You know the drill: Aside from Nick, Scythe, and Juno, I don't own anyone
or this show for that matter. We really should come up with something here
so that we don't have to put up this redundant formality every 5 seconds. I
know very well why it's necessary, but it's getting on my nerves a little...
Oh yeah, before I forget, I was a little rushed while I was doing this so there were a couple of mistakes I overlooked so I apologize in advance.
RK Whose Line #5: Yahiko, Sano, Tenchi, and Schala Zeal
Prologue:
Back in the office, Juno reviews the list.
Juno: Hmm. So far, so good.
Someone knocks at the door.
Juno: Come in.
Ravenf6: (enters the office) Has there been any word from Key16 yet?
Juno: He said that things are very hectic right now; I got a letter from Sora saying that he nearly got himself sent to the hospital
Ravenf6: Is he hurt?
Juno: No. He almost cracked up when Yugi and Kaiba did a really funny bit.
Ravenf6: Yikes! .... So have our next guests arrived yet?
Another knock at the door.
Ravenf6: (turns around) come on in.
Sano and Yahiko enter
Yahiko: Hey, guys
Ravenf6: Glad you two can make it.
Sano: It beats a tongue lashing from You-Know-Who.
Ravenf6:... Voldemort?
Sano and Yahiko stare at Ravenf6 with confused expressions
Sano: Volde-who?
Ravenf6: (sweat drops) ... I was thinking of someone else. Busu Lady, right?
Yahiko: None other!
Juno: .... Oh dear.
Yahiko: What is it?
Juno: I just got a vision. ... I see terrible things on the horizon... revenge!
Ravenf6: Revenge, you say?
Before Juno could answer the door suddenly explodes, when the dust settles, two people look in. A teen with short black hair, and a blue-haired girl dressed like royalty.
Tenchi: You could have just knocked, Schala.
Schala: (blushes) Goodness. I guess even I don't know how much power my pendant has..
Yahiko: Just what the heck do you two think you're doing? WE could have been killed!!!
Schala: Please forgive me, but I think that you could stand to learn some matters, little boy.
Yahiko: (Gets really mad and takes out his shinai) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?!? (Charges at Schala, but Sano holds him back)
Sano: You need to mellow out squirt. That's no way to talk to a lady.
Yahiko: You're one to talk!
Tenchi: (sweat drops) I'm really sorry about this.
Ravenf6: There's no need, this happens on a daily basis. Since the audience is impatient for more, let's get this party started.
Everyone leaves the room. But someone else comes in soon after, a stranger in a hooded cloak in a wheelchair. He rolls his way to the desk and examines the list.
???????: Just you wait, Ravenf6, you will pay for my humiliation... you too, Key16...(leaves laughing evilly)
A few seconds later, Nick comes in
Nick: Hmm.. (Walks over to the desk) ...This list has been handled by something foreign...(sniffs the air) I smell something... demon blood...! I don't like this, but I'd best not get everyone worried...yet
Tonight's program is a doubleheader: From the SNES game Chrono Trigger, we have the Dark Age princess Schala Zeal. And from the anime series Tenchi Muyo! we have the hapless Juraian prince, Tenchi Masaki!
Act 1: (the audience applauds)
Nick: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's show....
He beats up people for a living, Sanouske Sagara! (Sano smiles at the camera)
He insults his elders for a living, Yahiko Myojin! (makes a "peace" sign)
She carries around a mysterious pendant, Schala Zeal! (bows at the camera)
And... he lives with a bunch of girls, Tenchi Masaki! (Looks around like he's being watched)
I'm your host, Nicodemus Blackwyvern. Let's go have some fun! (Walks down to the desk
Nick: Welcome again to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where the games are made up and the points don't matter, just like the last time Mimi looked in the mirror. (everyone laughs) We've got a lot of show, so let's start with a game called "let's make a date. This is for everyone.
Everyone goes to the side, picks up a stool and sits done.
Nick: In this game, Schala is the contestant of a Dating Game-type show. But the problem is that her choices are only these three losers. (everyone laughs) The catch is that they're not your normal guests, they've each been given a strange identity on these cards that Schala has to try to figure out who they are.
Tenchi looks at his and face faults, Yahiko raises an eyebrow at his, and Sano covers his face at his.
Nick: So when you're ready, Schala, start the show.
Schala: Bachelor # 1, what is it you like to do on a nice summer's day?
Tenchi: (monitor text reads "Scooby-Doo", audience laughs) Rrrhat I rike to do? Rri rike to eat. Rhat, and stay away from ghosts. Hee-hee-hee!
Schala: I think you have a speech impediment, and I like that! (audience laughs) Bachelor # 2.
Yahiko: Hello. (Monitor text reads "Garlic Jr.")
Schala: Bachelor #2, If you could be any animal what would you be?
Yahiko: What kind of animal? I'd be a giant dinosaur, that's what! I'd go over there and squish you beneath my feet! (cackles insanely) Then I'd go and take over the world!
(audience applauds)
Schala: ...Your voice is freaking me out... Bachelor #3?
Sano: (monitor text reads "Inspector Clouseau who thinks someone in the cast stole the Pink Panther Diamond) Yes??
Schala: If you took me on a romantic date, where would you take me?
Sano: Where wourld I take you?.... I'd take you to zis nice little café in Lugash and eat in a private roorm.
Schala: (sweat drops) Do you just say 'roorm'?
Sano: I've no time for that (gets off his stool)... ze thief is here in zis building!
Schala: ... I'll get back to you. Bachelor #1
Tenchi: Reah??
Schala: If you could be in a sporting event, which one would it be?
Tenchi: RrI'd be at the rall-you-can-reat rbuffet. (audience laughs) Ri'd eat reverything in sight. (looks around) Rripes! A ghost! (runs off the stage).
Schala: This keeps getting weirder and weirder. Bachelor #2?
Yahiko: Silence! Don't speak when unless I tell you, in this case, I didn't!
Schala: Bachelor #2, if you could say one thing that describes you, what would it be?
