Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing some writing on vacation after
all. Standard disclaimer applies; I don't own RK, Whose Line Is it, Anyway?
Anyone you've never heard of, they belong to me, I don't own anything or
anyone else mentioned here
Before we go underway, you may have read how I left to see my sister's child.
I'm afraid I have bad news...: complications arose and alas, the baby didn't make it. Even though she's gone to the beyond, I can still keep her memory alive. Therefore, I dedicate this chapter to my late niece, Isabelle Estella Arthurs-
I'll miss you more than words can say, rest in peace my dear child.....
How ironic that I put something like this up before a comedy, but now I must move on for her sake. And so I continue this fic with new resolution. A person cannot dwell on tragedy and forget to live, at least that's how I feel. Man, it feels good to get that off my chest, let us now resume what we've come for: Laughs by the bowl full!!!
Another note, I may sometimes include side stories behind the scenes like in this chapter.
Chapter 4: Misao, Aoshi, Saitou, and Battousai
Prologue:
Back stage in the studio. Ravenf6 is in an office, reading a letter when someone knocks on the door.
Ravenf6: Come in.
The door opens and Juno steps in.
Juno: You wanted to see me?
ravenf6: Yes. Can you help me with the show for a while?
Juno: Is something the matter?
Ravenf6: You could say that. I just got a letter from Key16, and it says here he wants to do a 10th show anniversary fic.
Juno: That's good!
Ravenf6: But it's gonna take some time to get it done.
Juno: That's bad...
Ravenf6: But I've made several guests arrangements to fill the coming shows (hands Juno a list).
Juno: That's good! (starts reading the list)
Ravenf6: But I can only pick four stars and a sidekick for it.
Juno:...
Ravenf6:... that's bad...
Juno: Can I go now? The show's going to start.
Another knock
Ravenf6: Come in
Kenshin comes in with a huge lump on his head
Juno: Good god, Kenshin! What happened to you?
Kenshin: I've got a headache the size of a house! I now someone requested Battousai the Manslayer to be on the show, but I can't do it in this condition; the strain would be too much for me!
Ravenf6: (sweat drops) ... Okay, go take some time off for now. I'll extract the Battousai from your psyche and give him physical form for the time being.
Kenshin: Do you think that's such a good idea?
Ravenf6: Juno, can you send for today's host?
Juno: Sure. (Leaves)
Ravenf6: Alrighty, let's start the separation process. Now I need you to brace yourself, Kenshin, this might sting a bit (takes out a scary-looking sickle)
Kenshin: Ah.. Wait, raven. Let's not do anything hasty...(raven poises to strike) ...oh, no..
The next e is cut off by a large explosion... A few seconds later the door opens. Juno enters the room, very wide-eyed. From his perspective, we see three forms splatted against the walls covered in soot.
Juno: Is everything all right in here?
Ravenf6: (peels off the wall and dusts himself off) Hmm. I wasn't expecting the room to be covered in ash. Hey Kenshin, you okay?
Kenshin: (peels off as well) was that really necessary?
The last guy peels off the wall and dusts himself off he looked like Kenshin's mirror image except he wore a blue gi and white hakama. Also, his eyes were a burning red.
Battousai: What the hell was that, a cannon?
Kenshin: Oh my god, it worked.
Battousai: I'm ... separate? (Grins wickedly) Now I can kill as much as I please!
Battousai starts to leave but Ravenf6 stops him in his tracks.
Ravenf6: Not so fast, Battousai the Manslayer. You'll only be around for a while.
Battousai: And who are you to speak to me like that?
Ravenf6: the writer of this fic. You're going to be on tonight's show.
Kenshin: Wow, I never thought of myself as being that scary during the revolution.
Battousai: Oh shut up, you sad excuse of a samurai!
Ravenf6: Settle down, you guys. This is only temporary.
Battousai: No, I rather like being separate. No more regrets or laundry for me!
Ravenf6: Even though you are the legendary manslayer, you would do well not to upset me.
Battousai: Or else what?
Ravenf6: (whispers into Battousai's ear)
Battousai: YOU WOULDN'T!?!! ... all right, I do it.
Kenshin: What did you say to him?
Ravenf6: I told him I'd make him sing opera.
Kenshin: (sweat drops) that's harsh.
Another knock at the door.
Juno: Tonight's host is here.
Ravenf6: Good. Send Scythe in.
Kenshin & Battousai: 'Scythe??'
The next person to come was a boy roughly around 15 years old. He wore a black bandana and had brown hair in a similar style to Sano, but not as wild. He looked normal enough wearing a green t-shirt and khaki shorts but he also had a pair of metal gloves on his hands (I think I stink at character descriptions). His most distinctive feature was a purple streak on his left cheek.
Scythe: (looks around) ...Did I come at a bad time?
Ravenf6: On the contrary. Everyone, this is Scythe, he's going to host today.
Scythe: It's good to be-(takes a quick look at Battousai and turns pale)- Holy infestation! It's Battousai the Manslayer! Kill him!!
Battousai: What's this feather-duster head talking about??
Ravenf6: Alright, calm down. Battousai's on the show and I hope you can get along...
Scythe: I hope you know what you're doing...
***
Tonight's program: Misao, Aoshi, Saitou, and Battousai
Scythe: Good evening and welcome once again to Ravenf6's Whose Line is it, Anyway?" On tonight's show...
The play's the thing, Misao Makimachi! (Misao waves at the camera)
Frailty, thy name is Aoshi Shinomori! (Aoshi reclines in his seat)
How now? a rat! Hajime Saitou! (Saitou looks irritated at the comment)
And... Dead for a ducat, dead- Battousai the Manslayer! (Battousai stares daggers at the camera)
I'm your host, Scythe Mana, let's go have some fun! (audience applauds while Scythe finds his way to the desk.)
Scythe: Okay, welcome to Whose Line, the only show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Just like American dignity to George W. Bush.(everyone laughs) Just for sake of consistency, these four are going make up stuff off the top of their heads and get awarded fake points that don't mean anything. At the end, we pick a winner who gets to do something with me and the loser has to try to get Battousai to do the laundry.
