction with.
With a smug grin, he put away his wand, and strode into the room.
"You called, Remus Poopise?" he asked with a sickening sweetness.
Remus looked up, "GET THE WAND!!" he shrieked at Sirius, who compliantly lunged at Snape and wrenched his wand from him.
Remus took out his own and waved it "Finite Incantatum." he chanted. And out of the wand's tip came the words: "Your ideal match is Severus Snape."
He set down his wand and glared at Snape.
"You set this up didn't you? You've been planning this all along!" Remus shouted.
"Now darling, you are just going to have to learn to accept it, you adore me!" Snape stated with a smile.
Remus and Sirius exchanged murderous grins.
Sirius turned to Snape. "Go to your ROOM you sick little reptile! You'll be punished later."
Snape grinned. "I look forward to it."
The other two glanced at each other. "EWWWWW!" the both shrieked, "NOT THAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT!!"
Snape looked dejected, but slithered slowly from the room anyway, as Sirius and Remus turned back to the magazine to get Remus's true score.
"Your ideal match. . ." Sirius said, "Is Orlando Bloom."
Remus's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "You mean the guy who thinks he's a snake? . . ." he shrugged. "Eh. It's better than Snape."
"I agree." Sirius said.
A sudden thought struck Remus. "Sir?"
"Hmm?"
"Why are we taking a quiz which points to the ultimate end of us being gay?" he asked as a group of Ravenclaw second years filed into the classroom.
~*~*~
LOL! Sorry, we had WAY too much fun writing that. But it's the fastest we've ever dished out a chapter! Two hours! WOW!
R&R please!!
A/N: HI ALL!! (Waves happily to people on other side of computer screen) This chapter is going to be a bit more insane than usual! We wrote it together over MSN Messenger and it was a completely random idea, savvy? So, enjoy, because it's even wackier than what we usually dish out!!
~*~*~ Chapter Fourteen: Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite! ~*~*~
The door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom creaked slowly open, revealing a pair of steely grey glancing around cautiously.
Seeing that the professor was fully immersed with the chalkboard, Sirius Black grinned mischievously and slid cautiously into the classroom, making sure that Remus kept his back turned, and plopped down next to a startled and slightly disgruntled looking Harry Potter.
"What do you want?! I'm trying to take notes," Harry muttered as he watched Sirius try to squirm into the desk next to him. It was hopeless, Sirius just couldn't fit. It was like watching a twenty year old try and fit on their first bike. Finally, Sirius gave up and seated himself on the edge of Harry's desk. "Harry, there's something I need to talk to you about."
Harry looked around, trying to see if anyone was paying attention to his godfather.
"What?!" he hissed angrily, after making sure they weren't being eavesdropped on.
Sirius smiled slightly. "Harry, your father isn't here to do it, so, as your godfather, it is my duty to give you. . ." he looked dramatically at Harry, "the talk of. . . the birds and the bees. . . ."
"Sirius!" hissed Harry, an act worthy to make a Slytherin stop dead in his tracks.
"Now, now Harry, hear me out. There comes a time in every man's life when he grows to like someone as more then a friend. When this time comes, he has to learn to express his feelings for her . . . or him. . ." Sirius winced at the last part. "Harry, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you, I'm worried. You show. . .how do I put it? . . . No interest in any of your fellow female classmates . . . if you don't lower your standards soon, people might get the wrong idea!"
Harry's jaw dropped as Sirius pointed to Hermione.
"'Mione has become a fine woman." he said dramatically, "And Lavender Brown. . . . MEEOW!" he waggled his eyebrows at Harry.
"Yeah," Harry replied stubbornly, "But Herm's taken... and besides, she's one of my best friends! It's like kissing RON!!"
Sirius nodded in understanding. "Yes, I bit Remus once. I know how you feel."
Harry stared at him, a worried look crossing his face, but he shook it off quickly. "And Lavender. . . . Tell me you don't think she's a bit. . . stupid. Go on, tell me I'm wrong!"
Sirius glanced at Lavender for a moment, before turning back to Harry. "Ditzy. but not stupid. And sometimes that's a GOOD quality in a woman!"
Harry looked at Sirius as though he had finally been driven off the edge.
"Fine . . . maybe they're not your type, but you can't say no to Ginny! Eh?" Sirius whispered excitedly as he nudged Harry.
"Sirius!! She's my best friend's little sister AND a friend of mine!!" Sirius looked a little taken-aback.
"Well sometimes that's the hardest place to be. Between friends and. . . friendliER."
Up at the chalkboard, Remus rolled his eyes. He had been listening to Sirius rant while he made up an imaginary creature called a quintaped. A spiffy cool creature that had been his imaginary friend until he'd met the Marauders.
With a sigh, he turned around. "Sirius," he said, making the two jump, "No one wants to hear about your horribly boring, dull, and utterly mundane love life. Harry, if you want advice. Go to Draco, or talk to me."