Yahiko: I'd say I want out of this place and be as tall as a tree! I'm so tired of people looking down on me! I'll tear their heads off and use them as an ashtray! Nah, maybe I'll just mount them on my wall. (Audience laughs)
Schala: Remind me not to take you to a taxidermist. Bachelor #3,-
Sano: Be quiet! I'm this close to solving the case! .... Aha! I should have knowrn you'd be the one responsible for this! (Goes to Nick's desk) I'm putting you under arrest in ze name of ze lawr, you filthy minky!
Nick: "Minkey!??" (Audience laughs)
Sano: What?
Nick: You said "minkey".
Sano: Of course, as in chimpanzee minkey.
Nick: (Hits the buzzer multiple times) So Schala, care to guess who they are?
Schala: Bachelor number one was some kind of cowardly dog.
Nick: Anyone in particular?
Schala: Oh, he's Scooby-Doo.
Nick: Yes!
Tenchi puts his stool away and goes back to his seat.
Schala: Bachelor number two was... I'm guessing Napoleon or something?
Nick: Yeah, but you only see this little tyrant in Dragon ball Z.
Schala: Garlic Jr.?
Nick: Yes he is! Are you ready for bachelor number 3?
Schala: Hmm. I'm guessing that Sano was some kind of crazy detective with a horrible accent.
Nick: ... Yeah, it does ring a bell...
Schala: Perhaps he's –oh no! Please don't tell me he's that bungler, Inspector Clouseau??
Nick: Yes he is, and it also says he's looking for whoever stole the Pink Panther diamond.
Schala: So that's what that thing was??
Nick: Yeah. A thousand points to Yahiko, Tenchi, and Schala. Minus 1 million points to Sano; You'll pay!! (Smites Sano with a thunderbolt. The audience laughs and cheers as Sano is sitting in his chair, charbroiled and smoking.) I got good smiting credentials from Zeus and Ramuh (Audience laughs). Let's move on a game called 'hats'. This is for everyone, now everybody is given a box of hats that they have to use for the world's worst dating service video.
Sano and Yahiko get one box while Tenchi and Schala get another.
Nick: So whenever you guys are ready, take it away.
Yahiko: (Ninja's hood) I love to work in the dark. (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (pirate's eye patch) Arr, I'll show why I be the very model of a modern major rear admiral. (audience laughs)
Sano: (baseball cap) Want a real home run slugger? (Audience laughs while Nick starts to crack up)
Tenchi: (Goat's mask)... I've been a (bleats) baaaaaaaaaad little boy...(audience laughs)
Sano: (military cap) I'm gonna drill you to next week, maggot! (Audience laughs
Schala: (Nurse's hat) It's time for your six o'clock bedpan change. (audience chuckles)
Yahiko: (in Sea captain's hat) MEN!! (turns left face) ....OF THE SEA!!! (Turns right face) WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT! (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (barber's scissors) I'm going to give you more than just a little off the top. (Audience laughs while Nick cracks up again.)
Sano: (Judge's wig) No, I hold YOU in contempt! (audience laughs)
Schala: (wearing a crown) ...OFF WITH YOUR PANTS!!!!! (Audience roars with laughter, Nick falls out of the chair, laughing like crazy) ... Oh my god, I think I killed him....
Nick: (climbs into the chair) HA HA HA HA! Oh my god! I can't believe you said that!
Yahiko: ... you okay?
Sano: I always said he was a mad man.
Nick turns angry and smites Sano again.
Nick: (To Sano, angrily) Next time you say that, they'll have to call you roast chicken head! (audience oohs as Nick hits the buzzer)... That was amazing. 37 points to everyone, and a 400-point bonus to Schala.
Schala: (bows slightly)Thank you.
Nick: Don't mention it. We'll be right back with more "Whose 'Smite' is it, Anyway? Don't go anywhere! (Audience applauds)
Act 2:
Audience applauds.
Nick: Welcome back to Whose Line is it, Anyway?" the only game show where if I get mad, I get to smiting (audience laughs). Our next game is for Tenchi, Yahiko, and Sano. (to the audience) What I need from the far right section of the audience is the name of a woman...
Various Audience Members: Judy! Margaret! Maria! Latrine! (audience starts laughing)
Nick: Latrine it is. Now give me an occupation..
VAM: Bathroom janitor! (audience starts laughing louder)
Nick: One guy in the audience who hits it on the nail! The name of this game is called "Funeral" (audience cheers) . What's gonna happen here is that Sano is going to be the priest, while Tenchi and Yahiko are the chief mourners for Latrine, who died in a freak bathroom cleaning accident. (everyone laughs) And at the end, they have to sing a song about her, all in one voice.
Sano stands at one end of the stage; Yahiko and Tenchi are at the other, bowing their heads in reverence.
Sano: Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here to bid farewell to Latrine.
Yahiko: (sobs softly like Ryan Stiles)
Sano: She had a good life until one day when she tried to mop the floor with her tongue (audience laughs)
Yahiko: (sobs again)
Sano: Now before we say goodbye, I believe that we should share what we know about her. (To Tenchi) Now Roger, you gave Latrine her first job, didn't you?
Tenchi: Yes. She was young, but she was determined. Why I remember the day she used her hands instead of a scour to get rid of that mildew buildup in the sink. (Audience laughs and groans). Even though that put her on Workman's Comp, she still came in and did her job.
Sano: Ahh. (To Yahiko) John, you were Latrine's little brother. What would you like to share about your sister?
Yahiko: I remember we used to fight over who gets to clean the bowl. Our ancestors were all famous bathroom cleaners, and I wanted to follow in her footsteps. I even made my own toilet scrubber out of tree bark and grandma's fake hair (audience groans.)
Sano: You're joking?
Yahiko: No, her wig was made out of iron. (Audience laughs)... Poor Latrine, I was going to give it to her when she got promoted to the Executive Washroom (sobs).
Tenchi: It's okay, John. According to your sister's wishes, she wanted us to sing her a eulogy before burying her.
Tenchi, Sano, and Yahiko get to center stage while Laura Hall starts playing the funeral song theme.
Tenchi, Sano, Yahiko (together, singing): Oooooh, Latrine,
I miss you everyday.....
Ooooooh. Latrine...
You scrub my shame awaaaaaaaay. (Audience laughs)
No one can clean a bathroom,
Quite as well as you....
Your urinal cakes were homemade,
And you made your tools by hand....
I miss the days you swept and..
Mopped for days on end...