Audience laughs while Battousai looks annoyed.
Scythe: We've got a lot of show for you so let's start with a game called Party quirks. This is for everyone. (Everyone gets out of their seat) Aoshi's going to host a party while Misao, Saitou and Battousai are going to be guests (the latter go to the desk and receive three cards). But these guest aren't normal, they've each have a strange personality based on suggestions from these cards.
Battousai looks really angry at his card, Misao giggles in delight at hers, and Saitou sweat drops at his card.
Aoshi: You're joking? I'm not good at parties.
Scythe: Don't sweat it; I'll just ring in the guests one at a time and you try to guess who or what they are.
Aoshi: Well, it could have been worse. I could be saddled with the Kamiya girl and she has a hernia.
Audience laughs.
Scythe: ... Okay, I just lost my appetite. Whenever you're ready, let's start the game...
Aoshi: (pretends to be reading a book) Hmm. 4 teaspoons of paprika, a handful of garlic. This rotisserie chicken isn't so hard to make.
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: Just a minute. ('opens' the door and Misao comes in) Hello there.
Misao: (On the monitor, text reads "hyper-active anime fan girl". Audience laughs) Ooh! It's soooo good to be here!! I love your show (starts hugging Aoshi). I think you're the cutest thing to hit the planet!!!
Aoshi: (sweat drops) O.....kaaay. Why don't you try the bean dip over there?
Misao: Okay! (Starts hoping around like on a sugar rush) mmm! Thisissogood! Do you anything else??
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: (opens the door) Hi, come on in.
Battousai comes in and monitor text reads: "French maid who gets easily agitated by any signs of dirt." Audience laughs.
Battousai: (acts likes he's holding a feather duster and talks in heavy French accent) Bon jour mis ami! I'm so glad you could invite me to- sacre bleu! What is that!?!? (points at Aoshi's shoulder)
Aoshi: What?
Battousai: Agh, dust!!! I hate dust!!! You are stupid pig who lives in mud hole!! (dusts furiously)
Aoshi: ... Maybe you should try some sandwiches.
Battousai: (calm again) Okay. (looks at Misao and freaks out) AAaHHHH! A rat!!
Misao: Where? Where's a rat!?!?
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: So I have a rodent problem, sue me. (Opens the door) Welcome to the party.
Saitou: (monitor text reads "Elmer Fudd looking for anything to shoot." Audience laughs.) Well it's nice to be here. (looks around) Be vewy, vewy, quiet.
Aoshi: Why?
Saitou: I'm hunting wabbits. (Looks at Battousai) A peacock! Kill the peacock!! (Acts like he's taking out a shot gun and starts firing) ooh, wait till I get that peacock, it'll make a nice woast! (Audience laughs)
Battousai: Mon due! I can't stand gunpowder!! Get out of here you filthy wolf of a pig!!
Misao: (Squeals in delight) It's old shifty-eyes!!! You so dangerous and sexy!! Why not do a gotatsu on me sometime?
Scythe and audience howl in laughter.
Saitou: It's that scwewy duck!! I'm gonna bwast your bwains out!!!
Aoshi: Whoa! If you're going to shoot my guests, I'll have to ask you to leave. You're not going to find any wabbits here, Elmer!
Scythe buzzes Saitou out.
Battousai: It's bad enough I work for a slob. I never thought I'd have to work for a pig!!
Aoshi: You're the angriest, ugliest French maid I've ever seen in my life!
Scythe buzzes Battousai out.
Misao clings to Aoshi again and audience howls.
Misao: Maybe you should get your own show, you're so cute..^_^
Aoshi: (Sweat drops) Either I'm freaking out or she's one of those crazy, rabid fan girls that won't stop leaving me alone.
Scythe: Yes she is! (hits the buzzer many times to end the game)
Everyone goes back to their seats and the audience applauds.
Scythe: That was pretty cool. A thousand points to everyone, and 47 more points to Battousai for acting so much like a French maid.
Battousai: I never knew maids could get so angry, so I winged it.
Audience laughs.
Scythe: I believe that. Our next game is Misao and Saitou, which is called "What are you trying to say?" It's a rare game we do in which Misao and Saitou are acting as two people who get easily offended by what the other says. (turns to the audience) Now what I need from the audience is a place where you normally go.
VAM: Video store! Plant Nursery! Hospital!
Scythe: Hospital sounds good. Whenever you two ready, take it away.
Misao: Oh, welcome to the hospital, how may we help you?
Saitou: Yes, I'd like to see Dr. I. C. Nothing, I have an eye exam today.
Misao: Let's see... I'm afraid you'll have to wait here for a while.
Saitou: (offended) So what are you trying to say? Are you saying I'm not important enough to be seen right away? (audience laughs) Are you trying to tell me that you've got some rich imperialist slob who needs to monitored 24/7? (Gets angrier)That after all the time I've laid my life on the line, I have to wait 2 years before I can be seen for a simple eye check? (More laughter)
Misao: No. I'm just saying the doctor's in the middle of another appointment.
Saitou: (calm) Oh. (Scythe and audience laughs)
Misao: Hm. I just talked to him and said I should take a look at you.
Saitou: Good. Could you make it a thorough examination? I think I might have problems seeing.
Misao: (offended) So... what are you saying? (audience laughs) Are you saying I don't know how to examine people? (more laughter) That I'm just some poor girl they took off the street just so they wouldn't have to pay so much for a college graduate? (starts yelling) Am I just some stupid Weasel Girl whose so desperate to make money, I wouldn't have to do the job right, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?!!!??(Audience roars in laughter and cheering)
Saitou: No, I was just making sure we didn't miss anything.
Misao: (calm) Oh, good idea! (Audience cheers while Scythe doubles over in laughter)
Misao acts like she's examining Saitou's eyes.
