Anyone still out there? Hey, remember me? Sorry this update took so long, but the last six weeks have been insane! I was taking two classes during my college's first summer session (I am NEVER doing that again, by the way!) and for some reason, my professors thought I should be doing the homework they assigned me. Weirdos ;-) Anyway, I want to thank all of my reviewers:
Lilit: Thank you very much! I'm glad that it was a fun read!
Firestar 385: Happy that you liked Aragorn's fangirls "switching teams," so to speak. I don't think he was too pleased ;-)
Cherry: Thanks for the great review! I'm continuing!
Jelli-baby: Aw, thanks so much! I'm glad that I made you laugh. Don't worry; people give me strange looks at me when I laugh out loud at other stories too!
Mina aka: mockingbird: Thank you for your kinds words! Yes, I do know that Aragorn has fangirls! They just, uh, took a vacation that day.
Voldie on Varsity Track: Thanks for reviewing! Here's another chapter for ya, home slice! (I love that name, by the way.) For the first time, I saw an actual Legolas pregnancy fic posted on this site the other day! However, I wasn't brave enough to read it. I hope you continue with your parody, it's awesome!
Disclaimer: See anything you recognize? Any LOTR character or reference? Products? TV shows? Movies? Games? I don't own anything.
Note: A few weeks ago, a family friend died unexpectedly. This chapter (or at least the time and effort it took to write and post this chapter, because the content is very weird) is dedicated to his memory.
I was sitting at the kitchen table when Sam came in from the backyard.
"Hey," I greeted him. "How was the gardening?"
He gave me a small smile. "It was all right. You know, the groundhog is still eating the bottoms off your tomatoes."
"Yeah, but my dad can't bring himself to do anything about that," I said.
Sam pulled himself up onto one of the kitchen chairs as I went to the refrigerator and tossed him a bottled water.
"Thank 'ee," he said, catching it. Looking at me meaningfully, he asked, "How is everyone in here?"
"Fine," I replied.
"Five!" we heard Gimli crow from upstairs.
"Seven!" Legolas, who was also upstairs, cried triumphantly.
"What are they doing?" Sam asked as he looked up at the ceiling.
"Killing things, I guess," I said. Sam's eyes began to bug out of his head, so I quickly added, "Don't worry, it's just pretend. They're playing on my brother's PS2. By the way, don't tell him they used it," (A/N: In this story, my family is conveniently away for the weekend, like most families are in "The Fellowship came over to my house" fics). "Merry and Pippin are up there with them, and Aragorn is in the living room, talking to Arwen on the phone.
"But how's Mr. Frodo?" he pressed.
"I'm not sure, he hasn't woken up yet," I answered, avoiding his eyes.
Emotionally, Frodo's had a tougher time recuperating from the quest than the others. Lately, everything he's gone through has been taking a physical toll on him as well. A bit earlier, he began to feel under the weather again. That's another way of saying 'he collapsed in the middle of my living room and major drama ensued.' After a few seconds of everyone screaming and generally flipping out, Aragorn collected himself and carried Frodo upstairs, putting him on my parents' bed so he could rest. Fortunately, whatever discomfort Frodo was in seemed to subside and he was able to doze quite peacefully. Sam, in contrast, was pacing outside the bedroom door having about fifteen heart attacks. In an effort to calm him down, Legolas lied through his elven teeth, saying that he sensed Frodo would be fine as soon as he woke up. I reminded Sam that there were three gardens in my backyard that he could play in. Apparently, even having some quality "garden time" didn't make him feel any better, because now he was back and giving me his Sad and Worried Sam Face.
I felt bad for him. "You know, he's going to be okay," I said, trying to reassure him.
"I hope so," Sam said quietly, tracing his finger through the condensation on the water bottle.
"I AM fine!" Frodo's voice came out of nowhere.
Sam and I looked around, alarmed. "Shit, Frodo, are you invisible again?" I asked, scanning the kitchen wildly, trying to discern his whereabouts. "I thought that you and Sam got rid of that ring."
"It's Ring," Sam corrected me as he stooped over to look under the table for his master. "And yes, we did."
"I'm in the family room!" Frodo said, his voice mixed with amusement and exasperation.
Sam looked tremendously relieved as we both walked over to the next room.
"Cripes!" I exclaimed. "Have you been listening the whole time? We've been in here worrying while you're in there--" I stopped in the middle of the doorway and looked at Frodo, who was sitting in from of the computer, surfing the Internet. I read the screen and clapped my hands over Sam's eyes as I yelled, "'CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HOT HOBBIT PORN'? FRODO BAGGINS, I'M SHOCKED!"
Scandalized, Sam let out a gasp while Frodo began clicking frantically to exit the dialog box.
"I didn't put it there! It's a pop-up! It's a pop-up!"