In poker, you were always winning,
You always made a royal flush!!!!
Nick hits the buzzer. The audience cheers as Tenchi, Yahiko, and Sano returned to their seats.
Nick: That was pretty good; too bad the censors won't allow too much bathroom humor. They consider it a piece of (bleep!) (Everyone laughs). 100 death coins to everyone.
Sano: 'Death coins??'
Nick: Yep. You can buy off Death with these coins. Let's move on to a new game called "Foreign Film Dub. This is for everyone. (The aforementioned come down on stage). Yahiko and Schala are going to perform a scene out of a movie in a foreign language, and Tenchi and Sano will translate whatever they say. (Turns to audience) Now what I need is a language to fake...
VAM: Spanish! Korean! Scandinavian!
Nick: Scandinavian sounds good. And what would call this movie if you were a Scandinavian action film director?
VAM: Skoal!
Nick: Cool. So let's take it away...
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Sano: "Do you where all the beer went?
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian and shrugs)
Tenchi: "Why are you asking me? I'm the head of the prohibition movement!"
Audience laughs
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian and looks over his shoulder)
Sano: "You! You're the one I was sent to kill!!!"
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian and holds an imaginary weapon)
Tenchi: "Go ahead and try it: I'll kick your ass, little boy!"
Audience laughs while Yahiko gets mad
Yahiko: (angrily speaks phony Scandinavian for a long time)
Sano: Hey, you want to put that thing away and grab a brewsky?
Audience laughs
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Tenchi: "Sure, why not?"
Yahiko walks up to Schala
Yahiko:(speaks phony Scandinavian)
Sano: "You are one hot-lookin' chick!"
Audience laughs
Schala: (blushes and (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Tenchi: "Are you just trying to get some? I'm already married."
Audience roars with laughter
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian for a really long time)
Sano: Dammit!
Audience laughs even harder.
Nick hits the buzzer.
Nick: A thousand points to everyone, and a golden tankard to Sano for his colorful translation.
Sano: Wow!
Nick: By the way, you should keep an eye out for Sano's new TV project: it's a cross between "The Curse of the Pink Panther:", "History of the World Part 1", "The Fox and the Hound" and "My date with an axe-murder" It's called "My historical date with the cursed Fox Murderer." (Audience laughs as Sano gets cross.)
Sano: Hey, I'll have you know that Megumi's a saint compared to Karou.
Nick: Not based on what she'll do to you if you don't stop drinking (audience laughs louder). Next game up is an all-time favorite on the show. It's called "Newsflash." This is for Schala, Yahiko, and Tenchi. What happens is that Tenchi's going to cover a big news story in front of something called a "green screen". He can't see what's behind him, so he has to figure out what's going on based on hints from Schala and Yahiko. We in the audience and whoever is reading this fic can see what's behind Tenchi thankfully, so let's take it away!
Schala and Yahiko sit on two stools while Tenchi stands in front of the green screen.
Schala: So is teacher of yours that nasty?
Yahiko: Yep, and ugly as they come. (Audience laughs)
Schala: Oh! We interrupt this regularly scheduled infomercial to bring you this breaking news story. We turn things over to our wet-eared news reporter, Tenchi for a look.
Green screen shows scenes from B-rated horror movies.
Yahiko: Tenchi, what's going on over there?
Tenchi: Pardon?
Yahiko: What matter of craziness is this?
Tenchi: I have no idea, but I think it all started with a rumor that President Bush passed a law that grants him an automatic second term in office! (Audience laughs)
Schala: It's definitely something you would see under a full moon, isn't it?
Tenchi: ... Maybe.
Yahiko: Tenchi, it seems that these guys have an ax to grind with someone, don't they?
Screen shows Evil Dead 2 scene in which the beheaded zombie runs into the tool shed with a chain saw.
Tenchi: I don't know.
GS (Green screen) "Scream" scene in which the hot chick gets brutally crushed by garage door. (Audience screams)
Schala: (screams)
Tenchi: AAH!
Schala: Hey Tenchi, have you seen any suspicious characters around here?
Tenchi: What?
Schala: What do you think the chances are of unmasking this mystery?
Tenchi: I've been working with the police, but they're dead tired (audience laughs)
Yahiko: Do you think they'll be any survivors when this is over?
Tenchi: ... I'm not so sure, but I've dealt with things more terrifying.
Schala: Like what?
Tenchi: Aeka and Ryoko on a bad hair day. (Audience laughs)
Yahiko: Tenchi, I've noticed a kind of red liquid running everywhere, what do you make of it?
Tenchi pretends to look down, stick his finger in and puts it in his mouth (audience cheers and laughs) I think its taco sauce (more laughter)
Schala: These things seem to be disorganized. I've never seen anyone shambling so much before.
Tenchi:... Well, Schala, I wish I had a sawed-off shot gun and a chain saw, (looks behind him) I think they look hungry.
Nick: (hits the buzzer) Something tells me you've seen enough, Tenchi. What's behind you?
Tenchi: Bloody horror movies from the 80's?
Nick: Yes it is. (Yahiko puts the stools away, and rejoins the others at their seats) ... So Tenchi, are Aeka and Ryoko THAT nasty on a bad hair day?
Tenchi: You don't know the half of it.
Nick: Then give them both 100 sympathy points when this is over. We'll be right back to find out who the winner is on "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Don't go anywhere!
Act 3:
Audience applauds. Sano's sitting at the desk while everyone else is on the stage.
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it, Anyway?" Tonight's winner is Tenchi Masaki!
Tenchi: Don't I get to sit at the desk?
Nick: Afraid not. (To Sano) Comfy?
Sano: I can get used to this.
Nick: Don't you dare mess up my desk.
Sano: (sarcastically) Ooh, I'm so not afraid
Nick: (as Yoda) You will be... you WILL be...
Tenchi: ... You're starting to scare me now.
Nick: Tenchi's going to be doing a game called "Dubbing" along with Schala and me. As a special treat, we're also getting a little bit of help from a pair of special guests.
Schala: My, how generous.
Nick: First of all Tenchi, I must apologize in advance.
Tenchi: For what?
Nick: Chances are we'll find out since our guests should be familiar to you. These two, whenever they aren't doing hobbies or something, always ending up fighting over Tenchi.