Misao: Hmm. I think you need new contact lens. Something in a calm, light blue I think. (audience laughs)
Saitou: (offended) So what are you trying to say? (audience laughs) Are you saying my eyes are stupid? (audience laughs) Are you saying that my eyes are so scary, they can make anyone cringe like a baby and they flee in stark terror? (Audience cheers while Saitou turns really angry) ARE YOU SAYING THAT WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME THEY RUN AWAY LIKE I SHOOT LIGHTING FROM MY EYES EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO LIGHTNING COMING OUT AT ALL, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?!!!? (audience cheers and laughs)
Misao: No, I was just saying blue's a good color for you.
Saitou: (calm) ...Oh. (audience cheers) I'll take those then.
Misao: That'll be 20 yen.
Saitou: Here you go (pretends to hand over the money). Man, I'm glad I ran into you. Every time I get new lens in the past they took forever.
Misao: (offended) What are you saying?(audience laughs) That I'm some kind of overachiever?? Are you saying that I don't have a life? That I spend every waking moment to make sure you get just what you need, (audience laughs and Misao gets really angry) THAT I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY LIFE THAN BE A SLAVE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY????!!?!?! (Audience laughs and cheers)
Saitou: ... Actually, that's what I WAS trying to say. (audience laughs)
Scythe hits the buzzer to end the game, the wolf and weasel girl return to their seats.
Scythe: All the points go to Misao for that one.
Saitou: Whatever.
Scythe: We'll be right back with more Whose Line is it Anyway? Don't go anywhere....
Act 2: Audience applauds.
Scythe: welcome back to Whose Line is it, Anyway? The only game show that isn't a game at all. Our next one's for Aoshi, Battousai, and Saitou. This one's called 'show-stopping number. (audience cheers) What happens is that Saitou and the Battousai are going to start the scene, followed by Aoshi. And when I buzz them, they have to use the last thing they said and do a big show-stopping musical number. What I need from the audience now is the name of an ancient occupation.
VAM: Blacksmithing! Playwright!
Scythe: Blacksmithing was the first thing I've heard. So let's get started.
Battousai acts like he's pound something on an anvil with a hammer.
Saitou: What're you doing? It's break time.
Battousai: I was just working on this sword right now.
Saitou: Don't you think the boss'll get angry about you making things without his consent?
Battousai:... Do I look worried? That Aoshi can kiss my butt for all I care
Scythe hits the buzzer cueing the show-stopping number music.
Battousai: (Starts dancing around the stage singing) Hey, look at me, I'm making a brand new tool. And I don't care, that Aoshi's a fool. And you might think, you think I might be crass, but soon I'm gonna take this brand new sword and stick it up his (bleep)!
The music stops while the audience cheers and laughs.
Saitou: ... Are you sure you know what you're doing? Mr. Aoshi can be really tough when he's angry.
Battousai: Hmm. Hey, I've got an idea!
Saitou: What?
Battousai: Why don't you get him drunk?
Satiou: You want me to get the boss stewed?!?! (audience laughs)
Battousai: (grins evilly) Exactly!
Saitou: Well,.... Maybe just a little drunk. (buzzer sounds and the music ques on again, prompting Saitou to dance and sing) Hey, mister. We're breakin' the rules! Once we get the boss stuck on the booze! First he's gotta drink a lot, then I'm gonna smoke a lot: I'm gonna get the boss druuuuuuunk!(audience cheers wildly)
Battousai: So you'll do it?
Saitou: Yep.
Aoshi comes in.
Aoshi: What's going on here?
Saitou: This guy's forging a sword behind your back!
Battousai: What!?!?
Satiou: And he said he's gonna kick your butt!
Aoshi: I'm glad you told me, Saitou. You're promoted. And as for you Battousai, you're fired! (buzzer sounds)
Battousai: (To Saitou) Traitor!
Aoshi: (music starts and you know the rest by now) Yes, you're so fired! Early retired, you were a slacker now you're just a bum. You don't mess with me, that's the golden rule. Or I take out my kodachi and slice you up for my barbeque! (finishes with a "ta-da!" pose)
The audience cheers as the three return to their seats.
Scythe: Wow. A million points to everyone. That was great. I never thought you guys could do that kind of thing so well.
Saitou: Well, one does get bored after the Bakumatsu.
Battousai: Yeah. One can only kill so many people without wanting a break.
Scythe: You know something guy's you just gave me a new idea for a fan fic for the future: "Ruroni Kenshin: The musical!" (audience cheers) ...In the mean time though, let's move on to the next game which is(produces a bowler hat filled with sticky notes).. Scenes from a hat. (audience cheers) This game's for everyone, they have to make up stuff based on suggestions from these little notes as I read them out to them.
Saitou and Battousai are on one side of the stage while Aoshi and Misao are on the other.
Scythe: And the first scene is...(opens a note) "inventions that never made it big."
Misao: (comes on the stage) This new voting system will ensure 100% accuracy for the 2000 election.(leaves)
Audience laughs
Saitou: (comes out pretends to hold something) this penus enlargener was used in the movie, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery". (leaves)
Audience laughs and cheers
Scythe: (opens a new note) "The- (laughs) the-first draft of famous Shakespearean phrases"
Battousai: (comes out and sniffs around) "There's something rotten in the underwear of Hajime Saitou! (leaves)
Scythe and the audience laugh wildly, while Saitou looks pissed.
Saitou: (comes out) All hail Battousai, who shalt be dead hereafter! (leaves)
Audience cheers.
Aoshi: (steps in)To thine own self be true unless you're Sanouske Sagara. (leaves, audience laughs)
Misao: (steps in and acts like she got hit with a cream pie) The pastry cold cream'd? (charges at Battousai with fake pie) Then cold cream to thy work! (audience cheers)
Scythe: Ha ha. (opens a new note) Oh, this oughta be good: "Impossible questions for a wise man to answer."
Battousai: (comes out) If I'm the most dangerous manslayer of the revolution, how come I get beat up by a homicidal raccoon girl 10 years later? (everyone laughs and cheers as Battousai leaves)
Saitou: How come no one looks like me on "The Bachelor?" (makes an angry look and leaves, the audience laughs)
Aoshi: (steps in) If there's so much violence in this world, why can't we see Anime in its unedited form? (audience cheers)
Battousai: How come the host gets to do nothing for the whole show? (Scythe irritatedly buzzes Battousai out many times)
Scythe: If you remember, it was IMPOSSIBLE questions. One more card... (Opens a new one and grins) I think we're all gonnna enjoy this: "What Battousai the Manslayer is doing when he isn't killing people."
