"My friends. I have news." Yelena announced, slamming her bookbag down on the table as she took a seat next to Wanda.
"What?" Pietro moaned, lifting his head from the table to shoot her a glare. "I'm tired, Lena!"
"Тихо." Yelena reached around Wanda to flick his nose, ignoring his squawk of protest. "So, anyway, I have news! Where are Loki and Vision?"
Nebula snorted, not looking up from The Daily Prophet as she took a bite of toast. "May caught them trying to levitate each other in the hallway. She's busy yelling at them."
"Idiots." Wanda muttered, rolling her eyes fondly.
Yelena shook her head in agreement. "Don't they know to do that in the common rooms? Merlin, boys are dumb."
"Hey!" Pietro's voice was muffled as he dropped his head back on the table. "I take offense to that."
"Good." Wanda poked his stomach, smirking as he shrieked and batted her hand aside.
"Wanda!"
"Get him, get him." Nebula chanted, tossing her empty muffin wrapper in Pietro's direction. Pietro stuck up his middle finger in response, and Wanda pushed him off the bench completely.
"Hey!"
"Remind me never to get on your bad side." Yelena laughed, offering Wanda a high five, which she accepted with a mischievous grin.
"You know, everyone thinks Wanda's the normal one." Pietro groaned from where he lay on the floor. "But really, she's the freak."
Wanda smirked and poked him with her foot. "Baby."
Pietro pushed himself up on one elbow, his hair sticking up in every direction. "This is bullying! I am being bullied!"
The three girls just rolled their eyes as he stood up and resumed his place at the table.
"Hey look, it's the two idiots." Nebula said, gesturing to the entrance of the Great Hall. Yelena looked over and sure enough, Vision and Loki were walking over to their table, followed closely by Professor May. The boys reached the table and sat down, both of them looking sheepishly at their plates.
"No more levitating each other, boys." May said, her voice exasperated.
"Yes, Professor." They mumbled, and May rolled her eyes and walked over to the staff table.
Nebula smirked. "Trouble?"
"Shut up." Loki punched her in the shoulder, scowling. "You do it all the time!"
"Yeah, but I'm not stupid enough to do it in the hallway." Nebula retorted, sticking out her tongue. Wanda giggled.
"Okay, okay." Yelena said, annoyed. "Anyway, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, I have news!"
"What, Lena?" Pietro asked impatiently, reaching over and grabbing a piece of toast from Nebula's plate. He grinned at her irritated expression and took a large bite.
"Natasha has a crush!" Yelena grinned widely. "I saw her in the Owlery this morning, and she was all weird and secretive about it. She told me she was buying a Daily Prophet subscription, but she already has one of those!"
"So?" Loki asked, arching a skeptical eyebrow.
"So, that means she's writing to someone else. Someone she doesn't want me to know about! Isn't it obvious? Natasha's in love."
"Or she could just, you know, be buying porn." Nebula said.
"Ewww!" Yelena cried as the others shuddered.
"What in Merlin's beard is wrong with you?" Pietro squawked.
Nebula laughed. "Come on, the upper years buy it all the time. My sister has a whole stash under her bed she thinks I don't know about."
Yelena lay her head on the table with a thunk, groaning. "Please, Nebula. I don't wanna know that!"
"Yeah." Vision agreed. Loki nodded, his face pale.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Pietro muttered.
"I'm scarred for life." Yelena moaned.
"I'll never be able to look Natasha in the eye again." Wanda whispered, patting Yelena on the arm commiseratingly.
Nebula just smirked.
…
"Okay, so Wanda, Loki, and I will keep watch while Pietro creates a distraction. Then Vision and Nebula can grab her bag and replace it with this one." Yelena whispered, looking at each of her friends in turn.
"Why do I always have to be the distraction?" Pietro protested.
"You make too much noise!" Yelena said, rolling her eyes. "You'll blow the operation before we get a chance to switch the bags."
"I would not!"
"Shhh, here she comes!" Vision whispered, his eyes wide as he spotted Natasha turning the corner.
"Positions!" Yelena reminded them, ducking behind a pillar.
"Hey, Nat!" Pietro called, jogging over to her.
"Pietro, hi." Natasha said, giving him a cautious look. "Where's the rest of the gang?"