Tenchi: Oh no!
Nick: Please welcome the Juraian maiden Aeka, and the space pirate, Ryoko, ladies and gentlemen!
Audience applauds as Aeka and Ryoko come out on the stage.
Nick: I'm glad the two of you could make it.
Aeka: It's very nice to be here, Nick.
Ryoko: Mihoshi and Kiyone are out job hunting again, so we figured "what the hey?"
Tenchi: So who's watching the house?
Ryoko: Sasami's helping Washu with a new experiment so I don't think we need to worry about it.
Sano: (Leans over the desk) Hey, can you two give me your numbers when this show is over?
Aeka: (slightly embarrassed) Oh my, is that a man or a rooster?
Everyone but Sano laughs.
Ryoko: I'd say a rooster, and a cute one at that. Why not you and I grab some food afterwards?
Audience howls
Nick: (sweat drops) .... Okay...I wish we could talk about that more, but we have a show to do. So the deal is that you two ladies are going to be in a game called dubbing, what happens is that Aeka and Ryoko are going to act out a scene with Tenchi, but the problem is that Tenchi can't speak. So I'm going to provide the lines for Tenchi. The scene is, a normal day at the Masaki residence that starts to go down the hill when Tenchi brings a friend, Schala, over to meet everyone. (Audience laughs)
Nick heads towards the desk with a microphone, while Aeka and Ryoko start the scene.
Aeka: So, did Washu build that new cappuccino machine, yet?
Ryoko: She's been working on that thing since we freed her from her hibernation. It's on her giant "To-do" list!" (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (lip-synchs with Nick's voice) "Hey, guys!"
Aeka: Oh, hello Tenchi!
Ryoko: You look happy, something you'd like to share?
Nick voice over: "Yes I would, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine from school. I'd like you to meet Schala."
Schala comes in.
Schala: Um, hello. Tenchi's told me a lot about you two.
Ryoko: (raises an eyebrow skeptically) Really?
NV: "Oh, don't worry, I haven't told her you're a nasty space pirate."
Audience laughs while Aeka starts giggling and Ryoko has a vein popping on her forehead.
Schala: "Space Pirate?" Tenchi, I had no idea you had such rough company!
Aeka: I can believe that. No refinement whatsoever.
NV: "I'm sorry, but right now, my memory's kinda fuzzy.. Who are you again?" (Audience laughs)
Ryoko: I can't believe you forgot about us this quickly?
Aeka: (pulls Ryoko away from Tenchi and Schala) Ryoko, don't you think there's something strange about that girl?
Ryoko: She's a lot nicer than you, that's for sure.
NV: "What are you two up to over there? (To Schala) I'm really sorry about this.
Schala: Sorry about what? This is exciting compared to life at the palace.
Aeka: (Sternly) Tenchi, you've got some explaining to do.
Ryoko: Are you trying to two-time us? (Audience laughs)
NV: "Uh, no! I'd be a fool to try and do something like that. Why the only thing worse than that is a little boy calling his teacher ugly for no good reason!"
Yahiko: (angrily) HEY!!!!
Nick and Sano high five each other. Audience laughs.
Aeka: Poor Yahiko.
NV: "'Yahiko?' Is there something YOU'RE not telling me?"
Ryoko: (sinister glint in her eyes) Yeah, are you hiding a man around here?
Aeka: What!?! Ryoko, how can you betray me like this??
Ryoko: Don't get your ponytails in a knot, I'm just curious.
Aeka: (angrily) Don't think you'll be smiling once I show Tenchi what you wrote about him in your diary! (Audience laughs)
Ryoko: (Shocked) You dirty-
NV: "Come on you two, there's no need to fight over me..."
Schala: Does this happen everyday, Tenchi?
NV: "I'm afraid it does."
Sano hits the buzzer.
Sano: Personally, I'd like to see what happens next in private, but doing so would cause problems for a PG rated fic.
Nick: Let's hear it for Ryoko and Aeka, everyone! (Audience applauds) We'll be right back with more "Whose Line". Don't go away!
Credits:
Audience applauds.
Sano, Tenchi, Yahiko, Aeka, and Ryoko are on the stage.
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line". Tonight, we're going to do the credits with everyone, and a little help from Ryoko and Aeka.
Aeka: (bows) It was a pleasure to be here, Master Nick.
Ryoko: You think you could have us as guests in the future?
Nick: I'll have to talk the author about that. Tonight, you're all going to read the credits while you're all trying to Smite Sano with these handy- dandy thunderbolts, courtesy of Zeus.
Sano: (angrily) I'm gonna get you one of these days (cracks his knuckles)
Nick: If you keep that up, I'll be tempted to pull a Zanetsuken on you. Until then (smirks), you better start running!
Yahiko: Hunting season's open on all Mark Levisons! (Throws a bolt, Sano dodges)
Sano: Drew Carey, you are all out of your minds!
Tenchi: Silence!
Sano starts running, but Tenchi hits Sano with his thunderbolt.
Sano: X-X OOWWWWWWW!!!! THAT HURTS, YOU LITTLE-
Aeka: You've no room to complain, Chip Estan! Go back to the Greg Proops that spawned you!
Ryoko: Here's a number you won't forget: It's Colin Mochrie! (Smites Sano with her thunderbolt)
Sano: What did I do to deserve such Ryan Stiles? He's a bigger target than me!
Schala: What a wonderful way to do away with such a sinful Wayne Brady!
This one had me running on empty for a bit, but doing some quick research for Tenchi and Co. quickly remedied that. In the next installation, get ready for future craziness as maverick hunters X and Zero stop by. And what the heck's with this guy in robes sneaking around? The show must go on, even if someone is plotting revenge.
Review section:
Skylark360-Gomen nessai!! I was in such haste in writing this chapter; I accidentally overlooked part of your suggestion to put in Kenshin and Kaoru.... In any case, Kenshin and Kaoru had had their time on the show for a while, so I figured I'd put in Sano and Yahiko instead. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter, especially the last game. I could not resist the temptation of having Aeka and Ryoko on the show and driving Tenchi crazy. I do hope however, you look forward to Kenshin and Kaoru having some fun with Zero and X.