Misao: (comes out) Welcome to Whose Line is it anyway, where the points don't matter. (Leaves)
Audience cheers.
Saitou: Oro... (Drops to the floor complete with the swirly-eyed look. Audience howls with laughter while Battousai turns an angry red)
Battousai: Yes, well once I buy enough stock, I'll take over the Cartoon Network and bring uncensored anime to the children. (audience cheers) They've been doing a terrible job handling some real gems over the years. (Battousai leaves and gives Aoshi a high five)
Audience applauds. Scythe hits the buzzer ending the game. Everyone goes to their seats.
Scythe: That was pretty cool. 2 thousand points to Aoshi and Misao, 35,000 to Saitou, and 500,000 to Battousai for giving hope to anime enthusiasts everywhere.
Battousai: I'm serious: I am going to take over CN soon.
Scythe: I look forward to that. Stick around everyone, we're gonna find you who the winner is when we come back. Don't go anywhere!
Act 3:
Scythe, Battousai, Misao, and Aoshi are on the stage.
Scythe: Welcome back to Whose Line, tonight's winner is (points at the desk) Hajime Saitou!
Saitou: You're certainly a wise host.
Scythe: Saitou doesn't have to kill anyone, while the rest of us get to do a game called "The Irish Drinking song!"
The audience cheers wildly.
Scythe: ..and what we need is from the middle section of the audience, is a favorite holiday.
VAM: April Fools! Thanksgiving! Halloween!
Scythe: Let's do a Halloween one, so whenever the music starts, let's begin the Halloween Irish Drinking Song:
Music starts playing
Everyone on stage: oh,... ( starts swinging their hands in tune) ay Dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Scythe: I feel so good today
Battousai: Today is Halloween!
Misao: I get to eat lots of candy..
Aoshi: and scare away your average teen.
Scythe: I'll put on a real good costume
Battousai: I'll put out the cat
Misao: and if they choose to give me a rock,.
Aoshi: I'll hit 'em with a baseball bat!
Audience laughs
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Scythe: Maybe I'll go to a party
Battousai: and there, I'll spike the punch
Misao: and then I'll steal all the dessert
Aoshi: They'll lose bananas by the bunch
Scythe: I think I'll bob for apples
Battousai: and send the rest a'paniking
Misao: Because this year, I will be dressed
Aoshi: As a mummified Carol Channing!
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Audience starts clapping in tune with the music
Scythe: I'll watch a scary movie
Battousai: Invite all of my friends.
Misao: And when they all sleep over,
Aoshi: I'll scare their hairs to their end
Scythe; Because I'm really nasty.
Battousai: as nasty as can be!
Misao: I'll put ketchup on their bodies
Aoshi: And go on a killing spree!
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di,
Oh ay dee di dee di dee id dee di...dee...di...dee...di!!
The music stops and the audience applauds
Misao: Y'all better stick around for more 'Whose Line" (puts on her really angry face) or I really WILL crush you all like grapes!!!
Aoshi: You watch way too much "Dave the Barbarian", Misao.
Misao: (happy face) I know!
Epilogue:
Saitou and Misao are on the stage.
Scythe: Welcome back to the show. Tonight Saitou and Misao are going to read the credits-
Just then thunderclouds appear on the stage.
TC: (Evil booming voice) Quake in fear mortals, for now your show will be ruled by...
Something steps out as the clouds dissolve. A little psychotic looking pig wearing a cape.
Pig : (normal voice) The dark lord Chuckles the silly piggy! (laughs manically)
Scythe: What are you doing here, Chuckles?
Chuckles: I demand that you relinquish control of this fic to me...OR I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!! (takes out his mystical amulet of Hogswinebor and points it menacingly at the audience.)
Scythe: Whoa! Chuckles, take it easy! You know it's funny you came by.
Chuckles: Why?
Scythe: The writer of this fic is considering having non-anime guests appear on the show on occasion, and we're hoping you'd lend a hand.
Chuckles: What? You mean you want me, a dark lord bent on bringing suffering and despair to the world doing parlor tricks on a silly show??.... Good idea!
Scythe: Great! Now that the issue's been settled, Misao and Saitou will read the credits. And they're going to do it like they're trying to carve Chuckles up for dinner. Take it away.
Chuckles starts running with Saitou and Misao in Pursuit
Saitou: Here, Dan Patterson!
Misao: Come on, Mark Levison, it won't hurt a bit!
Chuckles: No! You people are insane as Chip Estan!
Saitou: But we can't have Drew Carey and Wayne Brady without Cecil Worrall, it's unheard of!
Chuckles: Help me! I don't wanna die!
Battousai: That pig is a dark lord?
Aoshi: This world is going to the dogs if they're letting barnyard animals being the villains.
You heard right folks, I'm making a new policy in regards to this fic. Every once in a while, I'll have non-anime or video game guests on the show. But you're still free to petition for anyone you want to see from a favorite anime or video game you want to be on the show and I'll try to accommodate you.
Review section: I've decided to take some time to thank the viewers who actually took the time to leave a review...
Lanny: I'm sorry, but I haven't seen Naruto so I'm afraid I can't put Kakashi on. But if you e-mail me an overall personality and description for him, I'll try to put him in a future chapter. But thanks for your review in the mean time.
Tenshi Koori: Ditto for Kyo. I'm terribly sorry, but if send me the info on him, I'll give it a go.
Twilight Dusk: You're pretty much the only one who actually made suggestions. Many, many thanks to you!
Key16: Words aren't enough to describe your support throughout this venture. And having you as a guest was one of the best honors I've received as a fanfic writer. I'll start working on #10 once I'm finished with it. I'm always looking forward to your fan fiction.
Remember folks, sometimes I can't think up a roster or certain gags off the top of my head. So I really appreciate you sending me suggestions for rosters and games along with your reviews.
