One quick note: Aside from Juno and Nicodemus Blackwyvern, I don't own any
of the characters here, they belong to their respective owners: d I'm
continuing this fic for enjoyment, no payment has been rendered and so
on...blah,blah,blah,blah, blah....
Nicodemus: I come from the fanfic, Kamiya Dojo Insomniacs if you want to know. Just call me "Nick" for right now.
Prologue:
Juno: Oh my god, that was hysterical. When can you guys do the show again?
Kenshin: As soon as Miss Kaoru calms down, I fear she's still running around with daggers, that she is.
Sano: Don't sweat it. The missy should be mellow by next week.
Yahiko: So what now?
Juno: I'm going to take some time off to recover a little.
Yahiko: But who's going to be the host?
Juno: My master will take care of things for a while. And he already has a show organized.
Nick: Okay. Everything's in place so off you go for a while. The show must go on.
Ravenf6's Who's Line Fic #2
Misao, Totosai, Zidane, and Soujiro
Nick: Kuut Ajahehk, Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome once again to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" On tonight's show:
She's crunchy in milk, Misao Makimachi! (Misao waves at the camera)
Goes great with a side of fries, Zidane Tribal! (Zidane starts eyeing a cute girl in the crowd)
Wash it all down with a cup of Soujiro Seta! (Soujiro bows cheerfully)
And.. boiled in his own stomach, Totosai the smithy! (half-asleep)
Nick: I'm your host, Nicodemus Blackwyvern. Let's go down and get this party started.
(The audience applauds loudly)
Nick: (sits at the desk) Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where we all laugh at random idiocy, and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like us giving mercy to the IRS. These four guests will make up gags off the top of their heads and get awarded fakey points. At the end of the show, we pick a winner who gets do something special with me...while the losers learn dating tips from Zidane.
Everyone laughs except a miffed Zidane.
Zidane: Watch it Blacky. Or else you're gonna get your butt kicked.
Nick: It's not my fault you can't get a date.
Laughter increases
Totosai: Bunch of buzzards, those IRS people. They call my breath a deadly weapon.
Misao: You breathe fire for crying out loud!
Nick: Okay, we've got lots of show so let's start with an all-time favorite: Questions only. This is for all four of you.
Misao and Soujiro go one end while Totosai and Zidane go the other.
Nick: This is a great game at a party, especially if there's no music or booze. The actors can only speak in questions, if someone screws up, I buzz them out and someone takes their place. The scene is (pulls out a card) "Single's night at a medieval castle."
Misao and Totosai come first
Misao: Are those frogs' eyes?
Totosai: Can you not tell I'm happy to see you?
Misao: Have you ever felt something hot, like a dragon's breath before?
Audience: Ooh...
Totosai: ...You can tell I brush with brimstone toothpaste??
Audience laughs
Misao: my god!- you're that- p-dammit!
BZZZT!
Soujiro: Did you see that cute girl just now?
Totosai: ..Depends who's asking?
Soujiro: . ..Did something happen to your eyes, mister?
Totosai: (angry) Why does everyone keep asking about my eyes?!?!
Soujiro: Do you now something I don't?
Totosai:... I'm goin'
BZZZ! Audience laughs, Zidane comes in
Zidane: Have you tried the haggis?
Soujiro: ... Are you the Black Knight?
Zidane:... What if I am?
Soujiro: Don't you know you're not wanted here?
Zidane: You wanna fight?
Soujiro: Don't you know who you're dealing with?
Zidane: A strange smiley boy who can't get some?
Soujiro:... I'll be back, knave!
BZZZZ! Miso comes back
Zidane: You want some of this? (Starts grooving)
Misao: Art thou coming on to me?
Zidane: Don't you know it's written on a scroll we'd meet tonight?
Misao: Aren't you the chosen one who's supposed to die?
Audience howls in laughter
Zidane:... Is it because I'm the Black Knight, whom can get a date quick as lightning?
Misao: Could it also be you have the ugliest tail in the kingdom?
Audience laughs and camera focuses in Zidane's tail
Zidane: ....
BZZZZT! Soujiro takes over
Soujiro: Are you all right, milady?
Misao: (blush) My, aren't you the polite one?
Soujiro: Have you heard that the Black Knight is here?
Misao: (afraid) Really??
Soujiro: Let us go to the tower and hide?
Misao: Is it better than- ah phooey!
BZZZT! Enter Totosai
Totosai: ... have you ever seen a guy with a tail around here?
Soujiro: Have I?
Totosai: What's with the smart mouth?
Soujiro: Is it the one that has teeth?
Totosai:.... You cut me deep (leaves)
BZZZT! You get the idea by now...
Zidane: So, we meet again?
Soujiro: Are you ready to taste cold steel, fiend?
Zidane: Isn't that the one chick who you just talked to?
Soujiro: ....no
BZZZZT!
Nick: That's enough. So that's 400 points to Zidane, Totosai, and Soujiro.... and 1000 to Misao for pointing out the tail
Audience laughs while Zidane grumbles.
Nick: Next up we have a game called Party Quirks. This is for all four of you. Misao, you're going to be hosting a party. But your guests have strange personalities written on these cards (holds up a card) and you have to try to guess who they are.
Zidane looks at his card with an "Oh my god!" look
Totosai looks at his card and stifles a laugh
Soujiro looks at his card with an "oh dear..." look
Nick: They'll come in as I ring them in (pushes doorbell) like so. Take it away.
Misao: (acts like she's reading a cookbook) "marinate with 4 ½ cups of sake". This is the last time I borrow a cookbook from Sanouske.
Nick and audience roar with laughter.
Dingdong!
Misao: Just a minute (opens a fake door) Hey! Welcome to the party!
Zidane comes in and the monitor for those at home says "The Marx Brothers"
Zidane: (As Groucho) Well, it's a pleasure to be here. By the way, is that a roast or are you inventing a drunken chicken style of martial arts?
Misao:... Well, I'm only following the recipe.
Zidane (As Chico) Ah this is a marvelous bird you got-a here. Did you pinch it off Wolfgang Puck?
Audience laughs
Ding-dong!
Misao: If you touch that bird, you two are dead men. (opens the "door") Welcome to the party!
