0000 Disclaimer=me no own 0000 Not my usual fare, but it came to me and wouldn't leave me alone, not entirely sure how to class it-but it's definitely fairly angsty0000
I'd never held any great expectations in life.
My parents were the first people to introduce me to the idea that waiting for the right person is not an option. That when it comes to marriage you should settle for second best the consequences be damned.
Although thinking about my mother I suppose she did love him once, I've seen photographs of how she was before they met, how happy and vibrant she looked, but looking at the faded shell of a woman she's become I wonder-what went wrong?
Still, to me, life seemed to pick up after I took on a new part at home-that of the rebellious teenager, it was all just an act-an act is all it ever is but it served its purpose, it helped me escape joining the Navy. For the only thing that has ever been real about the parts I play is my fear of drowning.
I joined Starfleet soon afterwards and began yet another new part, this time of the studious cadet who worked hard but also played hard, yet never letting anyone in. To me the academy was a breeze, they all loved the new part I was playing and never bothered with questions.
Then I got assigned to Enterprise a few years later.
You know, an opportunity to go where no man has gone before an all that. Although to me it sometimes felt I was little more than a glorified bodyguard expected to be silent at all times only chipping in my two cents when it was necessary.
However, I've got no regrets. Like I said, I'd never held any great expectations and when you've got the bar set so low it's easier to fool yourself into thinking you're happy.
Even if you aren't.
Being on Enterprise is something I won't forget. While I was there I was in a safe environment. After the initial few months I grew to learn what was expected of me-times to laugh, times to get angry, times to step in and play 'hero' for a bit, etc.
It did make me laugh with everyone thinking I was shy; still it distracted them from realising that all I was doing was merely sizing them up so I knew where to fit.
I did stick out like a sore thumb for a while though. Being the only British officer on board does tend to do that for you, although it didn't help matters with being brought up to believe that superior officers were merely there to give you orders and shouldn't be burdened with small talk from their subordinates.
After a while I learned to play my part well-plus it cheered them up thinking they'd finally made me loosen up.
However, playing this part had its downside.
I learned for the first time about families who were extremely tight knit with no qualms about helping each other.
But more importantly I learned that their parents had married because they'd found the right person.
They hadn't settled for second best.
Still, however much this new discovery unsettled me I stuck with my part. Until, that is, I realised I'd fallen for someone. And God, had I fallen hard. Still, admitting these new feelings would mean changing my part. Something I was reluctant to do, I was too comfortable with the part I'd created, so I left her well alone. Even though it damned near killed me everytime I saw her with someone else.
Then my comfortable life of lies was shattered when Enterprise was decommissioned.
I returned to find that the world had changed and that several members of the crew had risen to the status of 'celebrity'. Including myself, although I was loathe to accept this new part.
Of course that was a long time ago, I'm not sure what all of them went on to do, and I only have snippets of information.
Captain Archer went on to have several promotions, eventually becoming an Ambassador. The man could talk anyone into submission so the career move never surprised me. Of course after Enterprise the only time I ever saw him was for brief moments when he was back on Earth, at those moments I'd be momentarily wrong-footed trying to remember the part I used to play having learnt a new one. Still after the initial few seconds I found I could slip back easily enough and carry on a nostalgic conversation with him.
I think he married late on in life, he might've had a kid I can't be sure though-I didn't bother keeping in touch with anyone, I only would talk to them again if they contacted me.
T'Pol is a mystery, I have honestly no idea what she ended up doing, she could be dead or married with sixteen little T'Pol's for all I know. After we left Enterprise I never saw her again.
Trip insisted on keeping in contact with me, he was the one who filled me in on what everyone else was doing.
He landed on his feet after Enterprise; he was promoted to Captain and given his own ship which toured the galaxy in much the same way as Enterprise. It was on this ship he found his true love-or so he told me anyway, I admit I was fairly cynical concerning matters of love, for in relationships whether you loved someone or not didn't matter. He had just one child, a son, Charles Tucker IV. His wife died during an attack, he coped for a while handling the ship and his son but eventually admitted the arrangement wasn't working and reluctantly left his ship for a life teaching the new Starfleet cadets.
I admit that even then I still didn't bother to contact him of my own accord, choosing to wait till he talked to me, only then would I adopt the part of close friend, telling him what he needed to hear, telling him in a subtle way that I was there if he needed to talk. I suppose Trip was the closest thing to a friend I've ever had, in truth he is the only person I ever adopted the part of close friend for.
Travis went on to become one of the greatest pilots in Starfleet-or at least he did according to a newspaper article I read, that was all I knew about him, Trip didn't tell me anything about him and I never asked. I can't quite make up my mind as to whether I missed him or not still, he never fitted with the parts I played in later life therefore no information was required.
However the one person I did bother to keep track of-with the exception of Trip, although his was a more one sided as he took the time to contact me-was Hoshi. For although I'd made a pact with myself to keep away from her never revealing my true feelings, I still found myself constantly wondering what had become of her.
I discovered she returned to her first love-teaching, marrying another languages Professor a few years after leaving Enterprise. I believe she had two children. Both girls.
After learning of the birth of her children I gave up on finding things out about her. It was starting to affect the part I was playing at the time-one of a loved up fiancé.
Andrea was a good woman, I did care about her but I never loved her. I married purely for the reason she was the only one who'd have me and I didn't want to grow old alone.
Andrea was a good wife, pleasant welcoming, she knew how to present herself at official functions and she knew how to deal with people.
I honestly don't think she loved me either, true we cared for each other but that was all. We married each other because neither of us wanted to die alone.
We had one child, a girl. She opened up a whole new part for me to play-one of fatherhood. This was a part I was not accustomed too, I was not sure what to do or what to say, and this was a part I had to play by ear.
Lucy was a beautiful child, I loved her dearly, however when she grew older she began to see me for what I was-a liar. Thus completely disillusioned she left and the only times we ever spoke were briefly at Christmas and for her wedding. Leaving me once more to wonder what'd gone wrong?
Andrea and I settled into our life of lies quite peacefully after that, neither truly happy with the marriage but both too lazy to break it up.
However looking back now I wish I'd changed my part on Enterprise. For I died two days ago, a lonely miserable old man, trapped in a cold marriage, with no real friends bar one-who wasn't told till the day after that I'd passed away.
Now I'm scared, I have no part to play anymore, I can only play myself. But I was lost a long time ago, leaving me now at this point in time-completely naked to the scrutiny of death wondering what the hell went wrong.
0000 Please review, constructive criticism is always helpful 0000