Coming soon: #5
Before we go underway, you may have read how I left to see my sister's child.
I'm afraid I have bad news...: complications arose and alas, the baby didn't make it. Even though she's gone to the beyond, I can still keep her memory alive. Therefore, I dedicate this chapter to my late niece, Isabelle Estella Arthurs-
I'll miss you more than words can say, rest in peace my dear child.....
How ironic that I put something like this up before a comedy, but now I must move on for her sake. And so I continue this fic with new resolution. A person cannot dwell on tragedy and forget to live, at least that's how I feel. Man, it feels good to get that off my chest, let us now resume what we've come for: Laughs by the bowl full!!!
Another note, I may sometimes include side stories behind the scenes like in this chapter.
Chapter 4: Misao, Aoshi, Saitou, and Battousai
Prologue:
Back stage in the studio. Ravenf6 is in an office, reading a letter when someone knocks on the door.
Ravenf6: Come in.
The door opens and Juno steps in.
Juno: You wanted to see me?
ravenf6: Yes. Can you help me with the show for a while?
Juno: Is something the matter?
Ravenf6: You could say that. I just got a letter from Key16, and it says here he wants to do a 10th show anniversary fic.
Juno: That's good!
Ravenf6: But it's gonna take some time to get it done.
Juno: That's bad...
Ravenf6: But I've made several guests arrangements to fill the coming shows (hands Juno a list).
Juno: That's good! (starts reading the list)
Ravenf6: But I can only pick four stars and a sidekick for it.
Juno:...
Ravenf6:... that's bad...
Juno: Can I go now? The show's going to start.
Another knock
Ravenf6: Come in
Kenshin comes in with a huge lump on his head
Juno: Good god, Kenshin! What happened to you?
Kenshin: I've got a headache the size of a house! I now someone requested Battousai the Manslayer to be on the show, but I can't do it in this condition; the strain would be too much for me!
Ravenf6: (sweat drops) ... Okay, go take some time off for now. I'll extract the Battousai from your psyche and give him physical form for the time being.
Kenshin: Do you think that's such a good idea?
Ravenf6: Juno, can you send for today's host?
Juno: Sure. (Leaves)
Ravenf6: Alrighty, let's start the separation process. Now I need you to brace yourself, Kenshin, this might sting a bit (takes out a scary-looking sickle)
Kenshin: Ah.. Wait, raven. Let's not do anything hasty...(raven poises to strike) ...oh, no..
The next e is cut off by a large explosion... A few seconds later the door opens. Juno enters the room, very wide-eyed. From his perspective, we see three forms splatted against the walls covered in soot.
Juno: Is everything all right in here?
Ravenf6: (peels off the wall and dusts himself off) Hmm. I wasn't expecting the room to be covered in ash. Hey Kenshin, you okay?
Kenshin: (peels off as well) was that really necessary?
The last guy peels off the wall and dusts himself off he looked like Kenshin's mirror image except he wore a blue gi and white hakama. Also, his eyes were a burning red.
Battousai: What the hell was that, a cannon?
Kenshin: Oh my god, it worked.
Battousai: I'm ... separate? (Grins wickedly) Now I can kill as much as I please!
Battousai starts to leave but Ravenf6 stops him in his tracks.
Ravenf6: Not so fast, Battousai the Manslayer. You'll only be around for a while.
Battousai: And who are you to speak to me like that?
Ravenf6: the writer of this fic. You're going to be on tonight's show.
Kenshin: Wow, I never thought of myself as being that scary during the revolution.
Battousai: Oh shut up, you sad excuse of a samurai!
Ravenf6: Settle down, you guys. This is only temporary.
Battousai: No, I rather like being separate. No more regrets or laundry for me!
Ravenf6: Even though you are the legendary manslayer, you would do well not to upset me.
Battousai: Or else what?
Ravenf6: (whispers into Battousai's ear)
Battousai: YOU WOULDN'T!?!! ... all right, I do it.
Kenshin: What did you say to him?
Ravenf6: I told him I'd make him sing opera.
Kenshin: (sweat drops) that's harsh.
Another knock at the door.
Juno: Tonight's host is here.
Ravenf6: Good. Send Scythe in.
Kenshin & Battousai: 'Scythe??'
The next person to come was a boy roughly around 15 years old. He wore a black bandana and had brown hair in a similar style to Sano, but not as wild. He looked normal enough wearing a green t-shirt and khaki shorts but he also had a pair of metal gloves on his hands (I think I stink at character descriptions). His most distinctive feature was a purple streak on his left cheek.
Scythe: (looks around) ...Did I come at a bad time?
Ravenf6: On the contrary. Everyone, this is Scythe, he's going to host today.
Scythe: It's good to be-(takes a quick look at Battousai and turns pale)- Holy infestation! It's Battousai the Manslayer! Kill him!!
Battousai: What's this feather-duster head talking about??
Ravenf6: Alright, calm down. Battousai's on the show and I hope you can get along...
Scythe: I hope you know what you're doing...
***
Tonight's program: Misao, Aoshi, Saitou, and Battousai
Scythe: Good evening and welcome once again to Ravenf6's Whose Line is it, Anyway?" On tonight's show...
The play's the thing, Misao Makimachi! (Misao waves at the camera)
Frailty, thy name is Aoshi Shinomori! (Aoshi reclines in his seat)
How now? a rat! Hajime Saitou! (Saitou looks irritated at the comment)
And... Dead for a ducat, dead- Battousai the Manslayer! (Battousai stares daggers at the camera)
I'm your host, Scythe Mana, let's go have some fun! (audience applauds while Scythe finds his way to the desk.)
Scythe: Okay, welcome to Whose Line, the only show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Just like American dignity to George W. Bush.(everyone laughs) Just for sake of consistency, these four are going make up stuff off the top of their heads and get awarded fake points that don't mean anything. At the end, we pick a winner who gets to do something with me and the loser has to try to get Battousai to do the laundry.
Audience laughs while Battousai looks annoyed.
