Hello, again! I'm updating without a two-month gap! What's wrong with me? I'm not sure if this chapter is as funny as usual, so please let me know if I'm under par. I did include a special surprise for Voldie on Varsity Track. What is it? (Imitates the sing-song voice Gollum used in Shelob's lair) "You'll see…."
Now, onto the review replies. I couldn't ask for a better bunch of reviewers! You guys are fab and I love "y'all!"
L a y d e e: Thanks for your reviews! I'm so glad that you've been enjoying the story. Yeah, hospital food is quite unpleasant. I really appreciate all of your kind words and support!
Orligurl88: Wow, thank you! Um, I hope you've regained consciousness. Seriously, thank you so much for your compliments. It makes me happy to know that my nutty story made your day a bit better! I aim to please…
Mina aka: Mockingbird: "Woot" to you too! I love the Snoopy dance! You're going to try the "Let's Bother the Big People" game at an airport? Hee! Well, I'll be laughing until a bunch of peeved airport patrons start breaking down my door. Thanks for the continued feedback; you're awesome!
Canadian-Hobbit: Wheee! Welcome aboard! I'm sorry about your apple craving! No apple mentions in this chappie, so I hope I can help keep your addiction at bay. Thanks for taking the time to review!
Angel 13: (Laughs) I'm glad the story is still great.
Jelli-Baby: Hey, chica! I'm very sorry if I was responsible for your family getting angry with you! It's all my fault because I'm a bad baileymag! I have to ask what made you decide to climb your doorframe one day. By the way, ouch! Sorry to hear the "falling on your dad" bit. You saw "I Love the 90s?" Coolness! Did you see Dominic Monaghan's commentaries? (Party on, Merry! Party on, Garth!) I always love reading your reviews. Thanks for your feedback!
Ode2Joy: Thank you! You know, I had the Steamboat lyrics in my head for days before I posted the story, and after I posted the story…You're so lucky to have had a Barbie Jeep! I didn't have one, but sometimes my neighbor gave me rides in his G.I. Joe mobile; we never got to wreck a sports car either! My hobbit restraining method came from years of working with kids. Sometimes a bear hug (or near-death grip) is the only way to keep them from aggravating/attacking each other. I still have to R&R chapter 8 because I would not let myself read anything fun until this chapter (and another one-shot) were nearly finished. Thanks again!
spastikLeggyluvr Hi, there! Thank you for the review. Your compliments made my day. I'm still writing!
Lady Willowish: Hi, again! I'm glad that I still amuse you! Yay! I know, hospital food is NASTY! The only reason I ever ate it was because my mom made me. (It was the morning after knee surgery and my resistance wasn't as strong, thanks to the pain medication.) I appreciate you taking the time to review! Thanks for the support!
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR, Wendy's, Pixy Stix, or anything else you recognize. I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't. Or something like that…
After the hideous cafeteria food incident, we hoofed it to the nearest Wendy's faster than a snitch at a Quidditch match. While we were idling in the drive-thru lane, my eyes fell on a sign that said, "For your own safety, we ask that no one rides a bike up to the drive-thru window." I started laughing. "What kind of moron rides a bike in the drive-thru ohhh…" I trailed off, catching a glimpse of Sam, Frodo, and Pippin waving to us in the rearview mirror. Needless to say, I had to wave the bicycle built for two (and its three passengers) out of the drive-thru lane and onto the sidewalk. It then took us nearly ten minutes to sort out who wanted what and to finally place the order. The string of cars behind us were pretty aggravated with the delay we were causing, and they repeatedly honked their horns to express their displeasure.
It was very dark by the time we got back to my house. Everyone got out of my car (or off of the bike) and trudged up to the front door. As I fumbled for my house key, I heard a deep male voice yell, "Finally!"
"Yeep!" I squealed in surprise. I realized how lame I sounded. 'Good one, Ann,' I thought. 'That'll scare away the hardened criminal.'
The voice continued speaking. "Do you know how long I've been waiting out here? Did you forget I was coming?"
I squinted into the darkness. "Faramir?"
"Who did you think it was?"
"I don't know, a robber, maybe?" I answered.
Behind me, Aragorn snorted. "Yes, you know those dangerous robbers who break in, steal things, and then wait for the owners to return so they can gloat."
"Well, sometimes they stick around for--"
"Oh, for Eru's sake, who cares?" Faramir exploded. "No one has told me where you've all been for the past few hours."
"We've been to the hospital," Gimli told him. That statement was followed by a yip from Legolas, who I guess received a dwarfly kick or smack.
"We also had to stop at Wendy's," Pippin explained, pointing to the paper bags we were clutching.
"Oh, thanks, don't bring back anything for me," Faramir grumbled.
I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a box of fries and a meal toy. "Here," I said, handing both items over to him.
Faramir examined the toy and fries with delight. "Ooooh!"