As always, reviews and suggestions for future chapters are welcome. Hope to see you in the review pages!
Oh yeah, before I forget, I was a little rushed while I was doing this so there were a couple of mistakes I overlooked so I apologize in advance.
RK Whose Line #5: Yahiko, Sano, Tenchi, and Schala Zeal
Prologue:
Back in the office, Juno reviews the list.
Juno: Hmm. So far, so good.
Someone knocks at the door.
Juno: Come in.
Ravenf6: (enters the office) Has there been any word from Key16 yet?
Juno: He said that things are very hectic right now; I got a letter from Sora saying that he nearly got himself sent to the hospital
Ravenf6: Is he hurt?
Juno: No. He almost cracked up when Yugi and Kaiba did a really funny bit.
Ravenf6: Yikes! .... So have our next guests arrived yet?
Another knock at the door.
Ravenf6: (turns around) come on in.
Sano and Yahiko enter
Yahiko: Hey, guys
Ravenf6: Glad you two can make it.
Sano: It beats a tongue lashing from You-Know-Who.
Ravenf6:... Voldemort?
Sano and Yahiko stare at Ravenf6 with confused expressions
Sano: Volde-who?
Ravenf6: (sweat drops) ... I was thinking of someone else. Busu Lady, right?
Yahiko: None other!
Juno: .... Oh dear.
Yahiko: What is it?
Juno: I just got a vision. ... I see terrible things on the horizon... revenge!
Ravenf6: Revenge, you say?
Before Juno could answer the door suddenly explodes, when the dust settles, two people look in. A teen with short black hair, and a blue-haired girl dressed like royalty.
Tenchi: You could have just knocked, Schala.
Schala: (blushes) Goodness. I guess even I don't know how much power my pendant has..
Yahiko: Just what the heck do you two think you're doing? WE could have been killed!!!
Schala: Please forgive me, but I think that you could stand to learn some matters, little boy.
Yahiko: (Gets really mad and takes out his shinai) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?!? (Charges at Schala, but Sano holds him back)
Sano: You need to mellow out squirt. That's no way to talk to a lady.
Yahiko: You're one to talk!
Tenchi: (sweat drops) I'm really sorry about this.
Ravenf6: There's no need, this happens on a daily basis. Since the audience is impatient for more, let's get this party started.
Everyone leaves the room. But someone else comes in soon after, a stranger in a hooded cloak in a wheelchair. He rolls his way to the desk and examines the list.
???????: Just you wait, Ravenf6, you will pay for my humiliation... you too, Key16...(leaves laughing evilly)
A few seconds later, Nick comes in
Nick: Hmm.. (Walks over to the desk) ...This list has been handled by something foreign...(sniffs the air) I smell something... demon blood...! I don't like this, but I'd best not get everyone worried...yet
Tonight's program is a doubleheader: From the SNES game Chrono Trigger, we have the Dark Age princess Schala Zeal. And from the anime series Tenchi Muyo! we have the hapless Juraian prince, Tenchi Masaki!
Act 1: (the audience applauds)
Nick: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's show....
He beats up people for a living, Sanouske Sagara! (Sano smiles at the camera)
He insults his elders for a living, Yahiko Myojin! (makes a "peace" sign)
She carries around a mysterious pendant, Schala Zeal! (bows at the camera)
And... he lives with a bunch of girls, Tenchi Masaki! (Looks around like he's being watched)
I'm your host, Nicodemus Blackwyvern. Let's go have some fun! (Walks down to the desk
Nick: Welcome again to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where the games are made up and the points don't matter, just like the last time Mimi looked in the mirror. (everyone laughs) We've got a lot of show, so let's start with a game called "let's make a date. This is for everyone.
Everyone goes to the side, picks up a stool and sits done.
Nick: In this game, Schala is the contestant of a Dating Game-type show. But the problem is that her choices are only these three losers. (everyone laughs) The catch is that they're not your normal guests, they've each been given a strange identity on these cards that Schala has to try to figure out who they are.
Tenchi looks at his and face faults, Yahiko raises an eyebrow at his, and Sano covers his face at his.
Nick: So when you're ready, Schala, start the show.
Schala: Bachelor # 1, what is it you like to do on a nice summer's day?
Tenchi: (monitor text reads "Scooby-Doo", audience laughs) Rrrhat I rike to do? Rri rike to eat. Rhat, and stay away from ghosts. Hee-hee-hee!
Schala: I think you have a speech impediment, and I like that! (audience laughs) Bachelor # 2.
Yahiko: Hello. (Monitor text reads "Garlic Jr.")
Schala: Bachelor #2, If you could be any animal what would you be?
Yahiko: What kind of animal? I'd be a giant dinosaur, that's what! I'd go over there and squish you beneath my feet! (cackles insanely) Then I'd go and take over the world!
(audience applauds)
Schala: ...Your voice is freaking me out... Bachelor #3?
Sano: (monitor text reads "Inspector Clouseau who thinks someone in the cast stole the Pink Panther Diamond) Yes??
Schala: If you took me on a romantic date, where would you take me?
Sano: Where wourld I take you?.... I'd take you to zis nice little café in Lugash and eat in a private roorm.
Schala: (sweat drops) Do you just say 'roorm'?
Sano: I've no time for that (gets off his stool)... ze thief is here in zis building!
Schala: ... I'll get back to you. Bachelor #1
Tenchi: Reah??
Schala: If you could be in a sporting event, which one would it be?
Tenchi: RrI'd be at the rall-you-can-reat rbuffet. (audience laughs) Ri'd eat reverything in sight. (looks around) Rripes! A ghost! (runs off the stage).
Schala: This keeps getting weirder and weirder. Bachelor #2?
Yahiko: Silence! Don't speak when unless I tell you, in this case, I didn't!
Schala: Bachelor #2, if you could say one thing that describes you, what would it be?
Yahiko: I'd say I want out of this place and be as tall as a tree! I'm so tired of people looking down on me! I'll tear their heads off and use them as an ashtray! Nah, maybe I'll just mount them on my wall. (Audience laughs)
Schala: Remind me not to take you to a taxidermist. Bachelor #3,-
Sano: Be quiet! I'm this close to solving the case! .... Aha! I should have knowrn you'd be the one responsible for this! (Goes to Nick's desk) I'm putting you under arrest in ze name of ze lawr, you filthy minky!