"Ah, they are - they're just - playing chess."
"Without you?" She gave him a skeptical look. "Why are you by yourself?"
"Me time." Pietro said seriously.
Natasha raised an eyebrow. "Really." She didn't sound convinced.
"Damn it, Pietro." Yelena muttered under her breath. Wanda huffed out a laugh next to her.
"I can't believe you forgot to give him a backstory." She whispered, grinning.
"Shut up." Yelena whispered, rolling her eyes. She looked over to Nebula, who was hiding behind the other pillar, and gestured towards Natasha. Nebula nodded and rolled her eyes, before moving out from behind the pillar and sneaking up behind Natasha.
"Yeah - yeah I just was wondering, you know. If you wanted to - ah, hang out." Pietro said, affecting a casual grin.
Natasha rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm not buying it. What are you up to? Where's Lena?"
"You wound me!" Pietro gasped in mock offense, catching Nebula's eye as she reached out a hand towards the bag that Natasha had set down on the floor. Nebula gave him a sarcastic thumbs up and moved closer.
"Oh please." Natasha snorted and turned around, just as Nebula picked up the bag. "Hey, Nebula. Can I help you with something?"
"Oh, we've got it from here." Nebula grinned.
Natasha grabbed the bag from her hand and sighed. "Well, this was weird. Hey, Lena." She waved over to where Yelena was still half-hidden behind the pillar.
"Damn it." Yelena scowled, emerging from her hiding place along with the others. "You had one job, Pietro."
Natasha laughed. "You guys really need to work on your subtlety. What did you want my bag for, anyway?"
"Top secret. I'd have to kill you if I told you." Yelena said immediately, sticking out her tongue.
Natasha punched her playfully in the arm. "Sure, okay. Well, see you later!" She turned on her heel and started back down the hallway.
"Well." Vision said, stroking his chin contemplatively. "I would categorize that as a failed attempt."
"No shit." Yelena groaned. "Well, there's nothing for it. We'll have to move on to Plan B."
"Is that the one with the thestrals?" Pietro asked.
Wanda rolled her eyes and shoved him in the shoulder. "No, idiot. That's Plan C."
"Plan B is with the nifflers." Loki said.
"No!" Yelena sighed. "That's Plan E. Plan B involves the recruitment of our secret weapon."
"Dragons?" Pietro asked eagerly. The others all sighed in unison.
"For the last time, no dragons." Yelena said.
"Oh come on."
"No. Not doing it."
"I'm sure we could find one in Hogsmeade."
"No. I'm not stupid."
"But they're so cool!"
"Fine. That's Plan Z."
Pietro fist pumped in triumph. "Cool. So can we do Plan Z?"
"No."
…
"So let me get this straight." Clint leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "You guys want me to sneak into Natasha's dorm, steal her bag, and switch it with this fake."
"So you'll do it?" Yelena asked eagerly.
"Hm? Oh, no. No way."
Yelena's face fell. "Come on, birdboy. We need you!"
"You're our only hope." Loki drawled.
Clint raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, no thanks. Nat will make my life miserable. I don't need a repeat of the great Prank War of second year."
Yelena poked him in the side. "Wimp."
"Exactly." Clint grinned as she stuck out her tongue at him. "I'll wear that badge with pride."
"Weirdo."
"Yep." He leaned back and smirked at Yelena's annoyed expression. "So, you got a backup plan?"
…
"Look, we just need you to come with us for an hour, max." Pietro said, holding his hand up for the thestral to sniff.
"They can't understand you." Loki said, rolling his eyes.
"Sure they can!" Pietro retorted. "You can understand me, can't you? Yeah? You wanna help us?"
Wanda sighed. "Great. You see what you've done?" She poked Yelena in the arm. "Now he'll want a thestral as a pet."
Yelena raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You think Nick would let you guys have one?"
"No way. But look at him." Wanda waved in Pietro's direction, where he was now scratching the thestral's neck reverently.
"Who's a good thestral? You are, you are!"
"He's obsessed." Wanda deadpanned.
Yelena sighed. "As long as he gets them to cooperate."
Nebula watched Pietro continue to pet the thestral, her expression exasperated. "Honestly, why do I hang out with you freaks?"