"So, are we all still doing this?" Frodo asked.
"Absolutely," Faramir affirmed.
"Great then," I said. "Clear a path, lady with the keys coming through."
I unlocked the front door and led everyone inside. I flipped on the lights and the Fellowship scattered to the various parts of the house where they'd left their stuff.
"Can someone do me a favor and get my stamps from my room?" I asked.
Legolas coughed out "Lazy!" while Merry and Pippin immediately thumped up the steps shouting, "We'll do it!"
One by one, the members of the Fellowship returned to the living room, each holding a book of stamps. Soon, the only two who had yet to come back were Merry and Pippin. I went to the bottom of the steps and called up, "Hey! What's taking so long? I left the stamps out on my bookshelf!"
"We'll be down in a minute!" Pippin yelled. Suddenly, there were two enormous crashes.
"What are you two doing up there?" I screeched.
"Noth-ing!" they chorused innocently.
"Bullshit!" I hollered back.
"Can we just start without them?" Gimli asked. Aragorn and Frodo already had their tongues sticking out in anticipation.
I shrugged. "Yeah, why not?" I walked over to where everyone had grouped around Faramir. We were quiet for several moments as we concentrated on sticking stamps all over him. Sam shared his self-adhesive flower stamps with me.
Faramir looked at us nervously. "Do you really think that Christie will like me?"
"Hell, yeah!" I responded.
"We put a great deal of thought into this," Aragorn explained. "It was decided that she couldn't have a better birthday present than you!"
"You would think so!" we heard Merry say as he and Pippin clomped back down the stairs. "Just wait until she gets MY present!"
Faramir furrowed his brow. "I thought I was a gift from all of you."
"All of us except for Merry," Legolas clarified. "He decided to take a different route."
"Yes, but I'm helping you all with the stamps because I'm such a wonderful gentlehobbit," Merry noted, handing me my own stamp book.
"And what route is that?" Faramir inquired.
"Why don't you tell him, Sam?" Merry asked cheekily.
Sam rolled his eyes at Merry and blushed furiously. "Well, Mr. Merry calls it 'the gift that keeps on giving.'"
Faramir nodded. "Cash?"
"I'm jumping out of the cake!" Merry exclaimed proudly. He swiveled his hips. "Anyone want to see my leopard thong again?"
"NO!"
"Prudes!" Merry pouted. He stuck his tongue out at us; Pippin used it to wet his stamp.
Faramir still seemed a bit on edge. "Sometimes I just find it hard to believe that anyone could like me so much."
"Ah, stop your belly-achin', laddie!" Gimli said. "The fair lady Eowyn likes you, too, doesn't she?"
"Well, yes," Faramir acknowledged. "It's just that, growing up, all the young ladies seemed to prefer Boromir. So did our father."
"Ew!" we all yelled.
"Not in that way," Faramir told us witheringly. "I meant in general."
Pippin clapped a comforting hand on Faramir's arm. "Just because a hog and a llama eat from the same trough, it doesn't mean they can have monkey offspring," he told him sagely.
Faramir looked perplexed.
"Dr. Phil-ism," I whispered. "It's better not to ask."
"It's not a Dr. Phil-ism!" Pippin protested indignantly. "It's an Old Took saying!"
"He was very wise," Frodo said.
"I still don't understand," Aragorn said.
Sam sighed. "It's kind of a hobbit thing," he told us. Merry nodded.
"Oh, look!" Legolas cried. "We…are…finished!" he said proudly, sticking the last stamp in the middle of Faramir's back.
"Not quite!" I said, running into the dining room. I returned with a bright red bow and affixed it to the top of Faramir's head. Curling ribbon dangled from the bow and cascaded down his hair.
We all stepped back to admire our work.
"Dashing," Pippin commented.
"Best birthday gift ever," Frodo stated.
"Oi!" Merry cried.
"Now we just have to mail you," I said, taking Faramir by the elbow.
The color drained from Sam's face. "Um, Annie?" he said hesitantly. "I just remembered that the post doesn't come on Saturday nights."
The Fellowship groaned.
"Could no one have remembered this BEFORE we covered him in stamps?" Gimli griped.
"Oh, you guys are sooo wrong!" I told them. "I use a very unique delivery service. Follow me!" I continued, beckoning them outside.
We all stood out on the porch. I thought for a moment before I started clapping my hands. Nothing happened. "Hmm," I mused. The others looked at me like I was crazy. Next, I (unsuccessfully) attempted to whistle.
"I'm really concerned about your sanity," Legolas said.
"What were you just trying to do?" Frodo asked me.
"Whistle," I answered irritably. I then had to wait about ten minutes before I could do anything else because no one would stop laughing at me.
"Right," I said when they'd quieted down. "You want to summon a freakin' delivery service, there's only one way to do it." Planting my feet apart, I started screaming, "HEY, GET OVER HERE! WE'RE READY!"
