Eh. . . a very short chapter. I felt really strange while writing this at
like midnight, so brace yourselves. Sorry if I get a tad bit redundant, but
I really want everyone to understand Kurama's emotions at this time.
Finally Kurama is outside. Oh boy.
Kurama stared out the window of the shiny yellow-hopefully they're that color in Japan- taxicab as Yanagi sat silently beside him. It was his big first day out of the hospital-of course not forever, but even a day in the fresh air was welcoming. He breathed deeply, the air sharp and strange in his nostrils, which had grown used to the stale, sterile hospital air. The light and bright colors pained his eyes, which squinted and refused to wear the cheap sunglasses Yanagi bought. The chill of the light breeze also surprised him, but he still kept the window rolled down.
Finally, after a completely quiet ride, they stopped at a peaceful park. Yanagi led him to a pavilion with a few benches underneath. Kurama didn't want to talk or do anything, just sit and there and soak in the sunshine, breathe in the crisp air, close his eyes and imagine somewhere happier and better. Forever.
"Does this make you feel better?" Yanagi placed her hand on his shoulder gently. "Fresh air always refreshes the body and mind. Anyway, today is just too beautiful to feel any misery."
"I suppose." Kurama mumbled. Sure he felt freer and livelier, but he was still injured and incapable of doing all the things he wanted to and loved. He was impatient to get well, aching for a one shot cure. He knew that it was possible for something to cure him right away. He simply needed something to stir up that dormant youkai blood in him and give him the will to live again. He needed a purpose for his existence, something worth his while on earth. He had nothing right now, he didn't care anymore about himself, and he believed that the world would be possibly better off without him.
"What are you wondering Shuuichi?"
"Nothing much."
"Watching you is so depressing!" Yanagi shook her head. "Come on, it's your day out, you're supposed to have fun, loosen up and enjoy yourself! Smile! You don't do anything but frown nowadays, and most of the time you have no emotions. Lighten up and take pleasure from this lovely day!"
"Tsk." Kurama spat. "Right. Like I can enjoy this morning knowing that every other morning from now on is probably going to be spent in my hospital room. I'm this way because I'm calmly accepting my fate. I don't want to be hysterical and try to heal when I know I can't."
"You'll get better soon, don't be so pessimistic! Time heals all wounds."
"Some wounds don't heal, ever." Those words flung out so easily from his mouth and hit Yanagi with a pang.
"Yours will probably just take longer. I'm here by your side."
"Whatever." Kurama turned away, running from the inevitable conversation.
"You don't even care about yourself anymore? If you stay this way, you definitely won't get well."
"I lost the will to live, Yanagi, if you really want to know. I lost that something that I actually looked forwards to everyday. I don't care anymore, I admit it. I'm perhaps even better off dying."
"You can't feel that way!" Yanagi whispered. "Why though Kurama? Don't you see the beauty in the world? You have a perpetual cloud over your head, and these days it started raining on you. You don't have to bear the entire suffering of mankind on your shoulders, or demon-kind, whatever you are."
"I'm not like you, you silly girl!" Kurama gathered up his strength to stand up and yell. "You don't understand this world! I've been here hundreds of times more than you have. All you have is your silly clichés and generalizations! All you believe in is silly, inane hopes and dreams! Well I'm hardened by reality and the real world is cruel and unforgiving. I've done wrong in my past life and this life. . . this is my punishment!" He huffed and puffed, but continued onwards. "I'm reduced to this pathetic human state, I've lost everything, I don't have control over my life, my freedom, so why should I live? I don't want to be part of this human suffering anymore. I've seen and been through enough, maybe even too much for a million lifetimes."
Yanagi stared at him with those wide eyes rimmed with tears. "Shuuichi, why do you say those things when you still have most of your life ahead of you? When so many people care about and love you? When people would die for you? Are you going to let all of them down as well? It's not fair. Look beyond what's in front of your eyes. I'm not a wise man, or a shrink, but I understand people like you. You need to see from both sides, there are wonderful things to your life that you have been too blind to notice."
"True Yanagi. I considered cheering up and just living what life I have left to it's fullest, but that doesn't satisfy me. Life isn't fair. I don't want to do this, but I lost the fight in me. All I have left is flight. It's a battle between life and me, and I'm afraid that I can't win."
"It won't be easy to win, but you can. Just don't forfeit when you've come so far already."