Totosai comes in and message reads: "A nervous Captain Hook who thinks Soujiro is the ticking Crocodile.
Totosai: It's good to be here. (Looks around) Really good to be here. Do you have anything "Pan-fried?"
Misao: Why don't you try the shish kabob?
Totosai: Don't mind if I do! Mm! This is good! I never-never tasted anything so good before!
Zidane: (Tries to pick-pocket Misao)
Misao: Hey! Don't get any ideas, you monkey pervert.... with two personalities!
Nick: Aside from the fresh part, that's not what he is.
Zidane: (Groucho) I've never been so insulted in all my life. This is the craziest parody I've ever performed. (Chico) Ah, shut-a up, you stupid host who does nothing and let me work!
Ding-dong!
Misao: Whoever you are , try to keep the old pirate happy. (opens door) Hello there.
Soujiro enters with an evil face for the monitor reads "The evil Naraku, who Thinks everyone stole his jewel shards")
Soujiro: (vengefully) What's so good about it? Wish you to die?
Misao: (Sweat drops) Umm did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
Soujiro: Keep that up and you'll find yourself a grave, Weasel.
Totosai: Ahhh! Tick-tock, tick-tock! I hear a clock! Does anyone else hears a clock?? (looks around nervously)
Soujiro: What do you know, old man?
Totosai: Get away from me, you reject from a suitcase factory!
Soujiro: You have something of mine, and I want it now!
Misao: Try the been dip; it's to die for!
Soujiro: Ever known what it's like to be devoured by thousands of demons at once?
Misao:.... I'm gonna get back to you.
Zidane: (Honk! Honk!) (Chico) Ooh! This is a good piece of jewelry you've got here miss
Soujiro: Give me that, or I'll get you and your little dog-boy too!
Misao: Okay, Mr. Angry. Simmer down while I talk to this multiple personality-disordered thief
Nick: You're close. Think of an old comedy team.
Misao: It is Laurel and Hardy?
Nick: No. "Monkey Business", "Duck Soup" "A Night at the Opera"...
Misao: Oh! The Marx Brothers!
Nick: Yes! (Bzzt!)
Totosai runs around the studio with Soujiro in pursuit
Totosai: Go away! You already took me hand! Isn't that enough?!?
Soujiro: Give me back what's mine!
Misao: My god! What's the problem? (Grabs Soujiro) Listen Mr. Evil, stop chasing my guests around!
Nick: Yeah, but which Mr. Evil?
Misao: ... Saitou?
Audience laughs
Nick: No but if you fell down a well, you'd hate this guy very much.
Misao: Oh no! Not Naraku?!?
Nick: Yes, and he's chasing everyone because he-
Misao: -Someone stole his jewel shards?
Nick: Got it all in one, Misao. (BZZZT!)
Soujiro sits back down
Totosai: Is he gone??
Misao: I think so.
Totosai: This makes "smee" wish I could fly, I could fly.
Misao: Oh take it easy you old Captain Hook you.
Nick: Close enough! (BZZZZT!) But it also said that he thinks Soujiro is the crocodile.
Audience applauds.
Nick: Okay, that's 2000 thousand points to everyone, and a thousand more points to Misao for not getting upset at being called a Weasel. Don't go anywhere 'cause we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
Act 2:
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The reality show with any real meaning and/or reward to the audience. If you're still asking for more, then fear not. All things will come to those who wait. Our next game will be Multiple personalities. This game is for Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro. What'll happen is that these three are going to act out a situation, but they will have given props that associate them with a specific personality.
Nick produces an antique watch, a croquet mallet, and a walking cane. Zidane takes the mallet, Misao the cane, and Soujiro gets the watch.
Nick: The scene is. (Reads a card) "Three traveling explorers are passing through Wonderland, but are soon attacked by the Heartless." Now here's the fun part: whoever is holding the watch is Dave the Barbarian (Audience laughs while Soujiro blushes a deep red), whoever's holding the cane is Ganondorf (Audience roars in laughter while Misao has a 'what the hell?!" look on her face), and whoever's holding the mallet is Cookie from 'Atlantis' (Zidane laughs at the idea). So whenever you're ready...
Misao: (Ganondorf) Do any of you fools know where we're going? This is the 4th time we've entered the Lotus forest!!
Soujiro: (Dave) AAH!! Don't shout at me like that!
Zidane: (Cookie) This sure looks like the strangest place I've seen since Albuquerque. Someone's gonna have to watch for rattlesnakes.
Misao: (Ganondorf) I think we should go that way! (Swings the cane towards the back) The momraths are outgrabing!
Soujiro: (Dave) No, it's dark and scary over there!
(Audience howls in laughter)
Misao: (Ganondorf) We'll go where I say we'll go, you pitiful worm!
Soujiro: (Dave) I still think we should go see the caterpillar, give me that cane; I can't walk.
Misao and Soujiro switch props.
Zidane: (Cookie) Anyone up for some grub? I've got plenty to go around.
Misao: (Dave) NOO!!! Anything but your cooking, I'm allergic to any kind of pain and discomfort!
(Audience laughs)
Zidane: (Cookie) Here. Take this, might make ya feel braver.
Zidane and Misao switch.
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Did any of you hear that??
Zidane: (Dave) Hear what???
Misao: (Cookie) Sounds like injuns! Somebody get the guns ready!
Zidane: (Dave) Bejabbers!! It's a Jabberwocky!!!
(Audience cheers)
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Worse: it's the Heartless!!!
Zidane: (Dave) I say we run!
Misao: (Cookie) Saddle up partner. It's time to take out the trash!!
Audience roars in laughter as all three of them act like they're fighting. Zidane clutches his chest like he's shot
Zidane: (Dave) Agh! They got me!
Misao: (Cookie) Dang blast it! I'll teach those varmints not to mess with us!!
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Damn are you're worthless!
Soujiro hands the cane over and gets the watch.
Soujiro: (Dave) Is it serious??
Zidane: (Ganondorf) I'm dying, fools: Thanks for nothing, you spineless wimp.
Misao: (Cookie) Maybe I oughta hold on to that cane
Misao takes the cane.
Soujiro: (Dave) He's dead
Misao: (Cookie/Ganondorf hybrid) Well don't just stand there, you dang fool. Dig a grave before I send you to the Queen of Hearts to lose your head!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!