I cracked up and let go of Sam. He ran over to Frodo and peered over his shoulder at the computer monitor. I continued walking into the living room. As I flopped down into and over-sized armchair, I heard Sam say, "Grey Havens travel rates? Why're you lookin' at them, Mr. Frodo?"
"Um, no reason Sam," Frodo replied.
Shrugging, I turned my attention to Aragorn, who was still cooing to Arwen on his cell phone.
"I miss you too!" he simpered. "Very, very much!" He paused for a minute, listening. "Of course I'm not spending my weekend with other women! I told you, I'm over at Annie's house!"
I glared at him as he covered the mouthpiece and smirked. "Arwen thought it was funny too," he told me.
"Ha," I deadpanned.
"Yes, I remembered to run the dishwasher this morning," he said, turning back to his phone conversation. "Yes, I promise I won't stay up too late." Pause. "Yes, I promise I won't drink alc—aw, honey!"
"YEEEESSSSSS!!!!! I got 'im!" Gimli's voice thundered down the steps.
"Excellent! Well done, Gimli!" I heard Legolas congratulate him, his voice oozing with pride.
I smiled to myself. It was amazing how much their relationship had evolved over time. I knew that when Legolas and Gimli first met, they could barely tolerate each other. Now, they hang out all the time. They have such a great bond that sometimes, they remind me of two brothers.
"You can't claim him as your own!" Gimli suddenly hollered. "I already killed him!"
'Two really annoying seven-year-old brothers,' I thought, rolling my eyes.
"You did not," Legolas calmly retorted.
"Did too!"
"He was twitching."
"He was twitching because--"
"Oh, don't start that again, dwarf!"
"Listen here, Lady Lovelylocks!" (A/N: Name of a show I watched when I was five. I think I gotta stop with the 80's references).
"What did you just call me?"
"You heard me!"
"Ow!" Legolas yelled.
I heard a thud.
"Owwwwww!" Gimli moaned.
"BLOOODDDD!" shouted Merry and Pippin.
"OH HELL!" I screamed at the heavens.
Aragorn gasped at the word "blood," slapped his phone shut, and raced up the stairs. Frodo and Sam scrambled after him. I brought up the rear.
The four of us skidded to a stop inside my brother's room. Merry and Pippin were agitatedly bouncing around on my brother's bed. Legolas sat on the floor, wincing and rubbing his scalp. Gimli was beside him, his left had clamped over his eyebrow. Blood was seeping through his fingers.
"What happened here?" I asked in horror.
"They were fighting," Captain Obvious—I mean, Pippin—informed me.
"That is understood," Aragorn told him.
"The elf here was trying to say that he killed one of those digital men," Gimli said, pointing at the paused game on the TV.
I looked at the screen and did a double take. "Hang on," I said. "This is Madden NFL 2004, you don't kill people in this game!"
"Maybe not the way you play it," Gimli stated frankly. "Anyway, he said he killed that one, when I CLEARLY--"
"That is also understood," Aragorn interrupted him.
"Then he pulled my hair!" Legolas exclaimed indignantly, making a pained face.
"So why is Gimli bleeding?" I asked.
"He pulled my hair," Legolas repeated.
"And you didn't take him out back and shoot him?" Aragorn asked sarcastically.
Legolas' face lit up.
"I wasn't serious!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"Well, I didn't deliberately make him bleed," Legolas stated as he continued to stroke his maimed follicles. "I was just trying to push him away and his head slammed into the book case."
I crouched down so I was eye-to-eye with Gimli. "Could you move your hand, please?" I asked him.
He did, and I got to see the cut in its full-bloodied goriness.
"Oh, ew!" I screeched.
"I'm sorry it's not pretty enough for you," Gimli grumbled, sounding insulted.
"No, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just…it looks really bad."
Frodo and Sam ran into the bedroom. I hadn't even noticed that they had left.
"Here," Sam said, as Frodo pressed a wet washcloth against Gimli's head.
"How bad is it?" Gimli asked, peeking up at me from underneath the washrag.
I stared at my feet and let out a long breath. "ER bad," I said weakly. I looked back up. "Gimli, you need to get in the car, everyone else--"
"I'm coming along," Legolas broke in.
"What? Why?" I asked.
"Gimli is my friend!" he said. "Plus, he pulled my hair."
"Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think that requires medical attention," I said.
"We'll take care of you, Leggy!" a chorus of voices squealed.
Our heads swiveled towards the sound. "OH HELL!" we all screamed in unison.
A herd of fangirls were crowded in the doorway, gazing adoringly at their "injured" elf. "Awww, did baby get hurt?" they asked.
Legolas began backing up against the wall. He looked at me accusingly. "How did they get in, Annie? I thought you locked the house!"
"I did!" I protested.
"The back door was open," a fangirl said.
"Sam!" I seethed through gritted teeth.