"You wouldn't understand." Kurama's anger subsided. All he felt now was pity for Yanagi, the poor girl who tried everything to "comprehend and analyze" him. He almost had an impulse to laugh out loud and tell her to quit trying. There was no use wasting energy on reforming him, he had almost entirely made up his mind. There was no more of those equivocal answers to his questions, no more of the irresoluteness.
"I'm like you Shuuichi. I may not have the same past, but I'm being honest when I say that I understand."
"I doubt anyone does."
"Do you know why I'm close to Shiori? It's not because I'm a goody- goody little girl. It's because I don't have a mother, she died when I was eight. I blamed it all on myself. . . it was all because I ran away because I thought she hated me. I sensed something rebellious and eerie in my veins that day. She drove in the ice and snow to find me, and upon seeing my face sped up to reach me. . . and was crushed by an oncoming car. How horrible is that? I caused her death because of my own selfishness and evilness."
"So?"
"I almost lost my strength to live and care about the things I used to love. I found out that I was a 'demon', as my father called me. He hated me more than ever, and no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to redeem myself in his eyes. No one had outright blamed it on me, but I felt as if I had to try harder or I would disappoint everyone, especially her. I detested myself forever."
"But you are still here and oddly happy."
"I found that I felt better if I helped others, so I volunteered, donated my time and efforts, anything to get rid of my guilt. Sure it worked for a while, but I still was unsure of who I really was. That's when I met Shiori and you. You gave me the will to live."
"Me? But how? I never believed in myself, never."
"Your story touched me so much. I'm not a real demon, but I researched them and their tales of plight and terror. It fascinated me so much." She inched closer to him. "I love you Shuuichi. I'll do anything to close that gap in your heart. I know you'll never forget, that's asking too much. I won't be a replacement and he won't just be a memory."
"I. . . Yanagi, I almost thought I forgot the emotion of love. I didn't love anyone in the hospital, not Shiori, not even Hiei." Kurama leaned his head against her. "I don't think you're the uttermost inspiration I need, but I do feel a lot better. Some weight has been lifted from my heart, I do think it has softened a bit."
Yanagi held him close and cried, her tears streaming uncontrollably down her cheeks. "I'll do anything to see you smile again, I'll give anything for you to heal. You are not alone in this world with your agony Shuuichi, never feel that way. Forever there will be someone who loves you, whoever you are, wherever you are."
Kurama let the weeks of suppressed tears and emotions loose as he cried and kissed her wet cheeks. "Thank you Yanagi." Yet he still felt as if he had only found a part of what he was missing, not the whole thing. He still sensed that he was better off dying, so he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. He had touched so few lives and hurt them all. . .
Another part of him flamed in fury at Yanagi's actions towards him. Who was she to play on his emotions, his sensitive time to use him to her advantage. He so desperately wanted to believe those soothing words, so desperately wanted to trust her and love her, but he couldn't bring himself to. The hatred of everything grew so deep inside of him; he had no point to live anymore. He wanted Yanagi's friendship, her love and comfort that he missed, but he didn't want to forget Hiei. Although he lost all hope in the beauty of the world, a part of him still tingled at the mention of Hiei's name, and flashes of his memory quieted him for weeks. He didn't want to give that up, but somehow, he knew he couldn't have them both. He had to choose, and he didn't want to. Yanagi promised she would always be there for him, where was Hiei? Yanagi cared so much for him and cried for him, what about Hiei?
"Dammit!" Kurama cursed as he returned to the hospital room. "Why am I comparing them, when they are so entirely different, and I need them both for different situations? Why am I forcing my heart to decide when there's nothing to choose? Hiei isn't here; he's gone, perhaps forever. . . Yanagi is here, and she won't leave me. I'm giving her a piece of my heart, but only a piece, for the last time I loved, I gave it all away, and it shattered beyond repair. I'm going to open up and trust her and love her, for I believe Hiei would want me to move on."
He stared out at the clear sky, the stars and moon shining radiantly through the window. "Where are you Hiei? I don't want you to hate me, but you're not here, and I have to carry on with my life. I can't and don't want to lament and hope silly, outlandish hopes for the rest of my life. I guess its goodbye." He turned away, detesting himself and his choice.
"Why can't I be strong and just love Hiei?" He shouted to himself suddenly. "There's nothing hard about this! No, it won't be goodbye, until he tells me it himself, until we meet again and agree that it's not going to work. Then, it would be goodbye. But, a goodbye isn't forever."
Hi people! Kurama is being very fickle right now, and might annoy a lot of you. And don't worry, I did state this fic was KuramaxHiei, so not much romance will flourish between him and Yanagi- next time, we hear from Hiei. . . it's been a while Hiei's Last Remark
Finally Kurama is outside. Oh boy.