Nick: "Minkey!??" (Audience laughs)
Sano: What?
Nick: You said "minkey".
Sano: Of course, as in chimpanzee minkey.
Nick: (Hits the buzzer multiple times) So Schala, care to guess who they are?
Schala: Bachelor number one was some kind of cowardly dog.
Nick: Anyone in particular?
Schala: Oh, he's Scooby-Doo.
Nick: Yes!
Tenchi puts his stool away and goes back to his seat.
Schala: Bachelor number two was... I'm guessing Napoleon or something?
Nick: Yeah, but you only see this little tyrant in Dragon ball Z.
Schala: Garlic Jr.?
Nick: Yes he is! Are you ready for bachelor number 3?
Schala: Hmm. I'm guessing that Sano was some kind of crazy detective with a horrible accent.
Nick: ... Yeah, it does ring a bell...
Schala: Perhaps he's –oh no! Please don't tell me he's that bungler, Inspector Clouseau??
Nick: Yes he is, and it also says he's looking for whoever stole the Pink Panther diamond.
Schala: So that's what that thing was??
Nick: Yeah. A thousand points to Yahiko, Tenchi, and Schala. Minus 1 million points to Sano; You'll pay!! (Smites Sano with a thunderbolt. The audience laughs and cheers as Sano is sitting in his chair, charbroiled and smoking.) I got good smiting credentials from Zeus and Ramuh (Audience laughs). Let's move on a game called 'hats'. This is for everyone, now everybody is given a box of hats that they have to use for the world's worst dating service video.
Sano and Yahiko get one box while Tenchi and Schala get another.
Nick: So whenever you guys are ready, take it away.
Yahiko: (Ninja's hood) I love to work in the dark. (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (pirate's eye patch) Arr, I'll show why I be the very model of a modern major rear admiral. (audience laughs)
Sano: (baseball cap) Want a real home run slugger? (Audience laughs while Nick starts to crack up)
Tenchi: (Goat's mask)... I've been a (bleats) baaaaaaaaaad little boy...(audience laughs)
Sano: (military cap) I'm gonna drill you to next week, maggot! (Audience laughs
Schala: (Nurse's hat) It's time for your six o'clock bedpan change. (audience chuckles)
Yahiko: (in Sea captain's hat) MEN!! (turns left face) ....OF THE SEA!!! (Turns right face) WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT! (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (barber's scissors) I'm going to give you more than just a little off the top. (Audience laughs while Nick cracks up again.)
Sano: (Judge's wig) No, I hold YOU in contempt! (audience laughs)
Schala: (wearing a crown) ...OFF WITH YOUR PANTS!!!!! (Audience roars with laughter, Nick falls out of the chair, laughing like crazy) ... Oh my god, I think I killed him....
Nick: (climbs into the chair) HA HA HA HA! Oh my god! I can't believe you said that!
Yahiko: ... you okay?
Sano: I always said he was a mad man.
Nick turns angry and smites Sano again.
Nick: (To Sano, angrily) Next time you say that, they'll have to call you roast chicken head! (audience oohs as Nick hits the buzzer)... That was amazing. 37 points to everyone, and a 400-point bonus to Schala.
Schala: (bows slightly)Thank you.
Nick: Don't mention it. We'll be right back with more "Whose 'Smite' is it, Anyway? Don't go anywhere! (Audience applauds)
Act 2:
Audience applauds.
Nick: Welcome back to Whose Line is it, Anyway?" the only game show where if I get mad, I get to smiting (audience laughs). Our next game is for Tenchi, Yahiko, and Sano. (to the audience) What I need from the far right section of the audience is the name of a woman...
Various Audience Members: Judy! Margaret! Maria! Latrine! (audience starts laughing)
Nick: Latrine it is. Now give me an occupation..
VAM: Bathroom janitor! (audience starts laughing louder)
Nick: One guy in the audience who hits it on the nail! The name of this game is called "Funeral" (audience cheers) . What's gonna happen here is that Sano is going to be the priest, while Tenchi and Yahiko are the chief mourners for Latrine, who died in a freak bathroom cleaning accident. (everyone laughs) And at the end, they have to sing a song about her, all in one voice.
Sano stands at one end of the stage; Yahiko and Tenchi are at the other, bowing their heads in reverence.
Sano: Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here to bid farewell to Latrine.
Yahiko: (sobs softly like Ryan Stiles)
Sano: She had a good life until one day when she tried to mop the floor with her tongue (audience laughs)
Yahiko: (sobs again)
Sano: Now before we say goodbye, I believe that we should share what we know about her. (To Tenchi) Now Roger, you gave Latrine her first job, didn't you?
Tenchi: Yes. She was young, but she was determined. Why I remember the day she used her hands instead of a scour to get rid of that mildew buildup in the sink. (Audience laughs and groans). Even though that put her on Workman's Comp, she still came in and did her job.
Sano: Ahh. (To Yahiko) John, you were Latrine's little brother. What would you like to share about your sister?
Yahiko: I remember we used to fight over who gets to clean the bowl. Our ancestors were all famous bathroom cleaners, and I wanted to follow in her footsteps. I even made my own toilet scrubber out of tree bark and grandma's fake hair (audience groans.)
Sano: You're joking?
Yahiko: No, her wig was made out of iron. (Audience laughs)... Poor Latrine, I was going to give it to her when she got promoted to the Executive Washroom (sobs).
Tenchi: It's okay, John. According to your sister's wishes, she wanted us to sing her a eulogy before burying her.
Tenchi, Sano, and Yahiko get to center stage while Laura Hall starts playing the funeral song theme.
Tenchi, Sano, Yahiko (together, singing): Oooooh, Latrine,
I miss you everyday.....
Ooooooh. Latrine...
You scrub my shame awaaaaaaaay. (Audience laughs)
No one can clean a bathroom,
Quite as well as you....
Your urinal cakes were homemade,
And you made your tools by hand....
I miss the days you swept and..
Mopped for days on end...
In poker, you were always winning,
You always made a royal flush!!!!
Nick hits the buzzer. The audience cheers as Tenchi, Yahiko, and Sano returned to their seats.
