Your heart is where my head should be

The dissonance is killing me

It breaks my heart…

"Emoji of a Wave" - John Mayer

Savior

He's late.

That's all that Emma can think about as she paces back and forth, trying to ignore the sinking feeling that's growing in the pit of her stomach. Her nerves are completely shot and the weight of the badge in her pocket seems to get heavier and heavier with every step that she takes. She grasps the chain around her neck, fiddling with the ring that dangles from it as if it could keep this feeling of drowning at bay but it's not working.

How was she supposed to do this?

She doesn't have time to answer her own question as another set of footsteps brings her out of her trance and before she can even catch her breath, he's standing before her. As soon as their eyes meet, she sees a genuine smile spread across his face and it hits her all at once. She can feel this insurmountable joy swell in her chest that fills her to the brim but it also hurts. It hurts to be this happy and to see him this happy because of what was about to happen.

Because of what she was about to do.

"I was hoping that you were going to be here, lass. A few of the men just got back from the harbor, scoping out the area to see if there were any new arrivals that look like we could make some good money from. You should come with me to check it out." he says as he peels off his black leather jacket and tosses it onto a nearby chair.

He comes to her and quickly captures her mouth in a kiss that steals her breath. All of his kisses do that to her. She can feel him smiling against her lips and it makes her want to die. The guilt claws its way up her throat and she feels herself choking back a sob.

"I can't…" she says quietly, breathily even, prying her lips from his.

He holds her face in his hands, and she revels in his touch, the contrast of the cold metal rings that adorn his fingers combined with the warmth of his embrace. He brushes a tear from her cheek that she hadn't even noticed was there and he looks at her with something that she doesn't see too often in his eyes: concern.

"What is it, love?" he asks.

"Killian, you need to get out of here…" she whispers.

"What're you talking about?" he chuckles.

"The cops are on their way down here… there's going to be a raid." she says and his hands drop to his side.

"How do you know this?" he asks, his voice dropping low and serious.

Her hand shakes as she reaches into her jacket pocket. The badge is cold against her fingertips, like death, and she can't deny the irony of it all. Because this little piece of metal was going to kill them and any shred of happiness that she thought they could have. He looks down at her hand and all she can do is watch all of the color drain from his face as he recoils from her, realizing what this means.

"You're a - you're a cop?" he sputters out.

"Yes… the mayor wanted the department to investigate the string of boatjackings in the area so they assigned me to infiltrate your organization..." she starts but he interrupts her.

"And was sleeping with me a part of your bloody assignment?" he cries.

She covers her mouth with her hands, trying and failing to stifle the heaving sobs that were erupting from her body, and he doesn't even bother to hide the anguish in his voice because she knows what this means to him. He backs away from her, putting his hands on top of his head and turns away from her. She hears him let out a shaky breath and when he faces her again, his eyes are glassy, filled to the brim with unshed tears. She can see in his eyes that inside, he was combing through every single conversation that they had ever had, searching for any sort of sign that she may have given him about her deception. She can see that he's questioning if the countless nights that they had spent making love until the sun came up actually meant anything.

But it did… more than he could ever know.

"No! I never planned this… falling for you was never a part of the plan, Killian!" she shrieks.

"And I'm just supposed to take your word for it? Is Leia even your real name?" he asks, his voice getting angrier by the minute.

He retreats even farther from her and all she wants to do is reach out to him, sputtering out a thousand apologies, but she stays frozen. She has no right to ask for his forgiveness and even if she could, there wasn't enough time.

"I know that you're upset and you have every right to be but all of this is beside the point, Killian. You need to go now. My team is en route as we speak and if you leave now, you have a chance to get away before they get here." she says.

Without any sort of preamble, she grabs a nearby duffel bag and immediately goes to his desk, throwing the bottom drawer wide open. The fact that she knew where he hid his cache of cash for purposes just like this probably stung but she had to save him. When the bag is filled to the brim with more than enough money for him to get out of the country and start a new life, she zips it up and hands it to him.

This was how she was going to make it up to him.

When all was said and done, her career would be in ruins but at least she could live with a clear conscience, knowing that she saved the man that she loved.

Before she can hand over the bag, she removes the chain around her neck and holds it out to him. She can remember the soft tenor of his voice as he told her that the ring had belonged to his brother who had died years ago. She can remember the feeling of his hands sweeping her hair to the side so that he could put the chain around her neck. Her skin prickles at the memory of him pressing a kiss to the back of her neck after he bestowed this gift upon her and more tears pool in her eyes as the words "I love you" echo in her ears.

It was the first time he had ever said it to her.

She didn't deserve it then and she doesn't deserve it now. She knew the magnitude of that necklace and she was unworthy of the sentiment. After a brief hesitation, he reaches to take it and their fingers brush against each other and almost instantly, he grasps her hand.

"Come with me." he breathes.

"What?" she asks.

"Come with me, please." he begs.

His blue eyes bore into hers, silently pleading with her to leave everything behind to be with him and she cannot think of anything she wants more than to have him take her away but she knows better.

"I can't… You can't afford any distractions while you're trying to get out of here and I don't want you to have to choose between me and your freedom." she says.

She doesn't even allow him to argue with her. Her mind was made up as soon as her boss told her what was going to happen. That wasn't the hard part. The hard part was seeing the look of utter devastation on Killian's face when he realized who she really was. She frantically rushes to the nearby supply closet, grabbing a handful of rope and a roll of duct tape, and comes back to him. A look of recognition crosses his face as she hands the materials over to him and he vehemently shakes his head.

"No, I can't…" he says, trying to push the items back into her grasp.

"You have to, Killian… we have to make this look real. It's the only way that this is going to work." she says, placing the rope and the tape into his hands.

She quickly seats herself on a nearby chair and puts her hands behind her back and after a moment's hesitation, he's behind her on his knees, binding her hands to the chair with the rope. His breath comes in short spurts as he secures the knot and when he comes around to face her, she can see the unabashed tears falling from his eyes and all she can manage is to press her forehead to his. God, she loves this man so much. If only they had more time.

But even she knows that no amount of time would ever be enough to say goodbye to him.

"Tell me your name… your real name." he whispers.

He's on his knees in front of her, looking up into her eyes beseechingly, as he makes his plea. His hands that hold the roll of duct tape shake and he sounds so broken by what's she's done to him and she feels sick to her stomach. Her arms flex against the rope, wanting to take him into her arms and make his pain go away, but it bites into her skin, holding her firmly against the chair and it serves her right. After lying to him for all of these months, she didn't deserve to comfort him. Stifling a rising sob, she shakes her head before looking back up at him, offering a weak and trembling smile.

"Emma… my name is Emma Swan." she says softly.

He tears a piece of the duct tape with his teeth and before it touches her skin, he kisses her so deeply that she sees stars. There's so much to say, so much that needs to be said but there's no time. So, he just says the only words that matter.

"I love you, Emma Swan." he whispers.

And then he's gone. No more than ten minutes pass before the door is kicked open and her team enters, ready to take Killian in. Her head whirls as the commotion surrounds her. The team sweeps the room, guns raised, shouting commands and searching for Killian. She can feel the squad leader come to her, untying the rope behind her back. When her hands are freed, she rubs the marks where they had dug into her skin before reaching to peel the duct tape off her face.

"Swan! Where's Jones?" the squad leader asks frantically.

"Gone." she breathes, with tears in her eyes.