Yelena punched her in the shoulder and grinned. "For our stellar company and smashing good looks?"
Nebula snorted. "Sure."
Loki smirked. "I think it's more commonly referred to as Stockholm Syndrome."
…
"What on earth is happening here?" Professor May took in their bedraggled group with exasperation.
"Nothing at all, Professor!" Pietro said cheerfully from his place on the thestral's back.
Behind him, Wanda groaned and buried her face in her hands. Vision sat behind Yelena on another thestral, and on their other side Loki and Nebula shared a third thestral. All three of them were soaking wet and covered in mud. Yelena was freezing, and her whole body hurt from being thrown to the ground by the thestral in the woods. With the exception of Pietro, the others looked just as grumpy and exhausted as she did, discouraged by their failed mission. Wanda had a small cut on her forehead after her thestral walked into a tree branch, Loki was shivering violently, Vision's shirt was torn in several places, and Nebula had an alarming amount of mud in her hair.
An evening of trying to follow Natasha around the castle grounds had resulted in them being trapped in the forest until the rain let up. Unfortunately, it hadn't done so until nearly four am, resulting in their current predicament.
Professor May looked each of them up and down before sighing heavily. "Frankly, I don't even want to know. Go to your dormitories and get cleaned up, all of you. I expect to see you in my office tomorrow evening for detention."
She spun on her heel and strode back towards the castle, ignoring them as they dismounted the thestrals with varying groans of discomfort.
"And return those thestrals to the forest!" May called without turning around.
Pietro pouted as the others snickered, patting his thestral lovingly. "It's okay, I'll come back to visit." He murmured, pressing his face against the animal's side.
Yelena rolled her eyes. "Merlin's beard." She muttered, following the others as they trudged back towards the castle.
"Let's go, Maximoff!" She called, exasperated.
Pietro ran to catch up with them, and cast his sister a pleading look. "Can't you -"
"No."
"You don't even know what I was -"
"No."
"But if you -"
"No."
Yelena laughed. "I think you broke her."
…
"Let me get this straight." Natasha leaned back into the common room sofa and grinned. "You guys thought that I had a mysterious lover, and your plan to figure out their identity was to steal my mail."
Yelena scowled. "No."
"Yeah, we wanted to steal your bag, not just your mail." Pietro added helpfully, yelping as Wanda elbowed him in the ribs.
Natasha laughed. "I'm flattered, you guys, really. But Lena, don't you think I would've just told you if I was dating someone?"
Yelena cleared her throat, her face going red with embarrassment. "Ah, well. Maybe eventually."
"So you are dating someone." Loki drawled.
Natasha shook her head. "No. You guys really want to know what I was doing in the Owlery that morning?"
"Yes!" They said in unison.
Natasha rolled her eyes. "Fine. I was offered an internship at the Ministry of Magic, okay? In the Auror department. I didn't want to say anything until it was definitely happening, but I sent them my acceptance today."
"What?" Yelena squawked, her mouth falling open in surprise.
"Wow." Wanda said, smiling. "That's amazing, Natasha."
"Congratulations!" Vision said. Nebula and Loki nodded as Pietro gaped at Natasha.
"When?" Yelena asked.
Natasha smiled. "This summer. I start right after exams."
"That's great, сестра." Yelena said genuinely. "I'm happy for you."
"Thanks." Natasha slung an arm around Yelena's shoulders and squeezed her close in a half hug.
Leaning into her side, Yelena raised an eyebrow. "I just have one question, though."
Natasha tilted her head. "Sure."
Yelena grinned mischievously. "Were you also buying porn that day?"
Natasha shoved her into the couch and gave her a vicious noogie, growling playfully as the others made various sounds of disgust and disbelief. Nebula just smirked.
"You little shit!" Natasha cried, laughing as they wrestled around wildly.
"That's not - not an answer!" Yelena said, her voice muffled by the couch cushion.
"You'll never know." Natasha declared, shoving her playfully as she released her.
"You've got issues, Belova." Pietro said, wrinkling his nose.
"Runs in the family. We're a bunch of lunatics." Yelena grinned, sticking out her tongue in Natasha's direction. Natasha just smirked back.
"You're not wrong, сестрёнка. You're not wrong."