DISCLAIMER: If I was Tamora Pierce, Jon would have died a slow and painful death by now, Alanna would have married George in Book 3, and Kel would never have gotten together with Cleon, just to mention a few. The Sound of Music belongs to-well, someone else.

Chapter 1: Um...the beginning

[Music swells]

Alanna: [comes running up over a hill wearing a habit]

The hills are alive

THEY ARE? Eeeeek! [runs back down the hill, screaming] THE HILLS ARE COMING, THE HILLS ARE COMING!

Author: You're running towards your convent, you know.

Alanna: Eeek! I'd rather face the hills! [looks around suspiciously] This isn't another Alanna-Goes-To-The-Convent story is it? I've been in WAY too many of those. Am I betrothed to Gary? Because believe me, that REALLY gets old...

Author: [slaps forehead, wondering why she got stuck with these morons] Just PLAY ALONG, Alanna.

Alanna: [sighs]

The hills are alive

With the sound of chickens

[looks at the author] WHO WRITES THIS GARBAGE?

Author: Alanna, I'm not supposed to be IN this story, OK? So shut up so I don't need to be in it any more!

Alanna: [sighs again]

What songs they have clucked

For a thousand years

[looks around] Where are the chickens? I don't see any chickens! [sighs yet again] This is ridiculous!

Random Chickens: Cluck! [peck peck]

Alanna: Oh, there they are!

My heart will be blessed

With the sound of chickens

OK, that's it, this is just stupid. [stomps back to the convent]

Back at the convent, the nuns (namely Delia, Buri, and Lalasa) are complaining about Alanna.

Delia: Why am I, like, stuck here with you two? You're totally, like, dorks! Like, yeah!

Buri: The stupid Almighty Author pulled our names out of a hat.

Lalasa: Aren't we supposed to be complaining?

Delia: I, like, totally WAS!

Buri: [sarcastically] Then, like, GO!

Delia: I, like, can't. I'm, like, stuck.

Buri: STOP WITH THE LIKE ALREADY!

Delia: Like, why? It's, like, so totally in.

Lalasa: Saying the word "dude" is also in, and that's an infected hair on an elephant's rear end.

Delia: Did you just, like, call me a, like, infected hair?

Lalasa: Like...no!

Delia: Then why did you, like, bring it up?

Buri: Can we just get on with this please? [clears throat] First Daughter, Alanna is missing. Again.

Delia: Like, so?

Buri: [elbows her] It's VERY important that we FIND HER.

Delia: Like, why?

Buri: You're supposed to LIKE Alanna!

Delia: Like, like her? Like, EW! She stole my, like, GUY and then, like, DUMPED him. [giggles] Sounds like something I would do.

Buri: Oh, I'll just sing.

How do you solve a problem like Alanna?

How do you catch a Shang and pin it down?

Oh, HOW do make her stay?

And LISTEN to what you say?

Lalasa:

How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

Both:

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Alanna?

Buri;

How do you hold a Stormwing

In your hand?

Delia: I, like, dunno.

Alanna: [runs in] Forgive me...Delia? What kind of casting IS this?

Lalasa: Hat casting.

Alanna: Huh?

Lalasa: Don't ask.

Delia: For being late, YOU'RE BEING SHIPPED OFF TO TAKE CARE OF SEVEN KIDS! Muahahahahahaaaa!

Alanna: Is that in the script?

Delia: Uh, it's close enough.

Alanna: [sobs] WHYYYYY MEEEEEEEE? I have no child-raising experience! I'm not even going to get married, much less have KIDS!

Delia: DEAL WITH IT!

The next day...

Delia: Bye, Alanna! Have fun! Or not!

Buri: Where'd her "like" go?

Delia: "Like" is SO five minutes ago!

Alanna: I will get through this. I will.

I have confidence, you see

I have confidence in me!

Wow...I sound REALLY conceited...let's just skip this and get to the good part. [looks up at a big iron gate] OOOOOOOHHHHH...PRETTTYYYY...

Cleon: Can I help you?

Alanna: Cleon? You're the butler?

Cleon: It's Hat Casting.

Alanna: Ah. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet this...[squints at piece of paper] Baron Von Cooper? What kind of name is THAT?

Cleon: Don't ask me. I'm just the fat, ugly butler who's in love with Kel.

Alanna: Kel?

Cleon: You know, like Keladry of Mindelan...

Alanna: Not THAT Kel, the Kel in the fic!

Cleon: Oh. Well she's the Baron's Fiancee.

Alanna: George is engaged? I'll kill him...

Cleon: In the FIC, Alanna.

Alanna: Oh.

Cleon: Oh, and watch out for frogs and spiders in your bed.

Alanna: SPIDERS?

Cleon: The kids have a weird sense of humor.

Alanna: Shouldn't I meet them?

Cleon: Oh, yeah. Come in.

Alanna: [walks in the door] Are you Baron Von Cooper?

George: Yes. I assume you are here to be their goveneess?

Alanna: Whoa, George, you're being really cold, here.

George: I'm SUPPOSED to be. Now, I'm guessing you'll want to meet the children.

Alanna: Um...yeah...

George: Well that's too bad, because you're going to have to wait until Chapter Two.

A/N: Yay! It's finally up! I promise to update soon! Please review.

Also, I know I didn't use the whole songs. They were REALLY REALLY long.