Kurama stared out the window of the shiny yellow-hopefully they're that color in Japan- taxicab as Yanagi sat silently beside him. It was his big first day out of the hospital-of course not forever, but even a day in the fresh air was welcoming. He breathed deeply, the air sharp and strange in his nostrils, which had grown used to the stale, sterile hospital air. The light and bright colors pained his eyes, which squinted and refused to wear the cheap sunglasses Yanagi bought. The chill of the light breeze also surprised him, but he still kept the window rolled down.
Finally, after a completely quiet ride, they stopped at a peaceful park. Yanagi led him to a pavilion with a few benches underneath. Kurama didn't want to talk or do anything, just sit and there and soak in the sunshine, breathe in the crisp air, close his eyes and imagine somewhere happier and better. Forever.
"Does this make you feel better?" Yanagi placed her hand on his shoulder gently. "Fresh air always refreshes the body and mind. Anyway, today is just too beautiful to feel any misery."
"I suppose." Kurama mumbled. Sure he felt freer and livelier, but he was still injured and incapable of doing all the things he wanted to and loved. He was impatient to get well, aching for a one shot cure. He knew that it was possible for something to cure him right away. He simply needed something to stir up that dormant youkai blood in him and give him the will to live again. He needed a purpose for his existence, something worth his while on earth. He had nothing right now, he didn't care anymore about himself, and he believed that the world would be possibly better off without him.
"What are you wondering Shuuichi?"
"Nothing much."
"Watching you is so depressing!" Yanagi shook her head. "Come on, it's your day out, you're supposed to have fun, loosen up and enjoy yourself! Smile! You don't do anything but frown nowadays, and most of the time you have no emotions. Lighten up and take pleasure from this lovely day!"
"Tsk." Kurama spat. "Right. Like I can enjoy this morning knowing that every other morning from now on is probably going to be spent in my hospital room. I'm this way because I'm calmly accepting my fate. I don't want to be hysterical and try to heal when I know I can't."
"You'll get better soon, don't be so pessimistic! Time heals all wounds."
"Some wounds don't heal, ever." Those words flung out so easily from his mouth and hit Yanagi with a pang.
"Yours will probably just take longer. I'm here by your side."
"Whatever." Kurama turned away, running from the inevitable conversation.
"You don't even care about yourself anymore? If you stay this way, you definitely won't get well."
"I lost the will to live, Yanagi, if you really want to know. I lost that something that I actually looked forwards to everyday. I don't care anymore, I admit it. I'm perhaps even better off dying."
"You can't feel that way!" Yanagi whispered. "Why though Kurama? Don't you see the beauty in the world? You have a perpetual cloud over your head, and these days it started raining on you. You don't have to bear the entire suffering of mankind on your shoulders, or demon-kind, whatever you are."
"I'm not like you, you silly girl!" Kurama gathered up his strength to stand up and yell. "You don't understand this world! I've been here hundreds of times more than you have. All you have is your silly clichés and generalizations! All you believe in is silly, inane hopes and dreams! Well I'm hardened by reality and the real world is cruel and unforgiving. I've done wrong in my past life and this life. . . this is my punishment!" He huffed and puffed, but continued onwards. "I'm reduced to this pathetic human state, I've lost everything, I don't have control over my life, my freedom, so why should I live? I don't want to be part of this human suffering anymore. I've seen and been through enough, maybe even too much for a million lifetimes."
Yanagi stared at him with those wide eyes rimmed with tears. "Shuuichi, why do you say those things when you still have most of your life ahead of you? When so many people care about and love you? When people would die for you? Are you going to let all of them down as well? It's not fair. Look beyond what's in front of your eyes. I'm not a wise man, or a shrink, but I understand people like you. You need to see from both sides, there are wonderful things to your life that you have been too blind to notice."
"True Yanagi. I considered cheering up and just living what life I have left to it's fullest, but that doesn't satisfy me. Life isn't fair. I don't want to do this, but I lost the fight in me. All I have left is flight. It's a battle between life and me, and I'm afraid that I can't win."
"It won't be easy to win, but you can. Just don't forfeit when you've come so far already."
"You wouldn't understand." Kurama's anger subsided. All he felt now was pity for Yanagi, the poor girl who tried everything to "comprehend and analyze" him. He almost had an impulse to laugh out loud and tell her to quit trying. There was no use wasting energy on reforming him, he had almost entirely made up his mind. There was no more of those equivocal answers to his questions, no more of the irresoluteness.