"Remmy, I wasn't discussing MY love life! I was discussing Harry's . . . or lack-there-of. I was getting a tad bit worried, if you know what I mean!" Sirius said.
The whole class, hearing this, began to snicker. Harry slumped low in his seat to hide his scarlet face.
"Well, why didn't you tell me?! Harry, have you ever thought about Hermione! She's quite a catch!" Remus suggested with a wink.
Harry groaned, slumping down in his seat even further.
Luckily, at that moment, Draco walked past the classroom and, hearing this, threw a random curse in Remus's direction, causing a zipper to form over his lips and zip his mouth shut.
The class laughed.
Hermione blew a kiss in Draco's direction.
Draco staggered and sarcastically fell as though he had been hit in the forehead by an onion.
Lucius (who had been strolling close by) choked on his foamy toothpaste.
Sirius shook his head and turned back to Harry, before something in Hermione's hand caught his eye.
Hermione watched as Draco stood up and smiled at her before heading on his way.
Grinning to herself, she immersed herself once more in her magazine: 'Hormonally Imbalanced Witches of the World Unite'. The cover of which swarmed with pictures of extremely good looking wizards.
Sighing, Hermione pulled out her wand and tapped it to the cover. Several more pictures Jumped onto the cover.
Hermione went dreamy eyed and gazed at the new additions among the pictures. One picture was of an extremely good looking Draco.
The picture of Draco was surrounded by others of frantic looking Sirius, Remus, Nick and Orlando. . . all clawing at the edges of the magazine to get away.
Until the Orlando picture realized that he was indeed a picture and was still able to move and stood staring at his glossy hand in wonder.
Sirius stopped his hysterics when he realized that the subtitle was: "The Twenty Hottest Wizards" and stood looking smug about being considered one of that number.
Picture Remus finally realized that resistance was futile, and sat down reading a book titled: The 101 Smartest Link Meats, every once and a while stopping to comment that "bacon and sausage are both smarter than the average ant. Quite impressive really."
And Nick was putting on his usual show of pacing back and forth muttering about carpet monsters, while up front, Draco was scribbling something down on a piece of paper, which turned out to be a sign saying, "HERMIONE, I LOVE YOU!!!"
Hermione blushed crimson and began to giggle softly.
Suddenly a very awkward picture of Harry appeared on the front. Hermione frowned and then turned around to see Sirius pointing his wand at the magazine, grinning. Hermione pulled out her wand and removed the picture, much to Sirius' disappointment. With a flick of his wand Harry's picture was back on and with a flick of her wand, it was gone again. This went back and forth for several minutes, capturing the attention of the whole class. Harry emerged from his 'hiding place' and saw his picture on Hermione's magazine. He grinned at her. Ron looked very disappointed.
Remus tapped his wand very hard on his desk, trying to get the students' attention.
Sirius grinned manically and magicked a picture of Lucius Malfoy followed quickly by Snape and a spell to make them permanent.
Hermione's lip trembled as she looked down at her now defiled beautiful cover, before being rudely interupted by a tapping foot near her desk.
She looked up to see Remus standing there with cocked eyebrow and hand outstretched for the magazine.
Hermione slowly relinquished her hold on the magazine and turned to glare at Sirius. Sirius grinned back . Remus cleared his throat and pointed to his mouth.
Understanding, Hermione quickly preformed the counter curse, before Remus went one again to the front of the room.
She glared once more at Sirius, who blew her a kiss and then joined Remus at the front of the classroom to look through the confiscated magazine.
"Class is dismissed!" Remus said happily as he read an article about the preservation of hot werewolves.
Remus grinned happily. "I'm listed among the top five hottest werewolves!" he giggled.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gimme that!" he growled sarcastically, flipping through the pages.
"OOH! The World's Hottest Grims!"
Remus looked confused. "There's more than one? . . . Grim Animagus, I mean!"
Sirius sighed. "He's dreamy. . . ."
Remus looked horrified.
"WHAT?! He has to be to beat ME out of first place!!"
Harry, who had been packing up his bag, glanced up and muttered something about Sirius worrying about his sexuality instead of meddling in his.
"Remmy!! Look! They have QUIZZES!!" Sirius shouted as he grabbed the magazine and began flipping pages. "Ah, here it is, 'Which of our 20 hot wizards have you totally ga-ga this fall? Take the quiz for the wiz . . . ard!"
Remus rolled his eyes but grabbed the magazine so he could take the quiz first.
"Question one:" he read aloud, "What is your favorite color?" He scowled. "Now how does THAT help tell who you fancy?!"
"Question two:" Sirius read aloud after snatching the magazine back, "What's your idea of a romantic date?"
Sirius pondered for a moment. "Well, the evening would start out with and exploding toilet seat, continue with a butterbeer and broomstick ride," Remus frowned at Sirius. "Not like that, you sick git! And end with chocolate fondue!" Sirius added with a shout of glee.