Scythe: We've got a lot of show for you so let's start with a game called Party quirks. This is for everyone. (Everyone gets out of their seat) Aoshi's going to host a party while Misao, Saitou and Battousai are going to be guests (the latter go to the desk and receive three cards). But these guest aren't normal, they've each have a strange personality based on suggestions from these cards.
Battousai looks really angry at his card, Misao giggles in delight at hers, and Saitou sweat drops at his card.
Aoshi: You're joking? I'm not good at parties.
Scythe: Don't sweat it; I'll just ring in the guests one at a time and you try to guess who or what they are.
Aoshi: Well, it could have been worse. I could be saddled with the Kamiya girl and she has a hernia.
Audience laughs.
Scythe: ... Okay, I just lost my appetite. Whenever you're ready, let's start the game...
Aoshi: (pretends to be reading a book) Hmm. 4 teaspoons of paprika, a handful of garlic. This rotisserie chicken isn't so hard to make.
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: Just a minute. ('opens' the door and Misao comes in) Hello there.
Misao: (On the monitor, text reads "hyper-active anime fan girl". Audience laughs) Ooh! It's soooo good to be here!! I love your show (starts hugging Aoshi). I think you're the cutest thing to hit the planet!!!
Aoshi: (sweat drops) O.....kaaay. Why don't you try the bean dip over there?
Misao: Okay! (Starts hoping around like on a sugar rush) mmm! Thisissogood! Do you anything else??
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: (opens the door) Hi, come on in.
Battousai comes in and monitor text reads: "French maid who gets easily agitated by any signs of dirt." Audience laughs.
Battousai: (acts likes he's holding a feather duster and talks in heavy French accent) Bon jour mis ami! I'm so glad you could invite me to- sacre bleu! What is that!?!? (points at Aoshi's shoulder)
Aoshi: What?
Battousai: Agh, dust!!! I hate dust!!! You are stupid pig who lives in mud hole!! (dusts furiously)
Aoshi: ... Maybe you should try some sandwiches.
Battousai: (calm again) Okay. (looks at Misao and freaks out) AAaHHHH! A rat!!
Misao: Where? Where's a rat!?!?
Ding-dong!
Aoshi: So I have a rodent problem, sue me. (Opens the door) Welcome to the party.
Saitou: (monitor text reads "Elmer Fudd looking for anything to shoot." Audience laughs.) Well it's nice to be here. (looks around) Be vewy, vewy, quiet.
Aoshi: Why?
Saitou: I'm hunting wabbits. (Looks at Battousai) A peacock! Kill the peacock!! (Acts like he's taking out a shot gun and starts firing) ooh, wait till I get that peacock, it'll make a nice woast! (Audience laughs)
Battousai: Mon due! I can't stand gunpowder!! Get out of here you filthy wolf of a pig!!
Misao: (Squeals in delight) It's old shifty-eyes!!! You so dangerous and sexy!! Why not do a gotatsu on me sometime?
Scythe and audience howl in laughter.
Saitou: It's that scwewy duck!! I'm gonna bwast your bwains out!!!
Aoshi: Whoa! If you're going to shoot my guests, I'll have to ask you to leave. You're not going to find any wabbits here, Elmer!
Scythe buzzes Saitou out.
Battousai: It's bad enough I work for a slob. I never thought I'd have to work for a pig!!
Aoshi: You're the angriest, ugliest French maid I've ever seen in my life!
Scythe buzzes Battousai out.
Misao clings to Aoshi again and audience howls.
Misao: Maybe you should get your own show, you're so cute..^_^
Aoshi: (Sweat drops) Either I'm freaking out or she's one of those crazy, rabid fan girls that won't stop leaving me alone.
Scythe: Yes she is! (hits the buzzer many times to end the game)
Everyone goes back to their seats and the audience applauds.
Scythe: That was pretty cool. A thousand points to everyone, and 47 more points to Battousai for acting so much like a French maid.
Battousai: I never knew maids could get so angry, so I winged it.
Audience laughs.
Scythe: I believe that. Our next game is Misao and Saitou, which is called "What are you trying to say?" It's a rare game we do in which Misao and Saitou are acting as two people who get easily offended by what the other says. (turns to the audience) Now what I need from the audience is a place where you normally go.
VAM: Video store! Plant Nursery! Hospital!
Scythe: Hospital sounds good. Whenever you two ready, take it away.
Misao: Oh, welcome to the hospital, how may we help you?
Saitou: Yes, I'd like to see Dr. I. C. Nothing, I have an eye exam today.
Misao: Let's see... I'm afraid you'll have to wait here for a while.
Saitou: (offended) So what are you trying to say? Are you saying I'm not important enough to be seen right away? (audience laughs) Are you trying to tell me that you've got some rich imperialist slob who needs to monitored 24/7? (Gets angrier)That after all the time I've laid my life on the line, I have to wait 2 years before I can be seen for a simple eye check? (More laughter)
Misao: No. I'm just saying the doctor's in the middle of another appointment.
Saitou: (calm) Oh. (Scythe and audience laughs)
Misao: Hm. I just talked to him and said I should take a look at you.
Saitou: Good. Could you make it a thorough examination? I think I might have problems seeing.
Misao: (offended) So... what are you saying? (audience laughs) Are you saying I don't know how to examine people? (more laughter) That I'm just some poor girl they took off the street just so they wouldn't have to pay so much for a college graduate? (starts yelling) Am I just some stupid Weasel Girl whose so desperate to make money, I wouldn't have to do the job right, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?!!!??(Audience roars in laughter and cheering)
Saitou: No, I was just making sure we didn't miss anything.
Misao: (calm) Oh, good idea! (Audience cheers while Scythe doubles over in laughter)
Misao acts like she's examining Saitou's eyes.
Misao: Hmm. I think you need new contact lens. Something in a calm, light blue I think. (audience laughs)
Saitou: (offended) So what are you trying to say? (audience laughs) Are you saying my eyes are stupid? (audience laughs) Are you saying that my eyes are so scary, they can make anyone cringe like a baby and they flee in stark terror? (Audience cheers while Saitou turns really angry) ARE YOU SAYING THAT WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME THEY RUN AWAY LIKE I SHOOT LIGHTING FROM MY EYES EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO LIGHTNING COMING OUT AT ALL, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?!!!? (audience cheers and laughs)
Misao: No, I was just saying blue's a good color for you.