(Audience laughs at Misao's voice hybrid.)
Nick hits the buzzer many times, ending the game. Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro return the props and sit down amidst thunderous applause)
Nick: That was great. 1,000 points to everybody, and 400 points more to Misao for the best Ganondorf impersonation I've ever seen. It was so real!
Totosai: Yeah, that made my skin crawl. I haven't been that scared since Sesshomauru found out about the Tenseiga.
Misao: (angry) WHAT WAS THAT, OLD MAN!??
Zidane: You're really cute when you get angry like that (purrs).
Misao slams a fist in Zidane's face. The audience laughs as he falls over.
Nick: Make that a million points more to Misao for knocking down a co-star!
Zidane: Damn. She's pretty strong! (Rubs the red area on his cheek)
Nick: And a 2 million-point bonus goes to Zidane for the best use of "bejabbers!" Somebody try to stop me; I'm givin' points away like there's no tomorrow!! Let's move on to a game called 'the Millionaire show'. This is for everybody. Now, Soujiro is going to be a guest on the millionaire show with Totosai as the host, Zidane as the member of the audience, and Misao as the phone-a-friend. However, this isn't a normal game show. (Turns to the audience) What I need now is a theme for the show...
Audience: Beverly Hillbillies! Outer space! WarCraft!
Nick: Now there's a good one! Let's do the WarCraft Millionaire show!
Totosai: Welcome to the show. I'm Halfas the tired we are two questions away from awarding our chosen one a million gold coins. But if anyone goes telling what they see to the Orcs, I'll turn them into pigs and have them for dinner!
Audience laughs.
Totosai: Now then what is your name?
Soujiro: Yoric Skullchewer.
Totosai: You're two questions away from winning that million gold coin prize. Art thou ready?
Soujiro: I fear nothing!
Totosai: Hark! Your 1st question. The best cure for scurvy is... A: blood from an orcish ax? B: troll spit? C: an enchanted orange? Or D: getting zapped by an ogre-magi's rune spell?
Soujiro: Hmm. This is a tough question.
Totosai: Thou has two lifelines. You can either talk to an audience member or conjure a friend.
Soujiro: Methinks I shall call my friend in the audience, Jock the strap maker.
Audience laughs.
Soujiro: He's very good at remedies. (Turns to audience) Jock! Are you there? 'Tis I, Yoric.
Zidane: Hey, Yoric! What can I get for you today?
Soujiro: This wizard is giving me questions-
Zidane: I've got some boiled owl, some haste-in-a-bun, and a love potion-
Soujiro: -Can you keep your mind off girls for a second??!?
Audience laughs while Zidane gets a sour face.
Soujiro: Is it A, B, C, or D?
Zidane: After all the strings I pulled to get you out of the Stromgarde army, this is the thanks I get? I should have charged you for the 5-minute gout spell.
Soujiro: But if I get this right, I'm on the way to claim a fortune!
Zidane: its A. Leaches are always.... no, it's C. Definitely the fruit!
Soujiro: Many thanks! (To Totosai) It's C.
Totosai: C's your final answer?
Soujiro: Yes.
Totosai: ...Thou fool
Soujiro: No!
Totosai: thou impertinent, stupid- yeah that is the answer!
Soujiro: Truly??
Totosai: Yes!
Audience applauds
Totosai: Just one more and you'll be very rich!
Soujiro: I can't wait to buy my own kingdom!
Totosai: Your final question is.... The Ride of the Valkyries is... A: a magic spell? B: a famous musical piece? C: a fruity drink? Or D: what happens when paladins let their wives go to battle with them?
Soujiro: Oh zounds, I was never good this. I'm going to have to conjure a friend.
Totosai: Who do you want me to conjure?
Soujiro: My roommate Julie. She's really smart.
Totosai: As you like it. Julie come hither!
Misao can be heard off stage
Misao: Hello??
Totosai: This is Halfas the tired. Your roommate is one question away from being a millionaire.
Misao: Ooh! How exciting!
Soujiro: Julie! I need help! Is it A, B, C, or D?
Misao: Hey wait a minute; you owe me 500 coins for breaking my statue of Lord Aoshi!
Everyone but Soujiro roars with laughter
Soujiro: I keep telling you, it was a goblin sapper! I tried to stop him, cut me some slack here.
Misao: Might help if I knew the question, you smiley oaf!
Soujiro: It's the Ride of the Valkyries: you helped create that for God's sake!
Misao: It's a song! Music thingy!
Soujiro: I'll bring Aoshi himself if that's the right answer.
Misao: ^-^ I'm looking forward to it! Bye!!
Totosai: My word, she's excited.
Soujiro: I'll go with B.
Totosai: Are you sure?
Soujiro: Yea.
Totosai: By the gods...
Soujiro: ..
Totosai: Of all the crazy, pagan answers... thou art a millionaire!!
Nick: (hits the buzzer and everyone gets to their seats.) That was great. A thousand points to everyone but Soujiro for running a debt.
Soujiro: Hey!
Nick: But it's funny Misao kept the gag going as far as she did. Our next game is called 'Three-headed Broadway star'. This is for Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro. What they do is that they sing a song from a broadway musical, but they all sing it one word at a time as a strange 3-headed broadway star.
Zidane grabs a stool and sets it up while Misao and Soujiro get in position.
Nick: And as a special treat, instead of picking a member from the audience, we've got a special guest they're going to sing to. Please welcome our guest tonight: he's the former leader of the Oniwaban and can wield a kodachi like a master, the always Aoshi Shinomori!
Aoshi comes out on stage amidst applause and many screaming fangirls.
Zidane: What do they see in him?
Totosai: He's got class among a hundred things you don't have
Zidane: Shut yer trap, old man!
Misao: Yay!!! Lord Aoshi!! (She makes a beeline to the aforementioned and squeezes him in a bear hug.)
Aoshi: (Sweat drops) Uh, Misao... I can't breathe.
Misao: Oh, gomen nessai!
Aoshi sits down on the stool amidst the drooling of many fangirls.
Nick: Okay. Now we need the name song. Some one finish this line-
Random fangirl: "Ice Blue Eyes!!"
The audience applauds.