"I was worried about Mr. Frodo!" Sam exclaimed. "Besides, you didn't remember to re-lock it either!" The best defense is a good offense.
"Fear not, mellon nim," Aragorn said to Legolas. "You have my sword." He started to unsheathe Anduril and advanced on the fangirls. Then he stopped. "Hey," he said, taking note of their faces. "Aren't some of you MY fangirls?"
"Uhhh…" several of them began. "We….gotta….go. NOW!"
They all turned to run out the door. One came back and flashed a smile at Aragorn. "Don't worry, Arry! We'll be back to fanwork on Monday morning!" Another returned to pull her away. "Come on, we heard her whisper. "Word is that Haldir's all alone tonight!" They both giggled wildly and pattered down the stairs.
Aragorn slumped against the dresser. "Women," he sighed. "I just can't take anymore trouble with the--"
His cell phone started blooping out "The Simpsons" theme song. He flipped it open. "Hello?"
"ESTEL, DID YOU ACTUALLY HANG UP ON ME?!?" the very pissed-off voice of Arwen blasted through the phone.
Aragorn cringed and drew the phone away from his ear. Bringing the phone back to his head, he replied, "Sorry, crisis situation. Blood and everything. Thanks for calling, I'll talk to you later." He hung up again.
We all stared at him in open-mouthed astonishment. He looked at us.
"What?"
We sadly shook our heads. He was SO not gettin' any for a while.
"Well," Aragorn continued. "I'm going to the hospital too."
"What? Why?" I asked, again (I hate repeating myself).
"I'm the freakin' King of Gondor," he answered, like that explained everything.
"Then it's only fair that Pip and I come too!" Merry said, jumping off the bed.
"Don't forget Mr. Frodo and me!" Sam piped up.
I surveyed the group. "Guys, I can't take everybody."
They all looked quite unhappy to hear that.
"But we're the Fellowship," Pippin said. "We're supposed to stick together!"
"That may be, but my car doesn't hold more than five people, including myself," I explained.
"Well, there is a way to fit all of us in the car," Legolas said.
"I am NOT putting the hobbits in the trunk, Legolas! We've already had this discussion!" I said sharply.
"Well, Sam and I could just go on what we rode over here," Frodo volunteered.
The life of my front lawn flashed before my eyes. "I didn't know Bill was here," I said, trying to disguise the fear in my voice.
"No, not Bill," Sam said. "It's a bicycle built for two! Mr. Frodo rides on the first seat, and I ride on the second. I made it myself."
The rest of us began furiously chewing the insides of our mouths, trying to contain ourselves.
"Not. One. Word!" Sam warned us.
I took a deep breath. "Okay, but a bicycle built for two still means that one of you has to stay behind."
"No, it doesn't!" Pippin exclaimed in delight. "There's a big basket tied to the front of the bike. I'll ride in that!"
I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling. 'Oh, geez,' I thought.
"Fine," I said, "but we have to go now. Gimli's not looking too great."
All seven of them bolted down the steps and out the door. Never in my life have I seen them move so fast.
Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Merry scurried over to my car and began to climb inside. Frodo and Sam went around to the side of the house, where I presumed they had parked the bike. Pippin started to follow them when he stopped, turned around, and began running back into the house.
"Wait!" he cried, rushing past me. "I need a blanket! I might get cold!"
"Hurry!" I said, waiting to lock the door when he came out.
Two seconds later, he flew back out and jumped into the basket of the bike, which Frodo and Sam had pedaled to the front of the house. "Ready!" he beamed.
He had swaddled himself from head to toe in a large blanket—riding in that basket; he kind of looked like E.T. I took one look and burst out laughing. It was just too cute.
HONNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!! Gimli had leaned over from the passenger seat and was laying on the horn.
"Annie!" he shouted. "Stop laughing and start driving! A dwarf's bleedin' here!"
"Yikes, see you guys there!" I called as I sprinted towards the car. I quickly got in, jammed the key into the ignition, and started to drive.
Aragorn, Legolas, and Merry were in the backseat and had started to bicker about elbow room and whose leg was touching whose. My irritation meter rose and I pulled over to the shoulder of the road. Putting the car in park, I whirled around to face them.
"I DO NOT want to hear another argument or complaint for the rest of the ride. If ANYONE makes me angry, you will ALL BE VERY SORRY! GOT IT?" I said fiercely.
They nodded. Letting out a low growl, I turned around, put the car in drive, and continued on our way.
The others sat in stunned silence. I was kind of pleased by my ability to put the fear of Annie into them.
That fear lasted about eight minutes.
Aragorn was the first to come out of it. Blinking a couple of times, he caught my eye in the rearview mirror.
"Did you actually growl at us, you nutcase?"
TBC: Thanks for reading, everyone! To submit scathing criticism, glowing praise, or anything in between, please hit the little "Review" button!