Saitou: (calm) ...Oh. (audience cheers) I'll take those then.
Misao: That'll be 20 yen.
Saitou: Here you go (pretends to hand over the money). Man, I'm glad I ran into you. Every time I get new lens in the past they took forever.
Misao: (offended) What are you saying?(audience laughs) That I'm some kind of overachiever?? Are you saying that I don't have a life? That I spend every waking moment to make sure you get just what you need, (audience laughs and Misao gets really angry) THAT I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY LIFE THAN BE A SLAVE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY????!!?!?! (Audience laughs and cheers)
Saitou: ... Actually, that's what I WAS trying to say. (audience laughs)
Scythe hits the buzzer to end the game, the wolf and weasel girl return to their seats.
Scythe: All the points go to Misao for that one.
Saitou: Whatever.
Scythe: We'll be right back with more Whose Line is it Anyway? Don't go anywhere....
Act 2: Audience applauds.
Scythe: welcome back to Whose Line is it, Anyway? The only game show that isn't a game at all. Our next one's for Aoshi, Battousai, and Saitou. This one's called 'show-stopping number. (audience cheers) What happens is that Saitou and the Battousai are going to start the scene, followed by Aoshi. And when I buzz them, they have to use the last thing they said and do a big show-stopping musical number. What I need from the audience now is the name of an ancient occupation.
VAM: Blacksmithing! Playwright!
Scythe: Blacksmithing was the first thing I've heard. So let's get started.
Battousai acts like he's pound something on an anvil with a hammer.
Saitou: What're you doing? It's break time.
Battousai: I was just working on this sword right now.
Saitou: Don't you think the boss'll get angry about you making things without his consent?
Battousai:... Do I look worried? That Aoshi can kiss my butt for all I care
Scythe hits the buzzer cueing the show-stopping number music.
Battousai: (Starts dancing around the stage singing) Hey, look at me, I'm making a brand new tool. And I don't care, that Aoshi's a fool. And you might think, you think I might be crass, but soon I'm gonna take this brand new sword and stick it up his (bleep)!
The music stops while the audience cheers and laughs.
Saitou: ... Are you sure you know what you're doing? Mr. Aoshi can be really tough when he's angry.
Battousai: Hmm. Hey, I've got an idea!
Saitou: What?
Battousai: Why don't you get him drunk?
Satiou: You want me to get the boss stewed?!?! (audience laughs)
Battousai: (grins evilly) Exactly!
Saitou: Well,.... Maybe just a little drunk. (buzzer sounds and the music ques on again, prompting Saitou to dance and sing) Hey, mister. We're breakin' the rules! Once we get the boss stuck on the booze! First he's gotta drink a lot, then I'm gonna smoke a lot: I'm gonna get the boss druuuuuuunk!(audience cheers wildly)
Battousai: So you'll do it?
Saitou: Yep.
Aoshi comes in.
Aoshi: What's going on here?
Saitou: This guy's forging a sword behind your back!
Battousai: What!?!?
Satiou: And he said he's gonna kick your butt!
Aoshi: I'm glad you told me, Saitou. You're promoted. And as for you Battousai, you're fired! (buzzer sounds)
Battousai: (To Saitou) Traitor!
Aoshi: (music starts and you know the rest by now) Yes, you're so fired! Early retired, you were a slacker now you're just a bum. You don't mess with me, that's the golden rule. Or I take out my kodachi and slice you up for my barbeque! (finishes with a "ta-da!" pose)
The audience cheers as the three return to their seats.
Scythe: Wow. A million points to everyone. That was great. I never thought you guys could do that kind of thing so well.
Saitou: Well, one does get bored after the Bakumatsu.
Battousai: Yeah. One can only kill so many people without wanting a break.
Scythe: You know something guy's you just gave me a new idea for a fan fic for the future: "Ruroni Kenshin: The musical!" (audience cheers) ...In the mean time though, let's move on to the next game which is(produces a bowler hat filled with sticky notes).. Scenes from a hat. (audience cheers) This game's for everyone, they have to make up stuff based on suggestions from these little notes as I read them out to them.
Saitou and Battousai are on one side of the stage while Aoshi and Misao are on the other.
Scythe: And the first scene is...(opens a note) "inventions that never made it big."
Misao: (comes on the stage) This new voting system will ensure 100% accuracy for the 2000 election.(leaves)
Audience laughs
Saitou: (comes out pretends to hold something) this penus enlargener was used in the movie, "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery". (leaves)
Audience laughs and cheers
Scythe: (opens a new note) "The- (laughs) the-first draft of famous Shakespearean phrases"
Battousai: (comes out and sniffs around) "There's something rotten in the underwear of Hajime Saitou! (leaves)
Scythe and the audience laugh wildly, while Saitou looks pissed.
Saitou: (comes out) All hail Battousai, who shalt be dead hereafter! (leaves)
Audience cheers.
Aoshi: (steps in)To thine own self be true unless you're Sanouske Sagara. (leaves, audience laughs)
Misao: (steps in and acts like she got hit with a cream pie) The pastry cold cream'd? (charges at Battousai with fake pie) Then cold cream to thy work! (audience cheers)
Scythe: Ha ha. (opens a new note) Oh, this oughta be good: "Impossible questions for a wise man to answer."
Battousai: (comes out) If I'm the most dangerous manslayer of the revolution, how come I get beat up by a homicidal raccoon girl 10 years later? (everyone laughs and cheers as Battousai leaves)
Saitou: How come no one looks like me on "The Bachelor?" (makes an angry look and leaves, the audience laughs)
Aoshi: (steps in) If there's so much violence in this world, why can't we see Anime in its unedited form? (audience cheers)
Battousai: How come the host gets to do nothing for the whole show? (Scythe irritatedly buzzes Battousai out many times)
Scythe: If you remember, it was IMPOSSIBLE questions. One more card... (Opens a new one and grins) I think we're all gonnna enjoy this: "What Battousai the Manslayer is doing when he isn't killing people."