Aoshi: You've got to be kidding me...
Nick: ......Okay. When you're ready, let's hear the hit broadway song, "Ice Blue Eyes."
Soothing ballad music starts playing.
Zidane: You've..
Misao: Got..
Soujiro: Such ..
Zidane: Beautiful
Misao: blue
Soujiro: eyes...
Zidane: I ...
Misao: think..
Soujiro: they're
Zidane: repugnant...
The fan girls boo at Zidane.
Misao: When
Soujiro: I
Zidane: look
Misao: at
Soujiro: them
Zidane: I
Misao: melt
Soujiro: like
Zidane: ...butter...
Audience laughs while Aoshi sweat drops.
Misao: people
Soujiro: don't have—
Audience laughs
Zidane: such eyes
Misao: as
Soujiro: ...cool
Zidane: as
Misao: yours..
Soujiro: your
Zidane: eyes
Misao: can
Soujiro: scare
Zidane: away
Misao: lawyers.
More laughter.
Soujiro: I
Zidane: wish
Misao: that
Soujiro: I
Zidane: had
Soujiro: such
Zidane: great
Misao: eyes
Zidane: so
Misao: that
Soujiro: I
Zidane: Can
Misao stare
Soujiro: at
Zidane: yooouuuu..
More laughter.
Misao: Piercing!
Soujiro: Cold!
Zidane: Bloodshot!
Misao/Zidane/Soujiro harmonizing: Ice blue eyes.........
Music stops, audience applauds and Nick hits the buzzer:
Nick: That was both strange and very entertaining. 500 points go to everyone, minus 300 to Zidane for trying to destroy the song.
Zidane: That's it; you and me, after the show!
Nick: Better bring some life insurance, punk. (To the audience) Let's hear it for our guest, Aoshi Shinomori. It was a pleasure having you on the show.
Aoshi: Don't think much of it.
Misao: - Awww, you're going already??
Aoshi: I have to. I just got word that the Kamiya woman is going berserk back in Tokyo and that the Battousai needs help with it.
Misao: (thundering like a fog horn) HIS NAME'S NOT 'BATTOUSAI!" IT'S KENSHIN!!!!
Nick: Good luck Aoshi, and keep me posted.
Aoshi: As you wish.
Nick: Now sit tight folks; we're going to pick our winner after a quick break. So stick around for more "Whose Line!"
1 quick break later...
Act3:
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner is Soujiro Seta!
Soujiro settles into the host's seat.
Nick: While Soujiro relaxes. All four of us are going to do a game called "Quick Change." What happens is that Misao, Totosai, and I are going to act out a scene like normal. But when prompted by Zidane, the current speaker has to say something completely different than before the intervention. Now we need the name of a place with a sense of urgency.
Soujiro takes out a card.
Soujiro: "The captain and his lackeys on the deck on an English warship, moments before the battle against the Spanish Invincible Armada."
Nick: How's our stock of powder and shots?
Totosai: I was supposed to take inventory?
Misao: You moron! We're going into battle and you're sawing logs.
Zidane: Change.
Misao: I'm trying to cook dinner and here you are releasing the chickens!
Audience laughs.
Totosai: Those birds are getting tired of being cooped up so I let them out for some air.
Nick: Would you both calm down? The armada is close by.
Totosai: Yikes, we'd better pipe down.
Zidane: Change.
Totosai: Wow! We'd better fire a warning shot!
Misao: You've lost it for sure!
Nick: Quiet!..... Load the cannons.
Zidane: Change.
Nick: Quick, stuff all the gunpowder down my pants!
Misao: Are you crazy??
Zidane: Change.
Misao: Where do I start?
Totosai: Agh! Do you hear that?
Misao: You mean the sound of a cannonball whistling through the air?
Zidane: Change.
Misao: Isn't that the pizza boy arriving?
Audience laughs
Nick: You fool. It's the 16th century: Pizza hasn't been introduced to England yet!
Zidane: Change
Nick: Did you order one with ham and pineapple? That's my favorite.
Totosai: It's the Spanish ships! They're opening fire!
Zidane: Change.
Totosai: They're throwing a party!
Misao: What did I do to get on a crew like this?
Zidane: Change.
Misao: (Stares daggers at Zidane) What will I do to the guy when I find him and hang him by his tail?
Soujiro hits the buzzer.
Nick: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line." Don't go anywhere!
Epilogue
Nick and Zidane are on stage
Nick: Welcome back. Before we get to the credits, I'm expecting an important call (A cell phone rings) Hello?.... Oh how did it go?..... Really?..... Alrighty. (Puts the phone away) That was Aoshi; the Kaoru Crisis has been averted!
Audience cheers.
Nick: Unfortunately, not as well as planned.
Zidane: (takes out his daggers) So you're ready for a world of hurt?
Nick: (Takes out a claymore) If you folks are asking, about the credits, I'll tell you: Zidane and I are going to shout insults and threats at each other while we're fighting. See you next time!
Zidane: (charges) Every Arthur Forrest I've met, I've annihilated!
Nick: With a breath like Dan Patterson's, I'm sure they've all suffocated!
Zidane: Take this!
They both disappear in a cloud of dust, weapons flying everywhere.
Nick: That tears it; I'll show you my Mark Levison technique!!
Zidane: Wise guy! Don't make me pull a Drew Carey on you!
Nick: Impressive, but can it beat my Wayne Brady?
Totosai: So what do you make of this?
Misao: I don't want to get involved.
Soujiro: Me neither...(To the reader) if you'd like to see more craziness, please leave a review!
Misao: OR I'LL SMASH YOU LIKE A BUG!!!!!!!
Ravenf6: If there is a character you'd like to see from a favorite game or anime appear on the show, drop me a line in the review page and I'll try to accommodate you in future chapters.
Misao: AND YOU'D BETTER LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Ravenf6: Okay Misao, calm down. I think the nice people got the message.
Misao: Will you do another show where Lord Aoshi and I will do a sketch?
Ravenf6: That is very foreseeable.
Misao hugs ravenf6
Ravenf6: (choking)Uh, Misao. While I appreciate your expression of joy, I like breathing very much.
Misao: Oops, sorry!/\_/\!