Remus still rolled his eyes. "Me," he said dreamily, "I'd take her on a romantic stroll around the lake, followed shortly by a picnic under the stars with chocolate covered strawberries. . . WHITE chocolate mind you! Then we would sit together, and I would read her Shakespeare's love sonnets. . . ."
Sirius started rolling his eyes in rapid succession as his friend went on, muttering about hopeless romantics.
". . . .While my friends secretly put live frogs into the picnic basket so that when she feels the need to hand feed me more strawberries--which she's bound to want to do, mind you--she'll scream and run away gibbering about slimy grodie things and I can laugh it up with my pals!"
Sirius grinned at that unexpected turn of events, thumping Remus on the back.
"Ahh! There are so many good times to be had! Aha Moony, an idea! Take her on the date with the lake and all that romantic crap during a full moon so when it comes out from behind a cloud she'll find out what kind of man you REALLY are." Sirius said, wagging his eyebrows.
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned, muttering something sounding like, "Oh, Remus, you BEAST, you!" before snatching back the magazine.
"What's your favorite Muggle movie?"
Sirius grinned, "Funny you should ask! I'm quite partial to--"
Remus cleared his throat. "Sir, we've been doing it wrong. They have answers to choose from."
Sirius's face fell. "Damn. Okay, what are they?"
"Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, The Princess Bride, Moulin Rouge, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Evolution. . . . HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE RELEVANT?!?!?!"
Sirius and Remus pondered the question for a moment. "Evolution!" Sirius shouted out at last.
Remus muttered something about how the bloody hell humans prevailed in the end was beyond him when the team of Muggles out to destroy the aliens were about as bright as the dog-star would be looking at it from Pluto.
Remus passed Sirius the magazine again. "When you think of the words broomstick and snitch, what comes to mind? Well, that's obvious! Chicken!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus grabbed the magazine and hit Sirius on the head with it. "I don't think that's what they meant you dolt!!!!" "Fried, crispy, rotisserie! Yummy!" Sirius continued.
Remus glanced quickly through the answers below the question on the bright pink, glossy page. "Let's see," he murmured, "Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy (w.t.f.?!), Viktor Krum. . . and. . . CHIKEN?!" He stared at the ceiling, feeling very sure that if he were in one of those Muggle ani-something cartoons Peter had used to watch he'd have one helluva sweatdrop right then.
He shook his head, looking back down at the magazine. "Right then. . . . Next question: What comes to mind at the words leather pants?" He groaned. "WHO WRITES this crap?!"
Flipping back to the front he noticed a small space saying: "Hogwarts Publishing Company. Articles by Minerva McGonagall and quizzes by Severus Snape.
Yup. That was definitely one damn big sweatdrop.
"So . . . who'd we get?" Sirius asked excitedly.
Remus rolled his eyes but went back to tally up his and Sirius' scores. "Alright Sirius, you had 20 points, which means the man of your dreams is . . . Sirius Black?!??" Remus announced as he frantically flipped through pages trying to figure out if he'd gone mad.
"He's so dreamy," Sirius muttered, looking at his picture, "You've got to admit Rem. The only person perfect enough in this world for me is. . . . Me."
"Give me that!" Remus shouted as he silently added up his score. "Snape?!?!? You have got to be kidding me!! I demand a recount, he wasn't even ON the list!!"
Meanwhile, as Remus and Sirius (who had gotten over the hysterics and decided to be a friend) frantically tried to find the error in their tally. . . Severus Snape stood outside the door, holding a mirror compact in his hand to see Remus' reaction with.
With a smug grin, he put away his wand, and strode into the room.
"You called, Remus Poopise?" he asked with a sickening sweetness.
Remus looked up, "GET THE WAND!!" he shrieked at Sirius, who compliantly lunged at Snape and wrenched his wand from him.
Remus took out his own and waved it "Finite Incantatum." he chanted. And out of the wand's tip came the words: "Your ideal match is Severus Snape."
He set down his wand and glared at Snape.
"You set this up didn't you? You've been planning this all along!" Remus shouted.
"Now darling, you are just going to have to learn to accept it, you adore me!" Snape stated with a smile.
Remus and Sirius exchanged murderous grins.
Sirius turned to Snape. "Go to your ROOM you sick little reptile! You'll be punished later."
Snape grinned. "I look forward to it."
The other two glanced at each other. "EWWWWW!" the both shrieked, "NOT THAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT!!"
Snape looked dejected, but slithered slowly from the room anyway, as Sirius and Remus turned back to the magazine to get Remus's true score.
"Your ideal match. . ." Sirius said, "Is Orlando Bloom."
Remus's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "You mean the guy who thinks he's a snake? . . ." he shrugged. "Eh. It's better than Snape."
"I agree." Sirius said.
A sudden thought struck Remus. "Sir?"
"Hmm?"
"Why are we taking a quiz which points to the ultimate end of us being gay?" he asked as a group of Ravenclaw second years filed into the classroom.
~*~*~
LOL! Sorry, we had WAY too much fun writing that. But it's the fastest we've ever dished out a chapter! Two hours! WOW!
R&R please!!