Nick: That was pretty good; too bad the censors won't allow too much bathroom humor. They consider it a piece of (bleep!) (Everyone laughs). 100 death coins to everyone.
Sano: 'Death coins??'
Nick: Yep. You can buy off Death with these coins. Let's move on to a new game called "Foreign Film Dub. This is for everyone. (The aforementioned come down on stage). Yahiko and Schala are going to perform a scene out of a movie in a foreign language, and Tenchi and Sano will translate whatever they say. (Turns to audience) Now what I need is a language to fake...
VAM: Spanish! Korean! Scandinavian!
Nick: Scandinavian sounds good. And what would call this movie if you were a Scandinavian action film director?
VAM: Skoal!
Nick: Cool. So let's take it away...
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Sano: "Do you where all the beer went?
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian and shrugs)
Tenchi: "Why are you asking me? I'm the head of the prohibition movement!"
Audience laughs
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian and looks over his shoulder)
Sano: "You! You're the one I was sent to kill!!!"
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian and holds an imaginary weapon)
Tenchi: "Go ahead and try it: I'll kick your ass, little boy!"
Audience laughs while Yahiko gets mad
Yahiko: (angrily speaks phony Scandinavian for a long time)
Sano: Hey, you want to put that thing away and grab a brewsky?
Audience laughs
Schala: (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Tenchi: "Sure, why not?"
Yahiko walks up to Schala
Yahiko:(speaks phony Scandinavian)
Sano: "You are one hot-lookin' chick!"
Audience laughs
Schala: (blushes and (speaks phony Scandinavian)
Tenchi: "Are you just trying to get some? I'm already married."
Audience roars with laughter
Yahiko: (speaks phony Scandinavian for a really long time)
Sano: Dammit!
Audience laughs even harder.
Nick hits the buzzer.
Nick: A thousand points to everyone, and a golden tankard to Sano for his colorful translation.
Sano: Wow!
Nick: By the way, you should keep an eye out for Sano's new TV project: it's a cross between "The Curse of the Pink Panther:", "History of the World Part 1", "The Fox and the Hound" and "My date with an axe-murder" It's called "My historical date with the cursed Fox Murderer." (Audience laughs as Sano gets cross.)
Sano: Hey, I'll have you know that Megumi's a saint compared to Karou.
Nick: Not based on what she'll do to you if you don't stop drinking (audience laughs louder). Next game up is an all-time favorite on the show. It's called "Newsflash." This is for Schala, Yahiko, and Tenchi. What happens is that Tenchi's going to cover a big news story in front of something called a "green screen". He can't see what's behind him, so he has to figure out what's going on based on hints from Schala and Yahiko. We in the audience and whoever is reading this fic can see what's behind Tenchi thankfully, so let's take it away!
Schala and Yahiko sit on two stools while Tenchi stands in front of the green screen.
Schala: So is teacher of yours that nasty?
Yahiko: Yep, and ugly as they come. (Audience laughs)
Schala: Oh! We interrupt this regularly scheduled infomercial to bring you this breaking news story. We turn things over to our wet-eared news reporter, Tenchi for a look.
Green screen shows scenes from B-rated horror movies.
Yahiko: Tenchi, what's going on over there?
Tenchi: Pardon?
Yahiko: What matter of craziness is this?
Tenchi: I have no idea, but I think it all started with a rumor that President Bush passed a law that grants him an automatic second term in office! (Audience laughs)
Schala: It's definitely something you would see under a full moon, isn't it?
Tenchi: ... Maybe.
Yahiko: Tenchi, it seems that these guys have an ax to grind with someone, don't they?
Screen shows Evil Dead 2 scene in which the beheaded zombie runs into the tool shed with a chain saw.
Tenchi: I don't know.
GS (Green screen) "Scream" scene in which the hot chick gets brutally crushed by garage door. (Audience screams)
Schala: (screams)
Tenchi: AAH!
Schala: Hey Tenchi, have you seen any suspicious characters around here?
Tenchi: What?
Schala: What do you think the chances are of unmasking this mystery?
Tenchi: I've been working with the police, but they're dead tired (audience laughs)
Yahiko: Do you think they'll be any survivors when this is over?
Tenchi: ... I'm not so sure, but I've dealt with things more terrifying.
Schala: Like what?
Tenchi: Aeka and Ryoko on a bad hair day. (Audience laughs)
Yahiko: Tenchi, I've noticed a kind of red liquid running everywhere, what do you make of it?
Tenchi pretends to look down, stick his finger in and puts it in his mouth (audience cheers and laughs) I think its taco sauce (more laughter)
Schala: These things seem to be disorganized. I've never seen anyone shambling so much before.
Tenchi:... Well, Schala, I wish I had a sawed-off shot gun and a chain saw, (looks behind him) I think they look hungry.
Nick: (hits the buzzer) Something tells me you've seen enough, Tenchi. What's behind you?
Tenchi: Bloody horror movies from the 80's?
Nick: Yes it is. (Yahiko puts the stools away, and rejoins the others at their seats) ... So Tenchi, are Aeka and Ryoko THAT nasty on a bad hair day?
Tenchi: You don't know the half of it.
Nick: Then give them both 100 sympathy points when this is over. We'll be right back to find out who the winner is on "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Don't go anywhere!
Act 3:
Audience applauds. Sano's sitting at the desk while everyone else is on the stage.
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it, Anyway?" Tonight's winner is Tenchi Masaki!
Tenchi: Don't I get to sit at the desk?
Nick: Afraid not. (To Sano) Comfy?
Sano: I can get used to this.
Nick: Don't you dare mess up my desk.
Sano: (sarcastically) Ooh, I'm so not afraid
Nick: (as Yoda) You will be... you WILL be...
Tenchi: ... You're starting to scare me now.
Nick: Tenchi's going to be doing a game called "Dubbing" along with Schala and me. As a special treat, we're also getting a little bit of help from a pair of special guests.
Schala: My, how generous.
Nick: First of all Tenchi, I must apologize in advance.
Tenchi: For what?
Nick: Chances are we'll find out since our guests should be familiar to you. These two, whenever they aren't doing hobbies or something, always ending up fighting over Tenchi.
Tenchi: Oh no!