Ravenf6: Next time up, I'm hosting! Be there when more insanity erupts, plus I'm having a very special guest on the show. See ya next time!
Nicodemus: I come from the fanfic, Kamiya Dojo Insomniacs if you want to know. Just call me "Nick" for right now.
Prologue:
Juno: Oh my god, that was hysterical. When can you guys do the show again?
Kenshin: As soon as Miss Kaoru calms down, I fear she's still running around with daggers, that she is.
Sano: Don't sweat it. The missy should be mellow by next week.
Yahiko: So what now?
Juno: I'm going to take some time off to recover a little.
Yahiko: But who's going to be the host?
Juno: My master will take care of things for a while. And he already has a show organized.
Nick: Okay. Everything's in place so off you go for a while. The show must go on.
Ravenf6's Who's Line Fic #2
Misao, Totosai, Zidane, and Soujiro
Nick: Kuut Ajahehk, Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome once again to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" On tonight's show:
She's crunchy in milk, Misao Makimachi! (Misao waves at the camera)
Goes great with a side of fries, Zidane Tribal! (Zidane starts eyeing a cute girl in the crowd)
Wash it all down with a cup of Soujiro Seta! (Soujiro bows cheerfully)
And.. boiled in his own stomach, Totosai the smithy! (half-asleep)
Nick: I'm your host, Nicodemus Blackwyvern. Let's go down and get this party started.
(The audience applauds loudly)
Nick: (sits at the desk) Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where we all laugh at random idiocy, and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like us giving mercy to the IRS. These four guests will make up gags off the top of their heads and get awarded fakey points. At the end of the show, we pick a winner who gets do something special with me...while the losers learn dating tips from Zidane.
Everyone laughs except a miffed Zidane.
Zidane: Watch it Blacky. Or else you're gonna get your butt kicked.
Nick: It's not my fault you can't get a date.
Laughter increases
Totosai: Bunch of buzzards, those IRS people. They call my breath a deadly weapon.
Misao: You breathe fire for crying out loud!
Nick: Okay, we've got lots of show so let's start with an all-time favorite: Questions only. This is for all four of you.
Misao and Soujiro go one end while Totosai and Zidane go the other.
Nick: This is a great game at a party, especially if there's no music or booze. The actors can only speak in questions, if someone screws up, I buzz them out and someone takes their place. The scene is (pulls out a card) "Single's night at a medieval castle."
Misao and Totosai come first
Misao: Are those frogs' eyes?
Totosai: Can you not tell I'm happy to see you?
Misao: Have you ever felt something hot, like a dragon's breath before?
Audience: Ooh...
Totosai: ...You can tell I brush with brimstone toothpaste??
Audience laughs
Misao: my god!- you're that- p-dammit!
BZZZT!
Soujiro: Did you see that cute girl just now?
Totosai: ..Depends who's asking?
Soujiro: . ..Did something happen to your eyes, mister?
Totosai: (angry) Why does everyone keep asking about my eyes?!?!
Soujiro: Do you now something I don't?
Totosai:... I'm goin'
BZZZ! Audience laughs, Zidane comes in
Zidane: Have you tried the haggis?
Soujiro: ... Are you the Black Knight?
Zidane:... What if I am?
Soujiro: Don't you know you're not wanted here?
Zidane: You wanna fight?
Soujiro: Don't you know who you're dealing with?
Zidane: A strange smiley boy who can't get some?
Soujiro:... I'll be back, knave!
BZZZZ! Miso comes back
Zidane: You want some of this? (Starts grooving)
Misao: Art thou coming on to me?
Zidane: Don't you know it's written on a scroll we'd meet tonight?
Misao: Aren't you the chosen one who's supposed to die?
Audience howls in laughter
Zidane:... Is it because I'm the Black Knight, whom can get a date quick as lightning?
Misao: Could it also be you have the ugliest tail in the kingdom?
Audience laughs and camera focuses in Zidane's tail
Zidane: ....
BZZZZT! Soujiro takes over
Soujiro: Are you all right, milady?
Misao: (blush) My, aren't you the polite one?
Soujiro: Have you heard that the Black Knight is here?
Misao: (afraid) Really??
Soujiro: Let us go to the tower and hide?
Misao: Is it better than- ah phooey!
BZZZT! Enter Totosai
Totosai: ... have you ever seen a guy with a tail around here?
Soujiro: Have I?
Totosai: What's with the smart mouth?
Soujiro: Is it the one that has teeth?
Totosai:.... You cut me deep (leaves)
BZZZT! You get the idea by now...
Zidane: So, we meet again?
Soujiro: Are you ready to taste cold steel, fiend?
Zidane: Isn't that the one chick who you just talked to?
Soujiro: ....no
BZZZZT!
Nick: That's enough. So that's 400 points to Zidane, Totosai, and Soujiro.... and 1000 to Misao for pointing out the tail
Audience laughs while Zidane grumbles.
Nick: Next up we have a game called Party Quirks. This is for all four of you. Misao, you're going to be hosting a party. But your guests have strange personalities written on these cards (holds up a card) and you have to try to guess who they are.
Zidane looks at his card with an "Oh my god!" look
Totosai looks at his card and stifles a laugh
Soujiro looks at his card with an "oh dear..." look
Nick: They'll come in as I ring them in (pushes doorbell) like so. Take it away.
Misao: (acts like she's reading a cookbook) "marinate with 4 ½ cups of sake". This is the last time I borrow a cookbook from Sanouske.
Nick and audience roar with laughter.
Dingdong!
Misao: Just a minute (opens a fake door) Hey! Welcome to the party!
Zidane comes in and the monitor for those at home says "The Marx Brothers"
Zidane: (As Groucho) Well, it's a pleasure to be here. By the way, is that a roast or are you inventing a drunken chicken style of martial arts?
Misao:... Well, I'm only following the recipe.
Zidane (As Chico) Ah this is a marvelous bird you got-a here. Did you pinch it off Wolfgang Puck?
Audience laughs
Ding-dong!
Misao: If you touch that bird, you two are dead men. (opens the "door") Welcome to the party!
Totosai comes in and message reads: "A nervous Captain Hook who thinks Soujiro is the ticking Crocodile.
Totosai: It's good to be here. (Looks around) Really good to be here. Do you have anything "Pan-fried?"