"SHUT UP!" about three of my neighbors screamed back.
"SORRY!" I shouted. Just then, I saw a wispy shadow of black off in the distance. All right!
Legolas narrowed his eyes and utilized his damn perfect elf vision to study to approaching figures. A panic-stricken look washed over his face. "Crebain!"
"AAAHHH!" the Fellowship screamed.
I had no idea why they were so upset. "Will you guys calm down?"
"Don't you know?" asked a visibly shaking Sam.
"Know what?"
"They used to be spies for the Enemy!" Frodo squawked from where he'd flattened himself on the ground.
"Huh?" I asked. "I always used them when I wanted to send you all care packages."
"What?!"
"Yeah, during the quest," I answered. "I tried to send things to Hollin and Caradhras, but they could never find you. I guess you'd moved on by the time they arrived."
"That was YOU?" Aragorn asked in disbelief.
By that time, the birds had reached my house. The Fellowship still seemed a bit wary, but we all helped Faramir up as hundreds of bird feet clamped on to his clothing.
"Bye!" he called, waving to us. "I'll see you in a few days, Merry!"
"Bye!" we cried. We stood and watched until he disappeared into the night. Turning around to go back inside, I saw Pippin hastily stuff a thick stack of cards inside his jacket.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Nothing!" he answered quickly, turning bright pink. His eyes darted around faster than they did when he ate fifteen Pixy Stix in a row. Pippin is the worst liar in the world.
"Yeah, okay. Is it the same 'nothing' you were messing with in my room?" I said, making a grab for his arm. Pippin darted away. Pushing open the door, he dashed inside the house and made a beeline for the steps. I followed in hot pursuit.
About six steps into the staircase, I felt somebody slam into me and I fell over from the impact. I awkwardly twisted around to see who made me fall.
"Merry! That was rude!" I shouted.
"Not so much fun to be tackled on the stairs, is it?" a certain smart-ass ranger-turned-king called from the front door.
"SHUT UP, ARAGORN!"
"Well, you shouldn't be going after Pip!" Merry said. "We were in this together and if he's in trouble….oliphaunts bollocks," he finished as realized what he just said.
"Merry," I said in a low, dangerous tone. "Call him back down here and show me what you two took or else you'll both be starring in the very fun game entitled, 'Capture the Hobbit,'"
"Oh!" Legolas broke into the conversation. "Do we get to use the flame thrower this time?"
I fixed Merry with a deadly glare. "Yes."
"Pippin?" Merry called up the stairs. "Surrender or we're roasted."
Pippin slowly inched back down the steps with big, scared eyes. "Here they are," he whispered as he reached out to me with a trembling hand. He looked so frightened that I tried to soften my expression.
I looked at the pile of cards in shock. "These are the postcards that everybody sent me when you were off trying to destroy the Ring."
Merry and Pippin nodded. "We thought it would be fun if we could all read them tonight."
I looked at them curiously. "Why didn't you just ask me if we could do that? What was with all the secrecy?"
Merry responded, "I don't know," while Pippin answered, "Because we were really looking for birthday presents when we found these, but we couldn't reach the one shelf, so I stood on your platform shoes while Merry drug over the file box, and then the globe crashed, and your cat got scared, and that fish tank wasn't expensive was it--"
I clapped a hand over Pippin's mouth and laid my head against the wall in frustration. "Is this a story that can wait?" I asked. Pippin nodded.
"At least until you've had few drinks," Merry added.
"Fine, tell me then," I said. Rubbing a hand over my eyes, I continued, "In the meantime, I need to head to the kitchen for some serious junk. Anyone else want some?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay, try not to miss me too much," I said, making my way out to the kitchen.
The Fellowship busied themselves with the TV.
"Let's watch something nice," Sam suggested.
"Something funny," Gimli put in.
"No, something scary!" Pippin piped up.
"I've already seen Merry's thong," Aragorn said. "Ouch!"
Suddenly, everyone started screaming.
"No, it can't be!"
"How is this happening?"
"What's going on?"
"Who is he?"
"Mr. Frodo, wait! Come back!"
Legolas and Gimli ran into the kitchen, breathless. "You won't…believe…what's on…the television," they wheezed out. "Terrifying. Unbelievable. Frodo's hidden himself behind the couch."
"What!?" I said. "What happened?"
Just come and see!" Gimli said.
I started to follow them. "There'd better be something really freaky on that TV! If this is like the time you two tried to convince me that Pippin fell off the roof, I am gonna be SO pi--" I stopped dead when I saw the television. My hands flew to my mouth. "Oh my gosh…"
TBC: HAHAHA! Cliffhanger! What did I see? Oh, like it was anything weirder than what you've read in previous chapters. Well, maybe it is, then again….
You know the drill, hit the little review button and tell me if I was on target or missed the mark completely. Thanks for reading!
P.S. Happy birthday, Christie!