"I'm like you Shuuichi. I may not have the same past, but I'm being honest when I say that I understand."
"I doubt anyone does."
"Do you know why I'm close to Shiori? It's not because I'm a goody- goody little girl. It's because I don't have a mother, she died when I was eight. I blamed it all on myself. . . it was all because I ran away because I thought she hated me. I sensed something rebellious and eerie in my veins that day. She drove in the ice and snow to find me, and upon seeing my face sped up to reach me. . . and was crushed by an oncoming car. How horrible is that? I caused her death because of my own selfishness and evilness."
"So?"
"I almost lost my strength to live and care about the things I used to love. I found out that I was a 'demon', as my father called me. He hated me more than ever, and no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to redeem myself in his eyes. No one had outright blamed it on me, but I felt as if I had to try harder or I would disappoint everyone, especially her. I detested myself forever."
"But you are still here and oddly happy."
"I found that I felt better if I helped others, so I volunteered, donated my time and efforts, anything to get rid of my guilt. Sure it worked for a while, but I still was unsure of who I really was. That's when I met Shiori and you. You gave me the will to live."
"Me? But how? I never believed in myself, never."
"Your story touched me so much. I'm not a real demon, but I researched them and their tales of plight and terror. It fascinated me so much." She inched closer to him. "I love you Shuuichi. I'll do anything to close that gap in your heart. I know you'll never forget, that's asking too much. I won't be a replacement and he won't just be a memory."
"I. . . Yanagi, I almost thought I forgot the emotion of love. I didn't love anyone in the hospital, not Shiori, not even Hiei." Kurama leaned his head against her. "I don't think you're the uttermost inspiration I need, but I do feel a lot better. Some weight has been lifted from my heart, I do think it has softened a bit."
Yanagi held him close and cried, her tears streaming uncontrollably down her cheeks. "I'll do anything to see you smile again, I'll give anything for you to heal. You are not alone in this world with your agony Shuuichi, never feel that way. Forever there will be someone who loves you, whoever you are, wherever you are."
Kurama let the weeks of suppressed tears and emotions loose as he cried and kissed her wet cheeks. "Thank you Yanagi." Yet he still felt as if he had only found a part of what he was missing, not the whole thing. He still sensed that he was better off dying, so he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. He had touched so few lives and hurt them all. . .
Another part of him flamed in fury at Yanagi's actions towards him. Who was she to play on his emotions, his sensitive time to use him to her advantage. He so desperately wanted to believe those soothing words, so desperately wanted to trust her and love her, but he couldn't bring himself to. The hatred of everything grew so deep inside of him; he had no point to live anymore. He wanted Yanagi's friendship, her love and comfort that he missed, but he didn't want to forget Hiei. Although he lost all hope in the beauty of the world, a part of him still tingled at the mention of Hiei's name, and flashes of his memory quieted him for weeks. He didn't want to give that up, but somehow, he knew he couldn't have them both. He had to choose, and he didn't want to. Yanagi promised she would always be there for him, where was Hiei? Yanagi cared so much for him and cried for him, what about Hiei?
"Dammit!" Kurama cursed as he returned to the hospital room. "Why am I comparing them, when they are so entirely different, and I need them both for different situations? Why am I forcing my heart to decide when there's nothing to choose? Hiei isn't here; he's gone, perhaps forever. . . Yanagi is here, and she won't leave me. I'm giving her a piece of my heart, but only a piece, for the last time I loved, I gave it all away, and it shattered beyond repair. I'm going to open up and trust her and love her, for I believe Hiei would want me to move on."
He stared out at the clear sky, the stars and moon shining radiantly through the window. "Where are you Hiei? I don't want you to hate me, but you're not here, and I have to carry on with my life. I can't and don't want to lament and hope silly, outlandish hopes for the rest of my life. I guess its goodbye." He turned away, detesting himself and his choice.
"Why can't I be strong and just love Hiei?" He shouted to himself suddenly. "There's nothing hard about this! No, it won't be goodbye, until he tells me it himself, until we meet again and agree that it's not going to work. Then, it would be goodbye. But, a goodbye isn't forever."
Hi people! Kurama is being very fickle right now, and might annoy a lot of you. And don't worry, I did state this fic was KuramaxHiei, so not much romance will flourish between him and Yanagi- next time, we hear from Hiei. . . it's been a while Hiei's Last Remark