Misao: Why don't you try the shish kabob?
Totosai: Don't mind if I do! Mm! This is good! I never-never tasted anything so good before!
Zidane: (Tries to pick-pocket Misao)
Misao: Hey! Don't get any ideas, you monkey pervert.... with two personalities!
Nick: Aside from the fresh part, that's not what he is.
Zidane: (Groucho) I've never been so insulted in all my life. This is the craziest parody I've ever performed. (Chico) Ah, shut-a up, you stupid host who does nothing and let me work!
Ding-dong!
Misao: Whoever you are , try to keep the old pirate happy. (opens door) Hello there.
Soujiro enters with an evil face for the monitor reads "The evil Naraku, who Thinks everyone stole his jewel shards")
Soujiro: (vengefully) What's so good about it? Wish you to die?
Misao: (Sweat drops) Umm did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
Soujiro: Keep that up and you'll find yourself a grave, Weasel.
Totosai: Ahhh! Tick-tock, tick-tock! I hear a clock! Does anyone else hears a clock?? (looks around nervously)
Soujiro: What do you know, old man?
Totosai: Get away from me, you reject from a suitcase factory!
Soujiro: You have something of mine, and I want it now!
Misao: Try the been dip; it's to die for!
Soujiro: Ever known what it's like to be devoured by thousands of demons at once?
Misao:.... I'm gonna get back to you.
Zidane: (Honk! Honk!) (Chico) Ooh! This is a good piece of jewelry you've got here miss
Soujiro: Give me that, or I'll get you and your little dog-boy too!
Misao: Okay, Mr. Angry. Simmer down while I talk to this multiple personality-disordered thief
Nick: You're close. Think of an old comedy team.
Misao: It is Laurel and Hardy?
Nick: No. "Monkey Business", "Duck Soup" "A Night at the Opera"...
Misao: Oh! The Marx Brothers!
Nick: Yes! (Bzzt!)
Totosai runs around the studio with Soujiro in pursuit
Totosai: Go away! You already took me hand! Isn't that enough?!?
Soujiro: Give me back what's mine!
Misao: My god! What's the problem? (Grabs Soujiro) Listen Mr. Evil, stop chasing my guests around!
Nick: Yeah, but which Mr. Evil?
Misao: ... Saitou?
Audience laughs
Nick: No but if you fell down a well, you'd hate this guy very much.
Misao: Oh no! Not Naraku?!?
Nick: Yes, and he's chasing everyone because he-
Misao: -Someone stole his jewel shards?
Nick: Got it all in one, Misao. (BZZZT!)
Soujiro sits back down
Totosai: Is he gone??
Misao: I think so.
Totosai: This makes "smee" wish I could fly, I could fly.
Misao: Oh take it easy you old Captain Hook you.
Nick: Close enough! (BZZZZT!) But it also said that he thinks Soujiro is the crocodile.
Audience applauds.
Nick: Okay, that's 2000 thousand points to everyone, and a thousand more points to Misao for not getting upset at being called a Weasel. Don't go anywhere 'cause we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
Act 2:
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The reality show with any real meaning and/or reward to the audience. If you're still asking for more, then fear not. All things will come to those who wait. Our next game will be Multiple personalities. This game is for Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro. What'll happen is that these three are going to act out a situation, but they will have given props that associate them with a specific personality.
Nick produces an antique watch, a croquet mallet, and a walking cane. Zidane takes the mallet, Misao the cane, and Soujiro gets the watch.
Nick: The scene is. (Reads a card) "Three traveling explorers are passing through Wonderland, but are soon attacked by the Heartless." Now here's the fun part: whoever is holding the watch is Dave the Barbarian (Audience laughs while Soujiro blushes a deep red), whoever's holding the cane is Ganondorf (Audience roars in laughter while Misao has a 'what the hell?!" look on her face), and whoever's holding the mallet is Cookie from 'Atlantis' (Zidane laughs at the idea). So whenever you're ready...
Misao: (Ganondorf) Do any of you fools know where we're going? This is the 4th time we've entered the Lotus forest!!
Soujiro: (Dave) AAH!! Don't shout at me like that!
Zidane: (Cookie) This sure looks like the strangest place I've seen since Albuquerque. Someone's gonna have to watch for rattlesnakes.
Misao: (Ganondorf) I think we should go that way! (Swings the cane towards the back) The momraths are outgrabing!
Soujiro: (Dave) No, it's dark and scary over there!
(Audience howls in laughter)
Misao: (Ganondorf) We'll go where I say we'll go, you pitiful worm!
Soujiro: (Dave) I still think we should go see the caterpillar, give me that cane; I can't walk.
Misao and Soujiro switch props.
Zidane: (Cookie) Anyone up for some grub? I've got plenty to go around.
Misao: (Dave) NOO!!! Anything but your cooking, I'm allergic to any kind of pain and discomfort!
(Audience laughs)
Zidane: (Cookie) Here. Take this, might make ya feel braver.
Zidane and Misao switch.
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Did any of you hear that??
Zidane: (Dave) Hear what???
Misao: (Cookie) Sounds like injuns! Somebody get the guns ready!
Zidane: (Dave) Bejabbers!! It's a Jabberwocky!!!
(Audience cheers)
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Worse: it's the Heartless!!!
Zidane: (Dave) I say we run!
Misao: (Cookie) Saddle up partner. It's time to take out the trash!!
Audience roars in laughter as all three of them act like they're fighting. Zidane clutches his chest like he's shot
Zidane: (Dave) Agh! They got me!
Misao: (Cookie) Dang blast it! I'll teach those varmints not to mess with us!!
Soujiro: (Ganondorf) Damn are you're worthless!
Soujiro hands the cane over and gets the watch.
Soujiro: (Dave) Is it serious??
Zidane: (Ganondorf) I'm dying, fools: Thanks for nothing, you spineless wimp.
Misao: (Cookie) Maybe I oughta hold on to that cane
Misao takes the cane.
Soujiro: (Dave) He's dead
Misao: (Cookie/Ganondorf hybrid) Well don't just stand there, you dang fool. Dig a grave before I send you to the Queen of Hearts to lose your head!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!
(Audience laughs at Misao's voice hybrid.)
