Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings characters or stories. I don't own Buffy either. They are the property of Joss Whedon (Buffy) and LOTR rights-holders include the Tolkien family, Peter Jackson, and I'm guessing the country of New Zealand.
"Come on," Pippin pleaded. "You haven't had one in forever!"
"Yeah, there's a reason for that," I said, opening one eye. "The last sleepover I had involved three trips to the emergency room, the local police, and 15 dozen cookies."
"Hey, I had fun," Merry said.
"Of course you did," I retorted. "You and Pippin spent the entire night under the dining room table playing with my Buffy action figures, and oh yeah," I added with a glare, "drinking ALL of my Asti (A/N: Sparkling wine)!"
"Meanwhile," I continued. "I made the mistake of showing Frodo the Claddagh ring I was gonna give my mom for Christmas. Next thing I knew, he freaked out, shoved the ring on his finger and started yelling, 'My Claddagh! MINE! MY OWN!' Little Mr. Baggins ran away and I had to chase after him for about fifteen minutes before I was able to tackle him in the backyard. Frodo was shouting at me to get off him, and I was shouting that he better give the ring back before he got another finger bitten off. Okay, and it turned out that all the cops who were parked nearby, waiting for people to run through stop signs, heard this exchange and were NOT amused. Fortunately, Frodo snapped out of it and hypnotized them with his huge, frighteningly blue eyes, so nothing more was made of the incident."
"Wow," said Merry.
"Wait, it gets better," I told him. "We went back inside to pre-treat our grass stains when I heard Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas talking in the living room. Gimli commented that Galadriel was the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth. Aragorn was all, 'No she's not, ARWEN is the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth!' Then Legolas was like, 'You're both wrong! I am the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth, and I've got the fangirls to prove it!" They started arguing, getting louder and angrier and then they decided to have a three-way wrestling match in the driveway. At first it was kind of funny. Frodo, Sam, and I popped some popcorn and decided to watch them from the porch."
"Hey! What?" Pippin interrupted. "You had popcorn and didn't invite us?"
"I repeat, you and Merry were busy getting drunk and playing Buffy. From what I could gather, Buffy had died for a third time and become Tara's new girlfriend in heaven."
"Oh, that's right!" Merry exclaimed. He shot a naughty look at Pippin. "That was a fun game, Pip."
"ANYWAY," I said, "by the end of the fight, Gimli had a broken wrist, Legolas had a black eye and a couple of cracked ribs, and Aragorn had a three-inch gash in his side."
"Yeah," Merry commented. "I remember how they were in battle. They fight dirty. So what did you do?"
"I packed them up in my car and drove them down to the ER. Well, it took a while to convince Aragorn to go because he thinks he looks sexier when he's filthy and wounded."
"You know, he kind of does," Pippin mused.
Merry and I looked at him.
"What?"
I decided to just continue, "Yeah, so they got patched up and I started driving back home. We weren't five minutes away from the hospital when we had to go back because Legolas socked Gimli for singing at him 'You're not pretty anymore.' When we finally returned, I saw that Bill the Pony had eaten up half of the grass in the front yard. By that point, I was already tired and mad, so I went ballistic and started yelling at Bill. Sam came out and was all, 'Don't mess with Bill!' We had an argument until, finally, Sam climbed on Bill and rode home, taking Frodo with him. I came back inside and you two were passed out, Aragorn and Legolas had crawled into their sleeping bags, and Gimli was in the kitchen drinking. Guess what I chose to do?"
"Drink with Gimli!" Merry and Pippin cried in unison.
"Ding! Correct! You're such smart little hobbits," I beamed at them. "However, before I could drink anything, we heard this thumping and bumping in the house. Gimli thought it might be an intruder, so we crept towards the living room, armed with forks--"
"Forks?" Merry smirked
"I wasn't thinking! Besides, I actually thought there was an intruder in my corner of Nothingeverhappenshere, USA. Shows you where my logic was."
"So it wasn't an intruder, then?" Pippin asked.
"No," I sighed. "It was Aragorn trying to go upstairs to use the bathroom. Of course, neither of us realized that until we jumped him on the steps and he started to cry."
"You made Strider cry?!?!" they asked incredulously.
"Yeah, a bunch of his stitches ripped," I said.
They both looked a little peeved at me for re-injuring their friend.
"Hey, I didn't do it on purpose, guys!" I protested, trying to defend myself. "Gimli and I felt REALLY bad about it, so we let him do his business and then I drove him back to the hospital. I must say, none of the staff looked too happy to see us again. We got back home a little before 6 a.m. By that time, Legolas and Gimli had already left to avoid running into any of Mr. Elfie's fangirls on the way home. Aragorn went home too, refusing to speak to me. I went to bed, and when I came downstairs around noon, you two were gone as well. Funnily enough, so were the bacon, eggs, and tomatoes in the refrigerator." I threw an accusing look at both of them.
They gazed back at me with angelic expressions.
"Neither of you fool me for a minute," I told them. "Anyway, THAT is why I am never having another sleepover."
"Hey, wait," Pippin said suddenly. "You never told us how the 15 dozen cookies fit into the story."
"Oh, right," I said. "Well, I had to buy them as a peace offering for my offended guests. Five dozen went to Aragorn, the next five dozen went to Sam, and the last five dozen were sent to Bill."
"Bill?" Merry asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Yeah, apparently he's very fond of cookies. They're second only to the grass on my front lawn," I explained.
"Those cookies were for Bill?" Pippin asked quietly, exchanging glances with Merry.
"Did you two eat the cookies I sent for that pony?!?!?!!?!"
"Um, sort of," they answered.
For a second, I considered getting really ticked off, then I calmed down.
"Oh, well," I said shrugging. "Sam forgave me anyway. That's one of the really cool things about hobbits – they don't stay angry with you for very long. Oh, and Aragorn and I are back on speaking terms too."
Both Merry and Pippin looked at me expectantly.
"The end," I added.
"Wow, that was a long story," Pippin said.
"Quite right, Pip," Merry agreed. "That was a lot of listening. I say we reward ourselves with apples." They each reached into their bags and dug out the requisite fruit. "So what time should we come over tonight?" Merry asked as he munched on a bite of his apple.
"Did you not listen to a word I said?" I asked. "I'm not having another sleepover after what happened last time!"
"Gosh dang it, woman! Stop being a prisoner to the past!" Pippin scolded me.
"You know, Pip," I said, "you are making me really sorry I ever let you watch Dr. Phil."
"Oh, come on," Merry cajoled me. "Do I have to bring out the signed pledge again?"
"And when we invite the Fellowship, we'll make all of them promise to be really good," Pippin added.
"It will be fun!" Merry exclaimed.
"Pleeeeeaaasseeee?" Pippin begged.
I stared at both of them for a minute or so, trying to build a little bit of suspense before I totally caved.
"Fine," I said at last.
"Yay!" they cheered.
Both hobbits proceeded to do the Dance of Joy from "Perfect Strangers" (A/N: Old '80's show, I don't know if anyone has seen/remembers it…). They finished with a flourish as Pippin jumped into Merry's arms. I applauded politely.
"Well, we have to go now and invite everybody," Merry said, putting Pippin back down.
"We'll see you tonight," Pippin called over his shoulder as he and Merry dashed off the porch and down the sidewalk.
"Yeah, sure," I said. "But listen," I yelled. "This is the last one. Ever! I mean it!"
They were already gone.
Whew! That was a long one! I'm tired! Hey, go you if you made it through. Go find Merry and Pippin and tell them that you need an apple and a big hug as a reward! Thanks for your time, review and let me know what you think!