Nick: Please welcome the Juraian maiden Aeka, and the space pirate, Ryoko, ladies and gentlemen!
Audience applauds as Aeka and Ryoko come out on the stage.
Nick: I'm glad the two of you could make it.
Aeka: It's very nice to be here, Nick.
Ryoko: Mihoshi and Kiyone are out job hunting again, so we figured "what the hey?"
Tenchi: So who's watching the house?
Ryoko: Sasami's helping Washu with a new experiment so I don't think we need to worry about it.
Sano: (Leans over the desk) Hey, can you two give me your numbers when this show is over?
Aeka: (slightly embarrassed) Oh my, is that a man or a rooster?
Everyone but Sano laughs.
Ryoko: I'd say a rooster, and a cute one at that. Why not you and I grab some food afterwards?
Audience howls
Nick: (sweat drops) .... Okay...I wish we could talk about that more, but we have a show to do. So the deal is that you two ladies are going to be in a game called dubbing, what happens is that Aeka and Ryoko are going to act out a scene with Tenchi, but the problem is that Tenchi can't speak. So I'm going to provide the lines for Tenchi. The scene is, a normal day at the Masaki residence that starts to go down the hill when Tenchi brings a friend, Schala, over to meet everyone. (Audience laughs)
Nick heads towards the desk with a microphone, while Aeka and Ryoko start the scene.
Aeka: So, did Washu build that new cappuccino machine, yet?
Ryoko: She's been working on that thing since we freed her from her hibernation. It's on her giant "To-do" list!" (Audience laughs)
Tenchi: (lip-synchs with Nick's voice) "Hey, guys!"
Aeka: Oh, hello Tenchi!
Ryoko: You look happy, something you'd like to share?
Nick voice over: "Yes I would, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine from school. I'd like you to meet Schala."
Schala comes in.
Schala: Um, hello. Tenchi's told me a lot about you two.
Ryoko: (raises an eyebrow skeptically) Really?
NV: "Oh, don't worry, I haven't told her you're a nasty space pirate."
Audience laughs while Aeka starts giggling and Ryoko has a vein popping on her forehead.
Schala: "Space Pirate?" Tenchi, I had no idea you had such rough company!
Aeka: I can believe that. No refinement whatsoever.
NV: "I'm sorry, but right now, my memory's kinda fuzzy.. Who are you again?" (Audience laughs)
Ryoko: I can't believe you forgot about us this quickly?
Aeka: (pulls Ryoko away from Tenchi and Schala) Ryoko, don't you think there's something strange about that girl?
Ryoko: She's a lot nicer than you, that's for sure.
NV: "What are you two up to over there? (To Schala) I'm really sorry about this.
Schala: Sorry about what? This is exciting compared to life at the palace.
Aeka: (Sternly) Tenchi, you've got some explaining to do.
Ryoko: Are you trying to two-time us? (Audience laughs)
NV: "Uh, no! I'd be a fool to try and do something like that. Why the only thing worse than that is a little boy calling his teacher ugly for no good reason!"
Yahiko: (angrily) HEY!!!!
Nick and Sano high five each other. Audience laughs.
Aeka: Poor Yahiko.
NV: "'Yahiko?' Is there something YOU'RE not telling me?"
Ryoko: (sinister glint in her eyes) Yeah, are you hiding a man around here?
Aeka: What!?! Ryoko, how can you betray me like this??
Ryoko: Don't get your ponytails in a knot, I'm just curious.
Aeka: (angrily) Don't think you'll be smiling once I show Tenchi what you wrote about him in your diary! (Audience laughs)
Ryoko: (Shocked) You dirty-
NV: "Come on you two, there's no need to fight over me..."
Schala: Does this happen everyday, Tenchi?
NV: "I'm afraid it does."
Sano hits the buzzer.
Sano: Personally, I'd like to see what happens next in private, but doing so would cause problems for a PG rated fic.
Nick: Let's hear it for Ryoko and Aeka, everyone! (Audience applauds) We'll be right back with more "Whose Line". Don't go away!
Credits:
Audience applauds.
Sano, Tenchi, Yahiko, Aeka, and Ryoko are on the stage.
Nick: Welcome back to "Whose Line". Tonight, we're going to do the credits with everyone, and a little help from Ryoko and Aeka.
Aeka: (bows) It was a pleasure to be here, Master Nick.
Ryoko: You think you could have us as guests in the future?
Nick: I'll have to talk the author about that. Tonight, you're all going to read the credits while you're all trying to Smite Sano with these handy- dandy thunderbolts, courtesy of Zeus.
Sano: (angrily) I'm gonna get you one of these days (cracks his knuckles)
Nick: If you keep that up, I'll be tempted to pull a Zanetsuken on you. Until then (smirks), you better start running!
Yahiko: Hunting season's open on all Mark Levisons! (Throws a bolt, Sano dodges)
Sano: Drew Carey, you are all out of your minds!
Tenchi: Silence!
Sano starts running, but Tenchi hits Sano with his thunderbolt.
Sano: X-X OOWWWWWWW!!!! THAT HURTS, YOU LITTLE-
Aeka: You've no room to complain, Chip Estan! Go back to the Greg Proops that spawned you!
Ryoko: Here's a number you won't forget: It's Colin Mochrie! (Smites Sano with her thunderbolt)
Sano: What did I do to deserve such Ryan Stiles? He's a bigger target than me!
Schala: What a wonderful way to do away with such a sinful Wayne Brady!
This one had me running on empty for a bit, but doing some quick research for Tenchi and Co. quickly remedied that. In the next installation, get ready for future craziness as maverick hunters X and Zero stop by. And what the heck's with this guy in robes sneaking around? The show must go on, even if someone is plotting revenge.
Review section:
Skylark360-Gomen nessai!! I was in such haste in writing this chapter; I accidentally overlooked part of your suggestion to put in Kenshin and Kaoru.... In any case, Kenshin and Kaoru had had their time on the show for a while, so I figured I'd put in Sano and Yahiko instead. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter, especially the last game. I could not resist the temptation of having Aeka and Ryoko on the show and driving Tenchi crazy. I do hope however, you look forward to Kenshin and Kaoru having some fun with Zero and X.
As always, reviews and suggestions for future chapters are welcome. Hope to see you in the review pages!