Nick hits the buzzer many times, ending the game. Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro return the props and sit down amidst thunderous applause)
Nick: That was great. 1,000 points to everybody, and 400 points more to Misao for the best Ganondorf impersonation I've ever seen. It was so real!
Totosai: Yeah, that made my skin crawl. I haven't been that scared since Sesshomauru found out about the Tenseiga.
Misao: (angry) WHAT WAS THAT, OLD MAN!??
Zidane: You're really cute when you get angry like that (purrs).
Misao slams a fist in Zidane's face. The audience laughs as he falls over.
Nick: Make that a million points more to Misao for knocking down a co-star!
Zidane: Damn. She's pretty strong! (Rubs the red area on his cheek)
Nick: And a 2 million-point bonus goes to Zidane for the best use of "bejabbers!" Somebody try to stop me; I'm givin' points away like there's no tomorrow!! Let's move on to a game called 'the Millionaire show'. This is for everybody. Now, Soujiro is going to be a guest on the millionaire show with Totosai as the host, Zidane as the member of the audience, and Misao as the phone-a-friend. However, this isn't a normal game show. (Turns to the audience) What I need now is a theme for the show...
Audience: Beverly Hillbillies! Outer space! WarCraft!
Nick: Now there's a good one! Let's do the WarCraft Millionaire show!
Totosai: Welcome to the show. I'm Halfas the tired we are two questions away from awarding our chosen one a million gold coins. But if anyone goes telling what they see to the Orcs, I'll turn them into pigs and have them for dinner!
Audience laughs.
Totosai: Now then what is your name?
Soujiro: Yoric Skullchewer.
Totosai: You're two questions away from winning that million gold coin prize. Art thou ready?
Soujiro: I fear nothing!
Totosai: Hark! Your 1st question. The best cure for scurvy is... A: blood from an orcish ax? B: troll spit? C: an enchanted orange? Or D: getting zapped by an ogre-magi's rune spell?
Soujiro: Hmm. This is a tough question.
Totosai: Thou has two lifelines. You can either talk to an audience member or conjure a friend.
Soujiro: Methinks I shall call my friend in the audience, Jock the strap maker.
Audience laughs.
Soujiro: He's very good at remedies. (Turns to audience) Jock! Are you there? 'Tis I, Yoric.
Zidane: Hey, Yoric! What can I get for you today?
Soujiro: This wizard is giving me questions-
Zidane: I've got some boiled owl, some haste-in-a-bun, and a love potion-
Soujiro: -Can you keep your mind off girls for a second??!?
Audience laughs while Zidane gets a sour face.
Soujiro: Is it A, B, C, or D?
Zidane: After all the strings I pulled to get you out of the Stromgarde army, this is the thanks I get? I should have charged you for the 5-minute gout spell.
Soujiro: But if I get this right, I'm on the way to claim a fortune!
Zidane: its A. Leaches are always.... no, it's C. Definitely the fruit!
Soujiro: Many thanks! (To Totosai) It's C.
Totosai: C's your final answer?
Soujiro: Yes.
Totosai: ...Thou fool
Soujiro: No!
Totosai: thou impertinent, stupid- yeah that is the answer!
Soujiro: Truly??
Totosai: Yes!
Audience applauds
Totosai: Just one more and you'll be very rich!
Soujiro: I can't wait to buy my own kingdom!
Totosai: Your final question is.... The Ride of the Valkyries is... A: a magic spell? B: a famous musical piece? C: a fruity drink? Or D: what happens when paladins let their wives go to battle with them?
Soujiro: Oh zounds, I was never good this. I'm going to have to conjure a friend.
Totosai: Who do you want me to conjure?
Soujiro: My roommate Julie. She's really smart.
Totosai: As you like it. Julie come hither!
Misao can be heard off stage
Misao: Hello??
Totosai: This is Halfas the tired. Your roommate is one question away from being a millionaire.
Misao: Ooh! How exciting!
Soujiro: Julie! I need help! Is it A, B, C, or D?
Misao: Hey wait a minute; you owe me 500 coins for breaking my statue of Lord Aoshi!
Everyone but Soujiro roars with laughter
Soujiro: I keep telling you, it was a goblin sapper! I tried to stop him, cut me some slack here.
Misao: Might help if I knew the question, you smiley oaf!
Soujiro: It's the Ride of the Valkyries: you helped create that for God's sake!
Misao: It's a song! Music thingy!
Soujiro: I'll bring Aoshi himself if that's the right answer.
Misao: ^-^ I'm looking forward to it! Bye!!
Totosai: My word, she's excited.
Soujiro: I'll go with B.
Totosai: Are you sure?
Soujiro: Yea.
Totosai: By the gods...
Soujiro: ..
Totosai: Of all the crazy, pagan answers... thou art a millionaire!!
Nick: (hits the buzzer and everyone gets to their seats.) That was great. A thousand points to everyone but Soujiro for running a debt.
Soujiro: Hey!
Nick: But it's funny Misao kept the gag going as far as she did. Our next game is called 'Three-headed Broadway star'. This is for Zidane, Misao, and Soujiro. What they do is that they sing a song from a broadway musical, but they all sing it one word at a time as a strange 3-headed broadway star.
Zidane grabs a stool and sets it up while Misao and Soujiro get in position.
Nick: And as a special treat, instead of picking a member from the audience, we've got a special guest they're going to sing to. Please welcome our guest tonight: he's the former leader of the Oniwaban and can wield a kodachi like a master, the always Aoshi Shinomori!
Aoshi comes out on stage amidst applause and many screaming fangirls.
Zidane: What do they see in him?
Totosai: He's got class among a hundred things you don't have
Zidane: Shut yer trap, old man!
Misao: Yay!!! Lord Aoshi!! (She makes a beeline to the aforementioned and squeezes him in a bear hug.)
Aoshi: (Sweat drops) Uh, Misao... I can't breathe.
Misao: Oh, gomen nessai!
Aoshi sits down on the stool amidst the drooling of many fangirls.
Nick: Okay. Now we need the name song. Some one finish this line-
Random fangirl: "Ice Blue Eyes!!"
The audience applauds.
Aoshi: You've got to be kidding me...