Misao: (comes out) Welcome to Whose Line is it anyway, where the points don't matter. (Leaves)
Audience cheers.
Saitou: Oro... (Drops to the floor complete with the swirly-eyed look. Audience howls with laughter while Battousai turns an angry red)
Battousai: Yes, well once I buy enough stock, I'll take over the Cartoon Network and bring uncensored anime to the children. (audience cheers) They've been doing a terrible job handling some real gems over the years. (Battousai leaves and gives Aoshi a high five)
Audience applauds. Scythe hits the buzzer ending the game. Everyone goes to their seats.
Scythe: That was pretty cool. 2 thousand points to Aoshi and Misao, 35,000 to Saitou, and 500,000 to Battousai for giving hope to anime enthusiasts everywhere.
Battousai: I'm serious: I am going to take over CN soon.
Scythe: I look forward to that. Stick around everyone, we're gonna find you who the winner is when we come back. Don't go anywhere!
Act 3:
Scythe, Battousai, Misao, and Aoshi are on the stage.
Scythe: Welcome back to Whose Line, tonight's winner is (points at the desk) Hajime Saitou!
Saitou: You're certainly a wise host.
Scythe: Saitou doesn't have to kill anyone, while the rest of us get to do a game called "The Irish Drinking song!"
The audience cheers wildly.
Scythe: ..and what we need is from the middle section of the audience, is a favorite holiday.
VAM: April Fools! Thanksgiving! Halloween!
Scythe: Let's do a Halloween one, so whenever the music starts, let's begin the Halloween Irish Drinking Song:
Music starts playing
Everyone on stage: oh,... ( starts swinging their hands in tune) ay Dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Scythe: I feel so good today
Battousai: Today is Halloween!
Misao: I get to eat lots of candy..
Aoshi: and scare away your average teen.
Scythe: I'll put on a real good costume
Battousai: I'll put out the cat
Misao: and if they choose to give me a rock,.
Aoshi: I'll hit 'em with a baseball bat!
Audience laughs
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Scythe: Maybe I'll go to a party
Battousai: and there, I'll spike the punch
Misao: and then I'll steal all the dessert
Aoshi: They'll lose bananas by the bunch
Scythe: I think I'll bob for apples
Battousai: and send the rest a'paniking
Misao: Because this year, I will be dressed
Aoshi: As a mummified Carol Channing!
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di!
Audience starts clapping in tune with the music
Scythe: I'll watch a scary movie
Battousai: Invite all of my friends.
Misao: And when they all sleep over,
Aoshi: I'll scare their hairs to their end
Scythe; Because I'm really nasty.
Battousai: as nasty as can be!
Misao: I'll put ketchup on their bodies
Aoshi: And go on a killing spree!
Everyone: Oh ay dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di dee di,
Oh ay dee di dee di dee id dee di...dee...di...dee...di!!
The music stops and the audience applauds
Misao: Y'all better stick around for more 'Whose Line" (puts on her really angry face) or I really WILL crush you all like grapes!!!
Aoshi: You watch way too much "Dave the Barbarian", Misao.
Misao: (happy face) I know!
Epilogue:
Saitou and Misao are on the stage.
Scythe: Welcome back to the show. Tonight Saitou and Misao are going to read the credits-
Just then thunderclouds appear on the stage.
TC: (Evil booming voice) Quake in fear mortals, for now your show will be ruled by...
Something steps out as the clouds dissolve. A little psychotic looking pig wearing a cape.
Pig : (normal voice) The dark lord Chuckles the silly piggy! (laughs manically)
Scythe: What are you doing here, Chuckles?
Chuckles: I demand that you relinquish control of this fic to me...OR I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!! (takes out his mystical amulet of Hogswinebor and points it menacingly at the audience.)
Scythe: Whoa! Chuckles, take it easy! You know it's funny you came by.
Chuckles: Why?
Scythe: The writer of this fic is considering having non-anime guests appear on the show on occasion, and we're hoping you'd lend a hand.
Chuckles: What? You mean you want me, a dark lord bent on bringing suffering and despair to the world doing parlor tricks on a silly show??.... Good idea!
Scythe: Great! Now that the issue's been settled, Misao and Saitou will read the credits. And they're going to do it like they're trying to carve Chuckles up for dinner. Take it away.
Chuckles starts running with Saitou and Misao in Pursuit
Saitou: Here, Dan Patterson!
Misao: Come on, Mark Levison, it won't hurt a bit!
Chuckles: No! You people are insane as Chip Estan!
Saitou: But we can't have Drew Carey and Wayne Brady without Cecil Worrall, it's unheard of!
Chuckles: Help me! I don't wanna die!
Battousai: That pig is a dark lord?
Aoshi: This world is going to the dogs if they're letting barnyard animals being the villains.
You heard right folks, I'm making a new policy in regards to this fic. Every once in a while, I'll have non-anime or video game guests on the show. But you're still free to petition for anyone you want to see from a favorite anime or video game you want to be on the show and I'll try to accommodate you.
Review section: I've decided to take some time to thank the viewers who actually took the time to leave a review...
Lanny: I'm sorry, but I haven't seen Naruto so I'm afraid I can't put Kakashi on. But if you e-mail me an overall personality and description for him, I'll try to put him in a future chapter. But thanks for your review in the mean time.
Tenshi Koori: Ditto for Kyo. I'm terribly sorry, but if send me the info on him, I'll give it a go.
Twilight Dusk: You're pretty much the only one who actually made suggestions. Many, many thanks to you!
Key16: Words aren't enough to describe your support throughout this venture. And having you as a guest was one of the best honors I've received as a fanfic writer. I'll start working on #10 once I'm finished with it. I'm always looking forward to your fan fiction.
Remember folks, sometimes I can't think up a roster or certain gags off the top of my head. So I really appreciate you sending me suggestions for rosters and games along with your reviews.
Coming soon: #5