Nick: ......Okay. When you're ready, let's hear the hit broadway song, "Ice Blue Eyes."
Soothing ballad music starts playing.
Zidane: You've..
Misao: Got..
Soujiro: Such ..
Zidane: Beautiful
Misao: blue
Soujiro: eyes...
Zidane: I ...
Misao: think..
Soujiro: they're
Zidane: repugnant...
The fan girls boo at Zidane.
Misao: When
Soujiro: I
Zidane: look
Misao: at
Soujiro: them
Zidane: I
Misao: melt
Soujiro: like
Zidane: ...butter...
Audience laughs while Aoshi sweat drops.
Misao: people
Soujiro: don't have—
Audience laughs
Zidane: such eyes
Misao: as
Soujiro: ...cool
Zidane: as
Misao: yours..
Soujiro: your
Zidane: eyes
Misao: can
Soujiro: scare
Zidane: away
Misao: lawyers.
More laughter.
Soujiro: I
Zidane: wish
Misao: that
Soujiro: I
Zidane: had
Soujiro: such
Zidane: great
Misao: eyes
Zidane: so
Misao: that
Soujiro: I
Zidane: Can
Misao stare
Soujiro: at
Zidane: yooouuuu..
More laughter.
Misao: Piercing!
Soujiro: Cold!
Zidane: Bloodshot!
Misao/Zidane/Soujiro harmonizing: Ice blue eyes.........
Music stops, audience applauds and Nick hits the buzzer:
Nick: That was both strange and very entertaining. 500 points go to everyone, minus 300 to Zidane for trying to destroy the song.
Zidane: That's it; you and me, after the show!
Nick: Better bring some life insurance, punk. (To the audience) Let's hear it for our guest, Aoshi Shinomori. It was a pleasure having you on the show.
Aoshi: Don't think much of it.
Misao: - Awww, you're going already??
Aoshi: I have to. I just got word that the Kamiya woman is going berserk back in Tokyo and that the Battousai needs help with it.
Misao: (thundering like a fog horn) HIS NAME'S NOT 'BATTOUSAI!" IT'S KENSHIN!!!!
Nick: Good luck Aoshi, and keep me posted.
Aoshi: As you wish.
Nick: Now sit tight folks; we're going to pick our winner after a quick break. So stick around for more "Whose Line!"
1 quick break later...
Act3:
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner is Soujiro Seta!
Soujiro settles into the host's seat.
Nick: While Soujiro relaxes. All four of us are going to do a game called "Quick Change." What happens is that Misao, Totosai, and I are going to act out a scene like normal. But when prompted by Zidane, the current speaker has to say something completely different than before the intervention. Now we need the name of a place with a sense of urgency.
Soujiro takes out a card.
Soujiro: "The captain and his lackeys on the deck on an English warship, moments before the battle against the Spanish Invincible Armada."
Nick: How's our stock of powder and shots?
Totosai: I was supposed to take inventory?
Misao: You moron! We're going into battle and you're sawing logs.
Zidane: Change.
Misao: I'm trying to cook dinner and here you are releasing the chickens!
Audience laughs.
Totosai: Those birds are getting tired of being cooped up so I let them out for some air.
Nick: Would you both calm down? The armada is close by.
Totosai: Yikes, we'd better pipe down.
Zidane: Change.
Totosai: Wow! We'd better fire a warning shot!
Misao: You've lost it for sure!
Nick: Quiet!..... Load the cannons.
Zidane: Change.
Nick: Quick, stuff all the gunpowder down my pants!
Misao: Are you crazy??
Zidane: Change.
Misao: Where do I start?
Totosai: Agh! Do you hear that?
Misao: You mean the sound of a cannonball whistling through the air?
Zidane: Change.
Misao: Isn't that the pizza boy arriving?
Audience laughs
Nick: You fool. It's the 16th century: Pizza hasn't been introduced to England yet!
Zidane: Change
Nick: Did you order one with ham and pineapple? That's my favorite.
Totosai: It's the Spanish ships! They're opening fire!
Zidane: Change.
Totosai: They're throwing a party!
Misao: What did I do to get on a crew like this?
Zidane: Change.
Misao: (Stares daggers at Zidane) What will I do to the guy when I find him and hang him by his tail?
Soujiro hits the buzzer.
Nick: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line." Don't go anywhere!
Epilogue
Nick and Zidane are on stage
Nick: Welcome back. Before we get to the credits, I'm expecting an important call (A cell phone rings) Hello?.... Oh how did it go?..... Really?..... Alrighty. (Puts the phone away) That was Aoshi; the Kaoru Crisis has been averted!
Audience cheers.
Nick: Unfortunately, not as well as planned.
Zidane: (takes out his daggers) So you're ready for a world of hurt?
Nick: (Takes out a claymore) If you folks are asking, about the credits, I'll tell you: Zidane and I are going to shout insults and threats at each other while we're fighting. See you next time!
Zidane: (charges) Every Arthur Forrest I've met, I've annihilated!
Nick: With a breath like Dan Patterson's, I'm sure they've all suffocated!
Zidane: Take this!
They both disappear in a cloud of dust, weapons flying everywhere.
Nick: That tears it; I'll show you my Mark Levison technique!!
Zidane: Wise guy! Don't make me pull a Drew Carey on you!
Nick: Impressive, but can it beat my Wayne Brady?
Totosai: So what do you make of this?
Misao: I don't want to get involved.
Soujiro: Me neither...(To the reader) if you'd like to see more craziness, please leave a review!
Misao: OR I'LL SMASH YOU LIKE A BUG!!!!!!!
Ravenf6: If there is a character you'd like to see from a favorite game or anime appear on the show, drop me a line in the review page and I'll try to accommodate you in future chapters.
Misao: AND YOU'D BETTER LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Ravenf6: Okay Misao, calm down. I think the nice people got the message.
Misao: Will you do another show where Lord Aoshi and I will do a sketch?
Ravenf6: That is very foreseeable.
Misao hugs ravenf6
Ravenf6: (choking)Uh, Misao. While I appreciate your expression of joy, I like breathing very much.
Misao: Oops, sorry!/\_/\!
Ravenf6: Next time up, I'm hosting! Be there when more insanity erupts, plus I'm having a very special guest on the show. See ya next time!